Big Brother UK 2016: No honour amongst (milk) thieves

Just thinking.

The warning boasts of 'vomiting and sexual scenes' which I hope happen at the same time for maximum thrills.
So there's four female housemates and eight male housemates. Good work, great British public, you sexist gits.
Jayne: '25 years ago I could have had Alex.' Gross.
Evelyn has got post-awkward cuddle with Alex regret. OMG her arse out on his lap. Dear me. The thing is, if they were outside the house, he'd bang her, he's just so caught up on his public perception (like Jason) that he doesn't want to do it in the house. Transparent. Ooh, a friend on Twitter just speculated that Alex is gay. It would certainly explain a lot and why he's twitching about his funeral speeches etc if he's that deep in the closet.
Hughie and Ryan are shoring up their alliance. Good stuff. Hughie has kind of fat fingers. Weird, cos he's not fat. Actually, I got sight of him a little later, and he has done a bit of a Jade Goody (not not racially abused a visitor to this country, put on a little weight in the house). RIP.
How were the teams picked for this sports day? Ghetto slide! BB staple. AND spin the bottle is coming up later. Win/win. Puking?! Blerrrrrgggghhh! I can't actually watch these tasks. Barf zone. I'm putting these tabards on the eek list. Insert 'Evelyn's good at swallowing' joke here- if you're a sexist, that is. Chicken feet! Marcellas flashback. Bleuuurrrghhh. I know who would be good/bad at this task: Gordon Ramsey.
Now they are racing in a 'sack full of horse manure'. How much did the task team spend on that mess? I'd say a fiver, tops. Also, you can't see them getting covered in shit, so it barely works.
Fish guts! Fucking hell, bring on the electric shock suits and we'll call it a wrap. Hughie going on about the smell of the stuff is hilarious. I like it when Hughie and Ryan argue as well as cuddle, cos it's like a real relationship.
The shit has attracted flies. Mmm.
Yay, Hughie vs Jackson. But shit, the housemates evict each other this week. Hughie needs to keep his head down (briefly!). I'm not sure Jackson screamed at Hughie.
Jackson kissing Hughie and trying to force him to smile. Sexual assault.
Andy is shitstirring in the diary room about Hughie. 'Nasty, aggressive, argumentative', shut up. Others see a nice Hughie. 'He's not thinking nice things when he looks at me.' Me either, Andy. 'I think he's made up some myth about me.' No, he just sees through your bullshit.
Jackson and Chelsea in the gangsta corner bitching about Hughie. Chelsea is like a pressure cooker waiting to go off... boof. He's going to beat someone up 'cameras or no cameras'. Chelsea: 'I've done business, you know the score, it's street all the way.' Jackson's face said it all. That was reminiscent of Jimmy Savile and Louis Theroux. Tracksuit wearing old man boasting with creepy undertones.
I think Hughie's on his period today, he's not a happy man. Ha, Jackson is grassing up what Chelsea said to Sam and Lateysha. Where's the street code when you need it? Where's the honour amongst (milk) thieves?
There's a lot of heat on Chelsea tonight. He's obviously going to get annihilated this week.
Alex is grinding on Lateysha. Maybe he fancies her more than Evelyn? Jackson is doing lots of mugging to the camera tonight. Andy's face when Evelyn was going on about Alex. Funny. Evelyn is annoying as hell. Lateysha is obviously in love with Alex.
Ryan to Hughie: 'You can sometimes take things the wrong way.' Aw. They have a such a good relationship, they are actual equals.
Andy is having a cuddle with Alex. 'I wouldn't approach you in a bar.' Ha.
Jackson to Chelsea: 'It's going round now that people are intimidated by you.' Cos you told everyone. Jackson came out of that conversation smelling of roses! Good work. 'Much respect.' Lol.
Big Brother is trying to slutshame Laura as normal. Also, a crap camera angle on the faux lesbo kiss. Will none of the men step up? The straight women are having to kiss each other for entertainment, and that was before spin the bottle!
Alex and Jayne have more chemistry than him and Evelyn. I do kind of like Jayne now, which is annoying.
Andy: 'How do you think 12 people is going to become 5 in two weeks?' Good question. ANNIHILATION! Andy is getting his knickers wet at the thought of doing face to face noms. Sadistic bastard.
Oooh this is going to be soooo cringe! Evelyn talking about Alex while he's sat on the sofa. How is the boring slab of meat going to handle this? NO EMOTION on his face as Evelyn says she wants to sit on it. I'd pretend to be asleep. I feel sorry for Evelyn, it's the WORST feeling when you get caught out like that. Haha, how will she try and style it out? How can they not see Alex there? He's not a chameleon. Mind you, he is quite inanimate.
God, the conversaition is just going ON AND ON. It's awful. Hahaha. And brilliant. Laura and Evelyn are obviously drunk and cooking AS USUAL. Ha, the moment when Laura realised Alex was sat there. HILARITY. TV GOLD. Alex is 'just thinking'. Well, we know that's a lie. I would have loved to have seen what happened next. No such luck.

Big Brother UK 2016: I'm not fussed about going to this party

Ooh my favourite, Saturday episodes where you have at least ten minutes of all the shite you saw the previous evening. My predictions for tonight: Jason pretending he cares that Charlie went even though he NOMINATED her.
Hughie shouting coming up! That's all I need.
Food has been delivered to the store room. Chick peas, kidney beans and rice. I would be dead. I like it when they starve the housemates. Sam wouldn't eat rice at home. But you're not at home, bitch. Also, there's like a lettuce on the side, so knock yourself out.
Laura and Evelyn are making a porridge pancake. Apparently it tastes gross. Pancakegate part two avoided.
Jason's looking at Charlie's boobs (sorry, trying not to look) and licking his lips.
Jayne is sure Chelsea will go. Negative. She will do somersaults if he goes. I'd like to see that.
Fucking hell, look at the colour of Andy. His skin colour is pure grey. Ugh.
Ryan and Hughie in the DR together are the best. They are being given a task to throw a party. Ryan farted and then choked to death on the smell of his own fart.
They are throwing a POO-EL party. Haha, they have to chose between pool party essentials and housemates. LOL. I'll take a inflatable phallus over Andy, please.
Haha they swapped Laura for a lilo. Then they swapped Evelyn for ice cream. And swapped Alex for music. And Andy for party food. Is there anyone left!
Ryan: 'Andy should be buzzing he's even here and not up for eviction this week.' Fair point! Hold on, they should have sacked Sam off from the pool party.
So they told EVERYONE the pool party was happening and then uninvited people after. Bit mean. But very funny. So everyone is putting their trunks on for nothing.
I love the housemates looking forward to the party: Laura wanting a sausage roll, Jason wanting a Mr Whippy. My favourite part is Ryan and Hughie twitching like hell about the whole thing.
Alex is FUMING!
Haha Hughie and Ryan making up reasons why they didn't invite people. Alex: 'So people who moan get to go to the pool party?' NO PEOPLE WITH PERSONALITIES, YOU CUNT.
Andy looks secretly thrilled not to go to the pool party. I liked Evelyn's reaction to being swapped for ice cream. It seemed to be: 'fair enough.' Jason doesn't understand the rules of the task. 'So you could have had Evelyn rather than ice cream?' But ice cream is better than Evelyn.
Andy: 'You've chosen your mates.' Well, it's true. Ha. 'The reasons you're giving are mealy mouthed.' There's only one mealy mouthed person in that house and his name is ANDY. Yesss to Ryan kicking off. Andy: 'I'm not fussed about going to the party. The reasons just don't add up.' NOT FUSSED. Is that like you weren't storming off the other night, you absolute cock?
Hughie: 'Bullshit, you're a liar and a trouble maker, so he is. Don't hedge around tings. I'M SICK OF HIM!' Join the club, mate.
Alex looks like he's going to kill someone, or at least kick a bin. Alex is like a less charming Danny Wisker, if you can imagine such a thing. Cos at least Danny Wisker had 'canoe'. And the pizza boxes. And the Marc o Neil files.
Chelsea: 'Pool party, fuck it, I don't give a shit. The weather's crap anyway.' It doesn't look that bad. It's not raining.
Laura: 'The inflatables is a kick in the teeth.' Seems like a fair swap to me.
Alex wouldn't say he's angry, he'd say he's frustrated. I bet you he kicks holes in doors, he seems the type. 'You either have to cry, moan or sleep to get anywhere in this house.' SLEEP? Yes because crying and moaning implies you are a HUMAN BEING not just some dumb rock planning for people to say something bland about you at your dull funeral. 'If you're strong or you chose to not let things get to you or put on a brave face.' You're not in the trenches, mate.
Hughie and Ryan are having a cuddle under the covers.... both wearing hats. Is that a thing?
Hold on, Jason has been called to the diary room and is EATING a biscuit. WHAT DISRESPECT. There should be NO food and drink allowed in the DR under ANY circumstances (unless for a task). So he's bitching about people breaking rules etc. 'It's time for me to get a bit more ruthless. You're gonna see another side to me.' Then he admitted he wanted Charlie to go! Ruthless.
I think Evelyn actually fancies Jason! 'You look so smart today, I can't get over it.' Jason: 'I'm not going to take your bird off you.' Alex: 'I know.' OMG he only wants Evelyn because she wants Jason!
I like Charlie and Jayne's friendship. Charlie: 'He hasn't asked once if I'm alright.' Jason's cheers still baffle the fuck out of me.
Haha I missed Jackson going 'braaaappp' when Jason was saved last night. Crrrrraaaapp more like.
Charlie looked classy going out and blanking Jason was the best. Jackson: 'You know why' to Jason and him going 'That's not going to help her.' FUCK YOU. Fuck both of you. Misogynistic cunts.
Jason going 'I wish she'd said goodbye, she walked straight past me.' YOU NOMINATED HER AND THEN SAID YOU HOPED SHE WOULD GO. Fuck you.
Hughie is pointing out the different alliances, ie. Jackson, Alex, Jason and Chelsea in the arsehole alliance.
I love Jayne sticking it to Jason in the DR at the end.
I'm putting Jackson's pork pie hat on the eek list. Jackson: 'Here's the man of the hour, now you can breathe.' Charlie never got a chance to fucking breathe, did she?
Jason feels 'indifferent' that Charlie's gone. 'Being selfish, I'm glad I'm still here.' You're ALWAYS SELFISH, BITCH. 'I take it on the chin.' You're a twat.
I don't think it's possible to get shitfaced off them tiny little cans of gin and tonic or whatever the fuck it is.
I love the Ryan/ Hughie and Jayne dynamic. The others gang! Aww. They wanted Chelsea to go.
Jayne is so right that the woman always cops it.
Chelsea was 'convinthed I was a goner.' Me too! Is he crying? 'Do you want me to be perfectly honeth? I have put zero percent into winning this game. But now I'm gonna fight for it.'
The housemates are toasting Charlie with a dirty cocktail. Jackson is doing a moonwalk in the garden.
Chelsea is jealous of Jason's cheers. Jason wants the cheers to 'play back'; presumably when he masturbates. Chelsea is trying to influence nominations talking about the divide. Blatant!
Laura is suggesting they play spin the bottle. There's been no spin the bottle this series! Spin the bottle is a Big Brother staple, like the electric shocksuits. But you really want Marco there for spin the bottle. EHEHEHEHEH. 'Fuck, yeah!'
OMG Evelyn sidling up to Alex and him putting his arm round her like he's yawning. CRINGE.
Lateysha: 'Alex doesn't speak much about his feelings.' Alex doesn't speak much (end of sentence).
Lateysha then said she wanted the two of them to 'fuck each others guts out.' How romantic. Why does Alex have a toothbrush in his hand in the living room?
I think Ryan and Hughie are actually in love at this point. Well, Ryan deffo loves Hughie. They certainly have more chemistry than Evelyn and Alex. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU EVELYN. He doesn't see you long term. He thinks your fanny is huge. I HATE his accent. I hate him full stop.
Chelsea is doing his roots. LOLLLLL.
I respect the way Evelyn sits in the diary room chair, but not her mooning over Alex. Fuck Alex.
Alex and Evelyn in bed together is grim. There's more chemistry between Jackson and the picture of Georgina on his pillow.
God that episode felt long. NIGHT!

Big Brother UK 2016: Just stop dogging me around

Hello! We did a podcast last night for those with ears and dexterous volume control.
Aw, I hope Chelthea doesn't go tonight. I will mith his lithp. They're going to want Charlie and Jason to face off if anything.
Ooh the housemates are being told Emma has gone. Big Brother has got the rulebook out. The girls 'conspired not to nominate each other.' GIRLS ALLIANCE. Like they do in #bb18 But this is #bbuk. OK, so they've switched off the hot water, appliances, took away their shopping and booted Emma out. Fair enough. Andy is rulebooking. Do-gooder! Chelsea didn't know he wasn't allowed to talk about 'nominathions' after the fact. The boys are annoyed that the girls' pact will still stand. Oh well.
Lateysha cannot live off rice and peas, she lives off chocolate digestives.
I don't think anyone's even noticed Emma has gone. Lateysha is going on about biscuits and it's not even interesting. Chocolate digestives aren't even tasty. She should get thrown out for shoving one in her gob at the end.
I only just noticed Emma Willis's hair. Shite as usual.
Oh THAT'S why they didn't react to Emma going because Big Brother only just told them, lol. I thought no one gave a shit.
Sam says, 'Emma taught me positions I never thought I could get into.' Well, at least she was good for something.
OOH Jason is getting lots of airtime. Maybe there is a hope of him going. Now we're discussing the definition of the word 'conspiring.' Jason is being a dick. Let's conspire to evict Jason. Ha, now he's saying 'who nominated me and Charlie' and why. YOU FUCKING DID, mate. Bit rich. Get him out!
Evelyn thinks Alex is 'so grounded and his morals are so strong.' Alex replied: 'I don't know how to answer your question.' There wasn't a question. Alex: 'Every day I wonder what people would say at my funeral.' Hahaahhhaaaaa. You'd open the memorial service booklet and there would just be a picture of his arse.
Andy is stabbing Jason in the back in the diary room. Straight under the bus for you! Hahahaaa. Andy doesn't like the way you reacted to being nominated. Why don't you react to things like Andy? Why don't you behave like Andy in any given situation? Waaaaaa.
Emma just said 'Like Evelyn's camel toe, we've got so much more house action... sorry, we're bulging at the seams.'
ANNIHILATION is coming. Hopefully we can lose Jayne then.
Chelsea is doing another one of his stellar DR speeches: 'Through thick and thin... I'll take it like a man.'
I like Jayne giving advice to Charlie. It was good advice. 'It's always the woman who gets the blame.' Too true. I hope Charlie listens.
Andy is on a secret mission to stop acting like a douche for a day... sorry, to make up some historical facts. 'These people don't even know who Francis Drake is.' I don't even know if you spell that Francis or Frances and I'm not looking it up for this prick. I like his 'inflatable Rome' story though. Henry the 8th was secretly gay was good, too. World War 2.5. World War 3 we haven't had yet, haha.
So they are saving one person. Why are people cheering Jason? Charlie and Chelsea gets booed to fuck and Jason gets cheered. IT MAKES NO SENSE. 'Get Charlie out'? Why? Fans of dogs? She's not done anything wrong, except been a clinger.
Andy won the mission and got ingredients to make chilli con carne for the house. Not much of a reward, is it? I don't even know
Jayne wants a pot of jam, bread and a teabag or she's going to leave. She's not going to leave, is she?
Jayne: 'I don't want to open up a village fete or turn on the Christmas lights.' Where exactly? 'Please don't speak to Big Brother that way.' Big Brother is treating her like she's five. But she is acting like she's five.
Alex just waved his arse at Sam and Lateysha for no reason. He is a walking arse. Imagine if Laura had just done that, they would be baying for whore blood on Twitter. Yet the plank does it and everyone swoons. Kill me now.
Laura has found a manky bit of fudge and a used condom. WHY IS SHE SNIFFING IT? Whose is it?
Evelyn is covering up Chelsea's eye bags. I hope she's got a lot of makeup with her.
Why would anyone use a face mask in the Big Brother house? Jackson is remembering cracking onto Evelyn back in the day. How romantic.
Ryan has the all seeing eye tattooed on his hand. Do you think he's a truther? LOL Hughie just said Ryan was shit at giving blowies. Ryan: 'Whipped!' Hughie: 'Not by you.' Ha. Ryan is soooo lucky Hughie is in there, as Hughie makes Ryan bearable. His contrived DRs are only barely watchable.
God, this episode has been crap, and I also don't care who gets evicted, so it really is a lose/ lose.
Aw, Charlie crying at chants to get her out. That's sad, she's not that bad. Chelsea is way worse.
Charlie is out! They never even got to show it on the screens. Jason looking all sad! Motherfucker. At least she'll get over him now. It makes no sense, Chelsea and Jason are complete cunts, Charlie is alright. Aw, they're going to show her his nom in the interview.
Oooh she did blank him on her way out! Good girl. Fuck him, sausage fingered prick.
Charlie mentions 24 hours in a day. Standard. Editing. Check.
Emma gleefully showing the noms. All Charlie's noms were Jason-related.
I liked Charlie putting Jason on blast. Why are the crowd piping up? STFU. At least we don't have to sit through this boring manufactured storyline anymore.
Emma defending Jason by saying he just wants to be liked. No, he just wants to look good. There's a difference.
I feel sorry for Charlie that her whole storyline was Jason because he's not that interesting, but also, neither is she. Substandard housemates.
That was such a boring episode which equates to a boring blog. Don't blame me, blame Endemol. BRING ON THE ANNIHILATION.

Big Brother UK 2016: What's a beer garden?

Recently been stoned to death? Thrown off a building for playing a prank in the Big Brother? Meet Andy, who really cares (about getting airtime). Tearing a strip off the cute LGBT kids in the house for mucking about cos HIS nose was out of joint because his rat faced boyfriend proposed and he wanted the limelight firmly on him. His rent-a-outrage was concluded with a fake chat with himself in the garden, safe in the knowledge that the Great Idiot British Public is firmly behind him. Little does he know, we're all team Hughie. Hughie shouts more sense in three seconds than Andy does in all his mock-horrified handwringing DRs put together. STONED TO DEATH. I wish.
ALSO your winner Alex. I said a week ago whenever this cunt speaks, it's always something nasty and sexist that comes out of his horrible, arrogant mouth. Also, those flip flops and sandals. EEK.
As for all these ex boyfriends/ current flings in the BB house thanks to this loyalty points crapola, I haven't seen Big Brother jump the shark so much since it last jumped the shark, probably five minutes ago.
I love Ryan and Hughie. I think they should get REALLY engaged like STRAIGHT PEOPLE can do without Andy's pre-judgement. They would do a great magazine deal.
They are pretending it's Lateysha's birthday. Andy is going to get outraged for all the people whose real birthday it is today.
Andy says Hughie won't let things go, and he's set to have some irritating conversations. Andy is fed up with the pranks. What a sourpuss.
Hughie: 'What's a beer garden?' Weeeeellll.
Jackson: 'Don't nominate me cos I'm the only one with baccy.' Evict him and he'll leave it behind.
Why does Evelyn think Alex is better looking than her?
Emma is eating some toast. Legacy. Her arse looks quite good actually.
Ryan has busted out of the toilet to get some fags. He'll prob come back with a pack of Silk Cut. He probably thought he'd be evicted first week. I did too, I couldn't fucking stand him. Andy has cigarettes left, I note. He was obviously playing the long game. I love a cigarette row on BB. OLD SKOOL.
Jason has noticed a 'divide'. Gameplanner!
NOMS. Lateysha did Chelthea over pancakegate. Don't blame her. And Jason for being a gameplayer, lol.
Sam nommed Chelthea for 'going from person to person licking arses.' Thanks for that mental image. And Ryan (but not Hughie, I note.)
Jackson nommed Emma for turning round for He-Man and for Charlie for 'causing a divide'. Jason's words!
Ryan nommed Chelthea and Andy for 'causing carnage out of nowhere'. Mocking 'the community', ha.
Musical chairs without music is just chairs.
Andy is apologising in the middle of noms, hahaha. Bad noms day protocol.
Hughie nommed Andy for 'STONED TO DEATH' gate and Chelthea for bragging about money.
Emma nommed Jackson for being aggressive (true) and Jayne for some reason to do with positivity.
Alex is nomming Charlie (because Jason told it to) and Emma because her boyfriend He-Man is bigger than him and it made his cock shrink.
Evelyn nominated Chelthea for mixing/ flattery (he needs to do this a bit more subtly) and Jason for being a gameplanning pedal bin-kicking gimp.
Jason working out 'bribery blackmail, kidnap, violence to stay in.' Bhahaha. All the men together; knobends.
Charlie nominated Emma for loyalty point. weird boyfriend stuff and Laura (still doesn't nominate Jason!)
Chelthea nommed Jayne (standard) and Evelyn cos she can't talk about technology or astronomy. Sorry, Professor Brriiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaannnnn Cox wasn't available to be a civilian BB housemate.
Jayne nommed Chelthea and Jason. The divide is real!
Andy is nomming Hughie: 'Nothing to do with last night.' OK MATE. And Lateysha for saying he's sly. He makes Andy Herren the floater rat look straightforward.
Laura nominated Jackson for Bernardo-gate and Chelthea for relentless mixing.
Jason nommed Ryan for being negative and moaning. And Charlie for 'her sanity and his sanity.' We thought he'd never do it! He wants it to be shown. Squeezing a tear out. Great strategy. I think kicking the pedal bin was the final straw.
Why were noms so late this week? I wonder if it will be a double?
Up are Emma, Jason, Chelthea and Charlie. Ooh, that's cool. I don't care who goes out of those (I know Emma has already gone). I want Chelthea to stay, so he will probably go. I would love to see Jason go.
How the fuck did Andy escape noms? Why is Jayne not up?
Jason 'saw it coming' but Charlie never nommed him so she retains the moral high ground. LOSER. Gameplanner.
Alex doesn't like Evelyn and gulped. Ha. I don't see why not.
I only just noticed Charlie's back tattoo. Gadzooks. Charlie would love to have Jason's child. But she'll have to kill the dog first. OMG poor Jason. She will not let it lie. Haaaaa. Good memories though, like that meat feast pizza they had.
Alex doesn't see Evelyn in 'the bigger picture' but will sling one up her. Prince charming, SWOON.
Jackson so aggressive to the drippy twin. Hughie: 'In that pacific moment.'
How the fuck did Emma get thrown out for that? We've never SEEN HER BREAK OUT BEFORE. Emma: 'I'm sorry I've broken the rules.' WHAT RULES? WHAT RULLLLLEEEESSS?????
The rulebook is like a choose your own adventure story. Oh sorry, you died. Better luck next time.

Big Brother UK 2016: It's only a pancake

Pancake slay

Is this still on? And you're still watching? And still reading this? And I'm writing it? Madness.
'Evelyn, Jayne and Andy survived the public vote.' WEAK housemates!
HAHA Jackson wants to propose to Georgina as he exits the house. 'Give me the ring'. Buy your own ring. Getting proposed to on Big Brother is right up there with being proposed to on Jeremy Kyle.
Charlie is pining for the days when she used to wear Jason's shirts in bed. So that IS a thing. Who knew? Evelyn, obviously.
Hughie vs Andy! DING DING. Andy: 'The public know I'm not a snake.' Don't speak for the public, Andy.
Hughie: 'There's no such thing as a wrong opinion.' Untrue. 'You're a story carrier!' True. Andy: 'I'm a 33 year old man, I don't need your advice.' People who quote their ages in arguments = instant lose.
Hughie digging out Andy in front of the group was hilarity. 'You're a liar and a story carrier.' (Funnier the second time round). I love 'story carrier'. I love 'trouble riser'. I love Hughie. OMG a 'news carrier.' Haha - I love this, especially as Andy is a former journalist. Brilliant.
OMG naked Jackson! Yes. There's not been enough naked housemate action this year. More arse, please. Ooh, he's splashing Evelyn over the top of the showers. PROPOSAL CANCELLED.
Hughie's going in the POO-EL. I love the way Hughie pronounces everything. Any Hughie airtime is magic. Everyone else is a prick.
Andy in DR moaning about Hughie: 'Of course I don't like being in the middle of bad situations.' LOL. Also, 'it's nice not to have Georgina here whining and moaning. Georgina wants Jackson to be someone else. That's not love. I bet there's a part of him that's relieved she's gone.' Nice. What a nice man Andy is. Cut to Jackson throwing Evelyn on the bed. Weeeeelll, they're only messing. It won't fly with Princess Jasmine aka Georgina, though. Still, Andy, STFU.
A task is happening. Balloons. Sam reading books looking for 'enigmatic'. Andy listing words. What the fuck is going on? Bring on the electric shock suits. Counting clocks. Blinking. They've literally spent 2p on this. Oh my friend Arif just told me the task is impossible to pass. So how do they pass? There is literally nothing at stake. I really must pay attention at the start of tasks. Or they should just flash up 'BUT THE REAL TASK IS.'
Hughie battling with the feathers: 'This room smells like somebody died in it.' Several chickens, by the looks of things. Hughie: 'I look like a fucking chicken.'
Emma is feeling horny. TMI.
Every time Alex does speak (once a week), it's nothing particularly pleasant, have you noticed? It's always got a bit of a whiff of sexism/ narcissism which is not a winning combination (see Danny Wisker for more details) .
Jayne's motto is 'what you don't know can't trouble you.' She's not wrong. Andy thinks otherwise but later sought Jane out and said he was 'taking on board' (t.m. Callum from the eco year) what Jayne said. Brilliant. He even smiled!
Sam is moaning in the DR because Ryan is more entertaining than him. Not hard, even Emma is more entertaining than him.
Andy: 'Is Georgina perfect for you? No. But it's none of my business.' EVERYTHING is Andy's business. EVERYTHING.
Fair play to Lateysha letting it all hang out on the garden in her bikini. More naked jacuzzi housematesness, please.
Hughie finds Andy sinister. I think the word you're looking for is sssssssnake. Or arsehole.
Charlie is telling the others she fucked Jason a WEEK before she went in the house. Ha. I feel like we already knew that somehow. Is that one from the Mail Online?
Pancakegate. Not as catchy as placentagate. Although more tasty, right? Chelsea is angry about people cooking at midnight. Has he never heard of a midnight feast?
Andy and Sam are bonding over being gay by being homophobic. 'Sterotypical gay' klaxon.
Ryan looks like he's having a good laugh. 'Let's go bed and give everyone head.' Better than carping, isn't it?
There's a title here, something to do with pancake batter, but I can't quite get to it.
Chelsea is moaning about the pancakes being too thick. He's just trying to have a 'converthation.' Sam just said, 'It's only a pancake.' Ha. Nice. Apparently it's more than a pancake. Chelsea is being an aggressive dick and taking the mick out of Lateysha's accent. What's the problem? Battered as a child or something (nearly a joke there).
'Fucking pancakes, fuck off' cracked me up for some reason. 'Gangster pancake!' someone just said. I can feel a GIF coming on. I want to call this blog 'a load of old crepe' but that would be wholesale stolen from Adam Buxton so I'll resist.
It's Hughie's birthday! I loved the row between him and Ryan, hilarious. Lucky they're both gay so there can't be any allegations of sexual harrassment. Well there could be, but they both give as good as they get. Most any other housemates and that would have ended in tears. Yet I can see these I two in a splosh porno. And cheers to that.

Big Brother UK 2016: I don't wanna cuddle

I just watched the live feed from last night and thought it was probably the most interesting yet, giving insight into Andy and Jayne certainly, and seeing them as humans, not characters, I suppose. I still hate them, though, obvi. But considering it was post eviction feed, it was actually quite relaxed and candid.
Dear God, not another episode focused on Charlie and Jason. I can't cope.
Ryan will be 'fizzing' if Georgina goes as she's 'tv gold' (true) and a nice person (not). Pass the bubbly.
Jayne is telling Andy to 'say it to people's faces.' That's not how sssssssnakes operate.
Georgina says, 'The housemates are like art, subjective.' If the housemates are like art, Georgina was the Mona Lisa. And Jackson is like graffiti on the side of a train. Actually, that;s quite romantic. Andy is like that thing that involved elephant dung.
Chelsea's hair is looking on point at the moment. What a brave man.
Jason is upset Charlie hasn't apologised: 'it's sick'. Jason: 'I hate liars.' I LOVE them. Charlie wants 'a word' with Andy. Uh oh, this should be good. Andy: 'I'm not a stirrer.' Haha, mentions that he doesn't go round rubbing his hands together with glee when someone gossips. I have seen him do it! He is a hand rubber/ wringer. God, he is SO SANCTIMONIOUS. Cannot bear it. Great housemate, though.
Sam: 'Would you eat your kids placenta?' Jackson was offered the chance to when he had his baby. Georgina not happy. 'It's VILE! Talking about your ex.' Georgina is a total bunny boiler. It's a shame the idiot general public evicted her. Georgina: 'I don't have a maternal bone in my body.' Haha. Hughie, Lateysha and Sam are all appalled with Georgina. Georgina is jealous of Jackson's baby like Charlie is jealous of Jason's dog. Georgina is jealous of the baby momma. 'Gushing out all her bits.' Ha, that's how I see pregnancy. I love Georgina. Charlie: 'You will have a baby one day.' Fuck off. 'You'll feel differently when you're older.' I thought you're meant to be 31? If she's 31, I'm 12. NOT EVERYONE WANTS A BABY.
Andy is pontificating on what viewers want and who will be evicted. He thinks Georgina would get on his nerves as a viewer. Not more than you do, Andy. He is obsessed with public perception. That's what he was talking about on the live feed, too.
Georgina: 'Please can you get my fucking suitcase?' to Jackson. What is he, the bell boy? God, she's unbalanced. Sam is clearly appalled by the way Georgina treats Jackson, and for once, I agree with him.
Georgina doesn't want her friends to be sad if she leaves, ha, that's nice of her. I can't believe she thought she was so safe with the way she carries on. It's mental.
Andy comforting Evelyn and then she flopped in his lap like she was going to give him a blowjob. Evelyn is a waste of airtime. Tragic. One of the most pointless housemates ever.
Charlie has actually got Georgina sussed. Georgina loves Jackson, so she treats him like crap to test him. Jackson is done with Georgina. He's not, though, is he?
I have actually liked Charlie tonight. Plus she always looks good on eviction nights, just like a mess the rest of the time. She's actually being insightful and helpful to Georgina.
Aw, Georgina crying on Jackson and then moaning about her make up. There is something cute about them, despite all the mind games. I can't help it!
Hughie: 'I knew it!' when Jayne was safe. Hughie needs more airtime. Evelyn hyperventilating. Andy: 'Count to seven when you breathe in. Count to five when you breathe out.' Is that a thing?
Georgina: 'I didn't see that coming.' How can you have such a lack of self awareness? If I was up for eviction, I would be 100% certain I was going. Ha, Evelyn trying to hug Georgina was the lols.
Georgina: 'Don't leave me' to Jackson. It's you leaving, not him! 'I love you, I'm so sorry.' Aw.
Jackson choking on his tears, screaming at the window and generally acting like a super douche was amusement. Alex: 'Get it together.' Yeah, fam.
Laura has made Jackson a cut of tea. SLUT! Jackson is mooning at a picture of Georgina. 'See you soon, sweetpea.' Standard.
Charlie and Jason are having it out in Marco's sex chamber, now the snore room. ZZZZZZ.
Jackson has gone back to perching in the diary room. 'Georgina reminds me of my mum and I love my mum.' Er, I think that's just something you think and don't say. Aw, he's going to take Georgina to Disneyland. Is that a euphemism? Or is there a Nottingham version? 'That's my GIRL, MY MISSUS. You put that bitch up.' So she's your mum, your missus, and a bitch? He really is the anti man. My feminist heart is swooning as we speak.
Jason: 'Charlie has told me she's accepted it so many times over the past four months.' He is forever counting months! Andy says Jason will come out 'looking like a gentleman.' They are such a friendship of convenience. They would never be mates in real life. Jason doesn't really look like a gentleman. He looks like a man about to blow, desperately trying to look like a nice guy.
Charlie and Jason's argument is now at the level of 'sit down' and 'no I won't sit down, I'll stand up'. AMICABLE. They've been perfectly civil. I'm on Charlie's side, if anything.
When Evelyn and the twin talk. Tumbleweed. When they twerk, even worse.
Andy in the DR: 'The public saved me. I'm doing the right thing, I believe in my principles.' He is such a self-aggrandising twat. The public will kick your arse out next week cos you're the only person with a storyline.
Aw, Jackson is bawling in bed. Probably thinking about his baby momma.
Charlie and Jason's awkward cuddle is how I feel about Big Brother UK in general at the moment. When he said 'I don't want a cuddle' he sounded like a five year old. I don't want any more Charlie and Jason, please.
Jason is giving Evelyn a shirt to wear in bed and Charlie is annoyed about it. Oh shut up. Do women really wear men's shirts to bed? I thought that was just something that happened in films.
Bring on the fresh meat or whatever it is. But you can't reanimate a corpse. And you can't bring back Marco and Andrew. Or... can you? If so, please do. Thanks, bruv.

Big Brother UK 2016: Exit music (for a reality show)

Oh hello. I've come crawling back to my own blog. I'm watching yesterday's at the mo, so you may get some bonus notes. I love the Big Brother Corp task. Putting Chelsea in charge is the best, except he can't pronounce the word dethiscion. Hahaha! Actually, that makes it even better. Chelsea would make an AMAZING call centre manager.
Georgina: 'Being unhappy is just my natural face.' Ha. Ripped trousers gate. Who has rips in their jeans these days? Except BBUS/Canada housemates. Georgina: 'I've wasted a month in the Big Brother house.' Charming. The BOTS audience members who didn't get cast this year will be apoplectic.
Charlie is upset about some night Jason had out months ago where he drank two and a half litres of something. Isn't he a little old for the Sugar Hut? And what about when she kicked his dog, lol. Jason is such a gameplanner. Charlie deffo kicked the dog. If I'd done a blog last night, my title would have been 'Battersea dogs moan'.
What's with Alex's socks and sandals? Thought he was meant to be sexy. Barf.
When Sam starts on Hughie with his old craggy face. He doesn't know who he's dealing with. Fan favourite! Hughie shouting is THE BEST. Hughie is loopy. He will not go to the DR quietly. I like Hughie's post meltdown cool offs in the DR.
Hughie calling Ryan and Hughie bum buddies. Self hating homophobe. He started that row and then ended up crying. Ha, and indeed, ha.
Charlie 'could say things about Jason that would do him no favours.' Obviously a massive cokehead then.
I'm onto the main show now. Charlie is upset about being called a dog kicker. Rather a dog kicker than a dog, right? Oh. Their airtime must end. I so don't care. BORING.
Hughie and Alex are apologising but did they even row? Wasn't it him and Sam? Alex: 'You can't just blow up at people like that.' No much better to be a boring lump like him. NOT.
Self proclaimed avocado gate. Evelyn: 'I've never heard the word avocado so much'. Me either. Except at work.
Sam has still got a cob on. Probably cos he looks about 50.
Ooh I like that lamp that's like a monkey holding a lightbulb. Cute. Sam hating Ryan is so boring. At least Ryan is fun and vomits in his hands. What does Sam do? Bitch and moan and sit with his mouth agape. And we've got Georgina for that.
Charlie: 'I really don't want to be seen as a dog beater.' TOO LATE. Hughie has the measure of the situation. Charlie was jealous of the dog. Simple.
Haha Andy bringing up 'daughter' gate. Jason should be proud of his daughter, like Devin. Andy: 'I don't want to create arguments.' HAHAHAHA. What a fucking shit stirrer. Andy: 'I think you have a right to know.' I actually LOVE Andy as a housemate. He is soooooooo sanctimonious.
Jayne has had no airtime. She's never going to go tonight.
Andy: 'The one thing I didn't want to do was hear things and then go and say them to other people.' That is the ONLY THING you do in the house! Do you think he even likes Jason? I don't.
Jackson: 'There's only a certain amount a man can take to make his missus happy.' Hahahaha.
Andy: 'Charlie's just called me a prick.' You are one. Jason: 'You could call you a telltale.' You could do that.
Andy: 'I have a false reputation as a shit stirrer.' What's false about it? You're up to your neck in it!
The housemates are mixing... their drinks again. Cue the vom hands. Please!
Andy: 'Believe you me, I took no pleasure in telling Jason that.' You fucking liar. Shit I'm worried Andy is gonna go cos he's getting so much airtime. 'There's intrigue, gossip and rumour.' I love to hate Andy. SSSSSSNAKE! He's gonna come unstuck soon on a vote to evict though.
OMg Andy is safe. I'm shocked. Jayne is also safe. WHY! So either Evelyn or Georgina is going. It's gonna be Georgina. Hundred percent. Quite clever the way the did the vote cos it made me vote again. SUCKER. I always vote wrong.
Jackson is drunk and gone gangster. Georgina is calling Jackson 'Bob Marley.' Racist. Quarter Jamaican! Ha. He wants to 'go have fun with Evelyn.' Haha. Oops. 'Things not to say to Georgina' 101.
Alex doesn't want to get too deep, which is lucky, cos he's shallower than my contact lens case.
MY MISSUS. Georgina and Jackson are quite tragic. And not in a Romeo and Juliet way. I do find it entertaining, though. Georgina: 'work harder.' Jackson will give her 'all of him, but he wants all of you.' I can feel a song coming on.
I love Ryan and Hughie's showmance. Wish we could see more of it.
Georgina is gonna go cos she is getting pure airtime. For some reason Big Brother wants the most entertaining housemates out. God knows why. Show ruiners.
Aw Jackson admires and adores Georgina. I wanna, I wanna I gotta be adored. YOU ADORE ME. Etc. And tings.
Alex is sharing a secret with Lateysha. Is it where he keeps his personality hidden?
Aw, Georgina is not used to someone looking after her. That's cute. Why is she pushing him away then? That's sad. Jackson: 'If you go tomorrow, I'm gonna die.' Aw. Nice to love someone so much you wanna die. Until they go and then you forget ten mins later.
It's Georgina out. Oh no Georgina is crying! But I thought she'd had a wasted month! Jackson is gonna walk with her. OMG all the crying and wailing. It's like an opera. 'I love you, Jackson.' How long before Jackson is having 'an ickle flirt' again? I give it 20 minutes. VOTE TO EVICT strikes again. I like Georgina. All my faves gone so far. Wood floats down to the final.
Georgina: 'I've not been involved in any drama.' Nor has Evelyn. I would be like Georgina if I got evicted. Bawling and moaning.
Georgina: 'What is this energy bullshit?' Emma: 'Do you think you're negative?' Georgina: 'Well, yeah.' Ha. I think Georgina is a good housemate. She HAD to go with this dumb voting system. Worse than Brexit. Here are your best bits: 'Oh no' is the correct response to that.
I don't know why Georgina hates her smile, she's really pretty and was a good housemate. She just needs to go hug a tree, lol.
Have you noticed Emma has not told anyone they're a great housemate yet this year?
Oh so they're bringing new people in. Ugh. Mind you, at this point, does it really fucking matter? No. BRING BACK MARCO. EHEHEHEHEH. And Andrew. OK, thanks.