Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Sunday Best

The new fab Macca

Evening! Eight days into the year and I'm still half dead. Still, here we go.
Sexual themes! Ooh. Oh it's gonna be Jasmine and the two bores. That is NOT sexual. Jedward in the bath their previous time on CBB: now THAT was sexual. (OK, I'm sick, forgive me)
Jamie is coming off as such a creep leering over Jasmine doing her exercise and getting jealous of a Jedward.
Austin and Spencer are having a war about keeping the door open or shut. James Jordan is pouring fuel on the fire. Who's going to throw the first punch? And more importantly, why is Spencer wearing a bright pink hoodie? It has shades of Daley's salmon 'aggressive' ejected hoodie.
OMG Spencer bingewatched Jedward's series. Yes! He always does his research.
I don't think James and Spencer meshing their names together works. Now Nicola is opening the door. Now James Jordan is piping up. James Jordan is ruining the Austin vs Speidi war by existing. He can't cut it in the villian stakes. He's just monotone and really fucking dull. I really feel sorry for his wife.
Jedward have their hair different. I think I can tell them apart now. John has more of a pointy face and he's more brainy (relatively).
Secret task! And not even 'the real task is...' What, they have to eat pizza without Bianca noticing? What sort of task is this.
I like Stacy saying she gets horny and 'can't take care of herself.' Good diversion tactic .
The housemates all huddled behind a sofa eating pizza. I can't imagine Spencer and Heidi being down for that with their germophobia. You think Bianca could smell it?
I love Jedward giving Austin pizza out of his pocket and Austin took it! Haha.
James Jordan: 'Women should not be sleeping with younger men.' Shut up. He's just making shit up to cause trouble. Called it!
James C has to bring a pony through the house so Bianca doesn't notice. Angie is doing a good diversion tactic with the meditating.
'I am the Lord Commander... and this is my steed.' Tony the Pony probably preferred working with James C than the GC.
Brandon is doing a secret rave in the snug... and has pigtails. Interesting. Spencer: 'Does this work?' about the decks. Brandon: 'No.' He's still going for it, though.
Is Austin fake crying for the task or real crying? Oh fake crying! Austin: 'I'm fat and I smoke and I eat shit.' Lol. I loved his 'don't move, I've got a surprise for you.' This is the Austin we like.
Jedward are workshopping their best bits already. Don't worry, you'll have plenty more to come!
I liked that task, it was fun. Like a classic BBUK task.
More takeaway as a reward! Don't tell Angie.
Stacy is feeling horny but no one is up for it, appaz. Maybe she could fuck Jedward. Oh she fancies Calum! And Brandon!? WTF. 'You know he will pull your hair.' OMG. Is Brandon attached? I fear for him. How can you fancy him with those teeth, though. Yuck. Plus his hair! He looks like a tramp.
James Jordan wiggling his bum is so unsexy. Ah, the others calling him camp as fuck, ha.
The music they're playing for the party is fucking awful.
Calum to his mum: 'When you dance like that it's totally fine.' The fact you needed to say that tells me otherwise.
I love Big Brother giving them a shitstir task to ruin the day. James told Jamie to grow some balls ie. molest Jasmine.
Ooh, Nicola and Jasmine locking horns. Oh God, Coleen has to do a lapdance. Jesus. Coleen wiggling her bum at Calum, OMG. Why is everyone covered in glitter?
Spencer asking Jasmine to choose between Calum and Jamie, brilliant. And she chose Calum! Jamie was all red in the face! Ouch.
Coleen fancying Calum is so grim. 'Calum's the one night stand and Jamie is for a relationship.' LOL at Calum stomping off. What a knobend. Stacy is going to try and pounce on Calum.
Calum was right snitty with Stacy as well. You're not all that Calum! You look like a potato. There is a real hottie shortage in there. Austin is a million times sexier than Calum.
Everyone is alluding to who they're going to nominate. Spencer: 'That game has changed my whole nomination schedule.' I like the fact he has a nominations schedule.
Coleen now telling Jasmine she leads Jamie on. Coleen just wants Calum for herself.
Jasmine doesn't want to mess with Jamie cos of his kids and the ex, known racist Danielle Lloyd. I mean, who would want to take that on? Grim. Coleen doesn't want the public thinking Jasmine is a player, even if Coleen thinks it.
All the celebs vaping this year. I remember when they could smoke inside the house. Spencer's gold vape looks fancy. 
God, Calum trying to autocorrect his image so bad. Most people just think you're a boring twat not a fanny rat, don't worry about it, mate. I thought you were gonna let loose in the house this time? I didn't realise what that entailed was throwing little hissy fits like a big old baby. He is getting WAY too much airtime. More Jedward, please.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: You'll never be cleverer than Big Brother

Hobo-chic

Frank discussion about gun control laws? You tease us, Big Brother!
Brandon does not look good in the morning. Or at any other time, honestly.
Austin is calling the water hiding 'a crime.' Bit strong.
It wasn't four bottles they took, it was at least eight. But enough with watergate. Let's move onto tonight's argument. Oh, no, still with the water.
Ray J thinks Heidi is 'spiritual'. 'Why can't people just drink the tap water?' The man speaks sense. Stacy: 'There's poison in tap water.' Ray J: 'No this is British tap water.' First the UKIP shirt, now toadying to our tap water. The man is a gamer!
There's one bed left and we presume Jedward share a bed, so it's fine. Coleen is not happy about the prospect of Jedward coming in. Hopefully they'll cause her to have a 'Frank Carson's dressing room' moment like her (equally) sour-faced sister.
The Americans are teaching James Jordan about guns. Austin: 'Brits will never get it.' I fucking hope not. James: 'Cos we're more intelligent.' I hate being on James Jordan's side in an argument.
Ugh, this 'love triangle' storyline with the two divs and Jasmine is going to get my goat.
Jamie seems like a bit of a spiteful shrew. He's always whining about money. He wants to be 'a little bit appreciated for paying out a fortune for his kids.' They're YOUR FUCKING KIDS. Who else is gonna pay for them? Danielle Lloyd's racist magazine deals aren't going to feed three boys. He wants to have a life for himself. Cry me a river.
Nicola is one upping other 'WAG's. What's her job again? And sticking the knife in Danielle Lloyd! That's my job. Me and Jamie O Hara.
Coleen is right, Heidi is a bit of a Stepford wife. But it's something weirder than that. And more interesting.
Calum is bitching that Katie Price nommed him in the house. Get over it! You were both boring fencesitting dullards. Bring back Perez! Angie trying to have a go at Heidi for no reason. Talk about ready for a row.
I hate this little footballer toad. He's so ugly. Jasmine is way out of his league. She said she missed CBB after she left last time. Missed Lee Ryan's charms, more like. I'd much rather get off with Lee Ryan than Calum or Jamie.
Nicola is jealous that Bianca and Jasmine are BFFs and she's not, ha. What a shame.
Austin and Stacy doing a little slutshaming of Jasmine, who hasn't even kissed anyone (yet).
Angie is trying to hook Jasmine up with Jamie (to keep her away from Calum). Jamie is starting to look a little desperate.
Coleen: 'You'll never be cleverer than Big Brother.' Well, you definitely won't. And Big Brother is thick as shit.
James C: 'Is it alright if I go in and wind up the housemates by pretending to pack?' LOL. What a dude.
Stacy is happy to see James C fake go. I love James going 'you wish!' Haha. What a monkey.
Jedward time! Ray J: 'Are they big?' Nicola: 'No.' Cackles. Ray J: 'Are they just joking?' Weeeeellll.
Austin is eyeing up Jedward. They like girls though; ahem.
I love Edward in the DR without John. He can't cope. Ha, he needs to see the medic already. He's 'ready for his examination.'
Angie and Coleen both hating on Jedward cos they loathe fun.
Jedward and Speidi bonding over the joint names, haha. And it's winding Austin up!
Edward feels like he has a pole in his back. He's also got curly hair. And he's got to go to hospital. Hahaha. 'Jedward in crisis.' In a way it would be fun to see how one Jedward coped in a vacuum.
Austin is having a crack up in the store room. His neck vein is throbbing. 'It's unlike me to be in a closet crying.' You can write your own jokes here. He's such a drama queen! He can't hack it when the attention isn't on him. And I like Austin but I think I'm increasingly in the minority.
I like Jasmine's bushy eyebrows. I think Ray J could go deep. He's playing quite a calculating game, but he seems innocent and he's charismatic so I think he'll go far.
We have to keep James C around! He's just a genuine normal guy. Normal; not boring.
John: 'I like my own company sometimes.' Heidi is acting like she's Spencer's twin. I like her trying to understand John. Speidi and Jedward are both unknowable. John likes to keep his relationships interesting. I bet. He's probably got Edward under the bed to jump out halfway through.
John is slagging off Brandon Block, hahaha. Spencer: 'You need to tell him that.' Haha. Yes!
Jamie's 'bromance' with Calum is pathetic. They'll soon be daggers drawn over Jasmine. Jamie is seething already. I hate the way he sits in that DR chair, so I can see up his nose. Ugh.
Jasmine hates Stacy! Ooh. For giving her an evil look. Jasmine looks more like Carla Connor every day. They need to set her a knicker stitching task. 'Stacy wants to sit next to me cos I'm cuter than her and she'll get more airtime.' Jesus! That's some next level ego there. Meanwhile, the Twitter trolls are already calling her a slag. Sigh. I'm gonna have to block a lot of people, I can feel it.
Edward has returned from hospital looking like a drowned rat. Spencer: 'What did they do to your hair at the hospital?' Ha!
Calum in bed with Jasmine: 'Your boyfriend's coming.' Bit of a mean way to talk about your 'bromance.'
The boys are now having a Jasmine sandwich. Has there been a threesome on Big Brother yet? Like a proper one? Ugh look at all those tattoos on the pair of twats. Grim.
Are Jedward sharing a bed? Adorbs. Show it! That's way more interesting than this fake ass love triangle. All in all though, I think it's shaping up well. And I don't think anyone gets evicted until next Friday? So that's a long time to wait after noms. And be angry. This time last CBB I think about three people had walked by this point!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: You water know (yourself)

Other Jedward obscured by dry ice

Hiya! It better be Jedward going in. I wanna see Speidi and Jedward together. Who could out mindgame Spencer? John and Edward, that's who.
Oh, Emma's ruined her hair already. That didn't take long. You never see anyone in real life with slicked back hair, do you? Not unless it's slicked back with grease. Emma also has a work suit on. Why is she always wearing office wear? Does she secretly yearn for a job as a PA where she doesn't have to interview difficult Big Brother contestants like Marc O Neil?
OMG the way James Jordan speaks to people! He's so patronising! Gary Busey flashbacks. Stacy, please stop singing.
Coleen doesn't want to be told what vitamins and nutrients are in an apple. She'd rather just sit and bitch 24/7.
Ray J was conveniently off to get his shoes when Whitney died. He doesn't want to sell a story, he just wants to milk the story endlessly on CBB. Do you think it's in his contract that he has to discuss it? Stacy is probably in there just so he has to. Storylining!
Coleen blunders in assuming Whitney killed herself. Didn't she just pass out and drown cos she was high as fuck? Jamie: 'Typical loose woman.' Says the typical footballer.
Spencer's ju-jitsu is the lols.
God, Brandon Block needs a makeover. Can't someone run a comb through his hair? Him, perhaps?
Coleen is 51! I thought she was 60 odd. I guess being that miserable will do that to you.
Ray J is actressing and squeezing a tear out in the DR.Enough Whitney talk now. Let the woman rest in peace.
Angie is worried about the smokers in the house. Mind your own business. Coleen's back is WELL UP. Angie is stepping well over the line here. It's her life, let her smoke if she wants. Angie: 'All your family have died around you.' Bit much! Also, why sit in the smoking area? Passive smoking! Does Calum drink or smoke? Worry about your own spawn!
The housemates are roleplaying. Snooze. Hold on, Angie just molested Bianca. This am dram between the footballer, Jasmine and Calum is pure cringe.
Oh, they are editing out two more housemates. Yawn. Bianca is shy? She doesn't look it. Or Be-yonk-a as the Americans say.
Love James C namedropping Mel Gibson. Ooh, sausage rolls. Why is Spencer stealing a load of bottles of water? Is he a prepper?
Austin is in a 'really strange place right now.' On airtime patrol, by the looks of it. I think Spencer meant 'they could have picked a lot of other people than you' in a nice way, weirdly.
Bianca: 'No more H20.'
Austin went at Heidi very aggressively there. 'Security!' Austin has a really bad temper. Spencer: 'You want to go and see your boyfriend.' James J: 'He's not worth it, pal.' Lol.
Austin is ruining the magic of the DR. Are there no taps in the Big Brother house? We know there are from the Lee Ryan days. It's just fucking water. You're not in the desert. Calm down. It's like the kosher wine all over again. I've missed Austin's rants, though. But I'm a bit worried that he's a bit too easy to wind up for Spencer. Plus, isn't Austin worried about putting off his new boyfriend?! I guess he's probably seen it all already.
Spencer: 'I can't believe they let him stay.' Settle down, Spencer, he only shouted. If shouting was banned in the Big Brother house, there'd be no show. I like Bianca trying to calm down Austin.
Spencer calling: 'Bonka from the strip club the shadiest trick in the game.' Nice.
Austin: 'Can we be done saying they're alright people now.' Haha. Seems like everyone is team Austin, not team Speidi. Speidi will survive anyway. Speidi could survive the apocolypse.
So Jamie and Angie have been given 'great power'. They are so bland, it's impossible to say what they'll do with it. Might as well have given the power to the bottled water.
OK, we're back. I like Ray J sitting with a fag in his mouth, haha. Oh god, don't make them do speeches to save themselves.
Brandon pulling out the big guns with his speech; 'We're going to open a business together.' Strong!
Bianca actually seems like a nice person. Angie is so dumb, she tried to save Bianca as well. She obviously forgot Stacy's name as well.
Jamie saved Ray J. Good. Angie saved Brandon, which puts James GOT on the block. Aw. I think he would struggle in a vote to evict or a vote to save, to be honest, but I'd like him to stick around. Mind you, Jedward will probably drive him dollally.
Yay! 'I'm John, I'm Edward.' I'll never get tired of hearing those words. I still won't be able to tell them apart. Apparently one is more simple than the other. 'If someone eats your food, nominate. If someone looks at you funny, nominate.' Good strategy.
Did we miss one of Jedward falling over? That's a shame. You fell over!
Jedward: 'Can we hear the girls scream?' Aw, they're pretending they like girls.
They watched the opening night! Couldn't they put them in a hotel for two days? Does the budget not stretch to a twin room in the Travelodge?
Emma has no control over Jedward whatsoever. She's dreaming of that secretarial role again.
The housemates know it's Jedward already. Zero tension! I wanna see Jedward annoy the fuck out of James Jordan. Who will be their new Tara Reid? Hopefully Bianca and not Nicola.
Ray J hopes to see Jay Z. Instead he can barely see Jedward through all the dry ice. It's like Charlotte Crosby's win all over again.
I LOVE Speidi dancing to Jedward. Jedward are always falling over! They're like Lauren Harries on overtime. Good tune though, lol. Shame they can't sing. Their spaceman outfits look like the other housemates made them for a task.
I don't object to them performing their song in the garden. Beats Sheryl Crow.
OMG it just occured to me. What if Jedward TEAM UP with Speidi to create the ultimate housemate annoyer? Stronger than Bear! Time and space will implode. I want to see it!
Already they start flattering Spencer 'you don't age' - no, you don't age, Jedward. And more importantly, you do not get old. Go create TV magic!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All shook up

Hi! Have we got going yet? I haven't, but I'm still grateful for the lack of TOWIEs and Geordie Shores. If Calum Best and Coleen Nolan are the biggest duds, at least they're wallpaper and won't be pissing and shitting all over my favourite programme. At least, I hope not.
Ray J is being a 'sleeping on the couch' martyr. Prob doesn't want to share a bed with 'a gay boy.'
Angie pretending she's not a true gamer. Spencer knows!
Ray J has designs on being a diary room warrior. He can't share a bed because he's married. Especially not with Nicola McClean. Don't blame him.
Brandon Block looks like he's wearing comedy teeth and glasses. Angie thinks she's Queen Bee already. She knows she's untouchable with double the vote. She's a lot more interesting than Calum, though. Mind you, so's the back of a shampoo bottle.
Not sure about Bianca's S&M dinosaur look. On launch night, I can overlook it, but it's not daytime wear. Busting out the 'escape goat' as well. That shit is older than I am.
Coleen wants to be a house that gets along by quietly bitching about people behind their backs. 
Spencer is fingering Angie for her gameplanning. 'Calum was bred for this.' Hopefully he'll suffer the same fate as Paulie from BB18 who was also 'bred for this.' Heidi: 'It's good to get along with people.' Don't lie!
Calum: 'It's brilliant we're doing it together' to his mum. Is he trying to convince himself or her? He's had to recalibrate his gameplan from being fanny rat to gentleman.
I like Ray J's shredded white jacket. Has Nicola McClean had her mitts on it? He looks like the Michelin Man.
Ray J is spilling the boring beans about Kim Kardashian. You've never crossed paths with Kim since cos she probably has good security. Oh, hang on.
The all stars have to decide which of the new stars are least entertaining. Zzzzzz.
Calum's mean little side parting is driving me mad. It's like someone has Pritt-Sticked some coconut fur on an onion. Did he pay money for that hair? Robbed.
Brandon Block does not look impressed with Angie's Elvis kiss and tell. Nor does Ray J. Hold on, she didn't even kiss him! 'Do you even kiss, mate?' (Deepcut Big Brother Bile Spencer vs Toadfish reference there).
Angie: 'No one knows the real Spencer. You wouldn't know if you were having a sincere conversation with him.' Good point.
Bianca has just kissed Calum! I thought they'd gone out after Love Island back in the day.
James Jordan seems annoyed by Ray J being a bit sleepy. He's probably tired cos he had to sleep on the couch to avoid catching 'the gay'.
Ray J spent 30K on a birthday party for his dog. James Jordan is trying to needle him. Twat.
Heidi's hair is looking somewhat orange already. Get the girl a toner. Ha, Spencer wants to edit out Angie. Sweet. Calum refused to do it and chose Brandon! Fuck that. Brandon is annoyed about it; don't blame him! Where's the democracy?
Even thicko Calum has worked out he has the numbers over Speidi. But Spiedi will have the backing of the IGP (idiot general public).
Stacy was 'shook' when Ray J walked in. SHAKEN.
Spencer regaling Angie with tales of his popular social media: ie. showing her who's boss. Angie is unimpressed at Spencer's ability to eat 40 tacos. Apparently said video has only 2,000 views on youtube. I have blogs with higher numbers. Admittedly, only one a decade.
Nicola McClean playing the 'as a mother' card hard. Yawn. Go home if you can't hack it.
Stacy telling Coleen about the Whitney Houston files. I'm bored of this storyline already. Run Stacy a bath.
I'm team Jasmine all the way against the boot-faced Nicola. Boo hooing in the DR. Don't milk it.
Jamie is after Jasmine, but Spencer is standing in his way. Was it Jasmine or Casey who had 'taps on' time with Lee 'fanny rat' Ryan? I feel like it was Casey, but he fiddled with Jasmine in a UFO (fact check that).
Breast implant chat, classic bantz. Zzz.
Jasmine's 'type' isn't a 'newly divorced guy with three kids.' Me either.
I like Spencer's Coleen impression, ha. They are all scrambling because of him! They can't hack it.
I like Jasmine the best out of the girls so far, she wants to play Spencer at his own game, and if she beefs with Nicola, even better. If she does get off with the midget footballer, I will lose respect for her, though.
Jedward tomorrow? Come on, you know it makes sense, or whatever Lidl's catchprase is.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Pop art-ifice

Desp-air time

Oh hello again. I still can't speak! Luckily, I have fingers.
So someone started moaning at me for 'body shaming' on Twitter yesterday for my rather good 'anorexic Carla Connor' observation. Who am I shaming in that situation!? Carla Connor is hot. Anorexic Carla Connor (aka Jasmine) also looks good. Settle down!
I don't mind body shaming, but I prefer IQ shaming, which luckily, I get to do shitloads of watching Celebrity Big Brother. Let's begin!
RECAP time. All these recycled housemates makes me want to recycle some of my old blog/podcast titles.
Ooh what was that moment between Stacy and Ray J? What's their history? Ooh, apparently her fight with Whitney was over him. Interesting!
Nicola McClean bum licking Spencer by saying he was a great housemate, but NOT Heidi! Or that's the way they cut it. She could have been talking to them both. Don't trust the edit!
James J: 'Footballers have got good banter.' Football commentators even more so, just open up the 'sling one up the back of her' files. Footballers do NOT have good banter. See Ched Evans audio/visual work for details.
James Jordan well rail-roaded Stacey to be 'edited out.' I love Heidi trying to get Jamie put up. No such luck.
Stacey didn't stay on that chair in the garden for long, she was inside by the time the live feed was on.
Bianca trying to get the dirt on Ray J and Stacey: subtle. Ray J: 'It was a tragic thing.' Some of the others seem genuinely concerned.
I feel like Spencer was trying to be quite genuine when he comforted Stacy but she got mad straight away. Spencer's all like: 'We had it worse in the basement.You weren't there, man.' Heidi's frosty manner doesn't help.
I can see why Stacy is annoyed, it's a bit much with the Ray J thing (whatever that is) then getting edited out. This negative first impression of her is what the other housemates will zoom in on, though. And being a black woman? She's fucked.
But still, she's not so much edited out as an airtime hog. Spencer saying the others aren't allowed to talk to her! Mean. What does 'edited out' even mean? You don't get edited out. People can still talk to you. It should just be called being 'beige hoodied.'
I am so sad that Austin has split from his husband! Aw.  If Spencer and Heidi ever split, it's game over for love.
Stacy is crying in a chair and Spencer is just talking at her. OK, he is just trying to wind her up now.
I'm looking forward to Austin vs Spencer and Heidi, even though I like both sides. Austin, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows on your series! I remember you calling Janice Dickinson a cunt and yelling at everyone. It was brilliant.
Spencer: 'I retired that personality' about stirring shit up, haha. Stacy is playing right into Spencer's hands. She's making it too easy for him. 'Sitting in a chair' gate. Heidi and Stacy are both being annoying. Just stop talking if you can't agree.
Coleen bragging about her boring singing career/ dead relatives. No one cares. But if you do, watch C5 at 10pm for more wailing.
Jamie is talking about his ex wife known racist and cunt Danielle Lloyd. Danielle didn't want him to talk about her. We already know who you are, Danielle, don't worry. Nothing he could say could possibly make you look worse, considering you're most famous for causing an international race row. Nicola: 'Marriage is marriage.' Yes, and it's even better if your footballer scummy husband doesn't cheat. Easier to keep the marriage together then, right?
Now the other housemates have to edit out another person. Ooh, I like the pop art bedding/ cushions. They all decided to edit out James C of GOT fame. Spencer is right, James C is not making a good reality star. I wonder how much he got paid? I like the fact he's pretending to sleep so he doesn't have to speak to Stacy. Maybe he does know how to play the game after all!
Calum Best's ears are freaking me out. He looks like a gargoyle. I just think 'spud head' every time I see him. Can't believe he used to be hot 20 years ago.
James Jordan trying to one up Coleen, but she came second on her series. He came third, I think.
I love all the cushions and everything, it's so cute, it looks like my bedroom! The DR is amazing as well.
The fight for beds begin. Edited outs should have to sleep on the floor. In the garden. Like Busey on the Celebrity Scrapheap.
Angie: 'Spygles, Speegles' about Speidi. I love this. She's onto them! Angie's got a built in alliance with Calum, plus Spencer and Heidi are one housemate, so Angie has the advantage. It's a numbers game! Plus, she writes a mean letter from home. Actually, scratch that, she doesn't.
Austin's horror at the thought Bianca thinks Spencer is nice. Ha. She did seem shitfaced, though.
Calum's diary rooms make a good insomnia cure. He is going to stick around for WAY too long. Hope his mum beats him.
Was Coleen being a cunt there at the end? Probably. I can't work out if I'm enjoying it yet, possibly because my ears are ringing and I can't see straight. Give me a couple of days to work it out!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: All star family (mis) fortunes

This should be peak CBB excitement for me, if I wasn't sick, therefore can't podcast, and have not seen another person for about a week. Putting all that aside, plus any other existential crap about 'is Big Brother past it's sell by date' 'why do I still watch?' 'Is that still on?' 'What about the live feed?' etc and just looking at tonight's show in a vacuum, it will no doubt still be a bunch of shit.
HOWEVER. The show must go on, and so must I, even if I'm a used up format, writing in a used-up format, about a show that's a used-up format. But I still have more historical Big Brother (UK and international) knowledge in my addled brain than I know what to do with. It's not useful, but I have it in there.
Normally at this point I'd have a large drink on the go. Instead, I have a sachet of Beechams. The glamour never starts. I have avoided MOST spoilers so far. So let's see who they've managed to line up and set free in the wilds of Borehamwood for the 32834784378 year in a row. 
I like the retro/ comic book theme, but I don't really like the eye that much. Oh well, who cares about the eye. Not I.
Emma looks great! I love her hair shorter. The darker colour is cool as well. Not sure about the panto jacket and work trousers, but we can't have it all. One thing is a start.
Woah, the house is very bright. It looks like a children's TV programme. I like the coloured loo roll. Diary room looks fucking cool, too. It's all very Nickelodeon.
First in is Speidi. Legends. You can't deny it. I like Spencer moaning about the vote against Rylan, ha. One percent in it. Spencer actually looks better than the last time I saw him, at least he's had a haircut. Still wearing the teacher fleeces in his VT, though. Spencer's illuminati leather jacket is going straight on the chic pile. Mentioning gameplans already: check. Not here to make friends: check. Looking for the booze immediately: check. Oh, I've missed them, the nutty pair.
James Jordan. Ick. Otherwise known as Gary Busey's chief bum-wiper. And if there's no Gary Busey in the house, then we have a problem. I could see him chumming up with Spencer. He's not a 'love to hate' housemate, he's just a 'I fucking hate his guts' housemate. Ugh, Speidi don't befriend the enemy.
Jasmine Waltz. Lee Ryan's female catnip. I enjoyed the love triangle. She looks like an anorexic Carla off Corrie. She looks like she's aged about 45 years since she was last on. Hope they bring the fanny rat back, too. Her boobs look stuck on. Jasmine knows what the illuminati is. Yes. I personally think this is a good start. Four cunts in straight away. Start as they mean to go on.
Ooh so they've put these four in a secret room to 'influence storylines': ahem. It's not like Big Brother to do that, is it (much). I like their office. 'Big Brother producers; - well, Ted's been editing shit out for years now.
Heidi's fake teeth look humungous, like Brandon Flowers levels of veneers there.
When they said 'Kim Kardashian' I thought Jonathan Cheban was going back in. No such luck, it's Ray J, someone who fucked KK on tape once. I like his union jack shirt. Well, not really. He seems like a total dick. Join the club, I guess.
Bianca Gascoigne is in next. She's more your TOWIE level of housemates. Her hair looks like the nylon hair your doll has when you are a kid. She 'inspires to be a mermaid'. Well we know her dad loves the drink. (Sorry)
Bianca is toadying to Ray J pretending she knows his music. What music?! The 'producers' are being nice about everyone. Er, that's not what we want when we interfere with the housemates.
I actually like the mixture of old and new housemates. It should always be this way. Cut out the deadwood (ie. Ex on the Beach chaff, please.) I like the line up so far. Some true gamers in the fold. No Gemma Collins, PLEASE.
Austin Armacost is next. I love Austin. OMG he's broken up with his husband! Aw, poor Austin. I know how you feel, mate! And I just finished your 2016 calendar. It's all gone wrong! OMG he hates Heidi and Spencer. Hahahaha. Brilliant. Austin is getting the wub wubs, which he richly deserves.I hope Austin doesn't blow the goodwill he built up last time. But if he does, it doesn't matter. He's still a great housemate. 'You're a CUNT!' etc. And lest we forget the mantub.
Haha Austin being all pleasant to Speidi after he just slagged them off.
Coleen Nolan. WHY. Why do we have to have a Loose Woman? WHY! It's bullshit. Fuck off. I hate her anyway. Hate, hate, hate her. It's the first bit of lazy casting. I expect the rest to be downhill from here. She's so annoying.
Why are they sending so many downstairs?! There's going to be no one left upstairs!
Next is James Cosmo, an actor from Game of Thrones. I have no clue who he is, and nor does my mum, who texted describing him as 'an old fart'. I can't tell if he's being sarcastic about liking Eminem. He's got first boot written all over him, like he's just ended up in the wrong place, like Evander or Ron Atkinson. Maybe he signed the wrong contract somewhere along the way. Good to have an old fogey in there, though, unless they're like Reg Holdsworth or Biggins.
God, there's a lot of alpha in that producers room.
Next is Stacy Francis, 'who you probably know from being a finalist on the X Factor USA'. I don't. Also drove Whitney Houston to her death, appaz. I thought it was going to be Tiffany from the sillhouette and I'm annoyed it wasn't. WHO IS SHE?
Brandon Block is next which makes me feel old as my serious ecstasy-taking days are twenty years ago now and we used to go see him and Judge Jules at Homeland and Passion and I still feel that age and I'm not, so it's depressing really. Thanks, Brandon. He's looking a bit Jim Royle. Jim Royle with a Dappy hat.
Spencer: 'He looks like he has more juice than the other elderly guy.' Haha.
Ugh, Nicola McClean is basically the female James Jordan. She talks just like Katie Price. And like her, she acts hard but she lets her husband fuck around on her. And didn't Farrah smack her one with a wine glass? Shred shred shred the bitch. I hate her. Awful person. Her and Coleen have got to go. And now she's slagging off Brian Dowling! Fuck you. Don't diss the two time winning alumni. Such disrespect! PS: Your dress doesn't fit.
Next housemate is Jamie O Hara, a footballer. Was previously married to Danielle Lloyd. Poor cunt. 'What could go wrong?' Just watch the tapes back of when your wife was in the house to find out. He looks like a little hobbit.
Calum Best is no all star. 'I'm a red blooded male.' Deffo gay. Doesn't he have history with Bianca Gascoigne? Oh he's not going to sit on the fence this time. Bullshit. He came third? How! Pointless third place, fencesitting, dead wood airtime deficit. Why waste my time! And he's wearing hotel wallpaper for a suit. Velveteen!
And they're also putting Calum Best's mum Angie in. WHY? Where's Jedward? This bitch couldn't even write him a letter from home, had to get Rudyard Kipling to do it. Who really cares how Calum Best gets on with his mum? They're obsessed with family connections on Big Brother, and they're rarely interesting.
Calum Best's reaction when she came in was hilarity though. His voice went really high. Poor sod. Haha. 'Oh my God, that's my mother!' James Jordan rubbed it in as well. Ha, they should have edited her out. Bet Calum wants to.
The other housemates are watching the 'producers' choose who to 'edit out'. It's supposed to be the 'least interesting person'. They're just choosing who they like the least. Heidi wanted to edit out the footballer! Good choice. They are choosing the black woman! Well, there's a surprise. These reality TV tropes write themselves. Racists. Poor Stacy had to go sit in the garden where it was cold (yeah it's England in January) in an unflattering hoodie. Welcome to every smoker in the UK's family Christmas.
So that was it. Oh the whole, I think the line up is good. I'm just relieved there's no Charlotte Crosby or her uninteresting, vulgar ilk. But really, what the people moaning on Twitter don't get, or even what my mum doesn't get, texting that they're 'all twats', is that it doesn't matter if you know the people, or hate the people. It only matters how they interact with each other. And that's what makes a good Big Brother series.
Anyway, all is not lost, as apparently Jedward are going in Friday! Bring on the trolley dash!
PS: I hope to do a podcast at some point if I get my voice back!

Celebrity Big Brother UK 2016: Bear-time (This aint what I came for)

As Bear came sliding down the banister...

Just watched the live feed cue cards/ fake sleep scandal and it really is shocking (if you haven't see it, they fake going to bed so Big Brother can film a fake schmaltzy goodnight, then they all get up again. If I'd been watching that on live feed I think I would have keeled over with shock. I actually believed the show was still real. I know, what a mug. I can be gullible, though. Earlier in the show they also made them all 'sit on a mark' while they did a voiceover. Frankie even said 'it's our last night at work.' AT WORK. I HATE hearing the Big Brother voice (ie. Ted) telling them to brush their teeth and get a good night's sleep. It is completely at odds with the concept of Big Brother. Hate, hate, hate.
I think Big Brother lost a lot of viewers today (two of my friends told me they were never watching again), and I don't think the inevitable Bear win is going to help matters.
My predictions of the order are Bear to win, Frankie, Ricky, Marnie, Renee, Aubrey (out first).
After looking hot the other night, Emma is looking rough again. Mismatched black top and navy trousers: no. Unflattering as fuck. Her lovely hair looks shit as well.
Frankie's doing some great journeying: 'Shine bright like a Frankie and when people throw shade, shine brighter.' I liked Bear's two fingers to BB.
Highlights package to the song 'This is what you came for' despite it being NOT what I came for, quite the opposite, actually. No final supper. No two by two evictions. Do we have to sit through six individual interviews? *pours more wine*
Bear would describe Big Brother in one word as 'fishtank'. It must be two words as I'm getting the red underline, but I'd OK it if I was sub-editing Bear's journey.
Aubrey and Marnie both look gorgeous. I like Aubrey's pastel hair.
OMG Frankie out sixth. I was surprised, but not as much as he was. I LOVED the way he came out of the house with a sprinkle of glitter. Fabulous. He was working it.
Frankie: 'I don't understand how the voting works.' Emma: 'People vote for who's the most popular.' LOL. I guess Ariana doesn't have as much clout as she hoped.
Frankie: 'My fan base is predominantly in America.' And your mind. I love Frankie talking strategy and BBUS! Next up, BB Allstars! Yes. I bet he'd just go back to being an uber cunt again, lol.
I thought Frankie was good in that interview. He's very professional. Bye, our Frank. Frankie asked about Bear in the interview AND Bear was mentioned in his best bits. Bear, bear, bear. What's the opposite of a subliminal message?
Is Aubrey getting booed?! Why! I'm embarrassed for my country. Aubrey mentioned Bear so Emma didn't have to. What is the crowd on? Aubrey was fine. Didn't Tiffany come out in a similar position?
Marnie out next! The Geordie wins are OVER. Yes. Although she's more entertaining than Ricky and nicer than Renee.
Lewis, stop doing loveheart hands. Not for adults. Marnie: 'Bear deserved to win, he's put on a good performance.' Enough said.
My internet has given up the ghost, just like my enthusiasm. This has been a struggle, emotionally, technology-wise, everything. It's all gone wrong.
Ugh, Big Brother is so fake ass. Talking of fake ass, here's Renee out next! The top American dog. Renee: 'My agent and my son are going to be so proud of me.' Priorities. Renee is annoyed she didn't have her Xanax. Yeah, they med you up on BBUS  On CBB they confiscate Lauren Harries sleeping tablets.
There's a lot of glitter on the evictees tonight. Even Emma has glittery eye shadow on.
Honestly, though, how did Fatboy make it to the final 2. He's done NOTHING. He wouldn't even eat that century egg. Trying to scrape together Fatboy's best bits will be like panning for gold in Antarctica.
No holding hands and shit for Bear and Ricky. They couldn't be further apart on the couches.
So Bear won! No shit. Bear should come out riding the zebra. Thought he wasn't even gonna hug Fatboy for a minute then. Say what you like about him - it was a fix, he was a cunt - it's true, but he still deserved it more than them. And he made me laugh. Also, the super obvious ending will hopefully make Endemol etc take a good hard look at themselves and sort out this car crash / joke of a season. Bear even told us to vote for him at the start! Take heed.
I loved Fatboy coming out and spraying aftershave on. It looked like Old Spice though. Task swerver! He could have won if he'd just eaten that century egg. Maybe.
I like the fact Bear had no eviction outfit, bragged about being in the house on his own and then went 'you should have put your money on me.'
I like the way Bear exited the house, cuddling the zebra, posing and then going down the banister. That was cool! Three good exits tonight, all from men!
I like Bear's 'Bear to win' sash also. 'Honestly, I feel great, I knew I was going to win it.' So cocky, lol. It would be great to have that much self confidence though. I admire it.
I love Bear giving Emma shit. I am annoyed with her being rude to him when he's won. Have some respect for your winner. You created that monster.
Emma can't handle him! Mentioning the window smashing but Bear deflecting. They could have ejected him if they were that bothered. The fact is, they want lowest common denominator housemates. The trouble will be trying to get people to sign up to future CBBs.
Bear: 'I'm a good diffuser of situations.' Emma: 'You're a professional wind up merchant.' True.
Emma: 'Couldn't you have broken up with your girlfriend?' Bear: 'Couldn't you have worn a red dress?' Good comeback.
Bear's best bits were too short! He had loads. Is he wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts to advertise Ex on the Beach on the sly? I'm surprised they didn't plug it in the ad breaks they're so shameless.
Emma put up a good fight with Bear but he won.
People on Twit moaning about Bear cheating on his girlfriend etc. Who gives a fuck? What is he, a woman? Did he entertain me? Yes. The end. Was a crap series and we got the winner we deserved.
And you know what the funniest part was? They didn't even show the goodnight section in the end. So you just blew the edifice of your show apart for NOTHING.
Now Big Brother needs to take a long hard look at itself and work out what to do next. I don't have to blog this shit, or pod this shit. Give us the show we deserve, or fuck off. I'm getting too old for this crap, really. I promote your show. Can you make it worthwhile?
PS: Thanks for reading and all the support. I appreciate it. Let me know what you thought of the final in the comments or on Twit. See you soon - one way or another!