Big Brother Canada – Everyone in this house makes me sick

We’re halfway through Big Brother Canada, and I have to say, I’ve been really enjoying it, apart from a few mental twists (why bother saving Suzette that week? And how unfair was the instant eviction – on AJ AND Topaz?) Casting has been very good on the whole, there’s not much deadwood, although some of the big characters went early (the idiotically self-obsessed and self-proclaimed ‘humanitarian and philanthropist’ Liza still had a lot more scheming in her and it would have been fun to see her come unstuck later down the line, as well as seeing how her ‘relationship’ with Peter played out once that bonehead Tom was gone). Talking of Tom, as ridiculous as he was, it was a shame to see him go, taking all his bluff, bluster, homophobia and protein powder with him. I was hoping he was going to punch someone.

The big heartbreak, though came this week, when we saw Gary Glitter leave the house and be deported back to Cambodia (sorry, wrong Gary Glitter). Another big shame of this series is how the house has voted in such a sheep-like fashion, and big characters have suffered at the hands of this – so I’ll always give kudos to Emmett who still gave Tom his vote, and Gary, who voted for Suzette despite the house, too. I wanted Gary to win it, but it became clear he wouldn’t early on, when he stood up for minorities, was entertaining and proved himself good at challenges. He HAD to go, bitch.

I won’t do a catch up of the whole series as we’ve done a couple of podcasts covering that, so I’ll just talk the past couple of episodes (and I’m always behind because my boyfriend does weird hours, so I don’t even know who the new Head of Household is yet… not that I really care now Gary’s gone). I will say from the quite small amount of After Dark episodes I’ve watched (and I’m far behind) that Gary did get a good edit on the highlight shows. He could be quite obnoxious and calling everyone ‘bitch’ constantly, is probably not to be advised, unlike viewer discretion.

So last Sunday’s episode saw Andrew put Gary and Topaz on the block. The mission of ethnically cleansing the house is almost complete: first Kat, then Aneal, Suzette, AJ and Gary. There’s just Topaz to go; my current favourite. Why is she my current favourite? Well, let’s see. She’s shown evidence of a spine. She’s stuck her neck out for her friend (Gary), even to the detriment of her own game. She got royally done over by Big Brother’s ‘twist’ – how unfair to be HOH and then get shafted like that. True, she was stupid to do her thinking aloud. But I wonder if BB TOLD her to do her thinking aloud? At the time I was pleased to see AJ go; but Andrew has become a paunchy megalomaniac in his absence; ‘I must avenge AJ!’ Well you didn’t, because you evicted Gary. So much for that. Mostly I feel sorry for Topaz for her ‘cuddlemance’ with Alec; a man so shallow that the only thing that’s made him cry in the house is the thought of Canada seeing his tiny, tiny penis. The only person who’s ‘soulless’ is him, and if he thinks faking romance endears him to the public, he must be as stupid as he is big-headed. I cannot WAIT to see ‘The Shield’ get their comeuppance; the only problem is, I’m scared it might not happen. And also, I barely like anyone left. In fact, apart from Topaz, the only one I have a soft spot for is Emmett. Obviously 12,000 times keener on Jillian than she is on him, I’m just waiting for the moment she leaves the knife hanging out of his back, giggling and smiling coquettishly as she does it.

So, back to Andrew, who I liked up until about a week ago. Now I see him as a huge floater; this East Coast/ West Coast BS exists purely in his own mind – like Marvin’s bolt-on alliance to the our Horsemen in BBUS – and either side will cut him as soon as look at him. I actually heard him say on the live feed, ‘I’m 38! He’s only 21.’ Can you imagine a 38-year-old playing this card? It’s like saying ‘I’m eight and three quarters.’ Tool! Ever since he shaved his sideburns off, he’s been dead to me. Worse than dead, because he evicted the actual entertainment. I would rather see the Talla win than this idiot, and she’s little better than a doorknob.

It’s funny because Talla didn’t bother me until a week or two ago, either; I think it’s because they’ve been giving her more airtime and her pathetic squealing, amateur dramatics and I’m-drunk-so-will-snog-a-girl antics are really starting to grate. No one can actually be like that, and I can’t be bothered with the fake. She’s pretty clever though, as she can just switch to whichever side has power now, and could easily float her way to the final. Peter tried to recruit her to The Shield whilst dressed as the Google incognito window dude, whilst Andrew tried to get her onto his boring, 38-year-old side. Peter did a pretty awful job of saying ‘I’ll look after you’ – even Talla didn’t look fooled. Still, playing the joker could pay off handsomely for her; it’s just a shame we have to witness it. Also; should Big Brother be letting people get so drunk on vodka they’re throwing their guts up all night and someone has to stay up with them? I’m far from uptight, but I’ve not seen someone that drunk on BB since Antony Hutton in THAT wetsuit (TV gold). People can and do choke on their own vomit in those situations, which would not be great PR for Slice, I’m sure. Also, she fell clothed into the hot tub, peed in it, and then admitted it. Once she watches this footage, this is a girl who will never drink again. Also, eww to Andrew’s comment ‘it wouldn’t be the first time a girl has peed on me.’ Bitch, please.

Which brings us onto ‘The Shield’ *does stupid X factor arms*. Surely Simon Cowell has trademarked that X Factor pose? Oh whatevs, I don’t think stupid shouty Peter and Frankenstein-hair Alec are exactly troubling his radar. I thought it was hilarious when we met Peter’s mother, who proudly said you could count the number of things Peter ate on one hand, which were BBQ potato chips, cheese pizza, French fries and chicken nuggets, adding, ‘he’s low maintenance.’ That’s not low maintenance, that’s an eating disorder. How does he stay so skinny on this amazing diet? I want to study him more at mealtimes; is he getting his own chicken nugget budget? I can’t exactly comment on people who have diets like a five-year-old, but it’s nothing to be proud of. So it was amusing when Arisa asked Peter if he was missing his family and he goes, ‘No. I only see them once a year.’ You’ve done a great job there, Peter’s mum! What does he have for Christmas dinner, cheese pizza with chicken nuggets on top? Oh, Peter. Marsha the Moose really was your finest hour, and that was about five weeks ago.

At the other end of the socially-disturbed spectrum, is Alec – aka tiny dick – who last week’s highlight was that he ‘spilt Pepsi on his pants.’ This guy is a sociopath. Topaz actually does have feelings for him, which was illustrated when she called Talla a ‘slut’ for getting into bed with him (innocently). She wasn’t angry at Talla, she was upset about Alec’s betrayal and being on the block. Not excusing her behaviour; she was wrong, but at least it was REAL. It was real emotion in the face of the crumblemance. He couldn’t give two shits.

By the way, what happened to Gary’s piñata veto ticket? That went the way of Billy’s hash he nicked from the post in Eastenders; never mentioned again. Poor Gary, denied his prize and sent to Jury with AJ. It’s a fate worse than death. It’s AJ-gatory.

The horror-themed veto was quite good (except for the outcome) – it looked genuinely gruesome and like they’d spent a few quid on it, and let’s face it, Alec already had the haircut. Finding disembodied limbs blindfolded in groo – you can’t beat it. I thought it was interesting Jillian mentioned she was a teacher – what age group does she teach, because I basically watched her shag someone on TV a while back. I don’t think you’d be going back to your teaching job after that on the UK version. I could tell Gary hadn’t won the veto by the fact they showed him kicking off at Talla at the start; that was a clip of a man with his balls to the wall. Still, it was disappointing to see Andrew win and see him get even smugger. Can you think of anything duller than an Andrew/ Talla/ Jillian final three? Jillian is a crafty one as she gives NOTHING away. I feel like I know zip about her. Except the fact she will stab Emmett in the back. She’s Lady Macbeth in waiting.

So onto Gary’s meltdown – overreaction much? Cooker-gate made his slop-strop look almost reasonable. She only asked him to turn the pan down! I think we all know it wasn’t about the cooker, but about Gary losing the veto. Even so; he should not have been that aggressive, and he was quite intimidating. In the BBUK house, you’d be taken aside and told to cool off for that behaviour – and rightly so.

A note on the editing: I didn’t like the way Thursday’s show was edited as if Gary or Topaz had already left and the focus was on who would win HOH next week. I do miss the flim-flam of BBUS and how they try and lead you up the garden path with who’s going. Everything feels like a done deal with BBCAN which ruins the suspense somewhat.

So in the end it was between my two faves, and Gary took the hit. He looked shocked but he must have known he was the bigger threat. I’m pretty sure Gary will have his own show sewn up in Canada, and I like to think of him as I saw him on the live feed the other day, going ‘My breakfast drink is vodka and coke, my lunchtime drink is a cosmopolitan, and my evening drink is…’ something I can’t remember, but the fact his ‘breakfast drink’ is vodka and coke is pretty special. Also, respect to Gary for using the word ‘naysayers’ in his exit interview. Also: the show dies here. *throws glitter on the coffin*

So we were left with them hanging off an iceberg: and boy, does Topaz need to hang on. Emmett was sitting down, I noticed, is that allowed? I don’t know who won HOH because I’m hiding from spoilers, but it’s got to be one of the girls with a task like that, as it takes a small body to win. Jillian has a great chance; but Topaz can do it. And if she really wants to stay in the house, she’ll have to. And wouldn’t it be lush to just see her take out Alec and his stupid haircut? Wouldn’t it just be… just?  

I’m really missing reading all the tweets, too, but I’m always about a week behind because of the hours my boyfriend works so I just can’t read them!  I wish I could be more interactive, but I just have to be a bit of a behind-the-times loser, instead. No change there, then. But thank you, Canada, for filling in the gap between BBUK and BBUS and also for the live feed. They’ve got a few things wrong, but they’ve done it in the name of drama, so you can’t fault them for that. Heeeeeeeeeeeey!