The Apprentice: Half douche, half biscuit

Lord Sugar's in the kitchen? Well don't just stand there, stick the kettle on, you miserable old shrew. Oh, biscuit task. The best biscuit has already been invented; the Toffypop. Rarely seen, but when you find them, they are fucking AMAZING. They are more cake than biscuit, really. I could eat a packet, easy. My other fave biscuit are the posh thick orange chocolate ones from M&S. They are ace. I try not to have those in the house.
Helen: 'I've obviously got some experience in biscuits.' That's not something to say in public. Ergh, Zoe's voice is PAINFUL. She could be like the anti-Samaritans for people who want to top themselves. It'd only take a minute or two, job done.
Biscuit development laboratory! I've heard it all now. That's just a kitchen, right?
Melody, you boring bitch, stop trying to curtail Tom's ideas. Tom and Susie both get trodden on all the time. They need to go a bit gangster.
Are biscuits for kids a good idea? I can hear an anti-obesity message coming on. Natasha complaining about your ideas whilst not thinking of any of her own reminds me of being at work. Fair enough, criticise, but have something to replace it!
This Apprentice is bad for your health, I just went and opened a packet of Jaffa Cakes, and not just any Jaffa Cakes, M&S ones. They are SO GOOD.
Pop-squit! LOL. The two tone biscuit is the best. Melody is NOT a team player. Can you really see Alan working hand in hand with her? Can you fuck.
Natasha: 'we open up time'. Don't waste that sort of power on mere biscuits.
Melody WANTS to do a role play. That tells you all you need to know about her. Case closed.
The Bix Mix is a hit. I'd buy it. They look massive!
LOL to Melody and Tom's presentation. 'Where was this manufactured, in Heaven?' Hilarious. Why shouldn't a biscuit appeal to everyone? Why does a biscuit have to have an audience? I don't know what the target market for Jaffa Cakes is. I just like eating them. So do old people. And children. So fuck you, sour-faced Sainsburys buyers.
Zoe is being quite unprofessional in dealing with Melody, I think. She'd wind me up, too, but you gotta rise above it. Or stab her in the face. One or the other, but not in public. Zoe is permanently frowning. Melody is permanently sneering. They can both get to fuck.
Ah, the obesity police! I knew it. I like the special (needs) stars packaging best.
Jim is looking quite po-faced in the boardroom. I think he needs to relax a little. maybe he needs a massage.
No way, Bixmix got no orders! WTF? Helen is one smug cow. She's so annoying. Jim's powder blue cashmere jumper he was wearing whilst they scoffed cakes took the frigging biscuit. Oh, they're sure living the high life, what a treat. It's not exactly the sort of evening you remember on your death bed, is it?
My advice to Tom: keep your mouth shut and let Melody and Zoe duke it out. Ooh, Tomis showing his teeth a little. I'd pay good money to see him tell Melody to stick it up her arse.
This girl fight is a bit unbecoming. But as I said, Tom, zip it. Susie's not said a word so far. Zoe's going home I reckon, cos Sugarlumps is right up Melody's arse for some reason.
Ways you know someone is going to say something shitty: 'with all due respect', 'I'm not being funny, but..' 'Politely...' (this is my boss's favourite one, but she won't be my boss much longer, so I can POLITELY say this).
You can't call a biscuit 'common'. Well, you can. Sponge fingers are quite common. And pink wafers. That's all we had when we were little, back in the 50s.
Why did Zoe sit sulking outside like a div after she got fired? Then Melody didn't even say goodbye to her, and she didn't even want to say goodbye to Tom. What a dick.
Dear God, please get rid of Melody next week. Yes, God. I'm talking a ten ton truck, not a sacking. Sort it.

Live: Bright Eyes at the Royal Albert Hall

I went to see Bright Eyes at the Royal Albert Hall last night, which was extra special because my brother came, and it was his first time seeing Bright Eyes, and he’s a big a fan as me (well, obviously not quite as big, as I've seen Bright Eyes SEVERAL times before). The Royal Albert Hall is a dream venue, and everything is easily accessible, toilets, drinks, the place you want to stand. We got a really good spot by the side of the stage, even though we were late and only just got to see Super Furry Animals dude who’s name I’ve forgotten how to spell.
The set was a bit more extravagant than the Scala, with two giant tent like structures on the stage, and a Placebo-style graphics screen. The lighting was also really excellent, and was put to good use. The acoustics were AMAZING. The set was pretty much the same as the Scala, with exceptions being he did Another Travellin’ Song (why?) Ladder Song (incredible) and Landlocked Blues (ho hum), but he didn’t do a couple of oldies he did last time (I won’t say what or my brother might get jealous). He was jigging about as before (in Rasta trainers, I noticed) and did a funny introduction of the band members. At the end he was touching the crowd and hugging the crowd, and I got literally two inches from touching his hand, but then he was off. Boo. Oh well, I’ve still got my bit of Morrissey shirt to cling to. It’s amazing being that close up to him, he is really beautiful, as well as being a genius, which is a winning combination in my book. I love him so much. Even my brother said he would pet him.
My favourite song was Old Soul Song, I nearly cried, I was so happy (it was a good day yesterday, I just got a new job), but there were lots of magical moments, including someone telling my brother to ‘shush’ for talking during No One Would Riot For Less and then after that we were shouting ‘shush’ at anyone cheering. It’s a gig, ffs (although my brother does talk a lot, admittedly).
All in all a magical night! I'm jealous of anyone seeing them at Glasto! Until we meet again, Conor... I'll get you next time.

The Apprentice: Teapot tyrants

Roll up, roll up for the entrepreneurial elite! They're off to France. Will Tom soar as team leader? Will Susie lead Venture or that other rubbish team name to victory?
Do the French like their children? They don't like tourists, I know that much. Especially not English ones *bad flashbacks*.
I quite like the teapot light and the pop-up postcards. Melody is grating on my nerves. So, you speak French? People at my work speak about ten languages each. Not me, obviously. But them. And they don't brag about it. They just listen in on other people who are speaking French having conversations.
People DO use cars in France! I hate the Paris Metro *bad flashbacks*.
Melody is running rings around Tom, just because she can. I don't like her domineering attitude. He should tell her what's what.
And whilst I like the teapot, I wouldn't pay more than a tenner for it.
Oh Susie, it must be so EMBARRASSING being able to fit your arse into a child seat. No, it's embarrassing having to take up two seats on a aeroplane, you insensitive sap.
I don't like seeing my little Tom under pressure. I want to give him a cuddle.
Melody seems to be on fire. Even though she's a complete arsehole, she can sell.
Eek, worried Susie took it at the end with her mobile phone holders.
Melody should take the fall tonight. She dissed that car seat product hard. I'm really concerned Tom is going to go. *This is my concerned face*.
Flying lessons as a treat? No thanks, I'll pass. I'd rather to to the greasy spoon.
I've never even noticed that woman before who got the 200K deal. Surely she's going to win the whole thing?! DARK HORSE. She looked well smug at the end.
Melody reminds me of someone I work with who gets on my nerves. It's that one-tone voice, going on and on.
Orlando Bloom did fuck all tonight. Alan is right to have a go at him. But I don't want him, Tom or Melody to go, really. They're all good characters.
I want a 'Woman of the Future' award! I think Melody has said 'absolutely' about 12 thousand times tonight.
Yeah, Orlando has been 'on the ground' selling. He's been 'out in the field'. In a shopping mall.
Paper scissors stone gate! Melody's safe so either way we're going to lose some totty. Darn it.
Ah, Orlando went. Back to wooden acting for him. Tom survives again. Next week; Tom models himself on Melody by wearing dramatic eyeliner and setting up secret deals with Tunnocks.

Live: Patrick Wolf at The Garage, Highbury

So I went to see Patrick Wolf last night at The Garage in Highbury thanks to my free tickets. I was going to go and see him on this tour anyway, and hopefully I’ll get to see him at The Roundhouse, too.
It was a great gig, firstly there was no support act which suited me and my friend as we both had to leave early, and we still got to see the whole thing. Also, support acts are annoying.
I had a feeling the stage/ set would be quite pared down this tour compared to the old Vulture shoulder pads treatment we got at Heaven and I was right. He came on in a pork pie hat with a little dicky bow, and his set was quite mellow, too, I guess, there was a lot of the new ones, which are quite slow. The crowd really came alive when he played his dancier stuff; personally my favourite song of the night was Time of My Life, which is the strongest song off his new album. Also good off the new album were House and The City (even those saxophones seem more acceptable live) and one I think is called The Future. He did some stuff I’ve heard before like Wolf song (zzz), The Bachelor (not an oldie, as introduced) and The Libertine (clip clop). The best oldie he did was The Magic Position, obviously. The crowd went mad.
Other things I noticed: his voice sounds AMAZING. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it so strong, it really is a joy to listen to live. Sometimes he sings out of the side of his mouth a bit which reminds me of that Harry Hill when he called Kate Walsh sideways mouth for the way she was talking on the phone. And that also reminds me of Marjorie Dawes a bit. Yet despite all this Patrick oozes sexuality. Even covered in sweat. No, especially. Plus his hair looks really good at the moment.
When he came back on after the encore he was wearing an all-red suit which made him look like he should have devil horns, with blood smeared over his face. He did Tristan at the end, but it was a bit of a duff version of it, he’s gone for the classic Brian Molko style ‘reimagining’ and it had a lot of interference on it, so it lacked punch. He finished with Together off the new album, notable for him coming down from the stage and walking into the crowd, pretty much halfway through the room (but sadly on the wrong side to us). Now I’d like to see Morrissey or Conor have the balls to do that.I like the way Patrick seems to walk to walk when it comes to his fans, it doesn’t seem like rhetoric, he does seem to care for them/ us.
I have seen him do a better setlist before, but if you've never seen PW live, go see him, he's magic. Bonus point: there'll be no vivisection videos (oh, Moz, I've missed you this tour, unforgivable of me).

Patrick Wolf- Lupercalia

It is still good to buy CDs, and here's the proof; I bought Patrick Wolf's new album online at HMV and got free tickets to see him on Monday night. Now that's a bargain. I won Moz tickets a while back too. Surely the lottery win is just around the corner?
I always buy the CDs of people I love the most, anyway, and he falls into that category. It's got a lovely front cover and artwork, too. I like the fact he's pictured with a wolf inside. I like his red hair, too.
So onto the album. I've obviously already heard single 'The City' which is like The Killer's Joyride, complete with saxophones. I half love it, half hate it, it's joyful but too 80s and too poppy for my taste. Fun video, though.
I've also heard House, which has an AMAZING video. The song is quite sickly sweet, but uplifting. It's very romantic, but the lyrics are a bit too literal for my liking. And I thought he said 'greeting' heart (ie. crying), not grieving, which I preferred. I do like this one, it's a goodie.
I wasn't really feeling Bermondsey Street until he really pushes his voice at the end. He really has an amazing voice. The lyrics aren't up to much.
The Future is alright but it's a bit 'album track'. It all sounds like a soundtrack to some feel-good film. Armistice sounds like some hippy, religious dream.
William- it was (almost) nothing. That song must have been under a minute long!
Time of My Life is the best song on the whole album. Not since Since I Left You by The Avalanches (whatever happened to them?) has a singer sounded so gloriously happy to have dumped their lover. The whole song really soars, with the chorus of 'happy without you' really sticking the knife into someone, beautifully. I love it.
I liked how Slow Motion went a bit trippy at the end. My boyfriend just came in and said 'this would sound better on ketamine'.
Together has got a bit of a beat behind it at least, although I was certain he was going to go 'together, forever' which made me think of Westlife. It's a good track. Ooh he's doing a little talky bit at the end. I think he should do a bit of rapping. I reckon I could sing along to this one live already.
I just wish there was a couple more like this on the album. Where's the Vulture?
The Falcons sounds like The City at the start. This song is a bit too positive for me, I want things a bit seamier.
If I had to criticise the album, I'd say it's a bit samey. Whilst The Magic Position was his final stab at a big time pop career, it seems like this and the last album have both been a *little bit* self-indulgent. But then I never liked Wind in the Wires that much, so I do tend to shy away from the more stringy/ slow ones. I always liked Lycanthropy more. although Wind in the Wires has got Tristan on. But Lycanthropy has got Bloodbeat, Boy Like Me and Don't Say No, probably his three best songs of all time.
My boyfriend goes 'Has it got one like my blood beats black on it'? Well he said 'bleats' but that's beside the point. But it doesn't. It's just strings and soaring vocals. But that's nice too. I just like his techno side, too. I want to dance!
Disclaimer: this is my second listen of this. As ever, opinions may change over time. I hope this review isn't too negative, because I love and treasure PW. Don't want him to have a little strop over it and throw a mic stand at me.

The Apprentice: How do you blow your load?

5.45am wake up call? The world of business is not for me. I'm busy taking a stroll down blanket street towards the Land of Nod at that time of morning.
Why is Lordy talking to them from off a balcony? Balconies do make everything sexier, don't they? Except this.
Ooh, they are creating magazines. Look at Glenn winking at Jim, is he going to pinch his arse, too? Guess who's not taking who back into the boardroom if it all goes willys up.
OMG this Natasha person is ODIOUS. Lads mags. What a dick she is. The other team are doing over 60s. Even worse! Over 60s just read puzzle books or newspapers *generalising*.
My mum is over 60, though, and she certainly doesn't bowl. She just drinks in an armchair and watches ITV cos 'there's nothing good on the other channels'.
OMG! Glenn said older people might not understand humour. Uh-oh. Nick is LIVID.
Why have they chosen this demographic?! They know fuck all about it. The hatchet man is coming for Jim this week, mark my words. Alan's been gunning for him from a few week's back.
I like the suggestion of calling the mag 'Zimmer'. All their suggestions sounded like the names of hair colours or face creams.
Lads mags focus group. Even writing the words 'lads mags' annoys me. No, I won't put the apostrophe in. Who reads magazines? Women! Women in their 20s and 30s. Are they stupid? Oh.
More names for the mag: Pension mention? Old boot? Hip replacement! WTF? Are they mental? Oh, Jim, you're going DOWN. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWN. 'Life Begins' would have been a much better title.
I was going to lazily call my blog 'Pulp Friction' but that just got replaced, quick smart.
So the lads mags team are objectifying women for their task. Lush. Then they went up to people in the street and asked them 'how do you blow your load?' Fucking hell. Did the other team spike their drinks with Viagra? And they said they were 'raising the tone' of lads mags! *insert raising something else joke here*
At least the branding on the lads mag looks good. The OAPs one is gross.
I feel like Glenn and Jim are having a competition to out-douche each other. What a pair of bozos.
Do you ever open the door to a delivery man and go 'I'm the editor of Covered magazine?' Me neither. Do sex and business mix? Only in bad pornos.
Oh, the advertisers don't like the title 'hip replacement'? I'm really shocked by that. *straightface* Nick is gunning for Jim! I think Nick would happily whack Jim over the head with a shovel and bury the body in his back garden, then walk away whistling.
Natasha is 'uber, 100% taking the last one.' What's that? Medal in the bad-cliche competition? Cunt trophy?
Advertising looks like a very boring industry. I don't think Jim would know edgy if Nick pushed him off one.
OMG I hate Natasha soooo much. 'Dollar in your pocket'. Fuck off.
Also, over 60s don't really go on the tube, which is where you get those free mags. Why is that woman slagging off cardigans? I wear cardigans pretty much every single day. Mind you, I do work for a charity. It's virtually the dress code.
I don't think Glenn or Jim understand humour, which is ironic, as they're both a walking joke.
LOL to Alan being sexist to Karren. MISOGYNY in the boardroom. Well, I never.
Jim is going. I'm telling you. I'd blow my load on it.
It's all very well for Susie to go 'I didn't back the title' but she backed it by not arguing against it better. And Jim can blame Zoe for thinking of it, but he was virtually blowing HIS load over it. Oh well, IT IS WHAT IT IS, as the scunt-wearing arseholes say.
LOL Jim and Glenn are arguing! Is love's young dream over so soon? Winky winky. Never mind, they'll probably still drag all the girls back in the boardroom, like they do every week.
Susie's catchphrase should be 'that's so unfair!' followed by a sad face. Grow a fucking spine, ffs.
Nick is digging Jim out. I think he's going to put a bag over his head on the way home and give him the Phil and Masood treatment.
Haha, Alan just made me laugh with his Agatha Cristie play joke. I'm losing my grip on life.
Can't believe Susie is only 21. But bringing up your age is a deluded Big Brother contestant move.
OMG he fired Glenn! What about Jim?! Double eviction? Don't get me wrong, I hate Glenn. But JIM! Golden opportunity! Jim stayed. My load has been blown. And it was no fun.
PS: sorry for all the asterisks, I'm in a funny mood today.***********

Terry Pratchett: Choosing to Die

Alzheimer's is one of the scariest things ever, up there with getting trampled to death and rape. To see a respected writer struck down with it is particularly cruel. Minds are all we've got, really. I'd rather lose my body than my mind.
I say 'fuck you' to all those against assisted dying. I will choose the manner of my death, if at all possible. It is a luxury to be able to. Most people don't get the chance.
It's such an obvious thing, too obvious to even be discussed, in a way. If we can put down pets, why shouldn't we put down people? Life is not worth living in all it's forms. Most of the time life is barely worth living in full health, youth and vitality. Life is hard. Why shouldn't people be able to pack it in when they want? People commit suicide every day. So people who don't have the strength shouldn't be able to? Isn't that a bit unfair?
I like the thought of going at the time of your choosing to protect your partner. Why should they have to miserably look after you for ten years longer than they should, seeing 90% of the person you were disintegrate? What benefit is it to anybody? Watching someone die slowly must be agony. I can't even imagine it.
As for the argument people will abuse it and kill people; well people kill people every single day for all sorts of stupid reasons. It's not a good enough counter-argument.
Plus, who doesn't want a peaceful death in a bed with the person they love at the time of their choosing? Isn't that the absolute ideal?
People against it are idiots, in my opinion. Life is not worth preserving past a certain point; death is kinder. Plus who are you to tell someone else what to so with their body? It's like the anti-abortion lobby; just mind your own fucking business, why don't you?
Dignitas doesn't look as sexy as I expected, I kind of wanted it to look a bit Gattaca like, all chrome and fancy buttons. Instead it looks like the cosmetic surgery clinic I used to work at. The garden doesn't look like a 'very peaceful place'; it looks like a community centre.
Interesting the guy who went to Dignitas said he wasn't depressed, yet he was choosing to die.
It does seem quite voyeuristic watching someone die on TV. It will probably be commonplace in a few years time. Scary to hear that speech about what happens when you drink the poison. Don't sip it. Down it in one. Oh my God, it's like Romeo and Juliet all over again. It's weirdly creepy and foreboding. I like the way he made a 'cheers' motion afterwards when he did the practice. God, he looks too young to die. This is tugging on my heartstrings, now.
It's weird hearing about 'the day you're due to die' (I wrote a story about that recently and it was only partly successful).
Terry Pratchett asks the guy: 'How are you?' He replies not with, 'I'm fine', but 'One day'. One day to go. Fuck.
This guy looks almost healthy. He's only 42 and enjoyed the beauty of Zurich. Oh fucking hell. This is going to get grim.
It seems super brave to look death in the face and go for it, in a way. And I don't mean that about suicides in general (utter cowardice) but THIS way, that's something different. It's defiant.
And again, what a privilege to choose your last words, to eat your last meal, what song you'll die to; to have everything as you want it (except your life).
Oh God, the poor wife watching her husband of 40 years die. Imagine going home alone after that. Shit.
I want to die holding the hand of the person I love. In some ways, there's nothing sad about that. I'm always jealous of those couple's who die a couple of hours apart 'of a broken heart'. That's how I want to go. But either way, once you're dead, you're dead. It's only the people who are left behind who suffer then.
Terry's right, you have to choose to die earlier than you want in that situation, because if you leave it too long, you can't drink the poison. So you have to go before you really should because of some bullshit faux 'morality'. Real morality would be putting people down who have no quality of life (who've agreed upfront, I'm not advocating mass slaughter of OAPs).
How callous of these anti-suicide boneheads to cast aspersions on another person's free choice.
Oh God, I'm gonna crack up, this is too much. This calm, super-polite English gent filling in the paperwork (signing his own death warrant). It does feel quite wrong to watch this. 'I've had my drink now, that'll do me.' FUCK. This is serious.
You have to drink two drinks to kill you. OMG this feels like it should be such a private moment. When they kissed it was so sad.
I feel for Terry watching this; so many things must be going through his head.
Jesus: that did me in. OMG, I proper heard his death rattle. I heard that from my cat once, when we put her down. That was bad enough.
That was horrendous to watch. Absolutely horrific. I think I'll remember that for a very long time.
I'm pro-choice. That is not a decision to take lightly, and not one people take lightly. Let people get on with it.