Being on telly, getting your boobs done, being in a band: none of these things give you any sort of writing credentials. Indeed, even writing credentials don't give you writing credentials unless you can- wait for it- actually write. There are a trillion people who think they can write. There are creative writers everywhere churning out complete and utter drivel and expecting it to outsell the Bible. Poets are the worst- any old cobbled together rhyming or non-rhyming pap about death or kittens and they declare it poetry. I never tell people I write poetry because although my poetry is half-decent, anyone who has never seen it will assume perfectly reasonably that it is useless because of they 99% of other poetry that came before it.
The irony is, despite a plethora of nutcases declaring themselves to be literary geniuses whilst churning out shit, every day you will get an effortless email or even a text message from a friend that is one billion percent (thank you, Simon Cowell) more creative and well-written than anything these 'writers' could dream of. Yet your genius friend would never call themselves a writer.
So why then, am I subjected to Michelle Heaton of Liberty X fame 'writing' a column in the magazine in the middle of OK magazine? Answer: because I buy OK magazine. Admittedly, it is my own fault. But I tolerate Kerry Katona's 'the papers hate me! I don't drink nuffink! My husband is a good-looking man whom won't let me own my own mobile and definitely won't run off with another woman and all my money in six months!' drivel (hold on, Katona would never use the word 'whom'). I even allow Jordan's (what qualifies her to be a psychotherapist?) trite problem page, but Heaton's column is just a smack in the mouth too far.
SHE HAS NO OPINION ON ANYTHING.
It's all 'I hope Kylie's feeling better' and 'I hope Robbie is Ok after rehab' and 'I hope Britney's hair grows back quickly'. URGH. This is not what we want to hear from a columnist, and she's messing it up because she's NOT A WRITER. Half her double page spread is a picture of her with her ridiculous eyebrows leering out. And if it's not inane wittering about how much she loves everyone and everything it's unashamed plugs of her band or her latest TV show or she rambles on about her boring husband whom she trapped into marriage.
Michelle Heaton: you are not a writer. You aren't even a singer really, but hey, you're not stepping on my toes churning out rubbish pop music. Your column however, offends my sensibilities.
Great writers are heroic. Morrissey, Conor Oberst, Charlie Brooker, Grace Dent, that guy off http://www.wwtd.com/ and Dr David Thorpe off www.somethingawful.com/yourbandsucks These are writers.
Michelle Heaton or Michelle Scott-Lee or whoever the fuck you are now. It won't be long before you're sacked. Unfortunately no one good will take your place because all the cool people swear too much, or are lyricists or on the internet, not sandwiched grotesquely between Katona and Jordan, sucking the souls of the too-dumb-to-question-it masses.