Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Bitch, you're lying

Vote Chad!

It's the penultimate episode! Ex housemates hikacking the house = ran out of ideas again.
Karthik is on the mic doing more of his c-raps. Chad making him say 'titty sprinkles'! Chad has some amusing turns of phrase.
Sam is flirting with Jemma in the shower. She's getting her arse out for airtime but has her hand over her vagina, so that's decorum, at least.
God, Marissa has a sexy voice. She's putting Barry in Ian Terry from BBUS's old dog suit (they obviously picked that up at the yearly conference).
Sam is wanking off about getting to speak to Jordan again. 'I want to hold you... I'm wearing your old boxers.' Um... ick? Their enthusiasm for each other is annoying. Glad they got split up, but wish we'd kept Jordan instead of Sam and his broom of doom (and I don't mean Jemma).
Sam and Amelia's staged date. Not exactly Surly the fish with Ed and Jade from BBAU, is it? He never did play those cards, did he?  Probably still got them in his back pocket as we speak.
I disagree with this task on the principle that Amelia has feelings for Sam and him and Jordan are making a dick out of her. Mean.
Sam: 'She felt the prick in my ear.' That's no way to talk about Jordan. Did dummy Amelia really not know he was on a task until she saw the earpiece?
Why is Jordan allowed to counsel Sam in the DR? Is this part of the task?! Dumb. Kind of funny in a way that Amelia was mocking Chad and Sarah but at least they get off with each other and appear to have some sort of drink-laced feelings, or at least attraction. Sam doesn't even want to touch Amelia. I realise I've just felt three different ways about Amelia in three paragraphs, which is quite a feat considering how dull she is.
Uh oh, Chad is getting in trouble for making eggs and mince. Chad loves to eat. 'Goddamn these people are fucked in the head.' Weeellll. Amelia: 'You can't say people are fucked in the head, that's really mean.' He can if it's true.
Jemma is being psychotic. Chad is not allowed to snack! He only wants a tiny lunch. Hope he's not mincemeat by the end of this episode.
Jemma saying he's 'a selfish little prick with a little prick, we all seen it in your Taco outfit.' We all seen - I mean, saw - it in bed the other night when Sarah was rubbing it, too. Aw, poor Chad and his little Johnson.
Brandi is now shitstirring over the airwaves. Calling Derek out for saying bad things about Jemma. Derek said he said it in the first week. Brandi: 'Bitch, you're lying.' He said it in the Vault!
Brandi going 'no conferring, it's cheating' to Sarah, haha. Chad going 'you're playing your American reality TV card' again, haha. Brandi: 'I'm pushing buttons, I'm pushing yours right now.'
Brandi is being brutal! I like it. I don't agree with what she's saying to Jemma, though. Jemma can be friends with Sam. They're not that flirty. I think they're fine. It's weird when Sam says they're 'basically the same person.' I bet his parents don't agree.
Amelia coming into the convo: 'Is it about me?' No it isn't. PS: You look gormless. Barry: 'They're just shooting the breeze.'
Woo, Dangerous Danan is back. He's making them point and laugh at people they think will be evicted next. Is this the new face to face nominations?
Chad to Jemma: 'Everything about you is shitty, your aura is shitty. If you were a Spice girl, you'd be shitty Spice.' This went down very well on Twitter. Jemma actually looked a bit hurt.
I really wouldn't kiss Jemma or Sarah just because Paul told me to. Desperate!
Oh all the other housemates have come back in now. It's not exactly Raph and Chanelle reunited, is it? Karthik to Chad: 'They can't show anything you haven't said or done.' Ha!
Paul: 'It's one of the best Big Brothers' ever.' What year did he start watching? Halfway through 2017?
Sarah: 'We've not done the deed.' Paul: 'It didn't look like just a kiss. In the toilets it looked like you were banging.'
Sarah: 'I swear down. We've obviously had a grope.' So Sarah remembers rubbing Chad's dick! I guess it was for airtime after all, then. She can't really complain then, can she?
Amelia is getting relationship advice from Paul Danan. End of days. He's discussing Sam's indiscretions on Made in Chelsea, haha. Harsh! Paul was watching it at 2.30 in the morning. Sniff!
Marissa is bagging out Jordan! Why! Look at Marissa's caged boobs with her nipples showing! She's sexy! Did she go out with Calum Best that night? If so, grim. Jordan pretending he's not slept with anyone outside the house, ha. RIP to Jordan and Marissa's magazine deal. That's 20K down the swanny.
Brandi is telling Amelia what's what with Sam. Brandi: 'He even jokes about it... about how all in you are.' Amelia: 'That's a prick move.'
Why is Amelia wearing a kimono? Ken Barlow? Now she's crying and saying she's not desperate. This is great for her game! A bit of sympathy!
Amelia: 'You've made my experience in here.' Sam: 'You've made half of mine... you, Jordan, a bit Gemma, and Paul.' Let me just fetch my calculator, because that doesn't quite add up.
Amelia: 'I think you've just met me at the wrong time.' Um. Sam: 'I think that's a very good way to end it.' Dodged a bullet there, didn't he? JOKES. Prick.
Jordan and Sam, no one gives a fuck about your friendship! Get lost. Why are the ex housemates doing stirring speeches! Stupid. Get out! We evicted you. Meet you outside the Holiday Inn!
Backdoor eviction time! Barry got the boot. Someone ruined it on Twitter about 15 minutes ago. Should have known people couldn't keep their mouths fucking shut. I'm not bothered about Barry going, but he deserves it more than Derek, Amelia or Sam. I'm still baffled how Derek has lasted this long.
Imagine if Chad or Sarah had gone out like that with no interview?! Not even any handcuffs ala Jamie O Hara! No Emma coming into the house! What a dud. It's so half arsed. Did they run out of budget? Spent it all on the marble laminate in the Vault? So do we have to sit through a Barry interview tomorrow now, when there's still six people left in the house? I hope it's gonna be a long show or they're gonna have to evict these motherfuckers in threes.
Oh well, hopefully Sam will be coming out sixth now. My dream order to go out would be Sam, Amelia, Derek, Sarah, Jemma, Chad. So wait for that to not happen!
I'm busy tomoz so won't be blogging but we'll be podding on Saturday (our most recent one is here) and going through all the last few days of horror and the no doubt outrageous outcome. I just wanna see Chad beat Sarah. And Jemma beat Sarah. And Sarah's face. But I do think Sarah deserves to be in the top three. She's done a lot in there and has been very entertaining. I keep reading it's a dud year, but I've enjoyed it with no Geordie Shore idiots ruining my experience.
Enjoy the final! See you on the other side. 

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Kitchen sunk

Vinnie Jones

James C

A double eviction! Ooh, who will it be? As it all ends on Friday, the drama isn't that exciting. There's still life in this old dog but they're putting it down too soon! 
Who goes, you decide? Shouldn't that be 'who stays, you decide'?
Hope Chad doesn't go, but Americans haven't fared well so far. Up for eviction is Chad, Helen, Jemma, Sam, Sarah and Sandi. I hope Sarah, Chad and Jemma stay. The others are deadweight. 
There's not really the cameraderie of Rose Cottage and Thorn Cottage this season, is there?
Jemma wants a role in Helen's sitcom. Two things that are never going to happen.
Sarah wants to travel and have a family. Perhaps stop smoking and drinking non-stop first.
Chad on their fictional daughter: 'We shall name her Megatron. Or Laquesha.' Why is he not running in the other direction? Chad is a masochist, I believe. Who would put up with that?
Who spray tanned Sam? I just switch off when he's on screen. He 'looks like a racoon'. He looks like a buffoon. Oh it was Jemma, ha.
Sarah is quizzing Chad on his relationship history. His longest relationship is one year. His shortest will probably be this one with Sarah.
Sarah and Chad are off with a bottle of red. Jemma: 'she's off with her second boyfriend' haha.
Jemma: 'The alcohol stealers.' Derek: 'I had a little drop. They're holding onto it.' Shut up, Derek, you drip. They offered you a glass. Then Jemma goes and swipes it, ha. Jemma is just constantly on the look out for a row. Now Paul Danan has gone, she's lost.
Jemma to Chad: 'You're secluding yourself as people don't want to sit with you. Go sit in the bedroom.' He can sit where he wants. I don't get why everyone is so grumpy with their relationship! Let them be.
Big Brother is playing Girls Aloud to get Sarah out of bed. Her dancing with a broom, well, it's not much different to Cheryl, is it? Positive Sarah airtime just before the vote closes, nice one, BB.
Derek's getting in the pool in his speedos, phwoar! Lol.
God, what is Barry and Helen's problem with Sarah and Chad? I'd rather watch Sarah and Chad's mental relationship than Helen and Barry moaning about it. They're even grumbling about Derek going in the hot tub with them. Moaning about Derek's speedo airtime! He's not even up for eviction, you boring old bags, leave him alone.
OMG the crowd chanting 'get Sarah out'. She's going to melt! Why cheer Sam and Sandi! They're useless. Sarah is being entertaining! Although, what is she wearing?
OMG, it was Sandi and Helen evicted! They both look so shocked to go! They are so smug! I love it when the cheers don't reflect the votes. And they get the old Janice Battersby and Mario Falcone treatment! Two by two, the ultimate indignity! And the others acting like it's not real. It's real! Sandi: 'Keep the kitchen clean!' It's not your kitchen, so bye!
Sandi and Helen both thought they were a cut above and annoyed the hell out of me, so I think it's great the entertainment has been kept in.
Sandi saying she was shocked to go, how vain! I guess Helen didn't sell her wares well enough at the trade fair.Then admits she's dull. How is the sitcom going to get made at this rate?
Sandi going on about the kitchen... no one cares! Saves us sitting through two boring interviews, I guess. I'm surprised so many people on Twitter are upset Sandi went. What did she actually do except Vinnie Jones up the kitchen? She did nothing! Helen did less than nothing. Byeeeeeee.
Helen can't even remember Sandi's name. Says it all.
Haha Chad livening up Helen's best bits: 'Helen's awesome but I probably wouldn't date her.' Lol. 
They both got paid thousands to be in there and weren't entertaining. Say what you like about Sarah: she's carried the show. Her, Chad and Jemma deserve to be in the final.
PS: Check out our latest podcast, it's had over a thousand listens (fuck knows why). Oh, I think it was because I forgot to put it on iTunes for half a day. But still. That's a shitload of listens. Thank you so much if one of them was you, although you've now given me stage fright for the next one!
Chad to win!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: No Netflix and no chill

Oh, wow

Oh my God, guys, yesterday's Big Brother was too good! After the idiot general public voted out Brandi and Paul Danan in one night, I lost faith in you. I lost faith in us as a society, as I saw Barry and Helen circling the garden, complaining about the only people providing any entertainment.
But then we had Chad and Sarah announcing they were ON. And while I'm not a fan of showmances, I am a fan of people acting like drunken fucking messes and making dicks of themselves. Their drunken row was magic, from the singing, to the egg eating, to the 'miss you' and 'fuck off'. Boy, is Chad in over his head. And Sarah is making SUCH a fool of herself. Mentioning marriage? With Mr Flirty Pants off the Bachelorette? She's not so much drunk as in-fucking-sane.
Seeing the truth slowly dawning on Chad's face was just delicious too, but I think as long as he's getting his belt unbuckled in the bathroom, he's down (literally). It's a shame there's only a week left and it's a shame we only have one villian left as I think there's at least another two week's worth of drama to go. Barry, Helen and Derek need taking to the glue factory. Boring bastards. Helen going it's not 'the time and place to be funny' in the house. You're getting a platform every night for a month! If that's not the time, when is the time! Fail! Casting fail. Personality fail. Get out.
Anyway, onto tonight's show. Barry: 'Eating doesn't bother me.' Liar! Barry doesn't look like one of these 'too busy to eat' people. He's not a 'square of chocolate' man.
Sarah to Chad: 'Are you still in a strop?' Chad: 'I don't know what that means.' Haha.
Sarah is mental. That dog dressing gown needs BURNING. I'll burn it with her in it if needs be. Sarah hugging Chad and saying she's the bigger person. She is a piece of WORK.
Chad in the DR: 'I wasn't going to eat the meat, she's acting like a fortune teller.' He doesn't have trust with Sarah. They only started going out yesterday and he doesn't trust her already! He's not going to eat for a couple of days (except some random eggs in the storeroom, no doubt). He doesn't want to eat too much butter and potatoes that Sandi makes.
Why is Sandi stirring about Chad! Shut up. Sandi gets on my nerves now. I didn't like the way she was with Brandi either.
Sarah is accusing CHAD of sulking. Sarah is a one woman sulk.Sarah makes Cheryl Cole look friendly.
Sam to Amelia: 'You're a ray of sunlight on a rainy day.' You're a twat ruining my programme.
Big Brother has called housemates to The Vault. That used to be a crap nightclub I went to in Northampton. I can still smell the dry ice and poppers now.
So they are just nominating, so what's all the palaver about? They have to put their two noms in the safety deposit boxes. Why? Why not just the normal DR noms? They have spent about 100 times more on The Vault than the Diary Room chair, that's for sure.
Amelia nominated Chad for eating and Sarah for shouting at her. Derek nominated Jemma for saying disgusting words, haha. At least she doesn't defraud grieving people.  And Sarah for drinking alcohol. Women hater. 'She can't help it, poor love.' Snake. Sorry, ssssssnake.
Chad nommed Sandi cos of foods and Jemma for causing rows.
Helen nominated Sam (woo!) for putting the horses head in her bed. She's disappointed in him. I'm disappointed in her as a housemate. She also nommed Sarah for being a different person 'in the evening' (ie. when she's shitfaced).
Sam nominated 'The Harding' for lying that she and Chad were just friends and 'The Chad' for needind to smell Sarah. Mmm. What must she smell of? Fags and rum, I reckon.
Sarah basically saying that Sarah should nominate Sandi to make him happy, what a sneak! She didn't rise to it, though.
Sarah nominated Helen (good!) for not cleaning and Jemma for causing friction. So she didn't do what Chad wanted, haha.
Jemma nominated Sarah for saying horrible things and being unstable (like herself) and Chad. Aw, Chad is my favourite.
Barry nommed Sarah cos she has her partner in there! She has her NEW partner in there anyway. Don't be bitter, glitter, Barry. And Chad for the same reason. What is Barry's problem with the showmances? Does he not love love? He's only in there for another week! Chill the fuck out.
Sandi nommed Chad for late night eating and Sarah for moaning about everything. 'She's happy go lucky but she's not taking full advantage of it.' How can you be happy go lucky and moaning all the time?
Helen is feeling lonely. Well, you know where the door is. I have no sympathy for her. You're getting paid well to do a month in there. It's not a particularly volatile house. You're not in there with Bear. Shut up.
The oldies are talking about pop socks and petticoats, FFS. The highlights feel thin tonight. It's a shame as last night was so good.
Jemma is asking Sam to choose between his ex and Amelia. I don't know who his ex is but I don't care about Amelia, so whatever. She is saying she likes him in the DR. Honestly, I couldn't care less.
Sam admits he still likes his ex to Jemma. The only thing Sam likes is the sound of his own voice.
Ok, they are showing them the noms now. The little doors are opening in The Vault. At least they are showing them how many nominations they got each. Jemma got three, Chad got five and Sarah got seven.
Lol, all housemates who got one nomination are up, haha. What a fix. I fucking love it. Get someone (boring) out. So up is Chad, Helen, Jemma, Sandi, Sarah and Sam. Helen makes James C look exciting. Derek and Barry are just as bad.
Chad is going a bit Karthik saying to Sarah: 'Go put on a dress'. Ha. Sarah: 'It's what's inside that counts.' You're fucked on that front, too, then. Chad: 'Go put on a shiny dress.'
Amelia to Sam: 'When did you realise you first liked me?' I don't think he does, mate.
Sarah has realised everyone nominated her, even Derek. 'It's a witchhunt, I feel so deceived.' I liked it when she said she assumed Chad didn't nominate her. Give them another two weeks in there, and I think he would!
Sam is 'scared of underpromising and overdelivering.' Has he worked in a call centre? More shades of Karthik!
Time for Sarah and Chad to 'Netflix and chill' with no Netflix and definitely no chill. More like Prosecco and regret.
Night camera sexy time! Chad: 'This is hard.' No doubt. 'Can you feel that there? Yes that there.' What there? 
How can you get it on with Derek snoring like that? Not sexy! Hardly a conducive ambience. And why the eye masks? Kink?
The worst part was Sarah rubbing his cock NOT EVEN under the covers. Even Steven Goode did 'open it' with his robot wife undercover. It just looks seedy, and I am NOT in the habit of slutshaming. He should have known better, too. And the way they cut to the others snoring and sleeping is just the anti sexy, haha. Still, I am enjoying watching the utter car crash of it all. They're the only two in there doing anything, and if anything means rubbing cock while wearing eyemasks, I guess that's what we'll have to deal with!
Hopefully podcast tomorrow! Fingers crossed. Thanks for reading. 

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Hunting for witches (and snakes)

Out here drinking allllll the tea

Apologies to anyone who listened to our last podcast, I was dying on air. Thanks to Gaz for holding things together. I'm still not feeling great, but I seem to be blogging the evictions at least!
Wow, if you did a drinking game for every time someone says SNAKES on Big Brothers' worldwide, you'd be Gazza right now. Snakes everywhere! Sorry, sssssssnakes everywhere! But where's the sound effect, BBUK? You need to have a word with Julie Chen and the guys at CBS.
Brandi is getting annoyed with Sandi. I think I am as well. I don't think the pairing of Jemma and Brandi is particularly pleasant but at least it's entertaining. Everyone else is being fake nice or putting on an act or some bullshit. God, it's such a unlikeable house than when you slag off one person on Twitter, people end up presuming you like Paul Danan or something. I mean, come on. All the fencesitters in the middle are driving me mad, and everyone else is a cunt. It's slim pickings! Who is there to root for... Barry?
Paul getting Sandi to tell Jemma to leave him alone, what a fucking baby.
Jemma: 'Paul wants to stir his little pot and stroke his pet rat.' I think Paul wants to smoke a little pot, that's for sure. Where's the pet rat at? Oh, his top knot, most likely. Paul's the oldest hipster on record.
'The housemates are playing a game of celebrity spin the bottle.' How is that different from regular spin the bottle? Oh it has a bit of glitter on it.
Sam and Barry re-enacting his death scene... well he said he wanted to when he went in. Or was that Jordan? I get the two over-excitable muppets confused.
Sarah doesn't want to snog everyone in the house... just Jemma and Chad. Sarah didn't look that annoyed when Chad snogged Jemma, it was no Nikki Grahame watching Pete and Aisleyne kiss. Jemma 'You're basically Chad's bird.' Jemma stomping off and kicking something because Sarah wouldn't kiss Sam for a dare? Why?!
Jemma: 'You've got a boyfriend and you're fucking kissing Chad anyway.' That much is true.
Sarah has had enough. She's been tested to her limits. I don't know why she's even angry. She's having a go at Sam and Jordan for some reason. She's a total nutcase. At least Jemma owns being a lunatic. Sarah pretends she's actually decent when she's the dodgiest one in there, in more ways than one. Trying to redeem your image by getting shitfaced and snogging someone who isn't your boyfriend isn't exactly what your agent would suggest, I'd imagine.
Jemma: 'Get the fuck off me' to Jordan, haha. Sarah: 'You need to stop drinking' to Jemma. So do you. Sarah is pissy cos she snogged Chad, end of story. 'Enough is enough!' Yes, enough with you pretending to be Miss Innocent. OWN YOUR SHIT.
Oh, Sam is saying Sarah's annoyed cos Jemma snogged Chad during spin the bottle. That makes sense.
Sarah in the DR: 'I've got my own stuff to deal with, I don't need it thrown in my face on TV. What started off as fun, ends up in a tragic fucking war and I'm in the firing line every time.' Cos you're the root of it all, you psychotic bitch! God, she's driving me up the wall. You're making me feel sorry for Cheryl racist Cole at this point!
Big Brother has decided not to give the housemates anymore alcohol cos they're all alcoholics and mental and they're probably worried someone's gonna do a Kim Woodburn or a Deborah.
Jemma is dead right that Sarah plays the victim. Sarah to Sam: 'This is becoming a witchhunt.' Let's hold her under the water in the hot tub just to make sure. Haha, her calling Sam and Jordan warped. They haven't done anything! Sarah is a mental. End of story. I hope she watches this back and realises. Sarah: 'You guys have to change your tunes.' They're just two immature little dickbrains! You're ten years older and having a breakdown. You need to change your tune.
Jordan: 'You get too pissed every night.' Haha. Sarah nicking her fags back. 'I was out here drinking tea last night.' If you don't have a problem with drink, you don't have to point out the nights you didn't drink. Because you don't notice.
Jordan: 'None of us can drink now because of you. You're ruining everyone's night, every night.' Look at Jordan's too short trousers with his little red socks. Hard to take him seriously, really. And he has a bandage on his arm. Wanking?
What does Chad see in Sarah exactly? She's just awful. Even Amelia Lily has lost her shit. Amelia zero storyline Lily has lost her shit with Sarah.
Amelia: 'Well, we're not allowed anymore alcohol.' Sarah: 'GO AWAY! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!' Amelia: 'It's fucking disgusting being spoken to like that, talking to me like a piece of shit, fucking arsehole.' I think Amelia wanted another can of rum and coke.
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink (oh you can't, as they've had it confiscated cos Sarah is loopy). Then Chad snogs her in the loo trying to comfort her and she says 'let's get back in the friend zone.' I mean, he's in the wrong taking advantage of a drunk, crying mental case, but she is mixed messages galore. Their 'relationship' is fucked and a half. Chad looks genuinely bemused.
Looks cosy in that 'friend zone' in bed, doesn't it? Kissy kissy! Oh, they're just keeping warm, I'm sure.
Nice to see all the women getting booed and the men not, as usual. Eww.
Ooh, the two safe are... Helen and Gemma. OMG Sarah and Chad's FACES. It was like the anti Ika and Demetres crab eyes of joy when Neda was finally up on BBCAN. Amazing moment. Chad knows he's in for a night of moaning now, haha.
Sam and Jordan are no more! Cry me a river! Fuck off, fake reality twats. OMG the crowd are chanting get Sarah out. I can't believe it. They actually agree with me! Makes a bloody change!
It's a shame Jordan went over Sam, but let that be yet another message to BB that we don't want these scripted reality people in there. I mean, how did Helen get more votes than him?! I know she's more famous, but who is ringing in?
OMG at Jordan's embroidered jacket saying he was the winner. He's no Roger Federer, is he? Fail. The yellow socks and the yellow suit, too. Why!
Emma: 'I've never seen Ex on the Beach.' Burn.
Jordan: 'I thought going in there... everyone hates reality stars.' Weeeelll.
It's a shame for Jordan (not us) that he went in a way, as no one would have bothered nominating him if he hadn't been up due to that task. But I'm glad not to watch the bullshit bromance crap anymore.
I just realised I haven't been paying attention to this interview. Oh well. I did hear Emma say 'predictament' instead of 'predicament.'
Jordan saying Sarah is a nightmare and he hates her, haha. 'She's meant to be a role model, getting pissed, kicking off and hiding fags.' I hate Emma trying to turn it back on Jemma. He wasn't talking about Jemma! Jordan: 'This whole Chad thing is bullshit.' Yes!!! Emma can't deal when someone decides to speak the truth for once.
Ooh, just noticed Emma's outfit. Quite nice. Makes a change. That was fun! I'm enjoying the Sarah/ Chad/ Danan/ Jemma dynamic. It's an absolute car crash, but it sure does make good TV!

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Two birds, eight pack, cock out

Blog fans! You'll be happy to know I can't podcast right now because I'm sick and have lost my voice! I can only make victim croaks. But I have a fab new laptop so I'm going to be blogging my little socks off. But first! Let me get a vodka. You can put vodka in Lemsip, right?
Emma has a repreating pattern on but I'm not sure if I like it yet.
It's the morning after the nightly Sarah vs Paul smackhead crackdown. Derek is worried Sarah is 'sitting in the negative corner' ie. the smoking area. Kartik is brushing his teeth IN THE GARDEN. This is a new low! Where is the sink? Is he going to spit it onto the astroturf? ANIMAL.
Trisha: 'If I have to stay in this house with Sarah I'm going to self evict.' I can see her point. Sarah's one woman pity party is tiring. Even Derek and Barry nommed her. I just wish they told them the totals. She would have gone nuclear. All these bitches on Twitter feeling sorry for her! Fuck that. That's what she wants! And no, that doesn't mean I'm on Paul's side. I'm on no side, as they are all uncivil as fuck. I've seen politer arguments outside Wetherspoons.
Trisha: 'I know some vampires.' Jemma: 'So they kill people?' Trisha: 'You have to go on the dark web to find out about them.' Well they wouldn't be on the light web, would they?
Helen can't be bothered to talk in sentences anymore. I know the feeling.
Jordan telling Chad he did well to stick up for Sarah. Narcissists stick together.
I liked Jemma at first but she's constantly bitching. She moans about Sarah being negative but she's just as bad.
Trisha could do with some Dove Summer Glow. I'm a similar colour to her and it just makes you look less translucent. It's not tan, just a body lotion. I recommend it to pasty people.
Chad is 'just going to not wear pants today'. I like Chad best when he's just chatting to Trisha.
Sandi has to do a task where she has to be the best at everything ie. one upping everyone and winning Tina Turner songs in return.
Sarah bragging about her massage skills, her 'strong thumbs' and then singing her past hits with Sandi. She's quite tragic at times.
Trisha saying she wants to be boring so she gets evicted. I just voted for her! Wish I hadn't now. Zzz. Sandi is trying to make her twerk. What is it with Big Brother and twerking. They are more obsessed with it than cats ears.
Sandi now has to make Barry do something but I wasn't paying attention. I can't be fucked to rewind. Doesn't seem worth it.
Karthik has never met anyone like Trisha who just orders in food and makes her living off YouTube.
What happened with Chad and Amelia? Now he's after Sarah but he's playing the long game, ha. 'If I go home tomorrow it won't happen.' Is he storylining to stay in?!
Trisha's underboob looks sore.
Sarah and Paul are making up AGAIN. Sarah is blaming Jemma for everything. Eek, Paul Danan's top knot. Yucksville.
I just saw the bottom of Emma's dress. Fuck NO.
We're about to hear 'highly offensive language that is not for the faint hearted'. Ooh. Let's see if my heart can take it. Pass the smelling salts.
Sam said 'Trisha looks like she's permanently about to have a download.' What does that mean? Did I mishear?
Then Brandi said to Sam 'you're such a little a cunty whore'?. He sure is.
Chad has 'fashioned himself some new hooves.'
Why is Brandi apologising to Sam so hard? Who cares? He IS a little cunty fame whore and a nipple flicking twat. He wouldn't even still be there if Jemma had complained about him, as she should have done. I think Sam is dragging the idiot Jordan down, and that's saying something.
Tina Turner disco! Derek's dancing is good. Not really. Looks like he's about to take off. Are there too many oldies in the house? I think one or two in their fifties is fine, and people in their thirties are good, but Barry, Derek, Karthik, Shaun, Helen... it feels a bit top heavy. I'm not ageist, I love old man Jerry and Kim Woodburn. I just don't want to hear a bunch of oldies moaning about their arthritis. We have Christmas in BB19 for that.
Paul on Chad: 'Two birds, eight pack, cock out.'
Why is Trisha jealous about Chad smoking with Sarah? He smoked three cigarettes straight, haha. Trisha sounds mental. She's got Chad on lockdown.
Trisha calling Chad a fake. Jemma's ONLY storyline is hating on Sarah. I like Sarah's dress today. Is Amelia still on the show? Now her fake love triangle has died I haven't seen her.
The rose cat ears are next level grim. BURN THEM, BIG BROTHER.
Jemma could start an argument in an empty room. I still don't know what about. Oh, cos someone said 'are you still going on about it?' Was it Paul? It's not worth rewinding is it. This episode is just not worth rewinding on any level.
Jemma is bitching to Derek. Perhaps he can put her in a more positive seating area. Calling Paul 'a fucking little rat', haha. I actually feel sorry for Derek having to deal with these neurotic bitches (that includes Paul).
What is the drunk mess Jemma wearing? A wonky vest, bra and some weird jogging bottoms. Paul: 'Don't threaten me, you're not a bloke.' Ha. Jemma: 'You're a little snakey rat.' *cue snake sound effect* Paul: 'Don't step up to me like that, you aint no gangster.'
Jemma: 'Take your silly little shades off.' Haha. There's no prison sentence long enough for Jemma and Paul's collective fashion crimes.
Paul: 'All this rat shit? If someone steps up to me like that they'd be on their fucking arse.' Rat shit? Rachet more like.
Those were actually entertaining highlights for an eviction episode, the last part, anyway.
Safe are Sarah and Chad! They didn't even hear it at first. Was nice when they hugged although I do think he's playing up the showmance because he knows she's popular. So it's out of Karthik and Trisha to go. Ooh! I wonder who will go? God, Sam is such a knob.
Not another American woman out, please! Ooh it was Karthik. Oh well. No loss. I haven't found him entertaining or interesting but Trisha needs to do something now.
Karthik's probably happy to be out of the mad house. Are there going to be more adverts now? What a joke.
Karthik doing 'just got off the boat' jokes. I think his heart is in the right place, he just seems a bit of an odd duck. But apparently he was good on The Apprentice but I don't watch it anymore.
I heard that Sarah has a boyfriend actually! Interesting. She does seem quite chummy with Chad now. Does HE know she's got a boyfriend?
Karthik doesn't know if he's going to be a celebrity or going back to being an IT guy. Let me see.
We never even got to wax his monobrow. I don't mind his turquoise jeans, though.
WTF Big Brother is on at half ten tomorrow because of the football but is showing on 5* at 9? WEIRD. I wouldn't be surprised if they just stuck it all on 5* like they did with BOTS the other night. I missed BOTS that night! Dumb. They don't give a fuck.
The pod will be back when my voice is back! Love ya.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: I don't know what the public wanted from me

No caption required

So I'm back, baby, for the first eviction. I hope it's not Marissa! She does't deserve to be up. Or Trisha, but that goes without saying. I also hope it's not Karthik for obvious reasons, although I don't like him as a person generally (just dropped my lady card there), I felt for him as a human trying to reason with an erratic, racist, ranting and orange Paul Danan.
I have been enjoying the series on the whole so far EXCEPT Jordan and Sam's pathetic friendship AND the Chad/ Amelia and Sam 'love triangle.' I have been entertained by Sarah Harding's meltdowns and the racist and sexist bits because it's real world stuff, not fake reality BS. That's the Big Brother I enjoy.
Emma looks a bit 'end of pier Elvis' tonight, not great following last week's vavavoom. 
Karthik and Chad both getting heavy boos.
Have you noticed Sarah has a fake posh DR voice like when you're on the phone at work?
I'm not sure what Danan is even moaning about when he says Sarah took it too far. Sarah: 'I have eyes in the back of my head and one beady eye on Paul.' Is that one from the back of your head or one of your front two? Eww, Sarah's cats pee on things. That's unusual cat behaviour. Cats don't normally do that unless they're old or ill. Get Jackson Galaxy in.
Jordan is bitching because Marissa said she openly wanted a showmance with him. His fake principles make me lol. He wanted a 'real casual kiss.' What even is that? A kiss is just a kiss, Jordan! Then: 'My nan always said why stick to one book when you have a library?' Is your nan a goer, Jordan? Paul: 'she was never going to move to Wales' before perving on Marissa's 'box splits' (eww).
Ha, they just played the first clip again because they're dumbos. I'm surprised Emma could style it out so well without her cue cards.
I really want to get on board with Karthik but he's annoying as fuck. Marissa's accent is amazing! I feel like they just put a different chip in her. 'These people aren't going to be your friends.' I believe it when she says it, unlike when Josie said it. 'Sometimes you have to flex to get respect.'
Paul went down to Compton 'why do you think' and pretended he had a gun in his pocket. 'I mean, Iove NWA and all that.' Tsk, white people!
Derek is asking Sarah about 'the Irish one' from Girls Aloud. Sarah: 'Yeah we FaceTime.' At least SHE'S not in the house. That accent only works on Jamie Dornan. Sarah, just say they're a bunch of cunts and none of them speak to you anymore, we don't care. In fact, we'd like you more.
Jemma is bitter (not glitter) because Sarah once had a career but now she's just like them, with a month free in the summer.
Oh I remembered why Paul is upset now, cos she said about him being an addict. Does Paul Danan still drink, or is he still drunk from back in the day?
Sandi is getting so little airtime! Ooh, Sandi is saying Sarah is 'drinking and behaving in a certain manner.' How long before they show this on the screens.
Sarah: 'I'm trying to change people's perceptions of me.' Paul: 'Then don't drink then.' If Paul Danan is telling you this, listen. Paul: 'You wouldn't drink on a job.' Maybe she would. Sarah drinks 'in moderation'. She obviously needs it to cope. Paul: 'You're going to get that mash up..' Mash up, ha. 90s talk! Paul is worried that he made a fool of himself on Love Island. You're making a fool of yourself now, fucknut. Paul: 'I see myself in you.' Maybe he is trying to help her, in his own way? I'm not sure, but I think he might be. Twitter says otherwise but if you're an alcoholic you CAN'T have one drink, that's the point. One leads to two, just ask George Galloway.
How can Paul be sober yet still sound so fucking drunk?! Telling Amelia to have a rebound relationship with Sam. Please don't.
Sam saying Marissa wore tighter clothes and cuddled up to Jordan to stave off eviction. Sam wouldn't mind her cuddling up to him, though.
Marissa 'just wants to vibe' with Jordan and be in the moment (and then in the magazine deal). Jordan: 'It sounded like you just might be using me.' I'm sure a lot of guys would love to be used by her, what is this idiot's problem? Did he want to marry all of the 1,500 girls he shagged? Was he 'just using' any of them? Tool.
Chad booed, Karthik booed, Marissa half and half, Sarah cheered (and emotional), Trisha booed. I like Trisha's glittering sea cape. Chic!
Safe are Trisha, Chad and Sarah! So it's either Karthik or Marissa to go. I hope it's not Karthik now, argh.
Karthik has his coat in his hand. I wish I'd voted for him now. Lol, someone in the crowd shouted 'get Paul out' and Paul went 'alright dude'.
Marissa got evicted! Trisha's face at that point was a picture, lol. In fact, I'll use that as my picture. Karthik 'what the hell?' Marissa: 'I fucking knew it.' Oh well, fuck that showmance. Let's have some more racism for me to get angry about, it's more interesting. At least the public voted the right way.
Marissa is dragging her feet. You're gonna get no interview at this rate. Ooh, Marissa ia grumpy. I actually voted to save her but then regretted it, haha.
Marissa looks stunning but is a bad loser, and I guess we're tired of showmances. Self proclaimed underdog. You weren't!
'I didn't know what the public wanted from me' and nor should you! You have no fanbase out here. Ooh, that is true, Barry put her up. I don't think she would have been up otherwise.
Emma mentioning the American version like she knows. She doesn't know these BB streets.
I like Emma's glittery eye make up. Marissa's lip is twitching like she wants to cry.
Hopefully this is a trend, that we'll get rid of the dull showmancers. I would love to see Sam get the boot next.
Marissa: 'Do you guys want something to happen?' about her and Jordan. Will you fuck him if we ask you to? Honestly, make up your own mind!
And then going 'should I have started arguments?' Argh! No! Just be normal.
Ooh this end bit with Jordan still carping about the magazine deal and it not being 'real'. You're riddled! Stop acting, you little bitch!
I do think it's a shame to lose Marissa, but it's a shame to lose most people at this point. The person we really don't want to lose? Paul Danan. Yep, you heard right. We need the madness.
Our latest CBB podcast is here for those who listen! BB19 coming tomorrow.

Celebrity Big Brother 2017: Launch night and first night epicness

Early boot(ies)

Sorry I missed blogging launch night, but I was AT launch night! A bunch of podcasters and Twitter peeps got invited down for a house tour and to meet Rylan and watch the show live, and it was really nuts and fun and exciting. Rylan in particular was very, very cool and definitely a massive Big Brother fan. If you want to know more about how the day went, have a listen to this, as it talks you through the whole thing. Was so lush seeing the house and meeting other supergeeks like myself.
But because I was there I felt like I didn't really watch the show, which is mad because I watched it in person. So now I'm going to watch it again and see all the bits I missed and how it looks from another angle!
I have to say I'm feeling a bit Big Brothered out right now, so wish me luck, haha.
First let's make it clear, we did not go 'whoop whoop'! OMG look at those fireworks! From the drone! That's mad, we saw that hovering all about! It's mad seeing everything from a different angle.
Emma looked GORGEOUS last night and no, I'm not toeing the party line, she looked fucking ace, hair, dress, everything. The colour of her dress is beautiful. Her and Rylan are both so skinny!
Basically where we were stood was behind the friends and family, directly behind Emma. The lighting and staging etc looks really cool when you're there. Being in the house was TOTALLY surreal, especially because Rylan was in there. It was mental. I still feel like it was just a dream.
First in is Barry from Eastenders, aka Shaun Williamson. We'll be calling him Barry, I'm sure. It was a bit hard to see and hear the VTs from where we were plus there's loads of cheering and noise, so it's great to watch this properly now, ha. Was fun booing and cheering people! You don't really care whether you're booing or cheering, it's just making random noise to be honest, but that might just be because it's launch night and we're not invested in anyone yet.
It's mad when you see them come out though, because you realise they are just real people, not characters off the telly. I like Barry. He seems nice.
It's really FUCKING WEIRD seeing the house now I've been in there, like trippy weird. Because it didn't look like last week. It looked like a furniture showroom. The Diary Room is well duff though, looks like it's got my nan's old sofa in it. And the fields still?! Insane.
Next in is Sarah Harding, a singer from Girls Aloud. I always kind of liked her (except when she was in Corrie). Her face used to look a bit melted but she kind of looks OK again now. She used to be really gorgeous. I think she'll be a good character. Is she quoting Ronan Keating? I did NOT like her hair or outfit when she went in. Ooh, she's got her bra out. That scraped up hair looks icky. Her and Amelia Lily both had bad launch night hairdos. I think she's going to be good in the house, though.
Barry's task is annoying. I know his earpiece fucked up but it just looked such a dud on TV and there. Why do they do all these cringey first night twists?! Just let them mingle!
Next is some dick from posho scripted reality crap Made in Chelsea, Sam. 'It's the best job in the world.' Doing what?! Reading off cue cards? He came out to the new Killers song! He doesn't deserve The Killers! Knob! I was booing him. I am now officially the idiot general public. I was trying not to boo the women though. He looks like a cross between James Blunt and Chris Martin, which is the poshest mash up ever, with highlights. Lol, I did like it when he said 'we are definitely reinacting that Janine moment' to Barry. Sam's got a dry mouth *coke head*.
The fourth housemate is Derek Acorah. I used to watch Most Haunted quite a bit in an old relationship of mine and it was pretty stupid but fun at the time. I loved it when he used to abuse and assault Yvette Fielding and pretend it was a ghost doing it. Sam! His invisible friend (sorry, spiritual guardian). But there's already a Sam in the house. This is going to get confusing. He likes being booed cos he likes ghosts, right? Derek thinks there might be ghosts in the Big Brother house. Jade Goody? Derek is not going to use his secret powers in the house. Probably because the cameras would catch him wiggling stuff around in the dark (oo-er).
Barry then had to do some more stuff (hug Derek and pour water over himself) which he didn't do because he couldn't hear - convenient!
Next in is Marissa, a mob wife. She's a lot more attractive than the previous mob wife. Why is she wading round in water? She looks gorgeous, a bit Neve Campbell and someone else as well, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Her figure looks amazing. I hope she's going to be an absolute cunt.
Sandi from Gogglebox was in next. I thought it was going to be Sandra going in, not Sandy! I like them both, though. I can't believe that was her twerking on all fours in her VT, I love it. She's either going to be brilliant or annoying as fuck. She was MILKING the crowd reaction but why not.
Her entrance outfit was mad! The braids! The side boob! Also you can see me and Gaz in the audience during that bit, lol. I look like a right gorm.
You may know Chad from the Bachelorette. No, we don't know you. He's basically perfect. Ew, veiny arms. 'I can't have sex with all of you but I promise to keep trying.' Eww. STDs. Hopefully he'll be a good villian, cos he's deffo sexist. I like the fact he said 'I've seen a couple of clips online'. He's 100% going to be out of his depth then!
I don't like Helen Lederer. Annoying! It's like putting Sandi Toksvig in there, as far as I'm concerned. Yawn.
Next in is someone from The Apprentice with a monobrow. Karthik. I hope someone gives him a good waxing in the house. I don't know anything about this guy. He explained you say his name like 'carsick... go kart.' Ha.
Why has Sandi got hold of Derek's ear?! Maybe she's on a task, too.
Next up was Brandi, who looked like Jenna Jameson's mum. 'I'm best known for saying fuck a lot and drinking a lot of wine.' Fair enough. She said her husband married a 'cunt... ry music star.' Ha. Her husband left her for Leanne Rimes. 'I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking solution, rose all fucking day and go fuck yourself.' I can get behind that, tbh. She looked great IRL when she came out, very sexy in that outfit. I think she might be wearing Relentlessly Red lipstick from Mac that I was also wearing yesterday.
This Jordan idiot is Megan McKenna's ex. Absolute knob. All the superfans were annoyed about him going in because Ellie was in civillian. These Ibiza Weekender twats shouldn't be in civillian OR celebrity, in my opinion. Detritus. He seems high as a kite and looks like he's dressed for a wedding. He wants '15 girls in there and just me.' Haha, he says he's slept with 1,500 women. ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED. Kieran, you're slacking. His local VD clinic must be working overtime, what an absolute skank. Well, if he wasn't a total liar, that is.
Trisha has one billion views on YouTube. 'How to lick your own vagina.' Sounds good. She described herself as 'sexy, smart and slutty.' I would pretty much describe myself the same way. I like her! She's going to be a character. Why are they all sitting in a puddle? She's self proclaimed good TV. And her dress! OMG. She looks like a hippo in a tutu. I love it. This is infinitely better than Trisha Goddard going in. I cheered!
On her YouTube channel: 'I cry, I eat, I break down.' That sounds brilliant. Aw, she thinks we don't like her. I like her! Look at her boob buckles and her hair and her glittery eyeshadow and red listick. She's out of breath from just going down the stairs! Sandi looked agog.
Next up is Jemma Lucy, a tattoo model, whatever than is. She has a very puffy face and a tattooed face and neck. She's bisexual. 'Of course I'm going to be a good housemate, I've got tits, teeth and tantrums.' I like all these little mantras they have! I think she seems alright. I don't like those old curtains she was wearing though, and her hair looked gross. I'm glad she got cheered, though.
Amelia Lily is in next. I think she's a bit bland but she has a good voice. I used to like her pink hair. I definitely don't like people (especially women) proudly proclaiming they're thick. She's coming onto some hard house! I don't like her hair up AT ALL. Looks so mumsy. The tassles are not good either. Looks like she's been raiding Hannah and Deborah's wardrobes.
They saved the best for last, reality stalwart Paul Danan! Woooo! He's been on the CBB bucket list of me and my friend Dawn for about a decade since Celebrity Love Island. He is Bear-esque but he was doing Bear's schtick while Bear was still sucking lollipops.
But what the fuck was he wearing? His powder blue suit seems to have a skirt attached. And those shoes! Why is he so orange?
Paul: 'Are we allowed to mention Love Island?' Emma: 'The old version, yes.' Lol. OMG Paul's son is called Deniro Danan. Amazing.
So the last bit of Barry's awkward task happened next but I can't bear to watch it for a second time, it was so embarrassing. Also, even if it hadn't fucked up, stopping someone from going into the garden? Who cares! What are the stakes? Lazy as fuck as an idea. Terrible.
That was mad watching all that again. I think I'm mad for sitting through it twice anyway. Then again discussing it on the next pod. Argh! I am being eaten alive by Big Brother and I'm just going with it.
Ok, now we're onto tonight's show! Ooh the credits/ opening titles are very glitzy.
And they didn't over egg the recap from last night of everyone going in! Well done, Big Brother, treating us like we have a brain and can remember a day ago, encouraging. Just don't ask me to remember a week ago.
Barry passed his secret mission. God knows how, he was shit. Ooh! He didn't pass. He just won a killer nomination and not immunity. It's a bit unfair as he only met people five minutes ago.
Ooh, he nominated Marissa for making him nervous by saying 'don't get in my space.' Ha. She's going to kick his arse. Shaun/ Barry is in a grump. 'Thanks for nothing.' Marissa doesn't seem too bothered.
Amelia Lily loves Prosecco or as she calls it, 'lady fizz.' Chad thinks that sounds dirty. God knows what he's confusing that with.
I could see Barry and Sandi becoming good mates.
Sarah is talking about living in the country. Paul Danan is asking inappropriate questions already about her ex. He seems drunk out of his head. Paul: 'I know you had issues like I did.' She's magazine dealing already! Shameless.
Jordan is very hyper (ie. coked up). The sugar plum fairy is calling him extra and he thinks she means he's an extra in his show, haha.
Trisha: 'Are you an escort? Europeans have skin on their dick, right?' This is a good line of questioning. Imagine NOT having skin on your dick. Horrifying. Brandi is a Tom Jones fan. Jordan: 'I'm from Wales.' Trisha: 'Like Princess Diana.' Haha.
That astro turf feels so thick under your feet, it's mad when you're in there. Have I mentioned I've been in there, haha. I love Paul Danan already.
Marissa is using the words 'chopping block', ha. Very American.
Jordan: 'You've tooken it well.' You're thick as fuck.
Marissa is saying everything is OK to Barry. But is it? She seems annoyed still. I like her line: 'I'm not sensitive.' I like her, I hope she doesn't go.
Marissa is 32 but 'looks younger' according to her. I think she looks great. Sarah is bitching about her ex. Get over it! Shit happens. No one cares. Keep that to yourself.
Paul is not single. He's 'with the mother of his child.' That was weird phrasing. His girlfriend? Chad and Jordan are single and ready to mingle. Did someone just say 'slide into my DMs'? Dearie me.
This girl has tattoos ON HER FACE. Rotten. Sallie Axl! Her flirting with Chad is disgusting. I wonder if he goes for girls who look like Jeremy McConnell's neck double?
Chad saying he's 29 to Amelia Lily. 'I used to smoke and drink a lot.' A hell of a lot, you look 40, mate. 'My last partner was 21.' I think you're in there, Amelia.
Jemma can't fall in love with a girl. Trisha can lick pussy but can't 'get down with a girl.' Isn't that getting down with a girl? Gemma wants the girl to go home after sex. Are these two coming onto each other?
Jemma knows she'll end up with a man. Trisha is not so sure. Trisha used to be an escort, but then found Jesus. That's nice.
Helen doesn't want to share a bed with anyone. I wouldn't either.
Jordan and Sam are asking Jemma who she fancies. She doesn't fancy Chad because his vibe is too cocky.
Brandi on Chad: 'He's a boy man.' Haha.
Chad is chatting up every girl in the house. Total fanny rat.
I pressed the Diary Room button. But Paul Danan pressed the fire alarm. The button is at the bottom of the stairs, dummy! It is a bit of a stupid place to have it, right outside the door.
He's recounting the tale of him setting off the fire alarm as if he's just come back from war.
They are now claiming all the beds and asking Derek to tell them ghost stories, haha. God, Jordan and Sam are annoying already.
Paul doesn't want to be in the crazy room. Any room with him in is the crazy room. Paul wants to get some sleep. Try doing less cocaine.
Helen is storylining about the beds. Bedgate! Derek cannot sleep with a lady.
I love those kitchen chairs! I discussed them with Rylan. And I took a picture of the handwash. I'm not sure why.
Gemma actually seems OK, despite her poor life choices with those tattoos. She seems friendly and interested in people.
Karthik wants to talk to Derek about spirits tomorrow. Derek: 'I can't conjure them to me.' Isn't that what mediums do?
I love that pastel pink geometric duvet cover. Sam: 'If you get voted out first, you look like a prick.' Haha. Let's make his dream come true!
Paul doesn't know 'which girl to shoot for.' And 'They're all hot enough for me to date right now.' Chad: 'But not the old lady, even though she's awesome. And they all seem open to me.' Imagine if a girl was talking like that about the men in the house! If he's 29, I'm 5. He's probably the same age as Helen Lederer.
All in all, I'm happy with the housemates who went in. There's not too many reality TV slags (and I mean both men and women) and I think there's a few firecrackers in there.
Fuck me, I've been blogging for about three hours. I'm absolutely knackered. I'm off to eat some crisps. Listen to BB on Blast! Love, peace and harmony! I'm out!