I have been blogging Celebrity Big Brother since 2007! Hardcore. That was the Jade vs Shilpa year, fact fans. I think it's safe to say Shilpa won that one, in more ways than one (RIP).
And here I am again. And here are some people dancing who aren't going into the house. I normally prefer the civilian version, but the last series (ie. two days ago) was so vile, I'm looking forward to some light relief.
First in is Bet Lynch. Argh. She's so annoying. She put me off leopard print for years. Well, her and Kat Slater. I've heard she's a right cow in real life. Ooh, she's a smoker. A new outsider is born.
Fuck me, check out that coat. Technicolour dream vom. I think she's going to be a cross between Denise Welch, Tina Malone and Natalie Cassidy. Not a good thing.
Hold on, why did Bet go through that door? Can't she do stairs? They've still got Benedict's chair in there, I see. I've gone from hating that coat to wanting it in about five seconds.
Second up is HEV. How can you kill someone with a picture frame? Especially Hev, it'd have to be a Van Gogh. I stopped watching Eastenders just before than happened. I don't like Hev. Hev's going to miss her goat herder husband going in the house. I think I'd rather he was going in. She's wearing a bejewelled tent.
They know each other! I hate that. Soap love, or smock wars, as my boyfriend said next. Who's going to be next, some cunt off Hollyoaks?
Oh so there's going to be some twist already - zzz. Clearly they haven't just watched the last season of Big Brother. I liked it when Bet said 'It's not a bum competition'. I don't think it's a 'bigger chair' issue, Hev. It's your arse that's too big.
This earpiece thing is good TV! Oh Christ. This is embarrassing. These two are thick as shit. They're also utterly unlikeable. Even Natalie Cassidy could follow basic instructions.
'You definitely probably know who I am' sats third housemate, The Situation. I only know about Jersey Shore from Beavis and Butthead. 'Is that Snooki? U-huh-huh-huh.' I can't watch that sort of TV, it's too lowbrow even for me. My best friend fancies The Situation, I have it on tape. What do people call him for short? Sit? What is the 'smush' room?
'I'm going to wing/ win it.' This has been unintentionally hilarious so far. Do you think he's going to know who Bet and Hev are? Bet and Hev are confused by 'The Situation's name.
'She's a bit weird that one.' 'Which one?' There's only one person there, FFS!
The Situation: 'what do you want me to do about it?' Is he going to knock her out?
This task is so laboured, it's making me cringe. Make it stop. I just want them to naturally get to know each other.
I always wondered what happened to Julian Clary. Now I know. My boyfriend is cackling at the 'fisting Norman Lamont.' and going 'has he still got Fanny the Wonderdog?' Showing his age there, I have no idea what he's talking about. I reckon Julian Clary could win it.
Brian Dowling does NOT know how to deal with this! 'Well, Davina...' Brilliant. He'll see through that task in an instant. Is he going to try and fuck The Situation?
Julian: 'This is a mystery... what's your function?' I've laughed more in two seconds than the whole previous series. I think The Situation might be wondering what sort of Situation he's got himself into: a very camp one. Ah, he'll be pleased to see some thick blonde arrive.
Very pretty: but will she be interesting? She looks good in that dress. Already slagging off women; great job. I didn't even know about your sex texting until you mentioned it. Who did she sex text? I'm going to have to google it. LOL it's Vernon Kay! Ergh, ergh! I bet he just switched off the TV. Or his melty-faced wife did. She seems alright. I liked Natasha Giggs last year anyway. The upside of sexting Vernon Kay? At least it wasn't Jason Manford.
I don't like the way they're refusing to call him 'The Situation'. Address him properly!
Hev is denying she is Hev. You are Hev, dead or otherwise. End of.
The Situation: 'I don't do full on sex scenes' followed by proper crab eyes.
I don't mind the housemates so far except for the first two, and at least they're both quite famous.
Harvey. Cute but a knob. I used to fancy him but he seems a but too cocky. He's obviously going to team up with The Situation. My boyfriend just said, 'At least with So Solid Crew they've still got about another 50 members to get through, so CBB's future is confirmed indefinitely.'
At last, someone knows who The Situation is! Harvey's dressed like Chris Eubank, sans monacle.
Julian Clary is going to win this motherfucker by a mile. A MILE.
Samantha Brick, FFS, this is a barrel scrape. If she's a celebrity, so am I, basically! Let's see if she really is like she wrote in that article, or if the Daily Mail stitched her up.
I just went 'the tweenies aren't going to know who she is' and my boyfriend went 'do you mean the twinks?' I'm not convinced either of us have quite got this right. She's like the Sally Bercow of this year. But who will be her Paddy?
'Bit booey, was it?' Booey isn't a word. Boo woo, however, is now in the dictionary. She only wrote a silly article, she's not a child molester.
Julian correcting people's pronunciation; win.
Prince Lorenzo, an Italian price! Speaks for the voiceless animals of the United States. Cool. Not famous, but he seems like he'll be a good character, better than say, Bobby Sable.
He's fitter than our princes. His mum is Princess Amanda? That's not a very posh name. He's got lovely manners.
I reckon Harvey is onto Hev's fob story. Zzzzzz.
I watched that Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys show. She was quite odious. I like her accent, though. If appearing in one 'documentary' makes you a celebrity, why not send in the woman who got her face ripped off by a chimp, or someone with progeria?
Three of these women are notorious, not celebrities. That's sexist.
Ashley the Olympian. Praised by God. Zzzzzz. Can't we forget about that smorgasbord of shite now, and concentrate on this one? Let's not muddle the two. The only Olympian I like is that Gene song.
Coleen Nolan: fucking hell. If we do have to have a Loose Woman, can't we have Carol McGiffin instead? Is this boring old bag going to win it, too? Where's a Hollywood movie star for her to terrorise? Someone's going to tell The Situation she's the UK equivalent of Sharon Osborne, no doubt.
Jasmine Leonard looks anorexic. Nice 'all that jazz' tattoo. That should be on 'ugliest tattoos' on I can haz cheeseburger. Another notorious one; I remember watching a show with her in and she was an absolute bitch; she's ugly through and through. Well done, you fucked Simon Cowell, join the queue. Did you get a mansion out of it? She looks really different to how she looks in the show I saw her in, her face is totally different. Horrid person.
No wonder women are encouraged to hate other women with this tawdry bunch in there; where's the female brainboxes, rather than just ones involved in 'scandal'?
Whoop: Steve Owen! He was so baddass in Eastenders. Martin Kemp is too good for this. Ashtray times! He's my new winner. I think he's going to win over Julian Clary.
Not a bad cast: a random cast, but not a bad cast. I think it's going to be interesting.
Hev and Bet have killed this task stone dead. I've never seen two people dance around a task so much. When they actually got into it, the acting was actually quite good. Violence! Chuck Bet out! LOL. Julian Clary grinning was ace. He knows! OK, I'm up for this series. I think Martin Kemp and Julian Clary will make it worth watching alone. Let's do this.