The Secret (Gay) Millionaire

Today's secret millionaire was Terry who made his money from gay clubs and Mr Gay UK. And what a lot of money; he lived with his husband in a great fuck-off castle with a swimming pool. He went to work in a care home in Penzance, which was as grim as can be. That's my worst nightmare of a job, I'd really like to pretend old people don't exist, if possible. If I start to think about the full horror of what the future holds for all of us (if we don't die young, which isn't a particularly appealing alternative) I'd get badly depressed. So he helped out wiping old people's butts for £5.35 an hour. Poor fuckers. The thought of my mum becoming infantalised like that is truly the most terrifying thing I can think of.
He couldn't hack it though so went to work in the chippy instead. Mmm, chips. They looked quite tasty. Good move.
There was the usual 'this is how the peasants live' debate over bread prices (I wouldn't pay a pound for a loaf myself- unless I had to!)
The lovely old couple he befriended with the daughter in the wheelchair was heartbreaking. They were such a close couple. I honestly can't cope with the tragedy. I'm too sensitive. I honestly don't know how I will cope with all of the tragedy that inevitably lies ahead in life. I'm too weak! I just want to bury my head in the sand about it all.
I'm struck in this programme every week how friendly people are! I know there's a camera there but still, there does seem such a lot of genuine people out there. You don't meet people like that too much in London. They are more likely to call you an animal on the tube for asking them to move up an inch.

NME: You stupid fucking fucking fucking fuckers

Dear NME:
I wholeheartedly hope your magazine folds on the back of this imaginary 'scandal' involving Morrissey. Morrissey has a LOT of fans, I've never heard ANYONE declare themselves a fan of the NME. The NME is part of our indie heritage but that's all it is. It ceased to be relevant when I was about 16.
Morrissey is far, far too intelligent to be a racist, and you insinuating he is, or even mentioning him in the same sentence as the BNP sickens me to the core. Are you thick or something? Should we not shut the metaphorical 'gates' to Britain at some point, when you can't get a doctor, or you're collapsing on the tube because it's too fucking crammed? I live in London and I have had to change my hours at work because I can't travel at rush hour. I have claustrophobia. There ARE too many people in England, it's a fact. We are a small island. There are only so many people who can live here, that's simple logistics. Did you not look at it that way? Or did you just not want to? It's NOTHING to do with racism. Perhaps people should stop giving birth too. That might help.
Morrissey romanticises the England of his youth, but what is wrong with that? He loves England. He has a Coronation Street view of England. Good luck to him. Those are his influences. You can't take that from him. You can't take anything from him, because he's seen it all.
Dragging up old song lyrics to pad out the article is an act of desperation. He has started very clearly a million and one times that National Front Disco is a STORY. He also pointed out once that Eminem can write stories about throttling his wife and is revered yet Morrissey can't write lyrics about the National Front. Do the lyrics 'we've lost our boy' mean nothing to you? How can Morrissey mean nothing to you when he is the greatest lyricist of our generation? You owe him more respect.
To say at the time of the Love Music Hate Racism campaign there is 'no room for grey areas' is an extreme form of censorship. What NME means is, agree with us, or pay for it. That sounds a LOT like the BNP. The po-faced questioning style is just embarrassing. It's Morrissey! How dare you, frankly.
Well I hope you sold a couple more copies of your shitty, paper-thin comic. But you sold out a national treasure. Go suck Kate Nash's arse. Go give Lethal Bizzle a blow job. HE'S FUCKING SHIT! I never knew HOW shit until got NME TV last week and you keep playing his fucking moronic video! Am I allowed to say that? Am I racist?! Is that a grey area? You stupid fuckers. Seriously, die. Don't preach to me how not to be racist. I have a brain. I'm not a fucking moronic sheep. Your readers aren't halfwits, they don't need to be told what to think.
It makes me laugh that when Morrissey came back from his hiatus it was literally like the second coming. And now this.
It angers me because I care about Morrissey. And I don't want him to be demonised or destroyed, or demorolised. But he just sold out 7 nights at the Roundhouse. And you will never, ever stop us loving him. And you can never make people love you, like we love him. Start packing up your desks. I'm sure it won't be long now.

The Killers: Sawdust

Er, I'm two weeks too late with this, but I was quite annoyed that the NME only gave this album 6 out of 10 (and I always read the NME two weeks late). Despite a dodgy middle section, for a B-sides album it deserves a LOT more credit. Plus all the songs they said were the good ones were the rubbish ones. Grr! I was also annoyed by their holding up of Oasis as the master of the B-side album. Yawn. Get over it.
I had most of these songs already, but I am quite a big Killers fan so I have hunted them down over the past year or three. Tranquillize has obviously not been on the scene long, and whilst committing the dual crimes of having Lou Reed guesting AND incorporating a children's choir, it still manages to get stuck in your head like a crowbar. Shadowplay is a brilliant cover. I like Joy Division music but can't stand his voice so this cover was ideal for me. I really enjoyed it when they played this at the Wembley Arena gig earlier this year too (was that this year? I think it was). All the Pretty Faces I already had but it's still an album-worthy B-side. Leave The Bourbon on The Shelf I hadn't heard but it had a good sing-a-long chorus.
The best 'new' track on the album for me was Sweet Talk, I really liked the keyboards. I don't even know where this track is from? Really good though. Under The Gun I've had for as long as I had Hot Fuss, although this is a different mix. It's amazingly catchy and still reminds me of many hours playing Mario Golf. The Killers and Mario Golf will be forever entwined in my mind. I won't make a joke about moustaches... I'll leave that to the NME (although he should shave it off cos he looks like a prick, obviously).
I don't like Where The White Boys Dance much, it's a bit dirgy. And I already have it on Sam's Town, which was only this year (I think- God, I've got Alzheimer's) so I don't need it again. Show Me How goes for the Bright Eyes technique of having such an annoying intro to a song that it makes you want to turn it off. The song doesn't do much to redeem itself after that either. I think Move Away was on the Spiderman soundtrack or something... it's Brandon trying to be Bono. Just skip it and pretend it never happened.
Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll... everyone already has. Probably not needed on this album. Who Let You Go, another from my Mario Golf period. I love it. As good as anything on Hot Fuss (well except you know, the biggies). The Ballad of Michael Valentine, again, another strong B-side. I wasn't too keen on Ruby, Don't take Your Love to Town, but I don't like covers much. Even the Killers cover of Morrissey's Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself is lacklustre, and that's one of my top Moz songs of all time. Not sure why that's not on this album, but probably for that very reason.
Daddy's Eyes is good, but reminds me of All the Pretty Faces. The stripped-down version of Sam's Town sounds really different. I like alternative versions. Romeo and Juliet: I hate the original but this version is OK. Change Your Mind: absolutely brilliant. I've had this one for as long as I've had all the oldies too. I think it's one of my favourite Killers songs ever.
And finally the Jacques Lucont Thin White Duke dance mix of Mr Brightside. Probably in my top five dance mixes of all time, and that includes the Arctic Monkey's When the Sun Goes Down (Fake ID's Scummy Mix) and the fantastic Eminem/Morrissey mash-up 'This Charming Booty'. It really takes you on a journey. A very uplifting one!
So yeah. I'd give this an 8 even with all the filler in the middle, because the good is very, very good indeed.
The NME says, it's really easy to dislike The Killers. Well it's par for the course for any self-respecting indie kid (or granny, as I am) to hate the NME. And it's because of reviews like that, and then they'll give Natasha Beddingfield an 8 or summat. So fuck them.

Deal with the Devil... well, Rhydian

You may have noticed and admired my fancy new header (or you might think it's shit- if so, booo!) Anyway, it was made for me by the writer of this nutty Rhydian fan site and am now writing some X Factor style babble for him. I'm like a guest columnist and my posts are called X Factor eXecration (that large X was NOT my idea). The X Factor is nearly over so we may as well milk it all we can, as the jungle is boring and there's nothing else on.
But he's trying to make me turn to the dark side and like Rhydian!!! It will never happen. Just looking up his nose on that banner freaks me out every time.
Leon is my man. Cute little pocket-sized, bandy-legged, manky-teethed Leon. Forever!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - All Filler

Well now most of the 'big personalities' (i.e. shit stirrers) have gone they are desperately padding out the show. Let's show them talking about life in camp! Lets show them sweeping up! Zzzzzz.
How many more times do we need to hear about Mark and Cerys' romance? Bloody hell. Ship him back in or shut up about it. YAWN. In light of him just being revealed as a (possible?) wife beater the wedding talk was a bit galling.
I quite enjoyed the ghost train task with J and Gemma competing for the most monotone accent... I mean, for the stars. I liked her getting a bunch of sludge in her lap. Bless her moaning about the evil British press. Well if you will have blow up boobs and no personality, what else are they gonna write about, m'dear?
I felt sorry for Janice tonight! Anna Ryder-blah-blah-blah has got a cheek calling Janice an OAP, she's about her age. I was pleased she went because they were all getting way too smug and comfy. She had done nothing to deserve being there on the last day, so good riddance. Janice needs someone to bounce off! Janice to win.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - It Must Be Love

Why was everyone picking on Janice today? Anyone would have thought Lynne was a defenceless puppy by the way they were going on about her. She was a prize cunt, the very worst kind of person, one who doesn't practise what they preach. I wasn't slightly sorry to see the back of the sanctimonious old boot. Fair enough Janice and Rodney were pretty childish not saying goodbye but I understood why they did it.
Mark's (Marc? I'm sure it was Mark!) letter to Cerys was quite sweet but they over egged it somewhat, unless they are going to bring him back in, what do I care? I take it he's dumped the girlfriend. If I was Cerys I'd be very wary of him. I like Cerys, she seems very calm and thoughtful. I hope she doesn't get stung by the whole sorry mess. But it's true: you can't help who you fall for sometimes. That's why there are so many broken-hearted, divorced people in the world. Oh yeah, and well done to Cerys for standing up to Rodney. He almost seemed to listen!
I was surprised to see John go, I quite liked him in a way, even though he was a full-on bear with a sore head. When will the Hollyoaks Mute be defeated? She is a robot! Her heart is made of ice! I like Biggins, even though he is quite smutty. I like J. Ryder-Richardson's alright. The camp is going to be a dullard-fest before we know it. Ant and Dec are pretty funny though.

X Factor: Dead Dad returns!

Here we go again. I thought Beverley was very shrill. It didn't do it for me at all. Too shrieky. Same Difference did alright I thought; super cheesy but in tune mostly. He is a lot better than her. She needs to stop gurning. But apart from that, they are troupers. Their family seemed a bit touchy feely. I'm not really into all that.
Niki rolled out the dead dad again! Wrong! She sang the sort of ballad my mum used to play in the car. Her voice is good, there's just something unlikable about her (mainly self-pity). There is also something awkward about her when she performs.
I was pleased they played the Phantom of the Opera music again when they introduced Rhydian. I thought they'd stopped ripping the shit out of him when they didn't play it last week. Rhydian was back in full-on serial killer mode this week, shifty eyed and looking like he'd had a run in with an angry orange. The song he sang was dreadful, it had no tune at all. God knows why Dannii was crying I can only presume she was drunk or on her period. Hope were patchy but passionate. The other ones didnt sing a word, but the main girl did well and looked better now she's a reformed skunk.
I was disappointed Leon did swing. I hate swing! Still, on the plus side his hair has grown, and he didn't dance this week, so he looked HOT. Hurrah! He was in full on mini-josh-hartnett-with-manky-teeth mode, which works for me.
I enjoyed the end when Beverley went. I was glad Hope stayed as they are more interesting and I enjoyed Simon's gloating. Fuck you, Louis! You've only got Dead Dad now and you know she's no match for the angry orange.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - 'I'm Not Used to This!'

Lynne displayed arch manipulation skills tonight. She actually made me scream she was so infuriating. She would argue black was white, but only after giving you a fat guilt trip first. John was cruel to her, but she milked it, big time. Why does she always start on Janice too? Janice didn't really do anything! Janice means well. Lynne is inherently cuntish. I knew when John apologised there'd be another row. His apology was crap but Lynne was very ungracious, then went running telling tales to camp.
The task wasn't THAT bad I don't think. The bickering between Janice and Lynn was hilarious. 'I wish I had my camera- that's a great Christmas card'. Fucking genius. I liked her pretending to snog Dec too. Lynn seemed to be enjoying sucking on some shrimp. I wonder if the shrimp enjoyed it? At least it shut her up. Janice was the most unsupportive team mate ever, But I loved it! I loved them describing what they hated about each other afterwards; it sounded like they were describing themselves.
Observation: Katie Hopkins talks like a little girl. She needs to unleash her inner bitch. I enjoyed the fly gangbang. God I'd go mad there! Proper horrible!
It really bugged me when Rodney was like 'Cerys should leave' cos of the Beppe brother love. It aint her fault! It's HIS FAULT. He is the one with a girlfriend. Cerys hasn't really done anything. Mark's girlfriend's impassioned speech didn't really move me. She didn't seem to care enough, somehow.
It was a major cock-up that Mark went. That was a major storyline and now the romance probably won't get started. Aw! Killjoys. Now all we've got to put up with is arguing. Grr! How can anyone have voted to save Hollyoaks Mute over him?
Still, it will give Rodney some food for thought. Feminazis unite!
Mark's interview was a lesson in hole digging! DIG DIG DIG. It felt very real though. He wasn't a politician, he was quite honest. I felt sorry for him! Scurry back to London, Beppe's bro. Your clothes are on the lawn. Nice!

The Secret Millionaire

I was a bit disappointed with The Secret Millionaire last week. The guy was a bit annoying, even if he did restore Morrissey's favourite Salford Lad's Club.
This week featured a 26 year old self-made multi-millionaire called Ben. Great. make me feel good about earning a pittance. He was quite posh though, so I think daddy probably gave him a bung somewhere along the line. Still, not wanting to be an inverted snob, I gave him a chance. He lives in Mayfair but went to Hackney to try and get shot... er, help. 32 people were murdered there last year. Woo hoo!
Ben volunteered at a youth club. Ben was a crap liar. Some young chav asked him what he did for a living and he nearly cracked! The youth of Hackney didn't seem too bad really. They just needed a cuddle, like David Cameron said. And he just needs a face transplant. But I digress!
Hold up! About halfway through I noticed Ben suddenly had a black eye! He didn't have a black eye at the start! How did this happen? Why no explanation? I guess whoever did that aint going to be getting a windfall. Haha!
It was really wonderful when he gave the youth centre 20K and the guy just broke down in tears and hugged him. That guy worked for free just to support the kids who went there. He gave 10K to a guy who wanted to be a fashion designer. It was lovely when he visited the family as they seemed so close and such lovely people and he offered to pay for their wedding! I don't think the bloke wanted to get married! Still, they'd been together for twenty years.
He didn't just give the cash and fuck off: he stayed involved in the community too.
All in all: feel-good factor equals ten. Posh people are nice! Yay!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Feminazi

Woo! I want to be formally known as a feminazi from now on. So tonight. Janice and J did well on their trial, therefore it was boring. John woke everyone up at 4.15 by lighting a fire and bashing about (I'd have chucked him in the fire). He was spoiling for a fight and found one in Lynne. You could tell she wanted to lose her rag but was trying hard to rise above it. I loved the fact she was seething! Keep needling her. You can break her yet.
She's right though, John and Rodney have no respect for women, so I wasn't too upset to see Rodney sprain his knee. Still, he got to spend the night in hospital, so it wasnt all bad. It's a sad state of affairs when going to hospital is your best option though. The others should start injuring themselves for fun! Hospital food! Yummy.
Beppe's brother seemed to be paying homage to Beppe with his raggedy goatee. The bite mark set it off nicely. Cerys didn't seem to agree with Anna that she and Mark were just 'good good good friends'. She seemed to be thinking something else entirely.
The British public stupidly chose Janice for the trial again- she won't eat that crap! It will be interesting to see how Lynne does after the 'I would have done the eating one' comment. Serve her up a big portion!

Dispatches: Mark Thomas on Coca-Cola

Or... Mark Thomas on Coke. Mark Thomas always reminds me of James Dean Bradfield. I think it's the heavy-handed political bent. Still, I like it. So, Coca-Cola did used to have cocaine in it. Coca-cola sponsored the Nazis (until they defected to Fanta!) Coca-cola is racist. Coca-Cola is nicking poor people's water in India.
The middle part of the show went over my head (mainly because I was writing my 'Celebrity..' blog), but involved Columbia, the bottling plant and dead people. Basically Coke don't care about the workers, they only care about money. Well, well.
They showed the sugar fields and a ten year old boy working in El Salvador. That is quite shocking. They really don't care, do they? The reason kids are working is because the wages are so crap. They could stop that happening. Instead they are polluting the water.
Next Mark looked at the health implications of drinking coke, not just from the sugar but the caffeine, especially for children. And then he got his brain scanned and realised he secretly loved coke. Doh!
I enjoyed the part about people on death rows asking for Coca-Cola for their final meal. I wonder if you're allowed booze with your last meal?
Anyway, I think my boyfriend summed it up by saying 'this programme makes me want a Coke' and then he left the room saying, 'I get it, Coke is bad.'
They are all bad, all these big boys, the are all the lizards. And we remain the mindless Coke drinking sheep. Baa!

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! - Oh, Man!

Another good show tonight. Lynne was very brave during the trial, then ruined it all horribly by being so sanctimonious about it. Well done to John for calling her out. She also let herself down in the egg timer task by falling for Rodney's 'it takes a big person to step down' speech. No it doesn't! Fight to the death. What sort of feminist are you? 'I know it means more to you to win...' Why, because he's a sexist? Sigh!
Beppe's brother and Cerys romance is quite shocking really, considering he's got a girlfriend. I wouldn't trust someone who falls in love that fast in a gazillion years. I don't know what she sees in him, he's so slimy. She does look genuinely worried about her obvious feelings for him. It must be horrendous worrying about the public perception of events. But she's not to blame, he is! She's single. His girlfriend might be huffing and puffing about Cerys, but open your eyes, love. Your man is a RAT.
They will definitely have a snog soon. We might not get to see it though. I have a feeling it will be done under cover. John stirred it up a bit too by saying it looked like it was 'meant to be'. It's just lust! It's just Stockholm Syndrome! It'll probably be Janice and Biggins next.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Trouble Ahead

Not much to say about tonight except, what with men being so superior to women (especially physically, of course) I was surprised to see Rodney being completely humiliated in that challenge. By Janice. Ha! Brilliant.
Beppe's brother embarrassed himself by saying Cerys had a beautiful voice (she doesn't) and then 'we need to talk' to J, as if it was some state secret that he had the hots for the horse-faced Welsh woman. I hope his girlfriend is plotting a bad-arse revenge.
I quite enjoyed the van task, I like things where people are forced to make conversation and stick things out. Hollyoaks Mute claimed she was cold in relationships. Not exactly a surprise. She hasn't got the most winning TV personality, has she? I don't think anyone can be bothered to fancy her. Kate Hopkins has been disappointingly un-bitchy. Now I actually don't mind her. I'm liking Biggins too.
So happy Lynne has to do the next task. Hope she gets stuck down the tunnel. Permanently.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here- 'He's an old prick'

I love the mix of people in Celeb this year, in that for the post part, they are such a bunch of cunts it's hard to choose who you hate the most. Lynn and Rodney are in joint first place for me. Lynn's passive-agressive martyrdom or Rodney's boorish sexism? It's a toughie.
John started off the day by shouting at people to be nice to each other. Fab. Then he did a bizarre rap and Rodney said 'you've lost votes, thats what black people do.' (a very dubious comment!) Lynn said you're not allowed to say 'black', you have to say Afro-Carribean. Stupid bitch. Even so, I give it two days before Rodney gets kicked out, Jim Davidson stylee. He's a thick bully.
Loved the ostrich task- Lynn was super annoying (just shut up!), Janice gave her what for. Very funny.
The rest of the show was pretty dull: can you imagine how boring it will be at the end when it's Beppe's brother, Cerys, J and Hollyoaks Mute?
Ps. Kangaroos are not rodents. They are marsupials.

X Factor: Mum at a Wedding

Disco week! I hate disco, naturally. They are always harping on about the acts being modern, then they set them themes like country music, or heavy metal week (actually, that would be amusing) then moan at them for not being contemporary.
Leon did better, but looked like a child. White trousers are never good. Niki- sang better than last week. Beverley looked awful and I thought she was crap. Rhydian- awful. Hope- out of tune and horrible outfits. Alisha: her voice isn't good enough! I quite like Young Hearts but she murdered it. Same Difference: as the name says. Shrug.
Louis is a dick. Dannii seemed to have a mild form of retardation that made her make stupid comments really loudly, followed by a 'woo!'
I wasn't sad to see Alisha go (except a little for Sharon). She should have gone a long time ago. It annoys me when they take ages to vote. Just fucking say a name, you dicks.
Next week: Motown classics! Pass the knife.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Men and Women

It's taken me a while to write this as I was suffering from the after effects of too much vodka at the Morrissey night. But how could I let Rodney Marsh's comments pass without comment?
His ludicrous argument that men and women aren't equal because 'women haven't invented anything' is dim in the extreme. But actually, you're right, Rodney, men and women AREN'T equal. Women don't start wars. Women rarely rape and murder. Women rarely sexually abuse children. So you can keep your toaster, or your lightbulb or whatever you invented: I'd rather be of the sex who lives in peace. I'd rather be non-threatening.
Men and women AREN'T equal: men can't give birth, so without women, the human race would be history. So in fact women are superior. But men and women SHOULD be treated equally. That is what feminism is, fighting for those rights. Rodney clearly has no respect for women, and the women in the camp let themselves down by not taking him to task for his out-dated views. The viewing public also missed the opportunity to stick it to him by voting for him to do the trial.
'I wouldn't fly on a plane with two women pilots': for God's sake! I cant believe people still say things like that. 'Women have no sense of humour'- Janice Dickinson has made me laugh repeatedly on the show. Rodney: not once.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- Bring Back Gaffney!

Beppe's brother: dirty dog! If I was his girlfriend I'd cut his dick off. That putting his arm round her thing had echoes of Chantelle and Preston and we know how THAT ended up. Run Cerys! He's s sleaze. She didn't look happy when he was comforting Katie. If they are flirting this much on day three, I wouldn't trust him let lose in a nightclub. No wonder someone bit his face.
Katie did very well in the task, she's one hard arse. I found it very frightening, the music alone freaked me! Proper horror movie.
Arch feminist Lynn decided to sleep in the treehouse with king chauvinist Rodney. She proved that she wanted to make the world equal by propping her fat arse against a branch and watching him build the steps to the treehouse. She further added to the feminist's cause by saying she felt 'protected and safe'. You go, girlfriend!
REAL feminist ball-breaker Janice continued to get a raw deal from the camp. I liked her delusion that we were voting her for the tasks because 'she was the most famous'.
I was glad everyone started to hate Lynn! Good! Too many cooks spoil the broth. Victor Meldrew chef is damn rude. I'd smack him one. They are a loathsome bunch! Janice to win! Stop voting for her to do the trials, you thick fuckers! She's shit at them! Biggins did alright. She was brave/annoying in the face of torture. Bet she wished she'd felt up the rats instead.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!- 'You're gay'

Well Janice obviously wasn't the right choice for the eating task. Lynn could have done it easily, as she pointed out- and from appearances she clearly has a long history of shovelling a mountain of crap into her gob. Fucking smug bitch. I really want to punch her. She has really brought out quite a violent streak in me- I wish they'd let her go in the glass coffin. Then they'd dropped it. I'm quite liking Katie from The Apprentice in comparison. Even though she's got a bright red nose.
The eating thing was funny: I enjoyed Janice saying 'you're gay' as John was eating crocodile penis, and him replying 'give us a kiss.' He seemed to take a bit of a shine to Janice, didn't he? Needless to say, I wouldn't eat any of that stuff. Just the thought of it fermenting in your stomach is the stuff of nightmares.
I like Janice's banter with Ant and Dec. Ant and Dec are pretty funny on this show, unlike all that other dross they do.
That J guy seems alright, but he looks very thin and tired, he's starting to resemble a victim of famine. I quite like his deadpan accent. And finally a man who won a task and didn't go 'I got beaten by a girl!' like some sort of Neanderthal prick.
I don't like Beppe's brother, he's a knob-end. He seemed to be having an orgasm over eating a pig. I don't like football dude- he's a sexist twat. Chef guy is OK. Cerys seems quite nice. Gemma: try speaking.
PS: Why does everyone like coffee so much? Just the smell of it makes me gag. I wouldn't even hold hands with a wombat for it.

I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here- 'I grew up in a swamp'

I hate this programme but I always watch a couple of them (and it was worth it for Dean Gaffney last year! Proper wet yourself funny) I can't believe it's been a year since this was last on. I'll be retired before I know it.
So the line up is utter shit, except for Janice Dickinson, who is absolutely amazing. She really reminds me of Courtney Love in that she's utterly mad, funny (great one liners) and doesn't give a fuck. Malcolm McClaren was rude to slam the door in her face; she wasn't even mean to him! I have no clue who the fat woman was who claimed to be his friend, but he didn't even open the door to her, so I'm guessing they aren't in each others top friends on facebook. Oh she's called Lynn. Well she has really rubbed me up the wrong way actually. Who ARE you? Don't fuck with Janice, you boot faced old harridan! Janice is ace. Lynn is a shit stirrer and she will try and put it on Janice, mark my words. In the meantime, everyone else will sit on the fence. YAWN.
Who else is in there? Bloke from 5. Some plain person who's meant to be sexy off Hollyoaks. Some old men. An interior designer. Beppe's brother (did someone bite his face?) Cerys 'Road Rage' Matthews.
So then they made them bungee jump out of a plane. How can bungee jumping out of a plane be legal? People die doing that stuff! I wouldn't do it for a million pounds. I don't want to die by having my head smashed to pieces. People are insane.
Fair play to Janice for volunteering to do the trial, but what was the problem with eels? Fish guts is way worse. It was well funny when they span them round on that wheel and Janice was shrieking.
Ant and Dec are pretty funny on this show. I like the way they've cunningly devised a way to get more cash out of the phonelines by splitting the teams up too. KERCHING!

Corrie/ Enders Sandwich

If Corrie's the bread, it's Warburtons, and if Eastenders is the meat, it's Spam! Spam, spam, spam.
Corrie was quite funny, with Rosie in full on porno mode. Did they deliberately dress Dev-daughter and her friend in dowdy grey in comparison to Rosie's 50s hussy look? Rosie needs to lose that caked on fake tan though, it's disgusting! Bring back the goth! You can do sexy goth. Sexy goth works! Ooh, someone even mentioned she used to be a goth too! I'm glad she didn't deny her goth roots. I bet she still listens to Cradle of Filth on the sly.
In Eastendersville we were tortured by the jointly-shit hairdo and acting combination of Stephen. Not too sure why Pat is defending psycho-boy- 'he's your family, you can't wash your hands of him'- um, I'd say shooting your wife was a pretty good reason to bump someone from the Christmas Card list.
The whole Jase thing is beyond me: why do Dawn and Roxy fancy him when he looks like a tramp who found a rank paisley shirt in a skip? Why was Dawn wearing her underwear out? What's happening with the mob? I don't know, I don't care. It's not exactly The Sopranos is it? It's not exactly mini-Den is it? Why did they kill mini-Den? Bring him back from the dead Harold Bishop stylee!
I wish they'd restore Pauline's old house to it's grotty grey glory. It just looks too generic now. I forget it's even the same place.
Why are the non-scary gangsters going to do over the Vic? What's that got to do with Jase? I wish I'd paid more attention now. Well, not really. Cos it's SHIT!
And onto Corrie again. Michelle seems to have been using the same nuclear shade of foundation as Rosie: 'Jodie Marsh 101'. Step away from the orange! Pale is beautiful.
Jason's wedding speech: 'it's not the sea lions fault: he's only human.' WHAT??? That makes NO sense. Kill the writers!
Do I care about the ugly family who run the kebab shop? NO! Nor does anyone!
Yeah. The second half was pretty disappointing. Maybe it was Sunblest after all.

Vain Men

As I'd already seen the Location, Location, Location's I'd taped tonight, I had to find some other brainless TV to watch when I slumped home from work. So I found this little gem on my Sky Plus 'Anytime TV' which means you can watch it too, if you have sky plus and feel so inclined.
Personally I can't think of anything worse than vain men. Even moisturising is unacceptable to me in a partner, so you can forget about shaving legs or getting a manicure like in this programme. The first guy was from Northampton, my home turf! Typical Shoe Town twattishness. He said 'we're just catching up with women.' It's not something worth catching up with though, is it? Vanity isn't an accolade. It's a curse.
Also, was it a coincidence that half of these vain men were going bald, so they went to the gym and got a spray tan to compensate. Well, let me break it to you, it doesn't! Just accept what nature dishes out gracefully. Don't get your balls sugared! Urgh! Did I really need to see the back, sack and crack wax too? URGH!!! I was literally agog. They filmed right up his crack! It's humiliating! he looked like he wouldn't be able to sit down for a week. Honestly. Just be hairy! You're a MAN! (For the record, I don't think women should humiliate themselves in the name of vanity either; most beauty treatments of that kind can be done in the privacy of your own home- but then I'm very shy about those sorts of things.)
I like dirty, scruffy men. I like geeky, skinny men who don't know what mascara is, and use bubble bath instead of shampoo by accident. I don't like muscles. I look at a six pack and just think of all the hours that person must be in the gym. I look at muscles and just think 'they must be thick'. I'd rather go out with someone a bit chubby than muscly. A man counting calories bores me rigid. It's such a turn off. Vanity smacks of being insecure, and insecurity in a man is not attractive. Men should be confident or nonchalant. Not needy.
I don't like men who sit in the bath for an hour preening (unless they are reading something). I don't even like men who use products in their hair. Mind you, my boyfriend doesn't even wash his hair, which is possibly too much the other way.
Men should look like men. Men shouldn't care what they look like. The whole vanity market is just a money-spinning ploy to make men as neurotic as women.
Run, men! Run for your lives. Stay grubby and hairy.

The Secret Millionaire

I loved this programme when it was on last year: I found it genuinely heart-warming. My boyfriend says there is something a bit distasteful about this rich person deeming who is worthy of help: but I say fuck it, they don't have to help ANYONE, (and I'm sure many millionaires don't) so good on them.
Gill Fielding went from being poor to having fifteen million as a 'wealth creator'- sounds pretty good. She went back to the East End of London where she grew up and pretended she was making a documentary about that area, whilst looking for likely anti-victims to give a wedge of cash to.
It was a bit of cringeworthy when she was in the shop going 'It's fun not to have money! How much is a pint of milk?'. But I liked her direct style of getting a job in a cafe then asking all the customers 'are you managing financially?' They weird part was, they all went 'yes' which showed that even poor people are proud. Good on them.
Jill got involved with a woman who helps deprived families and a local ailing theatre school. I really am amazed by people who genuinely go out of their way to do good for others, and seek no thanks for it. You don't think people like that exist anymore. But they do, and most don't get visited by a secret millionaire. They just go on slaving.
I was shocked when Gill said she spent £20,000 a month on 'knick-knackery'. Wowee, those must be some knick-knacks. There must be such a fear of being poor though, once you're rich.
I just cried solidly for the last half hour of the show. I'm such a baby. It's just so rare to see something on TV which actually acknowledges and rewards kindness. It reminds me of Faking It in a way, as that was also inspirational TV as opposed to the lowest common denominator of cruelty.
She was very generous too, sometimes I've seen them only give people ten grand or something, but she put £80,000 deposits on houses for people! And she sent a kid to stage school for five years. Good on her. Proper good stuff. Watch the rest of the series!

X Factor: 'Eating Caviar with Salad Cream'

Here we go again! Your saturday night time suckage starts here. Strap yourself in and pour yourself a large drink (or better still, sky plus it and start watching it an hour or two in- then you can forwards through Shayne Ward and the ads).
Niki was out of time- only Foghorn Dannii spotted it. I was disappointed Simon said Niki was good; she was shit. Dannii looked very good tonight I must say- very sexy dress. She's still got the wonk though; shame. I am liking Dannii a lot more than I used to, she does stand up for herself. Louis is more annoying than ever this year, but I like the banter with Simon. Simon owns him, of course.
I thought Same Difference had their best week yet, the set was kind of creepy but they were less shrill and shrieky than normal. Andy No Balls sounded like he was under water, and managed to sing a Snow Patrol song more out of tune than Gary Lightbody. Rock anthem? Not in my house. Bless him in his little 'rock' T-shirt. Beverley was a zillion times better than Niki and in no way deserved to be in the bottom two... hmm, now why could she be? Because of racist Britain, of course! Disappointing.
I thought Hope were quite good, they weren't under-dressed and I thought they sang well. Leon was AWFUL, again. Dancing in the Moonlight is horrific. Please stop him dancing, it makes me not fancy him anymore. I'm not even going to comment on the 'woo!'s or the waving. SHUDDER. His waistcoat was also unnecessary. Alisha had a bland song but I thought it was her best week. Rhydian has a face only his mother could love but he seemed a lot more humble this week and I liked him more for it (it's probably an act! I'm easily fooled).
It was HEARTBREAKING when Andy went out; he took it soooo badly. His lip quiver was too much to bear. I can't stand seeing men cry, especially not such a pretty one. Dermot didn't know where to look.
The Xtra factor was HILARIOUS afterwards, it was like someone had told Leon Andy had cancer; his little red-rimmed eyes and hands praying to some God to please, make it right.
Also, don't tell anyone, but against my better judgement I've also started quite liking Fearne on the Xtra Factor. Shhh!

Film Review: Ratatouille

We went to out for a bit of high culture tonight as it's Orange Wednesdays (ie. cheapo night). Always a fan of fascist, sexist Disney, nothing really touches Finding Nemoid. Rats and cookery aren't exactly my two favourite subjects and I was slightly concerned that the rat was going to be a little smart arse, but he wasn't too bad. I was also a bit alarmed at the grannies use of firearms within the first ten minutes (god bless America); it seemed a slighty excessive pest control method. I was also a bit bemused that the film was set in Paris but the rats had American accents (and they could speak! What the fuck?) Typically there was an English baddie. Boo!
The animation was pretty damn good, but the humans just seemed creepy, considering they got quite a lot of air time. I enjoyed the ghostly chef and the fact he admitted he was a figment of Remy's (the rat) imagination. I found the whole controlling the chef by his hair thing slightly strange but I went along with it. There were also a couple of risque jokes thrown in for the 'oldies' (puke).
All in all, it was an enjoyable film, not boring at all, and with a couple of laughs, but not dazzlingly beautiful or charming (as Nemo was).
The 'moral of the story' (puke again) seemed to be that it's OK if there's a rat in your kitchen, in fact, let it knock up a meal for you. Bizarreness.

X Factor: Big Band Week

God, I hate big bands. Big bands make me think of son of Chucky, Ray Quinn, Westlife and Robbie 'Facial Landslide' Williams (in that order: I have a short attention span). So Big Band week coupled with the fact X Factor is staggering along wounded equals a sullen me.
But it was worse than I thought. Bad luck to all the rubber-neckers who tuned in to see Emily aka 'Shiverz' getting the boot, as she wasn't even mentioned! Is that a good example to people, X Factor producers, if something bad happens, just ignore it and pretend the person never existed? They could have a least said 'Emily had to leave due to personal reasons'. Don't we deserve that much? If you hadn't even seen the news you'd just be left thinking you'd lost a little piece of your mind somewhere. They should have showed the happy slap video. It was more entertaining than anything they had to offer.
So onto the singing. Absolutely awful. The songs were ear-assaultingly bad. Leon still looked scared. The Stepford siblings shrieked and gurned through S Club 7, which I was unaware was a big band classic. Hope prostituted themselves once again. Niki's back flab tried to escape out of her dress. Alisha had one eye on dip and one on dazzle. Andy was the singing equivalent of being forced to watch Heartbeat. Brian Friedman's 'choreography' is part of the problem, just let them stand there and sing for fuck's sake, they're not Michael Jackson, they are dinner ladies and teachers with dead relatives who were bullied at school dammit (oh, get over it).
And so Futureproof were binned. Back to the supermarket. Back to being bullied. Back to the heartbreak and the grief. Back to trying to fill the void of your pathetic little lives.
Oh well, at least you can watch X Factor next week and suffer like the rest of us poor bastards.

Eastenders: Ginger Wedding Horror

Another day, another miserable bride. I didn't like Stacey's dress either. It was too tight. She had that awful granny hairdo like Sarah from Corrie. The dressed-up Winehouse.
Bradley: 'She's too good for me. I can't believe my luck. the most beautiful girl in the Square' (well, next to Heather and that's about it). Has he been looking at the same hamster-faced Stacey as me for the past year or two? She hasn't smiled once, not even 'in the delight and tenderness of sexual union' (er... what sort of marriage vows are they?) with Max.
It was quite a tense Eastenders: well for the first 15 minutes or so. So it should be though, they've been building this storyline up for literally YEARS. There was still a fair bit of dross and filler.
Sean is hot, even though he looks like a maniac teddy bear. I definitely have a soft spot for gingers. Stacey's mum needs shooting.
I liked it when Stacey ran off into the little room and all her ginger men crowded in after her. 'She's hysterical.' said Max. But she wasn't. Max, you rat! I liked it when he said sorry. There was a continuity error when he unzipped Stacey's dress then it was zipped again. Also, 'I'm going to get changed in the car'. What!?
The question is this: why did Lauren leave a video camera taping in her mum and dad's BEDROOM? That's a bit weird isn't it? And also, was that the longest videotape EVER?
Still it drags on. Still we watch.