Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Washed up and shipped out

Televised tweet of the week

Hi there! I hate the fact there are already spoilers about the 'shock' eviction. Either do it live, or don't bloody do it. Why should people have to hide from Twitter and the online papers all day? Sucks so much. Luckily, I'm adept at spoiler dodging. I just put one hand over my eye like Nicola during an argument.
I love Calum and Coleen trying to be Jedward now with the water fights etc. Nice try, losers.
Kim: 'Love and lust! Two different things. Every wrinkle tells a dirty tale. They couldn't publish my life story, it'd be far too mucky. It should be called The Temptress. It should start, 'dig me deep, I'm a long bodied woman...' Ooh, lovey. What masterful diary rooming.
Why is Bianca going to Coleen for advice, when John McCruick already said she's crap to go to for advice? Bianca doesn't know whether to 'pull away' from Jamie. That's what he'll be doing during sexy times with no condoms in the mix.
Jedward are 'going commando for easy access to their junk.' Good to know.
Jamie thinks Calum's opinion is 'irrelevant.' 'We spoke about it, then put it to bed, like men do.' Fuck you, sexist prick.
Ooh, the police are showing them tweets now in the 'interrogation room'. This will fuck up their day. They are playing Bianca someone having a go at her on a tape recorder. What decade is this?
They are showing someone calling Kim a 'horrible old witch.' Fuck that person. Kim is God. Kim respects the twit's opinion. I love Kim flirting with the copper.
Kim: I don't regret a thing in here I've done or said.' LOL at her stroking the copper's beard.
Jedward's synchronised eating when Coleen is getting her grilling for bitching.
I love James C saying the rude tweet was from his agent. 'A boring old man', that's a bit harsh. 'People need to stop worshipping him'. True.
OMG the Calum tweet is by someone I know off Twitter! Why can't it be my tweeeeeeetttt! His tweet is SO FUCKING GOOD, though. So true. So, so true. 'Dull as fuck, arrogant as fuck...' 
Calum will take all of it. 'LJ815... you my friend can suck a dick.' We all like sucking dicks, don't we, lovey? It's not really an insult, as sucking dicks is fun for all concerned in general, so STFU Calum.
Ooh I know the person who did the negative Jedward tweet too! I'm well jel now. Why not my tweets, BB? I think I might be friends with everyone who hashtags CBB on Twitter cos I think hardly anyone watches Big Brother. Why is Coleen calling Jedward two faced? They are just mucking about.
I like this tweet blaming Nicola for people leaving, haha.
I don't really get that tweet calling Jamie a snake, as he hadn't acted like a snake, just a dickhead. Misleading tweet. 'Bianca would be a massive catch for me.' What is she, a mermaid? 'You're a bellend. If you don't like it, fuck off.' No, you fuck off, maggot.
I like to think they did read out my tweets to someone, they just never showed it. I'll tell myself that.
Jamie is now grassing to Calum that Nicola just said Calum's 'not real'. Grass. The nerd herd are a-turning on each other!
Coleen is bitter than Jedward didn't 'take in' the mean tweets. Why should they? Also, Tara Reid took the time to get to know them. So something got through to them then.
Jedward on the trolls: 'If we went to their house I bet you'd find a 'I love Jedward tshirt'. I love them both sipping their tea together.
Last part of the Judgement day task. Vanessa is back to send someone DOWWWWWNNN.
When she called Jamie's name my heart soared. It was just delicious. He's 'guilty as charged.' What's the charge? Being a washed up footballer?
OMG! Jamie is a goner! Not even a goodbye! LOLLLLLLLL! That was fucking amazing. I loved the music, I loved everyone's faces, I loved the handcuffs, the whole thing was just magic. TAKE HIM AWAY! Calum's face was a picture. Bianca just looked gormless as usual. No goodbyes. Just 'he's going in another room.' No, he's not. No secret rooms this year. And we thought Austin got the shaft with his eviction.
The other housemates still don't think he's gone. Ha, it now says 'ex housemate' on the wall.
James C: 'It would be Jedward or Kim they would fake evict.' I like the fact Kim pulled him up on that.
Big Brother is telling Bianca in the DR that he's really gone. He doesn't even get a crowd!
Coleen doesn't understand why Kim stayed over Jamie. Cos Kim is entertaining as fuck and Jamie is a weasel.
Calum is definitely secretly enjoying it as Nicola packs up Jamie's velveteen jackets. Why is Nicola packing his things and not Bonka? Bianca is blaming herself. Don't slut shame yourself. The public spoke.
Jedward think Bianca should be 'bawling her eyes out' haha. Love it. They are more emotional and James C is about Jamie going.
Ooh, Kim is taking on James C, bring it! She's like the antidote to him because she SAYS it. He doesn't say it. James C is looking at her like she's nuts.
I like the look of a Jedward all wet look. I do not like Calum's loafers with no socks.
Kim 'is having a catch up' with Nicola. 'You puzzle me... when do you bury the hatchet?' I admire Kim!
'There's a deep sadness in you' to Nicola. 'You're a lost soul.' Nicola: 'I have some issues.' Shame that conversation didn't end with a fistfight.
Calum's annoyed because Jedward are singing in the bedroom. Calum: 'I just want the fucking show to end. I'll kill everyone. Fact.'
I liked Coleen calling him 'grumpy bollocks.' Calum says people don't know what's important in the house... like sleep. Zzzz. Boring twat.
Kim wants to win! 'I won't put an act on to win, though.' Yes. I love her calling Nicola brazen for saying she or Jedward should have left. It is rude!
Jedward are singing in high pitched voices in the kitchen. How can everyone sleep with all those lights on? No wonder Calum's grumpy. Where does James C sleep? In the smoking area?
One Jedward immediately blamed the other, haha. Calum: 'I'm begging you', grabbing his crotch.
Calum's tattoos are disgusting. I love Jedward giving it back to Calum. 'We respect you, you are right because in your head you're right.'
Bianca and Nicola are saying NOTHING. 
Calum: 'No you don't respect me because you want to argue with me.' He's SHOUTING. He's so angry these days! His game is falling to pieces.
Jedward: 'You came out here to have an argument.' True.
How come Calum is allowed to 'come at' Jedward like that? When Jedward aren't allowed to walk towards Nicola? The double standards are epic.
Jedward said it's 'ever since I nominated you', ha.
Calum: 'No respect, it's out of order... blah blah.'
Jedward: 'We've been rooting for him since day one. Sleep when you're dead.' Deadwood, in Calum's case. Ooh, it's vote to win now! Whoop!!
I'm leaning a bit more towards Kim to win now, but I'm going to vote for both Kim and Jedward.
That was a great episode: Jamie disposed of in a manner befiting him and Calum's personality cracks showing worse than his scalp. It's Kim or Jedward's to lose.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I don't have enough phlegm for you

Your mum

Jedward have trashed the store room. I love Coleen's disgust. I mean, they could clean it up. But, you know, they're Jedward. Their mum normally does that for them.
Stacy: 'Hey, Jedwards, you need to clean the store room.' Jedward look non-plussed. I seem to remember them making a lot of mess in their first series and bugging the crap out of everyone.
Yas they're giving it back to Nicola: 'You turned the light on!' 'Only because you were just about to.' Um.
Coleen: 'They're knobheads.' You're a miserable lump. I love Jedward winding Nicola up. 'We can hear you, we're not deaf. These walls are paperthin.' So's Nicola's popularity. One Jedward looks less keen on yelling back at Nicola. The other is undeterred.
Ooh, Big Brother's Bit on the Inside (not as good as Bit on the Snide). Nicola 'used to be a glamour model but is now a wife and mother.' Those are not celeb credentials.
I love Spencer's crab eyes when asked a question about James C. Heidi is trying to be diplomatic. I like James C shaking their hands. He went higher!
Kim: 'Is your game below the belt at times?' to Speidi for saying Kim stank! Lol. Spencer did a 'spit and gag combination.' Goodness me. He denies all, citing the rulebook and denying 'doing a Dennis' with the statement 'I don't even have enough phlegm for you.' Ewww.
Lol James C and Calum getting called out for being fencesitters. Calum is a 'people pleaser' ie. card-carrying fanny rat. And that card is from the GUM clinic.
Ooh they are showing clips of Coleen bitching! Eep. Spencer: 'Two faced bitch.' Hahaha. Showing James C saying 'bite your fucking nose off' too. Haha. Speidi took that quite well... for now. I liked James C cuddling Heidi and Spencer going, 'Watch your nose.' He's on form tonight! I'm surprised he didn't take more umbridge at that. Probably too scared.
Ooh James and Bianca are under the grill about their romance. Is it just a holiday romance ie. Big Brother Brain? Yes.
Nicola's face when they played that clip of the 'secret code'. Bianca visibly gulped.
It's taking Jamie a while to twig about the secret code, I think. Jamie: 'You did say you were single.' Ouch. I feel sorry for Bianca! She's sweet. I suppose we needed another woman to slutshame this week, right?
Spencer is demanding to speak to his lawyer as Kim is libelling him saying he's spat on her. 'You need to get that footage of me not spitting on her.' How are they going to get that?!
Bianca doesn't have to justify herself to these muppets. Jamie is trying to grab the opportunity to look like Mr Innocent with both hands. 'She's come in here and binned her fella after two weeks.' Hopefully she'll bin you after two weeks, too, dopey-drawers.
Bianca is now crying in the DR cos Big Brother are big meanies. Who cares about her outside boyfriend? She obviously has terrible taste in men. He's probably a twat, too.
Jamie stroking his beard, pretending he cares. Bianca's boobs look amazing today. I like her outfit.
Jamie didn't come into the house to 'crack on with a bird.' No, he respects women far too much for that, fucking little goblin/ hobbit/ piece of shit.
Jamie: 'You can't be wishy washy, you're either in or you're out. I really like you. You should have said, this is the sitch.' The sitch? Go die.
Ooh, nominations! The housemates have to nominate one person each. There are some other rules, involving picking a card, but I got confused.
Speidi nominated Kim, Nicola nominated Jedward, Jedward nominated Bianca for her dating status! They shouldn't be allowed to slutshame in their nom, it's got nothing to do with them.
Oh, Jessica selected a Joker card which means she can't nominate. Good, she's not even a housemate as far as I'm concerned. She even ruined the live feed by being so criminally dull.
Calum got to save someone and he chose Coleen! I'm glad he chose her and not Jamie. Ugh, then Bianca saved Jamie. Fuck that. I hope she goes in his place then.
Kim got the Joker so can't nom. I don't like the random nature of this. I did like Spencer laughing at Kim and her going 'You're quite mental aren't you?' to him. She delivered the line so beautifully.
Coleen nominated Jessica (yes). James C got the Joker.
So neither Jamie, Nicola or Calum are up! Up are Bianca, Jessica, Jedward, Kim and Speidi. Jessica or Bianca to go then.
Kim's getting sloshed! Yesssss. 'It doesn't taste a bit like booze... I could have a load of that.' Line 'em up!
Calum is surprised to not be up for eviction. You and me both, bitch.
Spencer congratulating Jamie on not being evicted sooner, haha.
Kim is binge drinking and now starting on Spencer. Spencer: 'You're not getting a scene out of me.' Haha. Heidi grassing to Big Brother, what a pussy. Ha, Kim is starting on James C now. I love it. Give Kim more drink!
Kim has ruffled Speidi's feathers. Oh God, not more door opening and closing. Lol at Kim calling Spencer a 'mental midget'. Is he short?
I love Kim's red top and sunglasses, tres chic. Ooh, Kim is gonna tear a strip off Big Brother now.
'Do not do this to me! You are making a fool out of me with this young twerp! That rotten young pig that he is.' More DR rants for Kim, please.
Lol, I just noticed Jamie's tattoo: 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' Cringebag. Bianca's drunk again. Jamie wants to go and sleep in someone else's bed. Try Jedward's.
Save Speidward (again!)

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Not a dream or a nightmare, this is reality

Fanny rat on the turn

Someone at work said to me today, 'How can Calum Best be so ugly when his parents were so beautiful?' Good question. The weirder part is how many people STILL find him attractive.
Not voting tonight cos there's too many people up and it's a Tuesday. LOTS of Nicola hate online today about the Kim/mum comment. I get it, but I also think people are just looking to take Nicola down over something. And now this has happened, they're delighted. Don't get me wrong, I do not like Nicola. But I thought she'd handled the Kim situation quite well until that point. Better than I would have done, anyway.
Spencer going 'blergh' in Coleen's face and saying, 'This is not a dream or a nightmare, this is reality.' Haha. Coleen is trying to set James C on Spencer. Spencer didn't 'pull the covers off her' nor scare her. She's hamming it up.
I would be annoyed with Stacy hiding food. If someone wants Nutella, why can't they just get it out the cupboard? Why does Stacy have to be food monitor? Bring back Austin and his water bottles and his shouting and his arse.
Calum thinks Coleen is milking the Spencer situation, as do I. I hate agreeing with Calum. Coleen: 'Spencer screamed in my face three times and no one said anything.' You say something, Coleen. Stick up for yourself! 'Screamed' is pushing it. He just went 'blergh.' Blergh is not screaming. Just ask Timmy Mallett. Spencer is growing his pube beard back again though, which I think should be vetoed. I can't believe Heidi allows it. Saw their arch nemisis 'Toadjerk' on CBBBOTS yesterday. Douche!
James C finds the 'feral catfight distasteful.' James is being a bit of a snob again. He looks like he should be put on suicide watch. SMILE, James. Enjoy your pass to the final. CBB is one long endurance task for him.
Can't believe Stacy is turning round James C saying he was violent back on him. Gross. He was confiding in her!
My brain switches off when Jessica speaks. Her rows with Stacy are mute button times. I don't care about either one of them, they're both in the wrong, and both muppets, and every second spent on them is seconds I'm not watching Speidi or Jedward and I hate them for it. Although Stacy did say 'gang handed' so she wins as far as I'm concerned.
Kim to Jedward: 'Do you think I'm going to spend the ten years I've got left dealing with shitbags?' Lol.
Jamie plans to 'get Bianca in his bed.' Gross. He's respectable and will 'treat her like a lady until he gets her out of there.' Grim. Then he's abuse her in a Travel lodge.
Jedward's Riddler jackets are tres chic.
Ugh, what are Bianca and Jamie doing in that toilet? 'Thie things I'm going to do to you when I get out of here.' Take your velveteen smoking jacket off for a start, pimp daddy. And make sure she's sober first. Good luck with that, though.
Jamie is not in the house to 'have a TV romance.' I think he just wants to shag a drunk Bianca.
Then they said 'I love you' to each other in bed. How many mini cans of gin and tonic was that after?
I love Jedward's pizza outfits. They are amazing. Nicola having a go at Jedward: fuck you, bitch.
What is Nicola's problem with them? Doesn't like them entertaining the public? SHE is the one who switched the light on full blast and went after them like a banshee! I like the person on Twitter @LucyAnnRed who said 'Nicola's eye has popped out again.' Tweet of the week.
Get who out? Crowd are quiet! Jamie got booed, woo! Jedward got booed and Jessica got cheers!? WTF. Nicola got some cheers! The crowd is like the exact opposite of my Twitter timeline.
Oh, Stacy got evicted, even with all that airtime! LOUDER doesn't mean safer. Well I'm amazed a black woman lasted this long in Brexit Britain. Who voted to save Jamie? Fuck you! Subjecting us to more slurping, ick.
What is going on with Stacy's hair? I don't like the slick look. I prefer her crazy curls. I'm not really liking her bottle green dress with her boobs bouncing out, either. Stacy should have made it to the finals, really. Oh well.
Emma finally has an opinion about something... and it's that she'd 'blow' if someone put her washing on the floor. I wouldn't give a fuck. It's going in the washing machine after.
Stacy: 'Is Kim senile?' Yes. I liked Stacy's joy at saying the word 'telly'. I liked her plug for herself at the end too, haha.
Well, that was a bit of a damp squib of an eviction, but it is a Tuesday, so what else are you gonna do? Suck it up, I guess. Speidward FTW.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Underwars

The H list

Hello there! Sorry no weekend blogs, I did do a podcast with my friend Gaz though, so check it out if you haven't already...
So Nicola has moved beds away from Speidi. Heidi just wants to be 'neutral' ie. just do what Spencer tells her. I thought Spencer was being a prick yesterday. You can't really say Speidi have turned up when they're being that petty to someone who was a friend to them. I did like Jedward in the ball pit though, and I especially liked Calum and Jamie being left out in the cold. Come back when you're a ten, boys.
I don't know why Nicola is having a go at Stacy about Speidi. She's 'no wallflower'! Why not say it to Speidi and NOT Stacy then?
Ooh, washing wars. Kim is putting Stacy's dirty undies on the floor. On my timehop today was about Stephanie Davies dirty knickers getting shown to the house, so it's obviously the time of year for it.
Kim did apologise to Stacy and said 'no offence meant' so I'm notquite sure why Stacy then went postal.
Stacy is an idiot kicking off on nomination day. 'Schizophrenic two personality bitch' is true about Kim, though. At least Kim is giving it back to her, calling Stacy a big mouth. Seriously, is it worth getting this upset about, lovey?
Kim isn't as fiery when not drunk. 'You'd make a wonderful town crier' was quite funny, though. 'Two tomatoes short of a salad.'
I love the fact Nicola came into the bedroom to watch the argument. I would, too. Heidi decides to make up with Nicola while it's kicking off with Stacy and Kim, ha. I wasn't sure which conversation to listen to! 'Let's just move forward.' No apology there. Did Spencer give her permission? Nicola was meek as a mouse there. Total wallflower!
Jamie going: 'I'm horny' to Bianca, grim. He's only interested in her in there, isn't he? Big Brother balls.
James C will not kick off at Speidi in the house as they're 'playing a game' but outside he'd 'bite his nose off.' Ha. 'Outside they wouldn't behave like that.' I think they would, actually.
Jessica is treating Calum 'like a piece of meat.' Offal.
Stacy is trying to get to the inner workings of James C. He's been violent in the past! Ooh. Interesting. This is like a real conversation, I'm amazed they aired it. James won't go back to being 'the old him'. I guess being that old you get some perspective.
Ooh, it's not face to face noms, but them playing noms on the screen! Ooh, anyone who gets one nom is up! Brill. I love both these things, cos the noms are more honest than face to face, and putting anyone with one nom up gets Speidi off the hook.
Speidi's nomination against Coleen/ James C is dumb as fuck. Coleen is 'spying' for James C.
Spencer: 'Nicola broke what's left of Speidi's CBB heart.' Boo and indeed hoo. Stop kissing arse and being understanding Nicola.
Coleen nominated Kim for being mental them being Snow White and Jedward for being 'bizarre'. Jedward have a nasty side 'IN THE BED.' OMG.
James C nominated Kim for 'condescending the younger housemates' and Jedward for 'excessive food consumption' and their 'continued performance which is irritating'. Haha.
Jedward nommed Stacy for screaming (fair point) and for making small things huge and Nicola. Ugh, is no one gonna nominate Jamie? UGH!
Nicola nominated Kim and Jedward for 'making her stressed.'
Jamie nominated Kim 'as he doesn't want to be seen that way' (as an adulterer, I guess). And Jessica as he feels awkward around her. Hopefully she'll go then.
Jessica nominated Stacy and Jamie! Thank God Jamie is up. I would LOVE for him to go.
Calum nominated Jedward and Kim. I liked Jedward saying 'we've got better hair'. Ooh, Calum is going to regret saying Jedward teamed up with Speidi in his nom. Spencer won't forget that.
Bianca nommed Kim and Jedward. Not the 'can't take any criticism' thing again. I have some criticism for you, Bianca. You're a lush with bad taste in men and you look stoned half the time. I'm not even convinced you like killer whales. Hope you can take that criticism OK.
Stacy nominated Jessica and Kim. Good, Jessica needs to go.
Kim nominated Stacy because Kim doesn't want to walk round on eggshells (lol) and Nicola/Nicole for the usual reasons. I want Speidi to team up with Kim against Nicola.
Kim won't tell Nicola what she's lied about. She doesn't have to say! I don't think there is anything, to be honest. Nicola: 'If you liked me, I'd be mortified.'
Kim: 'Be a woman and take it on the chin.' Kim is right, Nicola does want to do it in front of the whole group so she can look like the 'good person'.
So everyone was nommed apart from Calum, Bianca and James C (ie. the deadwood section).
I really hope Jamie goes now. Who would vote to save him!?
Woah, Nicola is really angry. Starting on a gran again. Nicola: 'I have never looked like an idiot in this house.' Er, OK then. Nicola is coming across an irrational harridan, showing off to try and win Speidi back. She's like the second in command school bully.
Kim: 'You're a mum, grow up.' Nicola: 'And you're not, and that's the problem.' Kim is actually, it's just her baby was stillborn. Sensitivity not Nicola's strong point, there. She will go lower... true. I don't think there is any lower than that, to be honest.
James C in the DR moaning that Speidi aren't too bright. I don't think that's true. They are 'professional reality people' though. Just like Calum.
Spencer trying to wind Coleen up about only her sister voting for her, haha.
Spencer to Coleen: 'Your acting sucks, lucky you're a host of some panel show.'
OMG Spencer saying James C isn't 'A list' 'Braveheart was in 97.' His 'own men killed him on Game of Thrones'. That's BRILLIANT! 'They stabbed him straight in the face.' Spoiler! Ooh, Spencer is giving Coleen evils! Spencer is drunk. In fact, everyone is drunk as fuck. Speidi are even having a group hug with Nicola now. Spencer: 'It's a compliment to you that we acted so badly.' That is twisted logic. Speidi: 'We need help.' True.
Speidi have a new target now... Coleen (and James C!)
Coleen calling Spencer talentless. Spencer has a natural charisma that Coleen doesn't have. Heidi is dressed like a middle aged housewife today, her jeans are too high up and she's got a Deirdre Barlow roll neck on.
So have Speidi got nastier since they were eternally nominated? Are they going the full Helen Wood? I'm just glad to see them bitching at last. Save Speidi and Jedward!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Trying to take down Bambi

Womb people

They fucking love pressing buttons in Big Brother, don't they? All around the world, Big Brother contestants press buttons. Derrick, Luke S, Ika, Dan Gheesling, Jason Burrill... even Nicola McClean is an old hand at it.
Ooh Emma's pink lipstick looks divine. I don't mind her hair or coat either. Still not a fan of the rapist gloves, but I'll give her a pass for now.
Ooh are there 'who's on the block' spoilers depending on who's dressed up tonight, ala BBUS? I have avoided seeing who's on the block cos I want to enjoy the button pushing in all its glory.
Coleen and James C in the old codgers corner. James: 'Don't, don't' at the thought of Jedward's lapdance. Hold on, Coleen didn't Coleen a lapdance for Calum! Hypocrite. Chloe is everything Coleen doesn't want her daughter to be. Well, fair enough.
Chloe is wrapped in a blanket that looks like a furry pink vagina. Picking her nose in the diary room: a new low.
Jedward annoying Nicola and saying 'is it your time of the month?' That's not going to go well.
Bianca likes Jamie, eww. What for?!
Chloe can barely speak. 'Have you ever been to Ibiza before?' to James C. His face tells me not. I guess Borehamwood swimming pool isn't as warm as San Antonio.
I do sympathise with James C but he's coming off a bit snooty now, what with refusing the costume and sneering at Chloe. It's too easy to sneer at Chloe: believe me, I know. But it's a trap Big Brother has set us.
Ha, Stacy and Bianca are telling Chloe off for being 'on Calum' last night. Can't Calum speak for himself. Is he incapable of saying no? Now cuddling her! MIXED MESSAGES. Calum is such a vagina tease. No, 'fanny tease' works better.
OK so here's the button pushing. If you push the button before your sidekick, you're safe. If neither push, you're both safe. If you lose, you're on the block.
EVERYONE is gonna push it, unless they wanna go home. We know Nicola can push a button quick. Quicker than two Jedward. 'Save save save' and 'Me me me' not as good as 'shred shred shred'.
Speidi AND Bianca didn't press! Aw!
Ooh, Kim vs Calum! I know Kim's up! Boo. Ooh, Kim didn't even press. Good gaming! Typical selfish fanny rat Calum.
I like James's fake pressing of it. Ooh, Jessica didn't press either. James wants to go! Denied.
Jamie vs Coleen! Will they press? How much conferring time did they get? Coleen didn't push and Jamie did! Shit.
Nicola: 'Coleen won't take it personal.' James: 'Oh, she will.' Lol.
Stacy, press the button! She pressed it HARD! Haha.
Up for eviction is Chloe, Kim, Coleen and Jedward! Hope Jedward is safe. I also hope Kim is safe. I don't think Coleen deserves to go. Chloe should go.
Jedward are getting more cheers than previously. I LOVE their glittery jackets.
Stacy apologising for pressing the button to Chloe. Who cares? Chloe doesn't count. Just ask James C.
So Stacy is getting moaned at for pressing but Calum gets a pass? Pft. What about Jamie? He pressed too. Seems like it's fine for the guys to push buttons but not girls. Ooh, James C is calling Jamie a rat. Love it!
Calum: 'I have no loyalty to Kim.' He has no loyalty... ever.
Stacy shouting at Jedward is good for their game when the phonelines are open. Jedward are the house punching bag.
Ooh Bianca has a boyfriend outside by the look of things! Stephanie Davis times. Imagine leaving your boyfriend for Jamie. Yick.
Jedward: I've not seen so much guyliner since John James was in the house. They don't think Stacy is allowed an opinion because she doesn't have a single out. 'It's like trying to take down Bambi.' Should Jedward be referring to THEMSELVES as Bambi? That's pretty weird.
Claum flashing his arse at Stacy. He's such a slut.
Jessica's accent is horrendous. I can't bear it. WHY are we not seeing more of Speidi?! I'm mad.
Oh God, Stacy vs Jessica again. Why is Jessica not up so we can get rid of her? Even her own mother wouldn't save her.
Now instead of one upping childhoods, they're one upping bad times in the BB bungalow.
Ooh Coleen saying Jessica is full of shit, ha. Love it.
Calum's jacket with the lips on is non-stop eek.
They didn't push a 'buzzer' they pushed a 'button'. Where are the electric shock suits? We've had the fish guts. Electric shock suits are better. Except James C won't wear his.
I really hope Chloe goes. Some hope, right.
Kind of explains why Bianca is so quiet if she has a boyfriend. Her and Jamie are future planning. Dubai, but first stop, magazine deal. All these scummy celebrities to to Dubai, don't they? I wouldn't go to Dubai if you paid me.
Calum appears to be rubbing something on Chloe's boobs.
God, it's so bright in that bedroom. Calum: 'Think about your careers' to Jamie and Bianca under the covers. What careers? What's your career?!
Ooh here we go. Jedward doing their Twitter shout outs, lol. That's so BBUS.
Ooh they are telling them who got the MOST votes. And it's COLEEN. WTF! That's gonna throw the cat among the pigeons. That is random. Who is voting this year? Must be oldies voting for James C and Coleen. I'm glad they told the house that, though.
Anddddd we're back.
So one housemate gets eternal immunity (Helen Wood) and one gets eternal nominations (Bear).
Jedward have different hairdos! OMG it's Chloe! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I love you. Finally you see sense.
I actually don't mind her rubbery catsuit. The only bad thing about her leaving is it's a relief for Calum.
James C is having a great night! His bessie saved and the irritant gone. Should have pushed the button. Should have taken the car, Pieface. Should have used the veto, Marcellas. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It's your fault, Chloe, not Stacy, not anyone else's.
Chloe was only in for a week but I bet it was easy to do her best bits. She gets best bits. Austin didn't even get best bits.
Notice Emma doesn't have a go at Chloe for her base behaviour in the house.
Don't let the housemates choose who gets eternal immunity! Bollocks. Let us choose. Don't do a Pauline!
Big Brother is stuttering.
Bianca chose Jamie, Calum chose James C (doesn't he want to go!), Coleen chose James C for being 'her rock' (Paul Burrell times), Speidi chose Nicola, James chose Jamie (why!!!! Why not Coleen), Jamie chose James C (not Bianca!), Jedward chose Spencer and Heidi (aw), Jessica chose Jedward (sweet!), Kim chose Jedward too! Amazing. Nicola chose Coleen (trying to crawl to the public). Stacy chose James C.
James C: 'Now they can see the real me.' He's gonna go the full Helen Wood. You pigeon chested twats!
James C nominated Speidi for eternal nomination! Nooooo! Whhhhhhhhy? Hopefully Speidi will buck up their ideas now. I wanna see them GO TO WAR.
At least Calum or Jamie didn't get the eternal immunity. GROSS!
I consider tonight a win. We live to fight another day. Jed safe and Speidi safe... for now. I have heard rumours of some exes coming in, including Calum's ex? Who next? The guy who delivers Calum's papers? Calum's dentist? Calum's hair technician? Calum is not that interesting. Flip the script, Big Brother. Use your imagination. Or just leave shit alone. One or other.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I'm being banged by Jedward

Borehamwood swingers party livens up

Did Kim spend the night in the David Gest suite? There's a conspiracy against her, my love.
I love how Kim just comes back into the house with a smile on her face. Calum doesn't like her 'vibe or demeanour.' Jamie looks hungover. My mum said he's 'lovely' and 'handsome'. I had to double check who she was talking about as I thought it couldn't be him.
OK so the task is superheroes and sidekicks but James is refusing to wear lycra. You're an actor, surely you wear whatever you're paid to wear. Also, I'm now imagining what he looks like in the outfit. He can't stop me. I'm picturing him in hot pink lycra.
Jedward are the 'Defensive Duo' and Nicola is their sidekick Mean McLean, haha. I can't be arsed to write down all the other names cos most of them aren't funny. Ha, Calum has to be Kim's sidekick. Unluckly. Bonka from the strip club is Speidi's sidekick.
Kim likes her tea like I do, weak and milky, hehe. I like seeing Calum having to bow and scrape to Kim. I just wish it was Jamie. Jedward are going to spank Nicola until she can't feel her butt? Sounds a bit sexual for them. Nicola is making them a manky cup of tea (ie. how I'd like it). This is not that exciting.
Out of context CBB highlights: Coleen saying, 'I'm being banged by Jedward!'
James C is trying to psychoanalyse Kim. Good luck, mate. I don't think she'll dare take him on. He looks weary. He's war torn in there.
Ooh, Jedward's dark lipstick is kind of sexy in a weird way. They are happy with their superhero outfits cos they enhance their figure. Something about Enya and shamrocks.
Kim is stroking Calum. I love Jedward annoying Nicola. This task is boring, though.
Calum is showing off his package in the diary room. We've already seen it all on Skype, mate. He's got a long skinny one. Eek! So gross.
Kim and Nicola are... making up? Ok, not making up. Nicola is worried Kim isn't getting 'resolvement.' Resolvement sounds like a hangover cure. James C is right, Kim is like a dog with a bone.
The truest thing Nicola ever said was 'how can everyone be wrong and you be right?' Kim: 'They crucified Jesus.' Comparing yourself to Jesus is fun, though.
For the next task, Big Brother is doing CGI. CGI! They could have spent that money on decent housemates. Still got some fish guts left over from yesteryear, though. James C appears to be wearing lycra now he's on the green screen. Turncoat! That part of the task was quite amusing, I guess.
Why have a cold shower?! Just don't have a shower for a day. Who cares? Oh, they were covered in bird shit? Weeeelll.
Kim wouldn't like to sleep with a guy who has a pierced penis or gold teeth. I think you're probably OK, my love. Stick to the mucky movies!
Chloe is gossiping with Jessica about kissing Calum on the lips. Her lips are disgusting, she looks deformed.
The housemates now have to drink a 'truth serum'. Apparently the truth serum is Apple Sours. I have a friend who's mad for Apple Sours. I could find out all his secrets!Nicola has had naughty thoughts in the Big Brother house, and so has James C. Lovely.
James C said he found Kim the most irritating! More irritating than Chloe! Ouch.
Jamie has 'very strong feelings' for Bianca. It's a classic case of Big Brother brain. What a numpty. Run, Bianca, run! He's coming on way too strong.
Jessica is crying about Chloe and Calum again. I love Stacy calling her a clown. Stacy is coming into her own lately. Jessica is absolutely pathetic. The sappiest housemate I've ever seen. Waste of airtime.
Jedward listing Britney songs looked very rehearsed. I don't like that.
Chloe is trying to molest Calum. He looks disgusted by her, yet he lets her sit on his lap. Why? He just loves the attention!
Jessica wants to hang out with Kim outside the house. Yet more evidence of her being deluded. Kim is going to treat her. That was a weird nice side to Kim for a second there. Kim is an enigma. Maybe it's just alcohol that turns her psycho?
Chloe has gone to put a bikini on and is now gyrating on a Jedward. He seemed to like it! They she pushed him over in a chair! Was that John or Edward?! Lol. I think she was trying to make Calum jealous.
Spencer telling Chloe to pursue Calum harder, haha. Nice one.
Jamie in the DR being a sap: 'Bianca's got a fantastic aura.' You don't, you're like a little pug. He's going a bit OTT with her now. Give the girl a break. Stalker alert!
Calum isn't drinking. He's patronising Chloe yet calling her gorgeous. It's a mixed message! The show ends on Jamie and Bianca in bed. WEAK ENDING. Nobody likes a weak ending.
Get someone out! Who's even on the block? What's going on with this show? Who knows? I've decided Kim is good value though, just because impressions and memes of her have been making me laugh all day. Kim to win? Could be worth a squirt!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Marshall lathers

Gotta be starting somethin'

Just watched last night's live feed and some interesting bits! I would kill to see a few hours of Jedward or Spiedi a week just chatting. Instead we just get fake arguments and stripping off. Zzz. Spencer said he knows Chloe is going to win because he knows the British public and we're sick, basically.
James C not impressed with Kim's antics. 'A terrible desperation.' Spencer is winding her up. How come he gets away with it?!
Chloe: 'I wonder who's got the biggest willy of all the boys.' Chloe thinks Stacy means James C has got a big one, but she actually meant James J. Dearie me, lovey.
Kim calling Spencer 'trash' and 'scum'. 'We don't mix with scum, we wash it down the sink. I never look for trouble, my love.'
Jamie fancies Bianca, but I don't think she likes him. Why would she? He has nothing going for him. Nicola's jealous. 'I thought you were thinking she was more of a friend?' Transparent.
Door wars! This is what passes for entertainment in the Big Brother house. Spencer vs Kim. Petty. Is it warm or is it hot? It's fucking freezing out. Heidi is keeping out of it, I notice. Look, she's actually in a seperate room to her husband. Insane! They have progressed. To be less fun. But I do believe this being nice bullshit is just fake as well.
Kim has given up on the door war because it's childish. Yes, it is childish. Spencer giving it back to her and calling her scum as well. His game is not on point at the moment. I'm hoping he'll step it up a gear or two soon.
Chloe: 'What does 'wordly wise' mean?' 'Albert Ein-thing.' Nice try, you knew what he was called. She's probably in Mensa. Ok, maybe not.
James C breaking down if your eyes pop out when you sneeze. What is a 'fishwife's tale'? It's an old wives tale! The thick is rubbing off on James C.
Calum is educating Chloe on dinosaurs. 'God bless you.' He's so patronising.
It must be the egg that comes first, not the chicken. I agree with Jamie. Chloe: 'God you're dead clever, I would never think it.' Lol. Chloe, put some clothes on already.
Chloe is flashing her arse at John and rubbing her arse on his back. Oh Jesus. He's 'not attracted to her.' Don't blame him!
Nicola is trying to get Bianca to get off with Jamie now because she can't. Bianca 'thinks he's lovely.' Doesn't sound like she does.
Wow, Chloe is getting a warning or rubbing her arse on John. Well, thinking about it, Aaron Frew did less. I guess as a girl you get away with mild sexual assault better. And can't we have that, at least? You men have everything else! I don't see it as a big issue, to be honest. What does John/and or Edward say about it? I'd like to hear their conversation about it after.
They're rattling through the eviction quickly. I like Bianca's nightie she's wearing and her flasher mac. Heidi is crying at James going. Ha, Spencer is, too. Man up. Wow, Heidi and Spencer are still crying. Jedward trying to comfort them. Is Spencer fake crying? I wouldn't put it past him. I think this is just a new dimension to their game, to be honest.
Chloe to Calum: 'Tell me what you like about me and I'll tell me what I like about you.' Calum: 'Your bone structure.' 'What's that?' My least favourite thing(s) about Calum is his weird ears and hair transplant if you were wondering. Oh, and his personality.
Spencer doesn't like getting a hug, even off James C. James C's hugs look great.
Now Spencer is being anti-Jedward too! BOO!
Jamie: 'See them jumping on the bed?' So what?! What do you care if they jump on the bed? It's not your bed. Fuck off. You wouldn't mind banging the shit out of Bianca on the bed, rat face, so zip it.
Bianca is drunk. She's obsessed with killer whales. I didn't see that coming. That's like Calum suddenly announcing he's into panpipes.
TAPS ON TIMES for Jamie and Bianca! Yuck. She must be desperate. He's gross. She's gone down in my estimation now.
Ooh I saw this on the live feed last night, 'I've had a worse life than you' one upping is as low as it gets. Lowest common denominator. Stacy and Jessica: 'I've been slapped around.' 'I've been through worse.' Shut up. Gross. Don't use your life experience as a bargaining chip.
What is the point of this Jessica idiot? She's come in the house, with a boyfriend, tried to get off with Calum and is now shouting about her awful life. Yeah, it is pretty awful. Tragic looking at it from here. What a loser. Also Kim buried her stillborn baby, so she wins/ loses.
I've started liking Stacy now, just because I'm familiar with her and know her personality. She was there on day one! She's a survivor.
Oh God, Kim is kicking off at Nicola again. Tiring. I'm worn out. Kim: 'I don't leave things.' Aint that the truth!
Nicola is drunk. 'Go to the diary room and don't ever come back.' We wish! I would end up punching Kim so I think Nicola is being very restrained. Kim is like a mum or gran out of a Virginia Andrews novel. She shitstirs then acts the innocent! 'Here just get in this scalding hot bath...'
Kim in the DR: 'Nicole is the Mafia.'
Calum said goodnight to Kim and Bianca called him a 'kiss arse', ha. Kim is still calling Nicola 'Nicole.' That whole argument was literally caused by Calum saying goodnight.
Kim: 'Don't start! You want to be punished? You aint seen nothing yet. You want trouble? By Christ you're going to get it.' Uh oh. Threats!
The look of glee on Spencer's face is hilarious.
Bianca pipes up with 'bore me later.' She's so drunk she's got subtitles. At least this meant her and Jamie didn't get any action tonight.
Nicola is a good friend to Bianca. Why does Nicola have her hand over one eye? 'You're an old lady.' Haha.
Ooh, Jamie sticking up for Nicola! Kim: 'You're a chicken livered bunch... chicken livered shits.' Stern Big Brother is coming over the tannoy. This is the kind of ten minutes of Big Brother you have to watch twice just to get all the facial expressions in.
I love it when one person is in the DR and it's all kicking off outside, and they obviously don't have enough staff on to cope with a row.
Ooh, Jamie coming for Kim! Stern Big Brother sounds panicked. 'Jamie should not leave the bedroom!'
Look at the rage in Jamie's eyes! Aggressive little prick. Appearing as if you're going to lay out an old age pensioner is not a good look. Spencer got up to defend him, aw, haha.
Kim: 'You're a bunch of chinless wonders! Cowards!'
Where did all the security even come from? It's like they just appeared out of nowhere. Outside contact! Hahaaa.
Bianca looks happy, like she's used to this on a night out. It definitely has Northampton town centre vibes, but without getting bottled.
You can tell Spencer thinks James is an idiot for shouting at an old woman. Don't get me wrong, Kim is batshit crazy and totally wrong/ psycho, but these people are sent to test you. How you react proves who you are as a person, Jamie. But we already knew who he was, didn't we?
Talking of cowards, where's Calum while all this is kicking off?
I love James Cosmo sitting in the garden looking disgusted.
Jamie: 'I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.' Not very nice.
Kim: 'You're an adulterer!' Haha. The security guard has got drink all down her back. That security guard should get danger money. Where's the one who shit up Bear? He could deal with an angry Kim I reckon. Kim: 'Oh, lovey, these ratbags, they put me through Hell' to security. I think Kim actually has some sort of problem. She shouldn't be in there.
I wish we could have seen more of that! I feel cheated. Half the show should have just been that.
I really feel like Nicola could win at this point, off the back off this madness. And I wouldn't be that upset about it. In fact, I'd like to have her in my corner in an argument! What has become of me?

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Whatever you've heard, it's from a pack of sheep

Bant-urgh

Who goes? We decide. Makes a change! I don't even know who's up for eviction, so what gives? It all feels a bit cobbled together this series. I liked this series until the first eviction. Now it just feels like a conveyor belt, like when they swapped people with that glittery loo roll and they didn't swap Danny Wisker (ugh) but we did get Marc O Neil (so that was something). We get invested in housemates, when you evict them, it's like when our favourite dies in a soap. If it's a democracy, it's just about bearable, but the Austin bullshit was deplorable, and even Jasmine got the shaft, but, weeeeelll.
Interview with Jasmine. I like her 'get it in the back door' joke. She does joke!
Jasmine is used to a healthy lifestyle, not the toxic atmosphere of the BB house. Emma is not a fan of Jasmine's foul mouth. Why does she have to rein/reign (both look wrong) in the language? It's past the watershed, stop being so prissy.
Jasmine admitted in her interview that she dated Calum before. Mind you, who hasn't?
Emma thinks the crowd are booing her. They probably are cos she's so uptight, her hair looks shit, and yet more office wear. Sigh. The way she told off Jasmine there just reminded me of all the things I hate about Emma. Stuck up.
New housemates are immune from nominations but can still vote. Bullshit. The new housemates are like when your favourite in a soap gets replaced with a different actor but playing the same character. Not good.
I like Kim winding Nicola up. So much for respect for your elders. Mind you, Kim is a mega cunt. Is she for real, or is she faking it? I can't even tell anymore. She seems totally insane.
James J nominated Jedward and Speidi. BOOO! Bad noms. James J nommed Jedward. Ugh. Yet also Calum! Yay.
Calum nommed James J and Jedward. Chloe nominated Jedward because she's 'heard they're shit stirrers'. I liked Jedward saying 'whatever you've heard it's from a pack of sheep.' Too true. Chloe also nommed James C, prob cos she gets the vibe that he (correctly) can't fucking stand her.
Jamie nominated Jedward for 'thinking it's the Jedward show' and for 'wanting to win the show'. Um, isn't that the name of the game? To win? Twatface.
Jamie also nommed James J for calling him 'a washed up footballer'. Another fact.
Coleen nominated Jedward and Jamie.
OMG Speidi nommed James (which one?!) for being a threat (oh, James C) and Jamie for 'unaccetably screaming at Jedward.' Not cool! Not cool is right.
Bianca nominated Jedward and James C. Bad noms.
Jedward nominated James J and Nicola. Why not Jamie after the way he shouted at them! That was a fail.
Jessica nominated Coleen and James C. New people should not be allowed to nominate, who cares what they fucking think? No one cares who Pointless Pav or Sam 'loving life' votes for. Then they just get evicted all in a row. We know the drill.
Kim nominated Nicole (Nicola), got angry when Nicola corrected her name and moaned about 'gang handedness' again and then started to fake cry. Start calling Kim Karen and see how she takes it. 'It's a shame such a lovely girl with a kind heart is such a bitch.' Those two things don't go together. Kim also nominated Bianca for no reason. She's nuts.
Nicola nominated Jedward for being 'defensive'. No wonder they're defensive, everyone's having a fucking go at them. Nicola nominated James C because she doesn't want to swear in front of him. What?! That is NOT a reason.
Stacy nominated Jedward for being 'covertly hostile.' Jedward are twitching. One in particular is taking it worse. These noms are putting me on edge. I hate the way they're talking to Jedward, it's disgusting. Bad atmosphere!
James C,  James J and Jedward on block. I don't want any of these three to go when the three new people are still there. It's not fair! Fuck you, Big Bro. Crowd chanting 'get Jedward out', fuck you as well, creeps.
Still, that was good for Jedward getting kicked just before the lines opened, cos people feel sorry for them then.
What has Nicola actually done to Kim? Is Kim going senile? She's batty as fuck. I LOVE the term 'gang handed' though. Stacy trying to talk sense into her. Don't bother. Stacy swerved the noms well there, didn't she? Stacy is back under the radar, nice work.
I think James C is ready to go. I want him to stay but I feel he should go, cos this is beneath him. It's beneath me watching it.
I like the way one Jedward acts like he's personally attacked when they have a go at both of them. He's like 'the reasons you nominated me..' not 'us'. Imagine being so close to someone that you're a me not an us. That's cool.
Jedward just tried to ask James J what the problem was and he walked off, so what can they do?
Why is Kim intent on saying they'll all not be friends? 'Why is James Cosmo being voted out because he's nice... cos the world is a miserable place.' She's actually right. That's why they swapped Austin for her and the Geordie Shore numpty (not much airtime for her tonight, what a shame.)
Kim is pushing Spencer and everyone looks on edge. I think they're missing Austin's brand of wonky eyed unhingedness rather than Kim's. What has Nicola done to Kim?! Nicola is being quite restrained. I think I'd cry if I was her. It's great for her game though if she plays it right.
The crowd are like a baying mob. Gross.
OMG James Jordan got evicted! Sweet! James C seems to be building up quite the momentum! I think it's an anti newbie vote. Don't bother nomming James C, he's untouchable!
Although I hate him, I still think it's criminal James Jordan has gone with some of the others still in the house. He was at least trying to entertain us, and he knew he was a cunt, he wasn't just a cunt trying to disguise he's a cunt like Jamie or Calum.
I'm not surprised Jedward were saved with the way they were 'gang handed' just before the vote was open. Hopefully James Jordan will think twice about the way he spoke to them. Unlikely, though.
Why are Jamie and Calum looking so glum in the background?
I thought James's interview was quite good. He comes across quite well apart from his annoying voice and going on about 'banter.' Ick. Lol, was Spencer really crying at him leaving? Good God. My England, my kryptonite. Up your game, man!
Will James C still be James C now James J has gone? Luke A never shook off that A, did he? Luke S, though. He knows how to shake off a whole suitcase full of cash. #neverforget #onemississippi
I was feeling very depressed in the first half of that show, but James Jordan's eviction saved it for me.
Time to kick out some newbies, please. It said when they went in, one wouldn't last the weekend. So why are there still three hanging round, cluttering up the place? DUMB. I hate it when Big Brother forgets to go through with it's own twists.
Anyway, somewhere on a sofa tonight, White Dee is angry, Audley Harrison is laughing and Gary Busey is honking at the sky.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I'm as fake as your face

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Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Fuckin' hell

Worst bits

I just voted to save Austin, Speidi and James C (hey, big spender). I think Stacy will be safe and I want Angie to go.
Ugh, Emma has got her hair in that bad style again. I like her coat, though. But not the rapist gloves.
Whhhhhhat so the housemates have to kick one out?! I just voted for James C! If they kick him out, I'm going to be pissed. They could tell us that earlier! It moves the goalposts a bit.
Why is Calum upset that Jasmine woke up in bed with him! Still trying to manage his image? It's getting boring now. He'll be on her like a rat up a drainpipe if his mum goes.
Look at the state of that room, it looks filthy. Calum and Jamie almost having a 'slutbucket' moment eyeing up Bonka.
Jedward 'risk their lives every day squeezing their junk into skinny jeans.'
Jamie doesn't like Jedward cos they're not like he was at 25. What, knocking up a racist?
Why is Spencer growing that beard! Groo.
Nicola did not 'trap' her boyfriend by getting pregnant, Twitter idiots. Takes two to get pregnant. If he doesn't want a baby, he should wear a condom.
Why is everyone on the block asleep! You think they'd be worried. Obviously high tension there.
They have to give each other anonymous punishments / reward. Jedward are going to perform three albums' worth of material for Jamie, haha.
Spencer calling Calum: 'Mummy's boy, ego maniac and two faced.' Haaaa!
Jedward on slop! Jasmine reading mean tweets, what a shame. I can't believe she's affected by it. She's so heartless. I like Stacy's secret glee.
Austin still living off the Marc Jacob files. He met Spencer and Heidi and called her a bitch. Spencer is calling it as fake news. Spencer is getting quite aereated.
Spencer: 'I don't patrol the borders, do I look like Donald Trump?' Both surly blondes.
Jamie is on a date with Jedward and James Jordan is in prison (of sorts).
Jedward just eat chicken and grapes. That's healthier than my diet. I'm liking the volume on Jedward's hair today.
Jasmine: 'How dare people say things on Twitter?' They dare!
Why does no one go after Bianca? Has she got a boyfriend?
Does anything ever come out of James J's mouth that's not a wind up! He does make me laugh despite myself sometimes. Don't tell anyone.
Jasmine throwing her mic (doing a Chima) and calling Big Brother a cunt. Rude! OMG she's frying her microphone. That seems a bit dangerous/ unhygenic. She's worried about her 'reputation'. Lol. Too late, man, too late.
Everyone is getting booed except James C! He'll be the one to go, ha. I can't hear a chant of 'get someone out.'
Angie is first out! She's pretending she's pleased. Calum is pretending he's sad. Angie nearly walked into the door. The double staircase confusion again.
This interview isn't even worth talking about. Zzzz. Angie still pretending she doesn't know what a gameplan is. Speidi will be pleased to see her go. Stop calling everyone babes! It's like the GC is back. Oh God, she's not back, is she? Angie calling Spencer 'a diamond.'
I hope Speidi are just laying low before they attack. I don't like this 'toned down' Speidi.
The weekend from Hell has begun! Austin looks really nervous! He'll be OK though.
And we're back!
So the housemates have to evict the most boring housemate. They will either fudge it or evict James C.
OMG the new housemates. I don't even know who two of them are. CHEAP. Great, a cut price Charlotte Crosby. Kim Woodburn and... someone else. Chloe, Jessica and Kim.
Argh, Emma in the house. Eek, new housemates with masks on. Creepy.
OK, the housemates have to write down the names of the housemates they want to evict. But it should be who's the dullest.
So far votes for Stacy, Bianca, James Jordan, Austin, Jedward, Calum. OMG Calum has had two votes, from James J and Jamie! OMG, Austin, Calum, Jedward and James C all have 2! Stacy voted Austin! OMG Austin is out! He's not the dullest! This is bullshit. At least he's not going out via the public's hand. 'It's time to cull the dull.' Catchy.
Stacy got her revenge on Austin there! Big time. I guess he wanted to go home and see his boyfriend. anyway.
So the housemates didn't know he would get voted out off the back of that. I wish it had been Calum!
You know what I was saying about Geordie Shore people and how I was happy there was none in there? ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.
Poor Austin. He didn't deserve that. He's not the dullest! The poll should be null and void. I'm pleased James C survived, but not at the (Arma)cost of Austin. 
Austin won't call Speidi Speidi, he won't give them that satisfaction.
I'm not sure Austin is that gutted to go, really. He seems OK. He's probably relieved in a way. But as a viewer, I'm not.
Austin: 'The British people fell in love with me.' He's like Princess Diana.
OMG. Austin has no best bits. Because they couldn't be bothered to do best bits for everyone. I bet they had James C's best bits ready. WHAT A JOKE! How cheap ass of them. Kim Woodburn instead of Austin. Fuck you, Big Brother. Austin didn't deserve that. NOT A GOOD SWAP. Bollocks.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Are we human or are we Jedward?

Why?

Land of nod task is ongoing. We're tired of it already. Dream clouds! I think the entertainment value is done there.
Aw to James C comforting Stacy when she's crying. What a lovely guy. Quite dull, but lovely.
We don't even GET to know why Brandon is having a hard time, he's so dull. Give us a crumb, Brandon! Throw us one bone, mate.
Angie enjoyed arguing with Stacy last night. OK then. She's such an arse. Why is everyone on Stacy's case? I don't even like her but it's not pleasant to watch. She's got Austin, Angie, Jasmine and Nicola on her case. Is she being bullied? She's definitely being marginalised.
Jasmine is annoyed by an unspecified Jedward waving a banana in her face. 'I don't even know if they're human or have feelings. They're just robotic little wind up toys.' Weeeelll. That's their main appeal!
Stacy knows Tom Cruise from being a Scientologist. Now James is slagging off Scientology, oops. Stacy: 'It's pretty phenomenal.' Ah, she's admitted she's one. 'Well, if it works for you.' This means, 'You're nuts.' I'd ask her more about it! It's interesting.
Jamie 'treats women like an an animal in bed.' The old Fatboy chat up line, hey. Mind you, he's a footballer, so not sure he should brag about that. They're not known for their appropriate sexual conduct, are they?
At least Brandon came back to say goodbye. I would have just skulked out of the diary room cos I hate goodbyes. James J crying, lol. Spencer's probably like, another one bites the dust. Two down... how many to go?
Brandon and James C's heartfelt goodbye! Aw.
Jedward are like my friends stopping me trying to leave the pub. If he wants to go, he wants to go. Give the man a break.
James J to Brandon: 'You didn't affect anyone else.' Especially not the viewers.
OMG I can't believe Jamie kicked off at Jedward like that! They were trying to be nice. Jamie is an aggressive twat. What did they even do?!
'What's real about you? You're the biggest joke act I've ever seen. You're just fucking noise.' What are you? A pug nosed, midget, racist-marrying, wife-leading-on piece of shit, fuck off. I think he actually upset Jedward. They DO have emotions!
Brandon is getting so much airtime, honestly. Leave already!
Speidi counselling Jedward, I love it.
Jamie: 'I don't like arguing.' You didn't argue, you just shouted at two people for no reason who were trying to be nice. Jedward ARE adults, FFS. Patronising twat. The way they dealt with him and didn't rise to it showed that.
Another shit stir task, quoting the housemates. They fucked up the 'Bonka from the strip club' line. Haha, Jedward got called on the 'biggest nobodies' line. Loved James J calling them 'nasty little fuckers', hahaha. Jedward on backtrack mode, lol.
Calum is constantly trying to manage his mum, ha. I hope he's having a shit time in there. Both him and his mum are ruining my experience of the programme.
Austin admitting to Coleen that 'he has an issue with drinking.' Well, that's the first step. The second is to drink less. I shant hold my breath.
Angie, stop pretending you don't know what a gameplayer is. Calum's face is a picture every time his mum talks. He looks under the cosh.
Oh, the task is over. They passed the shopping task. I don't even remember there being a secret aspect to it.
Oh god, new housemates are coming tomorrow. I bet it's someone cheap. It will be some TOWIE wankers. And the weekend from hell. I wonder what that means. I'm hearing rumours it's Bear. God, I hope not. Ruthless. If it's the weekend from hell, just put Katie Hopkins, Perez and Bear in, job done.
Bianca's one job in the house, trying to keep Austin on a leash. She does a reasonable job of it.
Austin vs Stacy again, zzz. Stacy is right, she can talk about whatever she wants. Having knowledge of getting yourself papped is hardly something to brag about. Just ask Lisa Appleton.
Jamie on Jedward: 'They're either really dumb or really clever.' That smoking crew are coming off like a bunch of cunts and bullies. Jedward got more readies than you bitches put together.
Nicola: 'I just want to leave to cheers rather than boos.' Good luck with that.
Austin is trying to argue with Calum about the size of his feet. Then saying he likes Stacy. WTF. He's either drank too much or not enough. I'm glad they're being nice to Stacy for once. I guess Jedward are the new kicking post.
Jamie: 'You're coming across amazing' to Nicola. Calum: 'We will break this chick.' That's Calum's true personality leaking out. Oozing out, I should say.
Jasmine to Stacy: 'You have so much to offer this world, I love you.' Calm down. Faaaaaaakke.
What time to Speidi go to bed? Why are they never on this show anymore! Boo!
Is Jasmine patting Calum's knob? Is that the sexual scenes we were promised? Jibbed!
Save Austin and Speidi! (And James C). I think Tracy will be saved anyway. I want Angie to go and take her kale, her gameplan and her son with her. BYE!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Sands of (air)time

'Who do I start fights with?'

I heard Brandon Block has walked, ruining all my 'on the block' titles to come. Damn you! Still, ultimately no great loss. He wasn't even a let down, cos I didn't really know what to expect from him, but he gave absolutely nothing. Another one bites the dust. Hopefully we'll get a newbie now, maybe?
New task takes place in the land of nod! They have to wear PJs and carry a teddy.  Nicola and James J are in charge. No sleeping, no lying down, no yawning, no hot water or make up. It's a bit unfair to take away make up as it unfairly penalises women and not men. And don't give me that 'some men wear make up' bullshit. No men in there are this year. Oh hold on, maybe Jedward.
I can see up James C and Brandon Block's nighties, oo-er!
James Jordan admitting he's trying to wind up Austin. Dick. I HATE James Jordan. I can't believe people actually like him, he's revolting. Not one redeeming feature. At least Austin has a good side, even if he is hiding it well at the moment.
Angie has to ruin the fun of trampolining by bringing lymph nodes into it. Ha, Calum is telling her to STFU.
Jedward are looking a bit wee willy twinkie tonight.
What is Stacy going on about? Oh, she's calling Jasmine fake. Jasmine is fake. Fake as fuck. What set Stacy off, though? 'LOUDER!' Hold on, Stacy has mascara on. Maybe she slept in it?
Coleen: 'Why would you come in and sing your own song?' It's called promoting yourself, Coleen.
James has put Stacy and Austin on sand watch so they have to sit with each other. Austin: 'I haven't antagonised anyone.' Ha. Nicola: 'The task is just turning egg clocks.' Or egg timers, as we call them.
I do enjoy Stacy rubbing Austin up the wrong way, even though I can't stand her.
Jedward chatting with Speidi about James J and Austin: 'It's like the two biggest nobodies are the biggest attention seekers.' Meow! True, though. I guess it was inevitable Jedward and Spiedi teamed up. They are both in their own worlds and both inscrutable.
James Jordan and Nicola ordering a McDonalds. Spencer sniffing it. Weird.
Angie slagging off chicken nuggets as 'a bit of anus that gets stuck in your tooth.' But the advert says otherwise! Haha. Meal ruiner. Enjoyment destroyer! Jamie O Hara sniffing chicken nuggets. Nuggets are OK, but they're not that good. I'm not sure if that was good advertising for McDonalds or bad.
There's now a task where some people are blindfolded and the others have to be their eyes and ears. I can't really be bothered to explain it, ha.
Ray J doesn't even get a final DR session. Big Brother is really annoyed with him, aren't they? Lawsuit!
Jamie O Hara is bawling about missing his kids in the DR. Boo woo. How often does he even see them anyway? Sorry, that was a bit mean. But I'm leaving it in cos I dislike him.
Oh, Jamie can't talk to Calum about his feelings cos 'he's a lad.' Please. Grow up, you sexist prick. It's not the 1950s.
Jedward mocking the 'louder and louder' thing is funny.
Jasmine wants to send out a message that 'women can figure it out.' This is the fakest thing I've ever heard. Is Jasmine even on the block to be coming out with this bullshit?
Jedward's face at Jamie crying, haha. Yet when Nicola takes him outside, he's moaning about 'big characters'. So is he upset about kids or lack of airtime? Clue: It's the airtime.
Dear Lord, the James Jordan museum. That's terrifying. That's some dystopian shit. Angie: 'Look how skinny you were!' Hahaha. Fat shamer of the year. God, she's unstoppable.
I never did this poll! Ha, the audience said James C is a bigger dreamboat that James J.
Heidi and Spencer's joy at being named 'manipulative'! 
Jasmine is the least deserving 'all star.' And James J is the most deserving? Are the audience high? Who filled in this poll! Coleen is not two faced either. She's outwardly rude.
I saw this slumber party bit on the live feed. Stacy not picked for the party! Mean. And Angie as she doesn't like food or drink or enjoyment.
Angie sure knows how to make a situation worse. She's a bit of a cunt, really. It's not just the food and drink tyranny, it's just her personality is quite abrasive in general.
Angie vs Stacy is a dull argument. I hate the way people call Stacy 'girl' in an argument, Austin did it as well. I think you know what I'm saying.
Spencer's dancing face is the best. I feel like I've had a glipse of his orgasm face. I also like Austin's lapdancing. And tasks where they keep them up all night. Shame we never get to see any of it! Thanks, Big Brother! 

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: My sanity is being compromised

Edited out

Austin looks like he's on a mega airtime grab tonight! Bring it. It's not vote to evict so the more airtime he gets the better, even if he is being a brat.
It's the morning after the night before. I like Jamie saying 'I don't even remember getting home last night', that was actually funny for him. Oh so Nicola has a hall pass because her husband cheated?! That's good. Nice to have a get out of jail card in your back pocket. I hope her husband agrees. If not, oh well.
Angie to Calum: 'Take a night off drinking. Your liver can't work that hard.' Guarantee you he's drinking later. I give her a pass on that one as his dad was an alcoholic so I can see why she'd worry about it with her son.
Jasmine: 'Stacy is a hot mess. Her clothes are worn in.' That's mean. Jasmine is really catty. I don't see Stacy saying shit about her.
Spencer and James Jordan are plotting to wind up Austin. James Jordan would let someone punch him in the face in the house because they'll 'lose their money'. Form an orderly queue, housemates.
I like Big Brother giving Angie a task which is guaranteed to wind up the other housemates, detoxing them.
Spiedi do not look thrilled at the prospect of detoxing. I like Jedward's sunglasses indoors look.
Angie is picking all the fatties. James C looks pissed off. He doesn't want to 'share his body.' Coleen needs 'unclogging.' Sounds nasty. Why is Ray J hiding behind his hoodie and asleep all the time? Is he depressed? He's a useless housemate, that's for sure. She also chose Brandon and Calum, haha. Unlucky.
Ha, they're not allowed to smoke without approval from Angie or Big Brother. Angie should have put Austin on the detox. *lights fire*
Nicola is tired of people telling her to work out or what to eat. Nicola: 'I don't drink water, it's for washing.' You have a bottle of it in your hand?
Brandon: 'Kebabs my downfall.' Well, it beats cocaine, healthwise.
Ray J is eating too much toast and doesn't know 'how to cook lettuce.' He 'usually has a chef.'
Angie telling Ray J he's gained weight! She's going to give him an eating disorder.
OMG Angie is going to make them fast or eat leaves. This is horrendous.
Angie: 'This task won't cause animosity' as she calls everyone fat. I must admit, I would be like Coleen during this task.
Ray J meditating: 'Peace, happiness... smoking.' At least he's being forced to do something. Angie is really laying into Ray J! 'You're slime.. grow up and stop whining.' What a bitch!
Calum apologising to Ray J on his mum's behalf, haha. Now he's trying to tell her to settle down. Calum: 'Ray J mopes about anyway.' Ha. Why is he so mopey? (Answer revealed later!)
Calum is shitting himself that Angie is going to get nommed. Hold on, she's already nommed!
Austin has one eye on dip and one on dazzle... uh oh. If he was my boyfriend that would be the warning sign to bolt the door. Aggressive drunks are the worst.
Austin: 'Not to be a bitch but I don't like you' to Stacy out of nowhere. Austin is worried for Ray J's wife. As if. He's always fake concerned for other people's relationships, it's so transparent.
Oh God, now James Jordan is getting involved. Out of the frying pan into the fire.
Calum: 'Austin loves a row.' Aint that the truth.
James Jordan: 'You're a boring cunt throughout the day then you have a drink and become an even bigger cunt.' Weeeellll. What's your excuse, James?
I'm glad Stacy is sticking up for herself. Austin: 'You don't understand the game.' Nor do you, Austin, it's to be likeable and popular! Look at Jamie O Hara sat there saying fuck all and enjoying the show. Fencesitter!
Austin basically just admitted he nommed Stacy. Stacy: 'I laugh too loud and love too hard.' I relate to half of that.
Why is Big Brother giving them a game at 11.23pm when they're drunk?! And a shitstir task at that. Spencer, Jasmine and Coleen have been named most untrustworthy by the public.
Bianca didn't understand the 'edited out' tweet. She's a bit dim. Spencer's reading out loud skills are abominable. Can't Heidi do it for him? You could tell Spencer wasn't lying from his reading out!
Heidi not reacting to the 'batteries out of her back' comment. Oh no, she did. Spencer: 'She's solar powered.' Heidi actually took that well in the end, doing a robot voice.
Ha, they're making Jasmine read out the 'cuter than her' about Stacy thing. I recomended they did that!
I think Ray J is on the mute task that Austin had last year. Why does he look like he's got a balaclava on all the time! It's like he's trying to disappear into the wall.
Why is Spencer standing there with his eyes closed? Weird. Maybe his batteries have run out.
Coleen is crying cos the public said she was fake. They didn't, they said she was untrustworthy.
You think Jasmine would apologise to Stacy, if she wasn't such a cunt. 'I was joking!' Jasmine is not known for her hilarious jokes, let's be honest. More her bewitching vagina.
Stacy is right, Jasmine is mean. Oh, finally she said sorry from behind her toothbrush. Big of her.
Austin, it's not that hard to be apart from your boyfriend for six days. I've not seen another human for ten days, let alone anyone I love, or even like.
Austin is having an old skool DR breakdown. 'Fuckin' hell!' Why is he stripping off? I'm not complaining but...!
'This is a nasty evil place.' They need to send in that security guard who shit Bear up. I must admit, I would feel nervous living in that house with Austin. He's a powder keg. I can't be around aggressive drunks. It's not cool to make people feel on edge like that. Even my cat just turned round and faced the opposite way to the TV.
Austin is gonna sleep on it. What a performance! Honestly. Did they really give him more booze after that? Big Brother is being a bit irresponsible with the housemates' welfare this year.
The detox task is over already! That was quick. More booze all round! Twice as much for Austin (and Nicola!)
James Jordan: 'Can I open the door for you if you leave?' Haha. Austin: 'My sanity is being compromised.'
James J: 'There's always someone who talks about leaving but they never walk.' James is trying to push Austin over the edge. James: 'The door's just there.'
Austin: 'James you will get punched in the mouth.' James: 'Make sure it's a good one.' Threats of violence! James is a wind up merchant and Austin is an easy target. I hate James! Ugh.
Nicola and Austin are being pricks in bed, giggling and messing about. Did Austin just pinch James's arse?
God, they're in bed and arguing. Could you imagine how annoyed you'd be in that house if people were arguing in bed?
Austin: 'My mum told me that Billy Elliot was a bad ass.' Ha. James: 'You'll walk within two days.' Ooh, way to make Austin stay.
James: 'You'll probably have another boyfriend next year.'
Austin: 'No one asked you Coleen, go to sleep in your single bed.' James: 'Your boyfriend won't be waiting for you.' That's a low blow.
The glee on Spencer's face when they were arguing. Sweet dreams!
So why has Ray J left the Big Brother house? Oh apparently because of dental pain. That would explain his top being zipped up over his mouth the whole time. I'm surprised anyone noticed. Poor sod didn't even get to sleep in a bed the whole time he was there. You think someone might have swapped with him for the night?!
I'm sure Big Brother is pleased he's going. They got the Kim Kardashian scoop and the Whitney scoop; he had nothing else to offer. Hopefully Big Brother will spend some of his fee on some decent tasks, or a decent new housemate who is awake some of the time.
Oh, yeah I did my podcast today! Enjoy. Also, my cat has turned back round to face the TV now it's over! Enough said.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Footballers' wives

Her hair still looks good at least

Hi! I made some podcast notes today. Just a few. It's a start.
Ooh, nominations! And I don't know who's up! I know Jedward are immune though. Happy days!
Bianca's eyelashes are more 'evening out' than 'breakfast time'. I hope they have enough hairspray in that house to keep Jedward's quiffs afloat.
Oh God, not this one night stand bullshit with Calum again. Calum works his arse off to not be the person he actually is, despite calling himself a 'red blooded male' in his VT. What does 'red blooded male' mean? All humans (even us delicate ladies!) have red blood. I assumed it to mean 'fanny rat' and still do unless I hear otherwise.
Bit crap that half the people can't nominate this week. I like seeing the nominations! We're the ones getting jibbed by the dumb edited out task.
Calum nominated Stacy for being loud (ie. black). And Speidi for being entertaining (I mean, pushing buttons.)
Jasmine nommed Stacy as well for asking 'personal questions'. Jasmine wouldn't have got on well with Perez then. Jasmine also nominated Brandon for 'not being fun' and if she was alone with him she'd have to stick her thumb up her arse. Whatever floats your boat.
Jamie nommed James J for saying he has no balls, even though he doesn't, and Stacy for being loud (ie. black).
James Jordan nominated Stacy for being 'fiery' and Austin (boo!) I'm surprised Austin didn't cop more votes so far, tbh. James J: 'I don't want to hurt his feelings at the moment.' At the moment!
Jedward on the pile of cushions is fun. Sorting out their packages too, oo-er.
Brandon is brushing his teeth. That's gonna take a while.
Jasmine not allowed to put her hand on people's legs now? WTF is this! You should know better, Austin. Look at the way you were with James Hill! (Which was amazing)
Apparently Jedward are throwing orange peel on the floor. Calum: 'They live in a bubble.' Nicola is about to shred it.
I love the way Jedward diffused the situation with a Jed-hug, lol. They never cared.
Haha, now Edward is annoying Angie's meditation session. She looks like she's gonna kill him!
Even if Jedward have been told to act up by the producers, I don't care! It's entertaining.
Jamie is doing some 'locker room talk'. What a dick this guy is. That's the sort of story you don't admit on TV.
Ooh, nominations are still going on. Coleen nominated Ray J. Curveball. And Angie! Not really surprised. Why would you feel guilty about eating in front of Angie? Fuck her! It's up to you what you eat.
Nicola nominated Ray J for sleeping too much (cop out) and Angie for going on about food nutrition (good). I'm glad Angie's copping some.
Jedward nommed Austin for 'going from a pancake to a gargoyle.' And Jasmine also for being all over the place. 'One second she's happy, the next second she's asleep'. Just like everyone on earth.
There's been quite a spread of noms. I like James Jordan being mummified. I want coloured loo roll, and cool colours, not just pastels. Where can I get them?
Austin nominated Stacy and Speidi. I love the way Austin says 'dickheads.'
Angie nommed Speidi because Spencer said he was going to win it (ha) and for antagonising. True. And Austin! Boo. She's nomming all the entertainment. 'Austin is on the emotional edge.' True. He does turn. I hate an angry drunk.
Speidi nommed Austin for yelling at Heidi and making her feel scared (bitch, please) and Biana for taking water off them and for giving Heidi dirty looks, haha. I wish this were true but I suspect it's just a figment of their fevered imagination (yes, they share one between them).
Stacy bragging about fucking Wesley Snipes, haha. 'He has the biggest penis I've ever seen in my life.' Thanks for that.
James C is shocked with the self obsession about looks and appearance. He's concerned about his career. Why has he done it then! 'I'm nearly 70, should I be caring.' Coleen: 'I don't think this takes away from you being a fantastic actor.' True. I'm glad he's enjoying it. I wonder how much he got paid?
So up for eviction are Stacy, Austin, Speidi, Ray J, Angie and of course, James C. I wouldn't be surprised if Ray J goes, he's so dull. I hope Angie goes.
Big Brother is telling them how many noms each person got. Austin is fuming cos he got four and Speidi got 3.
Calum: 'I can't believe you only got three.' to Speidi. Hilarious.
Calum explaining the rules to his ma. I bet he's secretly hoping she goes too, bhahaha.
How are James Jordan and Coleen not up? They're so annoying!
Spencer on Austin: 'As long as he keeps drinking he's one step away from snapping.' So insightful and so accurate.
Austin is mad cos he's the 'third most disliked in the house.' No medals for that.
Bianca is annoyed about being called 'Bionka.' I think I'd like it if an American mispronounced my name. Austin is more American than ever. Is he not living in Yorkshire anymore? Austin is drunk and disorderly. Is he one sip away though? Bianca must be running out of patience with him. I am, and I like him! I think Austin could have a 'Nadia on BB All stars' type eviction coming up, and that will crush him.
Austin is in his undies now he's on the block. Austin: 'I feel like you're up Ray's arse' to Stacy. Ha, Austin calling someone else loud. Pot, kettle, black.
Austin's body is still hot! They just need to do that task where they make him mute again. I can see the head of his penis in those pants.
Nicola seems a bit sweet on Jamie. I think she's drunk. She's putting hands on legs! SLUT etc. Sigh.
What can't chubby, old James Jordan deal with, Austin's ding dong? Jealous!
Nicola is SHIT FACED. OMG. Jamie said 'I've got your back, I love you.' But he has 'too much respect for his bruv' to kiss her. Sexist terminology (ie. she's owned by another man otherwise he would) and I give it two days before he cracks.
Nicola is gurning! What are they drinking in there, crystal meth? Now she's trying to snog Calum. Fucking hell, this is awkward. Someone put her to bed. Don't let her sit there doing that while everyone looks. It's entertaining, but it shouldn't be entertainment.
'I know her husband' isn't much defence in this or any situation.
James Jordan is the only one who tried to put her to bed. I actually respect him for that.
Nicola reminds me of me when I was at my friend Dawns and ended up with one contact lens just stick to the outside of the case.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually feel sorry for Nicola (and her hangover). Imagine watching that back. She won't even remember it! The trolls are already rubbing their hands in glee, gloating about divorce. Well her husband already cheated, so lets not get it twisted.
Vote to save! Woo. I'm gonna VTS Austin cos I still love him and I would hate to see him go first.
Hopefully pod tomorrow if I'm up to it? Night!