Yes! I am an intellectual! Look- politics. Look there it is, all old and male and ugly, standing in front of a set that looks like a gaudy kid's quiz show gone wrong..
Now, this is how intellectual I am; I saw David Cameron speak for the first time about one week ago, when I watched that botched interview he did with a gay mag. I was struck by how posh he was! He's a proper toff. All that 'call me Dave' stuff had suckered me in.
Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being posh. But there is something wrong with being a hypocrite, and enjoying killing animals. Oh, and being a liar.
Who's presenting this then, Cat Deeley? Nah, fuck her, get Ian Wright to do it. I'd like to see him call Cameron a mug. Oh, they've plumped for Alistair Stewart, not just as good as Sheriff John Burnell, his American police/camera/action style counterpart. Plus Burnell wouldn't be caught dead drink driving.
First up, Nick Clegg. Started by slagging off the other two; not a good start. Nice yellow tie though. Go yellows!
Ooh Gordon's mic is a bit dodgy. Cut him off. Lose him in a cloud of volcanic ash. It's probably just his dandruff anyway. Economy? Isn't it his fault we're fucked in the first place? You can't even blame B.Liar (tm) Browny was in charge of the briefcase action for the past decade. His tie doesn't look red either. Why should I vote for a man who can't co-ordinate with his own party? Get Gok in, sort the fucker out.
David Cameron; half man, half egg. His face looks totally flat. Plate face, my boyfriend would say, maturely (he's 35). Ahh Cameron is sucking up to Labour. Nice tactic.
Immigration: boring. Gordon Brown sounds like he's reading something. Less students? Yeah, less students, more murderers and rapists! Cameron: 'I hate foreigners' (that's what he's thinking). Mentioned a black person moaning about immigration- no one will see through that one! Clegg: white noise. He looks the most normal though. And he's the liberal.
Fuck this is so mind numbingly boring it's untrue. We're not even at the first break yet.
LAW AND ORDER. This will be more exciting. Murder! Prison sentences. Nick Clegg seems the most passionate. Well, he's the most desperate.
Sorry I took a phonecall then and missed some (honest).
Gordon Brown just said 'far more smaller.' He is our PM! He can't even speak ENGLISH!
MPs, expenses, house of commons. Don't care.
The poshest child on the planet just asked a question about education. Something tells me this kid doesn't need to worry.
Sorry I can't follow this at all. I mean, I can follow it, I'm not an imbecile, but it's really painful. Has David Cameron had botox? He's frowning but his Ant McPartlin-style sixhead isn't wrinkling.
Why is this on ITV anyway? They should have it on all 5 channels in differing styles. So Ian Wright presenting the Five version in words of one syllable or less, Heston Blumenthal doing a combining a cookery show with lively banter, and Jeremy Clarkson driving them round and hopefully doing a Hamster with them for the BBC. Put us all out of our misery.
I liked the begging bit at the end; it reminded me of when the families and friends of big brother contestants plead for votes. Aw, they remembered the names of some people in the audience. Cute.
This could be the worst blog I've EVER written, I apologise. I was too bloody minded to quit once I started.
Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to vote Labour because I don't want that stag-shooting Humpty Dumpty running the country. The yellers haven't got a hope. It's a depressing vote; but what choice do we have?