|Hair and scare|
So I know someone has been evicted already but I've avoided spoilers! Go me. But also, fuck you, Big Brother for not doing it live and ruining it for so many people. They never learn.
Fuck me, what does Calum Best smell of? I think he should bring out an aftershave called 'Inexplicable'. All the women love him! He's gross. I don't get it! It's not just that he's got a face like a potato, it's this fake nice guy, 'reformed lothario', retired fanny rat bullshit when we all know the second he gets out the house he's gonna be balls deep in whatever fanny's nearest.
Kim's career advice to Chloe: 'Don't stand on a corner and say £20 for a blowjob. If you're going to sell your body, go to an escort agency.' She thinks the Geordie Shore house is a brothel. Weeeellll.
So now three people get to escape from Hell. It's gotta be Speidi. If Speidi go on this twist, fuck all y'all. Ooh, they get to eliminate each other if they get a question right, like on 15 to 1.
Spencer still annoyed James C got called a dreamboat, apparently.
I love Stacy wreaking revenge on Jasmine. She fucked Austin, and next she's gonna fuck Jasmine. Bhahahaha!
Oh, so the housemates have to all agree on who must never return. Bet they go for James C. Easy target. They haven't got the balls to go after Speidi. They won't go after Calum Best for obvious reasons. Jasmine... at a push. Let's pray it's Jasmine. Oh, surely not Stacy? They better not.
Nah, deffo James C. Easy target. The 'he wants to go' defence.
Stacy: 'I'm as fake as your face' to Jasmine, lol. Ooh so it's between Speidi, Jasmine and James C. Please let it be Jasmine, she's useless and a cunt. They could have swapped one of the others out. Choosing between three is rough. I don't like the random nature of this. I don't like the random way the housemates were chosen, or battled out. It's like when they spun that fucking wheel to evict someone. NOT COOL. That's not what we signed up for. Mind you, I think we signed up with Channel 4, not Channel 5, so I'm not sure those terms and conditions apply.
Why's Geordie Shore wearing Frank Butcher's glasses? Poor James C stuck in Hell with Jasmine. Oh, not for long. Now the housemates get to evict.
Who goes? The housemates decide. It better not be Speidi. It better not. I'm gonna FLIP. If they were smart, they'd evict Speidi. But I'm pretty sure Speidi's contract is water tight (get it? Water? Never mind).
The housemates are deliberating. They are all going 'on the one hand...' blah and 'on the other hand' blah. Classic BB.
This is like when they did that vote between Kelsey and Loveta on BBCAN but this is better.
I love it when Spencer calls people 'm'dear.' He's not been doing it so much lately. HUNDO it's in Speidi's contract that they can't be evicted like this. Fuck this. They aint going out like that, they aint going out like that (they aint going out!)
Bet Calum never stuck up for Jasmine. Probably wants her out the way so he can keep pretending to be a born again virgin. I'm so glad I don't know the result cos I actually feel tense. Don't send James C out like that! Get rid of Jasmine!
Ooh, they have to open a door and one leads to the outside world! That's a cool spin on it.
Spencer and Heidi look shit scared! I bet Spencer's glad he was nice to people for about five minutes this series. Ooh they're saved. Good! That's what a good lawyer will do for you.
They should have all opened at the same time! More tense.
OMG Jasmine has gone! I guess that's what you get for not bothering to endear yourself to the other housemates except for one who you're looking to fuck. Everyone knows it's all about the numbers. This one's for Casey Batchelor!
LOL James C looks pissed off to be staying. Hilarity. I'm glad the housemates did the right thing. I didn't have much faith in them.
The others are all justifying evicting Jasmine. She would have only got booed for having a vagina anyway. Kim is arguing with Nicola. 'Gang-handed' I like. That sounds like fun. What is up with Kim! She's a volcano. She's having a go at EVERYONE.
Is James rattled by Kim? I think he's more annoyed by her. She's his new Busey. James J works best with an OAP nemisis.
James C said it's nice to get saved, aww. I love James C! So cute. Dreamboat! He needs to make it to the final now. Ted has tried to get rid of him twice now! I see you, BB producers. James C dodged both bullets.
James Jordan to Spencer: 'This house has changed.' Yes, there are now crappy, cut-price housemates and no Austin. They thought Austin drank a lot until them met Chloe.
Ooh, Spencer is winding James J up about what Calum was saying in Hell! Yes, he's still got it. I've still got faith in Speidi. They're just on a low setting this year.
James C: 'I nearly walked into the wall cos I was ready to go.' Haha. I'm glad James was touched. He's in a new kind of Hell now.
Ah, Chloe is jumping in Jasmine's grave, quick smart! These bitches have replaceable heads as far as Calum's concerned.
I don't think Chloe really fancies father-of-one-but-he-never-mentions-it Calum. I think she's just reading it off a cue card. Hold on, she can't read. She must have an ear piece in then.
Spencer's face trying to understand Chloe. Then encouraging her to go for Calum! Haha. Good work!
Ooh and Jessica is flirting with Calum in the garden. There's not enough Calum to go round in that house. Chop the cunt up, let everyone have a piece.
Apparently Jessica is loud. I've barely heard her say anything. She's grasping for a storyline, but no joy.
I thought they were going to kick one of the new lot out. Get on with it! And make it two. Or three.
No one seems that sad Jasmine's gone.
Coleen: 'Calum's not interested in any of us.' ANY OF US. Hahahahaaaaaa. Oh, Coleen.
Chloe on Calum's lap trying to kiss her, awkward. His girlfriend only got evicted today! I say girlfriend. I love the shot of Calum's hand on Chloe's arse. The camera man knows what's up!
Chloe: 'Let's take it slow' to Calum. Calum is wishing his mummy was still there to save him.
Stacy angry because she knew Calum ten days before and fancied him then. Read that back and see how ridiculous it really sounds. Stacy, Coleen, Jasmine, Jessica AND Chloe ALL FANCY CALUM. And Calum fancies Calum (thanks to Jemima_80 on Twitter for adding Calum to that list as I'd missed him out.)
Not very good acting from that maggot Chloe there having a fake strop. Really crap. In her bra. Michael Jackson in a bra. I can see why Calum's not interested, to be honest. Coleen is a more appealing prospect, by a mile.
Seriously, if all Big Brother has got for us from now on is Calum Best, pussy magnet, and Kim shouting at people, I'M OUT. I'm half wishing Jasmine had stayed to put this Geordie gargoyle straight. Seriously, you are testing my patience, Big Bro. I enjoyed the doors thing, but that could easily have been another huge upset if the housemates had used their brains and evicted Speidi.
BTW I did do a new podcast which covered the weekend's events, so if you're audibly-inclined, listen here. Cheers!