Placebo: live at Brixton Academy

Went to see Placebo at the beautiful Brixton academy last night, which was pretty much doomed from the start. First I got the wrong tickets (the circle instead of standing) and then they released a 2nd date so I could have got standing tickets, but couldn't afford them, so was grumpy anyway after that.
When we arrived the queue was massive, so we went round the corner for a drink. The queue seemed full of small goths with the occasional old person (ie. us). By the time we got back the queue had gone and we got fairly decent seats in the circle.
The night was badly marred by a fat, pathetic attention-seeking cretin who sat in front of us. Red flags were raised when she began introducing herself to everyone, before headbanging to the (dire) support act. When Placebo came on, she decided to stand up, even though everyone else was sitting down. When the bouncer told her to sit down (repeatedly), she went ‘fuck you’ and started calling her names, so I was forced to tell her to stop being a cunt. But she couldn’t be. Cunt DNA was running through her. Luckily, after about four songs, her and her cronies fucked off to make someone else’s life a misery. It’s a good thing too; I’d have happily thrown her over the edge of the circle had she stayed.
Anyway, that wasn’t Placebo’s fault. But here’s something that is. Playing virtually the same setlist that we saw LAST YEAR. Last year! That’s a long time ago. The only variations were Trigger Happy Hands (mindlessly stupid, but fun to sing along to live), Teenage Angst (seemingly remixed by Coldplay) and ‘It’s in the water, baby’- (WTF is that song actually called) which was the best song of the night, and they spend a few quid on smoke machines and glitter cannons at that point, too. The light show was good, but not as good as it was at Manchester.
I quite liked Teenage Angst version they did, though, with a loud riffy guitar over it. I do like the way the experiment with old songs and sometimes it pays off (Every Me, Every You) sometimes it doesn’t (Because I want You), Obviously knocking the end shouty part off Bitter End still hurts, too. Oh they did All Apologies too, which was quite good (married, buried, etc)
Brian didn’t seem to say much, and looked the same as always, and stood in one spot the whole night as he has on the whole tour. Stefan was wearing his silver suit, recycled from the O2 dates. I wish they could mix it up just a little.
I enjoyed Nancy Boy, Every Me, Every yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew, Meds, Bitter End and Infra-red. I didn’t enjoy sitting in a chair with no leg room and the bouncers constantly telling people to sit down- a battle they lost about 5 songs from the end.
They caned the (not new anymore!) album, too, obviously. And they even ended with Taste in Men! Zzz. It’s worse that Morrissey with First of the Gang to Die. I mean, if they’re boring us, they must be boring themselves, right?
To top it off, my boyfriend was in a foul mood and didn’t even clap one song. I’m sure the gig was great if you were down the front, but it felt like we were watching from over a hill, whilst needing an injection of antidepressants. Which is probably what being a Placebo fan should feel like.
I know one day I will see the Placebo gig I deserve. But it’s just not going to be this year. But that’s OK- my Placebo obsession has calmed for the moment anyway. I’ll consider reinstating it when they sack the ‘Trigger Happy clown’ (I preferred Peirrot).

Album review: Manic Street Preachers- Postcards from a young man

Sorry for the lack of TV blogs, squiglets, blame the TV schedulers. In better news, I have now got a new TV for the bedroom, so I plan to spend my winter indoors, watching TV. It might be American TV, but it will be TV nonetheless. I will also say that Big Brother USA 12 was the best thing on telly this year; Enzo, Lane, Rachel. What more could a planet hope to offer? Must-see TV.
Anyway, on with the Welsh wonderment! Didn't the Manics have an album out about 6 months ago? There was ONE SONG I liked on it, with a convoluted name, and it definitely wasn't that long ago.
Why can't all Manics song start with a silly quote? We did a mish mash of all the best ones the other day: 'you can buy her this one here... this one here...' 'You damn well think you're God or something!' They're all ingrained on your brain, you just have to work for them.
Oh dear, I have a feeling this is going to be a bad review. This first song reminds me of the one they did with Cerys. Was it Cerys? Or was it Kylie? Either way; fail. Oh no, was it her from the Cardigans *makes that guitar noise*? Perhaps they did all of these and they were all equally shit. It's no Revol, is it?
OK, Postcards from a Young Man is actually quite good. But I don't like it when I can tell what he's singing, though. I recently did Motorcycle Emptiness on my home karaoke and was genuinely stunned to find out what the lyrics were. 'From feudal serf to spender'? WTF? I thought he was singing 'I'm running on loneliness' in the chorus for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. That song can still move me to tears, it is steeped in history.
I do love James Dean Bradfield. Of course, I probably said this in my blog about the last album, about five minutes ago. Can't stand Nicky Wire, though, obviously. He is to hoovers what Alex James is to cheese.
My boyfriend 'commented' on my Brandon Flowers review by saying 'you just go through each song' but when I used to read the NME and read reviews it used to drive me up the wall when they'd write 15 paragraphs on what colour their wallpaper is whilst they're loading up the CD player and another three pages on the artists' history, when I just wanted to know if it sounds like Morrissey or not, and which were the decent tracks. I like the going-through-the-songs technique. It's hardly like there's a person on a planet who's going to buy a CD on the basis of my review, because there's not one person on the planet who buys CDs (except pretty Bright Eyes ones, obv).
Having said that about track-by-track, tracks four, five and six just passed me by. It's just ploddy guitar rock. Plod plod plod. Another new hoover.
The guitar is actually really rubbish and a bit wanky. Golden Platitudes in particular is worse than Golden Lights by The Smiths, and Almost Golden by Courtney Love, and those are two shit songs with Golden in the title.
I'm not going to download this, am I? Thanks Spotify! But that's OK because SOMEONE has downloaded so many Asian horror movies onto my computer that there's only 2GBs left, so frankly, James and Nicky, you're doing me a favour.
Track 8 is called 'I think I found it.' I'm not going to go there with that joke. But talking of guitarists, the guitar on this album has made the new guitarist in Hole seem like a wise choice.
I'm finding myself pining for such also-ran Manics songs as Door to the River, and Ocean Spray. And I normally skip those.
'A billion balconies facing the sun' is the most decent one since the second track. And I still don't like it. GUITAR SOLO. Are The Darkness back in town?
Oh God, I think it's getting worse. It sounds soooo 90s and not in a good way, believe me, I'm listening to 90s radio whenever I'm in the kitchen these days.
I wanted to like The Future Has Been Here 4Ever because he sounds like he's singing a bit out of tune, but then there's like a trombone and awful backing vocals. WTF this isn't James Dean! Is Nicky Wire singing this? Fucking HELL. I think I'll stop there.
Luckily for me, the Manics were never the kind of love affair like I had with Jarvis, Moz, Molko or Conor. If they had been, I'd be weeping right now.
PS: me and my nestmate had an idea the other day. Why has no one ever done a mash up of R.E.S.P.E.C.T and that Manics song that goes 'give them the respect I D.E.S.E.R.V.E'? Wouldn't that be the best mash up of all time? Think on.

Album: Brandon Flowers - Flamingo

What is the point of a solo project? Surely it's so you can do something that's the complete opposite of what you normally do. Surely this record should be Brandon Flowers does electro (The Killers cover of Four Winds by Bright Eyes was excellent and put a totally new spin on it).
But from what I've heard so far (only Crossfire) it just sounds like the Killers, but without the funny-looking ones to laugh at. I don't really get it, and I can't help feeling a bit sorry for them. But I'm fairly confident I'm going to like this. So let's see.
Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas clunks a bit as a title and meanders around looking for a tune. It reminds me of Come Back to Camden by Morrissey in that it promises a lot but leaves you a bit cold. Boulevard. Neon Lights. Sinners. This has got the Killers all over it! I do think Brandon is a bit limited lyrically, but vocally and as a frontman he more than makes up for it.
Only the Young reminds me of My List. It's got quite a nice little whistly noise in it. I like.
Hard Enough is a bit preachy lyric-wise. It has Jenny Lewis (of Rilo Kiley) on it though, which is cool. I love her voice, but she should have done a verse as well as backing vocals. This song is a bit Bruce Springsteen!
Jilted Lovers & Broken Hearts also sounds a bit... cheesy? I feel like he's missing the mark a bit. The Killers are anthemic, but this doesn't quite get there.
Oh dear, Playing with Fire is actually bad. Lyric: 'rolling river of truth, can you spare me a sip.'
Was it something I Said isn't very good either; it reminds me of a bad Bright Eyes song (ie. a country one). This middle section is not good. Now I'm thinking the funny looking ones aren't just filler! Are they the genius behind Flowers? Perhaps he needs them to tell him when he's getting a bit self-indulgent and shit!
I actually really like Crossfire, even though it's just sounds like (or perhaps because it just sounds like!) a Killers song. I really like the bit that goes 'lay your body down'- it's super catchy and moving at the same time. It's great.
On the Floor reminds me of when Moz goes 'on the floor' in It's Not Your Birthday Anymore. This feels like a song from a (bad) film. Oh, Jesus, there's the choir. This is not good at all!
Swallow It was also just nothingy.
The Clock was Tickin' is like some Boy Dylan/ bad Bright Eyes mash up. Eeks. I quite like it sometimes when singers just talk in songs (ie. Jarvis Cocker) but the country guitar makes me want to hurl (haven't we suffered enough with Conor?)
I think we're onto extra tracks now. Jacksonville at least had a bit of a groove to it, but it's still not doing it for me.
I Came Here to Get Over You is better, more Killersy. But still nowhere near as good as, say, Forget about What I Said, which is almost throwaway Killers.
Right Behind is also quite good; keyboardy with cool backing vocals; why is he putting decent tracks at the end (and maybe not even on the real album?!)
Hmm. I was expecting a lot more than that, actually. The Killers are pretty faultless as a band. I think I would have liked Brandon to go more dancey, or more introspective and stripped down, and instead, he went a bit country and cheesy. This album has more in common with Cassadaga than anything poppy.
Also, where was the flamingo? I think he went to have a lie down about halfway through. Flowers fail! Still love you, though and your ginormous gnashers.

Ultimate Big Brother: The End

I suppose I should say something important about Big Brother. My hits double when it's on, yet my blogs are dashed out; poor quality and bad jokes. But I love it, and I love writing about it. And what will I do when it's gone? I'll have to write about feminism, film, books and music again. But of course, none of those things are as good as Big Brother. Big Brother lasted the whole of my twenties. And now it's gone. Or has it? It's funny, I was talking about Big Brother at work today and people instinctively went 'ugh'. My boss jokingly said 'you wouldn't have passed the interview if I'd known you watched that!' But then two voices spoke, saying 'who do you want to win? 'Do you remember when this happened?' And there it was, the other side, the side who get it. The funny thing is, I don't have to seek people out who like Big Brother. My best friends, my best best friends, all love it, talk about it avidly. We all grew up with it. It's part of our memories, as much as an ex boyfriend, or holiday. No, fuck that, I remember much more about Big Brother than ex boyfriends or holidays. Anyway, that's enough self indulgence.
I just watched BBLB! I'm watching the main show late as waiting for my boyfriend. The music video thing was actually good.
So, has UBB delivered? No, it's actually been quite lacklustre, but it doesn't matter, because it's about nostalgia, and that shouldn't be abrasive. It's been a walk down memory lane. Nadia fell off the path, and that's a shame. But that's the risk you take. Jade Goody showed you that much. Victor could have gone in and done something stupid, and actually he's been a joy. Nikki's mellowed, Bass has mellowed.
On last night's live feed I listened to Victor reel of a list of which Big Brother contestants he'd fuck: it was pretty much EVERYONE, including Charley and Bea (because she said she gave good head) but not Chanelle as she was 'too whiny'. Just where does the man draw the line?!
Anyway, I digress. Oh, also because I'm watching this late I was too late to vote! But I would have voted for Nikki and Victor FTW. I'd love to see them in the final two, although it will never happen.
OMG will we never hear that theme music again? That music has aged well, you know. Ooh, Davina's in red for the first time in 11 years. I think she looks rather nice.
Preston is looking exceptionally greasy today. Oh they are they still trying to squeeze out these Chantelle/Preston dregs? They're over it, we're over it. Let's move on.
I saw Ulrika saying she solely went in for the money and they gave her an offer she couldn't refuse. Which begs the question, why? They could have got Brian Belo for a Nandos voucher. Arseholes.
The eviction crowd looks ugly as fuck, I must say. So these are the booing trolls! Gross.
The funeral is quite a cute idea. I enjoyed those adverts. What will happen to Marcus now? Ofcom, LOL.
IT WAS ELEVEN YEARS, NOT TEN YEARS. (sorry, I've been wanting to say this all day)
ULRIKA OUT FIRST. Please, please, please.
Liked Nikki having a little moment on her own! LOL to James Blunt clearing the room. James Blunt makes me cry too. What a rubbish song. Tired of Chantelle crying now! She'd better not win just because she's crying. I can't stand the sympathy vote.
This behind the scenes thing was OK for five minutes, but they're overdoing it a bit. Get on with the 'victor(tions)!
GOOD! Justice has been done. Ulrika should never have been in there in the first place. A disgraceful decision by the complacent producers. Almost all the celebrities are out now, and that's the right result. Vanessa is ten times the woman Ulrika could ever be! I like what Ulrika's wearing, but that's about it.
Eww Coolio is there! Gross. They shouldn't even have him there, he's an offensive cunt. That is so galling that Coolio is there and Nadia isn't, it's actually disgusting. Bad, bad decision. He was no good the first time round, and he was abhorrent the second time round.
Hope Preston is out next, he's done NOTHING in that house. YES! This is actually going our way. Brills. Preston looks pocket sized. YES! All the celebrities are out now. Cool. His six pack looks OK, though! I do like his Morrissey hair. He's not as fit as he was though, and he's only about 27. He looks very tired.
Preston did a swear. Oops. Ooh he didn't realise that Chantelle still wuvved him. I think he did. He's not stupid. Really awful watching that Chantelle montage. Actually cruel. That's real life, not TV. I think Davina going 'she fancies you' is really quite crass. They promised to love each other forever, and fucked it. It shouldn't be for mass consumption. We didn't even get to see the chat they had today! Swizzed.
I like Naughty Nick better than Nice Nick. Aw Preston seems like a real Big Brother fan.
I reckon Nick or Nikki will go next. I'm glad it's Nick TBH. He could never have won it. He's got his Dating in the Dark jacket on again. He gets to go out the front door this time! Happy days. Here's to you Nasty Nick. Our Nasty Nick shrine used to rule. Those were the days I was still doing speed! *vomit* You are the daddy!
Nick has got a lot to thank Victor for, you know. Victor talked that guy up 24/7 in that house. Bateman!
I'm sure Nick had an interview from Davina before, though. But still nice to see him in the big chair!
Will we never again hear 'you've been plotting a very dirty plan?' Well, I've only heard it 6 billion times. I think it's cool to be called Nasty Nick anyway! So glad they're not taking calls from the scummy public tonight. LOL to Nick slagging Nadia and Davina hushing him!
I'd love Chantelle to go now, but I think it will be Nikki.
Oh no. So sad Victor went then. Him and Nick put so much effort in whilst all those cunts were sleeping. He went the extra mile! Racism! Oh well, at least he outlasted Ulrika, Nick and Preston. Would have been so lovely if he'd won.
No nominations his whole time in the house! LOL. Nick and Vic laughed NON-STOP in that snug! Respect. Vic rebuilt Nasty Nick. Truth. SHAMEFUL they covered up BBLBC. *sadface*
OMG Jade tribute! TWEED! I'm glad they did this, to be honest. They had to, really. She looked good when she went back into that house. I still think she kind of did it for her mum, and that broomstick Tweed. Not such a wise move, as it turned out.
I'll never forget Jade's disgusting rants against Shilpa. I was even blogging that year, and it seems like an eternity ago. And they TOLD HER before she left that she had done a gigantic fuck up. And they should never have done that. If you live by the sword... well, she died by it.
And that's partly why I'm surprised they covered up Coolio-gate, because they hung Jade out to dry that year, so why would they not do the same to Coolio? It leaves a very sour taste that they'd cover ANYTHING up in Big Brother, because it's the exact opposite of everything Big Brother stands for.
They shouldn't show that thing where she got told she had cancer on Big Brother India, that was totally wrong.
Wow, that was really upsetting. Eek, the night I watched Jade's wedding I had to call an an ambulance because I had such bad stomach pains. I thought I was going to die. Bad buzz. Bad memories. Very, very sad. if it could have been her, it could have been anyone you know, and that's just the reality of life. You won't win the lottery; you'll get hit by a fucking bus. Scary, but that's how it goes down.
2nd show! Pull yourself together! I'm having to skip Dermot's last supper for now as I'm two hours behind and keen to see who gets the boot especially as my phone is buzzing even though I SPECIFICALLY TOLD PEOPLE NOT TO TELL ME THE RESULT! Cunts.
Is this Paul Oakenfold remixed by Radiohead? Either way, it's a fucking din.
I want Nikki to win. She's getting a massive cheer! SHIT Chantelle went before Nikki! Sweet. So happy for Nikki. She is a classic housemate. This is ALMOST right, except for Victor's early exit.
Did Davina just look at an imaginary watch?
Preston looking uncomfortable during the interview! Very sad. People don't get married for a magazine deal, believe it or not, cynics. Uh, Coolio is SCUM. Even the mere mention of him is making me FURIOUS. Nadia was a billion times the housemate he ever was, and I could barely stand her in her year.
Shit! Is this it! Fack. Didn't want Brian to win. Wanted Nikki to get it. I like Brian, but zzz. He invested nothing of himself this year, he just trotted out a few lines and sailed through. Victor was fighting for his life every night!
Nikki's come dressed as Dot Cotton tonight. She looked better on Wednesday with her red lipstick on!
Nikki pulls the best faces in HISTORY. Fact.
Does Brian actually win anything? I hope he didn't expect to win. It just felt to me, like he did.
OMG that band is shit. Brian actually got some fireworks. I don't think they gave Josie any. I wonder how she would have done, but we'll never know.
I do like Brian, but I find him a little superficial. What's at the heart of him? I don't know, but my boyfriend is happy! He just called him a Big Brother behemoth! LOL.
Ha to Brian having a crush on Victor! They would make a great couple.
And here's to the people I liked who they erased from airbrushed from BB history: Craig Coates, Helen Adams, Science, Derek, Ziggy, Marcus, Freddie, Maxwell & Saskia. And who I didn't like, but seems to have been erased: Kate Lawler.
I like this 'Time to say goodbye' video. It's like a Killers video! I like the symmetry of Josie (the end) and Craig (the start). Josie does look like Angel for some reason. I like John James's eyeliner running. Cute.
Davina-tage! Davina is marmite. I hate her mostly, but I feel affection for her just because of the show. She's like an annoying aunt. Nasty Nick looks EXACTLY THE SAME 11 years ago!
Ok I cracked and cried! Where was Russell!? He could have done a little VT, the bugger. Ballbags.
I love those numbskulls. This blog was a long 'ting! Stick with me! I'll be watching shit TV all winter long. Let's hope BB rises from the dead. Big Brother will get back to us? Stay tuned.

Ultimate Big Brother: You're like Bruce Forsyth

Watched some live feed when I got in and Victor is DESPERATE to win. So, so desperate. But I think he deserves it over Brian! He's putting in the spadework. he's plotting and scheming and analysing; he's a bigger fan than me and that's saying something! Nick alluded to having some mystery illness in the early hours which made me laugh. How can you believe anything he says? I remember that sword!
I'm getting deja vu with this following thing; zzz.
Sad Vanessa's gone, she was talking a lot of sense on live feed last night. I liked what she said about Nikki, that no matter what she did, she couldn't help just liking her. It was really sweet. And it's true, with some people you'll forgive them anything, because they just tickle your fancy. Some people just fit you. That's the way it is.
kinda sucks to see Davina in the house; she's been intolerable for years but her shine has really worn off now. Who cares what she thinks about anything when she thinks it's OK to make transphobic jokes about Nadia on BBBM? On BBBM, I watched the last one and the only good bit was where they showed a montage of all the best fights.
Davina is just false, false, false. They even denied us hearing Davina say 'fuck' because they put the Big Brother EVE show on at 8pm! What a crock. It's the final insult.
Davina tells Chantelle to stop crying and then says something guaranteed to upset her! Dur. Letters from home! I've never seen Chantelle awake on that live feed after 12. So she doesn't deserve to win.
I don't like Brian's grey jersey scarf much. He DOES look like Eammon. I'm over him, TBH.
Preston, you've done NOTHING! You're useless. At least you had a little pop at George Galloway before.
Aw to Nikki thinking Big Brother was uncancelled!
Michelle didn't look too pleased that her fiancee had organised the wedding, did she? Bring back Chicken Stu!
Ulrika has not left a big empty void; well, not since John Leslie's career. But at least that was something to thank her for.
LOVE NIKKI. I really hope she comes out top three. I'd love to see her and Victor in the final two.
My boyfriend is moaning about Davina going 'you're my favourite' to people and saying 'what's the point?' Well none of the housemates even so much as thanked her!
I don't like seeing Nasty Nick smile, it's wrong somehow. Especially with that mystery health problem, he'll do himself an injury.
Victor to Davina: 'you're like Bruce Forsyth'. Yes, in more ways than one. Victor is hitting on Davina! He was frinking on her on the live feed too.
I think I preferred it when she went in as a hen and got cornered.
There's no 'will they, won't they' with Chantelle and Preston. It's 'won't'.
This 'sex face' discussion is being sensitively handled by Brian.
Aw to Nikki's sad BB-ending rant. I know how she feels. Eleven years! I've gone from a teenage to being 30! WTF.
Ulrika's speech to Vanessa was about as warm-hearted as a cuddle from her would be.
Nasty Nick's got his dating in the dark jacket on! LOL.
Nikki unimpressed with Vanessa eviction! I never knew you could make a wish when you see a rainbow! I'm in debt by about 1000 rainbows. Nasty Nick killed the radio star! Nikki's bitter because she didn't see the rainbow. Preston didn't know about the rainbow either.
Preston didn't look too comfortable dancing to Take That. Victor seemed to know all the words though!
Why is Victor telling Chantelle Preston is into her when he said very directly earier he wasn't? Bit late to start shit-stirring now. Perhaps he knows it's a vote to save from here on in.
Didn't like it when Preston asked Chantelle if she was going to do an interview. Course she is!
Now the end is near. We must face the final curtain. Take my hand. Get the vodka in. It's going to be a LONG night.

Ultimate Big Brother: Bass hunted, Vanessa Felled

RESPECT that title! Behold it.
Interesting to hear Vanessa talking about having children! I've never heard someone talk positively about having children before. How weird to hear Chantelle say she's 'bored of independence'. That's so far from my own feelings about life it's untrue!
Victor is getting cold showers again! It'll be the return of the sniffles before you know it!
Nick wringing his hands in the diary room! He's like an even shiftier Ian Beale.
LET THE STRAIGHTENING TYRANNY END TONIGHT! EVICT BASS. I don't want Vanessa or Nick to go. But hey, it's only two days to go.
Oh, a tedious dancing task. Zzz. Where's Ashley Banjo? Oh, wrong troupe.
Nasty Nick's got the moves! Chantelle: not prepared to make a dick of herself.
I don't like the way Michelle Bass says 'task' and 'dance' like a Southerner now. Sell out! Ulrika: cringe! Nick was the best at that task!
Wow, Chantelle is an emotional cabbage! She cries more than me.
I like the expression 'cakewalk'. Don't tell Chantelle to turn her mic off!
I feel a bit short-changed by the length of UBB. Given another month in there and we could have seen Preston actually go for it out of desperation and Victor snap and Nikki go mental. Instead it feels like it's going to stop halfway through.
Nasty Nick had his own Daft Pink section! LOL. That Flawless guy looked like he was embarrassed throughout the whole thing; it's just a joke, mate. Don't take it too serious.
Wait til Preston comes out sees Chantelle weeping over him! I don't think she does even have feelings for him, it's just that situation is enough to send anyone mad.
Why is Ulrika being such a cunt over Preston's migraine? Does that cold bitch have one kind bone in her body?
I can't STAND PEOPLE who say ME-graine. Don't bankroll the dinner again, Ulrika, you fucking shrew. What's her beef?
I like the following Brian lols.
OMG Davina is talking to Derren! Sexy. EVICT HIM, HE'S A WITCH! BOO.
The audience are going 'uh uh' like they're at a Judge Jules set. I thought Nadia-gate was bad, but this is a new low. Surprised they are doing outside evictions.
Michelle looks like she's gone a bit mad for the dry shampoo. It's a bit of a Miss Haversham vibe. Well, Michelle didn't do much, but at least she proved she's changed. And that's something considering my perception of her before.
Did they force the crowd to cheer tonight? No one likes Bass that much.
No, Davina, that's not what disingenuous mean. Anyway.
I wish we could see Chicken Stu! He's fit. Total drip, but fit.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT! First OK magazine with Crab Eyes and Josie on the front, and then Davina's mucky old hair dye. Fruc tis. (That almost worked as a joke)
I think Vanessa will go. And so it was. Nikki's not happy!
Hey! What's wrong with you. I like Vanessa Feltz and I like Turnaround dude. They're a cute couple!
God, Ulrika! What a miserable, miserable cow. I can't stand that bitch.
Glad Nick stayed in a way. I think he needs it more.
OMG Vanessa got stage-dived. It's like Morrissey back in the day (before subspecies gate). Ooh, the boos are back.
Last ever Big Mouth? Aint there one on Friday? Pass the valium, I think we'll need it.
PS. In loving memory of who? Did that stage diver land on his head? (apologies)

Ultimate Big Brother: Not so slick man

Victor to win! Who else considers the E4 viewer? NO ONE. His and Nick's charade is cringeworthy, but it's better than watching people SLEEP.
I'm starting to think Preston is quite cruel for even going in there. I guess maybe he didn't know she'd be so affected. But now it's just uncomfortable. Ulrika: 'it's not for me to say.' STFU then.
It looks like it's a full time job straightening Michelle's hair. She's using TWO sets of straighteners! WTF. Hardcore.
Vanessa has such a genuine interest in people! I love the way she quizzes people.
Victor plus the tree equals mega devilment.
Nick is so creepy. Victor is tanking on this task. LOL to him waving the dictaphone round in disgust! He always delivers! Except now.
Oh, Nikki. What a sad story about her anorexia. How she ever passed the pysch test, I don't know. She is deeply damaged. Vanessa is nosy but caring. That was genuinely sad.
Victor- sex tape gate. His exes must be thrilled. Take your sunglasses off and put the tree costume on.
WTF are they making Victor wear, he looks like a giant turd. Oh, Victor, you buffoon.
KLOSH! It's Daft Pink! Victor was a sport in that task. Nikki wouldn't have knocked back that cow urine. Brian Dowling is not helping. It's like Come Dine With Me all over again.
Proposal talk! Chantelle had to hand that ring back! Wack. I wouldn't have given that prick the ring back. Can you imagine the moment she gave it back? Grim.
Oh god 'come see the dogs' was just heartbreaking.
Nick and Victor citing 'if it was America' and talking about 'the block'. I love it! BB USA rules.
Spin the bottle! Subtle. Ulrika and Nick! Deffo up for it. Love and hate- it's a fine line. At least Ulrika's game. That was fun!
Victor is getting out of his tree! It's a joke 'ting. Aw to Nick and Nikki love in.
Victor is taking creative control of his styling! Victor FTW.

Come Dine With Me: Big Brother Winners

I kind of feel like they should have put this on once UBB is finished as an extra little treat. Given Nadia's recent treatment, it seems strangely sour.
I think this show is going to make me pine for Brian Belo a bit.
Sophie's got Brandon Flowers mouth. She obviously spent her winnings on new tegs.
Brian D has got video entry phone. Very Belle de Jour. Belo's brought rose wine. Class. And his humming whilst he ate was also a nice touch.
Oh, Nadia. She's not the nation's favourite anymore. From winner to sinner!
I don't care if you're gay, Brian D, if you groped my boobs like that I'd break your fucking face.
LOL to Brian B falling off his chair in disgust at the Dannii Minogue look. 'Why has she done her head like that for?' Brilliant! Aw, I want Brian in the Ultimate BB house! He's special.
Does Belo have a swimming pool in his house?! I like Nadia's laugh. Her attitude problem is all part of the package, really.
Nadia's house looks nice. I'd like to lodge there. I don't think Sophie has got the hang of the 'strapless dress'. You're meant to wear a strapless bra, dogface (sorry, I promised I wouldn't rise to that memory of prolonged sexism).
Sophie's teeth look GOOFY. I can't STAND veneers. Eleven grand she spent on those fuckers. Everyone who voted for her; be ashamed. Ah, I kinda like her though.
Brian's making YOGURT TOP! LOL. I'm surprised his mum isn't helping. This is the chavviest Come Dine With Me ever.
Brian's soup looked REVOLTING. His bedroom and video collection was ace though!
Nadia is PISSED!
OMG to Belo feeling up Sophie! OUTRAGEOUS! That's not tickling your back, that's feeling your arse.
Sophie looks like Bugs Bunny now. She looks like her lips are struggling to fit over her gums now. Her kitchen looks enormous! I like her little hair bow, anyway.
OMG her outfit! Don't show your fanny off when you're cooking, it's unhygenic.
Nadia is being a cunt! Sophie's cooking burgers and nachos. Belo will be pleased.
Nadia and Belo BOTH look smashed. Nadia calling Brian D obnoxious!
OMG Nadia's lost it. I think one of her screws has fallen out. She's fucking mental.
That was the worst food ever seen on CDWM. But also one of the most entertaining!

Ultimate Big Brother: You do lie detector

Oops, missed the first few minutes due to BT Vision fail.
I don't like the 'fun' nominations! I want serious hardcore nominations! ARE Nasty Nick's phobias in that box? And what are they.
Victor's nominating Brian! Hehe! Love it. His rapping was ace. Ah, Chantelle too. he is running scared. Vanessa voted the same as Victor! Suspicious.
Vanessa shouldn't be eligible to be nominated!
What geeky movies does Preston like?
Ooh the votes are really split.
Chantelle needs to go back to rapping school. Argh, we still can't get rid of Ulrika! WTF.
I'd like Michelle to go out of her, Vanessa and Nick. Interesting Victor got no nominations! I love Victor! It would be so much better if he won than Chantelle or Brian again.
I love the way Vanessa goes on. What's Ulrika frowning at?
Victor and Nick must be fuming Vanessa is getting her own TV show segment!
Nikki's self-parodying! BB really is eating itself.
Preston looked twitchy when Chantelle started crying. It's probably not going to help his 'career' to be a heartbreaker.
Vanessa vs Ulrika! LOLs. I want to see tomorrow's edition of Feltz, it sounded good.
Preston's idea of 'making headway' is him going 'oh this is really great we get on' whilst Chantelle cries her eyes out ever ten minutes. I don't think he dares sit her down and talk to her because he's frightened of what she'll say.
Do they give you a free American Apparel hoodie as you walk in the BB house? Sam Pepper, crab eyes, Preston.
I like Nikki's flowery dress. Not really sure why anyone nominated Michelle. She's not so bad.
Although I'm really enjoying UBB there's not that much to blog about it. Only one more week of blogging BB. I need to download some music, quick!

Ultimate Big Brother: That's totally irrelevant

So Coolio WAS being transphobic. And they didn't show it. Revolting behaviour from Big Brother there. Vanessa on her previous Big Brother experience: 'I felt like Terry Waite.' Fantastic exaggeration!
WTF is going on with Michelle's unstraightened hair? She looks like a wilder beast. She's been left without Nadia and Makosi.
If Rex is in that house, he should be a proper housemate! I'd swap Ulrika for him.
Vanessa's chalk board moment wasn't the iconic milestone they think. It's really fucking boring.
It's sad to see Rex relegated to doing a task when Vanessa's in there yakking about her gastric band. ZZZ.
Did Ulrika just snog Rex? Still, who can blame her?
LOL to Preston getting squidged. I like Victor's wig!
Glad Brian can talk about his sexuality more honestly now, he was too scared years ago!
Not interested in Ulrika's boring marriages. This not what UBB should be about.
How can Chantelle never have heard of the Darkness?! Preston's indie teachings did not go far enough.
Brian looks dreadful in that rocker gear.
Victor is getting the Hira edit, which is unfair as Victor is king of the live feed.
They overspent by £200 on the shopping! That is showbiz!
I hope Vanessa and Ulrika go at it.
Bed gate! Oh, Nikki. I love Nikki! I like the Vanessa dealt with her with humour, unlike Ulrika who just gets pissy with her.
Where's BBLBC? Highlight fail.

Ultimate Big Brother: She doesn't dream about anyone.. except herself

Oh, Nadia. Not Davina's favourite housemate any more. The crowd last night were disgusting, it leaves a very bad taste in the mouth indeed.
I am still apoplectic that Ulrika is in that house. Mistake first time round. Just wilfully insulting the fans second time round.
Nikki is the only person in the PLANET who doesn't like the smell of bacon.
Aw to Pete and Nikki. He was the only one who could tame her! And he couldn't be bothered. I love Pete!
WHY ARE THEY SHOWING SO MUCH ULRIKA? What is their fucking agenda?
Nikki or Victor FTW.
I can't be asked with this Pie Jesu bullshit, it's boring. It sucked the first time round. It sucks double time now.
Bye Makosi. DISCARDED! Brian and Nikki's faces when Nadia went were a treat.
Victor: 'it's Ashleeen.' as Vanessa enters. Ashleen must be gutted!
Vanessa looks like Nikki's mum! They should have a gurning competition.
Victor is liking Vanessa because he doesn't see her as a threat. I LOVE VICTOR.
Vanessa got right in there asking the important questions! I like it.
I like seeing Ulrika looking a bit on the hop. Oh Vanessa and her gastric band. REX!

Ultimate Big Brother: Green doesn't show on TV

I'm away and still blogging! Dedicated.
Nikki can get away with acting like a brat because she has CHARM, Ulrika. You should try it.
Who's bum is wiggling against the shower! Outrageous.
Green doesn't show on TV! Can someone break that to Wimbledon viewers. Makosi is GOLD! Keep her in.
That 'Nadia's nuts' sign is transphobic.
UGH Antony Hutton makes me SICK. SEXIST PRICK. He must be gutted she's in UBB and he's not.
OMG that was the funniest conversation EVER in the garden. It was just fingers. 'I'm sorry about the mix up'!!! LOL! Makosi has honesty tourettes.
I liked it when Victor looked at the camera and laughed when Ulrika was getting aerated.
Ulrika vs Nadia. Here's the deal: they're BOTH CUNTS. I'm so not interested in this row. I wish they'd show Victor and Nick's antics instead.
Nadia is right though: Ulrika does not represent what the show is about. She's just taking the money and that's wrong.
Preston was loving the Kandy Floss task! Victor's gold trunks.
Ooh Victor in that flashback was proper aggressive. He's like a mellow old uncle now.
VANESSA FELTZ! I like Vanessa Feltz. I don't want her now though! I want Rex or Pete or Brian Belo! Not more celebrities. But if it had to be a celebrity, why not Pete Burns? Was ANYONE on the planet going 'oh I hope it's Vanessa feltz going in'. Except Turnaround dude, obv.
OMG just looked on Twitter and Rex was willing to go in and they didn't bother! WTF? Are they INSANE? REX! BELO! These are our UBBs not fucking Ulrika and Vanessa Feltz!
It's not that BB don't know their audience, it's that they know their audience, and don't give a FUCK about them. Disgraceful.
Show two. Aw it's Makosi. Well, she's redeemed herself in my eyes. I think she's a good housemate.
Did Nikki say about Nadia 'she's got her period'! Ouch.
Oh well, at least Makosi got a friendly interview with Davina this time. LOL Paul Mckenna is Jesus. Truth!
Nadia. It must be gutting to have won it and to get booted. It's gotta hurt. Nadia looks like she's got her nightie on. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ULRIKA.
It's not nice seeing this, actually. I feel a bit sorry for Nadia. It feels like when Jade was built up and knocked down.
That was quite horrible and emotionally damaging, I think.
Vanessa. No doubt she'll chum up with Ulrika and it will be really boring.
Sad show tonight and it should have been a good 'un. One week left. These are dark days.

Ultimate Big Brother: Endless Gub(bins)

Sozzles I didn't do a blog last night, I had a headache and it was beyond me! The only real thought I had last night was that there are ALL KINDS of body shapes in that house. And I mean all kinds, from Makosi's bosoms, to Ulkrika's arms.
Nice of Makosi to say 'gay people are just like me and you' to a TRANSSEXUAL. Fuck ME.
How is Brian 'playing on being gay'? Actually, don't answer that. He IS interviewing people, though.
Preston looks like his glasses should be sellotaped together. He can't remember what they used to argue about? Dangerous ground!
Ulrika and Verne doing that song was shit at the time, and will be even shitter without Verne's gravitas. My boyfriend said, 'I thought they were going to miniaturise Nick'. HEH! They should have got Ben in to play keyboards.
Who do Victor and Nick call 'the wasp'? Don't worry Big Brother will provide 'wasp-ease'. WTF is that?
The diary room chair from Makosi's chair RULED! Yeah Big Brother got that wasp to sting Makosi as part of a task! Idiots.
I kind of like Makosi this year, it's weird! I couldn't STAND HER before. I think she's really funny this year. The mobile phone thing was cool.
Ahmed! That made me LOL. What a terrible housemate he was! AWFUL! He probably enjoyed smashing that shit up. He looks exactly the same.
Ulrika: you look like a cadaver. I can't even appreciate her off the back of Shooting Stars; she's carried on that show too.
Victor is using the 'alliance' speak! Get him on BBUSA. Nasty Nick: 'they'll get together for 300K'. LOL. I'm glad Victor came in there and brought out the REAL NICK!
Why aren't they showing Nick and Vic's BBLBC show from the nest?! It is totally cringeworthy but they should still show a bit of it!
Nikki snoring rant! You can't 'take something' for snoring- well, maybe arsenic. She's rehashing 'i'm soooooo cold'. She needs to put a bit more effort in. I didn't agree when Nikki said she was a small fish. She OWNS them other housemates. She's first class.