Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I'm not fucking Bono

If ever a series didn't need an alien invasion, it's this one. We don't need a rehash of Beadle's About when we've got a virtual porno kicking off. Actually, the spaceship doesn't look too bad. LOL is the electric shock suits?! So soon! Mind you, any time is too soon.
Lee Ryan and Liz have been abducted. Ha, micro-dermabrasion.They're not even waxing Lee, they're just razoring him! What a wimp!
Casey isn't the sharpest, telling BB she's been talking to Lee in code. Remember 'follow the van'? That was some old skool BB times.
Lee: 'You're not really allowed an opinion as a celebrity.' Tell that to Morrissey. Lee, don't be a crashing bore, vent your opinion, it's funny.
'Earlier Lionel was given an intergalactic space trumpet.' Well there are words I never thought I'd write. Space trumpet playing leads to Krispy Kreme donuts, apparently.
Evander rates himself, doesn't he! Is he allowed to touch the space trumpet? Just don't let him near the pink oboe.
Lee confiding in Liz is about the least touching moment I've ever seen on TV. Jasmine is is his kind of girl: 'a bit damaged'. Er, don't admit that on TV. That's like when men say they like anorexic girls or something. There's a reason a man wants a girl who's damaged, and it's not to put her back together again.
How is this alien reading tweets out?! Have aliens got Twitter, now? These tweets could be about either Luisa or Jasmine as they've both behaved like a pair of sex-mad loonies.
Do you think it's discrimination to pick up an alien as if it were a child? Discuss.
That Luisa is nasty saying Casey is looking to 'latch on' to someone. All she seems to want to do is waggle her tongue at Jasmine. I'm sure Lee said yesterday he wanted a girlfriend! Now he's saying he doesn't. What a knobber. I feel almost sorry for Casey, now. And her boobs.
Er... what is Jim Davidson eating! He has the table manners of a chimp. Linda is right to be wary of Jim: he's got the knives out for her. But she's not exactly been friendly to him, either.
Why are they playing Busted into the house? Liz Jones is like Michael Jackson or something in those sunglasses. Hold up, it's Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys. This is an indie disco classic. 'I'll still fry you in my wok... mmmmm drop!'
Jim: 'I love Ollie.' Ha! Does he know he's bi? Lies!
Lee Ryan is being a bastard. He HAS led Casey on because when they were unchained he was still in bed with her and jerking off and everything. So much for his kids watching.
Lee is serenading his housemates. Waaaaaaaa! Hide the breakables. Did Jim tell Jasmine to fuck off, or Lee? Is it OK to be rude to someone just because they're American?
Evander needs a Bible buddy.
Sam Faiers is the most boring housemate of all time. Have you seen her say one thing of interest?
Jim Davidson is not down for giving a bottle a blowjob. No, siree.
Lee: 'you know they're all talking about us.' You're the one who's been talking about it all day, prick! Lee Ryan hasn't even got 'big brother brain'. This is not a showmance. It's a woemance. I hope Casey shoots him down. I thought she dealt with him in quite a classy manner, actually, and then he's carping on like she's clinging to his leg begging for him, when actually she was like, 'whatever'.
Linda is just as shirty with Jim as he is with her. Look at her holding court! She's stirring it up.
Dappy: 'you lead it on, bro.' Who's the bigger misogynist, him, Lee, or Jim? I think Lee so far.
Now Lee's got back with Casey! No wonder he loves animals so much, this guy is a fucking dog. Talk about mixing! He's acting like he's not causing this whole situation.
Jim: 'What am I accused of?' I like Jim more than Linda right now. Is she trying to goad him? I don't get it!
I've slept under a space blanket before, on a crate, off my head, and it was fucking horrible. NOT sexy. Lee is like a horny little bitch! Poor Liz and Jim having to listen to Lee and Jasmine snogging, ten minutes after he said he liked Casey. BARE LIBERTIES.
OMG I think Lee went to jerk off in the loo again, and this time someone (Jasmine) followed him! Is that his pulling technique!? How must he behave in the outside world if he carries on like that in there?! Waaaaaaaa! What a creep. Come back, Duncan, all is forgiven. This is going to be a long three weeks at this rate. It's going to be doubly long if Lee and Casey get fake evicted together. I don't think I've ever seen someone two time another person in the Big Brother house. It's either the ultimate sluttery... or the ultimate strategy.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Don't blame nuclear on chickens

This is shaping up to be a legacy season! We've got sex, bondage and rampant homophobes.
Evander still doesn't know what show he's on: 'do people come and clean the house?' No, and there's cameras watching you, too.
OMG what a hypocrite Lionel Blair is with his 'your mouth looks bigger today' comment implying Jasmine sucked Dappy off! So HE'S alright to talk about deep throating first thing in the morning. Grim.
Nature talk with Lee Ryan! Careful, now. LOL to them singing 'All rise' whilst speculating about Lee Ryan's sex life.
Luisa: 'You're such a cool, calm dude' to Evander. Yesterday proved otherwise. Will he redeem himself? Will it be a Conor situation and he'll take the money and run?
Ollie has fallen in love with Lionel. I've fallen in love with Ollie. OMG all Casey talks about is her boobs! It's pathetic. She makes me ashamed to be a woman.
Luisa seems quite proud to call herself a 'coke-taking sex addict.' I'm surprised she's having this sex party talk in front of Evander. I wouldn't dare. Dappy: 'What does that [women having sex] consist of?' Evander doesn't seem that bothered about the 'double-ended dildo' talk! Are girls being gay OK? Is that not like having your foot on wonky? Hypocrite!
Ha, we've seen this rope untangling game on BBUS. Do you think some are more tangled than others? I'm inclined to think everything's a fix.
So up are Liz, Dappy, Evander, Luisa, Casey and Lee. All depends if it's vote to save or vote to evict.
I think the handcuff task is good because it makes them appreciate their time in the house, rather than whinging like they did last year. Now they can run wild!
Ollie is doing some good strategy in the DR here. Crying and theatrics.
I like the fact this Luisa is quite a bitch. I'm not sure the lesbian gameplan is going to pay off, though. I think it might just be an excuse to you know, be a slut (I'm saying that in the sex positive sense, ha!) Casey is just like a cardboard cut out off Babestation. I don't find her attractive. She's making me feel sexist against MY OWN SEX by mentioning her boobs all the time. Women are more than just body parts! 
Luisa: 'are you gay or straight?' to Ollie. Have you heard of BISEXUALS? You ARE ONE! These people are so weird. Why does it have to be one or the other?
Why is Liz wearing that drab tracksuit? 'I'm not used to people being nice to me.' Aw. Keep her in!
Linda telling off the girls for being bitchy; spoilsport! Luisa: 'I say it as I see it.' She'd be good on Catchphrase. I quite like her, in a way. At least she's 'being herself'. Ha!
Liz: 'I don't read the Bible cos it's nonsense.' Jim: 'Don't blame nuclear on chickens.' WTF. How do nuclear weapons keep the peace! If no one had any, wouldn't it be more peaceful? Aw, it's too deep for Lee Ryan. Tell that to the victims of 9/11. I like it when they talk politics in the BB house! It's so rare.
Why is Linda always trying to prove herself to Jim!
Lee Ryan is keeping his options open. 'Playing the fuck out of all these hoes' as Jasmine so eloquently put it.
Oh dear, Lee Ryan going all 'tings' and 'bruv' with Dappy, fo' shame. Shut it, Granddad.
Jim Davidson is horrible but he IS funny sometimes! Cruel, but funny. Liz Jones is so fragile! She's like a little sparrow. I want her to have a 'journey' lol.
Don't pillow fight, Lee and Casey, that's how the Daley/Hazel war began.
Dappy makes me feel physically sick, but you can't deny he's entertaining. Why has he got his cap on in the bath! This hot tub scene is soooo childish!
Does Lee even fancy that boring pair of boobs he was chained to? It seems like a relationship of convenience to me. I think he'd rather be with Dappy in the hot tub.
OMG Dappy is like the pimp daddy in there! This is worse than when George Galloway was the cat. It's making my vagina curl up and die. Is this motorboat thing really happening? How did Dappy pull this shit off?! This is the rudest Big Brother EVER!  I'm actually quite shocked, we're normally quite stuck up and prim.
Jim's 'get the taste out of your mouth' comment - gag! Imagine what noise Lee Ryan makes when he orgasms! Waaaaaaaa!
At least Evander is keeping it holy and civillised - apart from his raging homophobia, obviously.
Luisa calling Dappy cringe! That's rich. She is shameless. What must Alan Sugar think? I'm glad Margaret isn't still around to witness this.
Thought Dappy was going to pull the covers off Lee Ryan's bare arse there. Fucking hell, man, this is like Holland's Big Brother. OMG I thought Casey was going to go in the toilet with him then. But he just jerked himself off! Groo.
Wow it's a fake eviction! Cool! There's too much going on to kick two out at this stage. The 'bolt hole'! Is that a cleaned up version of the rape suite, I mean, the safe house? Yes! I'm loving this BB! Whoop.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Them lot aint packing too tough

OMG I just saw Honey Boo Boo snot out of both nostrils. And they say Big Brother is low brow. Shit like that should come with a health warning.
Meanwhile, could this be the crassest Big Brother ever? Let's hope so. I just finished watching the sublime and wholesome Big Brother Australia, where they don't even boo when housemates get evicted.
Ugh the tap water in the Big Brother house looks white. What's going down in Borehamwood? Celebrities probably require extra fluoride.
Sam: 'your boobs come out' to Jasmine. They didn't come out, they were released.
Is that Luisa really 'born in the 80s' as her t-shirt proclaims? She looks older. 
Lionel has been married 47 years. Evander has 11 children but he only did it 11 times. Evander did a lol! Maybe he will be worth having in the house after all. Imagine if a woman had 11 children. Ulrika be spitting.
Lee's got his camo gear on; ready for war. I couldn't be any less interested in that woman chained to Lee Ryan. My boyfriend said they should swap the people that are handcuffed to each other each day.
Oh it's good they can go in the Diary Room on their own. I like Ollie Locke and his jumper.
Sam is like Jasmine's nursemaid. Lionel sticking his finger up to indicate 'finger-banging' in the DR would make a good gif.
Is it just be or should advertised programme 'botched up bodies' simply be called 'botched bodies'? No matter.
Did Jim Davidson just say 'good' to never having bigger women in magazines! Lovely. Racist, homophobic and now promoting anorexia.
And the award for gross onesie of 2014 goes to Ollie Locke.
Ah, a classic shit stirring task. Dappy's roll eyes for Liz Jones condemning Rhianna for smoking waccy baccy.
I like Evander's random bragging. I like him more tonight! Maybe the jetlag is wearing off, ha.
I like Ollie. I could watch him all day. Bin the onesie, though. Burn the onesie!
Dappy's big dick got him a number one! Ha. Shameless.
I think Sam is duller than Joey Essex and that's saying something.
Liz Jones gets bonus points to me for slagging off Holly Willoughby. Fuck Pippy Schofield!
Linda to Liz: 'why do you feel the need to be controversial?' Cos she gets paid for it, dur.
Why is Dappy skulking around biting his nails? I don't think he likes Liz anymore. Aw.
Jim Davidson: Colombian marching powder FTW. Oh God, is he Bible bashing? He doesn't go near 'strong drugs' anymore. What about weak ones? God saved Jim Davidson! Fuck you, God. *shakes fist at God* Nicely sidestepped being a homophobic racist here.
Dappy's doing some talking to camera in the yard. Not sure what he's saying, though.
The housemates are always suss about journos in the house! Be nice to her and you'll be alright, right? Maybe.
Luisa punching Evander's hand was quite amusing. Her blood on his hand. Don't worry, she probably gets tested regularly for those sex parties. Evander did some good roll eyes in the DR, too. I like the fact he seems sick of Luisa.
So Lionel would evict Liz over Jasmine 'finger bang' waltz? Christ!
Of course the answer to which housemate would Sam evict right now is Jasmine. But she couldn't say that.
Jim Davidson is bringing out the journey card early. Play that card later on! 'Things from 38 years ago'. Surely he means 'non things from 38 years ago.' Yeah we'll all have a good laugh about sex allegations one day. Ha, ha!
Sam setting up Jasmine to sleep with Dappy. Jasmine: 'I'll sleep with any old...'
Why is Dappy doing press ups in the shower? With his hat on?
My boyfriend fancies that woman chained to Lee Ryan! Why!
Why is everyone hating on Liz! Boo! Liz is ace. I'd be chatting to Liz in there all day long.
So it's OK to talk about Dappy's dong but not finger banging! Double standards.
Why must we watch Lee and Casey brush their teeth every night?! She is just BOOBS. What else has she said. 
Luisa saw Evander drop his homophobic gay boxer bomb and tried to stop him. Too late. Uh oh! If your leg is on wrong... comparing being gay to 'handicapped' people! Ohmydays. That's one way to handicap your game alright. I'm watching this late but I guess Twitter just went wild. You're telling me Jim Davidson is in that house and we've got Evander dropping that shit? Oh, Lord! Can we give him a warning, please. Poor Luisa, chained to a bigot. Don't do your vagina tongue face at him. Isn't she bi? Tell him!
Yes, they are giving him a warning! It was a private conversation, ha. On Big Brother.
I can't cope with this Dappy sex scene. 'You've got a tight little ass.' OMG. What is he doing.
Holyfield has a deviated septum and he's a bigot. Dappy is rubbing his dick and going 'told you'. Is this really all happening in one episode? In the third episode? Wowee.
We're going to up our game on the podcast front and do another tonight, too! See you there.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Noble and fucking dope

Ooh, hello. Please spare us an 8 hour recap. Who knew Jim Davidson was an OBE? Mind you, the Queen loves alleged (and genuine) sex offenders. Should I rephrase that? Nah, sod it. I'm no Sally Bercow. Woman!
Everything that comes out of Jim's mouth is cringeworthy. Everything is sexual or just horrible. 'I've been staring at you for a week' are not words you want to hear come out of his mouth, either.
Liz Jones' face says it all. It's like her and Dappy are speaking different languages. Dappy: 'I'm a cool, young character.' Well, if you say so. Stick with Dappy, Liz, you'll go far. Or get evicted. One or the other.
So we've got Lionel to blame for Jim's fame. Thanks, Lionel.
Jasmine putting vodka down her pants already; that's my girl. They shouldn't give them spirits! Give them more spirits.
Evander seems totally lost. Poor sod. Does he really need the money? Dappy telling Evander about his media image. Who cares!
Let's see how long 'we've got a nice bunch of people' lasts.
I have that throw they have hanging over the couch. £30 in the sale on Very. Opulent indeed!
This handcuff thing is crap. Are you telling me they have to poo in front of each other. This is why we've got no live feed, cos as soon as the show finishes, they all get unhandcuffed and probably sent to Jackie Stallone's private suite. I know your game, Big Bruvver!
Dappy and Liz seem one of the happiest couples together, to be honest. I love Dappy, he is 100% entertainment. No doubt he'll be out on his ear first.
Oh dear, Dappy is going 'I'm not going home.' Wolfy!
Jim Davidson banging on about 'showbusiness. 'Evander has got jet-lag; the Spencer and Heidi defence.
I think I'd rather be chained to Big Ron than Evander. His social skills needs a little work. I feel sorry for The Apprentice chief vagina licker. Evander is upset he can't put on his pyjamas. Luisa: 'I don't want to sleep in this dress, it's quite expensive.' They're not going to make then sleep in the handcuffs.
Evander is telling his one story about Mike Tyson. Might as well evict him now. Luisa looks bored out of her brain. Oh God, a Christian, too. Bring back Stephen Baldwin.
Dappy: journo hate. He loves Liz Jones. Wait until he sees what she writes about him after. Dappy, you're not allowed to say 'pow, pow pow' in the Big Brother house, haven't you heard. He's got bare things up his sleeve. Give Dappy a cigar and he'll be set. Which 'brunette ting' is he after? VOLUMPTUOUS. Ha. Dappy is better than I could have even dreamt.
Liz is missing Dappy She always looks stressed, ha.
Respect to Jasmine for keeping hold of her drink when she fell over. That's a true gamer.
Jasmine is dragging Towie round like a reluctant dog. WTF is up with her? She's a mess!
LOL to Dappy on the pull! 'Do you like bad boys?' OMG he's taking advantage of a drunk woman! Did he try and bite her?
I like this Jasmine, she knows what she wants. I wouldn't fuck with her.
What medical reasons give Lionel his own bed! Has he got an orthopedic mattress? How can you sleep handcuffed, it's a health hazard.
Jasmine's got the boobs out! Wowee. She is gonna be GOOOOOOOOD value. OMG, she's assaulting Lee Ryan.
I feel really sorry for Sam from Towie now! She can't even go DR and plead sexual assault! Where did they find her! What she's done has been worse than Daley in my opinion.
Dappy has his Dappy hat on! Isn't it wrong to make Sam breathe Jasmine's second hand smoke? This task has got health hazard written all over it.
Lionel doesn't look too pressed with the 'finger bang' each other talk. Even Dappy is appalled. That was TMI and then some. Indecent! I love how gentlemanly Ollie is.
Lionel doesn't expect to hear A GIRL say things like that. A man saying things like that is A-OK!
Jasmine is 'spiritual'. This is why I'm an atheist. She makes Charlotte from Geordie Shore look like Brian Sewell. What a first night show, though! Amazing.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Live launch

Hello again! It's time! I am watching alone, with alcohol! Beware.
How could they top the magic and ingenious casting of the last CBB? Well, the guests on any given day on This Morning would probably be a more effective strategy. I would pay to see that dude who thought he was Jesus Christ and Martin Lewis in the house over the latest goon from Towie. Surely we're done with the Loose Women now? I've been trying to avoid seeing who's been going in the house, as there's always rumours and half the time they're not true. Talking of This Morning, I'd be quite happy to see Katie Hopkins in there; at least she'd do what they failed to do last time: entertain. I want to hear no moaning about wanting to go home and no crying about missing family for three sodding weeks!
OK. Here we go.
Oh shit, I was fucking about when the credits came on. Recognised Dappy's voice, though.  
Oh God, being shown round the house. Who gives a fuck. Down the farble stairs. No percent marble. It's had an upgrade since the eco stuff, I suppose. I guess a Callum wannabe won't be able to 'take it on board' on a bike. Why is Russia the theme?! Homophobes. Hopefully Putin is in the house. Give him Glenns vodka, that's what I'm on.
Hold up, I'm liking the DR chair. That's more like it, bit of bling.
UGH! Jim Davidson. I'd forgotten about him. Remember when he called Brian Dowling a shirtlifter? That was one of the most horrible things I'd ever seen on television. I'll never forget it and never forgive it.  Disgraceful man. At least Brian doesn't have to pretend to be nice to him. Emma does.
Linda Nolan up next. Not another Nolan. Linda Nolan supports Samaritans though, so she's alright. A Nolan going in is the same as a Loose Woman going in really. Same mum bracket.
Some idiot is now defending Jim Davidson to me on Twitter! Ha! Shameful. Apparently me calling him a cunt is as bad as him doing a hate crime! Pathetic! It's hard tweeting and blogging, you know. It's like old media meets new media. It's like I'm writing with a quill from the future.
Nolan hating Davidson could see her become a hero. Ha, they're handcuffing them together. It's an oldie, but you know. Davidson will just be pleased he's not been handcuffed to a gay person. Linda Nolan appears to be wearing Kat Slater's dressing gown.
I've now been told by the Davidson defender 'not to tweet if i can't take a comment back.' No, I can't take a comment! You've made me cry! Boo hoo! Idiot. If women couldn't 'take a comment' on Twitter THERE'D BE NO WOMEN ON TWITTER. Oh God, I've had a red bull and a half. I'm getting aggressive. It's Big Brother that does this to me, honest.
Dappy! Kicked in the face by a horse. Are they sending the horse in, too? Dappy's mentioning da herb! Dappy FTW. His odds must be horrible. Put a tenner on him! He's got to be wearing that for a joke, right? I liked his retelling of the horse story. Measured up!
OMG they're sending in Liz Jones with Dappy! This is awesome! What fantastic casting. I take it ALL BACK. Liz Jones and Dappy. OMG. Liz Jones makes Katie Hopkins look sane. Liz Jones's articles are so brilliantly entertaining. I can't work out of she's a troll or just mentally ill. I would like any Daily Mail writers in there. Jan Moir, Amanda Plattell, Richard Littlejohn... all would be TV gold. I feel sorry for people who don't know who Liz Jones is yet. You will know her by the trail of the dead!
What goes up, must come down, so here comes a Towie. Someone who actually found Joey Essex attractive. How??!!! I saw this one on This Morning (!) and she actually seemed quite nice. I wonder if she can tell the time?
Who is Jasmine Waltz? Hopefully an arsehole. Oh, she seems quite nice. I like her. It's impossible to drink red bull, do two lots of Twitter bitching and write my blog. Something's got to give. And it's not the red bull.
Linda Nolan was right on it when the drinks got delivered. Don't blame her. Get Jim drunk and get him ejected. AGGRESSIVE? Etc.
I'm actually enjoying this launch show! What is going on? Just heard there's no live feed though, that's a bit of a bummer. I enjoyed that little bit from midnight to three, and I have a tablet now, so could cuddle it in bed like the world's biggest loser.
Is Dappy bitching about his image? Put a sock in it! Or just stand next to Tulisa.
Lee Ryan in next! Also an idiot. Fantastic. I have a secret, I fancy Lee Ryan a bit. I think it's his jug ears, because he sings like he's got his willy trapped in a door. Lee is a team player. That's lucky. What's that jacket he's wearing? He looks like a snooker player. Oh my God, it's a whole suit. Wait til he sees Dappy's, he'll be well jel. Lee Ryan is the best one out of Blue.
Casey looks like more the sort of housemate we expect; a glamour girl! I can cope with one or two when they've put this many obnoxious twats in the house. I think I might end up liking Lee and Dappy.
Next up is Ollie from Made in Chelsea. I hate to say it, but I fancy him, too. I've never seen that show but I've seen him ON things. I prefer his long hair, though. Hopefully Ollie will be like Ben Duncan. I love posh people, anyway. All of them! Except the Royals.
Oh poor Ollie, chained to Lionel Blair. At least we've HEARD of these people. My ex boyfriend has a pair of Lionel Blair's trousers, because they were in a play together and Lionel took a liking to him. Is that libelous? It's just hearsay! Apparently Lionel is straight. I'll just leave that there.
Ok, so I'm running out of steam now. Are we done? We're never done, are we? There's always some stupid twist. Oh, the twist is the handcuffs. Well, I can handle that.
Oh, two more. Luisa from The Apprentice. I don't watch The Apprentice because it's a dead format. Unlike Big Brother which can basically go on forever. She's just going on about being bi, basically. She has impressive eyebrows. I can't think of any Alan Sugar jokes.
Last in, Evander Holyfield. I'm guessing they spent a few quid on him. Looks like they've spent a few quid all round, actually. I know nothing about this guy apart from his ear getting bitten off. He seems pretty awkward. Not too keen on being handcuffed either. Don't you just hate men like that?
I can't take my eyes off Daffy's suit. At least Jim won't be racist with a black boxer in the house. Will he?!
Why has everyone got their name tags on wonky? Sack the props department!
That's quite an impressive side parting Dappy's got going on there. How tall is he, four foot? Are they sure it was a horse that kicked him and not a Shetland pony?
So Linda and Jim got to free one pair and could choose themselves. Bet they don't. People are always acting like do-gooders on BBUK. On BBUS they'd be slitting throats.
Why are Jim and Linda separating Dappy and Liz?! They are ruining the magic! Boo! Liz and Dappy WERE happy together! Oh no! Dappy and Liz are up for eviction. That fucking blows. It better be a vote to save. They are potentially the two most interesting in there.WHY with all the stupid twists! WHY!!! Just as I'm enjoying myself everything is RUINED!
BTW: for those who care, podcast tomorrow, AM. I am going to start drinking as soon as I wake up just for the benefit of it. I will bleed every last drop of this Christmas holiday before I go back to work! See you there.

Christmas Top of the Pops 2013

It's that time of the year again - time to be sat in a room and tortured. No, not being in the same vicinity as your family for Christmas, but by facing the onslaught of Christmas TOTP. I've blogged this for the past few years, so I suppose it's a tradition, like having a festive punch up, or puking up. 

With the spectre of Jimmy Saville hanging over the show - and now the reminder of real-life monster Ian Watkins (no, not that one) permeating round Fearne Cotton - we look to Reggie Yates for some wholesome entertainment, ha. Heaven help us. 

First up, John Newman. I don't know who that is. He sounds like he has a mouth full of biscuits. It's like Prof Green, Plan B and James Arthur have been mashed into one person, as if the three of them weren't bad enough (I actually like James Arthur, even though that's not socially acceptable). 

Oh no, I'm not going to know who anyone is, am I? Old age! I curse you. 

My mums boyfriend just came in to discuss Ian Watkins. Fearne Cotton: you are now firmly associated with baby rape. I don't think even she deserves this. 

I have seen Chase and Status on some Glastonbury footage, I think. Is anything new anymore? Everything is referencing or sampling something else. Dear God, I AM OLD. 

Next up: Boyzone. Gately was the only likeable one, really. One looks like a potato. One ruined Corrie. One has tattoos and some quirky eyebrows. One 'nearly got punched in a fight, it's alright.' But is it? 

I don't understand this Rizzle Kicks thing. It sounds like Suggs. It makes me want to smash a cup, too. Is that a trombone? Yegads. 

Who is Tom Odell? Is he for those who find Ed Sheeran a bit perky? 

Ah, here's Jessie J, she'll get things going. Seriously, who are her fans? I've never met one. She's channelling Brian Molko with 'your only friend is your phone.' Except he's good. I would happily watch her burn. BURN! Burn her. 

I'm getting hungry now. My mum's boyfriend is shocked I don't know who this indie band is - Bastille. The frontman looks like Nick Grimshaw. There's too many beards in indie at the moment. I refuse to like any band containing more than one beard. This is not doing anything for me. No amount of confetti can melt my grinch heart. 

The Saturdays look waxy. Have they been reanimated? Does anyone know anything about any of these women? They are like girlband Sims. There's not a personality between five of them. And a couple of bras wouldn't go amiss. People are eating. 

Oh God, not more garage! Is garage back now? I missed who this was but it's another Plan B type, someone looking creepy in a coat, and sounding like Daniel Beddingfield. Is this what we want from a popstar? I didn't ask for this.

Even my mum - who you'd think was the target audience - is appalled by the sight of James Blunt. Imagine being in James Blunt's backing band. I'd rather be Jedward's guitarist. The drummer's got his scarf on, ready to leave. It's like watching Prince William get up to sing a carol at Christmas. 

There's now an argument going on about bread sauce. This is in real life, not on TOTP. 

I'm getting fucked off now. Not more shouty sub-garage, sub-trance, sub-drum-and-bass. This is virtually the same song that was on at the start. I need a wee. There's no pause. I want my dinner. 

Is there no rap or rock in the world anymore? 

Ellie Goulding is so awful she's making me pine for Olly Murs. 

Who are OneRepublic? Is this a man band? Who's the audience for this turkey shit? This band is seedy. 

My mum is upset that McFly haven't been on. I think even I'm upset that McFly haven't been on. That's how bad this has been. 

And number one is... Sam Bailey. Oh well, at least after today I'll never have to hear this song again. Happy Christmas. 

Live: Placebo at Brixton Academy (16 December 2013)

I arose from my pit to go to my annual gig last night (although I think I saw Desaparecidos this year too) and staggered out to Brixton Academy to see Brian and the boys (and girl). I decided on my usual no coat/ no drinks policy to get as close as possible: I didn’t count on pissing down rain and a car going through a puddle at high speed in Brixton soaking us from head to foot. Oh, well. At least any beer splashed on me after this point seemed harmless.

We just caught the end of support act Toy, who looked quite decent, and slinked down the side, so we were one place behind the barrier on the side (my favourite spot). The people around us seemed quite normal. So far, so good.

No dirgy intro vids with Placebo (I’m looking at you, Morrissey), they hit the stage promptly soon after nine, opening with crappy single B3 –‘ passion flower, catherine wheel’, check. Still it was exciting to see our Brian on the stage. I knew the set would be new album heavy which I didn’t mind as I really like the new album but they played such a lot of other songs that it didn’t seem that way. I wanted to hear a mix of brand new or quite old, and I wasn’t disappointed.

 Loud Like Love was the first one they played and ‘breathe, breathe, believe’ sounded epic at this volume (and right by the speakers).

The last album was only touched on with the Gameboy kitsch of For What It’s Worth and later, Speak in Tongues, which was pretty much the right balance (although I did miss Battle for the Sun). Me and my boyfriend exchanged glances when they played Twenty Years as neither of us like it, as it seems to go on for twenty years, but actually the second half of the song is quite good live. I might need to give it another chance. They followed it with the unmatchable Every Me, Every You (the only time a song has ever been ‘reimagined’ live to be better than the original) which really got the energy going. The couple next to me were very enthusiastic!

Too Many Friends was brilliant and made highly ironic by all the camera phone idiots filming it whilst Brian sang the line, ‘when all people do all day, is stare into a phone’. The camera phones, and the size of them, do make me feel a bit old, and the bouncers were like vultures, pouncing on anyone who was filming rather than taking a pic. One particularly annoying girl got hers knocked out of her hand by a bouncer after he’d told her a few times, and it seemed to stop working, which cheered me up immensely, as she’d been bumping into me about five minutes before. Thems the breaks, indeed.

Scene of the Crime was really good (handclaps! Washing machine!) and Rob the Bank is gloriously stupid. A nice surprise was Space Monkey, one of many tracks off Meds to follow (although sadly not Because I Want Youuuuuuuuu-ooooooo). My boyfriend recognised Space Monkey long before I did. I must admit, I still do pine for the toy megaphone. I think a computer does the voice distortion now. Still, better than when he just did it with his own hands one year. Space Monkey and all the fab Meds songs bring back memories of the best Placebo Gig EVER Rock am Ring, with the sunset going down. I think we must have watched that about 20 times. Not that I was there. But I wish I had been. There were some good visuals for Space Monkey going on at Brixton, too. Next they played Blind, which is OK, but I don’t think I can ever get over the lyrics of ‘your eyes forever glued to mine’ – ouch.

It was lovely to hear Meds (was dancing quite a bit by this point) and not at all lovely to hear the terrible Song to Say Goodbye – not helped by a vertically challenged little dick trying to pick a fight with me. ‘Is there space there for a midget?’ No there isn’t, plus I’M a midget. He ended up pushing my boyfriend, which is always delightful. I just love leaving the house and mingling with the human race!

Anyway, this ended up as a bit of a result for me, as my boyfriend moved me in front of him, out of the midget eyeline, and I ended up having a better spot, just in time for the singalong greatness of Special K. The crowd was really going mad by this time, and there was a great atmosphere. By the time the first notes of The Bitter End kicked in, the roof was off. Yeah, I said it! The roof was off. Amazing.

After the encore, they came back and did the slowed down version of Teenage Angst (I’d prefer the normal version) and the epic Running Up That Hill. I love the way Brian sings ‘God’ as ‘Gaaaaaaad’.

The best part though, were the final two songs of Post Blue ‘It’s in the water, baby’ and the unstoppable Infrared. I was amazed they did so much off Meds, and if there’s a better line on record than ‘Someone call the ambulance/ there’s gonna be an accident’ I’d like to hear it. Just a fantastic way to end.

Brian doesn’t say much, but he doesn’t need to, the songs do the talking. He and Stefan have a great rapport with the crowd, and with each other, and looked genuinely happy to be there. And despite a puddle and a self-proclaimed midget threatening to ruin things, the force than is Placebo could not be ruined. Thanks for a good night, Brian.