Big Brother UK 2016: Two to tangle

WHY OH WHY?

EVERYONE is getting booed, I love it. Let's get ANDY or EMMA out. Waste of space. Airtime deficit. I've voted for the pair of 'em.
Laura does seem like someone who is going to get fat in the house. No shade as my entire diet is bread and potatoes, ha.
Evelyn speaks! God, Emma (twin, although host, too) is so bugging. 'Make friends.' Fuck off.
Georgina's cake is the final straw for her. 'I take an insult as a personal criticism.' I take it as a compliment. They could have shown the fucking cake.
Natalie: BORING. Zzzz.
Marco is after Emma now. EHEHEHEHEH. She's got FAKE BOOBS. Unnatural. 'I want to eat you up.'
Ryan REALLY fancies Hughie. I still feel like the boiler suits are quite boybandy. We've not seen a proper gay showmance have we? Mark and Christopher were really tame. We didn't even get to see the kiss thanks to Big Brother's crappy camerawork. OMG Ryan is joking about Hughie? OR he he covering for the fact Hughie isn't into him. I not only don't know, I don't care. Who would you have sex with out of Ryan or Hughie if you were a gay man? I think Hughie. But what about the rat hair?
Chelsea about Jayne: 'She is a lying fucking bitch.' Charming. Natalie is stirring the pot, haha. 'Dirty whore.' Dirty whore! Really? What a douche. I hate him FOREVER NOW. FOREVER.
Ryan has slept with a Chelsea football player. Bhahaha.
I love how miserable Georgina is. She's a one woman 'gate'. Hoodie gate. She hates Andy. 'Hoodie investigation.' Andy is so pissy as well. I'm surprised they're not friends. Lateysha is not happy to be woken up. I liked Georgina rulebooking her.
Andy and Jackson are an airtime void. NON-ENTITIES. Marco isn't getting much airtime this episode, which is great for his game. Georgina needs a stress ball. I haven't even seen a stress ball in five years. We must get to the bottom of hoodiegate and cakegate.
Marco philosophising on Georgina's mental health. 'I used to be a bit of a princess.' LOLOLOL. I LOVE MARCO. 'I will leave you with that.' Kisses fingers. 'Offsies.' OFFSIES.
I note the BBUK hashtag isn't trending AS USUAL. Losers.
Andy is LITERALLY wringing his hands. 'It's like every day you're going from one thing that's annoyed you to the next.' That is what LIFE IS. Andy is a one man shrug.
Marco loves his fiancé to pieces. Andy is talking to him like he's a toddler. He's determined to stop Marco and Laura having sex for some reason. KILLJOY. Text proposal. Class.
Andy is dressing in drag to prove he's not boring. It's not working. I'MNOTBORING.
Jackson: 'Georgina looks right mardy half the time.' True that. 'Street kid loses again.' Ha. Why is he so sure Georgina is going? 'I'm Aladdin and she's Princess Jasmine.' Cringe. I still love Jackson.
Why is Lateysha wooden spooning about the hall pass? Zzzz.
Ryan and Hughie. Rughie? Hyan? They're gonna fuck, hundo.
I'm marvelling at Marco's tattoos in HD. Andy is worried about Marco's perception. Hahahaha. Pull the other one, mate. Marco actually listens to this crap from Andy, which I find mind-boggling. Andy is worrying about women being subjugated. Some women like being subjugated so STFU. Jut ask Andrew (Masterplan! Rented mansion! Racist tweets!) I don't presume to know how gay men want to be treated. Marco just said 'two to tangle.' OMG. That will be in stone from now on.
Finally this others shit ends. So tedious. Hope they don't fuck up the feed this time.
Evelyn just said 'Hughie looks annoying, though.' BHAHAHAHA. She'll learn to love him like we do.
Why is Jayne introducing herself? 'Dementia' awareness campaigner.' Haha. Charlie: 'I love you, Jason, I'm sorry.' Great, another showmance! Jason looks AGOG! That is genuine shock. OMG he's crying. Amazing. That was something real that just happened, believe it or not.
Oh, the others shit didn't actually end. Dear GOD.
Here we go. Ooh, Georgina got SOME cheers. Even Marco did. Cue cards!
Fuckeries, Marco is out. I hate you all. Marco: 'Boo more!' Yeaaaaaaahhhh. That's £3 down the drain. I hate vote to evict sooooo much! CRAP. Vote to evict is just a passport for floaters, a DEADWOOD paradise.
Aw, Marco is surprised to be out and not taking it personally. He's already rubbing his nose.
So should I be happy that after 15 years or whatever Marco is the first man to be evicted first? I suppose I should. Girl power. Sigh.
OMG I only just noticed Marco's trousers. Amaze. Leopard print leggings. And the SHOES.
Emma lambasting Marco for 'having fun on night two.' Emma is slut-shaming Marco. Hahaha! FOR GOD'S SAKE. I would have paid money to see him fuck in the DR chair.
Emma; 'You've got to rein it in.' Why tell a housemate to rein it in? REIN IT OUT. Is it rein or reign? I'm drunk.
Marco: 'Big Brother told me about Kim and my court case.' HAHAHAHA. What a fucking JOKE. That will be cut out of tomorrow's edited highlights.
Marco: 'Is she here?' about his fiance. Emma: 'No, she's not.' She enjoyed that. She is SUCH a square.
Marco is gutted. DRY MOUTH. At least he got the wub wubs on his best bits. Haha squeezing lemon in his eye in his best bits. YES! Marco's laugh gets a best bits of it's own. 'Cool cats'. LOL.
WHERE'S THE COCAINE? Not for Marco, for me, having to cope with these shitty housemates.
Chelsea: 'You've taken my best friend away.' about Marco. Shut up, you dirty whore. Jackson: 'Georgina's only a girl. Marco's my boy.' FUCK OFF! I'm so disappointed in him.
FFS. I hate this series. Podcast tomoz. Thanks for the emotional support.

Big Brother UK 2016: Don't speak to Big Brother like that

The others are immune? Ugh.

What the fuck is going on in the world? We're shooting dead MPs? Perhaps start with Farage, then? Seriously though, what a week for news. The world is terrifying. So when people ask why you still watch Big Brother, this is why. Because we can be in the house with them, away from the news, away from the world, away from anything serious. Unfortunately, still with Jayne.
I don't know who's been nommed. Maybe no one does? I stayed off Twitter today in case other people knew.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT JAYNE. I actually agreed with James Jordan (I know, wtf) on BOTS when he said 'Nobody cares.' Less than nobody. We always say put oldies in the house, then they put oldies in and they are an embarrassment.
Lateysha is worried the others are watching her 'do a shit.' I think there's a special channel for that. She misses putting make up on Chelsea. No comment.
Chelsea is pretending he doesn't know why Jayne is there. He's twitching, bad. Look at his diamond earrings. All that money, no taste whatsoever. What a twonk. Is he enjoying his Big Brother 'experience'? I doubt it.
Texses! It's TEXTS FFS. I feel like I'm watching Jeremy Kyle. Jayne is a pain in my arse. Bring back Andrew, etc.
Ooh they're doing the shopping list! Haven't seen that for a while. I love the shopping list wars. Always reminds me of Science. What a housemate. Memories.
Jayne can 'anayalate' Chelsea in one second. Chelsea is anayalating her at the mo by revealing she slept with John Terry and Sven Goran Errikson. HAHAHAHA. Who would be interested in a kiss and tell on Chelsea? YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS.
Andy is RUINING the ghost story. He is SUCH A MISERY GUTS. Sam: 'Are you calling me a liar? Are you calling my mum a liar?' Bad time to start a fight, just before noms. Epic fail. He's meant to be 'intelligent'. Self-proclaimed intelligent professional killjoy. Also, what he's saying isn't even right. There are MANY unexplained things in life (admittedly, ghosts aren't one of them). 'Colourful sex life my arse.
NOMINATIONS. At last. How can we only just be at this point. Ryan can't be nommed. WHYYYYYYY? I want him out.
Laura nommed Georgina for being negative and Sam because his mum's a liar. No, not really. Cos he turned on her when he heard the crowd boo her. That is bad. Fairweather friend.
Jason nommed Lateysha for 'over-acting' and Laura for getting it on with Marco. Why not nom Marco? Oh I know, because HE'S A MAN!
Evelyn nommed Georgina and for being a 'downer' and Andy for looking at her because she's stupid. Andy does look at people like they're a bit of shit on his shoe.
OMG Jason suddenly turning feminist, going back into the DR and asking to change his vote. 'It aint right. I have to nom Marco too.' AMAZING.
I'm glad BB didn't accept him changing the nom. Jason is just trying to look good for the cameras. Sorry, we have to accept your first sexist nomination.
Andy is trying to patch things up with Sam quick before nominations. Sam: 'I hate being patronised.' I fucking love it! It's my favourite.
Emma nommed Georgina and Andy for being negative.
Sam nommed Andy for calling his mum a liar and Marco for... well, being Marco.
Lateysha also nommed Marco by stealing Adjoa's line. And Andy. For being angry.
I love Hughie seeing through Chelsea messing about straight away. 'What am I in Downton Abbey, are yous all acting?' Hughie is great casting. I did not see it. But now I see! I see you, Hughie.
Georgina nommed Marco and Emma. I hate Emma but Emma will never go. I love Georgina's perma disgusted face. I really don't want Georgina to go. I like how annoyed she is with everything.
Andy nommed Emma for her energy bullcrap. He also nommed Evelyn for trying to be friends with people. Er, what? 'I can see she finds it difficult.' How could he not nom Marco! Weird.
Marco nommed Georgina in his whispering tones; end of. Big Brother digging out Marco. 'I fucking said it.' Big Brother: 'Marco, don't speak to Big Brother like that.' Marco nommed Andy for ghostgate. Marco is nomming like they're going to show Georgina and Andy his noms. Why is he being such a baby? MAN UP, SON.
Jayne is getting angry about towels. I heard a good rhyme with towel today in a song but I can't remember what it was.
Georgina doesn't want cake baking advice from Marco's greaseball arse. Looks like he's washed his hair in chip fat.
Jayne is airtime seeking. 'ARE YOU ON DRUGS? WHY DO I WANT TO GO HOME?' She's like Nikki Grahame's grandma. Settle down, dear. Give her a cup of Horlicks and a Xanax.
Big Brother is being a funny fucker today. I like Big Brother's tone in general this year, like 'whatevs.'
So who's up? Emma (why?), Andy, Georgina and Marco. No Laura! Haha. So Ryan failed to get Laura nommed. He better be up! Oh he just has to go back to the others? Put him on the block! It's a golden chance to get rid of him. WE CAN'T LOSE MARCO THIS EARLY. Is it vote to evict?
Do I admire Ryan for not trying to get Laura put up? Not really. But I'm glad Laura's not up. Let's face it, it's what Big Brother wanted. She was a classic first boot. I love it when BB doesn't get what he wants.
Chelsea is getting on my nerves. I know he's a good character but he's got a nasty streak.
Cookery time. If someone is saying 'I don't know how black the crust is meant to be,' I don't think that cake is going well.
Aw, Andy trying to be cool letting Marco feed him crisps. Prawn cocktail. Embarrassing. Look at the state of that floor. Animals.
Ryan and Hughie are getting off. Laura and Marco are getting off again in the pool. Second hall pass? I think Marco just said 'slap my fucking nuts and call me a whore' but I may have misheard. Ah, he's doing his laugh again. EHEHEHEHEH. Music to my ears. My natural laugh has turned into the Marco laugh, which is very disturbing. Then Marco told Emma he loved her, even doing the 'not for adults' loveheart hands. Does he think that will ingratiate him back with his girlfriend? Sorry, fiancé.
Laura and Marco are shameless, naked in the bathroom. I am not even agog anymore. I'm meh.
Ryan and Hughie getting off was quite sweet in a weird way, unless I've gone mad (it's possible). They would have quite a tempestuous relationship, don't you think? Maybe it could kind of... work?
Shiiiiiiit it's vote to evict. Marco is FUCKED. What is the point of vote to evict! Vote to save would have removed the horrid twin from proceedings. You came as a package deal, lady, get the hell out. Let's VTE ANDY'S boring arse! Actually I'm not voting. Fuck this mess. But still. SAVE MARCO.

Big Brother UK 2016: I have the biggest bollocks in this house

Um, Ok, how to do they clean up the mess of last night? BOTS' attempt was a grand fail. The fake enthusiasm in the audience was palpable. I'm with Andrew's idea of renting a mansion, filling it with booze and filming it 24/7 until BB puts him back in the house. I would watch that. It couldn't be produced worse than last night's show. And I think it might be a lot more fun.
So the others are in the house writing shit with lipstick. It's not even a good lipstick colour. Hold on, Jackson wrote 'marry me' on Marco's pic? OK then.
I like the broken heart on Jason's face, very subtle. Also I did not enjoy hearing about his long, thin willy on BOTS.
Why have they written 'two faced' on Georgina? I like the fact they're written 'booooo' on Laura. It's like a cue card written in lipstick.
Twin is rewriting the graffiti to make it more positive. Chelsea: 'Write 'the real deal' on mine.' HA. 
Hughie is shredding the Shreddies box. Meta.
Lateysha calling Marco on his fiance nonsense. 'I had a hall pass, OK?' No, not OK.
Laura's regret happened quick, I don't think they've even been in there a week. I'd prefer them to carry on getting it on, it's more genuine. You've already fucked the relationship. Laura KNOWS THE GIRL CODE. The girl code is like the phantom 'girl's alliance'. DOES NOT EXIST.
Also on BOTS Jason was calling Sarah Harding Senior 'It' last night. Eww. I DON'T CARE about him and her and I care LESS about Jayne and Chelsea. It's a fake 'storyline' that we don't need and don't want. UNCLEAN.
Ryan is not good at tasks, is he. He's not good at being a housemate either. He's also a Diary Room bore. We've got Hughie for the DR amateur dramatics. We don't need you.
Marco: 'You've got an amazing arse, by the way' to the twin in front of Laura. What a man.
Ryan and Lateysha slut-shaming Laura, while Marco swans around as usual. Sigh. They should just create a room in the house called 'Slutshame corner' where people go to bitch about women's loose morals. That would be a well-used room in the house.
Laura admitting, 'they didn't have sex, but they did have sex.' What does that mean? Why would Marco's fiance be mad, HE HAD A HALL PASS, haha. Hall pass, my arse.
Not really buying Laura's 'poor me' act. She knew what she was getting into! Marco is ignoring her now. You can't dump someone four days into Big Brother. Well, I suppose you can.
Marco's dad is 'amazing but a bit of a cunt sometimes'.I'm sure he'll be pleased to hear that. *cuts up Marco's credit card*
What is going on with Evelyn? She is getting the Hira edit. She must have done one interesting thing.
Laura basically bragging about shagging Marco now. Sam: 'It was just a turtle head and then out.' To quote Lionel Blair, 'WERE YOU THERE?' Oh now Evelyn speaks up to ask if Marco's penis is worth the bother. Distinctly average, by the sounds of it. I'm tired of hearing girth talk on Big Brother. I can safely say I've never asked a friend about length of their partner's penis, let alone girth. TMI! STOP THAT.
Sam and Charlie are the roughest looking Big Brother housemates of all time. They both look in their forties.GRIM.
Another crappy task. Tasks have been rotten this year. Twists, worse. Jayne says Chelsea can't say he's attracted to anyone cos he's 'got a missus.' The old Darren Day defence! You can still FANCY PEOPLE.
Andy is saying Marco is overbearing. Andy is underbearing.
This bit from last night makes a bit more sense now, in the context that it was part of a longer game they were playing. The edit (technical difficulties my arse) was dreadful.
Chelsea is telling Jackson that Georgina misses him, aw. I want to see those two back together!
Charlie is so keen to say she's Jason's ex! I love the way Chelsea talks. He's like Del Boy.
I hate Jayne. What is the deal with her and Chelsea?! I know Chelsea is a good housemate and she is not. That's all I care about. Oh, OK, Jayne says Chelsea was trying to get with her when he's got a boyfriend. Interesting!
Jayne: 'He's not my type.' We know she's white people only. Natalie is boring the hell out of me, too.I don't see the point in her.
Jayne: 'We snogged.' Haha. I still use 'snogged'. Great word. This storyline is SO BORING.
Jayne: 'I've always been second best. I'm not here because of me. I'm here because of Chelsea.' Well you're not there for your sparkling personality, that's for sure.
Chelsea: 'Me and Marco were running the house over there.' In what way? Rulebooking? Cooking? How do you run the BB house? Oh I know, the impromptu trip to Miami. That really showed 'em.
I quite liked Natalie calling Chelsea out. 'You tried to pull her.' Ha.
Chelsea in the DR moaning he wants to go home then talking about the size of his bollocks. Make your mind up.
Big Brother: 'If you can handle it, why are you asking to leave?'
Chelsea: 'I want a bottle of wine.'
I like this stern Scottish Big Brother: 'Are you saying now you're going to leave if you don't get wine? We don't have any.'
Chelsea: 'OK, I'll go to bed.' HAHAHA.
Seriously though, when will this 'others' crap end? They are nomming now and we all know Marco and Laura will be up, and Laura will go. But I don't want either to go. I just want the others twist to end and then to start watching Andrew's new reality show in the rented mansion.

Big Brother UK 2016: Horror corrid-Borehamwood

Who could resist this face? LOL!

Well, at least my friend Dawn will get that title.
Fridge raiders: Big Brother edition. I think there should be more paranormal type tasks on Big Brother: Bunky behind the windows and all that (deep cut reference, so deep I have probably got the wrong person). Marco's laugh is becoming a housemate of it's own. I think I'm starting to like Marco? Like, not like him, but appreciate him as a human specimen of what too much money can do to a tiny mind, you know.
Lateysha telling Laura not to fuck Marco. It's too late! Marco has a chain of fiancées lines up by the sounds of it. He's only been with his current girl for two months! 'He's going to get girls flooding towards him' said someone insane. Only crackheads.
Laura and Marco have agreed to be just friends. HAHAHA. They'll be rutting again by the end of the episode. And 'rutting' is the right word for those pair.
I love Georgina vs the drippy twin, whining about tuna juice. You should be more worried about the fluids leaking out from Marco and Laura's gross orifices.
Ryan is pretending he doesn't know what optimistic means. Hughie thinks he has malaria. Sarah Harding Sr mentioned Cheryl Cole but luckily Andrew had been photoshopped out of the scene.
Lateysha: 'Some girls have too much slag in them, no not slag, inner whore.' I thought when she said 'not slag' she was going to say something nice! Haha. I admit I laughed, though. At least she clarified that it was unfair that Marco wouldn't get the shit for it, and Laura would, even though she herself is perpetuating that ideology by calling Laura the slag and not Marco. Lateysha continues: 'Georgina is a moany bitch.' I like Lateysha. I can't help it. She's actually one of the quieter ones, but she seems down to earth.
I can't follow this task, kind of because I can't be bothered. So Ryan has to do something or other - is it fail the task again? We know he can't. Have they removed Andrew from the edit entirely?
Oh god, not more guts and gore. I can't cope. I HATE ALEX. So bland. Bring back Andrew. WE MUST SEE HIS MASTERPLAN UNFOLD. Even though he wasn't smart enough to delete a couple of tweets. I've still not seen his BDSM video. I'm quite surprised he's a boxer or whatever the fuck he is. He looks like a little dweeb. But man, what a housemate.
This task is quite boring. I'm not scared.
OMG my friend just sent me the Andrew video. So here's why Andrew got kicked out. Really, Big Brother? The girl is laughing! Marco carries on worse than that in the house. The girl has come forward and said she's friends with him. He's spanking her. It's not like he's got her chained to the bed. And even if he did, if it was consensual, what the fuck has it got to do with you? I'm just surprised women sleep with Andrew, tbh. He looks like a shark.
So after ghosting Andrew the entire episode, they announce he's gotta leave. Why is BB such a prude? It's like Aaron Frew all over again, a storm in a teacup. But did Marco or Laura even get a warning for throttlegate? That is genuinely dangerous. Just ask Michael Hutchence.
Laura regrets what she's done in the house (but not with Marco- what then?) Andy: 'You have it within your power to stop it.' Andy is such a wet flannel.
Hughie is on lighter patrol but Jackson doesn't want him 'feeling up his balls, G.' Doesn't mind Sam feeling them, though. At least they made up quick. I think I might be starting to weirdly like human firework Hughie, too. He's just permanently aggrieved. Jackson came across a bit of a dick, there.
Andy: 'What have you done so far? Kissed and cuddled?' Laura: 'Just a bit of dry humping.' Nothing dry about that humping, bro. Marco not speaking to her anymore now she won't strangle him. Lol, Marco is the alpha male. You've got a problem, then. I'd put Georgina above him for that spot.
OMG everyone suddenly hates Marco. His singing is not going down well. Andy looks horrified. Marco is actually brilliant. I've decided now and there's no going back. What a housemate. He's got second or third boot (after a black woman, of course) written all over him.
Haha, this shitstir task. Andy labelled 'the worst at sex and the most boring.' 100% true because of the way he reacted to it. Everyone is defending Andy on Twitter 'oh he's a nice guy.' BORING. I don't want nice guys in BB, I want 18 Marcos and Andrews. I like Georgina getting pissy with Marco. I wouldn't cross her. I don't see how Georgina is two faced. She has a go at everyone, haha.
Charlie fancies Alex. She looks old enough to be his mum.
Marco wants to be 'free as a bird'. The twin is 30 'but looks 17/18.' according to Marco. Marco is like the Cheshire Cat. Picking his new target, haha.
Andy: You ARE boring.I've heard all this shit from creepy Chris last year. 'A varied and colourful sex life.' OMG gross. Spare me. He's been in A LIFT WITH LADY GAGA. AND BEEN TO SHOPS. I love how much he hates Marco. It makes me love Marco. 'I know I'm not boring.' Imagine having to say such a thing. Haha, you're deffo boring as shit if those words ever come out of your mouth. Who do you want in that house, Andy or Marco? Obviously Marco! And Andrew. But that ship has sailed.
OK, I'm onto the live episode now. Why is this a separate episode? I was worried my Sky Box wouldn't tape it, as that's the usual bullshit.
I don't know what's going on. The others have just chosen who's the 'biggest horror.' Why are they calling Chelsea 'the biggest horror'? Jackson just said 'wagwon'. I love thumbs aloft Chelsea. Boo! Hughie: 'Jane's description of him was horrible. I don't know what I'm talking about.' That much is true. 'We don't like his haircut.' Another good reason. Then mentioned 'throwing under the bus.' True gamer. Hughie FTW. I've gone full circle on Hughie. I think he's brilliant.
Haha at them pretending to be shocked about 'the others'. Hilarity. Hardly 'I knew it, I knew it' is it. Someone goes, 'I knew we were getting another one.' Easy come, easy go, hey?
I love Chelsea's mod Jarvis Cocker look. His haircut is looking on point. My friend Dawn said, 'Spock vs Liam Gallagher' which is certainly something to ask your hairdresser for. I also like Big Brother saying 'dethision' instead of 'decision.' I like Chelsea's matter of fact style of dealing with BB. 'Now what?'
They won't get rid of Chelsea. They've lost two housemates already. Oh, he's gonna be an other. BORING. 'Can I ask you something? Is Alex and... oh actually, you won't answer.' Ha.
'I KNEW IT.' Hahaha. Marco fucking knew it cos he bust out, en route to Miami, and saw Alex through the window FFS!
Jason: 'Unlike the public, who get an hour a night, the others watch 24/7.' Good point! He's a live feeder, haha.
Er, there's gremlins in Big Brother's system so we missed Chelsea going into the house! Are adverts the new bird feed? What the fuck is going on? Haha, what a fucking mess. This series of Big Brother is a JOKE! The others are like the fucking Raggy Dolls.
Marco called to the DR! Get to stepping, you prick. Haha, just joking, I love Marco. He's lush.
Marco: 'I miss Chelsea.' He only left two minutes ago. Haha. 'I'm upset.'
Marco is worn out 'physically and mentally' from the game. He'll miss cracking jokes with 'cool cat' Chelsea at night. Big Brother is doing some mind games on Marco. Bit unfair as he's unhinged anyway.
Restaurant talk! Zebra crossing. 'Tune into BBBOTS for the fallout.' What fallout? I feel like something was meant to happen but didn't.
Seriously, what was the twist? That show was called 'Live twist revealed'. Also on the blurb it says 'Emma reveals what Big Brother is really up to.' Where was Emma? The episode started with silence and ended with bird feed. In between someone just went to the other house, then someone was called to the DR. GOOD TV! Fucking hell. Bring back Andrew!
Please, can another channel just buy Big Brother and sort this fucking mess out? It's beyond a joke.

Big Brother UK 2016: You don't have to stick your finger in every situation

Spoiler alert! Andrew has been ejected for his gross tweets. Gross tweets aside, it's a shame as he was one of the only compelling housemates in there. Also, can't BB check people's tweets before they go in? Can we get a Tila Tequila? I know they've given up on social media but really. Just search *housemates name* then *racist/homophobic slur*. It's not that hard. Twitter seems to do it within about five minutes after launch. Cheryl Cole ruins another programme! (victim blame). I do feel a bit deflated after this news, though. Put Andrew in BB18, they don't mind a racist. He was doing something genuinely interesting in there, like a next level Marc O Neil. Now who's the mastermind without Andrew? Hughie? Twin X?
I can't cope with too much more of the Marco and Laura show, can you? The tit chewing, the gurning, it's like you were trying to click on handjob on Pornhub and you've clicked on 'hardcore gangbang' by mistake.
Big Brother is checking Laura is OK. Force feed her a morning after pill FFS. We can't have her and that reproducing, we've already got the 'give your head a wobble' tattooed baby to contend with (if it exists, although I didn't believe Jade had cancer either and I got that one wrong). Marco's is nature's greatest mingebag. He needs a Channel 5 documentary of his own, like the tree man, or the boy who's skin fell off. Him and Laura are a match made in magazine-deal-dom.
I like seeing Andrew trying to strategise with Ryan. It's like Professor Brian Cox trying to reason with Megan McKenna.
Andy: 'There's been a cigarette squirrel.' He doesn't want to make a big deal of it but... weeeeellll. I fucking hate Andy. At least creepy Chris had some semblance of charm. Although he was obsessed with smoking, too.
Charades. How low we've stooped. Alex's arse don't impress me much. Mr Boring. BLAND! Give me my rat boy Jackson instead.
Victoria: 'What do you want us to do, sit around and moan?' Why not? 'There's a low vibrancy frequency' whatever that means. It's all Wolfy bullshit, isn't it, all karma and spirituality and that rot. 
Marco looks like he's permanently in fancy dress. I love the fact Georgina hates him. 'Laura's just going to go and suck his willy. It's like he shits glitter and gold to Emma. We need a dart tranquilliser for him.' That much is true. But he's so coked up, would it even work? A drone might do it.
Ryan is getting a 'BUT THE REAL TASK IS.' But he's so stupid he probably doesn't understand it.
GUNK. Scarecrows. Who the fuck is this dude giving out the punishments,some little ork. OUTSIDE CONTACT.
Ryan looks like he's gonna do a Mark Byron style vom. He's also fucking up the task by not making anyone quit. Haha they are just piling everything on Ryan now. LOL.
I'm not sure about the glasses on Alex. I'm calling eek.
Laura is being game about being covered in slop; can't be worse than being covered in Marco's saliva and pre-cum. Blergh.
Alex rubbing his crotch in Charlie's face cheered her up. That fake tan is really ageing, isn't it?
Hughie is eating an orange in a weird manner. At least it's not an apple. Jackson is being pissy about Ryan failing a task. I'll cheer you up, Jackson.
Jayne has got one up on Chelsea by being in the other house. How does that work exactly? You're in a boiler suit with Hughie and Natalie. Chelsea is bragging about wads of cash, wearing his designer charity shop chic, in close proximity to a zebra.
Laura: 'Part of me thinks my relationship with him has put me in a bad light, but it does take two to tango.' Two to tango klaxon. Alert Emma and Daley. 'Part of her'. Hahahaha. Which part?
I like Georgina vs the twin. I love Georgina slagging off the energy bullshit. It IS bullshit. Twin doesn't like people moaning? Fuck you. Georgina doesn't want to be 'aggy'. Victoria doesn't like Emma 'talking about someone behind their back on national TV.' I'm not sure that's even possible. If you're on TV, it's not behind someone's back. Twin don't like the energy now. What energy does she like? What is a twin without her other twin? Just a tw.
Watching housemates dance 'at a party' is one of my greatest joys in life. Marco is like, 'where are the rails of cocaine?'
I don't think the only reason Jason is in there is cos of Sarah Harding Jr. Although admittedly, I can't think of another reason.
TRUTH OR DARE. Now we're talking. Naked Marco? You can do better than that, BB.
Ryan: 'I don't know why I can't just be a normal housemate, I'm obviously sound.' Er.
I will miss Andrew's face looking disgusted with Marco and Laura. Laura shouldn't get the flak for it.
I can't even comment on Ryan's faux DR rants. He is so fake ass.
Jayne seems somewhat unhinged don't you think. I know there's some underlying issue there, I'm just trying to work out what.
Alex is giving everyone a kiss including Jackson. Fair play. Lucky Natalie is getting a kiss off Jackson too, even though he's her son's age. I wouldn't say no!
Threesome chat in the boudoir. £50 for a ticket to go swinging. Can I take a look at the goods first? I don't want it to be like that dogging programme I saw on Channel 4 once.
Andrew: 'My unmatched perspicacity matched with my sheer undefeatibility (not a word according to my spell check) makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human endeavour.' He needs time. I don't think that's something he's got, although he does know words of more than one syllable, even if some are made up. 'Ryan is not loyal to the cause. Ryan is not prepared for war. He is of no use to me or the others.' Ryan is a (to use his word) goon. Even Andrew's body language in the DR is majestic. He's like a perfect housemate. No wonder he had to go. Just like Jeremy, the swimsuit botherer. He was my perfect housemate until the sexual assault.
They are mad for bandanas in BBUK and wearing them knot side forward, which is not approved of in America (although Canada doesn't mind). Charlie wants to rekindle things with sausage fingers Jason. Why? No one knows. She said she treated him like shit and told him to get botox!
Marco has dared Evelyn to take her top off. She seems obliging. Who is Evelyn? What motivates her? I don't think I've ever heard her speak.
Andrew will allow the Andrew/ Laura snog (lol). He really is Drexel. At least Andrew got a bit of action before he left.
Sam had an eightsome! Is that even a thing? Is that with an octopus? Seven power troopers? Power rangers? Power trippers more like. 
Marco's laugh is really getting quite grating. I mean, even more grating than mine.
Andrew sizing up Marco in the garden was beautiful. Marco: 'One person's craziness is another person's reality.'One spoilt little rich cunt is another person's meal ticket.
Evelyn and Laura's boob-off is actually tragic. Singing Titanic, too! I am ashamed to be female.
Jackson wants to screw the others to 'get back home'. It's not your home. You can't steal any milk. BB still hasn't worked out what the rules are. But they have decided to kick out the best housemate. Nice one, geezer.

Big Brother UK 2016: Auto-erotic as-prick-yxiation

My face while watching tonight's show.

'The undercover mission goes on undetected'. Er... OK then! What about when Marco blew it last night? Have I got amnesia? I know I was drunk, but I definitely recall Marco saying 'I saw Alex through the window.' I mean, I'm glad they showed us it, but don't do that and then start the show by pissing on my leg and telling me it's raining (thank you, Judge Judy).
I haven't blogged the past two nights cos we've podded the ever hotter mess of this show of doom. Last night's show was a glorious spectacle, from Chelsea's inexplicable height rise and thumbs going, to snake gate, to Ryan's meltdown. It was like a really good Corrie episode, when there's no shit storylines.
Emma the twin has 'hectic goosebumps.' Her sister Victoria has gone off to Glastonbury or some shit to hug a tree. I did admire Victoria's stance on meat eating 'opening the fridge to a murdered corpse.' Morrissey says yes. I wonder what BB thinks of Victoria being there alone? Is she a strong enough individual housemate? Does she eat meat? I guess we'll find out.
Sam's neck acne is making me barf.
'Despite the discovery of the other house, the housemates are unaware that Andrew and Ryan are undercover to take them down.' What? I have lost the map, let alone the rule book. HOW exactly are they taking them down?
Andrew: 'It's a game and it needs to be treated like a game. I'm a positive guy.' Mate, you make Darth Vader look like good father material. I think he needs to look up what 'philanthropist' means in the dictionary. I love him though, one of the best Big Brother villains in recent years.
Andy is in the DR having a boo hoo, this is pure creepy Chris except creepy Chris could be amusing. He is tired of being seen as nice, yet he's annoyed the others are upset that two nice guys have gone and does that mean he isn't seen as nice?' Make your mind up, bro.
Andy doesn't want to talk about 'drugs, tripping and fucking girls.' GET OUT. Slagging off Lateysha for not mentioning her daughter! That's a bit below the belt. The BAD MOTHER CARD. The LAST thing I want to hear about is someone's kids. Boring. What does HE want to talk about? WEAK PLAYER. Pious, boring. Pack your bags.
Marco got bullied at school because he was rich and he can't even make an omelette. I hope his dad is hanging his head in shame. Admittedly I can't make an omelette, but my dad isn't an award winning chef. Plus I don't like eggs.
Ryan is crying. Marco: 'You're part of the family, man!' Unlucky.
They are showing the others what went on after the eviction! The original others are laughing! Jane has stomped off while watching the highlights and is missing Chelsea's thumbs aloft and Marco's three minute jaunt to Miami.
Jane seems to have a real problem with Natalie, I wonder what it could be? Trouble riser! Natalie: 'Take him away, talk to the hand.' She is SUPER annoying. The others are AWFUL HUMANS.
Jackson: 'Ryan and Andrew are pricks.' 'They're not pricks.' Jackson: 'Well, acting like pricks.' I don't understand the other house anymore. Can't we just bulldoze it?
Andrew: *gleefully* 'I'm going to be the most hated man in the world.' Ha. He's being sent back into the other house to discuss who to nominate.
Andrew going back in there and barely getting a hug, poor sod. Then going 'I took a bullet, acting like a cunt.' Hahahaha. Brilliant.
Jackson is getting more gangster and Andrew looks weary. 'You're a pussyhole, you're going to get mashed up.' You can't upset Andrew, he doesn't feel emotion, he's like the Terminator.
I love Andrew's matter of fact way of talking in the diary room. He's a dispassionate baddass.
Andrew: 'Ryan is no use to me. I'm not even going to tell Ryan about the task.' I'm literally crying.
Marco's got make up on and is acting the goat. 'Show some respect.' Fuck off, you turd. And don't call me sweetheart. You can tell Georgina hates him. I think I might like her, you know. I know she's missing my man Jackson.
Georgina: 'Marco has the attention span of a spoon.' A spoon is smarter. I liked her calling the Tasmanian devil.
Meanwhile in the pod, Laura is strangling Marco with a belt. Does Big Brother step in? Nope, they let her carry on. Fair dos. Now we know why he always looks like his eyes are popping out of his head. That and his massive coke habit. If they're doing this sort of shit on day four or five, what the fuck are they going to be doing in two weeks? Being evicted, probably.
In the garden Marco is gnawing on Laura's boobs. Is that included in the hall pass? I want someone to see and kick off. These people are fucking animals. Honestly, I have never seen anything like it. What is up with her? Doesn't she realise she's going to be the one demonised, not that that little shit?
Why is Hughie always shouting at someone! What is he even shouting about? I actually feel sorry for Jackson and Alex stuck with these feral others. I hate Hughie. Get him out. Aw, it was cute when the others cheered over the wall.
Natalie: 'Diary room, bitch.' LOL.
I have no idea what is going on in this show anymore. No one has any redeeming features. There's no context for either the sex or the arguments. It's like Big Brother on speed.
Ryan: 'I can't say if there's another house.' Hahahaha. Even these thickos aint that dumb.
Hughie is doing a 'Megan' in the DR but I can't understand what he's saying. 'I will train others how to argue.' WHAT? 'I will take 17 people down.' Eh? Just fuck off, mate.
Then he goes, 'This is the calm before the storm.' If this is the calm before the storm, the storm is going to be some Biblical shit. Grab a life vest!
Car bragging. Chelsea: 'I looked like a cunt with blonde hair, and I look like a cunt with black hair.' Weeeeeellll.
Laura and Marco are just exhibitionists and scum.  Just awful. Marco: 'You're shaven and you can definitely sit on my face tonight.' HOW ROMANTIC. He has his hands down her pants IN THE GARDEN. Go under the covers FFS. 'I just want to spank you and show you who's boss.' Then she goes 'we're just really good mates.' What planet is she on?
Marco: 'I want to fuck you in every room in this house. Like I don't even know you, just fuck you. I want to call you a cunt. Be the first people to do it in the diary room. It would be sick.' Sacrilege!  That did make me laugh, though. I hope they do it in a really sick way. Marco is literally feral. 'Fuck buddies. Done.' Hahaha! He is such a CREEPER. Now they're getting it on in bed and everyone's watching. This makes Steven Goode and Kimberley's antics look demure.
WHAT AM I WATCHING???? Answers on a postcard to Marco Pierre White (boy day).

Big Brother UK 2016: Pussy come, pussy go

Eek or creep? Creekp.

What is it, the others special today? Andrew wants to get 'in the big house'. Isn't the big house traditionally prison (thanks, Jim McDonald).
Ryan: 'I've come in here to be one of the main characters but I'm living in a shed at the side of Big Brother.' Weeeellll. I think Ryan thinks he's diary room gold when actually he's diary room astro-turf vomit. Pauline has whipped a politician. I find her so fucking boring I can't even be bothered to Google who.
Sad to hear Lateysha describe herself as a wart(hog). She's lovely. Is Georgina calling herself fat too (piglet?) Tragic.
I thought Jackson wasn't going to crack onto girls *proceeds to crack onto Laura*. But is still cuddling Sam. He goes on about 'pussy' (which should be pronounced pusssssseeeeeehhhh) all the time, yet claims he's 'anti man.' I can't work him out. Any clues? I don't think he's actually seen a pussy. It doesn't go on a pedestal. It's not like the inside of an apple. I think he's a cock man.
The others are watching the housemates. They hate everyone (except Andy - yawn). The others: 'We're much better than that.' You're not. You're MUCH worse, and that's saying something.
Was Sam not suspicious when Big Brother asked him in detail about his ex Ryan? I mean come on, even that thick twat must have smelt a rat.
Oooh, Jane knows Chelsea but won't say how. He blows ten grand in one night. Amateur. See how she kept quiet about knowing him! OMG gamer. Nice one. See the way she behaved compared to Ryan? Very, very interesting. She has gone up in my estimation greatly.
Hughie: 'I'm going to destroy Lateysha' for no reason.
Ryan didn't react too well to seeing Sam, did he, lol. 'I'm foaming at the mouth.' Shame it's not because you've just swallowed a pint full of arsenic.
Is Ryan allowed to say 'I'll set about' someone? I really want to punch this guy. I want to actually kill him.
Jane is confessing she knows Chelsea but they fell out. I wonder what they fell out about? I like the fact they have these older people in here, even though they're a bit peculiar. Or maybe because they are.
Alien talk. No one can top Tila Tequila for this shit. Believing in aliens is like saying you watch TV or breathe. Everyone believes in aliens. Even my mum.
Hughie may be the thickest person who has EVER been on Big Brother. Like EVER. He's completely gormless. Has anyone checked he's breathing?
Oh no, the others don't want to target their exes cos they want to confront them. I want their exes out. And them. Pretty much everyone, really.
WTF is the 'Tree of Sins'? The Tree of Temptation will be fuming. Although he's probably on landfill somewhere since they turned him into the 'chest of complaints' or whatever the fuck it was. Oh it's a shitstir task. I can't follow what's going on cos there's too many people in the house, what with the people watching (the others, there aren't any viewers watching, let's face it) and everything. There's just people and a task and I can't make head nor tail of it. What were the answers in the end, even? I'm lost.
They all hate Evelyn because she's beautiful. Who did Hughie call slaggy? I'd rather be slaggy than be a human flytrap.
I like seeing Ryan getting so upset, but he has a point about Sam looking old. Ryan is so, so horrible. I think he might be the worst person ever invented.
The twins 'believe they're aliens from out of space.' Yeah, course they do. 'Former alien.' Former housemate would be preferable.
Who is the guy hosting this comp? I don't even recognise him. It's jean rips, isn't it? Jackson has slept with 300 'people'. So there's hope for us all. That's reassuring.
I don't buy for a second all these people 'conveniently' talking about their exes. Also, it's quite boring. I'd rather just see people get to know each other naturally. I know it's too much to ask. Normal conversations. People making tea, messing around. Instead we get all this bullshit.
Charlie is upset that Jason has stolen her 'limelight.' He looks like a sausage and she looks like Sarah Harding down the crackhouse. I don't care about their relationship/non relationship. Charlie is 31? And she uses botox? Not a good advert for it. Crap people, crap characters, waste of airtime.
Laura must be fucking desperate to be Marco's 'hall pass'. He's ENGAGED. Don't get me wrong, he's the fucking pig. But she is TRAGIC. He is a pervert.
Laura: 'I'd definitely fuck Marco. No, I'd want him to fuck me really hard.' You are grim city. Hold on, I think I said a similar thing about Marco on Twitter on launch night, bhahahaha. Weeeeellll. It's still grim as fuck, though. It's about as far from Helen and Paul as it's possible to get.
Who does Hugie look more like Elvis or Elton John? Elvton John.
The others are putting Alex up for eviction because 'he seems nice and he won't go.' Haha. OK then. This was Andrew's doing! Poor Alex. Oh hold on, I thought Alex was the gay journalist.  Oh that's Andy. Too many people! I like Andrew's style. Too many 'A' names, though.
Alex then PUT Andy up, so that confused me further. What sort of idiot on the block puts a gay guy up and not a pretty girl? Stoooooooopid.
Also, on what basis did Alex think he was nominated? Pot luck? Lucky dip? This doesn't add up. I still don't get why the others wouldn't nominate the people they HATE! Are they dumb? Oh.
Ryan is ALWAYS MOANING. He's SUCH a ratbag. I know we're meant to hate him but it's really working, I really FUCKING HATE HIM. I need a new word for hate.
Can the main housemates see the spaces on the wall for the others? What is going on? Does anyone know?
Andy is concerned that Marco is invading Laura's vagina (he hand motioned to that area). I don't think she minds. I think Andy is the one who feels uncomfortable. Laura 'hasn't led him on' and would fuck him if she has a few drinks so who's actually bothered? She's 'trying to be polite'. Sad, isn't it? Andy's moral crusade is falling a little flat, save that fake-ass shit for the end game. Let the muggy fools fuck themselves out of the game. Then Andy declared himself a snake when he hugged Marco. Andy is so creepy Chris, it's almost too much. The moralising, the pseudo-intellectualism, the fact he's probably actually be a mate of mine.
Laura didn't really go to the DR to complain about Marco. She said she was still thinking about fucking him.
Man talk in the pod with Marco, Jason and Chelsea (what a stud crowd). Marco is annoyed Laura won't fuck him after two days, even though he has a fiance.
Marco: 'My hands have been everywhere. This is some teasing bullshit. I'm not here to play games.'
Jason: 'We're 24 hours in.'
Marco: 'Then why is she letting my hands wander?' She's being polite, apparently. And that say men and women are equal. Ha. To illustrate the point:
Marco: 'Pussy come, pussy go, it's all the same.' Jason: 'What you've got to remember is pussy is permanantly here at the moment.' Charmed, I'm sure. Is this better or worse than Ash and Marlon's 'slutbucket' files? I think it's worse because Chelsea and Jason are grown men. Marco is a fucking spoilt little kid.
Anyway, how long before Marco goes the full Daley? I give it three days tops. At least he got a warning, I suppose. I can see him doing a Jeremy and trying to check Laura's swimsuit out uninvited. His dad must be proud. All these successful people who work their arses off, get loads of money, and they just produce these children who don't know their arse from their elbow. Instagrammed, vacant, devoid of emotion, coked-up, dull, horny dumbass donkeys. Thick fuckwits. I think I'd rather be poor or sterilised if that's the next generation. And it is.
Anyway, all this is pointless, as no one is getting evicted anyway. Where's the reset button when you need it? Oh, and the vodka.
Podcast tomorrow. I think we've got enough material, right?

Big Brother UK 2016: Neighbourhood crotch(ety)

Back again? Well, we know as a BBUK fan you're a glutton for punishment, so I'm not surprised to see you here. I was laughing today at people begging the BBUK Twitter account for tweet updates from the house. Not live feed, TWEET UPDATES. They can't even be bothered to do that now. For fuck's sake, even your average charity tweets several times a day. This is meant to be a real-time show. Do you remember the red button? The split screen where we could choose from four cameras? I know, I'm old. But they still have this shit in America and Canada and the fanbase speaks for itself. BBUK was trending last night on Twit (launch night), but I didn't even see it on there tonight. They've dropped the ball so badly, yet they're too stubborn to even admit it, so they just keep digging and digging. This COULD be the last BBUK we see. I would not be surprised.
Anyway, enough moans. So what's on the agenda tonight? It will all be above board, good clean fun, just letting people get to know each other naturally, I'm sure. Ha.
I can't believe they're revealing the twist already tonight! What's the point of having a secret house for one day? Seems like a lot of fuss about nothing. Oh, OK, it wasn't quite revealing it, just showing the others VTs of the housemates.
Ok, so we're getting to meet the others in more detail now. Andrew (Pob) is a chess champion and a cunt. Hughie is a bisexual Irish traveller with really bad woollen black hair. Thick as shit. Jane (blonde, older) catches cheating spouses. Natalie (black, older) is a dominatrix. Ryan is a self-hating gay man. Charlie looks like the other old blonde one, and not even that much younger. She's a lapdancer. I'm glad we got to find out more about them. Ryan is obviously the most punchable. What an arse. 'Might as well go home now.' See ya, then. he's like Maaaaark (think eyebrows) without the charm and Maaaaaark had ZERO charm. Judging by his posts that someone has dug up on Twitter he's also a complete sexist. He's just the housemate equivalent of the BB producers trolling US! I see you, Big Brother.
Is Sam of the alleged great hair really 23? He has had a HAAAAAAAARDDDD paper round. There are crows in Blackpool sans claws.
The 'others house' (great name) looks cheap as fuck. The war room is even cheapo, those little wooden mannequins are like a fiver in The Works. And the name tags! I've had better name tags on a training course in Ewell.
Andy is giving advise to Lateysha that she doesn't look like she wants. Mixer! I think I don't like Laura already. She seems like an attention seeker. On bbuk, I know, you'd hardly believe it. Shocking.
Marco has a hall pass from his fiance for Big Brother (so he can shag someone else). I love it. What lucky lady will take him up on this offer? It's not really that enticing, is it? He literally has pre-emptive Big Brother brain. I suppose it's better to do that that fuck about once you get in there like people normally do. I hope his girlfriend has a hall pass, too!
Lateysha, we can see your knicks in the DR chair. Her body is good! I like her so far.
The others are watching the VTs of the main housemates. Andrew seems like a real fun guy, doesn't he? I like the fact he called the twins 'targets'. He's a gameplanner, alright!
Jason (Terry Tibbs) is Charlie's (Sarah Harding's) ex. He called her 'broken'. That's a bit mean. Seems like they only just broke up so that's a bit cruel putting them in together. And she still loves him! Not cool, Big Brother. Not cool.
I love Andrew saying 'let's get revenge'! I think he's gonna be good TV. He's always looking for an angle.
Marco: 'Do you like being choked?' What a chat up line. Evelyn: 'I don't like too much slapping.' Dear God. First night small talk has changed, hasn't it? Makes you pine for Steven Goode and his 190 countries.
Hmm, Jackson is stroking Sam's hair. Guys are so hetro-flexible these days, I can't keep track!
Why is Natalie rounding on Andrew for giving a dirty look? I bet he totally was. He thinks he's above all these people. Because... he is? Natalie is going to get on my last nerve, I can tell.
Hughie is storylining. Shame he's so boring. Hughie and Ryan bitching is NOT good TV. 2D characters. Next.
Georgina thinks Evelyn is 'devious' ie. better looking than her. Sigh. The girl on girl hate is as inevitable as the black girl first boot. It's a tale as old as time.
Ugh, Ryan is vomming on the astro turf. What was he even drinking?
Jackson's face makes me happy. I can't work out if he's bi or just trying to 'mantub' Sam, but hey ho, it's all fun to watch.
The others bedroom is horrible, green is not a good colour for decor. Andrew is definitely king of the others. 'Gameplan.' Hold on, is he American?! How the fuck did I only just notice that? Ooh, hybrid accent. OK, now we're talking. We're looking at our winner here. Commence backstabbing! Throw the others under the bus! The power is up for grabs!

Big Brother UK 2016: Big Br-Others (Oh dear)

Weeeeeeeellll, hello there. It's been a while. And here we are again, ready for another summer of fun. So what do we have in store? Two houses is fine (although hardly revolutionary), but two house full of twats is just double the pain, so please, let them get the casting right this time. *Cut to end of the blog with me with my head in my hands.* Look, I'm on my own, I'm drinking, let's do this thing.
THE OTHERS. Isn't that a horror movie with Nicole Kidman? Isn't it crap? Doesn't she have sex with her son or something? Emma looks like she's borrowed her dress.
OOH, new stage. That's 'ooh', not 'ooh ooh' which no human since 1999 has cheered, bar the BBUK crowd. Appaz they have BANNED banners this year. Spoilsports. They should ban booing. Except when it's someone I hate.
Emma looks decent. Her hair looks normal for once and a nice colour, too. Not sure about the dowdy outfit, but we'll start with the hair and work downwards over the weeks.
I like the house decor. Pink and yellow is fun, just ask Mr Blobby (but not Noel Edmonds today). Bedroom looks OK, pod full of pebble cushions, good. Bath not shaped like an egg, fact fans.
18 people? Good luck remembering those names to my podcast co-host.
Diary room chair is shit hot! I like the new house and set, feels like it gives the show a kick up the arse.
First in is Marco Pierre White. What the fuck. Then he mentioned cooking! Confusing. He has people at his house who have been there four weeks after a party? That sounds like my worst fucking nightmare. Face tattoos, neck tattoos, Cruella De Ville streak, what's not to hate? He is nice looking though, I'll admit begrudgingly. Got lost on his way in, ala Busey. Straight to the fridge, gotta admire that. No booze? Bad Big Brother. I have been formed his dad is the chef Marco Pierre White. OK, this makes sense now.
Emma and Victoria (twins!) are bringing 'positive energy' (ie. Bea). They love nature and animals and UFOs. They want to play games, but not 'those' sort of games, ie. strategy. I think they're wearing like leopard print fuzzy felt or something. YOU ARE NOT SAMANDA.
Marco knows the twins! Ha. 'Oh my God, let's get on the zebra.' That's too many animal prints. Stop that.
Andy is a former BBC sports reporter who quit because Tyson Fury (great name for a homophobe) was homophobic. Creepy Chris vibes ie. someone with a brain. Good luck, mate. You'll need it. Plus, there's no saying that you can escape homophobia in there. In fact...! I'm also getting shades of Detective Dan vibes. Could this be Rylan's next husband?
Laura looks like that Atomic Kitten who shouted at Austin Armacost. Lovely hair. 'I see myself as a holy grail.' What the fuck does that mean? Not sure why she's being booed. Of course I do. FEMALE! WHORE! PITCHFORKS! Sigh.
Alex has jeans in his rips (yes, I'm pleased with that joke and it did well on Twitter). 'I go out twice a week, once for three days, once for four days.' That would work better if he'd added it up wrong. He 'respects women.' I give it a week before the 'slutbuckets' chat. He's like Danny 'canoe' Wisker and Ash 'absolutely fantastic' Harrison had an old, dumb baby. To call him thick as a plank would be an insult to planks. I think he said 'I'm shitting like a nervous dog' when he went in, but I could have misheard that and I can't afford to rewind right now. I gotta stay 'in the moment'.
Lateysha is next. Great, a name I have to double check how to spell. Welsh. Mixed race. Something about sheep. Said 'I'm gonna shit myself' and then 'I need a fucking drink' upon entering. I agree.
What's up with the crowd, man, they look depressed as shit. Oh.
Apparently some of these people are 'famous' but I have no clue who they are, so they're not famous to me (just like CBB then).
Lots of fanfare about the 'other house'. 'The others' seem even worse than these people we've seen so far. In fact, I don't mind the people we've seen so far. These others seem fucking grim. Do I hate to write their names down? I can't be fucked. They're like a crappy group that Simon puts together on the X Factor. They've even got the boiler suits. Apparently they forgot one and left her with her mask on. I missed this as I'm blogging like a twat but I love it anyway.
Ok, Andrew looks like Pob, Huey looks confused, Ryan is like Maaaaaarkkk who we all hated, so why repeat the losing formula? 'Where's the toilet, I'm going to piss myself.' Go right ahead, it worked for Charlotte Crosby. Oh god, some of the others know the actual housemates. Hmm.
Evelyn is a bit of a hottie from Australia. Asian. Bragging. Wait for the boos. A guy she would like 'would not be in the Big Brother house'. Probably true.
Sam from Blackpool. 'I have the best hair in my area.' Haha. He drinks on the 'top table'! Bhahaha. Ooh, he's gay. Ugh, he's got a beard. Also, his hair is not good. What must the other hair in Blackpool be like if his is the gold standard? Throwing shade at other gay people. Boo. What is a 'stereotypical gay' person? It's like saying a 'stereotypical blonde.' Fuck off. Said 'it's good to see a familiar face' to someone. Ugh. The feeling is not mutual.
Georgina is the token posho. 'You don't have to be posh to have horses.' True, look at Jordan. I don't want a female posho who doesn't even sound posh. I want Ben. I want Harry. Even Nick? No, not Nick.
Jason is a stunt double and a cockney wideboy. Has a shitzu. Seemed to bore even himself in his interview with Emma. 'Take care.' OK, Terry Tibbs. 'Where's the booze?' To be fair, that's what people say when they first come to my house. And then for the next 12 hours, until I kick them out.
Oh my God, two more to go. I am running out of steam now, but I have been enjoying it thus far. I think the new house helps, HD helps, except the sour crowd's ugly mugs. Not sure about the twist. Doesn't seem that much different to the glittery toilet roll of doom, which brought mad Marc 'tombstone' O Neil into the house but failed to flush out pizza botherer Danny Wisker.
Everyone on Twitter is bitching about the cast but people always bitch about the launch show (me included). I've seen a LOT worse launch nights. Steven Goode and Tamara, anyone?
Jackson in next. Grew up in a council estate where you 'had to rob milk'. I know someone who still does that, Likes a cup of tea and fag. Weeeeellll. Best so far. Very good looking and seems nice although did say he 'respects women' as well (red flag). He's putting men on blast! Saying he's the 'anti-man.' Great strategy. ABZ. Jackson Five? His motto in life is 'fuck it'. I can get behind that. Mine is 'forget about it', so not far off. Let himself down a bit by going in dressed as a Dappy tribute act. But still the best so far, by a mile. Admittedly, the standard is not high.
Chelsea is doing 'London talk' lol. Going on about money and his Bentley. He'll be 'last to bed and first up.' Well we won't know cos no live feed. Ha, had to put it out there. He's there for 'the experience.' Yawn. He's dressed like an Asian Jarvis Cocker with Lego hair. Self proclaimed 'the guv'nor.' We'll be the judge of that.
I was gonna go back and watch all the VTs to see what I'd missed, but you know what? LIFE IS TOO SHORT. You get the idea.
OK, so now to the (potentially show ruining) twist. They all have to stand behind a podium saying something or another. Timebomb flashbacks. No one really gives a shit which podium they're standing behind.
I only like ONE PERSON so they'd better not go. *cut to them going* Why is Big Brother reading out all the words? Yawn.
Cut to the others playing with dollies. They have to target someone based solely on the words they chose. They chose to target the self-proclaimed 'sexy' person! Ha. SEXIST, more like. Of course, it would be a girl.
It's dumb to target the sexy person. Target 'intelligent' or 'gameplayer', dumbos. Why am I surprised? The others have the collective IQ of Jack Tweed.
Laura is nominated, but at least she doesn't get evicted on the spot. Ha, and at least she gets to nominate as well. First night nominations are always risky, remember Anouska (probably not, and frankly, I'm shocked I do). Jackson: 'Take your time, sweetheart.' Game planner!
Laura nommed Lateysha. RACIST! Nomming the black girl the first night. You gotta laugh. Or cry.
Two women on the block, standard. Emma: 'Or are they?' Probably not. Remember that week they just flipped the noms over cos it suited them? Haha. THE RULES CAN CHANGE AT ANY TIME! EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! And so on.
I am now 36. And I still fucking love Big Brother. The podcast will be on Friday, right here: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm