Album: Hole- Nobody's Daughter

Mummy's back. And I'm seeing her again next week!
They are selling this album as '12 years in the making', but no one thought Hole would get back together, and they didn't, did they? Even I sold my Hole hairslides, rather too soon, it would seem. I have 80% of these songs sung by Courtney on her own, that I've been listening to for about three years. It would definitely have been nice to have more of a mixture. But hey.
I've never heard the song 'Nobody's Daughter' before and it comes off quite dirgy; but in a bad way, like something off the solo album. I definitely don't think it's an album opener. I like the bit where she goes 'uh' though, but it doesn't really go up or down; it just plods. Ooh, hold on, it picked up at the end a bit. I just don't think glossy and dirgy is a good combination. I'd rather have scratchy and dirgy, or glossy and poppy. Her voice sounds weird at the end of the song; like it's not her. I prefer her out of tune.
Skinny Little Bitch sounds like Molly's Chamber or one of those. It's kind of throw away and generic, but it's got a bit of spark, a youthful energy. I like 'baby just go slower, baby just go lower'; she always has a little lyrical flourish here and there. The end is kind of stupid where it speeds up, but she does scream a bit.
I've never heard Honey before. Ah- there it is. A massive smile on my face. I LOVE it when she sings the word 'down'! It's like when Molko sings 'you' as 'yooooouuuuuuhhoooooo'. Courtney sings 'down' in such a Courtney way; I fucking love it, it's a total trademark. Her voice sounds great all gravelly and raw. I got a 'It's Not Your Birthday Anymore' by Mozzy feeling about it. Oh and you can even hear her catch her breath at one point; I love that, when you can hear the imperfections. The voice sounds too glossy at one point, like on Almost Golden (urgh) but it's only for a second. Woah her voice sounds all over the place, polished, flat, screamy. It's a fucking mess. But it's working here. I think I like it.
Pacific Coast Highway (the demo) is probably one of my favourite songs of all time. It's just beautiful, just divine. The guitar is too loud on this version. I KNEW they'd fuck it up! It was obvious. The backing vocals could go too. The stripped down version is perfect; you can't meddle with it. It's like an acoustic version she did of Hold Onto Me (off the solo album); it was like a different song to the studio version, which was just dreadful. But the core of the song was fantastic. I think she needs to drown her producer. Hmm, she's changed the lyrics to Pacific Coast Highway too. That always throws me when I'm doing my Courtney yell around the bedroom. At least you can still hear her gasping for breath. The guitar solo is overblown and the end bit is just useless. But I don't mind; I've still got the demo. It's like writing; you can edit it and edit it and get too many opinions and in the end it just loses it's way. She's worked on these songs too long.
I didn't like Samantha until I heard her do it on Jonathan Ross, and then I did. It's all over the ockey! That 'people like you fuck people like me' bit is good singalong fun. I get the feeling it might get old quick though. Good scream at the end.
I've not heard Someone Else's Bed before. It seems lyrically confused. The syllables don't seem to fit right which annoys a pedant like me. I like these lyrics though: 'Oh and you'll be the end of me/ As I have been the death of you/ And I quite enjoy your suffering/ Oh I want to watch the view.' And her voice sounds strong. I think this one is pretty good. It seems real. I like the way she drags out 'die' and 'try' at the end as well.
I don't like For Once In Your Life, it's tuneless and meandering. Oh there's actually an extra bit that works better than the other version I heard, at least it lifts it up a bit. I like the use of the word 'gorge' too. They should have scrapped the rest and just kept that bit.
Letter to God is lyrically tragic: 'I never wanted to be some kind of comic relief', but not as good musically as Car Crash, which I notice is not on this album. Boo. It's too out of tune, and a bit self-indulgent. They haven't changed it much from the demo; maybe they should have chopped a bit off. I know, you really can't win!
I think Loser Dust is duff too; it sounds like it should be on American Sweetheart. It's probably the worst song on the album.
I'm also not overkeen on How Dirty Girls Get Clean. I just think it's a bit tuneless. It makes me pine for the real dirgy stuff like Dicknail. Why is it underlining dirgy? DIRGY? DIRGEY. That doesn't look right. DIRGY. Don't correct me again, Firefox. I just find this song really... uh, boring.
And it's not a great finale because I don't like Never Go Hungry much either! It's just too one note for me. I prefer it much more than the previous two songs, but I can see it becoming one of her anthems and I don't think it's up to the job. I DO like her flat singing on it (and her voice totally WENT when she did it at Shepherd's Bush), but I just wish it went somewhere, except where it does.
Believe it or not, I do actually like the album. I just like complaining as well. I'm like this with albums (and mixtapes actually): if it has two or three songs I can squirrel away and love, I'm not bothered about all the flim flam. I will HAMMER the songs I do like until I get sick of them. It's like the two most recent Morrissey albums; nine rubbish ones, but three amazing ones, (OK two) but you'd still kick a granny in the face for decent ones, because they mean everything. And there's stuff that means something on here, too. Courtney means something. It's just nice to have her around, too you know.
Courtney, Conor, Mozzy, Brian. You're the only ones that matter to me. Everything else is just window dressing.

Britian's Got Talent (and Morons)

Why is Britain's Got Talent so popular? It's useless! Ant and Dec are way past their sell by day, modelling the looks of Hitler and and an advert for hair restoration respectively. Angela Holden is insipid, cloying, dull. Piers Morgan is pompous, grating, dull. Even Simon looks like he's just faxing himself in. It's probably a lookalike up there.
And this is before we get to the 'contestants', an assortment of the mentally ill, people with sob stories, a small smattering of aminal cruelty, and the occasional cutesy person we're meant to care about because they can hold a note. It is actually almost unbearable to watch.
It's like being stuck in a lift with someone showing you a tedious party trick over and over for an hour, whilst you bash at the doors, begging for escape.
The human money box dude was mildly diverting but it was obviously just flim flam. We could get Piers to swallow a billiard ball, it might stop all the utter bilge coming out of his mouth.
I liked the dog in the pink headband playing the guitar. I think that dog is going home via the RSPCA kennels (or a deep river).
I hope Ant and Dec had to clean up that horse poo poo. What else? Gymnasts. Nervous opera guy. A baying mob. The viewing figures for this show tell a frightening story about the intelligence level in this country. Yes, I am calling you an idiot if you sit and enjoy this show. It's like sitting in McDonalds and enjoying watching a pair of grubby children squabbling over a happy meal toy. Cheap entertainment.

American Idol: Exitainment Gives Back (Alicia Keys)

Hiya, sorry for the lack of bloggles, I've been having a few technical problems (with my life). And my TV actually. But that's no excuse. So here's a late Idol blog for you.
It's nicer watching Idol on a torrent than on ITV2 because it's obviously in HD and everything looks like it's been painted with chrome (including Ryan Seacrest's face).
What's the first thing you think when you hear the words 'Alicia Keys'? Ryan reckons 'Philanthropy, generosity and musicianship'. He says tomato, I say, cunt. I think of her on a telephone, and more latterly, her with Jack White, another pretentious, humourless Yank-bore. So anyway, it's great that she's the mentor this week.
Argh, I just want to slap her. She's just so gratuitously smug she makes Mariah Carey look self-effacing. And just to add to the smugfest, it's 'Idol Gives Back' week. Spare me! Ah look, they forced Crystal Bowersox to ask Alicia a question about her charity work. Very natural. Have I mentioned I'M a charity worker? No? Well I'm philanthropous (I made this word up) DAILY but I don't like to mention it.
So apparently the theme is 'inspiration'. I think 'insipid' will be nearer the mark.
How is Casey Jones still in this? Is that even his name? He's just a ghoul on a poster, an advert for Levis. Not interested. Why is he there instead of Didi Bananas? I liked her. Ah, Casey JAMES. Sorry Corey. I mean, Casey.
I love Randy, but his comments are so boring these days. I preferred the days when Simon used to look perplexed at everything that came out of his mouth.
Casey looks like one of his nuts and bolts is coming loose. OMG what is Simon wearing?! Is that a tank top? A cardie? He is getting cuckolded, BIG TIME. Lollies.
I like Lee Dewyze. I used to think he was nothingy but he's grown on me a lot. I said it before but I like his imperfections and his gravelly bits. I liked his song choice, too. I think he makes the right decisions. And I fancy him a bit now, just because I like him more.
OMG someone's going to do R Kelly later. Is it going to be Trapped in the Closet (with all it's parts?) 'I pulled out my barretta!' Let us pray together.
Goo Goo Dolls! I like one of theirs. Someone put it on a mix tape for me once. It wasn't this one though. This one sounds like an X Factor winners single! I like this Keith Urban dude a bit more now too. I like the fact he's a bit out of tune and flat, it's appealing. He looks more handsome this week too. Maybe I'm going soft.
Oh, Aaron is doing 'I Believe I can Fly' not the midget chronicles #13. This song sucks some serious dick. Aaron is weird. I can't get the Final Destination kid out of my head. And the fact he's so obviously gay. He can't win this race. He's just too geeky and show-tunesy.
Ooh Ellen made a joke about drugs! Those naughty lesbians! What is going on with Ryan and Simon? I reckon Simon set up the US X Factor gig solely to make Ryan unemployed. Don't fuck with the Cowell, chrome boy.
Next up: Siobhan. If I live to be 100 years, I will never spell it right first time. And I will not live to 100. Not with that chip shop nearby. I reckon she could win it. Could she? Could she take it off Crystal? Definitely, Crystal is too grumpy. Hold on, what am I talking about; it will a bloke that wins, right? Ooh, I like her butterflies.
Big Mike! Been a bit bored with him since they saved him. Woah, he is BIG! Look at his arms! I wouldn't fuck with him. Mm, sweat patches. Mind you, I'd have sweat patches if I was wearing a jumper under those lights. I'd have sweat patches if I was naked under those lights. Especially so.
Crystal! Her voice is really good. I just like her a lot. She looks a bit awkward without her guitar, and a little frumpy but that's OK. Aw, she blubbed at the end! If it was someone else I'd be cynical but I trust her. I liked it when she used Ryan's hanky.
I miss Adam Lambert. I miss Adam Lambert. I miss Adam Lambert. Where is our gay emo Superman this year? Answer me that, Simon.
Oh and onto the results show. There's Obama! He talks like a cartoon character. His wife looks like she's got one on dip and one on dazzle. Ooh Obama bigging up Randy- hehe.
Oh Christ, Queen Latifa. This is going to be painful. Sponsor mentions: #25. Coming up, the Crack Eyed Peas and Joss Stone. Dear Lord.
Ooh Big Mike, white really isn't your colour. I feel like I'm watching Ghostbusters.
I'm going to have to skip a lot of this charity stuff because it's too cloying. Although Jennifer Garner seems nice and she's supporting Save the Children. I just don't know how they reconcile their obscene wealth with others extreme poverty.
Ooh Posh is supporting Save The Children too. She's putting on a REAL posh voice (how did she get that nickname?). She looks so natural, as ever, reading off that card. What a star.
Ooh Russell Brand has popped up. He looks haunted and too thin. I miss him being off his head on crack presenting MTV Dance. I miss him darting around on Big Mouth. But mostly I miss his radio show. RIP. PS. Don't marry her.
I skipped Black Eyed Peas, but couldn't miss Fergie's outfit. Nice boots, you utter mess. And why is Ferdy in the band now? First Eastenders, now this.
The less said about this stand up comic, the better. Ah, the car advert. How uncynical. This certainly makes me want to give money to Africa.
Wow, Joss Stone's band look cool! *speechless* Pass the gun, dear.
God, Russell Brand, what are you doing? It makes me weep, it really does. Your talent is unique; you are so much better than Jim Carey or that Jonas guy.
God this is rubbish. Annie Lennox and Mary J Bilge are beyond comment.
So, Keith Urban went home. Just as I started liking him. Should have been Casey! Next time.
That show was arduous, which had a knock on effect on my blog. I blame the do-gooding!

The First Election Debate

Yes! I am an intellectual! Look- politics. Look there it is, all old and male and ugly, standing in front of a set that looks like a gaudy kid's quiz show gone wrong..
Now, this is how intellectual I am; I saw David Cameron speak for the first time about one week ago, when I watched that botched interview he did with a gay mag. I was struck by how posh he was! He's a proper toff. All that 'call me Dave' stuff had suckered me in.
Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being posh. But there is something wrong with being a hypocrite, and enjoying killing animals. Oh, and being a liar.
Who's presenting this then, Cat Deeley? Nah, fuck her, get Ian Wright to do it. I'd like to see him call Cameron a mug. Oh, they've plumped for Alistair Stewart, not just as good as Sheriff John Burnell, his American police/camera/action style counterpart. Plus Burnell wouldn't be caught dead drink driving.
First up, Nick Clegg. Started by slagging off the other two; not a good start. Nice yellow tie though. Go yellows!
Ooh Gordon's mic is a bit dodgy. Cut him off. Lose him in a cloud of volcanic ash. It's probably just his dandruff anyway. Economy? Isn't it his fault we're fucked in the first place? You can't even blame B.Liar (tm) Browny was in charge of the briefcase action for the past decade. His tie doesn't look red either. Why should I vote for a man who can't co-ordinate with his own party? Get Gok in, sort the fucker out.
David Cameron; half man, half egg. His face looks totally flat. Plate face, my boyfriend would say, maturely (he's 35). Ahh Cameron is sucking up to Labour. Nice tactic.
Immigration: boring. Gordon Brown sounds like he's reading something. Less students? Yeah, less students, more murderers and rapists! Cameron: 'I hate foreigners' (that's what he's thinking). Mentioned a black person moaning about immigration- no one will see through that one! Clegg: white noise. He looks the most normal though. And he's the liberal.
Fuck this is so mind numbingly boring it's untrue. We're not even at the first break yet.
LAW AND ORDER. This will be more exciting. Murder! Prison sentences. Nick Clegg seems the most passionate. Well, he's the most desperate.
Sorry I took a phonecall then and missed some (honest).
Gordon Brown just said 'far more smaller.' He is our PM! He can't even speak ENGLISH!
MPs, expenses, house of commons. Don't care.
The poshest child on the planet just asked a question about education. Something tells me this kid doesn't need to worry.
Sorry I can't follow this at all. I mean, I can follow it, I'm not an imbecile, but it's really painful. Has David Cameron had botox? He's frowning but his Ant McPartlin-style sixhead isn't wrinkling.
Why is this on ITV anyway? They should have it on all 5 channels in differing styles. So Ian Wright presenting the Five version in words of one syllable or less, Heston Blumenthal doing a combining a cookery show with lively banter, and Jeremy Clarkson driving them round and hopefully doing a Hamster with them for the BBC. Put us all out of our misery.
I liked the begging bit at the end; it reminded me of when the families and friends of big brother contestants plead for votes. Aw, they remembered the names of some people in the audience. Cute.
This could be the worst blog I've EVER written, I apologise. I was too bloody minded to quit once I started.
Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to vote Labour because I don't want that stag-shooting Humpty Dumpty running the country. The yellers haven't got a hope. It's a depressing vote; but what choice do we have?

The World's Strangest Plastic Surgery and me

Mark Dolan is back! Can I do my poor man's Louis Theroux shtick again? Probably not. OK, he's the female Dawn Porter. I kind of like him and don't like him, it's weird.
First he went to see 'the American Barbie doll' who was clearly just fame hungry. Despite her being late, Mark kissed her (plastic) arse hard when she finally showed after six hours. Needless to say, she looked revolting. Then her nostril collapsed whilst filming. Yum! Turns out she had body dysmorphia; no shit.
OMG she looked like an alien when she was getting injected! And she sounded like she was having an orgasm. Extra creepy.
The next woman he went to see had been crafted by two successive plastic surgeon husbands. The second husband delighted in showing Mark porn mags with his wife in. Charming. Oh, and he sewed her hymen up to make her a 'virgin' again! This is taking objectification to a new low. She said she was 'his property' quite proudly.
Then there was some superfluous stuff about her 'singing' talent, and she mimed a song in some awful club that looked like something out of Borat. Next!
Next he met someone with some serious body-modification called Stalking Cat. He was so deformed he could barely speak. OMG he even had little tiny teeth like a cat! Nutso. For some reason had breast implants, too. Mark failed to ask him why. Good journalism!
This person was clearly seriously mentally ill. How did he find someone to do that to him?! Where? Mark asked none of these questions, and the show ended abruptly. What would Louis say?

Quiz show: Pointless

This blog is live from Brighton, home of chavs, drunks, gay men galore, and now, me. My internet is connected, but my BT Vision is not, despite various calls. Thank god for catch-ups online. And thanks to you for bearing with me.
I started doing a blog on Sharon Osbourne's comedy roast but halfway through my internet connection packed up and I saw it as a sign. There's only so many ways you can insult Keith Lemon.
I am rather obsessed with quiz shows; I'll watch any old crap, from the honed genius of Deal or No Deal, to the proud idiocy of Family Fortunes. Who Wants To Be a Millionaire can be watched any time, any place. Perfect Recall requires a cardigan to cover the answers if you're a real smart arse, as my friends are. But you get the idea.
So; Pointless. A glorious gem, inexplicably on at the same time as Deal, (the greatest quiz show of all time- despite it having no questions. No questions! Noel may have mentioned it) but well worth seeking out. Presented by Alexander Armstrong, or as you'll know him, PIMMS man! You actually forget about the Pimms advert after a while, which I wouldn't have thought possible. God knows how they got him to present this, but it's great, because he's brilliant at it. He is backed up by his glamorous assistant, Richard Osman, who does a 'dictionary corner' type role, and is a fantastic know-it-all. The relationship between the two of them is good fun.
The contestants come in pairs, and are brilliantly geeky (who can forget the gay heavy metal guys?). The show's premise is that it's a 'brainy family fortunes' so they will give you a question like 'Countries beginning with A' and instead of saying America or Australia, you have to guess the answer than NO ONE said, so Armenia or something would be a low scorer. To win the jackpot at the end you have to think of a totally pointless answer. The other day the final question was Oasis top ten hits and I got the pointless answer of 'Sunday Morning Call.' I always like the ones Noel sings on *smug*.
This year they did dumb it down a bit from last year, because in the second round they give you possible answers, which is RUBBISH unless the question is impossibly hard, and about flags or constellations (I've seen both).
All in all though, it's great fun, expertly presented, and the jackpot is so pathetically small it makes you wonder why anyone bothered.
Watch Pointless so they don't cancel it; it's the best thing on TV. Which says a lot about other things on TV, but more about Pointless- it's cool.