Big Brother UK 2016: UKIP fucking things up

Lost hippy. Please return to Worthy Farm

Roll up, roll up for the biggest vote injustice ever; oh, no, that was yesterday. Here we just have a foregone conclusion that if a black woman is on the block against a gay man and a white woman, she may as well pack her bags. I even have historical evidence thanks to my timehop app that this time two years ago, Toya was shown the door over MARLON and ASH. And still with the VOTE TO EVICT. Why??? Can someone explain what the logic is? With vote to evict in the celebrity series, there would be NO Rylan vs Spiedi finale. No James vs Austin. It would be fucking Calum Best and Toadfish in the final. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? So they can get it right with the celebs? Why not the normal housemates? I like 'who goes, you decide' is catchy, but it's not worth ruining the show for, right? RIGHT?
Georgina is calling Evelyn 'a trashy slut' for doing handstands. What?
Chelsea thinks Charlie should leave. So do I. I feel like the third wheel in their boring ass non-relationship. Jason: 'This aint Blind Date.' Maybe if it was, he'd want to get off with her. He'd rather walk than get back into it with Charlie. Charlie: 'I still don't know where I stand.' RESTRAINING ORDER. Charlie: 'I just want my boyfriend back.' HE'S NOT INTERESTED. I hope BB is showing this crap to get votes for Charlie. I can't take it!
Emma doesn't want to bitch because she doesn't like the energy. Has she ever said a sentence without the word 'energy' in it? She wants to talk about the world or dreams. I fucking hate people who talk about their dreams. FUCKWITS.
Jane's DR's bore the ass of me. I HATE HER. I wish she was going tonight. Now she's yelling at people in the bedroom. STOP. Natalie to Jayne: 'What is wrong with you, you're such a witch.' Ha.
Jayne: 'Talk to the hand, go back to your brothel.' Chelsea: 'It's only round two, plenty more to go.' ABSO-BLOODY-LUTELY.
Hughie is wearing the same clothes as yesterday, just saying I noticed, as I liked them yesterday. Unless they're just using feed from any day now? I wouldn't be surprised. I'm surprised they don't make them wear the same clothes every day like X Factor judges or The Simpsons for continuity. Hughie says, 'Natalie has been saying 'evil tings' and 'building nests in people's ears.' HA!
LOL at Georgina calling Evelyn a 'stupid cow' when she was sat there. Oops! Haha. Fail. That's the worst feeling, but we've all been there. Evelyn: 'You're a stupid cow, you stupid bitch'. Georgina rulebooking again: 'You shouldn't be sleeping.'
Evelyn: 'You can go fuck yourself you entitled little rich bitch.' I wish she'd said that to her face. Haha now Georgina has fallen asleep and Evelyn is capitalising on it, haha. NAP WARS. I don't see why BB doesn't just let them sleep in the day, it's not like we can fucking watch anyway.
OMG Jackson just declared himself Georgina's boyfriend. Needy! Georgina will not be putting it on Facebook. 'It's complicated'?
Hughie would fuck Alex or Evelyn if pushed. And then came the storm. Andy in the storm is like in a really bad b-movie. It's like CGI rain. God is angry with the Big Brother house. Jason is taking charge. I'm getting Mario health and safety flashbacks. It's like the Titanic. Lucky they have the other house to go to, otherwise they'd probably put them in a Travelodge. Jason: 'Don't do another fucking raindance, will ya?' LOL.
It looks like there's blood on the floor of the other house. If not, there will be soon. It's like when the fire alarm goes off at work, isn't it, with them all huddled round. Natalie just said, 'I think you can read my mind!' in the style of Raul from Big Brother Canada (niche references are us).
Ah they're jigging the eviction when they save someone first. Love it. Charlie actually looks nice tonight. Hughie got cheers, yay. I hope it doesn't go to his head.
Yay! I love Hughie being safe and Jane cuddling him. GODFREY BBCAN3 style jump in the air. Then Lateysha cuddled him! LOL. She's changed her tune. I love Hughie getting the validation from the crowd. Let's see who sucks up to him now.
Jayne is trying to escape or just whining about escaping. GO HOME, OLD LADY. You're boring. 'I want the public to vote me out.' NO PROBLEM.
The housemates are 'role playing' in the garden. Cringe. Ryan was quite good as a gruff dad in the 'ears pierced' roleplay. It did feel slightly like a 70s porno.
Jackson: 'Georgina believes in monogamomy.' I believe in that word having four syllables.
Emma's 'on acid at Glastonbury' outfit is not doing it for me.
Jackson is clingy as fuck. 'My missus.' Oh Georgina is buying it. 'Communication is key' are not sexual words. It's like a PowerPoint presentation.
Toothbrush talk in the DR! I say talk, I mean bitching.
Jayne is missing her REAL FRIENDS (t.m. Kanye.) Natalie: 'I do make my presence known.' Welllll. 'I'd be more missed than Hughie.' NEGATIVE. She wants to come out with 'a bit of her dignity left.' Good luck with that.
'Get Natalie out' seems to have too many syllables (second mention of the word sylables in this blog, maths fans) for the dumb crowd. Oh Natalie's gone. You do surprise me. A black woman? Out second? You do surprise me. 'OFF OFF OFF OFF.' Why? For pot stirring? She did nothing wrong.
Natalie enjoyed 10% of her time in the house. Wellllll. This interview is going south fast. Emma is calling Natalie out saying Hughie never called Lateysha a slut. Natalie: 'Are we going to talk about anything positive?' Probably not. I like it when people start giving Emma grief.
DRY MOUTH TIMES. Can't they give the evictees some water FFS? Are they on a meter? It just flooded so they should be awash with the stuff.
Natalie seems broken. 'Emma's as fake as hell.' Haha. Emma (Willis) was so cold in that interview. She is SO BAD AT IT. I can't even.
Emma just came down those stairs like a crab. Prob back off to the sea, to swim around in the precious water she won't give to the evicted housemates while grilling the crap out of them.
So that's it. We're out of Europe, and we're out of Natalie. Sigh. The worst part is, I don't even care anymore. The second worst part is: nor does anyone.

Big Brother UK 2016: How can you be so rude?

Lateysha's little bitch (pictured)

Another SHIT warning at the start of the episode, two weeks ago there would be a plethora of warnings, nay, a smorgasbord, all down to one annoying man. Sigh.
It's the morning after the dull Natalie blow up where she did NOT hit Laura (I rewatched the tape!) Lost respect for Evelyn yelping, 'She hit her!' Evelyn clearly did not grow up in my family home or hometown. Otherwise she'd know what a hit looks like.
Natalie being dramatic and won't apologise. Natalie doesn't swap spit with ANYONE (cos she's the least sexy). Natalie calling Evelyn Laura's 'sidekick' haha. 'You're a greedy bitch, you mean nothing to me.' Laura: 'How can you be so rude?' Well.
Andy is doing his usual 'I'm above all this' routine in the diary room. He wants to go and dream of Elizabeth the first. I want to dream of a time when Andrew and Marco were still in the Big Brother house and I actually gave two fucks. Pipe down, Andy, no one cares.
Oh god, this brain task is rotting my brain.
LOL Andy is being revealed as calling Georgina a bully! This is the type of shitstir I like. Why are they showing Evelyn saying Jason has a heart of gold? Boring. Oh is Charlie watching? Evelyn is dead meat.
Haha, Laura calling Sam 'Lateysha's little bitch.' At least Laura said sorry. Laura is growing on me, you know, despite looking like she's wearing golf gear half the time. Sam's mouth is agape. Sam: 'I'm not Lateysha's bitch.' Haha.
Did Natalie just say 'two faced as Spock?' Ooh it's gonna kick off. Charlie: 'You don't know Jason. You've known him two weeks. I've took you under my wing.' Charlie is a DESPERATE for a storyline. Fake crying! Showbiz.
Laura and Evelyn are easy targets for nomination now. Two more women who will go over handwringers like Andy and Sam, pathetic little penguins that they are. Lateysha is being annoying too. Sam will 'forgive but not forget'. Pious, much?
How come Georgina isn't digging Andy out! Looks like they're written her out of this episode via airbush, like they did with Andrew. How does he get away with saying the 'bully' word? I even heard Rylan said it was a 'strong word' yesterday, lol.
Charlie remembering all the happy memories with Jason. Meat feast pizzas, Snickers... and then all those months he spent trying to get rid of her.
Emma is such a non entity, she's is GUARANTEED to be there in final night, sat beside human borebag Alex.
Laura and Evelyn crying in the DR, haha. Diary weep! Laura correctly used the word ostracised and then corrected herself. Ugh. I LOVE this, I think it's hilarious. It's so unfair as everyone bitches in the house, only a couple got shown, then only one thing gets focused on. Laura is now giving Evelyn a DR pep talk. I do kind of like these two, just cos I hate everyone else.But a two person alliance isn't going to work this early.
Sam and Lateysha with Natalie slating Hughie. Ugh. Sam: 'He proper pecks my head.' Tough! These are the same people who were so aghast at Laura and Evelyn bitching about them, go figure.
Jason: 'At the moment no one's feeling awkward.' Except all the housemates and what few viewers are left.
Lateysha hates people who call her a slag or a slut. I LOVE IT. Lateysha needs to pipe down. How come we never saw Hughie call her that? I like Hughie's parrot tshirt, it's a chic from me. In fact, I like his whole look today.
YAY a riled Hughie in the DR. My favourite. Hughie doesn't like the 'backbiting.'
Sam: 'I think Hughie's false as shit.' I love Jayne defending him! Then Jayne and Natalie started arguing. Haha. What a pair of hags (sorry, sexist).
OMG at Jayne in Natalie's face! I would have knocked her out if she'd come that close to me. 'Whore!' 'Takes one to know one.' These are like GROWN women. Quite grown. I love it when a housemate gets thrown out of the diary room mid- flow. Classic BB. I admire Jayne sticking up for Hughie but the way she went about it was insane. She's tapped.
Charlie: 'Why aren't you cuddling me, Jason?' Because he doesn't fancy you. MOVE ON. Move along, nutbag. 'Why can't we enjoy our time in here?' You know why, Jason. You won't do as you're told. YOU MUST SUFFER.
Lateysha giving Hughie a thick ear. This is not a good look for Lateysha in more ways than one. You should dress up to give someone a bollocking.
Not sure why that finished five minutes early. Maybe they ran out of footage. I've definitely run out of blog jokes, so fuck you very much, Big Brother. Thanks for reading!

Big Brother UK 2016: David Gest suite for Natalie

Jayne is moaning that the house is a mess - squalor is actually too polite a word for that dump.
Jackson is on his perch, pontificating about Georgina and his son. 'She took it on the chin like a true champ.' OK then. I await the rags to riches magazine deal.
Georgina is worried about Jackson's baby momma. 'Culture clash.' Who cares? Lateysha is right, if you like someone, it doesn't matter. So she obviously doesn't like him.
Jayne wants to bring in a rota. Chelsea is telling Jayne 'not to inaugurate herself into the house with an attitude.' HRH Honeytrap. Natalie is capitalising on the situation, stirring about Jayne. TOO LATE they realise they should have put Jayne up. It should be Jayne out, not Natalie. Now she's actressing in the diary room. YAWN.
Shopping task. Andy, Chelsea and Lateysha are the 'brain housemates.' Who decided that? Sam and Laura have to go on a bath full of unmentionables. Ryan isn't getting much airtime lately, is he? I almost started liking him, he's so insignificant (see alleged sexiest man Alex for further details).
Laura: 'It's all going in my fanny.' Insert Marco joke here. Or there. *sexist*
I fucking love battered sausage and chips, that's my lifeblood. I don't get this task. I'd be like, just give me the food. Is it cos the bath stinks they can't eat it? I can't work out what's going on. It ended with 'there's fucking fish coming out of my arsehole', though. Sound bites.
Then now have to say who's the most and least honest. BORING. Jayne *seriously*: 'What does being fake entail?' Er... you apparently. Then she cried. I don't care about any of these housemates. I don't care about another regurgitated shit stir. Have I mentioned I miss Marco? And Andrew. I miss all the BDSM people basically. Natalie will make it the hat trick.
Chelsea is being an arse in this task. He's so vile about Jayne and I fucking hate Jayne. Natalie the least sexy? Natalie is a dominatrix! She will make you call her sexy! *whip*
Natalie is refusing to go on the 'unsexy' podium. Jayne has admitted she's 'a bombshell'. Hughie has offered to go up as 'least sexy' even though 'I know I'm good looking.' Natalie: 'I get fit guys.' Hahaha. Sexy is very subjective. Andy and Chelsea are about as sexy as the shit weasels from Dreamcatcher, for example. And Jayne looks like she takes her dentures out before she gives a blowjob. (I know this is low, but the episode is so boring, it's driven me to it. Apologies for ageism/ sexism).
Natalie is now ordering someone round an obstacle course. Is it Hughie? 'I thought you were used to giving orders.' Andy can't watch, like when creepy Chris had to watch the live feed with Helen and couldn't be bothered. It's a hard life in the Big Brother house. Haha.
I like how much Natalie fucking up this task is annoying Andy, Lateysha and Chelsea. Even Evelyn is pissed off about the task nonsense. She speaks!
Andy is dissing Natalie's dom skills. Thought he was pro women? She she's been called unsexy and crap at giving orders. Where do we sign up for the spanking?
HAHAHA at Natalie issuing orders about the wine! Hilarity. Alkie! OMG my TV just cut out because it's thundering here. Right when it kicked off. Great timing. I don't think I'm fated to enjoy this episode. Apparently Natalie hit Laura, but I never even saw it. I'm getting mixed opinions on Twitter, from 'pushed her arm' to 'hit her.' I don't think she'd still be in there if she'd hit her.
Natalie: 'It's like I'm their target.' Fighting talk! Are they bullying Natalie? It's hard for me to tell with the missing footage. REDACTED.
Sam thinks people are ganging up on Natalie. Oh, he's got beef with Ryan. He doesn't agree with a guy (Ryan) being in a woman's face (Natalie) although I'm sure Natalie could kill Ryan with one finger, Chelsea style. I missed the bit with Ryan, so I can't comment. Sam is either being legit decent or a top gameplanner. Either way, it's more than I've seen him do so far.
SPARE ROOM. David Gest suite for Natalie. Ooh interesting that Laura and Evelyn don't like Lateysha and Sam. This is what I want to see, the real divides based on actual personalities, not fake beefs caused by arbitary divides, or dumb pre-existing relationships. I want REAL TALK not all this fake ass drama. Is that too much to ask? I know it is.
Natalie 'swiped Laura's arm in an offensive manner' and was given a warning. Was this fair? I have no clue. Not a great blog when I missed the crucial moment, plus the rest of the show was shit. Still, kind of sums up how I feel about Big Brother UK at the moment. Eight week series? Probably for the best. And I hate them for making me say that.

Big Brother UK 2016: Juicy boobs redux

Big Brother wakes the housemates up with some nomination terror. Lateysha has got her 'proportions' and 'consequences' mixed up. True gamer.
So only other others can be nominated, yay. I don't see why Chelsea is worried; him, Alex and Jackson won't be up, it will be all noobs, probably all women, but maybe Hughie, too.
Andy: 'I was going to ask in a very innocent way how it was sharing a bed with Georgina.' Nothing this dude does is innocent.
Where is Charlie lapdancing, at the local charity for the blind? SHE MINGS.
Alex admitting he told Charlie that Jason would be into the idea of getting back together, haha. Jason looks like a deer in the headlights.
Georgina's pierced nipples: eek or chic? I don't like Georgina all happy, I want her all miso again. It suits her better. Jackson: 'I'm getting a hard on.' TMI.
Jason and Charlie are having a 'spouting cliches' competition: 'run before I can walk', 'name of the game' 'damned if I do, damned if I don't.' STOP THAT. Simple people! No wonder they can't work out what they want in life, they can't even come up with an original sentence between them. 
Natalie is such a DR warrior. She doesn't like Lateysha for confronting Hughie for calling her a slag cos of the sheep tattoo. Did you really expect Lateysha to keep her mouth shut? Look at the size of it. Not gonna happen.
So others can't nominate either? They should be able to nominate each other, at least.
Natalie: 'It was dark black in the other house.' Andy: 'You probably think I'm only talking to you because of nominations.' Talk about over analysing everything! Chill out, Andy! You look like shit from all the moralising.
NOM TIME. Jason nominated Natalie 'for causing tension' and Hughie for calling Lateysha 'thick.' Too pussy to nominate Charlie.
Sam nommed Hughie- the cold vibe was probably because he's getting off with your ex boyfriend.
Emma doesn't like Natalie's energy. I don't like Emma's mismatched nipples. She also doesn't like Hughie. They just don't get Hughie yet, like I didn't for a few days. You will grow to love him.
Georgina nominated Natalie and Hughie. 'I've heard he goes zero to a hundred.' You heard right. 'He's a viper.' He's more of a terrier.
Charlie has reduxed Kelsey's cage dress from BBCAN into a swimsuit. Charlie's boobs are grotesque. Everyone looks miserable in the pool clad in binbags. Jason is trying to influene the noms 'she's enjoying herself and pushing me out.' Chelsea: 'I saw that. Abso-bloody-lutely.'
Georgina digging Jackson out for smoking and fancying Evelyn. She is quite demanding, isn't she?
Andy is nomming Charlie because Jason is his mate and he wants him back, no doubt. Everyone is nomming Natalie! Poor Natalie.
Evelyn nommed Jayne! Yes. I really want Jayne to go, not Natalie. Evelyn always does a shrewd vote, I've noticed. She doesn't like Jayne being a 'honeypotter.' Who's that, Harry Potter's wife?
Laura nominated Charlie and Hughie 'for arguing with everyone.' Lateysha nominated Hughie and Natalie.
Jayne dishing the dirt on John Terry. John Terry is disgusting. I think Jayne might be worse. Didn't know he was engaged, whatevs. Her honeypotting game is strong. But if I employ her to spy on my boyfriend, doesn't that mean she's just going to shag him? Then I have to pay her? Then she sells the story? Hold on, where do I sign up to BE Jayne? Oh hold on... John Terry, Sven, Chelsea... I take that back. I know she's like 65, but gross.
Georgina just busted out 'Not being funny, but...' She has a face built for 'not being funny.'
So who's up? Natalie, Hughie and Charlie. Charlie should go up for the knee high gladiator sandals alone.
Natalie will be the 'happiest bitch on the planet' to go. I don't really know who I want to go. I wanted Jayne to go. As long as Hughie doesn't go, I don't care, and there's no danger of that. He's a man.
Sausage fingers is comforting Sarah Harding's mum. He must be PRAYING she goes. PRAYING.
Charlie thinks Jason might just want to wait until they're outside to get it on! Haha. Deluded.
What the fuck is Emma wearing? Her underwear and then some black fishnet god knows what. Is Natalie auditioning her for a job in the brothel? Not sure what energy we're getting from that mess. Even dressed 'sexy' she's not sexy. She looks like a horse caught in a fishing net.
Jayne's paisley (jumpsuit?) ensemble looks like someone's vommed on her. It's all about the clothes tonight because Marco went. He would have had to go anyway, to go to court today, but that's not the point. BB would have covered that up somehow, maybe put a bag over his head outside court. But you'd still hear 'EHEHEHEH' from underneath it after daddy paid the fine.
Charlie's lapdance. She is sexual herpes. Is Jason enjoying it or not? Looked like there was a stirring in his loins towards the end. GROSS. Emma's singing was probably the most disturbing part. Very reminiscent of Bianca's lapdance with Winston when Zoe 'I don't mix with people in Asda' sang another creepy as fuck song.
Natalie is determined to find out who nominated her. Jason doesn't 'want a dildo shoved up his arse'. Weeeeelll. He can't afford it, apparently.
Georgina doesn't understand what Jackson sees in her. Well, it's slim pickings, isn't it? She is appalled by him sleeping with 300 women. Don't worry, I'm sure he made that figure up.
Georgina will have to get Jackson to behave 'during cupcakes and tea.' Don't worry, he'll probably be off banging all these imaginary women. How awful to start going out with someone and then start trying to change them in the first WEEK? Just go out with some posho. You're not even posh anyway.
OMG Georgina is jealous over Jackson's pictures. STEVEN GOODE. He's getting the pictures out! When he said, 'That's my son' that was a genuine twist. I was shocked. Why is he keeping it secret? The poor kid! You wouldn't want Georgina as your stepmother, would you, fam? Also, how is this going to go down during cupcakes and tea?  I wanted to see more of Georgina's reaction to that. SOME HOPE.
Jason 'works on the majority, eight out of ten cats.' SHEEP VOTE. Andy is more of a one man island. I am finding this DULL DULL DULL. Bring on BB18 (Big Brother USA) which starts tomorrow.

Big Brother UK 2016: Romeo and Juliet: the magazine deal

Have you noticed the warning is shit now because Marco isn't in anymore? BORING! Also, I must mention the slut shaming Holly and Phil gave Marco on This Morning. Holly actually said to Marco: 'How will your children feel about seeing you potentially with a woman who's not their mother.' WTF? The weirdest part of that sentence is like Laura WOULD be the future mother of his children. The second weirdest is worrying about Marco's imaginary children when he's twenty one and he did FUCK ALL. The third weirdest is the thought of Marco's children watching back episodes of Big Brother. Like that's gonna happen. I hate Holly, she's such a fucking prude. Phil is not much better.
Haha Andy is sleeping with a little teddy. Is that part of his colourful sex life? He says he's 'not looking forward to aggravation and conflict.' Don't lie, you little bitch, handwringing in the DR. Andy think the others deserve immunity more! I hope they win then he goes. See how he likes it then.
When Ryan shouts at Hughie I just want him to go doolally at him. Ryan is no Nadia, is he? Jackson: 'You ever done cocaine off the floor, fam?' Depends how clean the floor is. Big Brother house floor, no chance. STREET KIDS. Is smoking addiction comparable to cocaine addiction? We need a guinea pig to find out. I nominate Marco.
Ryan and Hughie make me laugh despite myself. Hughie makes Ryan palatable.
Jackson vs Hughie is hilarity. What a lot of hot air. 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOUTING AT?' I love Hughie standing on a pouffe to seem more intimidating. Why bother getting angry at Hughie kicking off? Alex: 'Get out of my face.' Oooh, Alex speaks and he's aggressive. No surprises. Can we say Danny Wisker? Hilarity. Getting upset about Hughie going off is like shouting at the moon. Hughie's natural state is shouting and pointing. Sit back and enjoy.
Jackson: 'You're aggressive.' It was your vein popping out, fam.
Big Brother: 'Do you think an argument this close to the task is good for team harmony?' Haha. Hughie in the diary room is amazing. I actually think Big Brother have found a unique housemate in him. I didn't get him for a few days. But now I think he's my winner pick. I love how they make up so quick, it cracks me up, fam.
Grab the orb task! they are pitting Jackson against Georgina! Haha. This task looks dangerous. Looks like a good recipe for broken bones. Takeshi's castle! Ryan vs Andy's gay on gay action was hilarious. Got quite nasty there. They are proper strangling each other. This task is funny. It's like a cheap task, like the ghetto task redux, but works. The way they picked the pairs was good.
I'm loving Laura's lipstick tonight. CHIC!
Jackson is on his perch in the DR. 'Are we Romeo and Juliet? Their firms wouldn't let them be together so they just fucked them off and got together.' AND THEN THEY DIED. He probably didn't get to that bit. His Lady and the Tramp storylining is tedious. I still find him attractive though, which is annoying. Those cheekbones, sigh.
Chelsea can 'break people's arm with one finger.' Who to begin with?
The main housemates feel protective of Jason. Even Evelyn feels strongly about this. People are twitching about the bed situation. Don't blame them.
So whichever side wins is immune. I already know which side wins. And I'm happy about it.
The key hidden in the balls is like Jeff from BBUS and his clown shoes, isn't it. FIX. LOL. How is Jason going to unlock padlocks with those sausage fingers?
Yay the main house won. Hopefully we can get rid of Jayne, Natalie or Charlie.
Charlie is a MEGA bunny boiler. *sexist* She's playing mindgames from the off. Jason is shitting a BRICK. The others are joining the main house. *screaming etc*
Georgina: 'You're such a loser.' to Jackson. Ha. Lateysha matchmaking. Jackson; 'If I was there you could whine in my ear.' That's my kind of fella.
Aw to Ryan and Hughie jumping in the pool. Natalie is MIXING straight away, haha. I love it.
I actually really feel for Jason trying to manage this situation. Charlie is a firecracker. Jason: 'I've said you've got a slight anger problem.' Hahaha. 'Well, you've always wanted to live with me.' Good one.
Natalie: 'Hughie has been calling you a slag and a slut' to Lateysha. OMG that is bad. You shouldn't come in and say that, you should let people make up their own mind about people. Strong gameplay, though.
Jason is hiding in the DR from Charlie. He is like a war torn veteran on fireworks night.
Lateysha is upset with 'Whoey'. 'How can you judge me based on the show I've been on?' Er. That's what my entire podcasting and blogging oeuvre is based on. I MISS MARCO.
Jackson is pushing his storyline too hard! STOP THAT. I do like seeing him all smitten in a way, though, ha. Swoon. I'm so mixed on him.
Jason is on bed watch. Charlie doesn't mind top and tailing. I think Jason does. Charlie is going to fight for him. He will 100% get back with her, whether he likes it or not.
Natalie's shit-stirring is quite a joy to behold. Is a tattoo of a sheep really the mark of a 'slut'? I don't see how.
Hughie admitted he called Lateysha a slut! Haha. At least he admitted it. I'm glad she confronted him. I liked his 'as a traveller, I'm used to being pre-judged' deflection.
Hughie swore on his mum's life he won't react to Natalie anymore. OK then. *Looks at watch*
Does Georgina even like Jackson? I think she just likes the attention. Mind you...
Jason's 'I've got your back' is not the same as 'I want you back' is it. I reckon he'll want to nominate Charlie but he'll be too scared they'll show it. *Evil cackle* Charlie has Big Brother brain x 1000. I don't think she'd be interested in Jason if they weren't on TV. Charlie is a moody cow. 'It's FINE!' It's not fine, is it?
What was Natalie just eating in bed? Looks like she popped a cotton ball in her mouth.
Georgina: 'I'm expensive. I love shoes and bags.' UGH. I don't remember than in Romeo and Juliet, do you?

Big Brother 2016 UK: Kiss and tell (it to my face)

SAY YACHT?

We did a podcast last night if you missed it and you like a bit of aural.
I'm so over the others, especially their disgusting green bedroom, it makes me want vomit. Also, ALL the housemates tattoos make me want to buy shares in Dr Tattoff. GROSS. Jason's tribal tattoo is at the top of my shitlist at the moment, but believe me, there's plenty of others to choose from.
Chelsea thought Marco was entertaining: HE WAS! Vote to evict CULLS ENTERTAINMENT. It's fucked.
Jason recognised Charlie's boobs and hair extensions. How romantic. 'It was like being hit over the head by a baseball bat. My ears dropped to my mouth, my mouth dropped to my gut.' He's got quite a way with words, hasn't he? What a dreamboat.
Jackson is eating an apple alert.
I love the fact Laura has cottoned onto that gross comment Andy made about Marco getting a reality check. That was so mean and uncalled for. Seeing the other side to Andy? There's only one side: being an absolute cunt. How can people like him? He's not funny. He's not interesting. He's not attractive. And he's NOT intelligent. He's sour but without all the fun of being sour that Georgina has.
The others are arguing about cleaning. 'TALK TO THE HAND. SAY IT TO MY FACE.' The others house is like the shouting factory. Please stop. SO MANY LOATHSOME PEOPLE. Hughie came in at the end and nearly started, too. Haha. At least Hughie is there.
Georgina still sourfaced knowing Jackson loves her. Why is everyone constantly eating cereal in Big Brother? Crunch, crunch, slurp, slurp. How exactly are the housemates going head to head? So whoever wins gets immunity. It needs to be a one on one battle to the death with a pugle stick.
Lateysha: 'I hope there's no questions cos I'm thick as fuck.' Don't worry, yours will be a drinking task.
Chelsea is saying the others are going to band together. In between yelling at each other and nearly braining each other. I'll believe it when I see it!
Why is Andy alienating his own alliance? Great social game, mate. Really intelligent. How can anyone call this man intelligent? Go get back in the lift, bitch. Your local shops are missing you.
Great task outfits. Electric shocks? No, just decorative, I think.
Viewers tweets! Outside contact. Robot American Big Brother FTW. Jayne has crossed out some of her answers but you can still read some of the housemates she's insulting. Weak gameplay. Why not read out my tweets Big Brother, too spicy for ya?
Andy: boring. Natalie: too opinionated. Chelsea: up his own arse. Andy is a sly fox. Many lols.
Ryan and Lateysha are downing vom shots. Lateysha has fucked it, Ryan swallowed like a champ.
The others are smashing it (eggs and otherwise).
Chelsea and Andy are having a brain off. The pound of feathers and stone. Hughie really loudly: THEY'RE THE SAME.' while everyone shhes him. I'm dying.
SPELLING! Hughie is deffo the man for this job, Yacht is actually quite hard to spell, I just misspelt it writing it then and I'm a writer/ editor (I know it's hard to believe when you read this). Embarrassment is also tricky although I got that first time this go (gold star for me, mummy)
Century egg! *Gordon Ramsey vomit noise* Pass the sick bucket. Laura is going for it! Jackson can't do it! I admire her for that. She did well. I remember I found newfound respect for Jordan back when I watched I'm a Celeb and she did all those tasks in the jungle and tonight I feel like that about Laura, not just about the egg, but about something that comes later.
Honesty task: Natalie vs Georgina. Most untrustworthy: Andy. Hoodie gate redux. Andy looks so annoyed, I love it. His face is a one man meme machine.
Jayne gives all the money from her kiss and tells to charity. BHAHAHAHA. I've heard it all now. Literally fucking for charity. That's a new one. What a philanthropist.
Who will win? Alex. Yep. Doesn't say a word, is a man and strips of regularly; great strategy.
Who would you evict right now? Georgina said Andy. Natalie said Hughie. Natalie is on my shit list for targeting Hughie. YOU TICK COONT!
I don't think you should say 'pot kettle black' to a black person even though going 'you tick coont' on our podcast is also racist, so you can't win. Yet it's so much fun.
Just think, that was the FIRST TIME the main house met the others. They didn't really make a good impression, did they, bellowing at each? They come across MENTAL. Oh, that's because they are.
Andy whining about Georgina. 'Bullied'! Bitch, please, you little shrew. I knew he'd play the pity party card now. 'HOODIE GATE.' Hahaha it's funny when even the housemates are calling it that. Do you think Jason even likes Andy? I don't. He's just someone to smoke with until Charlie comes in to terrorise him.
I LOVE Laura bringing 'reality check' thing to Andy. Him: 'I meant it was a reality check for everyone.' You fucking liar. Backtracking shit. I love the fact everyone hates him. Now he's backtracking on saying he might like the new people better, too! Even Evelyn is onto him! Sssssssnake!
Natalie is such a wooden spoon about Jayne and Chelsea, I've got to give her that. Jayne is SOOOO sanctimonious. I hate her diary rooms.
Remind me never to eat pasta, everyone is eating it like their mouths all shrunk by one size.
Jayne: 'I've dealt with the Natalie's of the world.' What, black people? Ha, Natalie overheard. Jayne: 'I want to go home.' GO HOME THEN. I HATE YOU.
I'm suddenly warming to Natalie halfway through my blog, haha. I can't get a handle on these housemates. It's just different levels of odiousness. It's definitely who you hate least on any given day.
Ryan LOVES Hughie, I called it. Meanwhile, Sam thinks HUGHIE fancies him! He was probably just looking at him because he's Ryan's ex boyfriend and he's curious. Unless he has a penchant for neck acne.
Natalie has like half a posh accent, half common. She's referring to herself in the third person. Stop giving her so much DR time. I'd rather see Hughie in the DR. I'd rather see Marco and Laura fucking in the DR chair, TBH.
Still can someone explain to me how this others shit works? Is it all the others stay or some stay? NO ONE KNOWS DO THEY. Not even Endemol. We'd better lose at least three or four people. It's only an eight week series. Let's stark kicking these motherfuckers out in bulk.

Big Brother UK 2016: Two to tangle

WHY OH WHY?

EVERYONE is getting booed, I love it. Let's get ANDY or EMMA out. Waste of space. Airtime deficit. I've voted for the pair of 'em.
Laura does seem like someone who is going to get fat in the house. No shade as my entire diet is bread and potatoes, ha.
Evelyn speaks! God, Emma (twin, although host, too) is so bugging. 'Make friends.' Fuck off.
Georgina's cake is the final straw for her. 'I take an insult as a personal criticism.' I take it as a compliment. They could have shown the fucking cake.
Natalie: BORING. Zzzz.
Marco is after Emma now. EHEHEHEHEH. She's got FAKE BOOBS. Unnatural. 'I want to eat you up.'
Ryan REALLY fancies Hughie. I still feel like the boiler suits are quite boybandy. We've not seen a proper gay showmance have we? Mark and Christopher were really tame. We didn't even get to see the kiss thanks to Big Brother's crappy camerawork. OMG Ryan is joking about Hughie? OR he he covering for the fact Hughie isn't into him. I not only don't know, I don't care. Who would you have sex with out of Ryan or Hughie if you were a gay man? I think Hughie. But what about the rat hair?
Chelsea about Jayne: 'She is a lying fucking bitch.' Charming. Natalie is stirring the pot, haha. 'Dirty whore.' Dirty whore! Really? What a douche. I hate him FOREVER NOW. FOREVER.
Ryan has slept with a Chelsea football player. Bhahaha.
I love how miserable Georgina is. She's a one woman 'gate'. Hoodie gate. She hates Andy. 'Hoodie investigation.' Andy is so pissy as well. I'm surprised they're not friends. Lateysha is not happy to be woken up. I liked Georgina rulebooking her.
Andy and Jackson are an airtime void. NON-ENTITIES. Marco isn't getting much airtime this episode, which is great for his game. Georgina needs a stress ball. I haven't even seen a stress ball in five years. We must get to the bottom of hoodiegate and cakegate.
Marco philosophising on Georgina's mental health. 'I used to be a bit of a princess.' LOLOLOL. I LOVE MARCO. 'I will leave you with that.' Kisses fingers. 'Offsies.' OFFSIES.
I note the BBUK hashtag isn't trending AS USUAL. Losers.
Andy is LITERALLY wringing his hands. 'It's like every day you're going from one thing that's annoyed you to the next.' That is what LIFE IS. Andy is a one man shrug.
Marco loves his fiancé to pieces. Andy is talking to him like he's a toddler. He's determined to stop Marco and Laura having sex for some reason. KILLJOY. Text proposal. Class.
Andy is dressing in drag to prove he's not boring. It's not working. I'MNOTBORING.
Jackson: 'Georgina looks right mardy half the time.' True that. 'Street kid loses again.' Ha. Why is he so sure Georgina is going? 'I'm Aladdin and she's Princess Jasmine.' Cringe. I still love Jackson.
Why is Lateysha wooden spooning about the hall pass? Zzzz.
Ryan and Hughie. Rughie? Hyan? They're gonna fuck, hundo.
I'm marvelling at Marco's tattoos in HD. Andy is worried about Marco's perception. Hahahaha. Pull the other one, mate. Marco actually listens to this crap from Andy, which I find mind-boggling. Andy is worrying about women being subjugated. Some women like being subjugated so STFU. Jut ask Andrew (Masterplan! Rented mansion! Racist tweets!) I don't presume to know how gay men want to be treated. Marco just said 'two to tangle.' OMG. That will be in stone from now on.
Finally this others shit ends. So tedious. Hope they don't fuck up the feed this time.
Evelyn just said 'Hughie looks annoying, though.' BHAHAHAHA. She'll learn to love him like we do.
Why is Jayne introducing herself? 'Dementia' awareness campaigner.' Haha. Charlie: 'I love you, Jason, I'm sorry.' Great, another showmance! Jason looks AGOG! That is genuine shock. OMG he's crying. Amazing. That was something real that just happened, believe it or not.
Oh, the others shit didn't actually end. Dear GOD.
Here we go. Ooh, Georgina got SOME cheers. Even Marco did. Cue cards!
Fuckeries, Marco is out. I hate you all. Marco: 'Boo more!' Yeaaaaaaahhhh. That's £3 down the drain. I hate vote to evict sooooo much! CRAP. Vote to evict is just a passport for floaters, a DEADWOOD paradise.
Aw, Marco is surprised to be out and not taking it personally. He's already rubbing his nose.
So should I be happy that after 15 years or whatever Marco is the first man to be evicted first? I suppose I should. Girl power. Sigh.
OMG I only just noticed Marco's trousers. Amaze. Leopard print leggings. And the SHOES.
Emma lambasting Marco for 'having fun on night two.' Emma is slut-shaming Marco. Hahaha! FOR GOD'S SAKE. I would have paid money to see him fuck in the DR chair.
Emma; 'You've got to rein it in.' Why tell a housemate to rein it in? REIN IT OUT. Is it rein or reign? I'm drunk.
Marco: 'Big Brother told me about Kim and my court case.' HAHAHAHA. What a fucking JOKE. That will be cut out of tomorrow's edited highlights.
Marco: 'Is she here?' about his fiance. Emma: 'No, she's not.' She enjoyed that. She is SUCH a square.
Marco is gutted. DRY MOUTH. At least he got the wub wubs on his best bits. Haha squeezing lemon in his eye in his best bits. YES! Marco's laugh gets a best bits of it's own. 'Cool cats'. LOL.
WHERE'S THE COCAINE? Not for Marco, for me, having to cope with these shitty housemates.
Chelsea: 'You've taken my best friend away.' about Marco. Shut up, you dirty whore. Jackson: 'Georgina's only a girl. Marco's my boy.' FUCK OFF! I'm so disappointed in him.
FFS. I hate this series. Podcast tomoz. Thanks for the emotional support.

Big Brother UK 2016: Don't speak to Big Brother like that

The others are immune? Ugh.

What the fuck is going on in the world? We're shooting dead MPs? Perhaps start with Farage, then? Seriously though, what a week for news. The world is terrifying. So when people ask why you still watch Big Brother, this is why. Because we can be in the house with them, away from the news, away from the world, away from anything serious. Unfortunately, still with Jayne.
I don't know who's been nommed. Maybe no one does? I stayed off Twitter today in case other people knew.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT JAYNE. I actually agreed with James Jordan (I know, wtf) on BOTS when he said 'Nobody cares.' Less than nobody. We always say put oldies in the house, then they put oldies in and they are an embarrassment.
Lateysha is worried the others are watching her 'do a shit.' I think there's a special channel for that. She misses putting make up on Chelsea. No comment.
Chelsea is pretending he doesn't know why Jayne is there. He's twitching, bad. Look at his diamond earrings. All that money, no taste whatsoever. What a twonk. Is he enjoying his Big Brother 'experience'? I doubt it.
Texses! It's TEXTS FFS. I feel like I'm watching Jeremy Kyle. Jayne is a pain in my arse. Bring back Andrew, etc.
Ooh they're doing the shopping list! Haven't seen that for a while. I love the shopping list wars. Always reminds me of Science. What a housemate. Memories.
Jayne can 'anayalate' Chelsea in one second. Chelsea is anayalating her at the mo by revealing she slept with John Terry and Sven Goran Errikson. HAHAHAHA. Who would be interested in a kiss and tell on Chelsea? YOU'RE NOT FAMOUS.
Andy is RUINING the ghost story. He is SUCH A MISERY GUTS. Sam: 'Are you calling me a liar? Are you calling my mum a liar?' Bad time to start a fight, just before noms. Epic fail. He's meant to be 'intelligent'. Self-proclaimed intelligent professional killjoy. Also, what he's saying isn't even right. There are MANY unexplained things in life (admittedly, ghosts aren't one of them). 'Colourful sex life my arse.
NOMINATIONS. At last. How can we only just be at this point. Ryan can't be nommed. WHYYYYYYY? I want him out.
Laura nommed Georgina for being negative and Sam because his mum's a liar. No, not really. Cos he turned on her when he heard the crowd boo her. That is bad. Fairweather friend.
Jason nommed Lateysha for 'over-acting' and Laura for getting it on with Marco. Why not nom Marco? Oh I know, because HE'S A MAN!
Evelyn nommed Georgina and for being a 'downer' and Andy for looking at her because she's stupid. Andy does look at people like they're a bit of shit on his shoe.
OMG Jason suddenly turning feminist, going back into the DR and asking to change his vote. 'It aint right. I have to nom Marco too.' AMAZING.
I'm glad BB didn't accept him changing the nom. Jason is just trying to look good for the cameras. Sorry, we have to accept your first sexist nomination.
Andy is trying to patch things up with Sam quick before nominations. Sam: 'I hate being patronised.' I fucking love it! It's my favourite.
Emma nommed Georgina and Andy for being negative.
Sam nommed Andy for calling his mum a liar and Marco for... well, being Marco.
Lateysha also nommed Marco by stealing Adjoa's line. And Andy. For being angry.
I love Hughie seeing through Chelsea messing about straight away. 'What am I in Downton Abbey, are yous all acting?' Hughie is great casting. I did not see it. But now I see! I see you, Hughie.
Georgina nommed Marco and Emma. I hate Emma but Emma will never go. I love Georgina's perma disgusted face. I really don't want Georgina to go. I like how annoyed she is with everything.
Andy nommed Emma for her energy bullcrap. He also nommed Evelyn for trying to be friends with people. Er, what? 'I can see she finds it difficult.' How could he not nom Marco! Weird.
Marco nommed Georgina in his whispering tones; end of. Big Brother digging out Marco. 'I fucking said it.' Big Brother: 'Marco, don't speak to Big Brother like that.' Marco nommed Andy for ghostgate. Marco is nomming like they're going to show Georgina and Andy his noms. Why is he being such a baby? MAN UP, SON.
Jayne is getting angry about towels. I heard a good rhyme with towel today in a song but I can't remember what it was.
Georgina doesn't want cake baking advice from Marco's greaseball arse. Looks like he's washed his hair in chip fat.
Jayne is airtime seeking. 'ARE YOU ON DRUGS? WHY DO I WANT TO GO HOME?' She's like Nikki Grahame's grandma. Settle down, dear. Give her a cup of Horlicks and a Xanax.
Big Brother is being a funny fucker today. I like Big Brother's tone in general this year, like 'whatevs.'
So who's up? Emma (why?), Andy, Georgina and Marco. No Laura! Haha. So Ryan failed to get Laura nommed. He better be up! Oh he just has to go back to the others? Put him on the block! It's a golden chance to get rid of him. WE CAN'T LOSE MARCO THIS EARLY. Is it vote to evict?
Do I admire Ryan for not trying to get Laura put up? Not really. But I'm glad Laura's not up. Let's face it, it's what Big Brother wanted. She was a classic first boot. I love it when BB doesn't get what he wants.
Chelsea is getting on my nerves. I know he's a good character but he's got a nasty streak.
Cookery time. If someone is saying 'I don't know how black the crust is meant to be,' I don't think that cake is going well.
Aw, Andy trying to be cool letting Marco feed him crisps. Prawn cocktail. Embarrassing. Look at the state of that floor. Animals.
Ryan and Hughie are getting off. Laura and Marco are getting off again in the pool. Second hall pass? I think Marco just said 'slap my fucking nuts and call me a whore' but I may have misheard. Ah, he's doing his laugh again. EHEHEHEHEH. Music to my ears. My natural laugh has turned into the Marco laugh, which is very disturbing. Then Marco told Emma he loved her, even doing the 'not for adults' loveheart hands. Does he think that will ingratiate him back with his girlfriend? Sorry, fiancé.
Laura and Marco are shameless, naked in the bathroom. I am not even agog anymore. I'm meh.
Ryan and Hughie getting off was quite sweet in a weird way, unless I've gone mad (it's possible). They would have quite a tempestuous relationship, don't you think? Maybe it could kind of... work?
Shiiiiiiit it's vote to evict. Marco is FUCKED. What is the point of vote to evict! Vote to save would have removed the horrid twin from proceedings. You came as a package deal, lady, get the hell out. Let's VTE ANDY'S boring arse! Actually I'm not voting. Fuck this mess. But still. SAVE MARCO.

Big Brother UK 2016: I have the biggest bollocks in this house

Um, Ok, how to do they clean up the mess of last night? BOTS' attempt was a grand fail. The fake enthusiasm in the audience was palpable. I'm with Andrew's idea of renting a mansion, filling it with booze and filming it 24/7 until BB puts him back in the house. I would watch that. It couldn't be produced worse than last night's show. And I think it might be a lot more fun.
So the others are in the house writing shit with lipstick. It's not even a good lipstick colour. Hold on, Jackson wrote 'marry me' on Marco's pic? OK then.
I like the broken heart on Jason's face, very subtle. Also I did not enjoy hearing about his long, thin willy on BOTS.
Why have they written 'two faced' on Georgina? I like the fact they're written 'booooo' on Laura. It's like a cue card written in lipstick.
Twin is rewriting the graffiti to make it more positive. Chelsea: 'Write 'the real deal' on mine.' HA. 
Hughie is shredding the Shreddies box. Meta.
Lateysha calling Marco on his fiance nonsense. 'I had a hall pass, OK?' No, not OK.
Laura's regret happened quick, I don't think they've even been in there a week. I'd prefer them to carry on getting it on, it's more genuine. You've already fucked the relationship. Laura KNOWS THE GIRL CODE. The girl code is like the phantom 'girl's alliance'. DOES NOT EXIST.
Also on BOTS Jason was calling Sarah Harding Senior 'It' last night. Eww. I DON'T CARE about him and her and I care LESS about Jayne and Chelsea. It's a fake 'storyline' that we don't need and don't want. UNCLEAN.
Ryan is not good at tasks, is he. He's not good at being a housemate either. He's also a Diary Room bore. We've got Hughie for the DR amateur dramatics. We don't need you.
Marco: 'You've got an amazing arse, by the way' to the twin in front of Laura. What a man.
Ryan and Lateysha slut-shaming Laura, while Marco swans around as usual. Sigh. They should just create a room in the house called 'Slutshame corner' where people go to bitch about women's loose morals. That would be a well-used room in the house.
Laura admitting, 'they didn't have sex, but they did have sex.' What does that mean? Why would Marco's fiance be mad, HE HAD A HALL PASS, haha. Hall pass, my arse.
Not really buying Laura's 'poor me' act. She knew what she was getting into! Marco is ignoring her now. You can't dump someone four days into Big Brother. Well, I suppose you can.
Marco's dad is 'amazing but a bit of a cunt sometimes'.I'm sure he'll be pleased to hear that. *cuts up Marco's credit card*
What is going on with Evelyn? She is getting the Hira edit. She must have done one interesting thing.
Laura basically bragging about shagging Marco now. Sam: 'It was just a turtle head and then out.' To quote Lionel Blair, 'WERE YOU THERE?' Oh now Evelyn speaks up to ask if Marco's penis is worth the bother. Distinctly average, by the sounds of it. I'm tired of hearing girth talk on Big Brother. I can safely say I've never asked a friend about length of their partner's penis, let alone girth. TMI! STOP THAT.
Sam and Charlie are the roughest looking Big Brother housemates of all time. They both look in their forties.GRIM.
Another crappy task. Tasks have been rotten this year. Twists, worse. Jayne says Chelsea can't say he's attracted to anyone cos he's 'got a missus.' The old Darren Day defence! You can still FANCY PEOPLE.
Andy is saying Marco is overbearing. Andy is underbearing.
This bit from last night makes a bit more sense now, in the context that it was part of a longer game they were playing. The edit (technical difficulties my arse) was dreadful.
Chelsea is telling Jackson that Georgina misses him, aw. I want to see those two back together!
Charlie is so keen to say she's Jason's ex! I love the way Chelsea talks. He's like Del Boy.
I hate Jayne. What is the deal with her and Chelsea?! I know Chelsea is a good housemate and she is not. That's all I care about. Oh, OK, Jayne says Chelsea was trying to get with her when he's got a boyfriend. Interesting!
Jayne: 'He's not my type.' We know she's white people only. Natalie is boring the hell out of me, too.I don't see the point in her.
Jayne: 'We snogged.' Haha. I still use 'snogged'. Great word. This storyline is SO BORING.
Jayne: 'I've always been second best. I'm not here because of me. I'm here because of Chelsea.' Well you're not there for your sparkling personality, that's for sure.
Chelsea: 'Me and Marco were running the house over there.' In what way? Rulebooking? Cooking? How do you run the BB house? Oh I know, the impromptu trip to Miami. That really showed 'em.
I quite liked Natalie calling Chelsea out. 'You tried to pull her.' Ha.
Chelsea in the DR moaning he wants to go home then talking about the size of his bollocks. Make your mind up.
Big Brother: 'If you can handle it, why are you asking to leave?'
Chelsea: 'I want a bottle of wine.'
I like this stern Scottish Big Brother: 'Are you saying now you're going to leave if you don't get wine? We don't have any.'
Chelsea: 'OK, I'll go to bed.' HAHAHA.
Seriously though, when will this 'others' crap end? They are nomming now and we all know Marco and Laura will be up, and Laura will go. But I don't want either to go. I just want the others twist to end and then to start watching Andrew's new reality show in the rented mansion.

Big Brother UK 2016: Horror corrid-Borehamwood

Who could resist this face? LOL!

Well, at least my friend Dawn will get that title.
Fridge raiders: Big Brother edition. I think there should be more paranormal type tasks on Big Brother: Bunky behind the windows and all that (deep cut reference, so deep I have probably got the wrong person). Marco's laugh is becoming a housemate of it's own. I think I'm starting to like Marco? Like, not like him, but appreciate him as a human specimen of what too much money can do to a tiny mind, you know.
Lateysha telling Laura not to fuck Marco. It's too late! Marco has a chain of fiancées lines up by the sounds of it. He's only been with his current girl for two months! 'He's going to get girls flooding towards him' said someone insane. Only crackheads.
Laura and Marco have agreed to be just friends. HAHAHA. They'll be rutting again by the end of the episode. And 'rutting' is the right word for those pair.
I love Georgina vs the drippy twin, whining about tuna juice. You should be more worried about the fluids leaking out from Marco and Laura's gross orifices.
Ryan is pretending he doesn't know what optimistic means. Hughie thinks he has malaria. Sarah Harding Sr mentioned Cheryl Cole but luckily Andrew had been photoshopped out of the scene.
Lateysha: 'Some girls have too much slag in them, no not slag, inner whore.' I thought when she said 'not slag' she was going to say something nice! Haha. I admit I laughed, though. At least she clarified that it was unfair that Marco wouldn't get the shit for it, and Laura would, even though she herself is perpetuating that ideology by calling Laura the slag and not Marco. Lateysha continues: 'Georgina is a moany bitch.' I like Lateysha. I can't help it. She's actually one of the quieter ones, but she seems down to earth.
I can't follow this task, kind of because I can't be bothered. So Ryan has to do something or other - is it fail the task again? We know he can't. Have they removed Andrew from the edit entirely?
Oh god, not more guts and gore. I can't cope. I HATE ALEX. So bland. Bring back Andrew. WE MUST SEE HIS MASTERPLAN UNFOLD. Even though he wasn't smart enough to delete a couple of tweets. I've still not seen his BDSM video. I'm quite surprised he's a boxer or whatever the fuck he is. He looks like a little dweeb. But man, what a housemate.
This task is quite boring. I'm not scared.
OMG my friend just sent me the Andrew video. So here's why Andrew got kicked out. Really, Big Brother? The girl is laughing! Marco carries on worse than that in the house. The girl has come forward and said she's friends with him. He's spanking her. It's not like he's got her chained to the bed. And even if he did, if it was consensual, what the fuck has it got to do with you? I'm just surprised women sleep with Andrew, tbh. He looks like a shark.
So after ghosting Andrew the entire episode, they announce he's gotta leave. Why is BB such a prude? It's like Aaron Frew all over again, a storm in a teacup. But did Marco or Laura even get a warning for throttlegate? That is genuinely dangerous. Just ask Michael Hutchence.
Laura regrets what she's done in the house (but not with Marco- what then?) Andy: 'You have it within your power to stop it.' Andy is such a wet flannel.
Hughie is on lighter patrol but Jackson doesn't want him 'feeling up his balls, G.' Doesn't mind Sam feeling them, though. At least they made up quick. I think I might be starting to weirdly like human firework Hughie, too. He's just permanently aggrieved. Jackson came across a bit of a dick, there.
Andy: 'What have you done so far? Kissed and cuddled?' Laura: 'Just a bit of dry humping.' Nothing dry about that humping, bro. Marco not speaking to her anymore now she won't strangle him. Lol, Marco is the alpha male. You've got a problem, then. I'd put Georgina above him for that spot.
OMG everyone suddenly hates Marco. His singing is not going down well. Andy looks horrified. Marco is actually brilliant. I've decided now and there's no going back. What a housemate. He's got second or third boot (after a black woman, of course) written all over him.
Haha, this shitstir task. Andy labelled 'the worst at sex and the most boring.' 100% true because of the way he reacted to it. Everyone is defending Andy on Twitter 'oh he's a nice guy.' BORING. I don't want nice guys in BB, I want 18 Marcos and Andrews. I like Georgina getting pissy with Marco. I wouldn't cross her. I don't see how Georgina is two faced. She has a go at everyone, haha.
Charlie fancies Alex. She looks old enough to be his mum.
Marco wants to be 'free as a bird'. The twin is 30 'but looks 17/18.' according to Marco. Marco is like the Cheshire Cat. Picking his new target, haha.
Andy: You ARE boring.I've heard all this shit from creepy Chris last year. 'A varied and colourful sex life.' OMG gross. Spare me. He's been in A LIFT WITH LADY GAGA. AND BEEN TO SHOPS. I love how much he hates Marco. It makes me love Marco. 'I know I'm not boring.' Imagine having to say such a thing. Haha, you're deffo boring as shit if those words ever come out of your mouth. Who do you want in that house, Andy or Marco? Obviously Marco! And Andrew. But that ship has sailed.
OK, I'm onto the live episode now. Why is this a separate episode? I was worried my Sky Box wouldn't tape it, as that's the usual bullshit.
I don't know what's going on. The others have just chosen who's the 'biggest horror.' Why are they calling Chelsea 'the biggest horror'? Jackson just said 'wagwon'. I love thumbs aloft Chelsea. Boo! Hughie: 'Jane's description of him was horrible. I don't know what I'm talking about.' That much is true. 'We don't like his haircut.' Another good reason. Then mentioned 'throwing under the bus.' True gamer. Hughie FTW. I've gone full circle on Hughie. I think he's brilliant.
Haha at them pretending to be shocked about 'the others'. Hilarity. Hardly 'I knew it, I knew it' is it. Someone goes, 'I knew we were getting another one.' Easy come, easy go, hey?
I love Chelsea's mod Jarvis Cocker look. His haircut is looking on point. My friend Dawn said, 'Spock vs Liam Gallagher' which is certainly something to ask your hairdresser for. I also like Big Brother saying 'dethision' instead of 'decision.' I like Chelsea's matter of fact style of dealing with BB. 'Now what?'
They won't get rid of Chelsea. They've lost two housemates already. Oh, he's gonna be an other. BORING. 'Can I ask you something? Is Alex and... oh actually, you won't answer.' Ha.
'I KNEW IT.' Hahaha. Marco fucking knew it cos he bust out, en route to Miami, and saw Alex through the window FFS!
Jason: 'Unlike the public, who get an hour a night, the others watch 24/7.' Good point! He's a live feeder, haha.
Er, there's gremlins in Big Brother's system so we missed Chelsea going into the house! Are adverts the new bird feed? What the fuck is going on? Haha, what a fucking mess. This series of Big Brother is a JOKE! The others are like the fucking Raggy Dolls.
Marco called to the DR! Get to stepping, you prick. Haha, just joking, I love Marco. He's lush.
Marco: 'I miss Chelsea.' He only left two minutes ago. Haha. 'I'm upset.'
Marco is worn out 'physically and mentally' from the game. He'll miss cracking jokes with 'cool cat' Chelsea at night. Big Brother is doing some mind games on Marco. Bit unfair as he's unhinged anyway.
Restaurant talk! Zebra crossing. 'Tune into BBBOTS for the fallout.' What fallout? I feel like something was meant to happen but didn't.
Seriously, what was the twist? That show was called 'Live twist revealed'. Also on the blurb it says 'Emma reveals what Big Brother is really up to.' Where was Emma? The episode started with silence and ended with bird feed. In between someone just went to the other house, then someone was called to the DR. GOOD TV! Fucking hell. Bring back Andrew!
Please, can another channel just buy Big Brother and sort this fucking mess out? It's beyond a joke.

Big Brother UK 2016: You don't have to stick your finger in every situation

Spoiler alert! Andrew has been ejected for his gross tweets. Gross tweets aside, it's a shame as he was one of the only compelling housemates in there. Also, can't BB check people's tweets before they go in? Can we get a Tila Tequila? I know they've given up on social media but really. Just search *housemates name* then *racist/homophobic slur*. It's not that hard. Twitter seems to do it within about five minutes after launch. Cheryl Cole ruins another programme! (victim blame). I do feel a bit deflated after this news, though. Put Andrew in BB18, they don't mind a racist. He was doing something genuinely interesting in there, like a next level Marc O Neil. Now who's the mastermind without Andrew? Hughie? Twin X?
I can't cope with too much more of the Marco and Laura show, can you? The tit chewing, the gurning, it's like you were trying to click on handjob on Pornhub and you've clicked on 'hardcore gangbang' by mistake.
Big Brother is checking Laura is OK. Force feed her a morning after pill FFS. We can't have her and that reproducing, we've already got the 'give your head a wobble' tattooed baby to contend with (if it exists, although I didn't believe Jade had cancer either and I got that one wrong). Marco's is nature's greatest mingebag. He needs a Channel 5 documentary of his own, like the tree man, or the boy who's skin fell off. Him and Laura are a match made in magazine-deal-dom.
I like seeing Andrew trying to strategise with Ryan. It's like Professor Brian Cox trying to reason with Megan McKenna.
Andy: 'There's been a cigarette squirrel.' He doesn't want to make a big deal of it but... weeeeellll. I fucking hate Andy. At least creepy Chris had some semblance of charm. Although he was obsessed with smoking, too.
Charades. How low we've stooped. Alex's arse don't impress me much. Mr Boring. BLAND! Give me my rat boy Jackson instead.
Victoria: 'What do you want us to do, sit around and moan?' Why not? 'There's a low vibrancy frequency' whatever that means. It's all Wolfy bullshit, isn't it, all karma and spirituality and that rot. 
Marco looks like he's permanently in fancy dress. I love the fact Georgina hates him. 'Laura's just going to go and suck his willy. It's like he shits glitter and gold to Emma. We need a dart tranquilliser for him.' That much is true. But he's so coked up, would it even work? A drone might do it.
Ryan is getting a 'BUT THE REAL TASK IS.' But he's so stupid he probably doesn't understand it.
GUNK. Scarecrows. Who the fuck is this dude giving out the punishments,some little ork. OUTSIDE CONTACT.
Ryan looks like he's gonna do a Mark Byron style vom. He's also fucking up the task by not making anyone quit. Haha they are just piling everything on Ryan now. LOL.
I'm not sure about the glasses on Alex. I'm calling eek.
Laura is being game about being covered in slop; can't be worse than being covered in Marco's saliva and pre-cum. Blergh.
Alex rubbing his crotch in Charlie's face cheered her up. That fake tan is really ageing, isn't it?
Hughie is eating an orange in a weird manner. At least it's not an apple. Jackson is being pissy about Ryan failing a task. I'll cheer you up, Jackson.
Jayne has got one up on Chelsea by being in the other house. How does that work exactly? You're in a boiler suit with Hughie and Natalie. Chelsea is bragging about wads of cash, wearing his designer charity shop chic, in close proximity to a zebra.
Laura: 'Part of me thinks my relationship with him has put me in a bad light, but it does take two to tango.' Two to tango klaxon. Alert Emma and Daley. 'Part of her'. Hahahaha. Which part?
I like Georgina vs the twin. I love Georgina slagging off the energy bullshit. It IS bullshit. Twin doesn't like people moaning? Fuck you. Georgina doesn't want to be 'aggy'. Victoria doesn't like Emma 'talking about someone behind their back on national TV.' I'm not sure that's even possible. If you're on TV, it's not behind someone's back. Twin don't like the energy now. What energy does she like? What is a twin without her other twin? Just a tw.
Watching housemates dance 'at a party' is one of my greatest joys in life. Marco is like, 'where are the rails of cocaine?'
I don't think the only reason Jason is in there is cos of Sarah Harding Jr. Although admittedly, I can't think of another reason.
TRUTH OR DARE. Now we're talking. Naked Marco? You can do better than that, BB.
Ryan: 'I don't know why I can't just be a normal housemate, I'm obviously sound.' Er.
I will miss Andrew's face looking disgusted with Marco and Laura. Laura shouldn't get the flak for it.
I can't even comment on Ryan's faux DR rants. He is so fake ass.
Jayne seems somewhat unhinged don't you think. I know there's some underlying issue there, I'm just trying to work out what.
Alex is giving everyone a kiss including Jackson. Fair play. Lucky Natalie is getting a kiss off Jackson too, even though he's her son's age. I wouldn't say no!
Threesome chat in the boudoir. £50 for a ticket to go swinging. Can I take a look at the goods first? I don't want it to be like that dogging programme I saw on Channel 4 once.
Andrew: 'My unmatched perspicacity matched with my sheer undefeatibility (not a word according to my spell check) makes me a feared opponent in any realm of human endeavour.' He needs time. I don't think that's something he's got, although he does know words of more than one syllable, even if some are made up. 'Ryan is not loyal to the cause. Ryan is not prepared for war. He is of no use to me or the others.' Ryan is a (to use his word) goon. Even Andrew's body language in the DR is majestic. He's like a perfect housemate. No wonder he had to go. Just like Jeremy, the swimsuit botherer. He was my perfect housemate until the sexual assault.
They are mad for bandanas in BBUK and wearing them knot side forward, which is not approved of in America (although Canada doesn't mind). Charlie wants to rekindle things with sausage fingers Jason. Why? No one knows. She said she treated him like shit and told him to get botox!
Marco has dared Evelyn to take her top off. She seems obliging. Who is Evelyn? What motivates her? I don't think I've ever heard her speak.
Andrew will allow the Andrew/ Laura snog (lol). He really is Drexel. At least Andrew got a bit of action before he left.
Sam had an eightsome! Is that even a thing? Is that with an octopus? Seven power troopers? Power rangers? Power trippers more like. 
Marco's laugh is really getting quite grating. I mean, even more grating than mine.
Andrew sizing up Marco in the garden was beautiful. Marco: 'One person's craziness is another person's reality.'One spoilt little rich cunt is another person's meal ticket.
Evelyn and Laura's boob-off is actually tragic. Singing Titanic, too! I am ashamed to be female.
Jackson wants to screw the others to 'get back home'. It's not your home. You can't steal any milk. BB still hasn't worked out what the rules are. But they have decided to kick out the best housemate. Nice one, geezer.

Big Brother UK 2016: Auto-erotic as-prick-yxiation

My face while watching tonight's show.

'The undercover mission goes on undetected'. Er... OK then! What about when Marco blew it last night? Have I got amnesia? I know I was drunk, but I definitely recall Marco saying 'I saw Alex through the window.' I mean, I'm glad they showed us it, but don't do that and then start the show by pissing on my leg and telling me it's raining (thank you, Judge Judy).
I haven't blogged the past two nights cos we've podded the ever hotter mess of this show of doom. Last night's show was a glorious spectacle, from Chelsea's inexplicable height rise and thumbs going, to snake gate, to Ryan's meltdown. It was like a really good Corrie episode, when there's no shit storylines.
Emma the twin has 'hectic goosebumps.' Her sister Victoria has gone off to Glastonbury or some shit to hug a tree. I did admire Victoria's stance on meat eating 'opening the fridge to a murdered corpse.' Morrissey says yes. I wonder what BB thinks of Victoria being there alone? Is she a strong enough individual housemate? Does she eat meat? I guess we'll find out.
Sam's neck acne is making me barf.
'Despite the discovery of the other house, the housemates are unaware that Andrew and Ryan are undercover to take them down.' What? I have lost the map, let alone the rule book. HOW exactly are they taking them down?
Andrew: 'It's a game and it needs to be treated like a game. I'm a positive guy.' Mate, you make Darth Vader look like good father material. I think he needs to look up what 'philanthropist' means in the dictionary. I love him though, one of the best Big Brother villains in recent years.
Andy is in the DR having a boo hoo, this is pure creepy Chris except creepy Chris could be amusing. He is tired of being seen as nice, yet he's annoyed the others are upset that two nice guys have gone and does that mean he isn't seen as nice?' Make your mind up, bro.
Andy doesn't want to talk about 'drugs, tripping and fucking girls.' GET OUT. Slagging off Lateysha for not mentioning her daughter! That's a bit below the belt. The BAD MOTHER CARD. The LAST thing I want to hear about is someone's kids. Boring. What does HE want to talk about? WEAK PLAYER. Pious, boring. Pack your bags.
Marco got bullied at school because he was rich and he can't even make an omelette. I hope his dad is hanging his head in shame. Admittedly I can't make an omelette, but my dad isn't an award winning chef. Plus I don't like eggs.
Ryan is crying. Marco: 'You're part of the family, man!' Unlucky.
They are showing the others what went on after the eviction! The original others are laughing! Jane has stomped off while watching the highlights and is missing Chelsea's thumbs aloft and Marco's three minute jaunt to Miami.
Jane seems to have a real problem with Natalie, I wonder what it could be? Trouble riser! Natalie: 'Take him away, talk to the hand.' She is SUPER annoying. The others are AWFUL HUMANS.
Jackson: 'Ryan and Andrew are pricks.' 'They're not pricks.' Jackson: 'Well, acting like pricks.' I don't understand the other house anymore. Can't we just bulldoze it?
Andrew: *gleefully* 'I'm going to be the most hated man in the world.' Ha. He's being sent back into the other house to discuss who to nominate.
Andrew going back in there and barely getting a hug, poor sod. Then going 'I took a bullet, acting like a cunt.' Hahahaha. Brilliant.
Jackson is getting more gangster and Andrew looks weary. 'You're a pussyhole, you're going to get mashed up.' You can't upset Andrew, he doesn't feel emotion, he's like the Terminator.
I love Andrew's matter of fact way of talking in the diary room. He's a dispassionate baddass.
Andrew: 'Ryan is no use to me. I'm not even going to tell Ryan about the task.' I'm literally crying.
Marco's got make up on and is acting the goat. 'Show some respect.' Fuck off, you turd. And don't call me sweetheart. You can tell Georgina hates him. I think I might like her, you know. I know she's missing my man Jackson.
Georgina: 'Marco has the attention span of a spoon.' A spoon is smarter. I liked her calling the Tasmanian devil.
Meanwhile in the pod, Laura is strangling Marco with a belt. Does Big Brother step in? Nope, they let her carry on. Fair dos. Now we know why he always looks like his eyes are popping out of his head. That and his massive coke habit. If they're doing this sort of shit on day four or five, what the fuck are they going to be doing in two weeks? Being evicted, probably.
In the garden Marco is gnawing on Laura's boobs. Is that included in the hall pass? I want someone to see and kick off. These people are fucking animals. Honestly, I have never seen anything like it. What is up with her? Doesn't she realise she's going to be the one demonised, not that that little shit?
Why is Hughie always shouting at someone! What is he even shouting about? I actually feel sorry for Jackson and Alex stuck with these feral others. I hate Hughie. Get him out. Aw, it was cute when the others cheered over the wall.
Natalie: 'Diary room, bitch.' LOL.
I have no idea what is going on in this show anymore. No one has any redeeming features. There's no context for either the sex or the arguments. It's like Big Brother on speed.
Ryan: 'I can't say if there's another house.' Hahahaha. Even these thickos aint that dumb.
Hughie is doing a 'Megan' in the DR but I can't understand what he's saying. 'I will train others how to argue.' WHAT? 'I will take 17 people down.' Eh? Just fuck off, mate.
Then he goes, 'This is the calm before the storm.' If this is the calm before the storm, the storm is going to be some Biblical shit. Grab a life vest!
Car bragging. Chelsea: 'I looked like a cunt with blonde hair, and I look like a cunt with black hair.' Weeeeeellll.
Laura and Marco are just exhibitionists and scum.  Just awful. Marco: 'You're shaven and you can definitely sit on my face tonight.' HOW ROMANTIC. He has his hands down her pants IN THE GARDEN. Go under the covers FFS. 'I just want to spank you and show you who's boss.' Then she goes 'we're just really good mates.' What planet is she on?
Marco: 'I want to fuck you in every room in this house. Like I don't even know you, just fuck you. I want to call you a cunt. Be the first people to do it in the diary room. It would be sick.' Sacrilege!  That did make me laugh, though. I hope they do it in a really sick way. Marco is literally feral. 'Fuck buddies. Done.' Hahaha! He is such a CREEPER. Now they're getting it on in bed and everyone's watching. This makes Steven Goode and Kimberley's antics look demure.
WHAT AM I WATCHING???? Answers on a postcard to Marco Pierre White (boy day).

Big Brother UK 2016: Pussy come, pussy go

Eek or creep? Creekp.

What is it, the others special today? Andrew wants to get 'in the big house'. Isn't the big house traditionally prison (thanks, Jim McDonald).
Ryan: 'I've come in here to be one of the main characters but I'm living in a shed at the side of Big Brother.' Weeeellll. I think Ryan thinks he's diary room gold when actually he's diary room astro-turf vomit. Pauline has whipped a politician. I find her so fucking boring I can't even be bothered to Google who.
Sad to hear Lateysha describe herself as a wart(hog). She's lovely. Is Georgina calling herself fat too (piglet?) Tragic.
I thought Jackson wasn't going to crack onto girls *proceeds to crack onto Laura*. But is still cuddling Sam. He goes on about 'pussy' (which should be pronounced pusssssseeeeeehhhh) all the time, yet claims he's 'anti man.' I can't work him out. Any clues? I don't think he's actually seen a pussy. It doesn't go on a pedestal. It's not like the inside of an apple. I think he's a cock man.
The others are watching the housemates. They hate everyone (except Andy - yawn). The others: 'We're much better than that.' You're not. You're MUCH worse, and that's saying something.
Was Sam not suspicious when Big Brother asked him in detail about his ex Ryan? I mean come on, even that thick twat must have smelt a rat.
Oooh, Jane knows Chelsea but won't say how. He blows ten grand in one night. Amateur. See how she kept quiet about knowing him! OMG gamer. Nice one. See the way she behaved compared to Ryan? Very, very interesting. She has gone up in my estimation greatly.
Hughie: 'I'm going to destroy Lateysha' for no reason.
Ryan didn't react too well to seeing Sam, did he, lol. 'I'm foaming at the mouth.' Shame it's not because you've just swallowed a pint full of arsenic.
Is Ryan allowed to say 'I'll set about' someone? I really want to punch this guy. I want to actually kill him.
Jane is confessing she knows Chelsea but they fell out. I wonder what they fell out about? I like the fact they have these older people in here, even though they're a bit peculiar. Or maybe because they are.
Alien talk. No one can top Tila Tequila for this shit. Believing in aliens is like saying you watch TV or breathe. Everyone believes in aliens. Even my mum.
Hughie may be the thickest person who has EVER been on Big Brother. Like EVER. He's completely gormless. Has anyone checked he's breathing?
Oh no, the others don't want to target their exes cos they want to confront them. I want their exes out. And them. Pretty much everyone, really.
WTF is the 'Tree of Sins'? The Tree of Temptation will be fuming. Although he's probably on landfill somewhere since they turned him into the 'chest of complaints' or whatever the fuck it was. Oh it's a shitstir task. I can't follow what's going on cos there's too many people in the house, what with the people watching (the others, there aren't any viewers watching, let's face it) and everything. There's just people and a task and I can't make head nor tail of it. What were the answers in the end, even? I'm lost.
They all hate Evelyn because she's beautiful. Who did Hughie call slaggy? I'd rather be slaggy than be a human flytrap.
I like seeing Ryan getting so upset, but he has a point about Sam looking old. Ryan is so, so horrible. I think he might be the worst person ever invented.
The twins 'believe they're aliens from out of space.' Yeah, course they do. 'Former alien.' Former housemate would be preferable.
Who is the guy hosting this comp? I don't even recognise him. It's jean rips, isn't it? Jackson has slept with 300 'people'. So there's hope for us all. That's reassuring.
I don't buy for a second all these people 'conveniently' talking about their exes. Also, it's quite boring. I'd rather just see people get to know each other naturally. I know it's too much to ask. Normal conversations. People making tea, messing around. Instead we get all this bullshit.
Charlie is upset that Jason has stolen her 'limelight.' He looks like a sausage and she looks like Sarah Harding down the crackhouse. I don't care about their relationship/non relationship. Charlie is 31? And she uses botox? Not a good advert for it. Crap people, crap characters, waste of airtime.
Laura must be fucking desperate to be Marco's 'hall pass'. He's ENGAGED. Don't get me wrong, he's the fucking pig. But she is TRAGIC. He is a pervert.
Laura: 'I'd definitely fuck Marco. No, I'd want him to fuck me really hard.' You are grim city. Hold on, I think I said a similar thing about Marco on Twitter on launch night, bhahahaha. Weeeeellll. It's still grim as fuck, though. It's about as far from Helen and Paul as it's possible to get.
Who does Hugie look more like Elvis or Elton John? Elvton John.
The others are putting Alex up for eviction because 'he seems nice and he won't go.' Haha. OK then. This was Andrew's doing! Poor Alex. Oh hold on, I thought Alex was the gay journalist.  Oh that's Andy. Too many people! I like Andrew's style. Too many 'A' names, though.
Alex then PUT Andy up, so that confused me further. What sort of idiot on the block puts a gay guy up and not a pretty girl? Stoooooooopid.
Also, on what basis did Alex think he was nominated? Pot luck? Lucky dip? This doesn't add up. I still don't get why the others wouldn't nominate the people they HATE! Are they dumb? Oh.
Ryan is ALWAYS MOANING. He's SUCH a ratbag. I know we're meant to hate him but it's really working, I really FUCKING HATE HIM. I need a new word for hate.
Can the main housemates see the spaces on the wall for the others? What is going on? Does anyone know?
Andy is concerned that Marco is invading Laura's vagina (he hand motioned to that area). I don't think she minds. I think Andy is the one who feels uncomfortable. Laura 'hasn't led him on' and would fuck him if she has a few drinks so who's actually bothered? She's 'trying to be polite'. Sad, isn't it? Andy's moral crusade is falling a little flat, save that fake-ass shit for the end game. Let the muggy fools fuck themselves out of the game. Then Andy declared himself a snake when he hugged Marco. Andy is so creepy Chris, it's almost too much. The moralising, the pseudo-intellectualism, the fact he's probably actually be a mate of mine.
Laura didn't really go to the DR to complain about Marco. She said she was still thinking about fucking him.
Man talk in the pod with Marco, Jason and Chelsea (what a stud crowd). Marco is annoyed Laura won't fuck him after two days, even though he has a fiance.
Marco: 'My hands have been everywhere. This is some teasing bullshit. I'm not here to play games.'
Jason: 'We're 24 hours in.'
Marco: 'Then why is she letting my hands wander?' She's being polite, apparently. And that say men and women are equal. Ha. To illustrate the point:
Marco: 'Pussy come, pussy go, it's all the same.' Jason: 'What you've got to remember is pussy is permanantly here at the moment.' Charmed, I'm sure. Is this better or worse than Ash and Marlon's 'slutbucket' files? I think it's worse because Chelsea and Jason are grown men. Marco is a fucking spoilt little kid.
Anyway, how long before Marco goes the full Daley? I give it three days tops. At least he got a warning, I suppose. I can see him doing a Jeremy and trying to check Laura's swimsuit out uninvited. His dad must be proud. All these successful people who work their arses off, get loads of money, and they just produce these children who don't know their arse from their elbow. Instagrammed, vacant, devoid of emotion, coked-up, dull, horny dumbass donkeys. Thick fuckwits. I think I'd rather be poor or sterilised if that's the next generation. And it is.
Anyway, all this is pointless, as no one is getting evicted anyway. Where's the reset button when you need it? Oh, and the vodka.
Podcast tomorrow. I think we've got enough material, right?

Big Brother UK 2016: Neighbourhood crotch(ety)

Back again? Well, we know as a BBUK fan you're a glutton for punishment, so I'm not surprised to see you here. I was laughing today at people begging the BBUK Twitter account for tweet updates from the house. Not live feed, TWEET UPDATES. They can't even be bothered to do that now. For fuck's sake, even your average charity tweets several times a day. This is meant to be a real-time show. Do you remember the red button? The split screen where we could choose from four cameras? I know, I'm old. But they still have this shit in America and Canada and the fanbase speaks for itself. BBUK was trending last night on Twit (launch night), but I didn't even see it on there tonight. They've dropped the ball so badly, yet they're too stubborn to even admit it, so they just keep digging and digging. This COULD be the last BBUK we see. I would not be surprised.
Anyway, enough moans. So what's on the agenda tonight? It will all be above board, good clean fun, just letting people get to know each other naturally, I'm sure. Ha.
I can't believe they're revealing the twist already tonight! What's the point of having a secret house for one day? Seems like a lot of fuss about nothing. Oh, OK, it wasn't quite revealing it, just showing the others VTs of the housemates.
Ok, so we're getting to meet the others in more detail now. Andrew (Pob) is a chess champion and a cunt. Hughie is a bisexual Irish traveller with really bad woollen black hair. Thick as shit. Jane (blonde, older) catches cheating spouses. Natalie (black, older) is a dominatrix. Ryan is a self-hating gay man. Charlie looks like the other old blonde one, and not even that much younger. She's a lapdancer. I'm glad we got to find out more about them. Ryan is obviously the most punchable. What an arse. 'Might as well go home now.' See ya, then. he's like Maaaaark (think eyebrows) without the charm and Maaaaaark had ZERO charm. Judging by his posts that someone has dug up on Twitter he's also a complete sexist. He's just the housemate equivalent of the BB producers trolling US! I see you, Big Brother.
Is Sam of the alleged great hair really 23? He has had a HAAAAAAAARDDDD paper round. There are crows in Blackpool sans claws.
The 'others house' (great name) looks cheap as fuck. The war room is even cheapo, those little wooden mannequins are like a fiver in The Works. And the name tags! I've had better name tags on a training course in Ewell.
Andy is giving advise to Lateysha that she doesn't look like she wants. Mixer! I think I don't like Laura already. She seems like an attention seeker. On bbuk, I know, you'd hardly believe it. Shocking.
Marco has a hall pass from his fiance for Big Brother (so he can shag someone else). I love it. What lucky lady will take him up on this offer? It's not really that enticing, is it? He literally has pre-emptive Big Brother brain. I suppose it's better to do that that fuck about once you get in there like people normally do. I hope his girlfriend has a hall pass, too!
Lateysha, we can see your knicks in the DR chair. Her body is good! I like her so far.
The others are watching the VTs of the main housemates. Andrew seems like a real fun guy, doesn't he? I like the fact he called the twins 'targets'. He's a gameplanner, alright!
Jason (Terry Tibbs) is Charlie's (Sarah Harding's) ex. He called her 'broken'. That's a bit mean. Seems like they only just broke up so that's a bit cruel putting them in together. And she still loves him! Not cool, Big Brother. Not cool.
I love Andrew saying 'let's get revenge'! I think he's gonna be good TV. He's always looking for an angle.
Marco: 'Do you like being choked?' What a chat up line. Evelyn: 'I don't like too much slapping.' Dear God. First night small talk has changed, hasn't it? Makes you pine for Steven Goode and his 190 countries.
Hmm, Jackson is stroking Sam's hair. Guys are so hetro-flexible these days, I can't keep track!
Why is Natalie rounding on Andrew for giving a dirty look? I bet he totally was. He thinks he's above all these people. Because... he is? Natalie is going to get on my last nerve, I can tell.
Hughie is storylining. Shame he's so boring. Hughie and Ryan bitching is NOT good TV. 2D characters. Next.
Georgina thinks Evelyn is 'devious' ie. better looking than her. Sigh. The girl on girl hate is as inevitable as the black girl first boot. It's a tale as old as time.
Ugh, Ryan is vomming on the astro turf. What was he even drinking?
Jackson's face makes me happy. I can't work out if he's bi or just trying to 'mantub' Sam, but hey ho, it's all fun to watch.
The others bedroom is horrible, green is not a good colour for decor. Andrew is definitely king of the others. 'Gameplan.' Hold on, is he American?! How the fuck did I only just notice that? Ooh, hybrid accent. OK, now we're talking. We're looking at our winner here. Commence backstabbing! Throw the others under the bus! The power is up for grabs!

Big Brother UK 2016: Big Br-Others (Oh dear)

Weeeeeeeellll, hello there. It's been a while. And here we are again, ready for another summer of fun. So what do we have in store? Two houses is fine (although hardly revolutionary), but two house full of twats is just double the pain, so please, let them get the casting right this time. *Cut to end of the blog with me with my head in my hands.* Look, I'm on my own, I'm drinking, let's do this thing.
THE OTHERS. Isn't that a horror movie with Nicole Kidman? Isn't it crap? Doesn't she have sex with her son or something? Emma looks like she's borrowed her dress.
OOH, new stage. That's 'ooh', not 'ooh ooh' which no human since 1999 has cheered, bar the BBUK crowd. Appaz they have BANNED banners this year. Spoilsports. They should ban booing. Except when it's someone I hate.
Emma looks decent. Her hair looks normal for once and a nice colour, too. Not sure about the dowdy outfit, but we'll start with the hair and work downwards over the weeks.
I like the house decor. Pink and yellow is fun, just ask Mr Blobby (but not Noel Edmonds today). Bedroom looks OK, pod full of pebble cushions, good. Bath not shaped like an egg, fact fans.
18 people? Good luck remembering those names to my podcast co-host.
Diary room chair is shit hot! I like the new house and set, feels like it gives the show a kick up the arse.
First in is Marco Pierre White. What the fuck. Then he mentioned cooking! Confusing. He has people at his house who have been there four weeks after a party? That sounds like my worst fucking nightmare. Face tattoos, neck tattoos, Cruella De Ville streak, what's not to hate? He is nice looking though, I'll admit begrudgingly. Got lost on his way in, ala Busey. Straight to the fridge, gotta admire that. No booze? Bad Big Brother. I have been formed his dad is the chef Marco Pierre White. OK, this makes sense now.
Emma and Victoria (twins!) are bringing 'positive energy' (ie. Bea). They love nature and animals and UFOs. They want to play games, but not 'those' sort of games, ie. strategy. I think they're wearing like leopard print fuzzy felt or something. YOU ARE NOT SAMANDA.
Marco knows the twins! Ha. 'Oh my God, let's get on the zebra.' That's too many animal prints. Stop that.
Andy is a former BBC sports reporter who quit because Tyson Fury (great name for a homophobe) was homophobic. Creepy Chris vibes ie. someone with a brain. Good luck, mate. You'll need it. Plus, there's no saying that you can escape homophobia in there. In fact...! I'm also getting shades of Detective Dan vibes. Could this be Rylan's next husband?
Laura looks like that Atomic Kitten who shouted at Austin Armacost. Lovely hair. 'I see myself as a holy grail.' What the fuck does that mean? Not sure why she's being booed. Of course I do. FEMALE! WHORE! PITCHFORKS! Sigh.
Alex has jeans in his rips (yes, I'm pleased with that joke and it did well on Twitter). 'I go out twice a week, once for three days, once for four days.' That would work better if he'd added it up wrong. He 'respects women.' I give it a week before the 'slutbuckets' chat. He's like Danny 'canoe' Wisker and Ash 'absolutely fantastic' Harrison had an old, dumb baby. To call him thick as a plank would be an insult to planks. I think he said 'I'm shitting like a nervous dog' when he went in, but I could have misheard that and I can't afford to rewind right now. I gotta stay 'in the moment'.
Lateysha is next. Great, a name I have to double check how to spell. Welsh. Mixed race. Something about sheep. Said 'I'm gonna shit myself' and then 'I need a fucking drink' upon entering. I agree.
What's up with the crowd, man, they look depressed as shit. Oh.
Apparently some of these people are 'famous' but I have no clue who they are, so they're not famous to me (just like CBB then).
Lots of fanfare about the 'other house'. 'The others' seem even worse than these people we've seen so far. In fact, I don't mind the people we've seen so far. These others seem fucking grim. Do I hate to write their names down? I can't be fucked. They're like a crappy group that Simon puts together on the X Factor. They've even got the boiler suits. Apparently they forgot one and left her with her mask on. I missed this as I'm blogging like a twat but I love it anyway.
Ok, Andrew looks like Pob, Huey looks confused, Ryan is like Maaaaaarkkk who we all hated, so why repeat the losing formula? 'Where's the toilet, I'm going to piss myself.' Go right ahead, it worked for Charlotte Crosby. Oh god, some of the others know the actual housemates. Hmm.
Evelyn is a bit of a hottie from Australia. Asian. Bragging. Wait for the boos. A guy she would like 'would not be in the Big Brother house'. Probably true.
Sam from Blackpool. 'I have the best hair in my area.' Haha. He drinks on the 'top table'! Bhahaha. Ooh, he's gay. Ugh, he's got a beard. Also, his hair is not good. What must the other hair in Blackpool be like if his is the gold standard? Throwing shade at other gay people. Boo. What is a 'stereotypical gay' person? It's like saying a 'stereotypical blonde.' Fuck off. Said 'it's good to see a familiar face' to someone. Ugh. The feeling is not mutual.
Georgina is the token posho. 'You don't have to be posh to have horses.' True, look at Jordan. I don't want a female posho who doesn't even sound posh. I want Ben. I want Harry. Even Nick? No, not Nick.
Jason is a stunt double and a cockney wideboy. Has a shitzu. Seemed to bore even himself in his interview with Emma. 'Take care.' OK, Terry Tibbs. 'Where's the booze?' To be fair, that's what people say when they first come to my house. And then for the next 12 hours, until I kick them out.
Oh my God, two more to go. I am running out of steam now, but I have been enjoying it thus far. I think the new house helps, HD helps, except the sour crowd's ugly mugs. Not sure about the twist. Doesn't seem that much different to the glittery toilet roll of doom, which brought mad Marc 'tombstone' O Neil into the house but failed to flush out pizza botherer Danny Wisker.
Everyone on Twitter is bitching about the cast but people always bitch about the launch show (me included). I've seen a LOT worse launch nights. Steven Goode and Tamara, anyone?
Jackson in next. Grew up in a council estate where you 'had to rob milk'. I know someone who still does that, Likes a cup of tea and fag. Weeeeellll. Best so far. Very good looking and seems nice although did say he 'respects women' as well (red flag). He's putting men on blast! Saying he's the 'anti-man.' Great strategy. ABZ. Jackson Five? His motto in life is 'fuck it'. I can get behind that. Mine is 'forget about it', so not far off. Let himself down a bit by going in dressed as a Dappy tribute act. But still the best so far, by a mile. Admittedly, the standard is not high.
Chelsea is doing 'London talk' lol. Going on about money and his Bentley. He'll be 'last to bed and first up.' Well we won't know cos no live feed. Ha, had to put it out there. He's there for 'the experience.' Yawn. He's dressed like an Asian Jarvis Cocker with Lego hair. Self proclaimed 'the guv'nor.' We'll be the judge of that.
I was gonna go back and watch all the VTs to see what I'd missed, but you know what? LIFE IS TOO SHORT. You get the idea.
OK, so now to the (potentially show ruining) twist. They all have to stand behind a podium saying something or another. Timebomb flashbacks. No one really gives a shit which podium they're standing behind.
I only like ONE PERSON so they'd better not go. *cut to them going* Why is Big Brother reading out all the words? Yawn.
Cut to the others playing with dollies. They have to target someone based solely on the words they chose. They chose to target the self-proclaimed 'sexy' person! Ha. SEXIST, more like. Of course, it would be a girl.
It's dumb to target the sexy person. Target 'intelligent' or 'gameplayer', dumbos. Why am I surprised? The others have the collective IQ of Jack Tweed.
Laura is nominated, but at least she doesn't get evicted on the spot. Ha, and at least she gets to nominate as well. First night nominations are always risky, remember Anouska (probably not, and frankly, I'm shocked I do). Jackson: 'Take your time, sweetheart.' Game planner!
Laura nommed Lateysha. RACIST! Nomming the black girl the first night. You gotta laugh. Or cry.
Two women on the block, standard. Emma: 'Or are they?' Probably not. Remember that week they just flipped the noms over cos it suited them? Haha. THE RULES CAN CHANGE AT ANY TIME! EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED! And so on.
I am now 36. And I still fucking love Big Brother. The podcast will be on Friday, right here: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm