The American version of Wife Swap is the same as the English one, except with a fancier beginning. This week a couple who lived on a farm in Ohio swapped with a good-looking city-living black couple. There was one small factor: the couple who lived on the farm lived solely on raw meat. They were also planning heavily for the apocolypse and didn't believe in cleaning or personal hygene. The black couple seemed pretty normal for Wife Swap, except they were quite tidy and liked fashion and soft-furnishings.
The main thing that struck me about the advocates of the raw meat diet was how unbelievably unhealthy they looked and how bloody miserable they seemed. They were angry, erratic and dogmatic. They talked constantly about health whilst having hair more lacklustre than Worzel Gummage. They had blotchy skin, brown teeth and worn-out faces (and that includes the kids). They didn't drink water and somehow survived. They brushed their teeth with clay and butter (!?) They ate month old meat out of grubby jars that looked like Dickensian film props and forced themselves to wake up on filthy furniture at 2AM to eat because if they didn't their bodies would go into an anorexic state' (no idea what that means- but it sounds alright to me). They said germs were 'their friends'.
How this poor personal assistant woman stayed the distance in that environment was anyone's guess. She asked the husband if it was safe to eat raw meat, and he said 'would God put something on Earth to harm us?' She had no apparent answer for this, but my boyfriend said sharks and I said crack pretty much straight off the bat. There's probably about another 271,367,823 things on top of that.
The farm woman looked at the beautiful flats in California and said 'what would they do if there was an ice storm?' An ice storm? Then she told the husband, 'what would you do if your power was out for a week?' A week! If my power was out for an hour I'd be sobbing by my modem and giving the kiss of life to my TV.
What did I learn? I learnt watching someone drink raw eggs was disgusting. Watching someone eating raw chicken makes me feel queasy. I learnt there are still some people in America so backwards and weird contemplating it too much would bend my head.
Come Armageddon come. I'll take my chances, thanks.