The National Television Awards 2011

Why the fuck am I watching this, you ask? And do you want the honest answer? I'm bored. I miss my boyfriend (who works nights). I live for 2.30am every Friday night when I finally get to see him, and every week is just drudge in between at the moment. I am so stressed from work and so tired, but I can't get to sleep, so I can't even get away from myself, and I'm surviving on like four hours sleep a night. So that's why I'm watching this. I'm basically delirious.
I thought the show started well, with a strangely compelling duet between Stacey Solomon and Shaun Ryder. Stacey was my favourite when she was on the X Factor, it's a shame she's not singing for a living when plate-faced Matt Cardie is.
In other awards ceremony news, I watched the British Comedy Awards the other night, and there were a few good lols, it was quite bitchy, and I liked the joke Jonathan Ross made about Russell Howard's sleepy eye. I have a little soft spot for Russell Howard since Christmas when my mum made me watch his show.
Anyway. Back to the (anti) matter at hand. I don't mind Dermot; he knows what he's doing. Ah, there's Peter Andre. The cameraman missed a trick not cutting to his face when Dermot alluded to the 'J' word. Anyhoo, must retain that dignified silence.
Holly Willobobo looks massssive. She must be ready to drop. I like her womanly ways.
The notion that I'm a Celebrity is a better programme in any way shape or form than Big Brother is baffling. But then look what channel this show is on.
Eh-heh, Fatboy is up for best newcomer! Double LOL, he won it! And he did clicky fingers thing when he won. Dis rass! And he's going out with that Sugababe. You did good, Arthur.
Something just happened but I don't know what it was cos I fast-forwarded it. At least Shameless didn't win best drama, if I have to look at Tina Malone's face ever again it'll upset my tummy all inside.
OMFG is Peter Andre's the Next Chapter really up for an award? You might as well put my flip videos up for an award- the fridge raider episode was just sublime. Tossers.
Anyone who watched Glee should be struck blind. And deaf. I went off The Inbetweeners, too, TBH. I am such a sour puss.
It's not natural to see Phil Mitchell in a suit smiling and waving at the camera. I hope his crack odyssey wins him an award. That was the shortest drug addiction of all time. Three episodes and it was done. He should go into drugs counselling. Ew, do they have to show that clip of him with snot on his face? Ha, they all look so embarrassed when they show the clips.
Oh god, Louis Spence. Just go back in your box already, you little prat. And don't come out ever AGAIN.
Can't believe Stacey won, what a load of shit! Phil has been in Eastenders for about 20 years, FFS. Lacey didn't seem to speak in 'real life' like Stacey. Mind-boggling. I wonder what Phil would have said in his speech. WE SHALL NEVER KNOW.
Hope Dermot wins best presenter. Ant and Dec get on my last nerve. I think Paul O' Grady is good, too, I like his personality, he's not afraid to stir up a bit of shit. His show is rub, though.
Aw to Davina still crying at clips of Big Brother. I know, Davina. I miss it, too.
Ant and Dec won. Dec is looking more like Brian Dowling by the minute. And the less said about Ant's sixhead, the better. It's getting more like a octohead, and it's putting me off my dins. Simon's speech for them was good. Poor Dermy.
Something about sport. Fast forward. This Morning beat Loose Women, obv. But Jeremy Kyle is the goblin king of daytime. Incidentally, I looked at the Jeremy Kyle Show's Twitter account today and it said 'if you're a mother who's younger than her daughter, get in touch.' WTF? Yeah, get in touch and call the Guinness Book of Records.
Bored as I am, I'm getting really fucking tired of this show. I think I'm gonna hang up my washing then go play on my Xbox. Take that, Dermot.
Ugh, Anne Widdecombe isn't helping matters. I try to avoid personal attacks, but the only think uglier than her face are her views. Yeah you're a virgin because it's a choice. No, it's because no one would touch you with a bargepole, you old bag.
Who or what is Benedict Cumberpatch? It sounds SHIT.
Stephen Fry looks fat again. Too much Twitter. Oh god, a Bruce Forsyth eulogy. Save me. Aw his speech was quite cute actually! Look at his lovely wife. Oh, God, I've gone soft. Quick, fetch my medication.
I don't know much, but I do know that Eastenders isn't a patch on Corrie. If Emmerdale is five, and Eastenders is six, then CORRIE IS SEVEN! Enders aint no good. And especially not right now. (n.b I don't watch Emmerdale, I'm not insane, although I admit, I did see this clip at Christmas with my mum). Hollyoaks! Oh come on, now.
LOL to David Platt shaking his head in disgust when Eastenders won! Even if it's just high-jinks, it's mega funny. David Platt owns you, Eastenders! Ha, I'm not sure it is for the lols, he looks annoyed. That could just be the babydramas though.
Oh, Zainab, I'm not sure you're quite right for that dress, ducks. Why are the homophobic Masoods doing this speech? Get Phil to do it, you arseholes!
Corrie, it should have been you, oh, it should have been you, everybody knows, everybody SAYS SO.
Oh well, at least no one mentioned the dead baby elephant in the room. G'night.

Film: Catfish

OMG! This film was amazing. Talk about a slow burn. It's a great story, and it definitely won't be to everyone's taste, but I really liked it. It's true, the less you know about it the better. I'd suggest probably not reading this if you are going to watch it, because I'm going to have to spoiler a little bit to even talk about it. So don't read this- go and watch it! I mean it; don't read this if you're gonna watch it.

STOP.

It starts slow, but it's really tense when it kicks off about 20 minutes in. I felt tense for about half an hour during the middle. The dynamic once it becomes clear what's happening is really freaky and intriguing and incredibly sad. A lot is unsaid.
This film is for anyone who's ever been lied to on the internet. And I have. I went out with a bloke once who was courting four other girls at the same time on a messageboard I frequented. And one of them was in Australia! More fool me.
The main guy in this film, Nev, is such a dude, charming, beautiful, and ultimately extremely kind and understanding. He had every right to go completely insane. This story could have ended very, very differently.
It must have hurt him to be so cool about everything. He got totally done over. I liked the bit where he read out the 'sexy' texts. He had balls to do that.
I wonder how Angela felt when they turned up on her doorstep? She must have shit herself. I don't blame her for falling in love with him, I think I've fell in love with him a bit. Those teeth and brown eyes were just a killer combination, and I even liked his hairy chest when just got out of bed. It must have hurt her to not be what he wanted her to be. The internet is cruel; charm isn't awarded unless you got something to back it up.
Ultimately, this film tells a sad story, of a sad woman who just wanted a bit of escape. Who wouldn't want to live in a fantasy world? And she was definitely creative; in more ways than one. And she was still lying to his face whilst confessing! I think she was just a bit mental; but who could blame her?
You think her partner Vince would be more pissed off about the whole situation, really. He took it all pretty well, too.
I cried at the end, obv. I'll be your facebook friend, Nev. I'm 24, five foot eight with long dark hair, I'm a keen gymnast and I play the clarinet. I think we're gonna get on great.

American Idol : now with 100% less Simon

Well, I think Puff Daddy and Justin Grimberlake would have been preferable to Jenny from the block and Liv Tyler's dad. Where's the grit? At least Randy's still there. Love Randy. What happened to Kara Doobedodah? I actually really liked her. Ellen was fucking useless, though.
Ryan Seacrest wants us to usher in a new 'error' of American Idol. The error is the judging panel, unfortunately. If they're going to go for dullards, Katy Perry would have been preferable. But how about some people with spunk? Courtney Love, Quentin Tarantino- even Kelly Osbourne would have been better.
I do think three is the right number of judges, though. Four is stupid number to have. Three is just so. Three is democratic.
Steve Tyler looks like a Who from Whoville. Stop shrieking, you freak. At least he's looking for a rocker, I suppose, even if it is in the wrong place.
JLo strikes me as mega fake; she's not really a nice person is she? Alright, I'll give her one chance. ONE.
I'm actually not really in the mood for this tonight. I've got a headache, I'm stressed and pissed off. Not sure I'm going to make the whole two hours.
Steve Tyler is so annoying- why is he singing along with everyone?
Ooh just noticed, Randy's skinny again. Gastric band? Hmm, no his face is skinny, but his body is fat. Ah, whatevs, I still want to lick his face.
JLo's skin is lacquered with gold leaf, applied at night by browbeaten elves. I don't like the way she's running the show. I miss Simon's cheekiness. Everyone's being so NICE. They need someone bitchy on there.
Also, I know it's early days, but there's no chemistry between these judges. Randy and Simon were clearly good mates. It feels like these three could be judging in different rooms; they're not bouncing off each other at all.
I think they just had two adverts in the space of about five minutes. Glad I'm watching this minus the adverts. But at least Steven and Randy are giving each other high fives now.
I don't think I even have anything to say about the contestants. It's not really about them, is it?!
OK I did an hour and twenty. I need a lie down. What can I say? I'm distinctly average. RIP.

Film review: 127 Hours

Is a film worth watching if you know how it ends before you watch it? Depends, I suppose. Personally I enjoy real-life drama, and real-life horror, so this film appealed to me. In case you've been hiding under a rock (I DEFINITELY can't be the first person to make that joke) it's about this dude played by James Franco his name) who gets his hand trapped under a boulder whilst out exploring a massssssive canyon (where? I dunno. But it looks rather cool).
The film is directed by Danny Boyle, who flush from Slumdog Millionaire, gets rather excited with this film.
In my opinion, he should have stripped it right back. Instead, he goes a bit overboard with wide shots of the scenery, fancy camera-work, overly-sentimental flashbacks and ridiculous fantasy sequences (dur, I know he didn't dislodge the boulder by getting rained on because he *SPOILER* cuts his own arm off). Do we care about the shadowy girlfriend figure? No, because we learn fuck-all about her. I personally would have gone for keeping the camera solely on James Franco, and made more of the video camera/ his internal monologue etc. Who cares if that's not what happened? Something tells me he didn't really hallucinate a giant inflatable Scooby Doo either.
I watched this film called Buried recently, which is about a bloke who wakes up buried in a coffin and the whole thing is just him inside the coffin, and it's very oppressive and pretty harrowing. I think Boyle should have gone for a similar tact. I think more should have been made of the panic and the slow realisation that he was going to die there unless he did something seriously drastic.
James Franco is quite good; he's like Heath Ledger meets Josh Hartnett but a bit more annoying.
The arm-sawing is pretty good- very gory if you like that sort of thing. Let's face it, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. The fact this his 'younger self' was sat watching him cheapened it a bit; just lazy TV-movie tactics. Slumdog was almost perfect; violent, romantic, featuring Who Wants to Be a Millionaire; it feels like this should have been as good.
I enjoyed this film, but I think someone needed to tell Danny Boyle that the story was strong enough in itself without the soap-opera this-is-how-you're-meant-to-feel-about-this histrionics. Still, amazing story.

Documentary: Britain's Fattest Man

I always have to check how to spell Britain. Is this normal? I can't sleep so might as well stay up and watch this, as by tomorrow it will be ye olde news. In fact, it's probably old news now. I can't keep up with all the Twitter folk. It's like I'm writing this on parchment. Hey ho.
Firstly, let me say I can relate to this 70 stone guy. Because I went to go swimming after work today, stood on a 73 bus for about 25 minutes as it sat in one spot, and then got off and got a McDonalds. So I know how he feels. Luckily, I can still see my toes (for now).
I can't work out what is going on with this guy's rolls of fat. He has a roll of fat coming off his leg that is about twice as big as my head, and it's not his leg, or his stomach. What is it? It's fucking frightening, that's what.
How come someone comes in and looks after you when you eat yourself almost to death? I suppose there's no choice, really, what else can they do, just leave you to rot?
His face doesn't look that fat, oddly. He must eat CONSTANTLY. You must have to put in the spadework to get that fat. I eat junk three times a day and I've only got the one roll of fat. Right?
Who is bringing him crisps?! Who is bringing him white bread and butter? He was eating 20,000 calories a day! Fuck.
30 to 40 chocolate bars a day?! I don't think that can be true, but look at him.
Oh god, seeing him rolling there naked like a jellyfish, being sponged down as if he's a particularly unattractive car is just too much. He can just sit naked and it's not indecent because his genitals are just buried under layers of fat.
Christ, he's been turned down for stomach stapling. I doubt if they could find it. And I'm not being flippant. I'm starting to think I should have gone swimming after all!
Ugh, the op they're going to give him means he has half a chance of dying. I can't believe they can put someone that big under anaesthetic. It's unreal.
OMG he can't go toilet. That was what stopped him eating so much. Wow, is that what it takes?
He can't lose the weight because he doesn't move and burn off calories. Fuck.
It's weird that he wasn't even a fat kid. You'd imagine it would be a gradual thing from childhood. Interesting that he ended up caring for his mother, and now needs caring for himself.
He re-mortgaged his mum's house and spent ten grand on food and his sisters stopped speaking to him. Wow. Oh my god, this is too sad. He has no friends and no family.
They are putting a new table in to do the op because his 'tummy apron' is too big. Can you imagine the humiliation? Can you? Can you really? This is real-life horror.
Christ, they can't put him in a helicopter! Who's going to volunteer to fly that fucker?
I guess it's cheaper for the NHS to have a 50/50 chance of killing him than paying 100K for his care each year, right? I bet they do weight it up like that (I should be writing for The Sun).
OMG they are worried that the NHS floor can't hold him! But they weighed him and he was 'only' 56 stone. Lightweight.
Will someone take that toast off him! Give him a carrot, ffs. He didn't seem very interested in the fresh air. He hasn't been outside in years!
They're installing metal supports in the hospital. Bet he's glad he's not American and having to pay for all this.
I want to go on that 500 calorie a day jelly diet. A little 'piece' of his body looks flatter. But what is that piece? What's it called? It's like magic producing new body parts. This programme is making me feel scared shitless. I really hope he doesn't die at the end.
Don't look at the operation! Fuck me, how did he survive that?
Christ social services rang him whilst he was still in his hospital bed recovering to tell him they're taking his carer off him! FFS she's like his only friend. Evil cunts. They did just do it to save money. They're probably weeping because he didn't die. That is pure mental cruelty.
So at the end he'd lost 18 stone. He still looked fucking huge. They took his carer off him, and I'm surprised he coped with that. From being with someone 12 hours a day to having them gone is totally wrong.
At the end he stood up for the first time in two years. And then they did another op to make him able to walk by removing the massive lump of fat from his thighs. That piece of skin alone was one and a half stone. Wow. They even had to reset his legs to make them the right way round to walk.
He did actually look a lot smaller at the end, and lost 21 stone. I just want to lose two!
PS: if you're his sisters, why not try picking up the phone to him now?

Soap blog: Warning- Eastenders only so may cause depression

Happy new year! Enjoying Eastenders? Me neither.
I usually like to liven up my soap blogs by alternating the brilliant Corrie with the tragic (and I don't mean that sympathetically) Eastenders. But there's no Corrie tonight, so let's do this.
Firstly, I think the dead baby swap storyline is completely tasteless. Dead babies are bad enough, but we can't just have one grieving couple, we have to have two, because it's Eastenders. Eastenders has gone from bad to worse for the past 12 months, but normally it's just appalling acting and boring storylines. This crosses a line into something that might actually affect people who've had a baby die (and please stick your helpline up your arse, n'all).
And more to the point, why can't Ronnie have a happy ending? Why can't ANYONE? Argh, I need to stop watching this programme, but it's harder than giving up Zopyclone.
How did Kat get so pale so quick? Does she apply that orange stuff daily? WHY? So many questions. No reasonable answers.
Jack looks haggard. Bet he wishes he'd stayed away dancing. Even being in close quarters with Anne Widdecombe would be preferable to this all-out misery-fest.
One good thing about this storyline is it's shut Kat and Alfie up and stopped their pathetic, overdone hammy acting for a few episodes. I can't stand either of them- I wish the pair of them had been incinerated along with their wardrobes back in 2001.
Syed hasn't been seen in months and when he does turn up him and Christian are arguing about a kiss that never even seemed to happen. Why can't they be happy? Why can't anyone be happy? Except Auntie Kim. Make her less happy. Invisible, even.
When is Kat going to take her hospital gown off? Aw, that was sad when she was sitting on the swings. I'm very weepy right now, and this isn't helping. Uh oh, Alfie's making up stories of how the baby died. Kat's going to think he killed him next.
Ugh; how long are they going to drag this out for? They should send us free Valium with our TV licence.