Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Some of my friends are gay

Fucking hell, I was just watching the end of the live feed from yesterday and Christian (John Partridge, whatever) just invited Jonathan to go and see his musical IN NORTHAMPTON. Yes you are reading this correctly, Jonathan is coming to my home town, Northampton. Hope he brings Scott Disick, he would fucking love the Roadmender. OMG my head is going to explode at this news. However, the article I read also said they may be letting Christian LEAVE THE HOUSE to rehearse IN NORTHAMPTON. This is like Rylan's X Factor tour rehearsals all over again. But in Northampton. OMG. I am agog. Stop the press.
Anyway, there was some more good stuff on the live feed but I'll save some nuggets for the podcast, which is unfortunately not going to be happening until Sunday as I'm on my tod tonight. Drinking alone, and probably shouting at the TV. Good times.
So I spoke to my mum today and she thinks Christopher Maloney and Daniella used to be a couple. Will you tell her or shall I? She was probably shitfaced on her two for a fiver bottles of wine while watching.
I'm worried Winston will stay on a vote to save? Am I mad?
'David is volumising his hair' or 'head' as Gemma said. OMG the Irish thicko just made me laugh with his 'did you get your money back on your hair transplant' to David. LOLs. He's my fave thicko now.
Angie: 'I was addicted to heroin and I called my gynaecologist to inject me with valium. It was no big deal.' Angie and her son seems like a sad story. I don't even have anything funny to say about that. 
Nancy doesn't like being perved on my the creepy Winston. Don't blame her. Meanwhile he tells Tiffany she's allowed to eat a sandwich but not a blamanche while keeping her body in shape. Very gallant. 'If we were in here for two weeks you'd fall in love with me. If you coul get your body in shape you could have so much more work.'
Daniella is NOT forgiving Christopher one bit. He has been disloyal. She is like the mafia. I wouldn't fuck with her. She is NOT happy. He's fucked man, he needs to sleep with one eye open. She HATES HIM.
Winston get a warning for being a sexist pig. He's so offensive I don't even find him offensive, really. It's just too ridiculous. 'Lacivious', that's a big word, Big Brother, don't make Megan spell it, whatever you do. 'Nancy was getting undressed right next to my bed and making a big deal of it!' Victim blame, much? 'If they want to stay on the shop floor and act that way.' THE SHOP FLOOR! Think about that for a minute. Then he runs to all the dummies in the house and goes 'have I ever groped you?' Fuck off. The fact those two thick bitches don't think he's inappropriate says it all. They are self-sexists.
Stephanie blaming someone for 'saying something as it's risky to Winston.' Shut the fuck up.
Kristina is sharing 'very private news' on Big Brother. Has there ever been a pregnant woman in the Big Brother house before? Except Makosi, of course. Oh, Kimberly. I'd forgotten that as she wasn't a human. They cut that a bit short anyway. Too happy, probably. They want to show more arguments.
Winegate! A Big Brother staple. Poor Nancy, she's getting fucked about from every angle. Note it was all the cunts drinking the wine. Megan 'did not mean to do it in a bad way.' Go through someone's stuff and nick things. It's like Alicia's bananas all over again. I liked the fact Christian said Nancy can say what she wants about calling Megan a little girl. Stephanie is a twat as well. The way she jumped in was so annoying. I knew she was rotten. She's a bad egg.
Ah, a classic Big Brother shitstir task. I loved Jonathan calling Scotty a barbarian for sleeping with 1000 women. Is that like David Gest's 1000 cousins? Can you imagine if a woman said it? He must be riddled. Jonathan is the only person who can read so is quizmaster. All the UK people have the mental age of three year olds. Still, at least they can cook.
Kristina plugging her book during the task, ha. Please, let me never hear the words 'David Gest' and 'oral sex' in the same sentence again. I can't. I'm getting Michael Douglas flashbacks.
I'm kind of impressed with the threesome on the wedding day thing, that's like real rockstar behaviour. I wonder who the third party was? 
Winston described 'adoption by gay couples as child abuse'. Christian read that out rather jauntily, as if it was 'loves snuggling kittens'. But turns out that was the calm before the storm.
Darren Day was spending 2K a week on coke? Joseph pays well, doesn't it. Danielle was probably spending 4K. She probably looks at Darren and thinks 'lightweight.' Did he sell his hoover? He didn't even have the technicolour dreamcoat to sell.
Winston's 'hell yeah man!' to his homophobic comments was fascinating to watch for the other people's faces. Maloney looked like he was going to gag and Christian looked like he'd just smelt a fart.
'Christophobia!' Is that hating Christopher Maloney? Winston declaring he's not homophobic as Christian and Christopher sit weeping, lol. Great telly. Winston, we've seen your VT! Backs against the wall! Play it to the house! I liked Kristina cuddling John/Christian.
You can't blame the press for shit that comes out of your own mouth, Winston.
One of the thickos goes, 'Don't bully the fucker, we're all entitled to our opinions.' This was the one I liked, they're back equal again now. Who said 'everyone is entitled to believe in whatever they believe?' That's balls. Actually, you're not entitled to state homophobic opinions on UK Big Brother. Oh, except in your VT.
I liked Christians face when he had his tongue out and his teeth batred like he was going to kill Winston, literally visually seething and then wanted to give Winston his case. He is a BIG TIME gamer. He's playing the game right now. He's playing it REAL GOOD. Also, why is he still wearing his ballet dancing box-issue cycling shorts and muscle vest?
Ha, Angie has spent 35 years fighting for gay rights. The new Dickinson/Visage! 'Mincing straight arsehole?' That's a weird insult.
Stephanie is doing the 'not for adults' loveheart hands. Embarrassing.
Kristina is safe! No shit. That pre-planned pregnancy strategy was a blinder.
Hold on one minute! Now Emma tells us the housemates get to decide who goes between the final two housemates. WHAT THE FUCK! Why did I just spend 50p saving Nancy then?! You CAN'T ask people to vote and then tell them that afterwards, surely it's not even legal. I'm gonna take Emma on Judge Rinder. That is RIDICULOUS. Have a free vote and then fuck around as much as you want but don't take my cash and pull that shit. That is a joke. And I couldn't give a fuck about 50p. It's the principle! What's the T&Cs on that shit?
OK, second show, and thank god for the reprieve cos I had to rewatch half of that just to wrap my head around the sheer aggogleness of it all. 
The housemates have to choose who goes now by holding that person to their chest. They are failing to understand basic rules. IT'S NOT THAT HARD.
Now we'll see who the true gamers are. Jeremy voted to evict Nancy. Fail. You're next, buddy! YOU'RE GOING HOME, BITCH.
Jonathan: 'It's time for Winston to go.' I like this now cos it's more painful for Winston. Tiffany has gay friends, y'all. Darren's brother is gay, you know.
So as usual a black person goes first, you total racists, hahaha. Just kidding.
13 votes for Winston, LOL. Should have been a clean sweep. Jeremy clearly supports hate. Boo to him!
I hope Winston feels like a piece of shit. I hope that public shaming made him feel as bad as he makes others feel. I'm glad it rained on him, too. Should have played 'It's raining men.'
Can't wait to see Jeremy's meltdown on the live feed now. Finally I learnt his name! To go against the baying mob is bold. To defend a homophobe! What's Nancy done that's so bad?! He's gonna shit himself. And rightly so.
So Winston is backtracking in his interview, smart move, mate. He's being 'portrayed' as a people hater. Yeah, damn you Big Brother. Stop putting words in his mouth. It's all in the edit, etc.
He's a Christian! There's only one good Christian and that's Christian from Eastenders. Winston makes Zainab look tolerant. Ha, he is not backing down on the child abuse statement. Ick. he should be kicked off and Rylan should refuse to interview him.
'So many women in the house are insecure.' Not surprised with you calling them fat.
He's a red blooded male, Emma, give him a break. 'Here are your best bits.' Should have just cut to white noise.
I actually think Emma handled him reasonably well (for her).
PS: Isn't it nice that Marcus Bentley pronounces Angie Bowie right? ;)
PPS: Our launch night podcast is still limping along! Check it out, you slaaaaaaaags.

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: It's just panto

Was watching last night's live feed and it struck me that Thicky McThick #1 and Thicky McThick #2 are so cretinous that even Mike Judge couldn't have conceived of them. They make Beavis and Butthead look like Stephen Fry chatting to Will Self.about the meaning of life. Hollyoaks and Ex on the Beach aren't much better: making you pine for the days when Amy Childs was in the house, because at least she inspired an amusing comedy sketch once. We can only pray they bring back the glittery toilet roll of doom and evict these people quick smart like they did with Keiran and whatsherface (but sadly not Danny Wisker).
I am still somewhat shocked at how attractive Nancy D'ellolio is IRL: every photo of her I've ever seen of her made her look dreadful. I bet she was well narked about old scraggy-necked Queen of High-Handedness Ulrika stealing her man. Even if it was Sven Goran Erikson. I enjoyed Gemma asking Nancy: 'Was he sexy in real life?' on the live feed. Maybe he smelt really good or something.
Angie Bowie is a bit dotty, isn't she? She has something of a Courtney Love vibe about her. I enjoyed her saying how much she fancied Asian men on the live feed, Kristina pulling a face and then them instantly cutting to bird feed and the little fella pictured above (I like to think of him as the new Mr Buns).
Jonathan to Gemma: 'You look like a young Anna Nicole Smith.' Amazing bullshit.
Jonathan looks fucking terrified of Marmite. 'I'm picky... I'll try it.' Pulls face. 'It's sour.' It's gross. Tastes like shit.
Christopher Maloney bemoaning 'keyboard warriors' to David Gest. Better than cruise ship singers, mate. Like David Gest gives a fuck what people think online. I've heard all Gest's stories ten million times but you don't resent him for it, he's like an old war hero.
Jonathan's perturbed about Nancy's fame. 'Not even a football player?' Hold on, you're just someone's best friend. Bit rich. At least Nancy fucked Sven. And that can't have been easy.
I've changed my mind about thinking Gemma is OK, by the way, she's annoying as fuck. So that's that cleared up.
Winston and Gemma discussing immigration: I can't even.
Scotty Twat thinks Nancy has a crush on him. He wishes. Gemma thinks he's marriage material? He's not even worth a squirt, to use his sort of terminology. He wouldn't even make a decent cumbucket.
Megan: 'What does pandemonium mean?' Embarrassing for the nation, isn't it? Even Reign Disick probably has a better grasp on the English language than this thick sub-that-one-Jeremy-off-Baywatch-groped-and-got-thrown-out-for-who-looks-like-Rylan bitch. Jonathan talking about going out to dinner with the Kardashians. Bigger than Beiber. LOL. I'm not sure Jonathan 'gets anything he wants'. He doesn't even get to come out, the poor fucker.
I think Scotty T is wearing cycling shorts. Not sure why but eek pile for him.
Ah, OK, here's the standard shitstir task to unlock the box or something. Scotty T, Hollyoaks and Scotty T 2 have been named the most annoying. Ah what, they're not even having to line up in order of 'most famous' etc. I think that would actually be technically impossible this year, lol. Heads would explode.
Does Megan know what any word means? 'What does monogamy mean?' Bet she knows what 'magazine deal' means. These four (the two himbos and the two thick girls) make me pray for a zombie apocalypse.
So Tiffany is biding her time to start a row. Good strategy. Don't give them an excuse to kick out a black woman week 1. They don't need one. They'll find one.
So Christopher and Daniella fell out over a panto where Daniella got replaced by Nikki Grahame. What the fuck. It's just panto, etc. I don't think Daniella even knows Christopher exists. I'm not sure Christopher does even exist. I do know this is not the full story. I like the fact later Daniella said 'we'll talk tomorrow.' Yeah, make him wait, make him sweat, like when Rick made Morgan come to the headmaster's office in The Walking Dead. The poor cunt won't sleep a wink tonight.
So the box housemates are back in the house. What a pointless waste of everyone's (air)time.
Why are they letting Dumb and Dumber and Sinead O Connor nominate? I doubt if they can even spell their own names. Of all the fucking people! They're bound to nom the oldies. Boo! Jeremy (whoever he is) nommed Nancy. Scotty Twat nominated Winston (thank God). Stephanie nommed Kristina. Don't know why. What's the point of getting out the housemates who might actually have lived lives and have stories to tell? I'd still rather Winston stayed and fucked himself rather than got evicted. WHY! Why do that?!!!!! ARGH! WHEN WILL YOU LEARN HOW TO RUN YOUR OWN SHOW? Why not let Darren, Christian and Daniella do it? They've been locked up, FFS.
Bed wars begin. Where's Fatman Scoop when he's needed? Winston 'would not share a bed with a man, not even his brother' presumably because he couldn't control himself. I pity him.
Angie had a row with Jonathan and called him an 'obnoxious American' (er...) but apparently the cameras were off at that point. 'That creature' - ha.
I wish Jonathan was obnoxious. It would mean he had a personality. I've still got my fingers crossed, though.
OMG Winston creeping on Tiffany is the creepiest thing on earth. 'Get under the sheet!' Get out of the house, Winston. You're making Red Holdsworth look civillised.
Gemma is being the moral compass of the group. Boring and annoying. Then Winston tried to grope Nancy. Dear God. What a pervert. Oh shit, it's vote to save. Can he survive? Surely not? I'm gonna VTS Nancy! Kristina needs more airtime.
And so a black man will be the first out. But he is a black racist homophobe, so we've kind of been painted into a corner. Our backs are against the wall. YOU GOTTA GO!

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Fame, fame, fatal fame

Apologies for last night's podcast, I was off my nut. The fact it even got posted is a small miracle. There will be also no more pods until the end of the weekend as my cohort is working so you'll have to just put up with my highly biased and offensive views here or on Twitter. Talking of which, I saw Emma 'impartial' Willis on This Morning today saying 'there wasn't time' to call Winston out on his homophobic views on launch night. But there WAS time not to put him in the house after a homophobic VT, right? Stoooopid. Why is it OK to say it in a VT but not in the house? Offcom, can you make sense of it? Me neither.
So let's recap; SIXTEEN housemates and I still don't know what vaudeville is. Well at least we know they're going for quantity, not quality. I've only watched half the live feed so far but I can already see at least half of them are a waste of airtime (Hollyoaks, Geordie Shore, Ex on the Beach etc).
My main task for tonight is going to be remembering the difference between Scotty T and Jeremy, something I fundamentally failed last night.
So Daniella Westbrook and Christopher Maloney have beef. What's that about then? Have I got to google it myself or something? What is this? I know, I'll ask Siri. Shit, she told me! It's cos he's friends with her ex boyfriend or some boring shit. It's not exactly Phil Mitchell vs Ian Beale is it?
They are recapping mercifully fast. 'Is that a pimp?' Indeed.
Jonathan: 'Wow, this place looks like a nuthouse.' Seeing Jonathan off KUWTK in CBB is like running into someone from your work on the nightbus. They shouldn't be there and it freaks you out and you might possibly be dribbling or gurning. Jonathan's like: 'who the fuck are you people?' 'Weeeeeeelll, she slept with someone.' 'Oh.' Mind you, what's he famous for? Eating salad? Also, I put a fiver on him to win last night at 40/1 when I was pissed. I do like flushing money down the toilet.
Jonathan and Gemma becoming besties would be great. He loves girls with clothes shops, just look at Dash Dolls. He just doesn't sleep with them. Small problem, he can't understand a word Gemma's saying. Nae bother. It will just be something like 'I fink you're lovely! We're all gonna get along forever and go on holiday togevver in St Barts with Mason and Malika!'
I love it when everyone smokes. All the best people smoke on BB and the celebs smoke more than everyone. All the scuttlebutt goes down round the ashtray. And I don't even smoke. But I recognise that it is the cool thing to do. Don't you think it's weird when celebs smoke rollies? I mean, everyone I know smokes rollies, but can't Jonathan Cheban afford some Silk Cut? He is the CEO is the Kim Kardashian fanclub, after all. He also has a great line in wigs. He should hook David 'paintball' Gest up.
Winston: 'All the weaklings will die very quickly.' Let's hope so... all the people who got paid under 10K to go in there, so all the MTV thickos.
I quite like the Christian/John and Darren Day dynamic. They both seem unexpectedly normal.
Gest may have no kids, but he's got so many names to drop he keeps some at his aunt's house.
Hold on, is Angie putting David Bowie on blast? You can't mess with Jareth. He'll get the whole goblin city on your case. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER HIM! Your son doesn't NOT talk to you 'because David told him to.' There's gotta be more to it than that. Life's not that simple! Not even on mars. Come on, Ange, what did you do?
So it's Tiffany's 34th birthday (allegedly). Good gaming on Gemma's part there giving her shoes to her. It's like the Dan Gheesling grandfather's watch strategy all over again. Masterful.
Tiffany is 'Genna' to the end. I give it three days before they have a fistfight. It's all happy, happy house for three days, then Armageddon. Except when Farrah's there, then it's an atomic bomb on the first night and it all ends in tears and broken flip flops.
Oh, shit, who's running the kitchen? Watch yourself! Beware the ides of Vinnie Jones/Carole/Pauline/ Lisa. Sinead: 'I can cook bacon, toast and scrambled egg.' I don't think you 'cook' toast. Still, always good when toast gets a mention on Big Brother, whether it be Marc shoving it into his drunken face or Jackjoe imploring they eat it rather than make a toast, or Austin Armacost tearing Chloe Jasmine a new one for not toasting his dead brother. Toast is like my fifth favourite housemate of all time.
Diary room chair looks nice. There was no house tour was there? Guess there's nothing to see as it's all boxed up. Daniella is putting herself in the box instead of that prick Winston. What a trouper/true gamer.
Christopher Maloney bores me to tears. Waste of wax. I could not care less. 'It's awkward between me and Daniella but we're best friends.' Yeah, whatevs. Get back to Butlins.
So this Winston has gone from Tory to Democrat to UKIP mixing, like a prototype Loose Woman. He's still a homophobic twunt, though.
People on Twitter are making fat jokes about Gemma (very intelligent) but I don't mind her. She seems quite genuine and possibly shrewd, too. Could go deep with no maggots about!
Jonathan 'doesn't survive conversations like that' ie. Winston banging on. Yet he survives being driven round with no seatbelt on with Kim Kardashian driving whilst talking into her phone. What gives?
Darren Day bragging he used to go out with Isla Fisher. LOL. It's funny how things change, isn't it? A list, Z list, they're all just letters of the alphabet that Danny Wisker doesn't know.
This Megan showmance thing needs to be shot in the face before it begins. We already suffered through Ricci and Lauren. Save us. Gemma: 'Let him work for it.' ie. let him wait two nights to sleep with you. The man is so thick he needs subtitles. I don't want to see it mate.
I laid down on a towel earlier like Daniella is doing now because I was hungover at work today, because of Big Brother's launch and half a bottle of vodka. It was quite comfy.
Drug talk in the box. Real talk. Daniella and Darren: the beak files, the fame files. I like everyone in the box. They all seem normal. I think Daniella is actually a smart woman who just got really fucked up on drugs. They really got a hold on her, just like Eminem prophesied in his Drug Ballad.
There's nothing worse than someone trying to stoke up a fauxmance. Stop it, Gemma. You're not at school. It's not written in the stars. It's written in crayon, in a magazine deal.
The jury is still out on how the show will go so far; depends who they focus on. There are definitely some interesting characters in there. But will the producers let us experience them? You decide.

Celebrity Big Brother 2016: Launch night

Welcome to 2016! Do you know what vaudeville is? Me neither. Still, as Big Brother themes don't really matter, and nor does the house, who cares? Do you know what else doesn't matter? If you've never heard of the celebrities. Remember when Austin Armacost entered stage left 6 months ago? We thought, 'who is this prick?' Turned out, he was a legacy housemate. So let's not bemoan the non celebs (unless they're from TOWIE or Geordie Shore or they look annoying).
Fuck me, 16 people. This could be a long night.
No furniture.... I've never seen that before! Ahem. How long before the electric shock suits?
First up: Gemma Collins. We believe that people who've been in the jungle shouldn't be allowed in CBB. She's come as one of the Loose Women. They're booing her! Boo, etc. She doesn't like tasks? But she's got a designer vagina. Weeeeeellll. Eek or chic for her outfit? I'm going eek for the cape and hair. The glitter eyeshadow scourge continues into 2016. Make it stop.
Next in: Christian from Eastenders aka John Partridge. Christian kind of brought together me and my boyfriend together in a way. I'm glad he's had his hair cut, it looks much better. It's a shame it's not Syed, his boyfriend in Eastenders, he's hot as hell. Christian looks a bit waxy and he's wearing a rollneck. I'm giving him half an eek.
Gemma Collins has got the hump cos there's no champers available. Can't blame her.
I like Daniella Westbrook. She once sold her hoover to buy cocaine. My boyfriend reckons that picture of her with a missing septum is 'a bad angle'. That's a hell of a bad angle. Can you snore with no septum? You think all the air would go through smoothly. She said she's going to sleep the whole time. Great. Not sure about her hair.
Christopher Maloney is like a more low rent Stevi Richie. I just remember him going on about his nan incessantly on X Factor. His plastic surgery hasn't worked unless he took in a picture of a ventriloquist dummy or Stephen Mulherne. Is he vaudeville themed? Crowd chanting 'who are you' and 'off'. He has his own 'fetus group' called Christopher Maloney academy. Sorry, theatre group. His hairline is pretty weird.
Next in is Tiffany, off Flavor of Love. She seems like a cunt. Head bitch in charge and black woman = early boot! She seems quite cheerful in front of the crowd. No idea who she is.
What's that giraffe doing at the top of the stairs? I'm putting some cash on him FTW. I like the chandeliers. I've just ordered some gaudy chandeliers from Argos.
Darren Day - also a jungle reject. Why is he talking so gruff? We like our fanny rats a bit more squeaky. He's there for the child support, sorry, challenge. He's a fan of 'the last three series'. Is that just CBB or the civvy one with Jackjoe?
Megan is from Ex on the Beach. Great. Had a twitter feud with Ellie Goulding so I'm on her side. I can't STAND Ellie Goulding. She doesn't like people breathing LOL. She doesn't like people eating yoghurt in front of her either. Lucky Brian Belo isn't in there then. Luckily Helen put pay to that. What's with the Princess Anne hair?
Next up is a boxer/politician Winston. My boyfriend says he recognises him off the Big Questions. He says he's 'flamboyant but 'I'd cope with a homosexual in the house by standing against a brick wall all the time'. Isn't that the sort of language that gets you kicked out? Has also come out dressed as a pimp. These are some mixed messages or what. He's shaking hands with the gay men! Now he's caught the gay! Hahahaha! Sucker.
Now it's the halfway point they're throwing in some annoying twist. The most decisive housemate had to stand up. Christian/John has to send two people to live in a box.
Christian and Darren are volunteering to go in the box because they're true gamers. James 'They're like the new suffragettes.' You shouldn't be allowed to put yourself in! Cop out. Ted, sort it out.
Gary Busey wouldn't have got in that crawl space. Nor would GC (possibly).
So now they're all in the back garden and something's happening. I'm not sure what.
Suitcases! FFS. Shred shred shred. Can we have an original idea please? Christopher lost his suitcase. Oh well.
It will be a shame not to see Winston's other clothes. Hold on, no men have their suitcases, ha. Daniella's already lost her vacuum cleaner, now she's lost her suitcase. Have a heart.
Next in David Gest. He was funny in the jungle, I'll give him that. He looks like a cross between Jackson Galaxy and David Blaine. Too many jungle people though! Boo! I don't approve of grabbing Emma Willis's bump. Hands off. Everyone going 'everyone's been booed' to David Gest but he got cheered, ha. Eat it.
Ugh Geordie Shore. Scotty T. He's got a wicked chopper. I can't understand what he's saying. He looks like Christopher Maloney. Gross.
Next in is someone off Strictly Come Dancing. Kristina. At least it's not James Jordan. She's a woman so likes cooking and cleaning. Ok then. Is she James Jordan's wife? Or the new Gail Porter. Either way, fail.
Is vaudeville sexist? It seems to consist of women waving feathers about.
CHEBAN CHEBAN! It's Kim Kardashian's bestie Jonathan Cheban. I only know who he is because I was out of work earlier this year and became addicted to to the Kardashians. He is the CEO of something. He doesn't know how to cook because he just goes out to dinner with Kim and eats salad. Yet he owns a chain of restaurants. This doesn't add up. I said earlier this year I wanted to know Jonathan's back story, like Morgan in the Walking Dead. Finally I can find out. He's pretending to have a personality and everything. Normally he's just brown-nosing Kim and co. I asked on Twitter recently if Jonathan and Kanye have ever been been in the same room. I still think the answer's no.  I liked it when Kim Kardashian's 72 day husband spent a whole episode asking if Jonathan was gay and the answer was basically 'yes'. But he's got a girlfriend, so he can't be, right?
Next in is Angie Bowie. At least now we can talk about Labyrinth. 'Cats are cats.' OK. Good to have an old person in there for balance. I like her hashtag; BANGIE. I like her outfit, very glam.
Stephanie Davis: 'You might know me from playing Sinead O Connor in Hollyoaks.' What the fuck? Has she been ripping up pictures of the of the pope? Everything is open apparently. We like an open housemate. The real Sinead O Connor tried to buy some crack on her wedding day. This one says 'I'm completely crazy.' Self-proclaimed crazy. God help us. And the pope.
OK, so I'm pretty drunk now. God help me.
Next in is Jeremy McGrabMeCock. DISGUSTING! He has one of those t-shirts with a low v-neck. Were they ever in fashion? 'He might like a packet of crisps or a sports drink.' What!? He is talking pure gobbledygook. He has a tattoo up his neck and a waistcoat on and he's a model. Is that what fame is now? Is it?!
At this point I've completely lost it.
Last in: Nancy Dell'olio. Shouldn't they save the best for last? Ulrika, her mortal enemy won it. She basically fucked a weasel-faced football manager about ten years ago. These people are irrelevant!
Christian and Darren are on gruel. Daniella W has her arse crack hanging out like Jackjoe. Christian wants gruel so the rest of the house get to eat caviar and shit.
Sorry about this blog, the show was too long, there were too many housemates, and I drank too much. On with the podcast.