Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: The Final - He wouldn't say boo to a ghost

Well, here we are. I'm not as excited about this final as the whole world seems to be, as it's boring when you know who's gonna win, especially when it's a ruddy-faced bigot. But imagine if there were a shock? Then we'd be talking. I'm going to vote for Luisa and Dappy, as I don't think there's much point voting for Casey. OMFG I just voted for Jim by accident then I had to vote for Dappy and Luisa twice to cancel it out. Fumble fingers.I probably just sealed Casey's fate.
It's raining. God is displeased with the potential Jim win. Liz got cheers! Put that tongue away, Lee. Finally, our chance to boo him. Where's Evander?
The last supper! Nothing will ever beat 'my England, my kryptonite' with Heidi demanding more wine.
Casey's speech: 'Dappy, you have a lot of goodness in your body.' OK. Sam's speech: white noise.
If Ollie really likes Sam, why doesn't he try and get off with her? It's not that hard to do. Just pucker up!
Dappy's speech was cute. I believe he does love everyone there. That was nice what he said to Jim. 
'Follow this shit' is a good point: they need to cast the next Big Brother wisely and capitalise in this one's success. 
Aw, it was Casey. Interesting outfit she's got on. She looks beautiful. No people getting evicted two by two like last year at least. No Janice and Mario shame! No vote closing before the show even starts, hehe!
LOL to Jasmine's face when Casey was talking! What a sourpuss. The eye is open! No one is booing Casey, but they're booing Lee and Jasmine! Good, glad he's getting his abuse at last.
Casey is being charming and lovely. I'm so glad the crowd are backing her. I was expecting the interview to be shorter, too, so I'm glad she got a reasonably decent amount of time. Bit mean of Emma to say go and see your friends and 'fam-LEE' though.
Why is Luisa getting booed tonight. Sam's cheers are quite lacklustre. YES, Sam is out next. That was the right result. I don't like her dress, she looks like Jackie Collins. This interview is going to be SO BORING.
We're timing Sam's interview. It was five minutes long. How come they never mentioned Sam being ill in the whole time she was in there, apart from the boils? I feel a bit sorry for her, because everyone's been so hard on her and maybe she was really sick? I mean, who is entertaining when they're sick? I'm not.
Mind you, illness is no excuse for that interminable fauxmance. She said she'll go Borough Market, but I don't think she'll be up for the Tate. Are we going to have to sit through these 'highlights' again when Ollie goes? Save us!
Jim said he didn't hold hands but he's holding Dappy's hand now. I knew it would be Luisa next somehow. My boyfriend just said, 'who on earth is voting for Ollie? That's a real worry.'
I like the fact Luisa booed the crowd right back. 'Let's talk about sex.' Pathetic eviction song. Luisa's giving her 'no bullshit' speech. It's like a mantra. She kind of reminds me of Rachel Reilly from BBUS in a way, just no filter, doesn't give a fuck, totally herself, obnoxious, entertaining.
Me and James just cried with laughter at 'wouldn't say boo to a ghost'. Ghosts don't mind if you say boo to them! That's the international language of ghosts. I missed most of her interview because we were crying with laughter at that.
Luisa: 'I love Dappy's dick!' They should have asked her what she thought about Evander Holyfield's homophobia.
Dappy is doing the 'I'm next' talk. Ollie's third! What is Ollie wearing, he looks like he's got his dressing gown on. It's got a bow on the back. Aw, sappy Ollie. How does he cope in the world?
I like the way Jim and Dappy are sitting on the couch cuddling. Who'd have thought those two would be there at the end.
This interview is going to suck. I think the word 'nice' has been said about 50 times. 'It's all about Ollie, baby.' Ollie should go, 'At least I beat you, Luisa.' WOULD Ollie say boo to a ghost? Depends what the cue cards say, I guess. Ollie as downgraded his epic London date to 'dinner'.
That meant so much to Dappy, you know. He was desperate to win. I don't think I've ever seen the final two so close, kissing each other and everything, are they gay or what, ha. 'I told you.' Jim look pissed off when he won. I like Dappy's zebra trousers. LOL Tulisa is there.
My boyfriend just pointed out that Dappy did come a close second after all. Dappy's going on about his mum and his dick again. Jim's gonna check out all Dappy's DVDs and videos when he comes out.
Jim and Dappy's fishing show FTW.
Dappy: 'I'm more of a softie than Lee Ryan.' Dappy's interview was too cute. It actually feels like he did go on 'journey' from dickhead to sexist to softie. He actually is 4 Real, in his own way.
I feel NOTHING seeing Jim in the Big Brother house on his own, but it's the same way I felt when Charlotte won six months ago. Goodbye house, goodbye stairs. Compared to watching Tim win Big Brother Australia a few weeks ago, which was magical and moving, this is empty and embarrassing. This is a country-wide humiliation.
As I typed in my final labels, one that came up was 'jim davidson is a cunt.' I clicked on it, and up came this blog by me: http://lightupvirginmary.blogspot.co.uk/2009/04/archives-of-pain-dark-side-of-fame-with.html
In case you're too scared to click, here's a quote from the man himself, about Brian Dowling, two times Big Brother winner: 'He might be gay, poof, shirtlifter, sausage jockey, whatever, it wasn't the fact he was gay, it was the fact he was an arsehole.' These are words from JIM'S MOUTH, you can look up that Piers Morgan show and watch him say it HIMSELF.
OMG, why didn't I find this sooner?! ARGH! That blog ends with the words: 'Jim Davidson; another thing from the 80s to put in the dustbin.' I guess you can't keep a good man down, right?
I also found this one about Hell's Kitchen: http://lightupvirginmary.blogspot.co.uk/2007/09/hells-kitchen-marco-pierre-white.html which isn't even THAT edition of Hell's Kitchen, but I also tagged Lee Ryan in that post, which is peculiar. Was he in that season? People make you doubt your own mind but if I'm calling Jim a sexist, racist wife-beater in 2007, and it's now 2014, it's not like I fucking DREAMT IT. Stop erasing the past already.
I've heard too many people say that housemates should be judged on their time in the house, and largely I agree, but NOT in this case, and NOT when a comment he made, that had 300 complaints, was about the ultimate Big Brother ALL STAR. Don't pretend you like Big Brother, those who voted for him. You didn't do your research and you made a mistake. And you know what? He will fuck up. He won't keep that act up indefinitely. And then I'll be the one like Dappy saying, 'I told you.' You know I will!
I note Emma did not mention Frank Carson's dressing room and him besmirching the name of a dead man. I notice a lot of things, actually. All of them bad. A sad end to a brilliant series. What you gonna tell your daughter?

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Face down, arse up

Is it really the penultimate episode of Big Brother? it's been a hell of a ride, but with the the extermination of the fanny rat there's nowhere to go but down. The best days are behind us, but there's still a fight to the death ahead. Who will it be? Creepy old man Jim Davidson? Loveable but naive Casey? 'I'm only being honest' Luisa? Schlong swinger Dappy? And... who are the other two again?
Why are Jim and Casey acting like they're in a Carry On movie? I know Lee's gone now, but Jim?!
Luisa is thanking the peasants - sorry, public - in the Diary Room.
I like Ollie and Dappy being mates, it's cute. Dappy and Jim are working out how to get in the bath with Luisa and Casey. I like the fact Dappy, Ollie and Jim are such different men but all get on.
I think Dappy needs to work on his pranks. Tim from Big Brother Australia could give them a few tips: cutting though someone's curling iron wire, and rubbing garlic on their make up brush and then crying when they put an egg in his jacket pocket.
Why is there Fairy Liquid by the bath? Are they using that as bubble bath? Thrush alert! Casey's probably already got it off Lee Ryan, anyway.
Ollie and Sam are upping their game, going on about willies and vaginas. Desperate.
I'm glad Dappy's getting a task. I like it when Dappy has fun. Not good at freestyling? Boo.
Sam Faier's is pretending she could have been fun if she'd had more booze. Ooh, Jim sticking it to Lionel and no one looked happy. 'Acts like he's gay'! Whatever could he mean?! I hope the Jim mob are taking note of their saviour's behaviour tonight cos he's coming off like a bit of a cock.
Dappy's raps are funny! Spotted dick and fake tan. I would have liked to have seen more of that. Jim: 'I thought it was an album track.'
Jim is LORDING it in that house right now. And also being really crude and creepy. Ollie, stop trying to be street. It's bad enough when Dappy does it. Everyone seems very jolly today, even Ollie and Sam.
Ollie's impressions were pretty shit. Don't give up the day job. Oh...
Ollie, stop doing the whispering talk again. I wouldn't mind whispering in the bedroom. Dappy seems to enjoy the sweet talk, lol. He's game. No wonder Ollie's never pulled a bloke if he's been whispering all these years.
Last chance saloon task. Secret questions from the housemates! I like the fact we find out who asked which question. Casey is dealing with this well.
These questions are all about sex! It's rude. That Linda question was blatant editing. It was a good task though.
Fuck you Ollie and Sam's 'imaginary' romance on the OUTSIDE. Who cares about a romance on the outside. Dappy's horror that Ollie doesn't like doggy style.
Sam's fake tan defense for not standing up to Ollie! What is she wearing? She looks like a neon marker.
Dappy is 'the real bed bully'. TMI. He finds Luisa intimidating. No shit.
Jim, stop playing the bad year card! The year is over! And stop being so fucking disgusting. 'It's been an honour.' Spare me.
Luisa, what a trouper, offering to take the boos for Casey. Hmm, I don't like Luisa and Jim's uneasy alliance, it makes me twitch.
Casey seems like a weight's been lifted now Lee's gone.
Jim: 'It's not attractive being intimidating.' Then, 'If you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.' That's Jim's gameplan in one sentence. He spelt it out for you. Are you still going to vote for him? Really?
Oh so it's not OK for Luisa to sleep with men because then they might tell the nice men she wants as boyfriends about it. What is this, the school playground? His views are so outdated and narrow-minded. Then he hints he's been to sex parties. So it's OK for him, then? Same old story, no wonder him and Dappy are bros.
Luisa doesn't need to change to meet the right guy. She just needs to meet the right guy and he'll accept her as she is.
Ollie's date sounds exhausting. My feet would hurt after Borough Market. I don't think Sam wants to go to the Tate Modern either.
Jim reminding Casey that Lee's a fanny rat. Mega lols. That's not a term of endearment for you, either, Casey.
Ollie and Sam know how to do some 'harmless flirting'. Where are the cue cards?
And that's it. Save Dappy, Casey and Luisa. With a miracle, someone other than Jim can win it.

Monday, 27 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I rest my Casey

I was saving that title for when Casey got evicted, but as she won't get evicted til the final now, I'm wheeling it out. Hope you like it.
The unravelling of Lee Ryan, hey? I think that rat's already unraveled. There's just a tail left. 'Why am I suddenly being perceived as a love rat?' Suddenly?! I see he's already been doing the apology tours on Twitter, probably at gunpoint.
Lee Ryan's pasty body makes me sick. Dappy's skinny one don't look much better. 
Casey's mum! Lee's doing some crab eyes. That was really sad. I don't know if that is going to help her or not. Sometimes it's best not to know. 'He's mugged you off, darlin'!' Casey's mum is lovely, too. When she said 'I've got one thing to say' I thought she was going to say something to Lee! She should have stuck it to Lee. But she complimented Jim! Not more fuel for his popularity fire, please. Oh, Jim and his strategic tear drop. I love the way Lee comes over and goes 'it was nice to see your mum wasn't it?' Well, sort of. They're not doing very well at keeping quiet during this task, are they? I bet Ollie's pissed off he never stroked his dog now.
Lee: 'I'm going to have people proper hate me now.' People hated you anyway, tbh. Lee's still trying to wheedle out of it with Casey!
Stop making Lee look like some love rat player! Ha! He DOES know that Casey has feelings towards him! Twonk. 'I'm the only wanker looking like a fucking dickhead.' Well...
OMG! Jim to Casey: 'If you were my daughter I'd still be bathing you.' NOT CREEPY AT ALL.
Who's this rabble who've come in for Dappy? Where's Tulisa and Fazer? Nice of megaphone guy to say he loved Ollie. At least someone does. And they made fun of Lee.
I like Luisa's mum too! LOL why did she tell Jim she loved him?! What is going on? Why is everyone kissing Jim! I thought she was going to have Dappy over 'LOOSE' gate. That would have been my priority as a mother.
Lee's doing a Nick Bateman under the covers. 'That mamma ting really threw me.' Stop speaking like that, Lee! You sound like a twat. I love the way Dappy comforts people. He's really sweet. I might forgive him for 'loose' gate, you know. Has he repented? I might even vote for him again?! I can't decide!
Lee: 'I'm just a cunt.' Dappy: 'I hear you, bro.'
Jim's wife is absolutely stunning and his daughter was beautiful. Trading in five times obviously works. Giving the shirts to Luisa was quite cunty though. Keep your subjugation to yourself.
They are SHIT at this task! They must have about 12,000 fails. Ollie looks nice when he's enjoying himself dancing and not weeping his fake tan off.
Lee's in the toilet crying because Casey's not speaking to him anymore.
Isn't it a bit of a giveaway when they gathered them all on the sofas? And why WAS Lee wearing his coat indoors? Luisa's only thought on Lee's eviction: 'He's gone dressed like that.' He didn't look too bad! Jim is gaming caring about Casey again. Pervert.
Jim wants to know why he's sexist from Luisa so he can change. Hilarious. Oh now he's like, 'You shouldn't have been influenced by that woman.' Did Jim ever find out if he was sexist or not? Didn't think so.
Oh, now onto some power play in the garden with Ollie. 'Are you seeing a fella?' No. 'It doesn't bother me ONE BIT.' One, you're lying. No normal person would have to state that. Two. It's none of your business, so fuck off, you red faced prick. It's like going 'I know a black person!' It's fucking transparent.
Who's cap is Dappy using to cover his knob during his naked pool dive? I hope it's his own.
I'm not even going to comment on Sam and Ollie, it's so fucking dull, I could stab myself silly.
Aw, Casey misses Lee! Shame. Luisa is not very good at counselling. Her cake eating skills seem quite honed though.
Two more days! Bring it on. I want a final three of Luisa, Dappy, then Casey. Don't think I've got much hope though.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Fanny rat gets backdoored

I haven't watched the Jasmine clip because that to me, is like opening your Christmas presents early. I like to get my entertainment all in one go. Ha, Casey seems to have got her screwface back on. Poor sod.
Oh God, not another erection from Lee Ryan. I love the fact Luisa asks the questions we all want to know, even if Lee gives the answers of a squirming politician.
Freeze task recycled. Blue have just appeared from out of a grandfather clock. Lee Ryan is having to fight the urge to wail. Are Blue singing live? They sound better without Lee singing on it. ONE LOVE! OMG Duncan went to Lee 'Jasmine really likes you, I've been hanging out with her.' This is like when Federico told them Michael Jackson was dead. I think that happened. I can't be bothered to check facts now.
Oh so Lee is dumping Casey again now. Tasteful. Honestly, he deserves to go. At first I thought it was unfair that the producers were manipulating this shit
Sam Faiers mum looks younger than her sister. She's proud of Sam for not saying a word for three weeks. Seems like a lovely woman, though.
Uh oh, Ollie's about to have a meltdown. Is he allowed to say 'my mum'? I don't think you should bring animals in, it's cruel, especially when Ollie couldn't stroke the dog back. The way Ollie reacted to his mum coming up proved him to be an even bigger sap than usual. This is how you turn out when you don't live in the real world. I love the way Dappy hugged him after, though. Dappy is such a softie sometimes!
OMG everyone's face when Jasmine walked in! Eyes were literally popping out of heads. They should have sent Jasmine in when Lee had his head in Casey's lap. Although it was quite fitting that Lee had his head in his hands.
Dappy was the only one who looked concerned rather than titillated by the whole thing.
Why is Cruella directing all her hate at Casey? She's a twat. Typical bullshit reaction. Casey got off with Lee first, so Jasmine 'stole' him from her, Casey just 'stole' him back using her big boobies. If it's 'quite embarrassing' what Casey has done, then I take it Jasmine won't be taking him back? Because that would be a case of 'fool me twice' and George Bush knows that means shame on you. Well, kind of.
If I was Casey I would have just gone 'fuck off, you old witch' to her.
OMG Lee is squealing, lying and failing the task. This is the worst rule break since 'are we being funny, mummy?' Nothing happened in the toilet!!! Come on, it don't take that long to change a toilet roll. He's lying to her FACE. Jim's peeking round the door. Sam sniggering at the blowjob comment. I take it they failed the task then.
At least Jasmine did have the good grace to say 'you're hurting her and you're hurting me.' Look at her trying to squeeze some tears out.
Lee to Casey: 'Do I lead you on?' Weeeeeeelllll.... Casey finally spoke, but she didn't say anything of interest.What IS a puppy treat?! I didn't like the way she kissed Lee and Casey at the end. Ugh. 
That just proved only one thing: Jasmine is a cruel cunt. Lee just dismissed Casey like THAT, just dropped her like THAT. Poor, poor girl. That is so cruel.
Lee didn't even SPEAK to Casey after all that! He could have said sorry. LOL Jim comes out the room and goes 'anything good?'
Lee's doing the 'poor me' chronicles now. Who cares if Cruella 'dropped a tear'? She's evil. Dappy and Ollie both know what Lee has done is wrong. Dappy, 'Fuck the look! She thinks you like this.' Even Dappy has better morals than Lee Ryan. Dappy: 'Get the fuck away because you're hurting someone.' Go, Dappy.
In what way does Lee 'look at Jasmine, stroke her face and kiss her' that's different to Casey, and how is Casey expected to know the difference? 'Casey's cool with it' as she stands in the kitchen sobbing with her glasses on. I don't know why Casey is worried about what her parents think. The damage is done. I'm sure they're gonna lynch mob Lee. Look at Jim going 'it's none of our business' and immediately goes into the loo to gossip with the girls. Jim's doing some hardcore strategy cuddling Casey. He was quite comforting, though.
Ha, Lee comes out and talks to Casey ten minutes later. What a heartthrob. Does he actually believe the words coming out of his mouth? 'The God's honest truth'?! LOL.
OMG Sam is actually giving her opinion.
I liked the bit with Jim and Casey in the treehouse. 'You've been acting classy, and everybody loves you.' Aw. Jim to Casey about Jasmine: 'Fuck her!' I loved that. I know he's gaming but he's a good actor.
Go on Luisa try and explain to Lee something he's too brain damaged to understand. You might as well go talk to the topiary. And then he admitted he kissed Casey last night!
I hope Big Brother enjoyed crushing Casey's little bit of happiness. Even though it was inevitable it would happen eventually, there was no need to do it like that, in such a humiliating way.
What is 'harmless flirting'? Is it taking someone into a toilet and getting off with them, when they're clearly in love with you?
Lee's pathetic speech to Jasmine followed by 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word' was just a brilliant touch by the editors. It's like the producers actually care about the show again! Just perfect timing, just genius, really. Hats off. Do you think Blue had to approve that? Did Elton? Hahaha.
Emma coming through the clock was kind of cool. She looks good tonight, too. I like this, it's well done. Please don't let it be Casey who goes. That's not right that the others can't say goodbye because they're frozen.
OMG it was Lee! 'I knew it.' Nice of him to give Sam his fags on the way out, I guess. Well I'm not that bothered then that the others can't say goodbye. He doesn't deserve a goodbye. Casey looks shell-shocked. She knows Lee's going to go straight back into the venus flytrap and there's nothing she can do about it. Jim was agog at Emma's beauty. Luisa was just worried about make up. Is anyone going to ask if Casey's OK? Oh, I forgot, Casey doesn't matter.
Someone just said on Twitter that Lee avoided the booage, and that is a shame. I agree. He should have got his full boo quota. And how come he's wearing his coat? Lee got off the hook in a way.
Lee is blaming the editing! Did the editing make you go into the toilet with Casey last night? Why can't he just hold his hands up and say sorry? Lee: 'I'm not responsible for Casey's feelings.' Emma's finest hour was 'you could have said no, Lee!' Will Lee watch the show back and feel guilty? I doubt it. I'm glad she stuck it to him, as much as she could, what with him being too braindead to work out PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS.
Shame there's no BOTS! Lee will have been media trained by tomorrow and the word 'SORRY' might even come out of his weasel mouth.
Brilliant episode, jolly good fun. I watched half of it twice. Fuck you Channel 4, for giving up on the best TV show format of all time. Enjoy your winter sports with Sinitta, you muppets.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Lee two sleeves Ryan

It's not exactly a shock that Lee couldn't control himself for two weeks, is it? It seems he can't control himself for two minutes.
I like the selfie task: everyone is just having their picture taken with Luisa, as she's the house 'bitch'/ kicking post/ scarlett woman etc.
The most attractive male and female housemates - Sam and Ollie automatically assume it's them but can't even be bothered to stand up to have their picture taken, even though Sam has a face like a slapped arse and Ollie always looks like his puppy was just kicked to death. Says it all, really. Casey has got an AMAZING body: she's much more attractive than miserable scenery Sam Faiers. Sam can't even decide who she prefers out of N-Dubz and Blue (it's quite close for me. I like the N Dubz one about the homies.  But the Lee Ryan has got the wails.
LOL to Luisa just blatantly calling Ollie spineless. I like these photos, I think they're fun. It's actually a fun and original task, but with a little shit stirring thrown in. I think the order they got 'most famous to least famous' was spot on actually, with wiggle room for old ma Nolan.
Jim: 'I'm not gonna get my hopes up about leaving.' Why is Dappy dressed like he's on Sesame Street today? Today's letter is 'S' for sexist.
Sam: 'I've never farted in front of a boyfriend.' Doesn't surprise me, she probably doesn't even give blowjobs. Farting in front of each other is one of the greatest joys in a relationship, it's like low level chemical warfare. She's a stuck up, boring bitch with the sex appeal of a cornflake. She doesn't deserve to be famous. Has she even mentioned Joey Essex in there?
Are we having a Lee Ryan aroused moment? I liked Dappy's reaction it, it was funny. Lee Ryan is a pervert.
It's so annoying people saying Casey has no self respect. I admire her determination. She's just a lovely, forgiving person. So she might be 'a mug.' But at least she's got a smile back on her face. Who are we to judge?
Has anyone seen this alleged 'flirting' between Sam and Ollie? I've seen more chemistry between Rylan and Spiedi.
Linda is coming off like a right cunt in the diary room, just like she did in her interview. So glad she's gone: bitter, bitter person.
I don't think Luisa DOES have a brick wall up. She DOES seem genuinely satisfied with her life. Jim just doesn't understand the sort of person she is.
This Casey latching onto Lee for fame thing is bullshit. Lee: 'I wear my heart on my sleeve.' Jim: 'Good job you've got two.'Jim's getting about 30 minutes of airtime in this episode. Just saying. #nohiddenagendahere
Ha, Luisa coaching Linda for the '46 minutes' speech. She was being very kind there, actually. I think Luisa would be a good friend, after not saying that last week. She'd certainly fight your corner. I've changed my mind on her so much during the series so I know that means she's a great housemate. Even better than Evander Holyfield, lol.
I already said it but Jim was very polite to Linda as she left. Not sure she deserved that.
Dappy and Luisa's relationship continues to intrigue. I think they really care for each other, even though they don't understand each other.
Jim and Dappy's relationship is also very interesting. Dappy comes across so sweet and well-mannered and eager to please at times. Other times: not so much. But this house does have a lot of multi-faceted characters: I've liked and hated Luisa, Dappy, Lee and Jim at different times. But isn't that what makes for good housemates? I consider it a good show when I'm still flip flopping about who should win near the end.
Even the housemates know Jim is going to win. I would really love to see Jim and Luisa in the final two, and for her to take it. It would be delicious.
Is Dappy singing some Mungo Jerry in the bedroom. Stop talking about your willy in an American accent, it's creepy. Luisa's reaction when he said 'I'm good at sexing, babe,' was hilarious. She deals with him great.
Ah, Jim is doing some strategy here! Cranking up the 'journey' in time for the end game. He's no fool, is he? Unfortunately, most of the viewers are.
OMG Casey, shut UP about the Jasmine thing! Lee's under the cosh here. She's forcing him to say he likes her more than Jasmine. I'm still not convinced.
Ollie and Sam judging Lee and Casey. Easy to sit on the fence and throw stones, isn't it? At least Casey and Lee have entertained us.
Luisa and Jim are BOTH strategising here, with this uneasy truce. They aint stupid.
Ha, as if Casey was just going to put a loo roll in the toilet. Taps are a-turning! Was that a zip I heard, too?
Look at Ollie, sitting in judgement. Seriously, who does he think he is! I've so gone off him.
Ollie doing a Kemal: 'Any fingering that takes place will do so with lights off.' What are you, the fucking sex police? Don't matter if you finger with lights on OR off, if you're under the duvet. He's just pissed he aint getting any off walking boil ointment advert Sam 'I had an opinion once but didn't say it' Faiers.
No one is rising to Jim's face blowjob noise bait. I wonder when Jim last had a blow job? *pictures him in the Y-fronts*. UGH. Jim and Dappy are both the sort of idiots who won't go down on a woman because it's degrading. Now at least with Lee Ryan, I think you'd get an enthusiastic attempt. And with Ollie, he'd probably just sit crying afterwards, moaning about being bullied because you'd tried to go on top, or something. Luisa FTW!

Friday, 24 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I don't want to spend my whole interview talking about Jim Davidson

I just voted to save Lee Ryan. What you gonna do about it? Nothing now, cos the whole sorry mess will be over by the time you read this. Lee Ryan has entertained me pretty well, apart from the interminable love triangle, and even that has given us some classic quotes. Waaaaaa!
It's weird the way Dappy is always so keen to make up, and his mood changes so much. I think Luisa is right, Dappy does really care what people think. But I think Dappy's more worried about shifting units and if his mum's gonna ground him when he gets out.
So my mum rang tonight and asked me who I liked in Big Brother. Well, I liked Liz Jones. I like Casey. Who do I want to be at the end? Lee. Dappy. Luisa. The rest you can work out, two times nothing, and two old whingebags.
Dappy says, 'You don't go around calling people sexist if you don't know nothing about them.' I know plenty about you, Dappy - 'slags, loose, fucking hoes', etc. But at least he admits he's a mummy's boy at last.
I think I like grumbling Ollie less than mute Ollie. He's coming across like a right whiner. I prefered him silent but moody.
Lee and Dappy discussing Twitter followers is pathetic. Dappy: 'Tarzan freestyle, some clever mad bars.' What language is he speaking? Lee Ryan seems to know. Mind you, he can speak to dolphins.
Luisa is apologising to Ollie. Ollie is wetter than Lee Ryan's knickers, for real. I can't bear it.
Oh God, friends and family makes me cringe. At least they're not nominating. Ollie's sister appears to be Nadia Sawalha. I didn't pay attention to the rest cos I was BLOCKING some bitches (non gender specific) on Twitter.
A smear campaign task should be good. LOL to Luisa having her eyes closed when Jim's talking. She's a piece of work. And I kind of like it. I do like her, I don't like her. Either way, she's a good character.
Lee is pulling out the 'sang with Elton John card.' Fair dos. I like Lee! I can't help it. I enjoyed his speech!
Linda's comments about Jim being up Evander's arse were gross. She is really horrid and that was just nasty.
Luisa: 'I'm only being honest' t.m. Jeremy Kyle. She tells it like it is. She's black and white. All these things mean: 'I'm rude.' Might as well just say, 'I'm rude' if you're really that straight up.
Don't start an argument you can't put out, Ollie. He felt like Luisa was pissing on his WHAT at university? His car? Oh he was saying she bullied him. Did someone bully him by pissing on his car? It was probably a Merc.
Luisa: 'how long can you play the victim for?' Probably quite a while. You made him the victim by being a bitch to him, and I was on her side your until then. Ollie looks so serious. I wonder if Ollie might leave tonight? Squeaky pig jumpers at the ready.
Did Luisa just try to hold Jim's hand and he recoiled?! Ha. I like Luisa's glittery jumper. Jim 'don't do the holding hands.' Or the shirtlifting.
Get Lee out, or get Luisa out, or get Linda out? I can't tell from the chant. Too many Ls. Ooh, Ollie is safe. Those rich people got money to vote, right? Oh and Jim. Sigh. I wouldn't have minded either of them going.
Casey is whipping out the BOOBS strategy. It's all she's got left, bless her.
Jim in his Y-fronts! My eyes.
Luisa is stirring the pot again. I thought she was Jasmine's BFF. LOL to her calling Jasmine 'a good time girl'. Time to wheel Dappy out as if he were Hector in Breaking Bad, ringing his 'LOOSE' bell. Dappy will tell you who's a 'free spirit', a 'stud', a 'good time girl', or a 'fucking hoe.' Perhaps they could do a quiz, and he could come 'a close second.'
Oh God, what's going on with Boobs and Lee! He's getting her hopes up again. 'FRIENDS CUDDLES.' Those 'friends cuddles' didn't work out so well for Tully in Big Brother Australia. Oh, who am I kidding, she got to fuck Drew. He'd be enough to turn any lesbian straight. But I digress. *thinks about getting off with Drew*
'Get Linda out!' I bet Lee, Casey, Luisa and Dappy wish they'd held hands away from Jim, now.
Linda's out! Good. I suppose that's Dappy's fault. Jim was gracious, actually. He actually has manners sometimes, something that appears defunct in her. It's raining again! That dress is doing NOTHING for Linda. She looks like a tube. She's getting some booage. Idiot crowd are chanting 'we love Jim.' It is possible to hate both Linda AND Jim. I have firsthand experience of this.
Linda says the housemates liked her. I'm glad someone did. I feel a bit sorry for her in a way, as if Jim hadn't been in there, she probably wouldn't have been so sour. She has lovely blue eyes. She's like a mum, even though she isn't. I'm not sure she deserves this level of spite.
Wow, when Linda said 'I don't want to spend my whole interview talking about Jim Davidson' she sounded fucking PISSED. She seems mad as hell. Ooh, she's taking it out on Emma! I love it. No one ever starts on Emma. Punch Emma! Unfortunately, Emma can only talk about what's on the cue cards in front of her. And someone has just scrawled 'JIM' in crayon.
OMG the crowd are all chanting Jim. Linda is RANTING. Off, off, off, off. Ha. And this is what we call civilisation.
Linda's trying to defend Luisa to no avail. Linda is sure going on about Jim a lot for someone who didn't want to talk about Jim.
But be reassured, Linda has loved it. She's loved every minute of being handcuffed to Jim, having her dead husband's name dragged through the mud and getting yelled at by a the crowd. Best three weeks of her life.
WHAT, how many in the final!? That's way too many. They're gonna do a backdoor eviction, aren't they? I hope they do. Ah, yeah, they are. Give them the old Jade Goody no crowd treatment. I hope it's not Casey! SOB! Save our boobs!

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Shove your nice up your arse

We're halfway through The Hunger Games 2, but have had to pause because it's so fucking long, to watch Big Brother. All we've done all the way through it is make jokes about Big Brother anyway; there's the showmance, the mentors, gameplans, strategy. But thankfully no Jim Davidson. You'd relish sticking an arrow in that tomato face, wouldn't you? Set the cannons off!
Ollie is 'bummed out hard.' I'm not interested in the Towie-mance. I'm not interested in Jim vs Linda. I'm not interested in Lee and Casey.
I do like the idea of sticking Ollie and Sam on the fence, literally. At least Ollie's got his pig jumper on, anyway. Squeak! There's no love for Lee from Sam and Ollie! Ha. They are having to FORCE Ollie and Sam to speak. It's pathetic. Sam seems more willing to get off the fence than Ollie. A LOT more willing. Ollie is just following where she goes.
Ollie is making me LOL. Calling someone a sexist is 'outright vile.' It isn't, when they are. Ollie can't think of a reason for calling Jim sexist. Dappy: you're less sexist than Jim. What an accolade.
Does Ollie have a chance with Sam? Why would Sam say no... when she's on TV.
Ha to Ollie saying Linda starts on Jim. Linda doesn't allow you to have your own opinion. Ollie, why have you changed your opinion? Because Linda told him to!  
I heart this task. Ollie is coming across as such a drip. At least Sam is showing her teeth a bit here. Like, just a snaggletooth, but still. That was actually an original task for once.
Look at the way Jim speaks to people, sorry - women - with the 'I put nothing in your mouth' comment. Disgusting.
Well done to getting yourselves off the fence and on the block, Made in Towie. Why is Ollie bringing up her looking good not wearing make up again? It would piss me off if someone kept saying that to me. I'll wear as much or as little make up as I want, fuck off! I hate guys who go 'I like the natural look'. It makes me want to wear orange lipstick and blue eyeliner.
Lee is carping in the DR again. 'Oh no, someone fancies me, how awful.' BOO HOO.
They didn't show Liz the WHOLE TIME before the eviction. Sad face. Sam's got some Sallie Axl sideboob going on there. Jim looked rather smug.
Face to face noms. Again? How original. Linda's nomming Jim and Ollie. 'You should grow a pair of balls.' to Ollie. How can he, when he's just got that plastic mound? It's true, though. He DID give his opinion today. Under duress, but, you know.
Dappy nominated Luisa for calling him sexist. Dappy's mum would be 'mortified' if she thought he was sexist. She TOLD him to be sexist, so he said the other day. We really need Dappy's mum to clarify her position on BOTS. Dappy also nominated Linda for saying he slept too much, following by admitting he sleeps too much, because he's tired from composing and promoting his album. His mum and his agent (is that the same person?) told him to sleep in the Big Brother house? That's not very entertaining. Everyone's agent sounds like a prick, telling them all to keep their heads down. BORING!
Ollie nommed Jim and Lee and probably shit his pants simultaneously. Why is Ollie always dressed exclusively from the Geri Halliwell range?
Jim nommed Luisa and Linda, somehow bringing Ollie into it for no apparent reason. Oh dear, Jim is bringing up The Dead Husband. Jim, you may have never mentioned him by name, but you certainly brought him up, in a backhanded and insidious manner. Jim can moan that he wouldn't be arguing if Linda and Luisa were in there, but Linda is winning the game for him, so hey ho.
Casey nommed Jim and Dappy for a reason I couldn't fathom, something to do with food. Dappy: 'It's about respect.' OK.
Sam (ie. the entitled bitch who thinks she should be there to the end) nommed Jim and Sam. Everyone seems to have the hump right now.
Lee nommed Sam and Ollie, the fencesitting crew. He nommed Ollie for not sticking up for him. Ollie wouldn't stick up for that horse against Evander Holyfield. Ollie would probably go, 'Well, Evander has his reasons.'
Luisa, you can't change your nominations FFS. What do you think this is?! I'm glad her nominations got cancelled. I would have liked to have known what they were though.
Why is Dappy always going on about his MUM! 'An admirable person', my arse. Mummy's boy! The only swag he's got is his presents from his mummy at Christmas.
Jim, Ollie, Luisa, Linda, and Lee are up. Surely Linda will go.What's up Dappy's arse? Maybe he needs some more sleep. Wee Willie Dappy.
Luisa was going to swap Ollie for Dappy. OMG I hate Linda so much. What a bad loser. Why are they all so shitty about being nominated? It's the game. It's up to the individual who they nominate. If you don't like it, tough shit. They're all so bitter about it.
Why is Dappy blaming other people that he put up Linda? Thank fuck he put up Linda! If I have to look at her miserable face for one more day I'm going to boot my TV over and then wee on it.
Linda to Jim: 'Stop being nice to me.' Talk about can't win. Jim's hardly 'grovelling' by passing her a knife. I wish he's pass it through one of her arteries, tbh. She's the sourest person to ever enter the Big Brother house. She's had 'a fabulous time.' Fucking hell, I'd hate to see her down in the dumps.
Uh oh, Ollie's speaking. Stop speaking. Is this a house meeting? I love watching Dappy's face during bits like this, as he sits gnawing his nails. Linda is giving Ollie evils.
Why is Luisa starting on Ollie now, too? Poor Ollie, he's only trying to have an opinion because he's been told to. I think Luisa is being cruel. She's being a real cow. She has NO manners.'I'm sorry you felt that way' means, I'm not sorry. Luisa, you could have walked off if you were than bothered. Ollie was being a bit earnest but there's no crime against doing a stupid little speech in there. It's a Big Brother staple, just like fencesitting,
Jim is loving Luisa and Ollie arguing. Calm down, Ollie, you're going to burst a blood vessel. Ollie: 'I'm being bullied.' That was the closest thing to bullying I've seen in that house. Jim is virtually doing a victory dance. He's hugging the sexually ambigious Ollie! And he KNOWS. He's another step close to the win. And they're all too dumb to see it.

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Fuck New York

Why is Emma always wearing a really gross jacket? And Jim is wearing yellow gingham. Why are people booing Liz? Boo to you, motherfuckers. At least Sam has attempted to cover the boils.
Are we still doing this task? That snow looks like flour. They are making Linda eat dog food. I don't believe they'd really make her eat dog food, it's not suitable for human consumption. It's probably got horse in it.
Dappy's hair does actually look good when you see it, I don't know why he's always wearing a stupid hat.
Sam Faier's future plans are dull as fuck, surprise surprise. She's put Ollie in the friendzone.
Lee is wearing long johns and fiddling with his bits. This 'killer questions' task as been done a million times.
Liz is going to be Lee's next crush after admitting she fancied him!
Jim: 'If you cut Dappy's head off you'd see honest written through him like a stick of rock.' Can we try it just to check? Some of those questions were quite good, I must admit.
LOL Lee's gone off Jasmine already! Ha. 'I didn't say she could move in with me, or did I?' he said, picking his nose. 'Or did I?' should be his disclaimer after everything he says. This guy is a first class tool. Lee's playing the blame game with Luisa now! Love it. Aw, they're just messing. Hard to tell if Lee Ryan is lying if his mouth's moving. Waaaaa!
We still have no clue what is going in in this task. Smash iiiiiiit! Ice cube wars. Get the Weetabix and the Zeo. I wish someone would just crush someone's skull with a hammer.
'This week housemates went on a journey.' They always do.
Ha, they're showing them what they said in the pub! Cruel. Ollie is wearing goggles to protect him from the heartbreak. He's put his hood up now, too. He should go camouflage like Frankie Dettori under the kitchen worktops. Linda seems to have the hump, but then what's new? This is a woman who only smiles once a year, when she hears Jim's been arrested.
Why do they only ever show tweets from celebs? NAZISM. What about us plebs? We do funny tweets too. Sometimes.
Who's hoovering? And why can't we have subtitles whilst someone's hoovering? Oh, there they are. I feel like my mum's gonna ask me to lift my feet up so she can do underneath.
Dappy and Luisa talking about nominations - but luckily they don't cancel the nominations anymore. Why aren't they using the jail? Has anyone even been in it? They are wearing a twosie. Sam: 'Did they break anything?' Yeah, the rules. Dappy trying to similate a BJ with Luisa.
Lee: 'They've worked out the language of dolphins but the government found out and stopped it. It's hearsay, but...' YES! Lee knows! He knows the conspiracy theories. Dolphins were monkeys, who didn't like the land, after all. Yes, Lee is defending his elephants and whales statement! Liz is suddenly his biggest fan again. 'I didn't say 'who gives a fuck about New York' I actually said, 'fuck New York'.' Er, I think that's worse. I don't think that's the best way of clearing that up. I would have loved to have seen more of that conversation. I could watch Lee Ryan talk about conspiracy theories ALL NIGHT LONG.
Haha, Sam has even got 'friends' on her t-shirt. Lame. THIS CONVERSATION IS INTERMINABLE. Ollie: 'It's fine.' It's ALL GOOD, as Siavash said.
If you cut Jim's head off, what would it say all the way through him? GAMEPLANNER. Now he's pretending he wants to go. Pur-lease. But if the public votes for him to stay, he'll do his best to win. Er, don't trouble yourself.
Why does Sam have to justify herself to Ollie? She's not obliged to fancy him. Either way, it's boring as fuck. It's patronising.
I like Luisa being sweet to Liz. Liz needs more friends!
Dappy is telling off Sam for wearing Sam's pig jumper. I want a jumper that squeaks.
Lee's sleeping in the bed with Casey defence: 'I was so tired...' I hate Jasmine so I hope Lee does get back with Casey. Casey is warm and sweet. How is Casey playing games with Lee, Luisa? I think you mean the other way round. How come we never heard Casey say 'I can't wait to fuck you when I get out of this place'? We heard her say 'do you want a blowjob'.
Why is everyone always bagging on Casey?! It's so annoying. Aw, is Lee to tired to get into his own bed again? It's so... far... away. Just... can't... quite... make... it. Cruel to get into bed with someone then say you won't spoon them. Luisa and Linda have BADLY got the wrong end of the stick here.
It's time! FACK IT, Liz has gone. Disappointing. That's a shame. Don't boo her! She's getting some cheers, good. Aw, she looks nice. She did so well in there, you know, for someone so fucked up mentally. Suddenly everyone's on the Liz train! We were on that train from day one.
Liz has post traumatic shock. Emma's still got her coat on indoors. Why is Emma being nice to her? She's been slagging her off non-stop on BOTS. Liz is playing the deaf card, ha. Worked out better for Sam.
Liz: 'I let Lee hold my hand. I miss my dogs.'
I like Liz heavy breathing and scratching her head. LOL to Liz refusing to look at herself. She's got BAD OCD and self esteem issues, hasn't she. I feel for her. I wonder if she's on meds.
I hope Liz writes a scathing article about them all now. Liz and her £85 sock choice. Oh, good old Liz. I love her for not looking at the clips. She doesn't toe the party line.
I love her gurning. And she believes Casey! Good. And she had a go at Jim a bit, good, saying the others wanted him to leave.
Liz is going to go to a Prince concert with Dappy. I'd like to go to that with them, if it wasn't for Prince. I thought Liz's interview was good. 'Dappy's a little meerkat.'
'I think dolphins are aliens.' I would have liked to have seen the context around that comment, too.
Aw, she's going to try and enjoy her life, rather than endure it. And shouldn't that be a lesson to us all?
Bit sad now. Enjoy your nomance, heathens.

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Arctic circle jerks

Jim is stewing about people nominating him: 'Lee's a bit demonstrative.' That's true. Jim also admitting he's sexist by saying 'If you weren't sexist when you came in, you would be when you came out.' Yet still dopey women will vote for him unthinkingly. Up the patriarchy.
Sam is one BAD loser. You're the selfish one, boili-o. I read a story today that said she had to go to the doctors because 'pus was pouring out of her nose'. Has she been on Jim's marching powder, or are her boils finally making a break for it via her nostrils?
As usual I have no clue what this task is about, but they look nice in the faux fur coats. Ollie don't know what brain freeze is. Is that cos he has no use for his brain? Drinking shots with no booze in is quite depressing. Casey, Dappy, Lee and Luisa and quite game, though. I'd rather see Liz and Jim get brain freeze.
'Casey is picking Lee's spots.' Well, whatever gets you through the day.
They're showing Liz a bit more now. I do see Liz as Nikki Grahame's mum. She's fragile and funny like her.
Jim going 'has anyone bashed the tent peg since they've been in here'. Ugh! 'Chafing the chipolata.' TMI! That conversation made my fanny wither up.
What is Liz saying about this 'fishing' task? Casey happy to squeeze Lee's spots but doesn't want to bit calamari, whatever than is (I don't eat food).
Lee: 'I hate this fucking programme. I wish I'd never done it!' I wish you'd never been born, you silly sod. Oh so them sleeping in the kennels is actually them going to a secret pub with screens where they can see the house. Well, I've never seen THAT twist before! Good one, Big Bro.
I note they've put Lee and Casey together in 'the Mutt's Nuts'. She IS a Klingon, bless her. He's not exactly knocking her back, is he?
What IS up with Jim? Is he not eating because the others have been sent to the kennels? Liz is right, he's probably gameplanning. Jim controls with his eating/ not eating mind-gamery. And now he's eating. Not exactly an Ian Brady style hunger strike. Jim would be getting Frubes on the side, just like Brady.
Ollie can't string a sentence together, today, bless him, but he's still doing better than Sam. Maybe she's nipped off to the docs and no one has noticed.
How come it takes seeing Linda on TV to work out she's a moaning cow? I don't get that.
Jim's gaming again about his 'civillian wife' and arrest charges. Jim's legal fees went 'well into three figures'. Really, that much? LOL. That's anything up to £999. I think he meant six. Linda aint buying it, and I'm not buying it either. 'Panto, cancelled. Theatre tours, cancelled. Big Brother, cancelled. I'll never get that back.' Er, you got Big Brother back.
Linda is grassing about the house drinking booze! What a bitch. She is such a horrible woman, like genuinely rotten. Ollie is lying about the booze 'only to protect the others'. What a hero. Jim to Linda: 'Just zip up and stop gobbing off.'
Dappy and Lee don't fancy Sam. I'm not surprised, she's about as sexy as a breadknife. No, less. Ha, to the others slagging off Sam.Good on Luisa for saying Sam and Ollie play it too safe and Dappy agreed.
That long silence followed by Ollie going 'spin the bottle?' was the funniest thing he's said in the house. I think he'd even risk snogging Jim to get off with Sam. God knows why. Maybe he has a thing for sporks?
Casey to Lee: 'Do you want a blowjob?' I doubt if he'd say no. Mind you, if Liz or Linda offered to, he'd probably be rushing to turn the taps on before you can say 'mother's pride.'

Monday, 20 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I think I need to inhale Valium

Evening! We're on the red wine and I have to be at work at 8am for some InDesign fun. Let's see how that's gonna pan out. I don't even like red wine, it's just left over Christmas gifts. Only another 80 bottles to go - blergh.
I've managed to avoid nominations spoilers by avoiding Twitter. In your face, birdie. It's crap when you know who's up, where's the tension when the tally board is being added up?
All Dappy has got is that willy, like Casey's boobs.
Why SHOULD Luisa iron a man's shirt? That's the sort of crap my mum's boyfriend says to me. Why does Jim have to start FIRST thing in the morning? He IS trying to wind her up. It's the oldest trick in the book for a man to to say he's too stupid to iron a shirt/ clean etc. PATHETIC. And I'm a fool for rising to it.
Ooh, noms already. Dappy is nominating Liz for not joining in and dancing. What, like JIM? I'm glad he nommed Linda, though.
Sam nommed Liz and Lee. Jim: 'Do you iron your boyfriend's shirts?' to Liz. 'No.' There ends that conversation.
Linda nommed Jim and Liz. Leave Liz alone! Linda saying she wears Primarni; boo hoo. Sing along with the common people, why don't you? I have some clothes from Everything 5 pounds, FFS. They're nice, too.
Ollie nominated Liz and Jim. Lee nominated Jim for getting angry when they're dancing. And Liz for insulting their clothes the task! She was joking in the task. Plus, it's a task.
Jim is laying the journey card thick on Casey, bringing up the 'allegations'. She's so gullible. Oh, what a hard year he's had. But on the bright side it meant he didn't get to go in the Big Brother house with Carol McGiffin. And that's a very bright side.
Luisa nominated Jim and Liz. I like the patches on her jumpers.
Casey nominated Liz and Jim. Surprised she nominated Jim as she always seems to be humouring him.
Liz nommed Jim and Sam. Yes to nominating Sam! I think she's wearing Ollie's trousers.
Jim nommed Luisa and Sam. Is Sam gonna be up? Sweet. Will she go, though? All those TOWIE twats seem to have the numbers. They're like One Direction fans, an angry mob. 
LOL are you telling me Luisa and Lee aren't up? Is it Jim, Liz and Sam? Hilarious! Let's evict Sam and her boils, please. In fact we can keep the boils, as they're more entertaining than her.
Luisa's task is quite funny. Jim refusing to disagree with her. That was hiliarious. 'Do you think fairies exist?' She must have sussed by now.
Liz's shock of hair in the bath talking about her cat's psychic illness. Liz: 'I might come out of here and my mum might have died. My boyfriend will have left me for another woman. I've not got enough nuts and nutrients. If I had a car I'd drive into a tree.' Liz: 'I'm just going to die a lonely old woman. I need to inhale Valium. My boyfriend is going to see me in strong lighting.' This is hilarious. Liz reminds me of Nikki Grahame. It's just some faces she pulls.
What's Jim carping about now? Try cooking it yourself, you old grinch. Every time he does this passive aggressive thing; coming in, snarking, and then retreating.
Jim bragging about getting more votes than Luisa! Wolfy times! Let's see what the public think. There's two here that think you're a CUNT. And I know several more that hate your guts.
Jim to Luisa: 'I haven't put any women down here, only you.' Cut to Linda's mad mush.
Everyone is threatening suicide this episode. I reckon Luisa could push him over the edge if she really tries.
Ha, they're showing the noms! Liz looks shocked. 'It's OK.' Apparently.
Poor Liz, everyone voted for her. Cruel showing her this. The sympathy vote will hopefully be good, though. Ollie's got a face on like his parents are arguing.
I don't think Jim will really be that bothered about people nominating him. It's more grist to his mill, though.
Why is it 'tactical' because people voted for Sam? Maybe people don't like Sam. Shut up, Linda, Liz can vote however she likes. Everyone in that house voted for Liz and no one is bothered. If Sam's such a sweetheart and so SAFE what is she so worried about? Sour-faced boil bag. She looks like one BAD loser to me.
I LOVE the fact Luisa is needling Jim so much.
Ollie and Sam are having a pity party for two in the garden. Sam looks like hell. She's got nothing going for her. Ollie: 'Don't prove yourself.' No, don't speak.
I like Liz getting on her high horse! 69 million readers. It could be true - a lot of people read the Daily Mail worldwide. I like Liz when she's angry. She got nominated by nearly every person in that house. I don't blame her for fuming.
I'm not even commenting on the cuddlemance. I am all out of words.
Ollie: 'Sam should not be up for nomination.' WHY ON EARTH NOT? She was NOMINATED. YOU don't decide. You got your votes. They got theirs. So shut up.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: How could this evening be improved? I could die.

Greetings, Earthlings. Stop arguing with me on Twitter already! I used to have a policy that I didn't look on Twitter when I was writing my blog as I didn't want it to influence my views. Now I have to go on Twitter just to get a restraining order against all the people who have a different opinion to me. We think different things! Our experiences shape our views! We are unique snowflakes! I don't MIND debating about things, but the amount of blind Jim support, blind Luisa hate, etc, is tiring. ALL of the people in there are multi-faceted. Lee Ryan probably has a couple of redeeming features. Now let's all just RELAX OURSELVES. I will never vote for Dappy or Jim, due to their offensive views. If you can vote for them and sleep at night, go right ahead, cos I still want them in the house! Everyone's a winner. Cheers, bruv.
Anyhoo. On with the show. LOL to Jim pointlessly bashing toiletries around to annoy Luisa. That's some low level warfare right there.
Luisa is being pathetic trying to keep Jim awake, but to be honest, they're both arseholes. Luisa's got the pots and pans out, Evel Dick stylee! They were doing this on BBAU this year too, making lots of noise to irritate the fuck out of each other. Noise pollution. Jim needs to keep the moaning to a level where it's amusing and not just annoying, he's just coming off depressing right now.
As I suspected, any alleged entertainment between Sam and Ollie is part of a task as they can't work without a script.
Why does Casey have to defend being a glamour model? Annoying. Jim showing her how to be sexist against herself. Nice.
Jim is being a spiteful cunt as usual and pretending it's humour. Why is Liz doing stand up? Oh, she's slagging off their style. Liz is unleashing her inner bitch here. Haha, she's slagging off New Look and Primark. That's what I want from my Liz Jones!
Aw, Lee is pretending he can play the gee-tar. He needs someone to squeeze his ballbags before he can sing in his usual register. Thought Linda was a bit cruel in her voting as Lee was obviously going for the sympathy vote there and it didn't pay off.
Good on Casey getting the boobs out, they are impressive. They beat Dappy's singing, anyway. Oh Jim, get out of Dappy's butt. You know you don't like it up there, no matter how much you pretend to.
Sam and Ollie's scene reminds me why I don't watch structured reality shows. I just went to get some chocolate. Sexting Jim? Fucking hell. Is that Digitalism or MGMT playing? They deserve NEITHER. WTF Ollie and Sam won? Liz and Casey were both better. Even Lee was better. Even Lionel was better and he's gone.
Is Luisa trying to push Jim to the point where he punches her? If so, I hope it works, so he gets thrown out and she gets a slap*. *NB: This is a joke. Because they're both driving me mad right now. I don't see the 'Luisa is bullying Jim' thing. Jim is no wallflower, is he?
Jim checked out the party spoils and decided to go bed. What a curmudgeon. He's not in the mood for dancing. Nor is Liz, by the looks of it. I wish we could just give Liz a big hit of MDMA. It would change her life forever. Anti-anxiety and then some.
LOL to All Rise being played. Classic. 'How could this evening be improved for you?' Jim: 'I could die.'
Luisa is always teasing Dappy sexually! He's a lamb to the slaughter. He's sozzled again. Dappy's liking Luisa and Casey's 'knockers'. He really thinks Luisa has got hard nipples for half an hour. No one in that house is that sexually arousing.
Lee and Casey go to psychics, which says it all really. Gullible twats. Jim to Casey: 'He could have you whenever he wants.' Nice. True, though.
I like Casey again, actually. She's sweet and lovely. It's a shame she's so forgiving as people could take real advantage of her. Like Lee for example. Maybe she'd be better off with Dappy? Or Ollie? My friend made a very good point today that Ollie has it all, looks, good personality, style, but he just has no sex appeal whatsoever. And it's true! I bet if you took down his pink trousers, there'd just be a plastic mound down there, like an action man. And that is how this blog ends.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I'll have sex when I've washed my wheelie bin out

Oh the Dappy IQ wars continue. I thought we'd put that to bed. TEDIOUS! Dappy actually came over as warm and pleasant on the live feed last night talking about the death of his dad. I don't know what's the deal here. He's doing a John McCruick on Diet Coke silence strike.
These people are animals. Breast milk! I've never seen celebrities on the show act like this. I don't want to watch Lee Ryan lactate. He's expelled enough bodily fluids in this house.
I couldn't give a fuck about Casey and Lee making up. 'The fact that you're crying made me look bad.' DON'T MAKE PEOPLE CRY THEN.
I like Ollie and Luisa trying to cheer Dappy up. Dappy's bread willy isn't big enough.'Have one of my sperms.' Urgh.
Ha, Sam and Ollie talking. NOT INTERESTING.I like her jumper, though. Big Brother desperately trying to stoke up a showmance but it's not happening. Jedward had more sexual chemistry than these two.
I am not paying attention to this task. It's one of those tasks that I don't know what it's about, or what's going on, or what the stakes are.
So Lee is meeting a fake superfan. I think even dopey Lee could work out she's an actress. No one has a fringe like that, not even indie kids. Barbell media times!
Lee is being super polite. The other housemates are feeding the 'superfan' questions. I like Ollie doing the shitstirring. This task is about as realistic as Lee's chances of having an LTR with Jasmine.
Oops, Lionel just blew the task! Did Lee SERIOUSLY not suspect? He must be dumb as a rock. I think he was just playing along to get the reward. Even Lee aint this thick.
Aw, look at Liz, all alone on the eviction couch. Will no one hold her hand? There looked to be genuine shock when Lionel got the hoof. Lee making it all about him as usual.
Jim started slagging off Lionel the SECOND he went. Lionel's had 'rows', he's had 'skirmishes'. OK then. Aw to Jim comforting Liz. He's a good shoulder to cry on, when he's not making people cry. That's how bullies operate though, slap you around a bit (literally or metaphorically) and then turn on the charm.
Linda still not happy when Jim has extra wine as it's the wrong colour.
Liz is drunk and admitting she didn't have sex until she was 32! Her husband never saw her without her clothes on. How sad. Liz, love isn't about a Conrad sofa, whatever that is. I wonder why Liz is like she is? It must be so hard for her in that house.
Jim is not enjoying the girl talk. Nice of Luisa to say that Casey can only orgasm on her own! Thanks, Luisa. Remind me not to tell you any secrets. That is very personal!
Linda: 'I had loads of sex with other men but my husband was always there.' Bold words on TV! 'And believe me, Casey, then you orgasm.' I think this has been the most sex positive Big Brother we've EVER seen in this country. Who'd have thought you'd hear an older woman say THAT on TV? Hold on, Jim's back! LOL. So no one is gonna call Linda a slag, now, hmm? Interesting! Good on you, Linda. Who gives a fuck what people think.
But remember a few days ago when Dappy said, 'Ask Linda what she thinks about you sleeping with five men?' Dappy thinks just cos Linda's old, she's never had sex. He must be sitting there thinking 'oops.'
Dappy is naked in the bathroom singing 'Lord Lionel Blair.' What the fuck?! What is going on with Dappy and Luisa in the shower? Ah, they're just mucking about.
Yes, Ollie, you do seem boring in comparison. Jim is doing his grumpy old man routine. How come it's OK when Dappy makes noise but not the girls? Well, we know why, don't we.
BTW, live feed was illuminating last night. Liz talking frankly about animal rights was extremely interesting. Of course, we get to see no interesting conversations in the house, just sex talk and rows. It sucks, really, as we got to see the live feed (for 3 hours at least) when that cunt Carol McGiffin was in there with the misogynist Mario and the nasty Louis Spence, all talking about nothing of interest because they didn't have a soul, an imagination or braincell between them. Shame.

Friday, 17 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Rapping, poetry and life

So now we know. Jim was referring to £20 Linda's husband stole from Frank Carson. £20! Were they that hard up? It would have been a low thing to bring up had Linda's husband been alive to defend himself; as he's six feet under, it was bordering on sick. Still, I don't feel THAT angry about it. Linda has been so billious towards him. Do I think it will scupper his chances of winning? Not a bit of it. Everyone loves a reformed woman beater, and if you don't believe it, just take a look around and put your Chris Brown CD in the fire, where it belongs, you animals.
Casey won't be speaking to Lee until he apologises. I guess she won't be speaking to Lee then.
How deep do Jim's 'deepest apologies' run? He's doing one every day at this rate.
Lee's accusing Casey of gameplanning! What a prick. Perhaps he should have worked on his own gameplan, a bit. Has Linda got a gameplan? If so, show me your work.
Linda's finally said what happened, but just saying he was 'accused.' Lee is actually right, what's it got to do with Jim? Kick a widow when she's down. Don't play the widow card, Linda. Just out Jim for the shirtlifter comments and you're quits! Deal done.
I wish Lee and Casey would both fuck off, they're both being absolutely pathetic, although she's still (just about) in the right.
LOL to Liz's reaction of her assistant being Dappy. I want to see Dappy's handwriting. Bet he can't spell for shit.
Let me get this right, so Casey kissed Lee when they were in the BOLTHOLE? She must be DESPERATE. Poor girl, her self-esteem must be shot to shit. My sympathy with her is at 0.00001%
Liz is pulling out the journey card. At last she gets some airtime! Ha, Lee is getting it in this article. This is actually a creative shit-stirring task.
Liz is enjoying being centre of attention here, I think. And I don't blame her as she normally gets ignored. But what's happened to Liz's journalistic skills? I think it's cos Dappy's handwriting must be illegible. He probably just did a pawprint instead. Or a hoofprint.
Ha to Linda mocking Lee for wearing sunglasses indoors. Too true.
Lee is now blaming Dappy for his fanny ratdom. He has blamed EVERYONE in that house but himself. What an enormous prick. I hope he watches the show when he gets out and gets a clue, but I think it's unlikely.
GET LEE OUT! Yesssssssssss. Go cry in the kitchen, Lee.
Two saved in 'no particular order'. Jim and Sam. Sam! Whhhhhhhhhhhy? She makes Joey Essex look like the Irrepressible Dark Horse entertainment-wise.
Hypocritically, I just voted to save Ollie as he looked a little sad.
Does anyone want to tell Emma that it's not a bungalow? The key feature of a bungalow is that they don't have stairs.
I hope Lee stays because he writes my blog for me. 'Why can't I just be happy! That was a private conversation!' Blah blah.I think Lee might be the whiniest bitch to EVER enter the Big Brother house!
Giving Dappy and Luisa an IQ test is good. I think I thought of that idea? It was me or my boyfriend. This is a good way to give them some airtime before the votes close.
Dappy's good with rapping and poetry, but not IQ tests, as previously boldly declared. LOL Dappy scored 6%. He's got street smarts, though. But I don't think there's an exam for that.
Luisa to Lee: 'I'm sick of hearing about it.' You and me both. Jasmine's not watching! She's probably in LA right now!
LOL, Dappy is threatening his lawyers and for the IQ test not to be shown. I wish I'd voted to save Dappy now, but I couldn't bear to after 'slag' gate. 'I will leave tomorrow at 1 o clock.' Alright, bruv. Ha, Dappy is packing his bags. I love it. I do have a real love/hate relationship with Dappy. He's just too funny.
Ooh, two more to save. Hope it's Liz. OMG Ollie is safe. That's my fault, sorry. Ah, Dappy is safe. Why is he still there, isn't it one o clock yet? Sweet.
Is Lee really gonna go? Surely Blue have some fans, right? Right?
It's Lionel! I knew it, I knew it. Lionel was the right result out of those people. I really couldn't see people voting for him. I will miss his little rants, though, and he's provided some great moments. 'Suck my dick. Get the chocolates. Selfish bitches. Go fuck yourself.'
Did I miss Lionel waving his wand around there? Aw, Lionel is sad to be out. He does like being on TV! He likes the razzle dazzle.
I feel a little sad, but I don't know why, because I didn't like Lionel! What, he's bought into Lee Ryan's crap? Come on, Lionel, you know better than that.
At least Emma is calling Lionel out about his chocolate gluttony. Good on Lionel saying he liked Luisa. Lionel gave a good interview, actually. Fair play to him for throwing himself into it, even if he was a bitter old shrew at times. LOL to his face when he saw himself in the PVC - hilarity!
Podcast tomorrow, AM. Be there or be Lee Ryan. Goodnight.

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: What happens in Frank Carson's dressing room, stays in Frank Carson's dressing room

It's a shame Liz vs Jim isn't that interesting, as it looks like they're really going to push that now. Zzzzzz.
Jim is doing his apology rounds again! At least he's trying, even if it's fake, it's making him look like the bigger person, and it's all about how he looks, isn't it? You know what I'm talking about, bruv!
Ugh, Evander. Get lost. Linda fancies him! Gross. I'm not interested in boxing of any sort, except the song Boxing Night by Frightened Rabbit. That's it.
This is just an elaborate version of the usual shit-stirring task. I've seen it ALL BEFORE! I hope someone punches someone else in the head. Lee would be desirable to get a thump, but it would be hard to tell if there was any lasting damage.
OMG how can people not be asking Liz about her career? Liz is lush.
Lionel, stop pretending you like Jim. Jim's 'we'll do something together' didn't seem that sincere. It's like when you leave a job. Yeah, we'll hang out. Er, who were you again? I enjoyed that conversation, though, and them rattling off what they think of the housemates. It was interesting. I like it when the oldies get together and talk about normal things.
Lee: 'The public are stupid.' Yes, but not as stupid as you. That's physically impossible.
Jasmine voting to save Casey and Linda was a proper clanger. If she cared a jot for Luisa or Lee, she'd vote to save at least one of them. Just goes to show what sort of person she is.
Oh, shut up, Linda. LOL to Liz on Jasmine's nomination saves: 'she was just saying that to be nice.' No. She wasn't. Jim calling us 'morons' and Lee saying 'I know.' Seriously, and you want people to vote for you? Jog on, as Saskia and Maxwell used to say. Who is Lee blaming for Jasmine going? Casey, I suppose. Nothing to do with him, no way! He doesn't like Jasmine being booed. Well, tough shit, squeaky pants. You can't control the world, or our minds, or even your own tiny ween, so STFU already. I like Jim riling him up to kick off. He knows it wouldn't take much.
I think Lee is giving Casey more credit than she's due, and he blatantly making up some of this shit, bruv. She DID like him, hard to believe as that seems looking back.
Jim is right, Linda is proper on his back. I don't know WHAT her problem is. He IS a misogynist, but he HASN'T really been in the house, because he's putting on a his quite successful front.
Liz: 'I find it hard to believe that people rang up to vote for me.' Aw.
Does Lee REALLY believe that Casey was only after a showmance? Casey was very decent to him, even after he was a complete dick. I thought we'd reached the pinnacle of Lee's stupidity but apparently not.
Oh, Luisa, stop shit-stirring. Do you always just believe the last thing someone said to you? Oooh, what happened in Frank Carson's dressing room? Jim's got some cards up his sleeve! NOW we might get to the bottom of this hatred between him and Linda.
And of course, now Luisa passes that on within a nanosecond. Ooh, Linda called him a CUNT, y'all! A WOMAN dropping the C bomb! Whatever next.
And now the spark has been lit. Luisa 'feels terrible.' HA! I've heard it all now. Luisa, you were put on this planet to be the wooden spoon, don't pretend otherwise.
Jim: 'what about Frank Carson's dressing room?' Heh! Even Dappy can't look. Oh come on, Jim, you TOLD Luisa to ask her what happened in Frank Carson's dressing room! Sneaky.
Linda is right, no one has mentioned Jim's past. I wish they would.
To be fair, no one mentioned Linda's husband. But Jim is obviously alluding to something very nasty. So what DID happen in Frank Carson's dressing room? Don't leave us hanging. I wondered if Frank Carson might go on BOTS to clear up the matter, but Twitter has informed me he's dead.
Linda's finished with Jim and is digging Lee's grave now. If I was Casey, I'd be mad as hell. She could capitalise on this if she's smart, but not by weeping, but by going and tearing a fucking strip off him. But has she got the boobs for it?

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Do we have to form a queue to have a fucking argument?

So CBB has been extended for four days? I've never seen that happen before. They must be giving them more money, right? They extended Big Brother Australia by two weeks and it was a mistake, the last two weeks were quite hard going. A bit more CBB shouldn't hurt, tho, as long as it's not the bloody love triangle. I like the fact that so far they have only evicted Evander, and he was useless, so we've had pretty much the full spectrum of entertainment we could have had. Compared to Carol McGiffin, Mario, Les and Janice, this is a legacy season.
Only women nominees getting booed tonight, then, even though the man they're up against is a wifebeater, racist and homophobe. Par for the course, really.
Ollie is scavenging crusts out the toaster. It's not like this in Made in Chelsea. MIC meets Superscrimpers. OMG Lee and Jasmine in the bath first thing in the morning; horrid. Those ducks are getting their fair share of sexual abuse in there.
Luisa is right: men and women hate her because she knows herself. Sam doesn't find Jim funny. Did she used to find Joey Essex funny? I'm trying to decide who I'd rather be trapped in a lift with.
Ollie is doing an Aden. Shameful!
Why does Lee look happy he's not up for eviction when he voted for himself! Gorm.
I don't get why they failed that task. They guessed right? I wouldn't give two shits about no electrical items or no hot water.
Removing 'beauty products' is sexist in my opinion, because 'beauty products' means make-up and the majority of the time it's women who wear make-up. 
Sam looks rough without her make-up on, so no wonder she's carping. Why is Lionel getting on his high horse? Lionel needs his meds. 
Lionel DID say 'get the chocolates'. Ollie: 'If you feel that way...' It HAPPENED, OLLIE. Ollie doesn't want to seem like he's bitching. What a baby. That's a new level of fencesitting. A self-declared fence-sitter.
Ha to Lionel getting out of his pram! Don't point at me, you old cunt. 'Selfish bitches'. He's the selfish bitch. What's Lionel come as today with his silly hat and his fag holder?
Luisa: 'He just argues at me.' Ha. Luisa: 'Part of being a man... or any person.'Luisa is always saying things like 'man up.'
Jim: 'Do we have to form a queue to have a fucking argument?' No, just take a ticket from the machine.
Jim: 'She'd make Mother Theresa knock her out.' Charming. Lionel: 'She's dangerous.' Why, because you want to punch her? She really isn't. She's just a gobby, self assured, cocky woman. How awful! Get a grip, old man.
Did Lee tell Luisa to grown up? Luisa: 'A grown man.' She should stop throwing the pronouns around, if she's going to be a self-proclaimed strong woman. It's getting hard to defend her against everyone desperate to demonise her; and they are getting more desperate than Dappy.
What is that thing Emma is standing by that looks like a bit off a pirate ship or a hot air balloon? Ooh-aaaaaaaaaargh!
LOL Luisa is 'cooking for everyone except Lionel and Jim'. That's a power move. I like Luisa digging her heels in. It's petty and funny. Sam and Dappy worrying about what they're gonna eat. Jim guilt-tripping: 'I'll just have a bit of toast.' What, just the crumbs out the bottom, or a whole piece?
Lionel: 'Give me your lips.' Lionel sees women as either whores or horrors, and he can see that in the same woman. There's no middle-ground. It makes me laugh the way they always make friends after all the animosity in the day! I'm like that though, I can't hold grudges. I'd be like, 'aw, alright then.'
Liz: 'The water is black in London.' It isn't. Perhaps Liz is that girl who comes out of the TV in The Ring. The edit she's getting from BB is ridiculous. It's just so stupidly biased that they're not showing her that I'm glad she's getting support from the public.
Dappy telling Jasmine what's what. Ha. Jasmine's got her Cruella coat on. Dappy is constantly funny, even when enraged. Why is he talking in an American accent? He's like Jedward. Lee just made the international sound for oral. *tongue wiggle* Is Dappy drunk, he's gone very sincere all of a sudden. Lee: 'I hear dat.' Dappy: 'I'm not just drunk.' Dappy is definitely drunk. That conversation was the lols.
Lee and Jasmine need to knock the PDAs on the head - and people say Liz is boring.
Ooh, 'Get Luisa out.' Jim has a photo: communication with the outside world! Liz looks cute. I see they got their make up back, then.
Jim is loving getting the most votes. Luisa will be safe. As much as people don't like her, people will support her.
Dappy kissing Luisa is DIRTY, DISGUSTING AND LOOSE.
LOL to Ollie saying Sam is 'far more beautiful without make up.' What a smoothie. So not true!
Jim not understanding why Casey is upset, ha. Hilarious. Casey, please talk about something else. Boobs! Lee!
OMG Is Luisa REALLY letting Dappy lick her nipple?! WHYYYYYYYYY? She must be mental. She REALLY doesn't hold a grudge.
I like the way Luisa laughs when she gets booed, I would too.
Yes! Jasmine is out! I didn't think anyone would vote for her. Why would they? Liz powers on like the dynamo she is! Jasmine don't even get a umbrella.
Ha to people carping about Liz being saved on Twitter. Maybe people are sick of watching Lee and Jasmine dry/wet humping? Huh? Liz has more entertainment in her little finger than Jasmine. Liz thousand-yard staring into space is more entertaining than Lee and Dappy's whole musical back catalogue combined.  
Jasmine will be back in America before Lee even gets back. Ha, I'm glad they're showing Jasmine this Lee bullshit.
Casey has got a screwface in the background. Do you think Lee will walk? He said he never would but he's so soft on this hard-faced woman he probably would.
Jasmine seems a bit cool on Lee in her interview. Can't really blame her, though.
Ha, Jasmine wouldn't put it past Lee to go back to Casey. Jasmine is a tough cookie. She's 'doing a Tully' as someone did in BBAU - all over a guy in there and then denounced him because she had a girlfriend when she came out. Why is the idiot crowd shouting 'who are ya?'
I will miss Jasmine a bit, but not the 'romance'. I can't bear the groping. Ha, Jasmine wants Ollie or Sam to win. What about Luisa and Lee? She IS a reptile!
Everyone is up, but Jasmine gets to save two people! Nominations superpower, y'all! That was weird them seeing the evicted housemate.
Haha to Jasmine saving Casey and Linda because she wants everyone else out with her. Never mind saving Lee. LOL. What a crazy bitch. Oh no, I was hoping we might get rid of Linda soon! Jasmine saved the two most boring housemates. Epic fail. Liz FTW.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Is Aunt Mildred there, please?

SLOP! What is this, BBUS? Put 'em on PB&J. 'Bland grey slop', as if slop wasn't bad enough. Ha, Jim meant to press curry. I could eat neither curry nor slop. Or chick peas. Remember Rachel Rice used to be obsessed with chickpeas? What a winner.
The democracy monolith looks quite intergalactic, too. Is that back engineered from recycled Who Wants to Be a Millionaire voting pads? 
So Jim is deciding what all the other housemates do? Fair enough. He said he won't abuse the power and he seems trustworthy - ha.
Making tea out of old teabags is like smoking fag-butts. So Lee and Jasmine are openly snogging now. Casey should really just cut her loses and stop doing that screwface.
Ha, Jim chose Linda as most boring housemate! Good. Liz isn't boring anyway so she didn't deserve it.
Outside contact, blah. Jim smirking about Linda. He should just vote her for everything, biggest old bat, most annoying, most likely to be evicted next.
Linda isn't really watching paint dry, because her goggles are covered in paint. Lionel: 'She's such a lovely lady.' Incorrect.
OMG cigarettes or beauty products! I thought they'd want cigarettes more as they all smoke like chimneys. I don't smoke and I wouldn't mind not wearing make up so I wouldn't care either way.
Lee and Jasmine are finger-banging in the treehouse. Ah, now she's riding him in the living room. Lovely.
Fake nomination. At least some are voting for Lee now. Did Lee vote for himself! Did Jim pick that one? Lee DID vote for himself Tim from BBAU style! It didn't feel quite as impressive.
LOL to Lee saying 'don't shout at her' to Lionel for having a go at Jasmine like a drunk boyfriend in Wetherspoons. This is like I'm a Celebrity again - lipstick wars. It wasn't interesting then, either.
Such a boring show tonight. Lee: 'I looked at you and my stomach went zzzzzzzzzzz.' That's how I feel watching this fauxmance.
If Lionel farting is really a highlight, God help us.
Luisa has a 'beautiful punani.' Dappy better check and make sure. They should keep that 'democracy' machine going off all night.
LOL to Jim choosing Luisa and Lionel as the most annoying housemates. OMG I could not be in a room with clocks ticking. I would flip. I do not respond well to ticking. I can hear a ticking clock a mile off. I can hear a tap dripping from a house away. Even birds tweeting make me murderous. 
Does Luisa think they're really going to get into that room with champagne and chocolates? This has echoes of the Basshunter task. They should play some Basshunter into the room to add to the ambience.
Lionel is like a real old person taking a PPI call. Lee is with Ollie in the toilet now! Taps on or off?
I loved Luisa's jailbreak. Lionel: 'Chocolates please.' Rebels! Hilarious. Good on them!
Is BB going to chuck her out? I like it when people break the rules. There's nothing worse than a 'rule-booker', as they say on BBAU. Big Brother is being a wimp! Give her a warning! Send her to jail. Do not pass go.
They did a task like this on BBUS where someone got put in a room with an alarm going off every 9 minutes. Lionel can't sleep in that room without his orthopedic mattress. I like the pairing of these two, I think they're quite funny. I hope Luisa stays and Jasmine goes.
'Is Aunt Mildred there, please?' This is like a bad trip or a horror movie. Lionel: 'Go fuck yourself.' Couldn't have put it better myself.
So Liz got ZERO air time tonight. Does not bode well. Save Liz, let's get shot of Jasmine and hopefully Lee will go with her.

Monday, 13 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I will look after you

We just watched the Heidi and Spencer After Shock show and now my boyfriend is comatose so I'm watching this alone. Thanks Speidi! To be fair, Jim can't help that he snores. Luisa and Jasmine can help being a pair of old harpies, touching each other's bits over the vodka mix.
Lee going for the Abz vote, befriending one of the butterflies that were formally in his stomach. Granddad butterfly. Oh, the poetry. Swoon.
Jim is confirming my point that he has no choice about snoring. Luisa is inconsiderate. What is 'having fun'? Giggling under a blanket? Waking people up?
Lee says Duncan is gay. I thought Duncan was bi. I like Simon the best, he's very handsome and he didn't make a twat of himself in the jungle.
Liz is twitching about cruelty to animals because a dog has been sent in to steal a string of sausages. I would be, too. If she thinks that's bad, she should have seen the year they had the gorilla in there, HA.
This task is stoopid. That was the dullest task ever. How can they follow the knocking shop - sorry, strip show - with this?
Face to face nominations equals easy targets and controversial characters up, which can work out badly. At least they can't fiddle it this time.
I like the frankness of Luisa's nomination: 'I'm nominating Jim because he's a fucking arsehole and he gets on my tits.' It's better than 'they don't clean the kitchen', isn't it?
Luisa nominated Liz for taking about her dogs. Does she remember this small chap called Dappy, called her a slag, a fucking hoe, and loose two days ago? Remember him? He's sat right there.
Jim is seething! I don't think I've ever seen such enthusiastic face to face nominations. Luisa didn't like what she said about him.
Can someone explain to me why Jim is nominating Liz and not Linda? Do not get it. Poor Liz.
Jasmine's nominations were a bit more wishy washy. Ha, she called Jim sexist.
Dappy nominated Liz! That's his homegirl. Why is Dappy doing the same nominations as last week? Boring. Dappy also nominated Luisa for mentioning his mum. Mummy!
Ollie nominated Liz, too, aw. I feel sorry for Liz. Ollie was quite brave to nominate Jim.
Lee: 'Liz, you bitch. I'm joking.' Ha bloody ha. Lee is nominating Sam for fencesitting, basically. WTF BB won't accept his nomination and is making him change it! You've got to be kidding me. He could vote tactically now! That's cheating. That's a bunch of BS.
Ooh, Liz nominated Linda because she reminds her of her older sister and she makes her nervous. That's a bit unfair on Linda. Liz on Jasmine: 'I look at her and I literally want to kill myself.' Oh, because of her self esteem issues. I thought it was something else. This is like a Lauren Harries nomination: 'I'm nominating you because you remind me of my auntie Jill who we don't speak to...'
I don't think Liz meant to use those words to hurt Jasmine about her dad. Jasmine is crying again. DOES she have feelings? Jasmine is right, though, it's not her fault the way she looks.
Sam nominated Liz for loving animals. Is that an OK reason? Shouldn't Big Brother be saying, 'Are you going to end someone's game over that?' Talk about favoritism! And she dared nominate Jim. I'm surprised.
I'm glad Linda nominated Dappy at least. Why didn't Dappy get more votes? Is it OK to speak the way he did at the weekend?
Not more votes for Liz, poor Liz. Ha, Casey nominated Jasmine. At least she dared. I like Casey's lips jumper.
I hate Lionel! He nommed Jasmine and JIM! I'm surprised he nominated Jim face to face. He's a shrewd one.
So up is Liz, Jim, Jasmine, and Luisa only on 2 nominations.
I don't know why Dappy is grovelling round Luisa. Own your own vote. Bad atmosphere in the house now. Luisa is certain she's going to go. I think she might get some votes off the back of her Dappy wars. I will vote to save her and Liz.
LOL to Jim saying Lionel didn't make him famous. I actually feel almost SORRY for Jim!
Liz should apologise to Jasmine for her choice of words, even though she didn't mean them. Casey is coming off a bit one-dimensional again, except for instead of 'boobs', it's just 'Lee'.
I haven't seem Jasmine be 'over the top nice' to Liz. Or anyone. Jasmine is on the warpath after Casey now. Oh dear. I have a feeling Casey will be eaten alive. Oh, get over it, Casey. You're really stringing this out now.
Good on Jim for sticking up for Liz. He is so right. That was a power move, right there. I'm glad Liz apologised, too. Jasmine: 'It's almost like racism voting for me because I'm beautiful.' No it isn't.
Dappy and Luisa bonding is somewhat sickening.
Taps on time! Lee doesn't want Jasmine to go back to her bat cave. 'I will look after you.' I don't think she needs looking after, I really don't. She's hard as nails. Lee, on the other hand...

Sunday, 12 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Roll on, death

Well, yesterday sorted the Dappy-apologist, slut-shaming, women-haters from the forward-thinking, sex-positive everyone else who believe women can do what they like with their bodies. I will never understand in a million years why anyone - and it's particularly disgusting when it's women - care how many people another woman has slept with. In what way does it affect your life? Just mind your own business. We're so far behind culturally in terms sexuality in terms of Europe and America - we really are the frigid bitches of the Western world. No wonder other countries think we're uptight freaks and bad in bed.
All seems cheery this morning. I wonder how long that will last. I like Luisa's pyjamas/ onesie. It's the only attractive onesie, I've seen.
Lee: 'I'd love to get married.' Two days ago he said he didn't want a girlfriend.
Casey really needs to get over it now and just leave it with Lee. She knows who and what he is (fanny rat).
Jasmine: 'Lee is loud and rambunctious'. Yeah, like a puppy you regret buying. How does Casey keep her eyebrows so massive? Does she draw them on or are they tattooed?
Dappy seems veritably charming today. Lee's tattoos are so gross and cheap looking. His body's not even nice, either. Although my boyfriend likes his hair (?!)
Casey and Jim's bonding time. She's going to 'wait' to shag Lee? I think she'll be waiting a while. Although once Jasmine hovers off back to her crypt, she might have half a chance. Jim chatting up Casey, ha.
They are making Sam say she has feelings for Ollie! That's cruel! He's onto her! Sam is one of the housemates who has to be directed to become entertaining. That's a sign of a very poor housemate.
Haha, Jasmine starting on Casey for no reason! Mean Big Brother. This is imaginary drama. Casey's been looking for an excuse to shout at Jasmine.
Jim and Lionel  in their parkas pontificating. I don't mind there being old grumpies in the house, as long as they're funny.
Dappy's apology to Luisa did seem quite heartfelt. He could just be a TRUE GAMER. 'I've got kids, too.' Aw. Ha, I'm such a softie, I find it hard to hold a grudge. I guarantee I'll be off him again by the end of the show.
I don't know what Ollie sees in Sam! He should hook up with Casey. I bet Lee would fancy Casey again if someone else showed an interest in her.
LOL to those who didn't get to go to the sex party. Quite interesting choices for each party. OMG what is Lee wearing! Mixing a children's show with a sex party seems WRONG.
Dappy: 'If you're happy and you know it.' OMG Lionel just said 'suck my dick!'
Ugh this sex task is groo. I liked seeing Ollie letting his hair down, though. And so is Lionel! Sam did not look impressed with Jasmine's pole dancing.
The children's bit is creepier than the sex bit. OMG LEE RYAN'S POLE DANCING. It had to be seen to be believed. I took photos. I am scarred for life. He obviously DID spend a lot of time in the strip club. Ollie did not look impressed, and nor did Lionel or Sam. Luisa obviously wasn't that sexy as she didn't get much air time. Why didn't we see Ollie strip!!! Big Bruvver!
Lionel only did it to join in! Ha. Why is Lionel throwing his toys out of the pram? Lionel's moaning about what the girls did. What about what Lee did! What about Lionel going 'SUCK MY DICK'! I want to see the whole of that sex party uncut and decide for myself.
LOL to Jasmine calling Jim a grumpy old git. Jim and Lionel are so touchy! Talk about crabby.
Ha to Jim's disgust at Katy Perry. He don't want to hear her roar. He's got Russell Brand-itis. I wanted them to play another song just as they went to bed, something really annoying.
Is Jasmine naked? Are her and Luisa making out? I think Jim's gonna go hang himself. Why is Jasmine going out there? Leave the old man alone. Ha, he's pretending to be asleep. He's not mad. He's just about to throttle Jasmine. I like the way she laughed and lit a cigarette. She's quite cruel. I think she could crack him. I think she could push him over the edge.
Don't have nightmares.

Saturday, 11 January 2014

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I've never had one STD, just a urine infection

'It's 2013. I respect women'. Well, I don't know much, but I know neither of those statements are true. Not sure how I'm going to write thing fucking thing right now, but think my Dappy bile should keep me fired up.
Lee: 'You don't fall in love as many times as you go to Nandos.' Depends on if you're Lee Ryan, or that dude trying to get his free Nandos card.
Oh STFU about this love triangle already. I don't want to hear another word about it. Casey is a bit possessive over Lee. What does she see in him? I've barely heard Liz slag anyone off, which is a little disappointing.
LEE: stop whining, you prick. JUST SHUT UP. BB must understand we're getting sick of this now. God, he's such a big baby.
Not quite sure what point Dappy is trying to make with 'it's 2013' especially when, er, it's not. So let's just assess how this conversation started. Dappy was bragging about fucking about on tour. Then: 'A fucking hoe.' Well, now we get down to the brass tacks. I'm glad Casey witnessed this. Old turnip head piping up with 'there aint no such thing as equal' - well we already know he has no respect for gay people or horses, so why not women, too? Get to fuck, Evander.
Dappy: 'Come back' after he just called them a 'fucking hoe.' So weird that he would rather be a pig than a slag. Because being a slag is so awful and that can only be applied to women. SIGH.
What has it got to do with Dappy how many men or women Luisa has slept with, in one night, or one lifetime, it's NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS.
RELAX YOURSELF. 'Ask Linda if she agrees!' Who gives a fuck if Linda agrees or not? Who cares if she slept with five men in one night or 50 men in 10 years? What the fuck as it got to do with this little cunt? How many dumb self-hating fucking bitches have slept with this little pipsqueak? Who is he to tell other people how to live their life when he's getting his donkey schlong out to boost his record sales! WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!
'I respect women.' Here's how Dappy respects women. He spits on them in BP garages. He calls them slags. He cheats on the mother of his child. With this sort of respect, he's starting to make Lee Ryan look like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.
LOL Dappy has struggled in life. On the mean streets of fucking Hertfordshire. How does HE know Luisa has never struggled in life? What the fuck do any of us know about anyone else's life?! He's making judgements left right and centre.
Dappy is being an aggressive little cunt. He should have been called to the DR and told to chill the fuck out.
Dappy: 'I bet Sam don't agree with that.' Yeah, let's hear Sam's opinion on the matter. Oh, sorry, she's too busy SITTING ON THE FENCE RIGHT NOW. Why isn't Jim telling Dappy to chill his fucking boots? Why is NO ONE SPEAKING!
Linda; 'Are you alright, Luisa?' after Dappy's gone. Brave. Evander backing up Dappy's horseshit. Thank God he's gone. Thanks FUCK.
Dappy IS a little kid. He's 26! He acts like some kid on the back of the bus throwing chips at you.
LOL to 'you just can't buy class'. He had a go at her for being a snob, so she might as well act like one.
What is this bullshit about Dappy listening outside the DR door? That shouldn't be allowed WHATSOEVER. Put him in his fucking nappy again and leave him there until he shits his pants this time. He acts like he's a newborn, so treat him like one.
What is this shit about 'are you going to tell your daughter how many people you've slept with.' Who TELLS their daughter that?! What planet is he on. You don't HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS. (Well, I have, but my mum was drunk at the time).
Oh my God, is he STILL GOING ON? Big Brother, call him to the Diary Room, this is fucking harrassment. Why would Dappy's mother have ANYTHING to be ashamed about! She's brought up such a lovely boy, probably in between fucking guys left right and centre and NOT telling Dappy about it, like normal parents do.
Ah, now the GCSE grades come out. Here come the big guns, gangsters. That's when you know we mean business. Whilst living in the ghetto, Dappy was also school swot and master prefect. No mention of A levels though, I notice, and I don't think they give out degrees in cuntery. I'm still agog he got one grade higher than me for English, he can't even speak it. Still, this is mature. 'An A and B in stuck up' was quite funny, though.
The level of rage I'm feeling towards the TV is not healthy. I don't know how Luisa contained herself not to knock his fucking teeth out. She would have been a HERO. I swear he was goading her to try and get that sort of reaction. BB should have stepped in.
Did you know Dappy had an A plus in English? HAS HE MENTIONED IT? Hold on, it's gone from an A plus in maths to a B in maths. I want to see the actual certificates. I'm not buying any of this. I only got an A and I'm a writer and wasn't gangbanging and drug dealing at the time, so how did he get an A plus when he was keeping it street? This RE-SOOM-AY DON'T ADD UP, as Alan Sugar would say.
Ha to Lee going 'ooh, quick' when the row started again.
Your agent told you to keep your fucking mouth shut' was the biggest ownage of the night. Just brilliant. Luisa is a brave woman to even talk about having sex on TV, and she certainly doesn't need anyone sticking up for her in this row. She's tough.
Why is Dappy wearing a jacket from Millets? It looks like the sort of jacket your dad would wear for a country walk. SWAG.
'I'm not a prick, though.' I do not understand why he has not been given a warning for this. I thought they weren't allowed to say things that could cause offense to people watching. Well I know I'm only an inferior WOMAN but I am fucking OFFENDED so give him is warning, please. In fact give him his suitcase and dump him on the hard shoulder somewhere so I don't ever have to look at the little maggot again.
Dappy: moral arbiter. I reckon he would go to a sex party. He's an ANIMAL.I think it's terrible that no one stuck up for Luisa. Jim is being a dick, Luisa was just DEFENDING HERSELF. Jasmine is the only person on her side.
Ha to Linda and Jim having a laugh for once. They must be desperate.
LOL, Dappy is bringing out the three number one singles now. Morrissey would be fuming, he's never had a number one.
Now we've covered the GCSEs and the records, Dappy's having to resort to the fact he's never had an STD, but he had a urine infection. Just amazing. He's either an evil genius, or least self-aware man on the planet. I've changed my mind, keep in him. It's just non stop entertainment, it really is. Just let it keep digging and digging and digging.
Why is Linda DEFENDING Dappy!? Disgusting. Who cares about Dappy's mum? She brought up that fucking thing. She deserves no respect.
I'm glad Lee and Casey saw all that bullshit today before they voted, because it helped that Luisa was getting browbeaten and slut-shamed all day long.
I still think it's bad manners how Evander when out, even though he was a plank and an ignoramus. He's still a guest in our country and deserved a proper goodbye and a sorry from Lee and Casey who were acting like selfish dickheads. Good to see Dappy lose his wingman, though.
Why is idiot Lee hugging Dappy after the way he's been behaving today. Dappy is Lee's only way to redeem himself. The only person who can make Lee look decent. Dappy must be particularly annoyed that Evander went over that harlot Luisa.
Jasmine: 'she clearly thinks she's got him back.' I think Jasmine only wants Lee if someone else is interested in him. I think she's just that sort of person.
I hate it when they go back in and go on and on about all they've seen. What is that fucking waistcoat Lee is wearing? Jasmine looks good tonight. Lee is acting like a little idiot. Jasmine is loving the attention.
This BB feels like it's been on for years but it's cos I've had to stop so many times to spout off.It has taken me an hour and a half to watch it.
Jim is talking to Luisa about things she says being taken the wrong way. Hold on, whilst I get my pot and kettle out.
You ARE OAPS, Jim and Lionel. It's just a fact. Why is Lionel bagging on her now, she's already had a rough day. Oh, shut up, Jim. He's making it worse.
I don't think Luisa wants to go home, I think she feels victimised, demeaned, humilated and embarrassed, which is exactly what Dappy wanted.
Is this Big Brother sponsored by no brand vodka and lemonade? They seem to have crates of the stuff. Jim: 'Do you think I'm being myself in here, I'd be thrown out in a minute.' Well, at least he's honest and we know it's true. It's called self-awareness. That was a strange sort of comforting Jim did there.
Why is LIONEL stirring the pot now? He IS an OAP, deal with it. Stop trying to get airtime! Go to fucking bed, old man.
At last, Linda speaks sense! Telling Dappy to grow up. Ha, Linda, 'If I could I would.' That's the sort of thing my mum would say! Does anyone really believe Lionel's feeling are hurt? Today Luisa has been called a slag, a loose woman and a bad mother. You got called OLD which you ARE. We all get old and we all die and to make it to 82 with jazz hands still agogo is not doing too shabby, so get over it.
I think Dappy must have been on the phone to his agent in the Diary Room because he's now apologising to Luisa. LOL to Dappy and Luisa cuddling. She's a bigger woman than I am, I'd cut his fucking nuts off in the middle of the night, with Jim Davidson's egg slicer, if to hand. Let's see how long this truce lasts.
OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE LEE STUFF. 'I didn't look in her eyes the way I look in your eyes.' Is the reptile crying? What the fuck is she crying about? She's probably got something in her eye.
SO MUCH RAGE. Good to get that out of my system, though, right? Better out than in. I'm honestly going to take a valium now. And probably watch a cartoon or something. Relax yourself, indeed. Swag!