Wife Swap: The last episode

I'm not sad to see the back of Wife Swap; a tired old format, indeed, but no more so than say 'I'm a Celebrity...' which chugs on unabashed. I understand why they culled Wife Swap; they should have done it about five years ago. I'm still angry about Big Brother, though. That's not a format problem, but a producer problem.
So will Wife Swap go out with a bang or a whimper? Let's see.
Tori is a 'lady who lunches' (i.e. spends her husband's money). They have 5 houses, but no romance. She swapped with Sam, who has seven kids! Wow, that's a lot. They seemed poor but happy.
Sam started crying because Tori had a nicer kitchen than her. Tori started crying because Sam only had 2 grand coming into her house a month. Both the women reminded me of each other quite a lot, which doesn't make for the most explosive episode. All Wife Swap seems to do is confirm sexist roles, and that being a housewife is total drudgery. I know they seek out the 'extremes' but it's sad to think that so many lives are still defined in this way, and that people don't even question it.
The 'rich' husband said 'what my wife does in a day is a mystery to me.' How sad.
The one good thing about Wife Swap is, of course, there is always SOMETHING to learn from another family's way of doing things, some saving grace. The 'rich' wife sounded like a right snob saying she could learn nothing from the council estate mum. She could learn to spend some time with her husband, for a start. Plus she looked AS rough as the council estate mum, even with all that cash. 90 grand aint that much anyway between a couple plus a family. That's less per head than what I live on if you divide it by 4.
Tori made a twat of herself at the table meeting. She was really looking down her nose, which was unbecoming. The husband she got to swap with was a nice bloke; she got lucky if anything.
I don't blame Sam for walking out; Tori was just plain rude. If someone has to come in and tell you to spend time with the little people you've given birth to, you're the idiot, Tori, money or not.
And so ends Wife Swap. Which is fine, but can we have the brand new spangly fresh-idea programming now?

Bedsit TV

I have some news. I have stopped liking some of my favourite programmes. How did this happen? Did I go all arty? Did I get a social life? Did I get old? No, I think it's living on my own. There is something empty about watching Deal or No Deal alone. And as for the X Factor? Forget it. Even my mum's enthusiastic text messages can't spur me on. It all seems as hollow as Dannii Minogue's face.
Maybe it's just the formats are tired, or maybe it's just me? I can't get into Cheryl Cole's monotonous drone (come back, Sharon).
I still enjoyed Big Brother as much as I could. But apart from that, I just seem to be filling up my recordable freeview with programmes and not watching them.
There does seem to be a lack of freakshow/ makeover-type stuff on at the mo, my favourite kind of silliness. I'll probably watch Secret Diary of a Call Girl. But what else is there to look forward to? I've gone off Wife Swap. Even Dragon's Den is boring me.
The weird part is though, I don't really miss any of it. I'm not exactly going out on the razzle every night (once a month though, come on, I've still got it), but I don't seem to get bored, or run out of things to do. I have a bunch of Eastenders and Corries to catch up on since Amsterdam, and it just seems like a chore, not a pleasure. I don't want to see Billy, Peggy, or Bianca. I don't even want to see Christian.
Have I weaned myself off shit TV? Or do I just need to get married or something to bring the valium-like qualities of council-pop talent shows and desperado-style reality TV back into full focus?
I don't want to feel this way about good TV, like Curb Your Enthusiasm though. I know I will regain the passion, it's in me, like my love of plastic tat.
On the plus side, I still like music, and I haven't taken up DIY or gardening, so there's still hope *clings onto youth*.
PS: It's not a bedsit, it's a studio.

TV Round Up: Bin Raiders!

I've been watching a bit of anything and everything lately but nothing enough to write a whole blog about so I'm just going to do a general mash-up.
Obviously I've been watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, but I already saw them online. Still, a consistent joy. I've also really been enjoying Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares; god knows why, I hate good food so I must just love shouting. I am also alway loving American Idol, Deal or No Deal and Harry Hill's V Burp.
I've also got into watching a zillion episodes of Maury. Bloody hell, are they ever about ANYTHING than paternity tests? Where are the progerianoids when you need them? There was one woman who tested NINE men to be her baby's father and still didn't find him. Nine! It should be two at an absolute MAXIMUM. And even if it's two, just abort for God's sake. Maury's alright though, he's nice and crinkly. On a further talk-show tip, I've watched a couple of Nothing But The Truth's with Jerry Springer. That's kind of stupid and annoying. The lie detector senses you are lying! If lie detectors are so bloody accurate we'd have no need for a court of law.
Today for the first time ever I watched The Real Hustle, which I thought was pretty good in a Derren Brown meets Trigger Happy sort of a way. They are not showing you how to AVOID being conned, they are showing YOU how to con people. Cool.
Wife Swap is just going to drastic levels this year, Sunday's episode saw a millionaire who lived in what looked like a comedy haunted house swap with some Christian Bin Raiders! Yes that is as disgusting as it sounds. They'll never top Lizzie Bardsley so they may as well just forget it.
Soaps! Corrie's been alright, enjoyed the wedding fiasco. He shouldn't have married dopey Maria. I quite fancy Ryan, the school boy, which is a worry. Not so keen on the other son, and he looks about five years older. Stick with Ryan, Michelle. I quite like Hearsay woman. She's alright.
Enderz. Is it just me or has Tanya suddenly got 12 billion times sexier than she used to be? She looks two stone lighter. I still would with Sean. Max= the fatther who must be killed. The following characters need to be sacked: Stephen (in fact all of Ians kids) Yolande, the postman, the postman's nagging bint of a wife, STACEY'S MUM, Gus (wife beater), Chelsea, that bloke with the chav kid, Max's bratty daughter, Mickey and that new girl who keeps gurning over people's shoulders. Thanks.

Wife Swap: Mmm, raw meat

The American version of Wife Swap is the same as the English one, except with a fancier beginning. This week a couple who lived on a farm in Ohio swapped with a good-looking city-living black couple. There was one small factor: the couple who lived on the farm lived solely on raw meat. They were also planning heavily for the apocolypse and didn't believe in cleaning or personal hygene. The black couple seemed pretty normal for Wife Swap, except they were quite tidy and liked fashion and soft-furnishings.
The main thing that struck me about the advocates of the raw meat diet was how unbelievably unhealthy they looked and how bloody miserable they seemed. They were angry, erratic and dogmatic. They talked constantly about health whilst having hair more lacklustre than Worzel Gummage. They had blotchy skin, brown teeth and worn-out faces (and that includes the kids). They didn't drink water and somehow survived. They brushed their teeth with clay and butter (!?) They ate month old meat out of grubby jars that looked like Dickensian film props and forced themselves to wake up on filthy furniture at 2AM to eat because if they didn't their bodies would go into an anorexic state' (no idea what that means- but it sounds alright to me). They said germs were 'their friends'.
How this poor personal assistant woman stayed the distance in that environment was anyone's guess. She asked the husband if it was safe to eat raw meat, and he said 'would God put something on Earth to harm us?' She had no apparent answer for this, but my boyfriend said sharks and I said crack pretty much straight off the bat. There's probably about another 271,367,823 things on top of that.
The farm woman looked at the beautiful flats in California and said 'what would they do if there was an ice storm?' An ice storm? Then she told the husband, 'what would you do if your power was out for a week?' A week! If my power was out for an hour I'd be sobbing by my modem and giving the kiss of life to my TV.
What did I learn? I learnt watching someone drink raw eggs was disgusting. Watching someone eating raw chicken makes me feel queasy. I learnt there are still some people in America so backwards and weird contemplating it too much would bend my head.
Come Armageddon come. I'll take my chances, thanks.