Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Victim blame game

Oh no, so much airtime for Saira tonight by the looks of things. She's annoying! Show me more Frankie! I put a fiver on Frankie today at 22/1. Call me crazy if you will.
Renee is the Michael Jordan of giving blowjobs. How is that ascertained? Sounded like she was changing a lightbulb from her description of it.
Nice try, Lewis, Marnie wants a bit of Bovey, not your 90s-curtained arse. Him touching her hair and taking about her lack of make up. Subtle as a brick.
Saira wants to teach life skills - aka being a skivvy - to Marnie.
Biggins is confident about pulling off nominating someone by singing 'simply the best to them'.
What is Heavy D wearing? A Hawaiian shirt TWO PIECE. BOOM! He's pleased he's got immunity. I'm not.
Saira busting out 'say it to my face.' To Bear: 'You find pleasure in hurting people?' Bear: 'I find it quite funny.' Saira wants everyone to be like her. She wants 15 Sairas in the house. It's quite rude to ask someone if they've ever punched someone or if they're violent, I think. Also, they might start with you.
Marnie and Bear are teaming up as victim of Saira's one-woman interregateathon. In the DR she's saying she's got the vibe that Marnie and Bear hate her, yet she still wants to go on endlessly at them. WHY.
Frankie's looking a little haggard today as they reveal the task to Biggins. I like the way he handled it. I still suspect he knew all along.
Ooh, new task. SHITSTIR. Renee is exempt on medical reasons. Let's hope she's not got David Gest-itis. Game of phones: see what they did there? They're obsessed with phone booths on BBUS and BBUK. Gunge! I can't be bothered to go through all the questions, but Frankie got gunked, so what more do you want? Although Aubrey had her dog's sperm frozen 'after jacking him off'. WHAT? 'My gay hairdresser did it, it was so fierce.' WHAT THE FUCK.
Saira and Marco: joint hall pass holders/givers. God, I miss Marco. Still reading his tweets on a weekly basis sustains me. Saira is 'now having good sex'. Bet she's not.
Fraubrey are in the diary room (Frankie and Aubrey). I'm putting Frankie's black and yellow leaf jumper on the chic list. They are perving over Bear. Bear not even cute with his mouth shut. Frankie on Bear: 'I think he swings both ways.' LOL.
Saira is attention seeking, bemoaning that she always tells it like it is. Ha to Saira telling Heavy D to exercise more! How fucking rude. Let it be noted that Saira created this row if it kicks off.
Ha to Saira saying she 'doesn't talk down to people'. NOT MUCH. Ha, they are all confronting her.
They are sitting round the table, they haven't got her by the throat behind the bike sheds.
I think Bear is right that Saira WAS trying to trick Beat into looking bad. What he said wasn't out of context. It was the exact same context as it was this morning. Saira: 'I don't think you need me to make you look bad.' That was rude.
Heavy D was not in anyway 'threatening or aggressive.' She's only saying that because of his size. Neither Bear nor Heavy D were aggressive (t.m. Daley). In fact the most aggressive person in that conversation was Saira. Saira is victimising herself here. Implying Bear might punch her was quite a stretch.
Saira: 'I've been through more shit than you can imagine.' Ugh. You don't know what anyone has been through, shut up.  Then she goes to the DR to cry.
Renee: 'Of course as a man you belt people.' Ha! She won't go out with a man who won't punch someone. Weird.
Saira thinks Bear is an 'aggressive, violent person.' Where did she get that from? She's mental. She's reading things into people that aren't there.
Aw, Heavy trying to make amends with Saira. She's so ungracious. I hate people who can't accept apologies. I don't think Marnie is helping this situation either, yapping off. Marnie is half attractive, half Michael Jackson. Her face looks rubbery, she looks botoxed to fuck and her nose is weird. Her old face looks like it was probably nice, though.
Saira is playing the old card, and the mother card now. How dare she tell Marnie she's different when she has a drink. Tough shit. Marnie has been perfectly reasonable here an Saira has acted like the nutty bat that she is.
I love Renee saying 'what could you argue with Bear about? He's a young goofy prick.' LOL.
Why would you bet Marnie to say she's got better boobs to Saira when you know Saira is wound up anyway?
Oh shit! When Marnie waved her boobs in Saira's face! Not the smartest move after tonight's row. I feel like that was sexually intimidating or something? I wouldn't like someone waving their boobs in my face. I'm sure most men would, but that's different. That made me not like her very much at all. Something a bit sinister and mean about that.
I really wish Saira wasn't immune. However, I think she may follow Brian Belo over the wall, or John James out the fire exit.

Celebrity Big Brother Uk 2016: Monday big spoon, Tuesday little spoon

Bums vs ballbags

When did Christopher Biggins just become 'Biggins'? Why did it look like Chloe Mafia was feeding Heavy D mini eggs out of her hand on the LF? Who's the bluntest out of James, Saira and Marnie? None of these questions are answered in tonight's blog.
Bear has got the hump about wardrobe space. Saira is calling him 'Stephen' like a mum. 'Let's all have a line each' - it's not the first time he's said that, I bet. He is being a total dick (comedowns are a bitch) but Saira is sooooo bugging. I can't deal with her.
That boom thing isn't going to become annoying, is it? BOOM!
Renee got MRSA from having her arse deformed. There's a lesson in there somewhere. It's weird the way Renee called it 'MURSUR', isn't it? Like she can't be bothered to pronounce initials. Aubrey had a good old feel of it, too. Jeremy from Baywatch couldn't get away with that shit.
I love Bear calling Fatboy by his proper name, Fatboy. (Thanks to the guy who nicked this joke off me on Twitter without retweeting, I know it was funny, but really?). 'He keeps doing things, like getting the batteries... he's a snide!' Sounds like Callum on the eco bikes. I love him describing Frankie as 'the other fella who did the silly dancing in the garden.' Then goes: 'He's done my eyedrops, hasn't he.' Bear doesn't like Frankie stealing his eyedrops. I do think that's a hygiene risk. 'I get a bit funny with my eyedrops, I've got three with me.' This guy has OCD. 'Chloe, old big tits.' Charmed, I'm sure. Bear is putting everyone on blast. He doesn't want to go out for drinks with Grant after one night: 'give it a week, play it cool then we can start organising trips to the zoo.' On James: 'Don't tell me to keep it down, we haven't got neighbours.' Will no one think of the workers at Tesco in Borehamwood? It's a party house, I'm partying.' OK, this guy is going to be good value. He hates EVERYONE! Yes.
Frankie doesn't know about the sexist institution of Page 3. Let it stay that way.
Saira is trying to put her own personality onto Marnie in revenge from vibrator gate. Good luck. She's soooo patronising she makes Andy West look laid back. Marnie seems to KNOW HERSELF so leave her be.
Biggins is doing a classic shitstir task, calling Bear and Lewis the two least talented. He called Frankie egotistic. Marnie and Heavy D trashiest. Most iconic: Sam Fox.
Saira and James 'Muslim' chats set my teeth on edge. Saira is clutching the rulebook. Just don't talk about religion FFS. Although I suppose it's more interesting than people's boobs 'accidentally' falling out. I agree with James that people don't need religion to act decently, but at the same time acting decently is respecting other's beliefs, whether you agree or not, so it's a two way street.
Can't wait to see Frankie's presentation 'Ten things I love about me.' Pantomime horse punishment: lazy. Mob wife is boohooing about doing drugs. Marco's sex chamber has been renamed the Sam Fox suite.
Frankie is rapping about how wonderful he is. Classic. James looks SO pissed off. I like the fact Frankie just went on and on. I think he kind of revels in people hating him. He's definitely being entertaining. I saw his Twitter bio says 'social media mogul' and 'shine bright like a me' on it, which made me laugh.
Marnie saying Lewis is handsome. Slim pickings or what. She does fancy Grant but won't admit it.
Cheryl put Katie on blast in her autobiography. Saira: 'Cheryl is the nations sweetheart.' No, she's a racist mingebag who beat up Auntie. Speak for yourself!
Biggins has to spill a drink over the housemate he wants to nominate. Haha. Good one. He drenched Lewis, lol.
Renee saying Lewis acts like a dick and is over-confident. True. Renee is discussing nominations with Aubrey. BLATANT. They probably think Biggins is the most famous man in England.
Marnie quizzing Grant about Anthea. She's very blunt! 'Did you love her? How long were you with her? Did you get bored? Do you like the young 'uns' ie. me? Marnie doesn't know who Anthea Turner is. That makes me feel ancient.
I saw this 'do you like getting spooned' bit on the LF. Grant is like a lamb to the slaughter! I don't think he's flirting. I think he probably thinks Marnie's on a task but his old fanny rat spidey-senses are tingling and he can't resist.
I think he thought 'getting spooned' meant something else. Wednesday: night off. 'Cool, man.' But he did say 'I'll think about big spoon/ little spoon.' Blatant come on.
Grant apparently looks like Kevin Spacey and and he's sexy. Neither of these are true!
Heavy D fancies Chloe and wants to get in there quick as 'there's a shark about'. Who's that? Ha, him showing off his 'Ferrari' and 'sun' tattoos was one of the most pitiful things I've ever seen on TV. I'm hoping her standards are low as he was bragging about making his pants last five days earlier.
Did I really need to see Frankie's ballbag? His arse was actually alright but the nutsack was a step too far.
The show ended on a low with Bear talking shit in the pool. A change from taking a shit in the woods, I guess.

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Pot stirrers

I still can't get my head around 'internet sensation' Frankie Grande being in the Big Brother UK house. I admit, it's freaking me the fuck out. I liked Saira saying he's got camel toe and him saying it's called 'moose knuckle.' Haaaa.
I loved Saira saying 'What you doing now?' to Fatboy and him going 'This!' Too funny.
Wow, Renee's arse. What can you say? It's like two bull mastiffs being drowned in a bin bag in the canal.
Ha to Marnie saying 'you're like my twin' to Renee. Evil twin! Apparently James Whale is OK but that remains to be seen.
Aubrey is the biggest shrug for me so far. WHO IS SHE? Shit, I realised I never saw the live feed last night cos my stupid TV didn't tape it. I need to rectify that situation.
Ha to Frankie saying this Bear freak is hot. He's really not. This TOWIE one, Lewis, may be worse. Couldn't they have put a sexy guy in there for us ladies?
Biggins name dropping Liza Minelli, ha. I prefer Lasagne Minelli.
What does Biggins know about what women do and don't like in bed! I bet I give a better blowjob that that old fart. Fuck him. Frankie going 'that's true' that men give better blowjobs than women. Biggins and Frankie have never slept with a girl! I wouldn't comment on gay sex and what goes on, so why do they disparage women like that? Do 'a lot of women' not give blowjobs? Maybe Saira Khan.
Ha to Marnie flirting with Grant Bovey and him refering to himself in the third person. I liked it when he said he was 72 and she basically believed him. Grant Bovey looks like Darren Day left in vinegar for a season or two.
James deflecting racism by saying he's the judge of the British curry awards. Saira is like the new Perez, quizzing everyone.
Renee talking about 'Middle Easterns getting guns' - eek. James: 'Every religion believes in an imaginary friend.' True! I think he might have some interesting things to say but he's gonna rub people up the wrong way so badly, he's never going to get to say them.
Frankie straight in with the single bed, LOL. How to make friends and influence people. CLAIMED! Then agreeing to share with Lewis, haha. Frankie is probably shocked a straight guy would share a bed with him. He's not au fait with the mantub and British culture of being a bit queer, basically.
Saira is missing her kids. IT'S THE FIRST NIGHT! (Oh hang on, I didn't spot that she was gameplanning here)
'DBAC: don't be a cunt will get you through life.' says one of the biggest cunts in the house, ie. Heavy D. He's no Gary Busey, is he?
Frankie is plotting, scheming and strategising already. Yes! Frankie needs to create a new Bomb Squad alliance against Biggins.
James wants a 'Loose Men' show. Can't we just scrap Loose Women if we're trying to equal things up? Let's not give the meninists a platform. I have enough of those cunts on Twitter.
Ugh please no Marnie/ Lewis showmance. 'I'll be in the diary room with the girls for 3 and a half minutes.' Charming!
OMG James: 'She thinks I'm a racist.' to Saira. Haha. So much has happened in the past 15 minutes. I can't keep up. Saira: 'If you're a racist, that's absolutely fine.' What?!
Biggins is having to nomate someone by kissing them on the lips, and the other housemates are in on it. I kinda like Biggins' dressing gown. Should they be making him kiss people on the lips, especially a 'big sloppy kiss'? Sexual harrassment (just ask Frank Eudy)!
Frankie and Katie singing Spice Girls to get nommed was amazing! Great strategy. Aubrey shouldn't be asking Biggins directly for a kiss, that's shady. I think Biggins is onto it. He watches the show and probably heard them scream when he was in the DR.
I love Marnie asking Saira if she was going to have sex and asking her if she brought a vibrator in. Saira: 'I'm married, I don't do sex.' What did Marnie say to make James walk off? Something about ice cream!
OMG to Marnie asking Saira if she's ever masturbated. Saira looked disgusted! There's a bit of a social and cultural clash there. I think Marnie was drunk. though.
OMG so much is happening I can't keep up. This is magic!
Ooh Saira's face when Biggins nommed her! But I think he nommed her because she was upset about her kids, so it's her own fault (I only realised she did it for strategy later).
Lewis in his Y-fronts in the pool. Yuck. But not as yuck as Heavy D.
Ah so Saira was faking it about her kids! True gamer. I have new-found respect for her now. I should have twigged that sooner. Haha, Bear and Heavy D are annoyed at her playing the game. LOVE IT!
I only just noticed Bear's neck tattoo that said 'be the best' and then Saira told him to 'be the best.' She's literally using his neck as a cue card.
Bear to Renee: 'Do you smoke?' Her: 'Pot?' LOL. Now that's a Big Brother I'd like to see. They are still awake at 5am! You can hear the birds tweeting.
OMG that episode went SO FAST! It might be due to the half bottle of wine I drank? Not too sure. MUCH improved on last night, I can see fights and controversy coming from ALL ANGLES. Bring it!

Celebrity Big Brother 2016 Launch: Glitter bugging

Battle of the cocks.

Jesus, Emma actually looks good. Double Jesus, they're really putting Frankie fucking Grande in there. Scott Hudson must be apoplectic.
They have painted the house GOLD because they are CELEBS. Have they fucking hoovered, and to Jason's (yes he won it two days ago, remember?) exact EU specifications? 
First up, Christopher Biggins. Kind of feels like he's already been in there, but I know that's cross-pollination from the jungle. You shouldn't be allowed to go on CBB if you've been in the jungle, or vice versa, IMO. That's my reality rule. Who's gonna be top gay dog, Biggins or Grande?
Oh they've brought back Marcus telling us about each housemate. I hope they've tidied up the house cos the last lot left it like utter tramps.
Oh God, not another Loose Woman. Saira Khan. She seems like one of the less objectionable ones, but that's like being one of the least objectionable Nazis. They must be running out of Loose Women to put in. They need to start genetically modifying them.
Frankie Grande; well, he was on a season of BBUS, BB16 if you want to watch (and you should). He's Ariana Grande's brother, don't you know? If not, he'll tell you a billion times. He's also a known cunt. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A FRANKIE! Catchphrase alert. I don't really know what to say about Frankie. You'll see. Ha, my friend Dawn said she read something about Frankie and gang rape. I think that's when he said the Zingbot was going to fuck someone, but I can't remember who it was. Christine? I digress. PROPS! But what about that time he won the Battle of the Block single-handedly? That was the best. Now I just want to mention Derrick Lavasseur and Cody and Zach and Caleb but it means NOTHING to anyone, so I'll just shh. But UK people should really watch BBUS, it's fuckin' amazing.
Next up is Fatboy aka Ricky. What did he do to get in the press (in a bad way)? I always liked Fatboy in Eastenders. He was one of the only likeable things in it.
Renee. 'Who doesn't fucking like to swear, it sounds better!' Yes! OMG she's a Mafia wife who's husband because a cocksucker. I think she's threatening to kill people in her VT. Strong VT game. She's going to be good value, I can tell.
Ugh someone off Geordie Shore, Marnie: just shoot me. They all TALK THE SAME. She's bisexual and 'quite classy'. Is that relative to the human race, or the Geordie Shore cast? Mind you, she'll have to stoop pretty low to reach the level of half-human half-dog previous CBB winner and shitty sheet merchant Scotty T.
Next in is James someone, I have no clue. A broadcaster? I have never seen him before in my life. Apparently he saved someone from suicide on air, but he's just coming off a a sexist twat. He's 'not going into the house to have people shouting at him and saying ridiculous things.' Where do you normally go? He's got first boot/ ejected written all over him. 'Please vote me out soon.' Ha. The new Ron Atkinson.
Next in is Aubrey someone from some band I've never heard of. She's 32 so she gets botox. OK. She doesn't want to see Donald Trump in the house. I don't think Endemol has that much clout. She wants to be 'stimulated' by her housemates. Well they all seem gay or old so far, so good luck. NO MALE HOTTIES.
Next is someone from Ex on the Beach called Bear. He looks like a little tit. He's famous for 'kissing all the birds.' He's not the 'cleverest'. He believes the 'world is flat.' Bring back Tila Tequila! I LOVED it when he said 'lump all your money on me to win at 12/1.' Hilarity. Why is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt? He's milking it somewhat. He's a mighty douche.
Next in is Katie Waissel from X Factor. That was soooo long ago. Is she really a celeb? Having said that, she'll probably be OK, I'd imagine she has a screw loose. But she's married now so may be boring.
Next is Lewis from TOWIE. Geordie Shore, Ex on the Beach and TOWIE? You're spoiling us! Ugh. Talking about 'nicking a bird.' God, look at the state of this guy. I'm actually feeling sorry for Frankie Grande at this point. How is he going to understand these people? I'm not sure I can. Emma has to put up with too much sexual harrassment in her role as host! Justice for Emma.
OMG Grant Bovey! MONEY. He's looking like Darren Day. Rats and snakes take the same form. I wanna see Grant Bovey and Frankie either butt heads or make toast. Grant Bovey is one of those people you can't just call Grant, it has to be Grant Bovey. He stroked Frankie Grande's scales. OMG. I liked him asking everyone if they 'know what they're doing.' I doubt it.
Chloe Khan is a Playboy playmate and was also on X Factor. Join the club. Slug lips, annoying voice. I like 'If you don't get booed you must be ugly anyway.' Good reverse psychology. But then she got cheered! Mindgames.
Next in is someone off Storage Hunters called Heavy D (I think, I stopped concentrating at this point). This is a barrel scrape. What next, someone off Homes Under the Hammer? His lime green ice cream print suit is something else. Spectacular. He seems ANNOYING AS FUCK. He's deffo gonna clash with Biggins.  I can see him sizing him up already.
Final housemate is Sam Fox. She KNOWS HERSELF. She looks good, if a bit like Sharon off Eastenders. I reckon she's gonna team up with Biggins. Watch this space.
Is that it? Hmm, who can I root for? Mafia woman, Frankie Grande... shit. I'm going to have to root for Frankie Grande. FUCK. Jesus save me.
Oooh secret Head of Household. Frankie, please. I just voted for him on the app. 'You tube sensation'. Bhahahaa. He's a social media mogul!
I like the way they're deciding on the 'secret boss' during the silent disco. Hilarious. OMG it's Biggins. WHY! Was cool the way they did that, I liked it. I also like Biggins rainbow/animal print striped shirt. Him and Henry are gonna have some serious BEEF!
OMG they're telling all the other housemates! They have to wind Biggins up to get nominated! OMG it's actually a good twist. BUT THE REAL TASK IS becomes decent! I can't believe it. A good first night twist. I mean, the housemates are shit. But a good twist. It's a start, isn't it.

Big Brother UK 2016: Hughie goes? (Fuck) you (who) decide(d)

Soz for brevity, I'm on the iPad again. Emma looks like Miss Haversham. Why so dowdy? Why is Evelyn getting booed? Oh because she's a woman. Hughie cheers! Yes! I'm voting Hughie. Jackson got cheers too. 

Where is Marco/ Andrew and the twins? I miss when the old housemates used to strut down the stage. I guess there's too many now. 

Jason has smiled more in the past 6 weeks than he has in the past few years. He should tell his face. 

Why are they bothering to 'interview' Sam and Alex? Who gives a fuck. 'No ones seen us.' Cos you're shit. Alex getting lightly grilled on Evelyn. 'Mugging a bird off'. Charming. You did, by the way, mug her off. Hope the funeral eulogy is worth it. Also, those shoes. 

Bet the two women go in the two by two eviction. I knew it! Jayne and Evelyn both look lovely. Four men in the final! That is some bullshit. Sexist dicks. At least people didn't boo when they came out. I think. 

Emma's like 'there there ladies for making it to the final'. 5th and 6th place. Not that great, is it? Jayne and Nikki need a spin off show. 

Emma is not letting Evelyn speak. Evelyn still thinks Alex is genuine. Seriously. Did they ever even snog? Ah, Jayne's best bits were good. Top DRs. 

OMG I wish I'd voted for Andy now. He didn't deserve to go out in fourth. CHVRCHES for his eviction song. Cool. How did Jackson and Jason get more votes? Will no one think of Lateysha? 

Emma: 'There's half a percent between the top two.' That old chestnut!

Andy missed high brow conversations in the house, like that time he was in that lift with Lady Gaga. What a snob. I note the rat is there to greet him. 

Hughie looks orange, Jackson looks 80s and Jason looks like he's going to a wedding. 

Omg Jackson out next. Imagine if Jason wins? Emma says there's half a percent in it. Do you believe her? I've voted twice. Don't think I can do much more. 

In a way I half admire Jackson's 'extra an mid-80s Madonna video' style. Georgina looks ropey, to be honest. I like the way Jackson spoke about her. Even if it's just magazine-deal-itis, it's nice to ha someone speak about you like that (I'd imagine). 

Seriously, how did Jason win! Hughie would have been SUCH a good winner. Would have been so fun. He's such a lush person. He was ROBBED! Sooooo depressing. 

Hughie: 'If I'm honest, I don't think one person thought he was going to win.' Haaaa! 

Aw Ryan. Ha, his tattoo. Lol. Omg when Hughie said he wanted to make a go of it with Ryan I cried. I haven't felt this optimistic about a BB showmance since Steph and Jeremy. Oh...

Your winner.... Jason! All that gameplanning finally paid off. Has anyone taken a look at Charlie's phone bill? So the lesson here is steal 20k off people and you win? What's the moral of that story? Who actually voted for Jason? Was it Chelsea? It's like Brexit all over again: it makes NO FUCKING SENSE. 

We never, ever get the winner we deserve. 

PS: Big Brother Bile is on hiatus but enjoy FRANKIE GRANDE in the Big Brother house. We've got podcasts galore about that cunt. It's been a shit 2016 and so far, this has been the icing on the cake (Jason winning, not Frankie Grande, who I'm sure I'll enjoy seeing befriending Biggins.) 

I'll be back when I've got a new laptop. Cheers for reading. 

Big Brother UK 2016: To our fallen brothers

Please forgive any typos, I am currently laptopless so writing this on my iPad. It's not been the best month for BB-related output from me, but you can't say I'm not trying. 

So the two least deserving go tonight to zero crowd. Who will it be? Sam is obviously a shoe in followed by Evelyn. Who else? I would LOVE to see Alex go. I can't see Andy, Jason or Jackson going as I think they must all have fanbases of a sort. 

Zoltar! A twisted carnival. Good grief at Jackson naked with his bits out. Hairy arse and scraggy pubes. Still I rewound it. Alex saying something sexist about knocking shops, groo. He is so vile. If a woman behaved the way he does she'd be burnt at the the stake. 

Jackson is consulting Zoltar. OMG that's how they're going to evict them, isn't it. Yesssss! 

Jason pretending he's learnt about Hughie's lifestyle, especially after the DR roasting Hughie's gave Jason. Is that the lifestyle of bisexuality or being a traveller? Great gaming, Jason. 

I like the outfits for this task, the striped t-shirts and braces. They look cute. Jayne thinks Andy has an amazing aura. I like the Andy and Jayne friendship, even though it came out of nowhere. 

Zoltar sounds like Andy. Jackson and Andy are the most memorable housemates. Whyyyyy? Please stop beatboxing. 

Hughie and Jackson are very cosy. I don't see why Jayne was voted least happy with Jason. The Hulk thing was made for his best bits. Along with him smashing the set up yesterday. 

Evelyn looks pissed off with Alex at last. He's on a one man slutshame fest, so caught up in his eulogy planning that he's forgotten how to be a human being. I HATE him. I would pay good morning to see him go out tonight. 

When they called Sam and Alex up and called them the least popular I literally couldn't believe it. 

OMG my prayers have been answered. Idiot general public got it right for once. I am in shock, as were the housemates. Best tweet ever goes to @amcgowan1970 on Twitter for 'At least they've avoided the stress of editing the best bits collection for those two.' Ha! 

Alex: 'I just don't get it.' What don't you get, you entitled piece of shit? You did NOTHING. All the others: 'Is it a joke?' No, the fact you got this far is a joke. I love love love the fact he was beaten by Jayne but ESPECIALLY Evelyn. 

Jason covered in green groo, has come to speak to Big Brother. Andy actually has a nice shirt on. What happened? Andy and Jackson are being a bit smug in the garden. 

They announced they were finalists and Evelyn actually wet herself. LOL. Jackson: 'To all our fallen brothers.' RIP. Especially to Marco and Andrew. 

Could Hughie and Evelyn have showmanced given another month in the house? I like their friendship. 

Jackson is pulling out the journey card. This is a great speech he's doing here. Top class gameplayer. He knows himself! He's been fed, clothed. 'What more can anyone ask for?' 100k? 

Andy and Jason patting themselves on the back for getting to the final. Sigh. 

In a way, I don't mind who wins now. They all deserve it. They've all contributed, be it positively or negatively. It's one of the strongest final sixes I've seen. And I didn't think I'd be saying that two weeks ago. But please, let's make it happen for Hughie. You could see how shocked he was when Alex left. I think he'd be genuinely shocked to win. I have faith in you, my loonies in anoraks. Make it happen. 

Big Brother UK 2016: It's a freak show

Laura was evicted. Why? Because she's a woman. There's no other reason. Because she fucked Marco seven weeks ago. Like WHO CARES? I am so sick of the slut shaming of Laura (AND JAYNE) while Jason mopes round like a cunt and Jackson acts like a twat, and Alex is a mute knobend. Yet it's the women who take the flak EVERY TIME. Ugh.
BB is rulebooking! They need Callum in there on the eco bike. Hughie's bed head is not a good look.
Andy: 'Do you give a fuck about other people or  not? Sorry, I'm in quite a snappy mood.' Ha.
Andy, Hughie is not in his mid 20s. Andy: 'I know he's popular.' Ha, that must stick in his craw. 'I can't wait to see the back of him.' We'll see the back of you first.
Hairdryer wars. Evelyn's stained onesie needs to go on the eek pile.
Jayne can't even 'sit on the bog'. Bog, ha.
Laura's eviction is happening early. Ooh, Sam said 'If you know you're not gonna win it, it's the best time to go' ie. for magazine deals etc.
Evelyn should not have outlasted Laura IMO. I was not a fan of Laura's eviction outfit, but her slutshaming was ridic. Luke Marsden on Twitter going 'she can be the face of a gonorrhoea clinic.' Fuck you, you little goblin. Gonorrhoea doesn't need advertising either.
Sam backpeddling in the DR. Can't wait to see him booted tomoz.
Big Brother's awards ceremony! Saw some of this on the live feed. Looked good.
Ooh Evelyn's arse in the embarrassing moments. Dearie me. 'Putting the ass into embarrassing' lol.
I saw the next bit on the LF. I LOVE them showing Hughie's 'fake and fraud' speech.
Andy vs Hughie! Ding ding ding. Hughie did say that just after Ryan left. Jason: 'Do you still stand by what you said?' Of course he does. Now they all know who the DR warriors are.
Andy: 'You're foul mouthed and immature.' to Hughie. Andy's just gutted cos Hughie and Jayne are better in in the DR than him.
I'm SO happy they showed Alex being sexist and gross about Evelyn. Evelyn: stand up for yourself, please. It could really help you NOT get evicted tomorrow. Alex has the smile of a serial killer.
Andy tackling Jackson: 'Why did my name come into that conversation?' Why not? Andy: 'No big deal.' A bit like 'I'm not storming off.' More disappointment!
Jackson's nervous little high-pitched laugh, ha. Then he was voted house bitch, ha.
I love how Hughie just doesn't give a fuck what Andy says because he just KNOWS HIMSELF. I feel like Hughie knows himself better than Andy.
Why is everyone brown-nosing Alex?! Sam moaning at Hughie for the toothbrush on the floor. That was a task! Bloody great task it was, too. Hughie and Jayne were AMAZING. Andy's like 'I find it quite scary they can turn it on like that.' Jealous, much?
Jason thinks Andy should win cos he's 'proper and right.' Fuck off, you gameplaying twat. Jason doesn't know himself. Andy doesn't. Hughie does. Jason trying to be Hughie to backtrack.
Hughie about Ryan: 'He's not my boyfriend.' LOL.
Jason is sooooooo annoyed at Hughie. I LOVE IT. 'A prick ting to do.' Jason couldn't get Hughie to backtrack and he was FURIOUS haaaa. Jason now digging out Sam. Jason, you can't change the perception of everyone, because YOU ARE THOSE THINGS.
Jason: 'You're unobviously intelligent' to Hughie. Haaaaa. 'You shut up.' Classic.
Andy: 'I don't know what I think instantly.' You're fake then! You shouldn't be calculating your opinion, fucking workshopping it for the crowd. It's not an opinion poll. It's not a focus group. Fuck you.
Andy is creaming his knickers about winning the most deserving award. Yeah, it's right up there with Rylan's farewell fangs, you cunt. You'd rather win that than win? Well it's your lucky day Andy. Enjoy coming third.

Big Brother UK 2016: You're the king of chatting shit

Today is Sam's birthday. Sam who? Indeed. When he was 13 back in 1975 he dreamt of being on Big Brother, which didn't even exist then. Nostradamus. It was nice to see him smile in the DR, though. I never see him smile, just his perma-furrowed prematurely-aged brow. I thought the haircut he gave to Jason was good, though. I'd put it in the top 10 best BB haircuts.
Laura to Evelyn: 'Did anything else happen other than kissing.' No belts were put around necks, Laura. Even kissing didn't happen. Embarrassing. Evelyn is coming off seriously desperate at this point.
Final nominations! Woo. Apparently there's a twist. I hope it's something useful and not dumb. 
Laura and Evelyn want Hughie to win and NOT Jackson. Agree.
'Hughie has cast Jackson in his fictional aftershave advert.' Those are the words I've been waiting to hear. SWASH! (That's for Nic)
Vinnie Jones - sorry, Jason - is making roast potatoes for all of his housemates (on nomination day).
I love Laura and Evelyn talking alliances, describing themselves as a threat and saying they've 'sussed Jackson out.'
I don't like the fact we have to watch the face to face noms WITH the housemates. We should see them first!
Laura nommed Alex (yes) and Jackson (double yes). They both took it well.
OMG Jackson nominated JASON (for eviction Lateysha). This is going to go down like Ryan after a fish guts bender. He also nommed Evelyn! Pointless. Waste of a vote. I like her red lipstick, though.
Sam nommed Jason (after cutting his hair, too!) I'm glad the Lateysha backlash is here. And Laura for talking about him once.
Evelyn is admiring the way she looks in the DR. Good to be confident, isn't it? She nommed Jackson and Jason. Jackson did not take it too well. I wonder if Alex minds being called 'Evelyn's boyfriend.' Evelyn: 'I can nominate whoever I like.' Damn right. Jackson: 'Who you talking to like that?' You, you div.
Jason nommed Jayne and Laura. No one is nomming Hughie! Yay. Alex nommed Laura and Jayne. Jayne is peed off.
Jayne nommed Jason (for being sullen) and Jackson for being ageist. Jayne looks good tonight, a bit tanned.
Hughie nommed Jason and Andy. Woah, Andy's first nomination this week. Insane. Andy nommed Laura for 'mixing drinks into fishbowls' and Hughie 'for making him feel uncomfortable, sad and lonely.' Hughie agrees with the nom. Laura is mad about fishbowl noms.
Up is: Jason, Laura, Jackson and Jayne. But there's a twist! One of the housemates will be saved. How? They're not telling us.
Jason: 'I'll talk to you later' to Jackson. 'I'm fuming.' Jackson doesn't want to stand for this. I'm glad Jackson nommed him. Jackson: 'I'm genuinely scared.' Haha. Gangster pussy.
Evelyn's arse-crack is eating her swimming costume. Laura is crying at the thought of being booed on Friday. Bit dramatic. Is it vote to evict? Jason will go.
Haha Jason is 'disappointed' in Jackson. It's like he's drafting the emotional blackmail handbook.
Evelyn on the idiot general public to Laura: 'They're nothing. You're never going to see them again.' Correct. Just like Bernardo.
Jayne has a good body, you know. Her arse is decent.
Jackson finds something 'an ickle bit strange.' I don't like him saying 'shut the fuck up' to Evelyn. Rude. Oh no, Jason agreed with me. I take that back.
Evelyn: 'You're the king of chatting shit' to Jackson. Haaaaa. Seems like Jackson has been caught out to me, and I've forgotten what they're even arguing about.
Hughie crying in the DR, aw. He's a bit lost without Ryan. He's 'drained to death by the same conversations.' ME TOO!
Sam is right, Jason feels soooooo sorry for himself. You won 20K. Fuck you.
Jayne is now boowooing in the DR. Aw, she's upset with Alex nomming her.
Jackson: 'I made a mistake to Jason.' Ooh. I wonder if he really believes that or not? Jason seemed quite happy to make friends, make friends, never never break friends.
Sam got a jar of mayonnaise off BB for his alleged 24th birthday.
Ooh I like Jackson's shirt. Jackson's clothes are literally half eek, half chic. I'm glad in a way Andy didn't nom Jason, cos I don't think he would have handled it well.
Jason: 'I'm an only child.' Jackson: 'I've guessed that.' What? It's not like you were abused as a child. You just got more toys. Boo woo.
Andy felt fantastic not to be nommed. Normal weeks he gets nommed to fuck. He was lucky.
Alex is admitting to Jackson that he old likes Evelyn 'when he's had a fishbowl.' (Jackson's words)
Alex: 'Another gruelling test of my mental and physical strength.' What is? Trying not to sleep with Evelyn? Pretending to be straight? I just don't know. But that conversation was so laddish and oafish. Grim!

Big Brother UK 2016: Well, that was fucking awkward

Ooh tonight's show looks good! Lucky Andy's the newscaster and not getting outside info, hey?
Oh Evelyn, if Alex hasn't kissed you by now, he really doesn't want to kiss you. Marco wasn't backward in coming forward with Laura (and now Emma), was he?
Jayne is needling Jason about evicting Ryan and Jackson is standing up for Jason 'he had his reasons.' STFU Jackson. You keep backing the wrong horse.
Alex's denim headband: eek. Laura, stop pushing the Alex and Evelyn thing through a fake dream. It's desperate. 'My best friend fancies you!' Alex: 'From school to marriage.' Yep, from the cradle to the grave. Bring on your funeral speech.
Why has Jackson got a flea in his ear about Jayne? Shurrup.
This task looks fun, with Andy being a news reporter. He is cringetastic. Ha, Emma was dumped by her boyfriend after disappearing for 20 hours with Marco. Laura: 'You little shit!' Why is Laura bothered? What about Bernardo! They were probably just smoking crack.
Laura has lovely gnashers. I've never noticed them before. Jackson nommed Laura, not even interesting.
Ooh 'Andy stabbed Jason in the back' news. I think this is a good way of mixing up the shitstir task but I think they could have used stronger material. Andy is 'struggling to recall the conversation.' Ha, I bet. Jason not impressed. Mind you, how can you tell, his face is always in Mount Rushmore mode. Loved Andy going, 'Well that was fucking awkward.' at the end.
Haa now they're showing Jackson a tweet accusing him of fake crying, ha. Outside contact! Jackson: 'Crying in front of hundreds and thousands of people... maybe even millions.' No, right first time.
Andy: 'Jackson, what is your accent?' Hahaha. Jackson can both do street slang and speak eloquently.  Andy's busting out the whole 'let me finish.' Jackson is now being accused of playing the hero. Jackson is UTC. He's sweating physically and metaphorically. Andy then said, 'We're both sitting here sweating our arses off.' Not very professional. Andy is apparently: 'Better than Piers Morgan.' In what way, exactly?!
Andy: cue card fail. He could take a few tips from Chenbot.
Jayne is the outside reporter and advocating 'tits and teeth.' Well, I have both of those. They are having to pick between fake and real news stories. Brexit chat! Asking Alex's opinion on Brexit, hahaha. Good luck, Jayne. Ha, they all think we voted Remain. Andy's Brexit shock face was quite funny. Wait til he finds out about Grindr.
None of the housemates think David Cameron has stepped down after Brexit. Jayne thinks 'anyone would be better than the pig fucker as Prime Minister.' OK, she didn't say 'pig fucker.'
Jason: 'Andy knows more than what we do' about the news. True. But so does Jett Riviera.
Jackson's reaction to Theresa May being Prime Minister. 'We got a girl as Prime Minister? That's never happened before.' I think Andy is doing literal facepalm on the desk. How could you forget the Iron Lady. I know all those people dancing on her grave didn't.
Andy called David Cameron a 'pack of gammon.' Bit disrespectful to pigs, really.
They are now showing them Lateysha on BOTS calling Jason and Andy gameplanners. Jason: 'If the people on Bit on the Side think I'm a gameplayer, that's up to them.' Thanks for that, Jason. They do.
Feels like a bit mean to have this task based around news, hosted by Andy, when we all know the biggest news is that his boyfriend is a cheating rat. I think Andy will feel quite embarrassed and played when he comes out and it's a bit ssssssnaky of Big Brother to do it.
They are quoting Hughie's DR about Jason, lol. 'Not even horrible in an entertaining way.' Ha, they played what Jason said about Laura, too. And then what Laura said about Alex. Boom! It was like a baton of bitchery passing along. Laura was right, Alex doesn't care less about her.
Jason: 'Can I ask a question? How do you play a game in here?' Lol. Typical gameplanner tactic! Andy seems to know a lot about it.
Jason: 'If they want to see me explode, I'll explode but they'd better have ten security men on the other side of that wall.' Psycho pants. Jason to Andy: 'Don't waste your breath, no disrespect.' God, what a grumpy old sod. Jason is going to 'kick off at one person.' Who?
Jackson is also boo-hooing in the DR because of his street/posh accent woes. Bad atmosphere!
Ugh, I hate face paints. Annoying. Andy likes face paints? Weird.
Jason wants to leave and doesn't want to give 'any more camera time.' He wants to 'do things his own way' and he wants 'some dignity.' Good luck with that. Dignity in (not) leaving the Big Brother house is not that catchy.
Jason has decided to stay. 'Andy you've always talked and it's never been a problem.' Except when he backstabbed you, ha.
This episode started well but has gone boring. Jackson vs Jayne: who cares?
Jason and Jackson are so terrified of public perception. If you know yourself, you don't give a fuck what the public thinks of you, because you know you're alright. So this tells me they are both true gamers.
OMG Alex looked so disgusted when Evelyn cuddled up to him. I think he basically recoiled. She had to kiss him first too, and it lasted like one second. Tragic. Just tell her you're not interested, mate. Cos this is not going to sound good in your eulogy.

Big Brother UK 2016: Boos and jeers

Andy staves off his stiffy by thinking about Margaret Thatcher. He's so uptight that you think that would turn him on, the Iron Lady.
Hughie on Jason in the DR: 'He's not fun, he's horrible and not in an entertaining way.' ie. like Andy.
The boo/cheer ratio being discussed again. It's endless.
Jayne would give her 'eye teeth to be booed' as she hears silence when her name is called.
Andy can't work out why Laura is getting booed. Jason could 'hazard a couple of guesses.' He's disapproving of her 'getting her tits out.' You can tell Andy's annoyed with him. Jason says he's going to 'start smoking, pull my fingernails out, stick pins in my eyes.' Sounds like my Sunday night so far. I love Jason saying the sunlounger is 'too far away.' That's my boy! Andy is so done with him, ha. But he has no one else to speak to.
Jason is upset about getting boos and jeers. Better than boos and cheers, right? He's trying to work out what it is he's done. Nicked 20K and evicted Lateysha? Oh and played a big part in Ryan's eviction, upsetting Hughie in the process. It doesn't take Inspector Winston to figure it out, misery guts.
Jayne and Sam are laying into Jason too, ha. I love the fact Jason is the house leper now, not Andy.
Hughie's never been in love so doesn't know how it feels. Aw. Seemed like love with Ryan to me. Even is it's just Big Brother love, followed by magazine deal love.
Andy now bitching about Jason, ha. Andy sunbathing is an ugly sight. Andy should be banned from taking his top off. Andy: 'Bananas are amazing.' They're OK.
SICK BUCKET. Hughie puking over the shampoo was funny. But what is a vom task without Ryan?
Evelyn eating a banana through tights and vomming was like a pay per view type thing.
I liked the way Jackson read out the instructions for the task. Hughie agog at Sam deep throating the banana. That's the most interesting thing I've seen Sam do in the whole time he's been in there. He's so trying to be Ryan in this task. Ugh.
At least Jason can pronounce 'lather'. Andy less good at deep throating. Why is everyone slapping Hughie with the fish? Fuckers. Andy did good gaming there though, cos he also called Hughie most attractive by licking his face.
Jason gulping orange juice and going 'shame we're banged up in here.'
Sober Evelyn doesn't want to kiss Alex, but drunk Evelyn has a different mind.
Put your top on Andy, the vom task is over. Especially in the diary room, it's a hygiene issue. Andy now putting Jason on blast for sulking. Hope they show the house this. They haven't really shown anything on screens yet this year.
Sausage rolls and cocktail sausages, that's my sort of party. *stands by the buffet*
LOL at Andy's makeover. The Dappy hat is not good. It's like when Derrick Levasseur went hipster.
I fucking love watching housemates dance badly. Jackson looks kinda hot in his yellow shirt. I'm kind of back on Jackson with his new hair, I have to admit it. I even kind of like the hat today. Andy's dancing is soooo cringe. Jayne looks good. I miss Ryan, though.
Jackson in the DR is making me go off him quite quickly. He's doing three accents in one and going on about 'licks'. Shut your mouth and look pretty, bitch.
Sam's 'Alex has never done Ev' comment was a bit snarky. I love Laura calling him for going under the radar in the DR. I like her DRs lately.
Jason is being a party pooper. Pity party for one in the garden! He is trying to PLAY THE PUBLIC to feel sorry for him. Gameplanner! love Big Brother showing Hughie and Alex dancing and Alex loving it. Great editing.
I love a drunk Hughie in the DR pining over Ryan. So cute. Aw he loves Ryan! *dies*
Hughie's pole dancing, ha. BB is telling him off. Hughie is like a horny dog without Ryan. Hughie's hairy arse has shades of Jordan Parhar. I like Hughie's twerking then he just somersalts in the pool. Shame! That's nice to see everyone laughing so much they look like they're gonna piss themselves. I enjoy seeing that.
Pool party! Sam's body might be less sexy than Andy's. Jason is grumpy because Laura has boobs. 'I just walked away.' We know, you grumpy cunt.
Hughie drank Alex's lager then just goes 'shut up you with your five grand.' Ha. Good deflection! OMG him kissing Ryan's picture. Too cute. He looks pissed as a fart.
Laura: 'Jason looked quite fit tonight.' How much has she had to drink!?
Should Hughie be drunk beside the pool? You can see how these accidental drownings happen on holiday.
Well, that was a very average Sunday show. We're on the final stretch. Weird, cos it feels like it half never got started. I know it's over, and it never really began. Still waiting for Andrew Tate's CCTV mansion show. In the meantime, there's Marco's Snapchat to keep us intellectually stimulated. Night!

Big Brother UK 2016: What do Draculas eat?

Fuck you!

So 'annihilation week' was a resounding failure, with three of the house characters evicted, while more deadwood floats around the house than the aftermath of this week's latest shot-down aeroplane. Ouch, it was painful to see Ryan go last night (nearly as painful as that analogy I just did). I feel partly responsible as I didn't vote. Note Ryan was the only one who got cheers, ie. a reaction, ie. was providing entertainment, so he HAD to go. STUPID to let the housemates choose, it was our golden opportunity to get rid of Sam. SO MUCH HATE for these housemates. The only genuine relationship in the house is over. I will miss Rughie's romps under the covers.
Also, I don't like the way Emma treated Ryan in his interview. Haha what he said about taking 'ten vallies' in his interview. 100% drug addict. He was good TV, get off his back. He did nothing wrong. She treated Daley better, and I know this, cos I read my blog about it on my Timehop this week. Shame about what he said about 'birds not being funny' in his interview but her going 'you need to think before you speak' was worse. WE DON'T WANT HOUSEMATES WHO THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK. We want 12 Marcos, dumbass.
I did think it was going to be a double eviction, but I thought it was going to be called 'The Massacre.' Actually, it still was on Virgin. The only thing Big Brother massacres is it's own viewing figures, week on week.
OMG Sam's hairy chest is so gross. I'm a fan of a nice hairy chest, but his is NOT. He's like a walking pube.
Alex teaching Jayne slang. Ugh. Alex, you're too old for slang. Also, it seemed to be 80s slang he was teaching her. 'Phat?' I think that was uncool in the 90s.
Ryan is having one final retch before he leaves. Ryan: 'You smell of garlic clovers! What do Draculas eat? Is it garlic?' Hughie: 'I think it's blood.' Ryan: 'Go get some deodorant and spray it in your mouth.' I'll miss these moments.
I actually like Jackon's haircut, god forgive me. Jayne: 'It looks different.' That's what my mum said to me when I had my haircut, and also that I look like a lesbian and a gay man. Thanks mum!
What are these derogatory comments Ryan has been making? Oh, a flashback! Ryan: 'Get pummelled... Cannon (Alex) is going to fuck you up the arse' to Evelyn. Jason is on his soap box about it. Has he never fucked anyone up the arse? Only Lateysha this week, I guess.
Tattoo talk... Hughie has a tattoo of someone called Emily which Ryan is obviously jealous about.
Jackson's tartan trousers are shooting up the eek list. He's been institutionalised by Big Brother. I'm surprised he knows what 'institutionalised' means.
Aw Ryan and Hughie talking about leaving together, how romantic. That would have been cute.
Laura looks cute today, I like her knitted grey two piece.
I liked Ryan's Brandon Flowers/ Patrick Wolf-esque bin bag eviction outfit. 'Take out the trash' would have been my blog title had I done one yesterday. But I didn't.
Jason is wearing patent shoes with no socks. His feet must STINK. Jason says next week is the final week. Is it?
So they're doing the eviction quite early so there must be fall out. Emma is in the garden. They are recycling the podiums.
I still don't get how Evelyn and Alex got more votes than Ryan. Makes no sense. Laura's outfit is TERRIBLE (with the stripes). She has Jade Goody eviction dress-itis.
I hate Laura being booed. On the live feed she said she had 'rhino skin' and I loved it. Sam getting booed, yay. He's lucky there was any noise at all.
It was a close vote, wasn't it. Jason, Alex and Jackson (ie. the bros) and voted to evict Laura (why has Alex never had a one to one chat with Laura? They've been in there nearly two months). Have you noticed how Sam and Ryan seem very friendly these days? So much for all that manufactured fake rivalry crap.
Hughie muttering: 'This is fucking brutal.' Aw. Interesting Hughie didn't vote off Sam either.
Evelyn, Jason and Andy voted to evict Ryan. Ryan: 'I'm going home!' Aw. Jayne was the deciding vote.
Ryan was hoisted on his own petard by going in the rich garden! Aw, he didn't even get his 5K.
Hughie to Ryan: 'You're the best housemate that's ever been on this show. You're amazing, do you understand that? That was gameplaying if there ever was one. You're absolutely incredible.' Some people die without ever hearing words like that. Honestly, it brought a tear to my eye, the strength of their feelings for each other. And no, it may not last. But in there, it was 100% genuine and no one can take that from them.
Hughie to Jason: 'You're disgraceful!' YESSSS! I love Hughie. I liked Ryan's 'Jason, you're a dickhead, mate' goodbye.
Jason is trying to explain himself to Hughie.
So Jason is annoyed he can't talk about bumming women because of his height? OK then. It's just a joke. Don't tell women what is derogatory for them. Good of Hughie to shake his hand. 'I don't agree with your principles and how you go about tings!'
Jackson is saying Laura doesn't deserve her boos. Laura is confronting Hughie over his choice. He's not going to kick Ryan out, is he? Oh, she's annoyed cos he saved Sam. I love Laura's hair colour, it's gorgeous.
Sam: 'Was I booed a lot?' I heard all the cheers/boos ratio chat on the live feed last night. Sam doesn't remember being booed as 'it was all a blur.' HE'S ABSOLUTELY FINE. Don't shoot the messenger, Sam. You did get booed to fuck.
It's like they expect Laura to get booed but not Sam so Laura should just suck it up. Sexist. Sam is so entitled. Just because people like you in the house... it don't mean shit. At least Sam and Laura made up quickly.
Andy and Jason will never speak again once they leave the house.
Hughie in the DR: awww. 'I'm so proud of him and I love him with every part of me.' on Jason: 'He's dug his own grave right now. He's a two-faced prick, a massive gameplayer, a complete and utter fake and fraud, a bullshitter, and number one, grade A, 24-carat, 100% liar and fucking twat.' YES! I love how this shit just trips off Hughie's tongue.
Risky pranks coming up! What's that going to be? Razor blades on the toilet seat? Bleach in the Weetabix? There's no Captain Camo in there house so there can't be any women getting assaulted (BBUS reference there).
I LOVE Laura saying 'fuck you' to the idiot general public in the diary room. Really, what does she have left to lose? 'You are SO MEAN.' Haha. Not nice when people are mean.
Laura: 'Seriously, fuck the people who are booing. I think they're horrible.' They are. And ugly as sin, too.
Laura to Alex: 'I wonder why it is we haven't bonded?' I love her saying that, just bringing it right to him. He said, 'I can't articulate it.' So what's new, thicko pants? He probably thinks she's a slag from her fun times with Marco in the sex chamber and cos he's too uptight to even snog someone.
OK, so Evelyn is putting herself into a suitcase as a present for Alex. I'm a fan of confined spaces in the right context, but you have to consider it in the light of that spy who was found in the bath in a gym bag.
Alex wants to take advantage of Evelyn straight away. He probably prefers her in the case where she can't actually touch him. Hughie: 'You can't do this! You'll smother her.' Aw.
Ah then Alex picked her up and cuddled her! I saw that last night on the live feed but didn't see the suitcase bit as they were obviously running it past their lawyers.
Alex is carrying Evelyn around showing off her fanny. Alex to Jayne: 'Is this one worth keeping?' Stop talking about women as if they're FISH you're considering throwing back,  FFS.
Laura 'wants to hate Jackson, but really doesn't.' That's exactly how I feel about Jackson, tbh. He's such a dick, yet still there's something I like about him, and it's not just the cheekbones.
I love it when Jackson had his hand on Laura's neck in the traditional 'psycho boyfriend got you in a headlock' pose, and then Laura turned it round him him and grabbed HIM round the neck. She's definitely a top.
Jason is 'questioning his values.' He knew 'he was a bad person four or five years ago.' What was he up to then? He was also a bad person to Charlie, and that was only X number of months ago (it changes depending on the edit.) Jason says, 'I'm not as thick-skinned as I may appear.' No, but you are as thick. And your time is coming! Hopefully in the dreaded two-person Janice-Battersby-and-Mario-Falcone eviction with Sam on finale night. You deserve no LESS!

Big Brother UK 2016: Annihalation week can do one

Where was the ANNIHILATION yesterday? All I saw was ssssssnake Andy being confusingly given immunity, despite the fact everyone seems to hate his guts. I thought it was ONE PER DAY. You have let me down, Big Brother, and not for the first time. Although I'm not adverse to Andy being immune. Andy should be in the final.
So from the 'coming up' I think Jayne or Jason must have gone, right?
Jackson is perching on eggshells. 'It's kill or be killed.' I can feel a Bright Eyes song coming on. Is it me or has Jackson become super annoying lately? I could tolerate his fake romance and the gangster chat, but him trying to be the man of the house is a step too far.
Andy and Jason are whining and eating in the garden. Andy: 'The most popular people are not the most deserving.' Well, that depends.
Lateysha: 'It's basically stabbing people in the back.' No it's stabbing people in the front.
Jason is annoyed that Jayne is looking forward to the annihilation. Hopefully he goes.
The housemates are returning to the splinter chamber.
Button pushing time! Who's going to be the next Marlon/ Luke Scrase/ Conor? My money is on someone like Laura or Evelyn but Andy and some of the others could easily have it in them. Sam even.
Jason, Jackson, Hughie and Laura all pressed! Jackson was just shaking his head all pious. Laura said: 'It just kind of happened.' Not for the first time in the BB house. Evelyn had her hands BEHIND HER BACK. That's good willpower. They should have read out the names of all those who pressed. OMG Jason was first! 20K! He's gonna evict Jayne! 'It's not about the money, I'm doing it for survival reasons.' Whatever! OMG! 'The reason I choose the other person is because I think that person's going to win it and the person has had a lot of attention.' HE EVICTED LATEYSHA. MELTDOWN FORTHCOMING. The reactions were AMAZING. Nearly up there with 'David's dead.'
Lateysha is in there for 'more of a reason' than anyone. Why exactly? OMG it's gonna kick off.
Lateysha: 'Now you get to see the real Jason.' I've seen it since day one. Ryan: 'RUTHLESS!'
Ooh, Andy is backing Jason! Gameplanners sssssticking together.
Ryan: 'It's not a tactful decision.' True, ha. 'Why her?' Why NOT her?
Jason: 'The easy option would have been to go for Jayne.' That's so true. Who SHOULD he have evicted?
Jackson yelping: 'It's wrong! was hilarity.
Jason: 'I don't think she should have left a nine month baby at home.' OMG! What a rotter! This guy has been playing the game for WEEKS!
Lateysha is taking it quite well, I think. I'm surprised she's not angrier. I hate all the righteousness about this. Lateysha doesn't deserve it more than anyone else. Ryan: 'She's in here for her career.'
Jason's beleaguered act is gonna get thin fast. Andy is LOVING all the heat being on Jason for once.
Ryan dropping the baby bomb. Ooh!
At least Lateysha looks nice going. She's going out with her head high.
Jason drives an Aston Martin! Who knew?!
Sam: 'There was something always wrong with his eyes.' Hahaaa. 
Andy said he would have evicted Lateysha too. I think he would have evicted Jayne.
Jackson and Alex crying about Lateysha going was brill. Alex, just admit you want to fuck Lateysha and stop being so vain. They are playing maudlin music. Is she not going to say goodbye to Andy and Jason, haha. LOL they're all using Lateysha's perfume in her memory.
Lateysha: 'It's been an emotional headfucking, shit eating experience.' It's good to go out like that in a way because people will always go to her, 'You were robbed.' It's good to go out in an unjust way like that.
Jackson saying he would have evicted Jayne and give her 10K.
Jason got his revenge for Lateysha calling him a gameplayer, by making the biggest game move so far.
Jason: 'I've done everything in her for everybody.' Like what?! You've done nothing.
Alex with his hand on Evelyn's forehead: 'Do you reckon she's a keeper?' CREEPY.
Laura is annoyed with EVERYONE. Me too! Why is Laura so annoyed with Jackson of all people? Evelyn is calling bullshit on Jackson's reasons.
Jackson is defending his family name  (Blyton). I love that Evelyn is piping up. About time! Evelyn: 'Let's be honest, we're in a fucking gameshow.'
Alex: 'Everyone is in it for yourselves because it's only yourself in here.' The new Oscar Wilde here.
Alex in bed with Evelyn now his real love Lateysha has gone.
Jackson is modelling the Drugs Inc bandana. He needs a hockey mask also.
Andy is in the DR handwringing and gloating. He thinks Jason is 'very determined.' I'm sure Andy was not sad to see Lateysha go. Andy called Lateysha 'it' at the end. Niiiiiicccee.
OOH all housemates up and VOTE TO SAVE. That is GOOOOOOOD! Clears out the deadwood before the final. Nice one.

Big Brother UK 2016: Take it like a man

I'm hiding from Twit cos I heard from a little birdie that spoilers are out. Sssssspoilers!
So they wake the housemates up with news that it's annihilation week. Shockwaves through the house! Real ones.
Everyone looks really shocked, especially Sam, who always looks gormless when he gets a surprise, and Evelyn, who is worried about her eyebrows. I think she looks quite decent not all done up. 
'It's like the hunger games, it's kill or be killed!' Not really. No one is dying. Sadly. Maybe in a decade's time they could crank the electric shock suits up for a fun task. Sizzle!
Andy in DR giving his thoughts on the situation: 'People are enjoying themselves and getting on.' When?
Why is Jayne calling Lateysha Latisha?
Jason using an example of annihilation in a sentence: 'Hughie annihilates Andy verbally.' Uh oh, Andy overheard. Not good. Ooh, Andy starting on Hughie! Shrewd. Jason SET UP this situation by using Hughie as an example, spinning him round and watching him go, then sat back eating a sandwich. Oooh. Gameplanner! Dastardly. I like it.
Next thing they show is Jason massaging the girls and empathising about period pains! Ha! 'I would hate to go through the things you women have to.' Yeah like getting evicted over your sausage meat brass neck. He is BLATANT.
Ha! Alex is telling Evelyn he heard what she said last night. I'm surprised he had the balls. Ooh, then he cuddled her. Does he want her to sit on his face? He is SO impassive. He is a human impasse. OMG he did a joke. I had to rewind it three times, but he said, 'at least when the chairs run out, you have somewhere to sit.' ie. his face. Who knew he did jokes! What next, dance routines? By the way, why would the chairs run out? Is it musical chairs? Televised musical chairs, that's a good way to evict people. THEN you'll see how much people want it. You can have that idea from me, Big Brother.
Ooh, they are showing Jackson and Chelsea talking about noms. Fingering Hughie! That was quite a vague talk about nominations. Chelsea must go straight to jail. Well, he does like life on the streets. Better than the hot water going off, isn't it? He can handle it. I'm putting Chelsea's red roll neck on the eek list, along with Jackson's orange anorak. Just say no.
It's more of a garden shed than a jail. Chelsea: 'This is what happens to the bad boys.' They should have just made Hughie immune. Jayne is winding Chelsea up in jail, ha.
Hughie looks like a different person in his promo shots. His hair is still bad then, but at least he looks cheerful.
Laura looks quite hot today. I like the leopard print and red lips, very chic. BB said 'you can take down your strongest competition or your weakest link.' I'm glad they pointed that out (ie. get rid of Alex). Oooh, they have to stay in the deliberation room until they have unanimously decided to evict one person. This is like when they had to decide who to bring back from the secret house in BB Canada and fudged it.
Oh no, save me speeches. Jackson: 'I have tried hard not to be a dick.' Not hard enough. Jayne is pulling at the heartstrings and crying, ha. Andy is playing the engagement card. Chelsea still wants to 'get to know people'. Surely you know everyone by now? Chelsea: 'Keep the old boy in.' Jason is bringing up Charlie, saying he's taken one for the team and 'put everyone else first.' GAMEPLANNER.
Alex 'prides himself on being strong' and letting Evelyn sit on his face. OMG was he nice to Evelyn earlier because of this annihilation crap?! I wouldn't be surprised, you know! Tricksy.
Hughie has had the 'time of his life.' If they evict Hughie, I'll kill 'em. Hughie is going a 'girly boys' speech (t.m. Gary Levy) and crying. YESSSS! Ryan looks scared. Don't evict Ryan. He's got 'more to give.' I bet they evict Laura or Evelyn. Bet you. Lateysha: self proclaimed hilarious and wants to say 'fuck you' to people who slagged her off (ie. Hughie).
Jackson is like the jury foreman (clad in stonewash denim). I like his idea of going round and saying who people would have nominated, seems quite fair to me. Lateysha said, 'Let's just do one.' I liked it when Jackson said 'don't go with the majority vote.' The thing is, you will go for a soft option face to face, it's obvious. I've seen it a million times before.
Jackson nommed Laura. Evelyn is hyperventilating again. She nommed Chelsea. Laura nommed Chelsea as well. Yes! Actually, no. I want Laura to go. Jayne did Chelsea, too. Chelsea actually looks upset. Andy did Hughie.
Chelsea nommed Evelyn! WHY! Where's your strategy? Nom Laura! Then Jason nominated Jayne! Makes no sense. LUMP YOUR VOTES on one person. Ooh, Alex wants them to come back to him. Not a good idea as then you may be the decider. Sam nommed Chelsea. Boo. I mean in a normal nom, Chelsea would probably have gone next. But this seems very mean. Hughie nommed Chelsea. Aw. Ryan did, too. Lateysha did as well. Pancakegate revenge! Bhahaha! Evil. Shit, Alex nommed Hughie. That means Hughie might go next. Oh no.
Andy: 'Would Chelsea like to say something?' Fuck you, probably. Chelsea: 'I've got a tough life outside. You're all younger and more deserving.'
Jackson: 'You'll be dearly, dearly, dearly missed.' Andy crying about Chelsea being his friend and giving a smarmy politicians speech. Actually, in a way it's quite a touching way to go out, with everyone giving nice speeches about you, plus you avoid the booage. Aw, that was really sad. Haha!
I will miss you, Chelthea. At least he gets 30 mins to pack.
His eviction jacket was awesome. It was kind of moving the way he went. He held his head high.
Chelsea's pulse rate is always 70, being nominated or not. He 'takes it like a man'. 'Let's ave it!' He was right, it wasn't fair the way they voted. Should have been a written vote. Also, now they sense blood, ie. Hughie's and Laura's. I hope they don't vote in the same way tomorrow.
Hughie wants to eat food and have sex naked on a table. I don't mix food with sex, personally. Just like I don't eat in the car. You need some rules in life, or you become a barbarian.
Jason is gameplanning with Alex. Andy is in the DR AGAIN. Jesus. 'I could have said no.' Yes, you could have said no, if you wanted to. You could have walked away, couldn't you?
Andy feels like a rat and a bad friend. Yes, he's a floater rat and a pot stirrer. he's worried Alex, Jackson and Jason (ie. the straights in the house) won't stick up for him if his head's on the chopping block. Here's a clue: NO. They'll push you in front of that bus, bitch.
Hughie is grinding in Ryan's face. Not sure why. Is he drunk?
Jason is in the DR saying he's next. 'It's my head on the chopping board.' That's chopping BLOCK to you. Andy is also having a one man pity party.
Jason is now doing a party political broadcast in the garden about what he wanted to prove in the house. Sam is laughing at him. What an arse. I hate Jason, but I don't think the majority should decide who leaves because that makes individuals and interesting housemates (ie. non sheep) more vulnerable.
Evelyn: 'Do you think you'll be in the finals?' to Alex. He hopes so. Evelyn thinks she's 'got a chance to make it.' Hmmm.
I hate Lateysha saying about the people who have 'strong reasons for being here.' No reason is more worthy than another. Your reason for being there is to entertain me, no more, no less, and you're failing. You're middle of the pack. If Hughie goes tomorrow, I'm going to go to Borehamwood and burn that bungalow to the ground. ANNIHILATE!

Big Brother UK 2016: No honour amongst (milk) thieves

Just thinking.

The warning boasts of 'vomiting and sexual scenes' which I hope happen at the same time for maximum thrills.
So there's four female housemates and eight male housemates. Good work, great British public, you sexist gits.
Jayne: '25 years ago I could have had Alex.' Gross.
Evelyn has got post-awkward cuddle with Alex regret. OMG her arse out on his lap. Dear me. The thing is, if they were outside the house, he'd bang her, he's just so caught up on his public perception (like Jason) that he doesn't want to do it in the house. Transparent. Ooh, a friend on Twitter just speculated that Alex is gay. It would certainly explain a lot and why he's twitching about his funeral speeches etc if he's that deep in the closet.
Hughie and Ryan are shoring up their alliance. Good stuff. Hughie has kind of fat fingers. Weird, cos he's not fat. Actually, I got sight of him a little later, and he has done a bit of a Jade Goody (not not racially abused a visitor to this country, put on a little weight in the house). RIP.
How were the teams picked for this sports day? Ghetto slide! BB staple. AND spin the bottle is coming up later. Win/win. Puking?! Blerrrrrgggghhh! I can't actually watch these tasks. Barf zone. I'm putting these tabards on the eek list. Insert 'Evelyn's good at swallowing' joke here- if you're a sexist, that is. Chicken feet! Marcellas flashback. Bleuuurrrghhh. I know who would be good/bad at this task: Gordon Ramsey.
Now they are racing in a 'sack full of horse manure'. How much did the task team spend on that mess? I'd say a fiver, tops. Also, you can't see them getting covered in shit, so it barely works.
Fish guts! Fucking hell, bring on the electric shock suits and we'll call it a wrap. Hughie going on about the smell of the stuff is hilarious. I like it when Hughie and Ryan argue as well as cuddle, cos it's like a real relationship.
The shit has attracted flies. Mmm.
Yay, Hughie vs Jackson. But shit, the housemates evict each other this week. Hughie needs to keep his head down (briefly!). I'm not sure Jackson screamed at Hughie.
Jackson kissing Hughie and trying to force him to smile. Sexual assault.
Andy is shitstirring in the diary room about Hughie. 'Nasty, aggressive, argumentative', shut up. Others see a nice Hughie. 'He's not thinking nice things when he looks at me.' Me either, Andy. 'I think he's made up some myth about me.' No, he just sees through your bullshit.
Jackson and Chelsea in the gangsta corner bitching about Hughie. Chelsea is like a pressure cooker waiting to go off... boof. He's going to beat someone up 'cameras or no cameras'. Chelsea: 'I've done business, you know the score, it's street all the way.' Jackson's face said it all. That was reminiscent of Jimmy Savile and Louis Theroux. Tracksuit wearing old man boasting with creepy undertones.
I think Hughie's on his period today, he's not a happy man. Ha, Jackson is grassing up what Chelsea said to Sam and Lateysha. Where's the street code when you need it? Where's the honour amongst (milk) thieves?
There's a lot of heat on Chelsea tonight. He's obviously going to get annihilated this week.
Alex is grinding on Lateysha. Maybe he fancies her more than Evelyn? Jackson is doing lots of mugging to the camera tonight. Andy's face when Evelyn was going on about Alex. Funny. Evelyn is annoying as hell. Lateysha is obviously in love with Alex.
Ryan to Hughie: 'You can sometimes take things the wrong way.' Aw. They have a such a good relationship, they are actual equals.
Andy is having a cuddle with Alex. 'I wouldn't approach you in a bar.' Ha.
Jackson to Chelsea: 'It's going round now that people are intimidated by you.' Cos you told everyone. Jackson came out of that conversation smelling of roses! Good work. 'Much respect.' Lol.
Big Brother is trying to slutshame Laura as normal. Also, a crap camera angle on the faux lesbo kiss. Will none of the men step up? The straight women are having to kiss each other for entertainment, and that was before spin the bottle!
Alex and Jayne have more chemistry than him and Evelyn. I do kind of like Jayne now, which is annoying.
Andy: 'How do you think 12 people is going to become 5 in two weeks?' Good question. ANNIHILATION! Andy is getting his knickers wet at the thought of doing face to face noms. Sadistic bastard.
Oooh this is going to be soooo cringe! Evelyn talking about Alex while he's sat on the sofa. How is the boring slab of meat going to handle this? NO EMOTION on his face as Evelyn says she wants to sit on it. I'd pretend to be asleep. I feel sorry for Evelyn, it's the WORST feeling when you get caught out like that. Haha, how will she try and style it out? How can they not see Alex there? He's not a chameleon. Mind you, he is quite inanimate.
God, the conversaition is just going ON AND ON. It's awful. Hahaha. And brilliant. Laura and Evelyn are obviously drunk and cooking AS USUAL. Ha, the moment when Laura realised Alex was sat there. HILARITY. TV GOLD. Alex is 'just thinking'. Well, we know that's a lie. I would have loved to have seen what happened next. No such luck.

Big Brother UK 2016: I'm not fussed about going to this party

Ooh my favourite, Saturday episodes where you have at least ten minutes of all the shite you saw the previous evening. My predictions for tonight: Jason pretending he cares that Charlie went even though he NOMINATED her.
Hughie shouting coming up! That's all I need.
Food has been delivered to the store room. Chick peas, kidney beans and rice. I would be dead. I like it when they starve the housemates. Sam wouldn't eat rice at home. But you're not at home, bitch. Also, there's like a lettuce on the side, so knock yourself out.
Laura and Evelyn are making a porridge pancake. Apparently it tastes gross. Pancakegate part two avoided.
Jason's looking at Charlie's boobs (sorry, trying not to look) and licking his lips.
Jayne is sure Chelsea will go. Negative. She will do somersaults if he goes. I'd like to see that.
Fucking hell, look at the colour of Andy. His skin colour is pure grey. Ugh.
Ryan and Hughie in the DR together are the best. They are being given a task to throw a party. Ryan farted and then choked to death on the smell of his own fart.
They are throwing a POO-EL party. Haha, they have to chose between pool party essentials and housemates. LOL. I'll take a inflatable phallus over Andy, please.
Haha they swapped Laura for a lilo. Then they swapped Evelyn for ice cream. And swapped Alex for music. And Andy for party food. Is there anyone left!
Ryan: 'Andy should be buzzing he's even here and not up for eviction this week.' Fair point! Hold on, they should have sacked Sam off from the pool party.
So they told EVERYONE the pool party was happening and then uninvited people after. Bit mean. But very funny. So everyone is putting their trunks on for nothing.
I love the housemates looking forward to the party: Laura wanting a sausage roll, Jason wanting a Mr Whippy. My favourite part is Ryan and Hughie twitching like hell about the whole thing.
Alex is FUMING!
Haha Hughie and Ryan making up reasons why they didn't invite people. Alex: 'So people who moan get to go to the pool party?' NO PEOPLE WITH PERSONALITIES, YOU CUNT.
Andy looks secretly thrilled not to go to the pool party. I liked Evelyn's reaction to being swapped for ice cream. It seemed to be: 'fair enough.' Jason doesn't understand the rules of the task. 'So you could have had Evelyn rather than ice cream?' But ice cream is better than Evelyn.
Andy: 'You've chosen your mates.' Well, it's true. Ha. 'The reasons you're giving are mealy mouthed.' There's only one mealy mouthed person in that house and his name is ANDY. Yesss to Ryan kicking off. Andy: 'I'm not fussed about going to the party. The reasons just don't add up.' NOT FUSSED. Is that like you weren't storming off the other night, you absolute cock?
Hughie: 'Bullshit, you're a liar and a trouble maker, so he is. Don't hedge around tings. I'M SICK OF HIM!' Join the club, mate.
Alex looks like he's going to kill someone, or at least kick a bin. Alex is like a less charming Danny Wisker, if you can imagine such a thing. Cos at least Danny Wisker had 'canoe'. And the pizza boxes. And the Marc o Neil files.
Chelsea: 'Pool party, fuck it, I don't give a shit. The weather's crap anyway.' It doesn't look that bad. It's not raining.
Laura: 'The inflatables is a kick in the teeth.' Seems like a fair swap to me.
Alex wouldn't say he's angry, he'd say he's frustrated. I bet you he kicks holes in doors, he seems the type. 'You either have to cry, moan or sleep to get anywhere in this house.' SLEEP? Yes because crying and moaning implies you are a HUMAN BEING not just some dumb rock planning for people to say something bland about you at your dull funeral. 'If you're strong or you chose to not let things get to you or put on a brave face.' You're not in the trenches, mate.
Hughie and Ryan are having a cuddle under the covers.... both wearing hats. Is that a thing?
Hold on, Jason has been called to the diary room and is EATING a biscuit. WHAT DISRESPECT. There should be NO food and drink allowed in the DR under ANY circumstances (unless for a task). So he's bitching about people breaking rules etc. 'It's time for me to get a bit more ruthless. You're gonna see another side to me.' Then he admitted he wanted Charlie to go! Ruthless.
I think Evelyn actually fancies Jason! 'You look so smart today, I can't get over it.' Jason: 'I'm not going to take your bird off you.' Alex: 'I know.' OMG he only wants Evelyn because she wants Jason!
I like Charlie and Jayne's friendship. Charlie: 'He hasn't asked once if I'm alright.' Jason's cheers still baffle the fuck out of me.
Haha I missed Jackson going 'braaaappp' when Jason was saved last night. Crrrrraaaapp more like.
Charlie looked classy going out and blanking Jason was the best. Jackson: 'You know why' to Jason and him going 'That's not going to help her.' FUCK YOU. Fuck both of you. Misogynistic cunts.
Jason going 'I wish she'd said goodbye, she walked straight past me.' YOU NOMINATED HER AND THEN SAID YOU HOPED SHE WOULD GO. Fuck you.
Hughie is pointing out the different alliances, ie. Jackson, Alex, Jason and Chelsea in the arsehole alliance.
I love Jayne sticking it to Jason in the DR at the end.
I'm putting Jackson's pork pie hat on the eek list. Jackson: 'Here's the man of the hour, now you can breathe.' Charlie never got a chance to fucking breathe, did she?
Jason feels 'indifferent' that Charlie's gone. 'Being selfish, I'm glad I'm still here.' You're ALWAYS SELFISH, BITCH. 'I take it on the chin.' You're a twat.
I don't think it's possible to get shitfaced off them tiny little cans of gin and tonic or whatever the fuck it is.
I love the Ryan/ Hughie and Jayne dynamic. The others gang! Aww. They wanted Chelsea to go.
Jayne is so right that the woman always cops it.
Chelsea was 'convinthed I was a goner.' Me too! Is he crying? 'Do you want me to be perfectly honeth? I have put zero percent into winning this game. But now I'm gonna fight for it.'
The housemates are toasting Charlie with a dirty cocktail. Jackson is doing a moonwalk in the garden.
Chelsea is jealous of Jason's cheers. Jason wants the cheers to 'play back'; presumably when he masturbates. Chelsea is trying to influence nominations talking about the divide. Blatant!
Laura is suggesting they play spin the bottle. There's been no spin the bottle this series! Spin the bottle is a Big Brother staple, like the electric shocksuits. But you really want Marco there for spin the bottle. EHEHEHEHEH. 'Fuck, yeah!'
OMG Evelyn sidling up to Alex and him putting his arm round her like he's yawning. CRINGE.
Lateysha: 'Alex doesn't speak much about his feelings.' Alex doesn't speak much (end of sentence).
Lateysha then said she wanted the two of them to 'fuck each others guts out.' How romantic. Why does Alex have a toothbrush in his hand in the living room?
I think Ryan and Hughie are actually in love at this point. Well, Ryan deffo loves Hughie. They certainly have more chemistry than Evelyn and Alex. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU EVELYN. He doesn't see you long term. He thinks your fanny is huge. I HATE his accent. I hate him full stop.
Chelsea is doing his roots. LOLLLLL.
I respect the way Evelyn sits in the diary room chair, but not her mooning over Alex. Fuck Alex.
Alex and Evelyn in bed together is grim. There's more chemistry between Jackson and the picture of Georgina on his pillow.
God that episode felt long. NIGHT!

Big Brother UK 2016: Just stop dogging me around

Hello! We did a podcast last night for those with ears and dexterous volume control.
Aw, I hope Chelthea doesn't go tonight. I will mith his lithp. They're going to want Charlie and Jason to face off if anything.
Ooh the housemates are being told Emma has gone. Big Brother has got the rulebook out. The girls 'conspired not to nominate each other.' GIRLS ALLIANCE. Like they do in #bb18 But this is #bbuk. OK, so they've switched off the hot water, appliances, took away their shopping and booted Emma out. Fair enough. Andy is rulebooking. Do-gooder! Chelsea didn't know he wasn't allowed to talk about 'nominathions' after the fact. The boys are annoyed that the girls' pact will still stand. Oh well.
Lateysha cannot live off rice and peas, she lives off chocolate digestives.
I don't think anyone's even noticed Emma has gone. Lateysha is going on about biscuits and it's not even interesting. Chocolate digestives aren't even tasty. She should get thrown out for shoving one in her gob at the end.
I only just noticed Emma Willis's hair. Shite as usual.
Oh THAT'S why they didn't react to Emma going because Big Brother only just told them, lol. I thought no one gave a shit.
Sam says, 'Emma taught me positions I never thought I could get into.' Well, at least she was good for something.
OOH Jason is getting lots of airtime. Maybe there is a hope of him going. Now we're discussing the definition of the word 'conspiring.' Jason is being a dick. Let's conspire to evict Jason. Ha, now he's saying 'who nominated me and Charlie' and why. YOU FUCKING DID, mate. Bit rich. Get him out!
Evelyn thinks Alex is 'so grounded and his morals are so strong.' Alex replied: 'I don't know how to answer your question.' There wasn't a question. Alex: 'Every day I wonder what people would say at my funeral.' Hahaahhhaaaaa. You'd open the memorial service booklet and there would just be a picture of his arse.
Andy is stabbing Jason in the back in the diary room. Straight under the bus for you! Hahahaaa. Andy doesn't like the way you reacted to being nominated. Why don't you react to things like Andy? Why don't you behave like Andy in any given situation? Waaaaaa.
Emma just said 'Like Evelyn's camel toe, we've got so much more house action... sorry, we're bulging at the seams.'
ANNIHILATION is coming. Hopefully we can lose Jayne then.
Chelsea is doing another one of his stellar DR speeches: 'Through thick and thin... I'll take it like a man.'
I like Jayne giving advice to Charlie. It was good advice. 'It's always the woman who gets the blame.' Too true. I hope Charlie listens.
Andy is on a secret mission to stop acting like a douche for a day... sorry, to make up some historical facts. 'These people don't even know who Francis Drake is.' I don't even know if you spell that Francis or Frances and I'm not looking it up for this prick. I like his 'inflatable Rome' story though. Henry the 8th was secretly gay was good, too. World War 2.5. World War 3 we haven't had yet, haha.
So they are saving one person. Why are people cheering Jason? Charlie and Chelsea gets booed to fuck and Jason gets cheered. IT MAKES NO SENSE. 'Get Charlie out'? Why? Fans of dogs? She's not done anything wrong, except been a clinger.
Andy won the mission and got ingredients to make chilli con carne for the house. Not much of a reward, is it? I don't even know
Jayne wants a pot of jam, bread and a teabag or she's going to leave. She's not going to leave, is she?
Jayne: 'I don't want to open up a village fete or turn on the Christmas lights.' Where exactly? 'Please don't speak to Big Brother that way.' Big Brother is treating her like she's five. But she is acting like she's five.
Alex just waved his arse at Sam and Lateysha for no reason. He is a walking arse. Imagine if Laura had just done that, they would be baying for whore blood on Twitter. Yet the plank does it and everyone swoons. Kill me now.
Laura has found a manky bit of fudge and a used condom. WHY IS SHE SNIFFING IT? Whose is it?
Evelyn is covering up Chelsea's eye bags. I hope she's got a lot of makeup with her.
Why would anyone use a face mask in the Big Brother house? Jackson is remembering cracking onto Evelyn back in the day. How romantic.
Ryan has the all seeing eye tattooed on his hand. Do you think he's a truther? LOL Hughie just said Ryan was shit at giving blowies. Ryan: 'Whipped!' Hughie: 'Not by you.' Ha. Ryan is soooo lucky Hughie is in there, as Hughie makes Ryan bearable. His contrived DRs are only barely watchable.
God, this episode has been crap, and I also don't care who gets evicted, so it really is a lose/ lose.
Aw, Charlie crying at chants to get her out. That's sad, she's not that bad. Chelsea is way worse.
Charlie is out! They never even got to show it on the screens. Jason looking all sad! Motherfucker. At least she'll get over him now. It makes no sense, Chelsea and Jason are complete cunts, Charlie is alright. Aw, they're going to show her his nom in the interview.
Oooh she did blank him on her way out! Good girl. Fuck him, sausage fingered prick.
Charlie mentions 24 hours in a day. Standard. Editing. Check.
Emma gleefully showing the noms. All Charlie's noms were Jason-related.
I liked Charlie putting Jason on blast. Why are the crowd piping up? STFU. At least we don't have to sit through this boring manufactured storyline anymore.
Emma defending Jason by saying he just wants to be liked. No, he just wants to look good. There's a difference.
I feel sorry for Charlie that her whole storyline was Jason because he's not that interesting, but also, neither is she. Substandard housemates.
That was such a boring episode which equates to a boring blog. Don't blame me, blame Endemol. BRING ON THE ANNIHILATION.

Big Brother UK 2016: What's a beer garden?

Recently been stoned to death? Thrown off a building for playing a prank in the Big Brother? Meet Andy, who really cares (about getting airtime). Tearing a strip off the cute LGBT kids in the house for mucking about cos HIS nose was out of joint because his rat faced boyfriend proposed and he wanted the limelight firmly on him. His rent-a-outrage was concluded with a fake chat with himself in the garden, safe in the knowledge that the Great Idiot British Public is firmly behind him. Little does he know, we're all team Hughie. Hughie shouts more sense in three seconds than Andy does in all his mock-horrified handwringing DRs put together. STONED TO DEATH. I wish.
ALSO your winner Alex. I said a week ago whenever this cunt speaks, it's always something nasty and sexist that comes out of his horrible, arrogant mouth. Also, those flip flops and sandals. EEK.
As for all these ex boyfriends/ current flings in the BB house thanks to this loyalty points crapola, I haven't seen Big Brother jump the shark so much since it last jumped the shark, probably five minutes ago.
I love Ryan and Hughie. I think they should get REALLY engaged like STRAIGHT PEOPLE can do without Andy's pre-judgement. They would do a great magazine deal.
They are pretending it's Lateysha's birthday. Andy is going to get outraged for all the people whose real birthday it is today.
Andy says Hughie won't let things go, and he's set to have some irritating conversations. Andy is fed up with the pranks. What a sourpuss.
Hughie: 'What's a beer garden?' Weeeeellll.
Jackson: 'Don't nominate me cos I'm the only one with baccy.' Evict him and he'll leave it behind.
Why does Evelyn think Alex is better looking than her?
Emma is eating some toast. Legacy. Her arse looks quite good actually.
Ryan has busted out of the toilet to get some fags. He'll prob come back with a pack of Silk Cut. He probably thought he'd be evicted first week. I did too, I couldn't fucking stand him. Andy has cigarettes left, I note. He was obviously playing the long game. I love a cigarette row on BB. OLD SKOOL.
Jason has noticed a 'divide'. Gameplanner!
NOMS. Lateysha did Chelthea over pancakegate. Don't blame her. And Jason for being a gameplayer, lol.
Sam nommed Chelthea for 'going from person to person licking arses.' Thanks for that mental image. And Ryan (but not Hughie, I note.)
Jackson nommed Emma for turning round for He-Man and for Charlie for 'causing a divide'. Jason's words!
Ryan nommed Chelthea and Andy for 'causing carnage out of nowhere'. Mocking 'the community', ha.
Musical chairs without music is just chairs.
Andy is apologising in the middle of noms, hahaha. Bad noms day protocol.
Hughie nommed Andy for 'STONED TO DEATH' gate and Chelthea for bragging about money.
Emma nommed Jackson for being aggressive (true) and Jayne for some reason to do with positivity.
Alex is nomming Charlie (because Jason told it to) and Emma because her boyfriend He-Man is bigger than him and it made his cock shrink.
Evelyn nominated Chelthea for mixing/ flattery (he needs to do this a bit more subtly) and Jason for being a gameplanning pedal bin-kicking gimp.
Jason working out 'bribery blackmail, kidnap, violence to stay in.' Bhahaha. All the men together; knobends.
Charlie nominated Emma for loyalty point. weird boyfriend stuff and Laura (still doesn't nominate Jason!)
Chelthea nommed Jayne (standard) and Evelyn cos she can't talk about technology or astronomy. Sorry, Professor Brriiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaannnnn Cox wasn't available to be a civilian BB housemate.
Jayne nommed Chelthea and Jason. The divide is real!
Andy is nomming Hughie: 'Nothing to do with last night.' OK MATE. And Lateysha for saying he's sly. He makes Andy Herren the floater rat look straightforward.
Laura nominated Jackson for Bernardo-gate and Chelthea for relentless mixing.
Jason nommed Ryan for being negative and moaning. And Charlie for 'her sanity and his sanity.' We thought he'd never do it! He wants it to be shown. Squeezing a tear out. Great strategy. I think kicking the pedal bin was the final straw.
Why were noms so late this week? I wonder if it will be a double?
Up are Emma, Jason, Chelthea and Charlie. Ooh, that's cool. I don't care who goes out of those (I know Emma has already gone). I want Chelthea to stay, so he will probably go. I would love to see Jason go.
How the fuck did Andy escape noms? Why is Jayne not up?
Jason 'saw it coming' but Charlie never nommed him so she retains the moral high ground. LOSER. Gameplanner.
Alex doesn't like Evelyn and gulped. Ha. I don't see why not.
I only just noticed Charlie's back tattoo. Gadzooks. Charlie would love to have Jason's child. But she'll have to kill the dog first. OMG poor Jason. She will not let it lie. Haaaaa. Good memories though, like that meat feast pizza they had.
Alex doesn't see Evelyn in 'the bigger picture' but will sling one up her. Prince charming, SWOON.
Jackson so aggressive to the drippy twin. Hughie: 'In that pacific moment.'
How the fuck did Emma get thrown out for that? We've never SEEN HER BREAK OUT BEFORE. Emma: 'I'm sorry I've broken the rules.' WHAT RULES? WHAT RULLLLLEEEESSS?????
The rulebook is like a choose your own adventure story. Oh sorry, you died. Better luck next time.

Big Brother UK 2016: It's only a pancake

Pancake slay

Is this still on? And you're still watching? And still reading this? And I'm writing it? Madness.
'Evelyn, Jayne and Andy survived the public vote.' WEAK housemates!
HAHA Jackson wants to propose to Georgina as he exits the house. 'Give me the ring'. Buy your own ring. Getting proposed to on Big Brother is right up there with being proposed to on Jeremy Kyle.
Charlie is pining for the days when she used to wear Jason's shirts in bed. So that IS a thing. Who knew? Evelyn, obviously.
Hughie vs Andy! DING DING. Andy: 'The public know I'm not a snake.' Don't speak for the public, Andy.
Hughie: 'There's no such thing as a wrong opinion.' Untrue. 'You're a story carrier!' True. Andy: 'I'm a 33 year old man, I don't need your advice.' People who quote their ages in arguments = instant lose.
Hughie digging out Andy in front of the group was hilarity. 'You're a liar and a story carrier.' (Funnier the second time round). I love 'story carrier'. I love 'trouble riser'. I love Hughie. OMG a 'news carrier.' Haha - I love this, especially as Andy is a former journalist. Brilliant.
OMG naked Jackson! Yes. There's not been enough naked housemate action this year. More arse, please. Ooh, he's splashing Evelyn over the top of the showers. PROPOSAL CANCELLED.
Hughie's going in the POO-EL. I love the way Hughie pronounces everything. Any Hughie airtime is magic. Everyone else is a prick.
Andy in DR moaning about Hughie: 'Of course I don't like being in the middle of bad situations.' LOL. Also, 'it's nice not to have Georgina here whining and moaning. Georgina wants Jackson to be someone else. That's not love. I bet there's a part of him that's relieved she's gone.' Nice. What a nice man Andy is. Cut to Jackson throwing Evelyn on the bed. Weeeeelll, they're only messing. It won't fly with Princess Jasmine aka Georgina, though. Still, Andy, STFU.
A task is happening. Balloons. Sam reading books looking for 'enigmatic'. Andy listing words. What the fuck is going on? Bring on the electric shock suits. Counting clocks. Blinking. They've literally spent 2p on this. Oh my friend Arif just told me the task is impossible to pass. So how do they pass? There is literally nothing at stake. I really must pay attention at the start of tasks. Or they should just flash up 'BUT THE REAL TASK IS.'
Hughie battling with the feathers: 'This room smells like somebody died in it.' Several chickens, by the looks of things. Hughie: 'I look like a fucking chicken.'
Emma is feeling horny. TMI.
Every time Alex does speak (once a week), it's nothing particularly pleasant, have you noticed? It's always got a bit of a whiff of sexism/ narcissism which is not a winning combination (see Danny Wisker for more details) .
Jayne's motto is 'what you don't know can't trouble you.' She's not wrong. Andy thinks otherwise but later sought Jane out and said he was 'taking on board' (t.m. Callum from the eco year) what Jayne said. Brilliant. He even smiled!
Sam is moaning in the DR because Ryan is more entertaining than him. Not hard, even Emma is more entertaining than him.
Andy: 'Is Georgina perfect for you? No. But it's none of my business.' EVERYTHING is Andy's business. EVERYTHING.
Fair play to Lateysha letting it all hang out on the garden in her bikini. More naked jacuzzi housematesness, please.
Hughie finds Andy sinister. I think the word you're looking for is sssssssnake. Or arsehole.
Charlie is telling the others she fucked Jason a WEEK before she went in the house. Ha. I feel like we already knew that somehow. Is that one from the Mail Online?
Pancakegate. Not as catchy as placentagate. Although more tasty, right? Chelsea is angry about people cooking at midnight. Has he never heard of a midnight feast?
Andy and Sam are bonding over being gay by being homophobic. 'Sterotypical gay' klaxon.
Ryan looks like he's having a good laugh. 'Let's go bed and give everyone head.' Better than carping, isn't it?
There's a title here, something to do with pancake batter, but I can't quite get to it.
Chelsea is moaning about the pancakes being too thick. He's just trying to have a 'converthation.' Sam just said, 'It's only a pancake.' Ha. Nice. Apparently it's more than a pancake. Chelsea is being an aggressive dick and taking the mick out of Lateysha's accent. What's the problem? Battered as a child or something (nearly a joke there).
'Fucking pancakes, fuck off' cracked me up for some reason. 'Gangster pancake!' someone just said. I can feel a GIF coming on. I want to call this blog 'a load of old crepe' but that would be wholesale stolen from Adam Buxton so I'll resist.
It's Hughie's birthday! I loved the row between him and Ryan, hilarious. Lucky they're both gay so there can't be any allegations of sexual harrassment. Well there could be, but they both give as good as they get. Most any other housemates and that would have ended in tears. Yet I can see these I two in a splosh porno. And cheers to that.