Wednesday, 25 January 2017

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I don't have enough phlegm for you

Your mum
Jedward have trashed the store room. I love Coleen's disgust. I mean, they could clean it up. But, you know, they're Jedward. Their mum normally does that for them.
Stacy: 'Hey, Jedwards, you need to clean the store room.' Jedward look non-plussed. I seem to remember them making a lot of mess in their first series and bugging the crap out of everyone.
Yas they're giving it back to Nicola: 'You turned the light on!' 'Only because you were just about to.' Um.
Coleen: 'They're knobheads.' You're a miserable lump. I love Jedward winding Nicola up. 'We can hear you, we're not deaf. These walls are paperthin.' So's Nicola's popularity. One Jedward looks less keen on yelling back at Nicola. The other is undeterred.
Ooh, Big Brother's Bit on the Inside (not as good as Bit on the Snide). Nicola 'used to be a glamour model but is now a wife and mother.' Those are not celeb credentials.
I love Spencer's crab eyes when asked a question about James C. Heidi is trying to be diplomatic. I like James C shaking their hands. He went higher!
Kim: 'Is your game below the belt at times?' to Speidi for saying Kim stank! Lol. Spencer did a 'spit and gag combination.' Goodness me. He denies all, citing the rulebook and denying 'doing a Dennis' with the statement 'I don't even have enough phlegm for you.' Ewww.
Lol James C and Calum getting called out for being fencesitters. Calum is a 'people pleaser' ie. card-carrying fanny rat. And that card is from the GUM clinic.
Ooh they are showing clips of Coleen bitching! Eep. Spencer: 'Two faced bitch.' Hahaha. Showing James C saying 'bite your fucking nose off' too. Haha. Speidi took that quite well... for now. I liked James C cuddling Heidi and Spencer going, 'Watch your nose.' He's on form tonight! I'm surprised he didn't take more umbridge at that. Probably too scared.
Ooh James and Bianca are under the grill about their romance. Is it just a holiday romance ie. Big Brother Brain? Yes.
Nicola's face when they played that clip of the 'secret code'. Bianca visibly gulped.
It's taking Jamie a while to twig about the secret code, I think. Jamie: 'You did say you were single.' Ouch. I feel sorry for Bianca! She's sweet. I suppose we needed another woman to slutshame this week, right?
Spencer is demanding to speak to his lawyer as Kim is libelling him saying he's spat on her. 'You need to get that footage of me not spitting on her.' How are they going to get that?!
Bianca doesn't have to justify herself to these muppets. Jamie is trying to grab the opportunity to look like Mr Innocent with both hands. 'She's come in here and binned her fella after two weeks.' Hopefully she'll bin you after two weeks, too, dopey-drawers.
Bianca is now crying in the DR cos Big Brother are big meanies. Who cares about her outside boyfriend? She obviously has terrible taste in men. He's probably a twat, too.
Jamie stroking his beard, pretending he cares. Bianca's boobs look amazing today. I like her outfit.
Jamie didn't come into the house to 'crack on with a bird.' No, he respects women far too much for that, fucking little goblin/ hobbit/ piece of shit.
Jamie: 'You can't be wishy washy, you're either in or you're out. I really like you. You should have said, this is the sitch.' The sitch? Go die.
Ooh, nominations! The housemates have to nominate one person each. There are some other rules, involving picking a card, but I got confused.
Speidi nominated Kim, Nicola nominated Jedward, Jedward nominated Bianca for her dating status! They shouldn't be allowed to slutshame in their nom, it's got nothing to do with them.
Oh, Jessica selected a Joker card which means she can't nominate. Good, she's not even a housemate as far as I'm concerned. She even ruined the live feed by being so criminally dull.
Calum got to save someone and he chose Coleen! I'm glad he chose her and not Jamie. Ugh, then Bianca saved Jamie. Fuck that. I hope she goes in his place then.
Kim got the Joker so can't nom. I don't like the random nature of this. I did like Spencer laughing at Kim and her going 'You're quite mental aren't you?' to him. She delivered the line so beautifully.
Coleen nominated Jessica (yes). James C got the Joker.
So neither Jamie, Nicola or Calum are up! Up are Bianca, Jessica, Jedward, Kim and Speidi. Jessica or Bianca to go then.
Kim's getting sloshed! Yesssss. 'It doesn't taste a bit like booze... I could have a load of that.' Line 'em up!
Calum is surprised to not be up for eviction. You and me both, bitch.
Spencer congratulating Jamie on not being evicted sooner, haha.
Kim is binge drinking and now starting on Spencer. Spencer: 'You're not getting a scene out of me.' Haha. Heidi grassing to Big Brother, what a pussy. Ha, Kim is starting on James C now. I love it. Give Kim more drink!
Kim has ruffled Speidi's feathers. Oh God, not more door opening and closing. Lol at Kim calling Spencer a 'mental midget'. Is he short?
I love Kim's red top and sunglasses, tres chic. Ooh, Kim is gonna tear a strip off Big Brother now.
'Do not do this to me! You are making a fool out of me with this young twerp! That rotten young pig that he is.' More DR rants for Kim, please.
Lol, I just noticed Jamie's tattoo: 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Cringebag. Bianca's drunk again. Jamie wants to go and sleep in someone else's bed. Try Jedward's.
Save Speidward (again!)


E said...

Love your Kim quotes--epic!

I need to look up "grassing," that is a Britishism I don't know.

Sigh. Making fun of Jamie (and Callum) is becoming too easy. Both bores now "love to hate" status!

Great blog, funny as usual.


Kim A.K.A. n.k. said...

Well,well,well,luvvies! I told you so Im here their not,that pig Spencer got his comeuppence in no uncertain terms,this is for all my fans out there,fuck you Aggie! I see that virgin Mary has gone A.W.O.L. the last couple of days,she will be getting lit up when I get hold of her little minx.Anyway Lyndsey I will do all in my considerable power to get rid of the spud faced nipper before my coronation, we all know he Is A cad and A bounder and A paint brush head with the handle snapped off!