It feels like about three months ago that the last America's next top model ended. In fact, I'm sure it WAS three months ago. I feel like i've watched six series in about a year. Is Tyra a workaholic? Should they rename the show America's Next Top Model (for five seconds)?
Now Tyra is back with another line up of walking skeletons and as usual we settle down to watch and say 'Urgh! She's ugly!' about 45 times. There MUST be some better looking people in the whole of the USA. Where do they GET these people? I can't decide who's the ugliest, the freakish asian girl (after three weeks of looking at Shilpa, she is just unacceptable) or the twins who look like a pair of rednecks. Seriously, have any of these 'models' even been laid? If so, how?
I'm not saying there aren't some good bodies there. These women's legs are so different looking to mine theirs may as well be slivers of moonbeam and mine buckets full of sludge. It's a different stratosphere of legginess and skinnyness.
So far I like the cute alternative one with short hair. She'll no doubt get kicked out quick sharp cos the ones I like aways do.
About halfway through the show I panicked and suddenly thought, 'Where's Nigel?' We need his English sense of reserve and reason. I hope he shows up in the next show or we're stuck with Tyra's ever growing sixhead, 'Miss' J's Pocahontas schtick and that gay guy with the silver hair whom I always think should be on Queer Eye. I take it Twiggy's fucked off back to Marks and Spencers as well.
I like the bits where they cut off all their hair and make them even uglier. Isn't it weird though, how the most distorted face can take the coolest pictures? Very handy that!
Monday, 29 January 2007
Sunday, 28 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Kindness is a Strength
Six people was a lot to whip out in one night. First two, Jack and Danielle were no suprise: Jack's realisation that they were hated as he walked downstairs was the most astute he's been in three weeks. Danielle did not get the lynching I expected, either by the crowd or Davina. Jo had a much harder time, and had to face it alone. Danielle tittered her way through the clips of her abusing Shilpa. Still: just wait till she gets home and finds her stuff dumped on Teddy Sherringham's lawn- that's enough punishment for one day, I suppose.
Ian was thrilled to come fourth, and it was begrudgingly cute to watch him brimming over with excitement that the public loved him (or at least didn't hate him as much as the others).
So we were left with an all-star non-English final. Dirk came third- so that was my 50p down the drain. He gave good interview as I knew he would and did look slightly disappointed to come third.
So then, the proof we're not racist, and we hate our own as much as everyone else, we had a non-white top two. And Shilpa was STILL getting booed! Are Channel 4 so stupid that they don't realise this looks slightly wrong? They should have taken out the errant booers and shot them in the face or something. That's how I'd deal with it.
Jermaine expected to win, I suspect, but I was glad he didn't. Words of wisdom are fine, but he dished out more cliches than an Eastenders script. Still, he was fairly accurate most of the time, and was a genuinely lovely guy, whom I fully expected to hate on Day One. Which leads me to wondering... am I wrong about Michael Jackson? Let's not even go down that road, it's too scary...
And then there was one. Shilpa looked genuinely hurt when she saw the others abusing her on the clips. Her forgiveness of Jade and 'not wanting to cause trouble' was lovely: YOU didn't cause trouble, Shilpa, other people did.
So in the end, the top three were all successful people, all decent people, all kind people. What did Britain have to offer? A couple of people who were happy to walk by on the other side as someone got hurt, a group of people who hated someone because she was different to them, and three eccentrics who (quite wisely) buggered off before the going got really tough. Leo provided the truest comedy, and we could have done with a lot more of it.
So what will Big Brother in the summer be like? Will we get a sanitised, Cameron-esque line up? What's more likely is that the producers will push it even more, probably hoping to have the first death/ pregnancy/ stabbing on the show.
Personally, I'd like a return to more normal characters, but not boring ones. People with brains even, and diverse interests, rather than the usual page-three girl offerings. I'd also like to see a vote to save instead of a vote to evict, so we can kick out the dead wood early.
I'd like to see Big Brother NOT meddling with nominations, NOT being evil, NOT giving us stupid twists, NOT letting people back in the house once they've left. Let us feel in control again, and then we can be to blame if it ends up a crap show.
At least it will be ours again. Because I'd hate to see it cancelled. It's still the best thing on telly.
Ian was thrilled to come fourth, and it was begrudgingly cute to watch him brimming over with excitement that the public loved him (or at least didn't hate him as much as the others).
So we were left with an all-star non-English final. Dirk came third- so that was my 50p down the drain. He gave good interview as I knew he would and did look slightly disappointed to come third.
So then, the proof we're not racist, and we hate our own as much as everyone else, we had a non-white top two. And Shilpa was STILL getting booed! Are Channel 4 so stupid that they don't realise this looks slightly wrong? They should have taken out the errant booers and shot them in the face or something. That's how I'd deal with it.
Jermaine expected to win, I suspect, but I was glad he didn't. Words of wisdom are fine, but he dished out more cliches than an Eastenders script. Still, he was fairly accurate most of the time, and was a genuinely lovely guy, whom I fully expected to hate on Day One. Which leads me to wondering... am I wrong about Michael Jackson? Let's not even go down that road, it's too scary...
And then there was one. Shilpa looked genuinely hurt when she saw the others abusing her on the clips. Her forgiveness of Jade and 'not wanting to cause trouble' was lovely: YOU didn't cause trouble, Shilpa, other people did.
So in the end, the top three were all successful people, all decent people, all kind people. What did Britain have to offer? A couple of people who were happy to walk by on the other side as someone got hurt, a group of people who hated someone because she was different to them, and three eccentrics who (quite wisely) buggered off before the going got really tough. Leo provided the truest comedy, and we could have done with a lot more of it.
So what will Big Brother in the summer be like? Will we get a sanitised, Cameron-esque line up? What's more likely is that the producers will push it even more, probably hoping to have the first death/ pregnancy/ stabbing on the show.
Personally, I'd like a return to more normal characters, but not boring ones. People with brains even, and diverse interests, rather than the usual page-three girl offerings. I'd also like to see a vote to save instead of a vote to evict, so we can kick out the dead wood early.
I'd like to see Big Brother NOT meddling with nominations, NOT being evil, NOT giving us stupid twists, NOT letting people back in the house once they've left. Let us feel in control again, and then we can be to blame if it ends up a crap show.
At least it will be ours again. Because I'd hate to see it cancelled. It's still the best thing on telly.
Saturday, 27 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Final Eve
Big Brother should have ended on Friday really. These last two days feel like no mans land. Danielle was crying for herself? No kidding. She even admitted it. Jack's hugging of her looked more authentic than of Jade, but then she always did seem a bit frosty towards him.
Dirk looked happy to stay and even admitted it would be 'kinda cool' to win it. He's done more than Jermaine and Shilpa, who have played it well but safe.
Tomorrow should be interesting. How will they cram in SIX interviews? Jack's will only take 30 seconds admittedly. They didn't even show his wank on the highlights!
Six bottles of beer on the wall, six bottles of beer... oh, it's all very tiring and slightly inconsequential. Hey ho.
Dirk looked happy to stay and even admitted it would be 'kinda cool' to win it. He's done more than Jermaine and Shilpa, who have played it well but safe.
Tomorrow should be interesting. How will they cram in SIX interviews? Jack's will only take 30 seconds admittedly. They didn't even show his wank on the highlights!
Six bottles of beer on the wall, six bottles of beer... oh, it's all very tiring and slightly inconsequential. Hey ho.
Friday, 26 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: The Good That Won't Come Out
The British public, populated by chavs and oiks as it is, did the right thing. Despite Cleo's heartbreaking Kenny story (actually, that WAS quite sad) Dirk so determinedly catching a big fish in the relative dryness BB living room swung it for him. Danielle's realisation that her 'best friends' were the unpopular crowd was classic. You're next, honey! I shall point an old school style lottery finger at you and waggle it hard.
How weird would it have been if Jo and DIRK had left to a gaggle of boos? How unfair! Sure Jo needed a bodyguard but that would have been unusual viewing indeed.
Davina's interviews went back to their usual lame territory tonight: Jo's was too short and was like a surly teen being ticked off by a ineffectual cover teacher. She didn't look or say sorry. And why should she? She hadn't been coached by Jade's PR man.
Cleo should have been taken to task a LOT more. Her victimisation of Dirk was gross. Showing her the bit where he dissed her saggy cleavage was a low blow though. Low, but enjoyable. I guess watching clips of her comedy characters dying on their arses one by one was punishment enough. Saying she wanted Jack or Danielle to win and for Davina to say 'Wait until you read the papers!' was silly: like that's gonna change her mind if three weeks locked in a house with them didn't. Dur.
OK: only one more heartfelt aren't-you-naughty style interview to go, then we can get on with crowning the top three, all of whom won't be English, and probably will run away from England as fast as their lickle legs will carry 'em.
And who could resent them for that?
How weird would it have been if Jo and DIRK had left to a gaggle of boos? How unfair! Sure Jo needed a bodyguard but that would have been unusual viewing indeed.
Davina's interviews went back to their usual lame territory tonight: Jo's was too short and was like a surly teen being ticked off by a ineffectual cover teacher. She didn't look or say sorry. And why should she? She hadn't been coached by Jade's PR man.
Cleo should have been taken to task a LOT more. Her victimisation of Dirk was gross. Showing her the bit where he dissed her saggy cleavage was a low blow though. Low, but enjoyable. I guess watching clips of her comedy characters dying on their arses one by one was punishment enough. Saying she wanted Jack or Danielle to win and for Davina to say 'Wait until you read the papers!' was silly: like that's gonna change her mind if three weeks locked in a house with them didn't. Dur.
OK: only one more heartfelt aren't-you-naughty style interview to go, then we can get on with crowning the top three, all of whom won't be English, and probably will run away from England as fast as their lickle legs will carry 'em.
And who could resent them for that?
Thursday, 25 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Snow Jo-ke
I have found myself really wanting to like Jo, or see a redeeming feature in her at least, but her bullying and insulting of Dirk, a man whom I find it facinating to listen to, unlike her, is just too much. What HAS she got against him? He's grumpy. So's she. He smokes. So does she. The main difference is; he's kind and funny and she's hard-faced and cruel. Her 'fuck off' to Shilpa with the snow was like stamping on a kitten or telling a five year old Christmas is cancelled. What a card. Seriously, in what way does she think that is endearing? You wanna go home Jo? You might not want to come Friday. Feeling a bit uneasy? I know why!
Dirk explaining 'ingenuity' to Danielle was funny. Yes I am ashamed that he sees British girls as illiterate, common and talentless. It's a real shame. But it's Big Brother, not University Challenge. It's not so much a cross-section of society as the dregs from the gutter. Hey ho.
Cleo continues to be cruel and Danielle just spoilt, which is not cute or funny in any way.
Jack gormlessly beating up the ice sculpture just about summed things up. Something pretty: let's shit on it. Dirk looking sadly at the crumbling remains is probably how a lot of people are gonna feel by the weekend.
Dirk explaining 'ingenuity' to Danielle was funny. Yes I am ashamed that he sees British girls as illiterate, common and talentless. It's a real shame. But it's Big Brother, not University Challenge. It's not so much a cross-section of society as the dregs from the gutter. Hey ho.
Cleo continues to be cruel and Danielle just spoilt, which is not cute or funny in any way.
Jack gormlessly beating up the ice sculpture just about summed things up. Something pretty: let's shit on it. Dirk looking sadly at the crumbling remains is probably how a lot of people are gonna feel by the weekend.
Wednesday, 24 January 2007
Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Ian's £10 donation to Charity
Why is the last mile the hardest mile? People are making bad choices at the last minute. Shilpa nominated Dirk instead of her real enemies. Ian inexplicably got votes BEFORE his £10 to charity stunt. There's altruistic and just plain whack.
On the other end of the cunt-scale we have Jo who enjoys taunting Dirk. Not a good thing to admit at this stage of proceedings. I can't even remember who's up for eviction; a variety of people whom Big Brother have decreed suitable, some goodies, some baddies. Jack 'what does unappealing mean?' (answer, your girlfriend) and Danielle 'I washed up once two weeks ago.' have both got golden tickets to the final. How can this be just? It aint.
We saw another side to Jermaine tonight, a side determined to get his showgirl shoes. The intensity in his eyes was real. And why not? Did Dirk deliberately fuck it up for Jo? I'd say so.
CAN Dirk win despite his depression now Shilpa's teflon is flaking at the edges? Will Jermaine take the cup home to Jermajesty? Or will Ian, whom despite impressive fence-sitting skills still managed to get up people's noses, sneak away with it?
Stay tuned to find aht!
On the other end of the cunt-scale we have Jo who enjoys taunting Dirk. Not a good thing to admit at this stage of proceedings. I can't even remember who's up for eviction; a variety of people whom Big Brother have decreed suitable, some goodies, some baddies. Jack 'what does unappealing mean?' (answer, your girlfriend) and Danielle 'I washed up once two weeks ago.' have both got golden tickets to the final. How can this be just? It aint.
We saw another side to Jermaine tonight, a side determined to get his showgirl shoes. The intensity in his eyes was real. And why not? Did Dirk deliberately fuck it up for Jo? I'd say so.
CAN Dirk win despite his depression now Shilpa's teflon is flaking at the edges? Will Jermaine take the cup home to Jermajesty? Or will Ian, whom despite impressive fence-sitting skills still managed to get up people's noses, sneak away with it?
Stay tuned to find aht!
Bright Eyes- The Four Winds EP
Not out until March, this has already leaked onto some bitchy little website my boyfriend goes on. Normally I'm not one to download things before they come out (I'm a bit anal like that) but March?! I'm not waiting that long.
So I downloaded it. And yes, I shall purchase, because I purchase every scrap Conor (or Mozza) throws out there. Other people have to prove their mettle. These don't.
1. Four Winds.
I had already heard Four Winds, I have a live version from the Bonnaroo festival. I have also heard a song off the new album 'Soul Singer in a Session band' which is very much of this ilk. The country-folk ilk. Which is OK.
Listen: I'm Wide Awake It's Morning has three of my very favourite songs on it; We Are Nowhere, Old Soul Song and Road to Joy. They are moving and gorgeous. But Digital Ash has SEVEN of my favourite songs on it. Digital Ash is an amazing album: not the electronic beepy, unlistenable techno direction people would lie to you about. The strings on 'I Believe in Symmetry' are unbelievable. This album had more soul than any Bright Eyes album. Truly, the lyrics mean everything to me, and the tunes are just beautiful. It doesn't need a harmonica. True it didn't need the baby crying sound effects, but you know what he's like. He likes to subvert a little.
Anyhoo, I digress. Four Winds is 'Wide Awake' territory. Un-subverting. Conor seems to have embraced his country side, which is a shame as he'll be OLD for a long time! He can sit on a bale of hay when he's fifty! Conor, you're the same age as me. I want more songs about childhood memories, drugs, broken hearts, parties, cars, dead relatives. I don't like trumpets. I do like folky stuff. I like some folky stuff. But I prefer beats. I prefer ROCK if anything. Nothing beats a Conor out-of-tune scream. See: A Line Allows Progress... See: No Lies, Just Love. Do MANIC DEPRESSION. Do raw anger. Don't do sitting on your rocking chair in your porch. Or not as much, anyway. Please...?
Actually, I quite like Four Winds. It's quite catchy. But it doesn't MEAN much. I sat salivating downloading this EP because Conor MEANS everything. He is bigger than an entire genre of music. He means as much as Morrissey to me and my boyfriend. He held together a large part of our relationship. We love him. Whatever he does, we'll love him.
2. Reinvent the Wheel
Perhaps I'll actually review this track rather than just rambling uncontrollably about his back catalogue and my relationship. This is my favourite song off the EP and even this has a fucking harmonica in it. Don't hate on me, I like Rilo Kiley! I like folky stuff. But Christ. I get the idea.
However, this song is also very poppy, almost a bit 80s in feel in parts. The lyrics seem to have some meaning. I can see this being a big grower. Thank God! A good Bright Eyes song is like a best friend, you know you can turn to it again and again. It means something. It's continuously relevant. That's what I hope about this song. Although it's a bit short!
3. Smoke Without Fire
This sounds like Conor doing an impression of some old cowboy. Conor is not an old cowboy. He's a precocious, slightly jug-eared indie boy. Therefore I can't believe in it. I also hate all of his guest singers. All of them! I won't be swayed. Next!
4. Stray Dog Freedom
'Let's have a nice clean cut. Like a bag we buy and divvy up'. Perhaps an idea not to nick lyrics from songs that are better than this one for the title. Because I just start thinking about how good that song is, and I can't think about anything else. The guitar in this song is just AWFUL. I call it a 'wank guitar'. My boyfriend called it a '70s guitar'. I could tell he was none too impressed either. God that guitar is really bad. This song is really long as well. Why go backwards? Go forwards, Conor! No really. GO.
5. Cartoon Blues
Aha... I think we may have another grower on our hands. This is fast-paced, reminding me a little of 'The Calendar Hung itself...' I wasn't sure at first but I've listened to it three times now and it's getting warmer... do i like the weird robot/child/cartoon voice backing vocals? Yeah why not. At least it's not an effing harmonica.
6. Tourist Trap
This is one of those dreary Bright Eyes songs that my boyfriend likes, the ones that sound more like Death Cab For Cutie. What is the most overrated Bright Eyes song of all time? First day of My Life, of course. It's too easy. Just work for it a little more. He's going on about dogs again. What is it with the dogs? Who cares! he's chewing a bit of straw again. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
So how dare I complain? Six tracks, two months early, great quality. I will complain because it is my human right! And I am a bitch!
I love it really. I will play all these tracks until my last.fm explodes.
I can't hide it. I love Bright Eyes. I'd listen to him read a shopping list if he did it in a cute little whiny voice. I can't wait for the album. I can't wait to see them live again. This is a good year. Just give me one little track with beats, Conor! Go hang out with The Faint or something. Please?
So I downloaded it. And yes, I shall purchase, because I purchase every scrap Conor (or Mozza) throws out there. Other people have to prove their mettle. These don't.
1. Four Winds.
I had already heard Four Winds, I have a live version from the Bonnaroo festival. I have also heard a song off the new album 'Soul Singer in a Session band' which is very much of this ilk. The country-folk ilk. Which is OK.
Listen: I'm Wide Awake It's Morning has three of my very favourite songs on it; We Are Nowhere, Old Soul Song and Road to Joy. They are moving and gorgeous. But Digital Ash has SEVEN of my favourite songs on it. Digital Ash is an amazing album: not the electronic beepy, unlistenable techno direction people would lie to you about. The strings on 'I Believe in Symmetry' are unbelievable. This album had more soul than any Bright Eyes album. Truly, the lyrics mean everything to me, and the tunes are just beautiful. It doesn't need a harmonica. True it didn't need the baby crying sound effects, but you know what he's like. He likes to subvert a little.
Anyhoo, I digress. Four Winds is 'Wide Awake' territory. Un-subverting. Conor seems to have embraced his country side, which is a shame as he'll be OLD for a long time! He can sit on a bale of hay when he's fifty! Conor, you're the same age as me. I want more songs about childhood memories, drugs, broken hearts, parties, cars, dead relatives. I don't like trumpets. I do like folky stuff. I like some folky stuff. But I prefer beats. I prefer ROCK if anything. Nothing beats a Conor out-of-tune scream. See: A Line Allows Progress... See: No Lies, Just Love. Do MANIC DEPRESSION. Do raw anger. Don't do sitting on your rocking chair in your porch. Or not as much, anyway. Please...?
Actually, I quite like Four Winds. It's quite catchy. But it doesn't MEAN much. I sat salivating downloading this EP because Conor MEANS everything. He is bigger than an entire genre of music. He means as much as Morrissey to me and my boyfriend. He held together a large part of our relationship. We love him. Whatever he does, we'll love him.
2. Reinvent the Wheel
Perhaps I'll actually review this track rather than just rambling uncontrollably about his back catalogue and my relationship. This is my favourite song off the EP and even this has a fucking harmonica in it. Don't hate on me, I like Rilo Kiley! I like folky stuff. But Christ. I get the idea.
However, this song is also very poppy, almost a bit 80s in feel in parts. The lyrics seem to have some meaning. I can see this being a big grower. Thank God! A good Bright Eyes song is like a best friend, you know you can turn to it again and again. It means something. It's continuously relevant. That's what I hope about this song. Although it's a bit short!
3. Smoke Without Fire
This sounds like Conor doing an impression of some old cowboy. Conor is not an old cowboy. He's a precocious, slightly jug-eared indie boy. Therefore I can't believe in it. I also hate all of his guest singers. All of them! I won't be swayed. Next!
4. Stray Dog Freedom
'Let's have a nice clean cut. Like a bag we buy and divvy up'. Perhaps an idea not to nick lyrics from songs that are better than this one for the title. Because I just start thinking about how good that song is, and I can't think about anything else. The guitar in this song is just AWFUL. I call it a 'wank guitar'. My boyfriend called it a '70s guitar'. I could tell he was none too impressed either. God that guitar is really bad. This song is really long as well. Why go backwards? Go forwards, Conor! No really. GO.
5. Cartoon Blues
Aha... I think we may have another grower on our hands. This is fast-paced, reminding me a little of 'The Calendar Hung itself...' I wasn't sure at first but I've listened to it three times now and it's getting warmer... do i like the weird robot/child/cartoon voice backing vocals? Yeah why not. At least it's not an effing harmonica.
6. Tourist Trap
This is one of those dreary Bright Eyes songs that my boyfriend likes, the ones that sound more like Death Cab For Cutie. What is the most overrated Bright Eyes song of all time? First day of My Life, of course. It's too easy. Just work for it a little more. He's going on about dogs again. What is it with the dogs? Who cares! he's chewing a bit of straw again. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
So how dare I complain? Six tracks, two months early, great quality. I will complain because it is my human right! And I am a bitch!
I love it really. I will play all these tracks until my last.fm explodes.
I can't hide it. I love Bright Eyes. I'd listen to him read a shopping list if he did it in a cute little whiny voice. I can't wait for the album. I can't wait to see them live again. This is a good year. Just give me one little track with beats, Conor! Go hang out with The Faint or something. Please?
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