Weeeeeeeellll, hello there. It's been a while. And here we are again, ready for another summer of fun. So what do we have in store? Two houses is fine (although hardly revolutionary), but two house full of twats is just double the pain, so please, let them get the casting right this time. *Cut to end of the blog with me with my head in my hands.* Look, I'm on my own, I'm drinking, let's do this thing.
THE OTHERS. Isn't that a horror movie with Nicole Kidman? Isn't it crap? Doesn't she have sex with her son or something? Emma looks like she's borrowed her dress.
OOH, new stage. That's 'ooh', not 'ooh ooh' which no human since 1999 has cheered, bar the BBUK crowd. Appaz they have BANNED banners this year. Spoilsports. They should ban booing. Except when it's someone I hate.
Emma looks decent. Her hair looks normal for once and a nice colour, too. Not sure about the dowdy outfit, but we'll start with the hair and work downwards over the weeks.
I like the house decor. Pink and yellow is fun, just ask Mr Blobby (but not Noel Edmonds today). Bedroom looks OK, pod full of pebble cushions, good. Bath not shaped like an egg, fact fans.
18 people? Good luck remembering those names to my podcast co-host.
Diary room chair is shit hot! I like the new house and set, feels like it gives the show a kick up the arse.
First in is Marco Pierre White. What the fuck. Then he mentioned cooking! Confusing. He has people at his house who have been there four weeks after a party? That sounds like my worst fucking nightmare. Face tattoos, neck tattoos, Cruella De Ville streak, what's not to hate? He is nice looking though, I'll admit begrudgingly. Got lost on his way in, ala Busey. Straight to the fridge, gotta admire that. No booze? Bad Big Brother. I have been formed his dad is the chef Marco Pierre White. OK, this makes sense now.
Emma and Victoria (twins!) are bringing 'positive energy' (ie. Bea). They love nature and animals and UFOs. They want to play games, but not 'those' sort of games, ie. strategy. I think they're wearing like leopard print fuzzy felt or something. YOU ARE NOT SAMANDA.
Marco knows the twins! Ha. 'Oh my God, let's get on the zebra.' That's too many animal prints. Stop that.
Andy is a former BBC sports reporter who quit because Tyson Fury (great name for a homophobe) was homophobic. Creepy Chris vibes ie. someone with a brain. Good luck, mate. You'll need it. Plus, there's no saying that you can escape homophobia in there. In fact...! I'm also getting shades of Detective Dan vibes. Could this be Rylan's next husband?
Laura looks like that Atomic Kitten who shouted at Austin Armacost. Lovely hair. 'I see myself as a holy grail.' What the fuck does that mean? Not sure why she's being booed. Of course I do. FEMALE! WHORE! PITCHFORKS! Sigh.
Alex has jeans in his rips (yes, I'm pleased with that joke and it did well on Twitter). 'I go out twice a week, once for three days, once for four days.' That would work better if he'd added it up wrong. He 'respects women.' I give it a week before the 'slutbuckets' chat. He's like Danny 'canoe' Wisker and Ash 'absolutely fantastic' Harrison had an old, dumb baby. To call him thick as a plank would be an insult to planks. I think he said 'I'm shitting like a nervous dog' when he went in, but I could have misheard that and I can't afford to rewind right now. I gotta stay 'in the moment'.
Lateysha is next. Great, a name I have to double check how to spell. Welsh. Mixed race. Something about sheep. Said 'I'm gonna shit myself' and then 'I need a fucking drink' upon entering. I agree.
What's up with the crowd, man, they look depressed as shit. Oh.
Apparently some of these people are 'famous' but I have no clue who they are, so they're not famous to me (just like CBB then).
Lots of fanfare about the 'other house'. 'The others' seem even worse than these people we've seen so far. In fact, I don't mind the people we've seen so far. These others seem fucking grim. Do I hate to write their names down? I can't be fucked. They're like a crappy group that Simon puts together on the X Factor. They've even got the boiler suits. Apparently they forgot one and left her with her mask on. I missed this as I'm blogging like a twat but I love it anyway.
Ok, Andrew looks like Pob, Huey looks confused, Ryan is like Maaaaaarkkk who we all hated, so why repeat the losing formula? 'Where's the toilet, I'm going to piss myself.' Go right ahead, it worked for Charlotte Crosby. Oh god, some of the others know the actual housemates. Hmm.
Evelyn is a bit of a hottie from Australia. Asian. Bragging. Wait for the boos. A guy she would like 'would not be in the Big Brother house'. Probably true.
Sam from Blackpool. 'I have the best hair in my area.' Haha. He drinks on the 'top table'! Bhahaha. Ooh, he's gay. Ugh, he's got a beard. Also, his hair is not good. What must the other hair in Blackpool be like if his is the gold standard? Throwing shade at other gay people. Boo. What is a 'stereotypical gay' person? It's like saying a 'stereotypical blonde.' Fuck off. Said 'it's good to see a familiar face' to someone. Ugh. The feeling is not mutual.
Georgina is the token posho. 'You don't have to be posh to have horses.' True, look at Jordan. I don't want a female posho who doesn't even sound posh. I want Ben. I want Harry. Even Nick? No, not Nick.
Jason is a stunt double and a cockney wideboy. Has a shitzu. Seemed to bore even himself in his interview with Emma. 'Take care.' OK, Terry Tibbs. 'Where's the booze?' To be fair, that's what people say when they first come to my house. And then for the next 12 hours, until I kick them out.
Oh my God, two more to go. I am running out of steam now, but I have been enjoying it thus far. I think the new house helps, HD helps, except the sour crowd's ugly mugs. Not sure about the twist. Doesn't seem that much different to the glittery toilet roll of doom, which brought mad Marc 'tombstone' O Neil into the house but failed to flush out pizza botherer Danny Wisker.
Everyone on Twitter is bitching about the cast but people always bitch about the launch show (me included). I've seen a LOT worse launch nights. Steven Goode and Tamara, anyone?
Jackson in next. Grew up in a council estate where you 'had to rob milk'. I know someone who still does that, Likes a cup of tea and fag. Weeeeellll. Best so far. Very good looking and seems nice although did say he 'respects women' as well (red flag). He's putting men on blast! Saying he's the 'anti-man.' Great strategy. ABZ. Jackson Five? His motto in life is 'fuck it'. I can get behind that. Mine is 'forget about it', so not far off. Let himself down a bit by going in dressed as a Dappy tribute act. But still the best so far, by a mile. Admittedly, the standard is not high.
Chelsea is doing 'London talk' lol. Going on about money and his Bentley. He'll be 'last to bed and first up.' Well we won't know cos no live feed. Ha, had to put it out there. He's there for 'the experience.' Yawn. He's dressed like an Asian Jarvis Cocker with Lego hair. Self proclaimed 'the guv'nor.' We'll be the judge of that.
I was gonna go back and watch all the VTs to see what I'd missed, but you know what? LIFE IS TOO SHORT. You get the idea.
OK, so now to the (potentially show ruining) twist. They all have to stand behind a podium saying something or another. Timebomb flashbacks. No one really gives a shit which podium they're standing behind.
I only like ONE PERSON so they'd better not go. *cut to them going* Why is Big Brother reading out all the words? Yawn.
Cut to the others playing with dollies. They have to target someone based solely on the words they chose. They chose to target the self-proclaimed 'sexy' person! Ha. SEXIST, more like. Of course, it would be a girl.
It's dumb to target the sexy person. Target 'intelligent' or 'gameplayer', dumbos. Why am I surprised? The others have the collective IQ of Jack Tweed.
Laura is nominated, but at least she doesn't get evicted on the spot. Ha, and at least she gets to nominate as well. First night nominations are always risky, remember Anouska (probably not, and frankly, I'm shocked I do). Jackson: 'Take your time, sweetheart.' Game planner!
Laura nommed Lateysha. RACIST! Nomming the black girl the first night. You gotta laugh. Or cry.
Two women on the block, standard. Emma: 'Or are they?' Probably not. Remember that week they just flipped the noms over cos it suited them? Haha. THE RULES CAN CHANGE AT ANY TIME! EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! And so on.
I am now 36. And I still fucking love Big Brother. The podcast will be on Friday, right here: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm