Friday, 13 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The Finale

What is this final countdown show? I like them having all the ex housemates there early! This format is weird, though. Why not just do this bit as part of the main show? Well, let's give it a chance.
Woah, see the way Lauren hit the deck there? She's really wobbly! I'm going to give Lauren and Abz one vote to win each, as I don't really mind who wins out of those two.
Dinner speeches! It can never top Spencer Pratt's crying and Heidi demanding wine. I think that was on the live feed too? That was AMAZING. This. is. not.
Ha, they've dug Ron up! LOL to Emma and Sophie sparring with each other. Back when they were 16! What a pair of cunts they must have been when they lived together. Odious pair.
Danielle is just pathetic. Look at those crappy little cubes they're making them sit on. Set budget: zero pence.
Lauren's hair is looking fabulous tonight! Maybe they got makeovers. God, not another dull slideshow. Turgid.
That's a bit sneaky the way the first vote closed before the 'real' show even began. What if you only tuned in at 9? I note the two groups are sitting on different couches. God, Look at Charlotte's eyeshadow. She looks like Joan Collins.
Here's the main live show. Now I've got a confession to make. I'm broke, but going out for my friends birthday tomorrow, so had to conserve my last £30. But I wanted to have a drink whilst I watched this bullshit, so I went out and bought a Iron Bru WKD for a quid from the shop. I'm going to open it now. It's not too bad actually. I'm sure Charlotte would approve.
So I'm guessing it will be Vicky out first? Why are they booing Lauren? She looks cute. Ooh, I hope it's Mario out first. Oh, it is Vicky. OMG are they evicting them two at a time? Fucked up. Mario looked disappointed to be going. Bet he's even more disappointed to be walking out arm in arm with Janice Battersby. It's like getting evicted with your mum. Not sorry in the SLIGHTEST for him! AND it's pissing it down! Haha, the perfect accessories, Janice and a brolly. Sucks to be you, Mario.
Plus, you don't get to hear your own crowd reaction! You're the victim of someone else's boos/ cheers! What a wash out; literally. Make the show longer, or do more mid week evictions, you wallies. This is unacceptable. Have they done this before?
Ha, the tweenies probably didn't get a chance to vote for Mario before the show started. Funnies. Well, I guess it's hard to be popular when you just see women as body parts. I'm glad Courtney got evicted midweek now as she got her own interview!
My boyfriend is really anti umbrellas, so he'd go mad if someone forced him to carry an umbrella just as he got evicted. And to have your picture taken with it! The shame.
Mario: 'There's so much time in there to fink.' That must be hard when you've got no brain.
The crowd are really rowdy tonight! What are they chanting about? They're too distracting.
This joint interview is shit. Everyone deserves their own interview, even people off TOWIE. If BB can't even be bothered to do that, we might as well give up.
Mario doesn't like people speaking behind each other's backs?! Is he being ironic? He's 'not that sort of person'. I don't think Mario knows what sort of person he is. He doesn't KNOW HIMSELF. If only he could read, he could read my blog and find out.
Oh, at least Emma actually called him up on sitting in a gang with Carol, even if she stopped short of saying he was a bitch (which he was). Janice is talking ALL OVER Mario's interview. Ha.
I'm surprised they didn't give them joint best bits. Oh well, Mario, at least you got the wub wubs. That's all you can ask for. That and Wild by Jessie J, if you're Jack and Joe. I don't even think Mario's good looking. He's got a podgy face and a horrible personality. But... at least he's not Kirk Norcross.
Lauren looks SOOOOOO scared. Aw. Those people chanting 'get Lauren out' should be ashamed of herself. She's done nothing bad! She's shaking like a leaf and they're being nasty. I'm gonna ring up for Lauren again. Fuck those cunts. Hold on, it's probably Big Brother staff doing it to make me vote for Lauren.
Ha, Carol is coming out on her own, so gets the full range of booage. She's officially more loathed than Denise Welch and Colleen Nolan. I didn't think that was possible. She looked a bit shocked to go, I thought.
Was there a 'lot of love out there' for Carol? All I heard was boos.
Carol: 'The feeling in the house was that Abz would go before Mario'. The difference is, Abz is a nice person, Carol. She doesn't get it. She'll never get it. She's rotten.
This is bollocks, Carol 'enjoyed herself' I heard Carol moaning she wanted to leave, I'm sure of it! She moaned NON STOP.
As much as I don't like Charlotte, at least the final three people all have good hearts. Charlotte is playing up to her role, but I don't think she'd do you any wrong. All the nasties: Janice, Carol and Mario went out first, and that's a result.
Carol says about herself that she's 'much nicer than she thought she was.' She must have thought she was a total prick.
Ah, what, Carol's getting wub wubs? Boo!
I see Queen Charlotte can't even be bothered to sit with the other two. Oh, no, Lauren third! How could she compete with their fanbases? She couldn't. She looks pissed off. Hope she doesn't fall down the stairs. Oh the umbrella dude is walking her down. Cute. Lauren is doing a 'I'm working it' face. Aw, bless her.
Lauren was classy in her interview. It felt like she meant it when she said she was happy to be third. Lauren hopes Charlotte or Abz wins it. Who else is there?!
The Lauren and Courtney clips were so sweet. I hope they manage to stay friends. I'd love to see Lauren and Doug hanging out.
Lauren: 'Carol looks like my aunt Jennifer who we don't speak to.' Classic.
Aw, what a shame. But us Big Brother fans are used to this sense of disappointment. And now...
Oh, what, I thought we were going to get the whole thing, but they're breaking it up. I was considering blogging this Celebrity Super Spa but I resent them putting it on in the middle of the Big Brother final, so I'm not going to. I watched a bit of it and it was total shit so I watched Miley Cyrus chatting about smoking spliffs on Alan Carr instead. She seemed much more charming than when she was being 'wholesome'.
I also want to say something about Abz and people comparing him to Sam. Let's clear this up. Sam did nothing except be sexist, tell a couple of childishly amusing jokes and call Dexter a bellend. That was IT, in three months. Abz is quiet, but even in his moments of solitude, he has been consistently entertaining. He's intriguing. He's an enigma. Sam wasn't an enigma. He was ignominious.
And we're back. It's so obvious she's going to win it, because got a zillion Twitter followers. It's not fair, because that shouldn't be why someone wins. What has she done in the house? Pissed herself, flashed her boobs and told someone to suck off a pig. Jade Goody is looking like Princess Di right now.
And we're back. Emma seems incapable of saying the word 'sixth'.
Here we go. At least they're holding hands. Fuck, she won it. Abz is our Dexter. Charlotte is doing a 'Natalie Cassidy giving birth' face. Abz is so magnanimous in defeat. What a trouper.
Abz don't want that brolly. He's in Five! Should have pissed the bed, Abz. You missed a trick there.
Aw, 'my little heart can't take it.' So sweet.
I'm glad Abz said that Lauren should have won it. Charlotte doesn't deserve it. Charlotte deserves shooting.
Abz: 'I've done nothing for the last ten years.' Ha. No. You made a swan apple. His girlfriend is beautiful! He's too cute. He misses his pooches. Abz: 'This chair is incredible.'
Louie shaking under an umbrella looking murderous, and then sticks out his tongue when he sees a camera. Says it all. Ahhhh, Abz is sort of getting wub wubs. Abz deserves wall to wall wub wubs. There's not a person on the planet who could dislike Abz. Even though he talks like THAT.
So. This result makes me want to put a fist through a cake. But if you were in line with popular opinion, wouldn't you hate yourself? Those with taste are doomed to always support the runner up. Otherwise you'd be a One Direction fan.
OMG! What's with the dry ice? Or is something on fire?! LOL. I hope it's Carol McGiffin. Emma couldn't even see Charlotte! Hilarious. Maybe someone let off a grenade. I'm loving seeing all the losers standing in the rain (the celebs, not the crowd).
Charlotte seems to be having a breakdown. The public haven't 'warmed to her', just her idiot fans are in such high numbers she was guaranteed to win it before she even walked in the door.
At least she admits she's not 'ladylike' (the term 'ladylike' is sexist) but I feel like that's part of the act, too. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet little dimwit, like someone you went to primary school with who hadn't learnt to control their bladder yet, who you were embarrassed of. But that's not something that makes a winner. That's someone to pity.
So, quite a fitting end to the worst series of Celebrity Big Brother ever. A dreadful winner for a dreadful series. Truly diabolical.
Did Emma just say into the camera: 'Thanks for coming out tonight in this awful weather.' No worries, you fucking idiot.
Thanks for bearing with the show, and bearing with me. We might do a wrap up podcast? I'll have to see what mood my boyfriend is in when he sees the result! My guess: displeased.
Thanks for reading. I guess the summer ends here. I need to find something else to blog, probably X Factor live shows. But it's soulless compared to BB! Night night, swan apples.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Battle of the blands

My friend and I were reliving the highlights of January's CBB today. 'I'll show you a horrible bastard!' 'My England, my kryptonite...' 'Do you even kish, mate?' And so on. Can you quote something memorable from this series? Which housemate is your favourite? Exactly.
Was Carol sleep talking? Wasn't she? Who cares? She says a lot worse whilst awake.
Abz: 'I don't know what's going on in this house.' You don't say. There's an art to avoiding other people in there, and he's mastered it. Hats off.
Why is Carol apologising for sleep talking! That's one thing she can't control. Apologise for being so horrid. Carol is an old nag at the fence.
LOL to Big Brother giving Carol a warning for sleep talking nomination talks. That's funny. Apparently you're team Vicky or team Carol. I'm team 'can't stand either'. They are both chippy, unpleasant old women.
I think Abz has been on the David Icke DVDs. Abz is reflecting back the negativity in his crystals. I'm not into crystals. But whatever gets you through the day.
Malv 4 isn't a very catchy band name. Not a very catchy song either. It's not exactly Ulrika and Verne, and although I thought that was nonsense at the time, looking back, it's like TV GOLD.
The Jumbles seem a bit more lively. Their song has a tune, too. I think Abz is twitching cos Louie wrote a better song than him.
Eviction time. Still sore that Courtney went, she was lush. I feel embarrassed that the English people she got to meet were these arseholes.
Ironically Mario did a blowjob face when Louie got evicted. Shame it wasn't that prick, instead.
LOL to Charlotte going 'down it!' with the champagne and everyone ignoring her. You're not in Geordie Shore now, young lady!
Abz to Charlotte (hopefully): 'We might never see each other again.'
I really hate these fake awards they do. Who cares? Is Charlotte really the funniest housemate? God help us.
Sexiest housemate... Mario? I'd take Abz over him any day.
Carol got biggest villain, ha. The villain! Bhahahaha. I saw the REAL villain, Anton, in Ewell today. Think on.
What is that dress Charlotte is wearing tonight? It looks like a teepee. I thought she'd won 'most annoying' housemate, but it was 'most entertaining'. This doesn't bode well for the win. OMG to the knickers and boob flashing. She truly is an animal. Carol and Vicky were loving it.
Ha, Lauren won biggest gameplayer! Is this a PR exercise for Charlotte, or what?
Abz is reduced to having to hang out with Mario now all his real friends have gone. I can't really argue with Carol saying Abz isn't entertaining, because the things he's done that have been entertaining, Carol hasn't seen.
Charlotte was not annoying AT ALL in the Diary Room, was she?! God, please don't let her win. Anyone but her, well, except Carol. My boyfriend put a fiver on Lauren early on and I think he gets £50 if she wins, so I say, vote Lauren!
Are Carol and Vicky bonding now?! Don't talk to the cameras, Janice. Didn't they teach you that on Corrie? Tomorrow it's all over. I can't say I'm sorry. But I'm sure I'll miss it.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: If I go and she doesn't, I'm going to kill myself

I just voted to Save Courtney three times. Worth a pound to see the rest of their faces.
Ab giving Louie his belt! Good game move. Collateral, they call it in BBUS.
Carol is doing some blackening of Vicky's name for the hell of it. 'If I go and she doesn't I'm going to kill myself.' Can we get that in writing? Way to get Vicky a zillion votes. I don't even know what they were arguing about. I've forgotten! What's the problem with these two? It's obviously something REALLY important.
Listen to the way Carol SPEAKS to people! OMG. She's got the manners of a fucking pig, it's no wonder she likes Charlotte so much. I would LOVE Carol to go tonight.
Carol announcing 'there's gonna be a row tonight.' Yeah, cos you're starting it! Even if they are editing her badly, she's still being a super sized cunt.
Haha, Janice admitting she's trying to goad Carol. Good! I want to see them go toe to toe. I'm glad Janice isn't scared of her. Why does Carol think she's entitled to stay over anyone else?
Let's face it, BOTH women are acting like a pair of fucking kids. I don't know anyone who acts like this! Seriously, how do they think it's acceptable? Neither of them DARE properly take each other on. They're just bitching behind backs. Sad. And also, not very entertaining at all.
LOL Carol is sleep talking! Slagging someone off in your sleep is BAD strategy. Weak gameplay! Haha, hilarious.
I still don't get why Louie is getting cheered. Everyone else seemed to get booed.
The crowd are chanting 'get Vicky out'! Why! Oh, no, it's Courtney! Bad buzz! Out of all those odious people! What a joke, seriously. I'd be in shock if I was her. Barbie wants her dress back. CAREFUL DOWN THE STAIRS, COURTNEY. STFU Louie. He was in a hurry to get her out. I don't think Mario hugged her but I could be wrong.
I like Courtney! She was like a ray of sunshine in that place. Fuck, only just noticed what Emma is wearing! Is it Goth night?! Seriously, who is styling her this year? And why do they hate her so much? Probably because she's so annoyingly biased.
Aw, I hope Abz looks after Lauren now.
Courtney's shoes look like trotters. I guess she is happy to be out. Who can blame her?
Doug looks like the clown from IT with those balloons. Creepy!
Courtney is a charming interviewee. So cute of her to say she misses Lauren already and she didn't feel smothered by her at all.
Courtney's face when Mario was mentioned! Ha, finger-gate. She was bored, lol. Good excuse. 'I don't remember it'. Also another good excuse.
Why does Emma keep going on about Courtney moaning about wanting to leave? EVERYONE moaned about wanting to leave! Emma couldn't even be bothered to say she was a great housemate. Just 'thanks for your body.' That's not all you are, Courtney. You're not just hair and tits, despite what Mario (and Emma) thinks.
LOVING Louie being out! A great shock. I wish it had been Carol or Mario but it's still a slap in the face for Carol, and definitely a slap in the face for Louie's ego, which let's face it, needs keeping in check.
Hold on, Louie isn't being careful on the stairs! Heed your own advice! Look at the way he turns it on! It's ALL AN ACT! How can you ever take 'camp, spinning Louie' seriously again? We KNOW what he's like now! AND he was getting the biggest cheer in the house. Ha.
Even in Louie's interview Emma is moaning about Courtney wanting to go! What about Louie being a prize prick?! At least Louie admitted he found it hard in there. That was one piece of honesty at least.
That was quite good the way they did two evictions in an hour. Felt kind! It's going to be an even longer slog in the last two days without Courtney. Abz or Lauren FTW. Will be so disappointed if that spoilt gimp Charlotte takes it.
As Morrissey once sang, 'To be finished, would be a relief.'

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Surrounded by ungrateful wankers

Do you think Lauren saw her mum? Well, let's just say they weren't exactly transparent about Rylan's Wembley rehearsals, were they, so nothing would surprise me. Lauren didn't seem to be saying she HADN'T seen her mum last night. This morning however, she's singing a different tune.
Seems like Charlotte is jealous of everyone in that house. No journey? Get to fuck! I'm glad Lauren was quite stern with her.
Why is Big Brother telling Lauren her mum turned up on eviction night, anyway? They shouldn't be telling them ANYTHING! Oh, why do I bother?
Carol and Mario slagging off Vicky. Ugh. I thought she was out of order too, but I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than side with this shower of cunts.
Carol calling Vicky, 'Just nasty'. Yeah, cos that crown belongs to you, Squidward. And you're not sharing it with anyone!
Abz cushion towers and Lauren's pig collecting tales are infinitely more interesting than anything anyone else will ever say in that house, which says it all.
Rylan's in da house! Dear Lord, Danielle and Sophie back in the house, too. Just what we didn't want. What a pair of arseholes.
Flirting is NOT cheating! Courtney's leg is going. I'm glad Louis defended her. Courtney looks mad!
Charlotte has got the right arsehole today. I think it's the 'do you need a talent to be a celebrity' question getting on her nerves. Aw, she's blubbing. I'm glad the house is making her doubt her pathetic facade.
Mario: 'Making people warm to you is the hardest talent you'll ever have.' Yeah. Especially when you're a reptile.
Why is Sophie kissing Carol's arse?
I'm glad Lauren defended Carol over the boyish figure thing. There was no need for Danielle to bring that up again. I'm so glad she left when she did, what a horrid person. How long has Danielle been working on the pirouetting piranha line? Absolutely tragic. What a pathetic display all round from Sophie, Carol, Danielle AND Louie. I've never seen Rylan so subdued. Even his teeth seemed dimmer.
Lauren and Courtney are on their own planet. I love their little world. I hate the way Carol talks to Courtney like she's a child. Even if she did put a stock cube in the kettle.
Oh, Louie wants to win now! Have they told them all to stop carping about wanting to go home? About time. Oh, they ALL want to win now!
It's funny Carol mentions 'atmosphere hoovers' because that's exactly what she is. I never get it when I see her and Louie slagging each other off because I always think they're best of friends. I can't work it out.
I hope all this bullshit doesn't save Janice tomorrow cos I want her to go. But in fact I don't mind who goes except Courtney. And it's a double so we can get two idiots out.
Wow, Carol and Charlotte are SO bitter about Lauren storming to the final. I feel like the editing is a bit skewy because I can't really work out who hates who. But I know one thing. I hate everyone.

Monday, 9 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Vicky's a stupid gremlin

Squidward: displeased with Spongebob's incessant giggling
Sorry I didn't blog at the weekend, it was a shame really as Vanessa Feltz's takedown of Team Cuntrag was quite delightful. We did do a rather high pitched podcast about the week's events, though, if you're interested. Anyway, on with tonight's show. Looks like it's going to be another shit stirring galore episode.
Mario's face is looking more bloated and puffy by the day. I know NOTHING about this guy from TOWIE, and his 'reputation' and I still know this guy is an enormous prick from a mile away.
Abz is getting involved larking about with Louie. Upping his game! Watch out BB finale.
LOL to Big Brother taping together all he people who hate each other. I couldn't do that all day.
Abz can even Kung Fu kick spatulas into the sink today. Is there nothing this man can't do? Surely they can't really be going loo together? That's an infringement of your privacy. Your arms would hurt like hell, too.
Mario and Courtney stroking each other's hands was VERY dodgy, much more suspect than the dancing, in my opinion. It had shades of Chantelle and Preston about it. It made me feel bad. Fuck him, because he's not interested in her, it's just in his nature to try and fuck anything that moves. I don't know what she's playing at. I think she's just young and gone a bit nuts but she needs to fix up and work out what she really wants because it's fucked up to do that on TV.
Ooh, so they're nominating in pairs. Interesting as they'd normally nominate each other. Louie and Vicky are up first. They nominated Courtney for being 'not that bothered about seeing her husband'. Well... Ha, they're nominating Carol, too. Hilarious.
I can't believe Carol nominated Louie, too. I thought they were BFFs! A severed alliance. Carol agreed to Lauren nominating Mario! She nominated her entire alliance! LOL.
OMG Courtney and Mario lying on the bed and she's got her fingers in her mouth. Lawks. I would be freaking out if I was her husband.
Abz is nominating Courtney! Boo, what about their moth moments? These noms are mental. Wow, can't believe Charlotte agreed to nominating Carol! These alliances are paper thin. The clique has clicked off.
I can't believe Mario wants to nominate Carol for 'bitching whilst she's drunk'. He's sat there bitching with her! He's the biggest hypocrite in that house. He blames others for things HE DOES HIMSELF constantly. What a ginormous tool.
Carol, Courtney, Mario, Vicky and Louie are up! Cool, Lauren and Abz are safe. I'll vote to save Courtney.
They made the right choices about which letters to shred, except Lauren's. Shred, shred, shred. Carol's alliance is in bits! Louie, Carol, Mario and Charlotte seem to hate each other today. I couldn't be happier.
Janice got a shout out from the local dignitaries, the Mayor, and even Edith, lol. Edith FTW. Blub blub blub. Next.
The housemates think Lauren saw her family in the house! Or did she see Dr Ottoman? Probably her mother.
I don't like the way Janice is speaking to people; she's being a patronising old bag. She is kind of right what she's saying to Louie, though, he doesn't seem bothered about anything. I'm glad Louie is actually saying he wanted to hear from his husband. DID Lauren see her family? She didn't react at all when Charlotte said Lauren had seen her mum.
I HATE IT when people say 'let me finish'. That was one of my old boss's favourite psychotic expression. 'LET ME FINISH'. 'I'M NOT BEING FUNNY'. FUCK OFF.
Janice is being a cow to Charlotte. I like the way Charlotte is unfiltered sometimes! 'Stupid fucking cow' - ha. At least she doesn't stand on ceremony.
Janice: 'I'm 45 years old.' This is a more pathetic statement than telling someone to suck a pig off. I'd rather be in there with Charlotte than Janice, because at least Charlotte doesn't kowtow like Janice does. No one deserves respect for being a certain age. Should I respect Robert Mugabe because of his advanced years? Piss off.
Charlotte is not TRYING to be an example for girls who want to be a doctor or a lawyer. She's not trying to be a role model. She's an average girl who got a lucky break and is making the most of it. There's no need to call her a 'fat slag'. I don't like her myself, but who does Janice think she fucking is? She was fat herself for years, so it's totally hypocritical of her to call anyone else fat. What 'university course' has Vicky been on? Is that what we measure people in, fucking GCSEs and degrees? How about if a person is considerate, kind, lovable, likable, loyal, brave? Can we measure people like this instead?
And the million dollar question: what IS the expression Charlotte's boyfriend makes when he ejaculates inside her?

Friday, 6 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The relationships will stand the test of time

Just watched Breaking Bad! Now gotta watch this crap. Groo. It's a double eviction and I'm not even bothering to watch it live, which says it all. I have a feeling the Americans are gonna get nuked tonight, which is a shame as they're two of the only ones I like.
'At the top of these Very stairs!' That was a good plug, Emma.
I can't believe we're having a discussion about whether or not farting is disgusting. Of course farting is disgusting. It's only acceptable in front of your partner.
I actually saw Bruce being quite pleasant on live feed last night. But let's not get over-excited. I wouldn't mind Janice going tonight. Janice or Louie or Bruce.
How cowardly of Carol to quite Loose Women in her column and not even tell her colleagues. It's embarrassing when people sidle off like that at my work, let alone on TV.
How come Louie is getting the secret task? They're obviously trying to save him. Annoying.
Courtney coming onto Bruce for a fag, lol.
Louie doesn't have to act very hard to have a meltdown. It's just him being his normal self. Sushi rage! I'd be mad if he threw crisps around. Step back from the crisps!
Abz's girlfriend is cute. I don't know who these other people are. TV gold declared. Whenever TV gold is declared, you can guarantee it's TV lead. Dustin's wife: 'call from a mobile phone!' What about a cell phone?
LOL to Janice tidying up. What a sucker. Abz is tidying up, too. Tee hee.
The others are horrified that Louie acted so well. But he looked like he was really crying to me.
Courtney grinding on Mario, oh Lord. Her hair extensions are worse than Gina's. OMG you hypocrite, Mario! 'If that was my wife in here I'd be going mad.' Don't dance with her like that, then, you creep! That's the biggest double standard I've ever seen.
Courtney: 'Weetos!' It's like her and Lauren are in the nursing home.
Mario, you're the person who's cheated on a billion girlfriends, aren't you? She's DANCING, not cheating! That type of dancing is gross, but that's how some girls and boys dance these days (so I've heard).
Why is Louie getting such a big cheer?! This is BS.
I'm not shocked Dustin went on a vote to save. He doesn't deserve to go, but he's the least well known, and he's not doing very much. It's a shame really, as I don't mind watching him. Vote to save is good to get rid of floaters, but the least famous/ well known are also vulnerable.
It's weird when people get cheered when they come out, but are booted early. Dustin must be pleased to go.
Dustin is trying to say what's aired and isn't! How would he know if he hasn't seen the show? I saw him on live feed saying he'd seen the show.
I didn't mind hearing what he said in the interview. He seems like an intelligent person. It's going on a bit, though. How come he gets such a long interview?
2nd eviction. Get Courtney out?! What is this, the anti-American edition? I'm glad Courtney was saved.
OMG Bruce is out! I thought it would be Janice to leave over him. Not sorry to see the back of Bruce, tbh.
LOL they're playing Oasis. Isn't that insensitive to Nicole Appleton? *topical*
I think Bruce could have had a 'journey' but he'd have had to pay Dexter first. I think he was lucky to have Janice in there looking after him. She's probably pleased to have the freedom of him going.
Bruce: 'We didn't have any conflict.' I think they did.
I think Bruce did turn a corner after being angry, but it's not exactly redemption.
Well, that was a great episode if you like hearing boring people moaning about food. Enjoy your evening!

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I'm over it

Why weren't face to face nominations live? Something vaguely interesting happens and they can't be bothered to show it. Figures.
Abz is only a year older than me, I learnt from Heat magazine in the bath earlier *glimpse into my world*. He comes across like he's been through a world war, not a boyband going bust.
Charlotte, please spare me the image of Carol 'sucking her boyfriend's willy'. Some things should not be pictured.
Dustin looks like a man on the edge. When Bruce is comforting you, you're screwed. Poor Screech, he looks tired out. I don't blame him for being over it. I'm over it, too. Dustin's now the same way Abz was when he entered the house. Like a haunted mansion.
Charlotte's psychic act is mildly amusing, but I'm not interested. It's so scripted, especially given the fact they keep mentioning Carol. Do they think we were born yesterday?
Why are they starving the housemates, anyway? I don't really get it. Has the food budget been cut? Waitrose too dear? Shouldn't have fucked things up with Lidl by having Jedward wreck the joint, ha.
This challenge is sponsored by Maximuscle! How can they do a task when they're all starved? Boo woo. I don't care about tasks. But I do advocate more celebrities being put in paperbags. Eyeholes in a paper bag, greatest lay I've ever had, as Brian Molko once said.
Dustin is doing a John McCruick, but instead of silence, he's on hunger strike, and there's no Diet Coke at the end of his rainbow.
I don't really see how Carol putting up Courtney is a 'special power'. Courtney would be up anyway, plus she only got one nomination.
Lauren's boobs are hanging out now! Has she been taking lessons from Courtney?! Bruce wants to stay? WTF. I'd hate to see him if he wants to leave.
I kind of like the way Sophie was with Lauren in the end, there was sort of a bit of humanity between them.
I actually saw Sophie being nice to Dustin, too. She actually listened to him, unlike most people in there, so STFU Carol.
Where's the dick on Carol's face gone? I'm surprised they could afford to pay for a new picture. How come Dustin goes 'I'm so glad you're here, I missed you' to Carol? Gameplanning! This is a blog full of questions.
Carol doesn't look 'lovely', she's just combed her hair. Actually, I don't mind what she's wearing.
I hate Carol's stupid scripted nomination to Courtney. What a load of tosh.
Face to face noms. If I only I cared if one person in that house lived or died. What has Dustin been analysing? All I heard was him moaning about food.
Is Carol immune? Why is no one nominating her?
Why is Bruce nominating Dustin if 'he's a great friend'? Dustin is an easy out face to face.
What sort of reason is it to nominate Lauren that she keeps falling over?
Dustin, Louie isn't 'kind of an arsehole.' He's a MASSIVE arsehole.
Up are Courtney, Abz, Bruce, Dustin, Lauren, Louie and Vicky. I think Dustin could be vulnerable. I don't exactly think there's a hardcore of Screech fans who are going to save him. Do you?
Ah, I get it. Dustin was acting up to get nominated. Fair enough. Every other idiot has done it.
Lauren: 'I can wear flat shoes and I don't have to leave tissues everywhere.' Why don't you try it, then?
Abz is right; Courtney does get a lot of stick. She's not that bad. I hope both of them stay. There's still some Five fans left, right?
Carol shit-stirring about Courtney's husband. Blah. No one wants to see you 'all over' your bloke. Gross.
Oh, so now Dustin's saying he DID lose his cool today. Make your mind up. I thought Bruce was quite good with him, really. I change my mind on everyone in this house every five minutes.
That felt real when Abz and Vicky said they wanted Lauren to win.
It seems like Courtney is being stifled by her husband and she's had a taste of freedom now. That man shouldn't have married her at 16, it's ridiculous. She needs to develop as a human. Still, bit late now.

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: All she is is a set of boobs and fake hair

Well, we're both still here (yes, all two of us) so we've obviously got nothing better to do. Shame on us! I'm feeling better though, and you keep ticking my boxes (not a euphemism!) no matter how low I sink, so for that, I'm happy. An eviction, then. With an hour's break in between. Will anyone stick around for the denouement? And can Carol patronisingly explain to us what denouement means?
My boyfriend gave up on yesterday's episode halfway through, and I switched off the live feed immediately as soon as I saw someone (Sophie) moaning to go home. I'm not watching it. If live feed dies, you can rest the blame squarely on Louie Spence's thick head. Done.
I've decided not to vote, even though I want Sophie to stay and Bruce out. If this is the best celebs they can afford, I'm not giving them more money to spend on... what? Fuck 'em! Let the chips fall where they may. I want no part of it.
I don't think even Emma can muster up any enthusiasm for this series anymore. I'd rather go shag one of Busted than deal with this shower of cunts, too.
I cannot BEAR these people in the safe house, or whatever the hell they're calling it today. Courtney is being pathetic, too. She looks alright in the boiler suit.
TOWIE prick: 'All she is is a set of boobs and fake hair.' Well that's two more things than you are, Mario. You're just Carol's little bitch. I actually didn't mind him until two days ago, but his real personality is leaking out all over the place, like an STD.
Ha, pleased to see they're humilating Abz with his Five back catalogue. Is this really want Mr Big wants? He was better off in Sex and the City, sleeping with that horse (I haven't seen that show, so I can't confirm that's what actually happens).
Geordie Shore is right that Courtney is ungrateful about seeing her husband. I can only assume her husband is solely a business arrangement, which is why she doesn't give a shit. Otherwise, wouldn't she still be on a high from it?
Big Brother, recreate Sophie's goth moment, please.
How can you recreate a Corrie moment with Janice and Les and not bring back Janice's horse fleece? I quite liked seeing Janice back in action. She was good in Corrie. Les: not so much.
Bruce does not look happy that the housemates were eating sushi. He probably doesn't like sushi anyway. He probably doesn't know what sushi is. Ha, they're stitching them up as usual. Ooh, showing Mario and Lauren's horrid comments about Courtney was cruel.
Evict Carol! This is all BS anyway. I wish they WOULD evict Carol. I hate it when they pretend to do something cruel but don't. Actually do it!
Carol should be happy to leave, she's always moaning anyway. Poor Screech, Carol has been mean. Mario has been mean, too!
Carol IS vicious. They shouldn't let her wear sunglasses whilst they're nominating her to go. I want to see her face fall (further). She IS hurt, I don't care what she says. Charlotte, don't cry over Carol. She called you a Geordie slag just three nights ago.
So they've pretending to evict Carol and stuck her in a secret room. I'd be glad to have a night on my own if I was Carol.
Oh, Courtney's reasoning makes sense that she thought the others would evict her for boiler suit gate. If that's true.
Louie moaning about people being 'venomous'. Ha.
That was nice of Lauren to say Carol doesn't hate Sophie, because I believe she does.
Courtney, your nipples are hanging out. Lauren is talking crap here; she said loads of shit about Courtney in the secret room! 'Peer pressure' made Lauren say bad things about Courtney. OK then.
I hope when Carol goes back in, she apologises to Charlotte for calling her a slag, as it was disgusting what she said and it's clear Charlotte cares for her. Carol doesn't care about ANYTHING.
Why isn't anyone getting booed?! Have they turned the crowd down?
OMG Lauren got the most votes! What the fuck. I've had enough of her. Even my curiosity about her wardrobe is pretty much through. My boyfriend put a fiver on Lauren to win, you know. Could the prophecy come true?
Oh God, I gotta wait an hour now? Well, I'm going to eat a bin bag full of crisps (ie. a bag of Sensations lemon chicken). I'm not gonna post this in between. That would just be sick, plus no one would read the last bit.
And we're back. I ate my crisps and several chocolate orange eclairs, aka, filling destroyers. I notice the second part is just labelled 'eviction interview' in the planner; that's useful for people searching for Big Brother. Well done.
Let's get on with this so I can go to bed. And if they think I'm staying up for BOTS, they've got another think coming. I've lost the will to live. 11pm is too late on a school night, and I generally stay up late.
Why is Sophie looking so prim? Looks like she's going to a society wedding.
Ahhh Sophie was evicted. She's one of the old people I actually like in that house. And I can't stand her most of the time, ha.
I see from Twitter that AJ spoilt the result. This is why I don't look on Twitter when a show is on I care about. I squint at my @ replies and that's about it. Social media = entertainment ruined.
Sophie doesn't care about being booed and she's happy to win. She was there for 'the experience'? Pull the other one.
Sophie doesn't agree she's bossy. She IS bossy and a know it all. Why is Emma being so hard on Sophie? So what, she's a know it all. I hope Emma is going to be equally hard on Carol, Louie and Bruce, etc. Yeah, as if. Emma can be a right pissy little bitch sometimes, yet she's universally seen as 'sweet'. Well, I think she's sour.
Oh, God, Carol going back in. I'd rather see Carol in the electric chair. Courtney doesn't look too happy. Oh, seriously, are they going to give Carol powers now? Great, that's all we need.
I'm glad Sophie doesn't have to put up with this. Why do I?! So what if Carol gets to nominate one housemate? Courtney would have been up anyway.
I would rather look in the mirror than look at Carol. I'd rather be Les and look in the mirror naked than look at Carol. I am definitely not touching the live feed with a barge pole with her smug face all over it.
You're right, the live feed is boring, Carol. But not as boring as you gloating, you hamster-faced, dried out shrew. As she's made personal attacks on every single person in that house, I'm sure she won't mind me insulting her appearance.
Well, what a load of balls. Can I go bed now?
PS: If you're a fan of our BBUS podcast, sorry there's not been one for a bit. We haven't even covered Aaryn drinking nail polish (a personal highlight - if only it had been a litre bottle). We'll be catching up at the weekend, anyway. Goodnight!

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Are the prisoners them or us?

I'm having a bit of a funny week at the moment so do bear with me. Mind you, if you're still bearing with this show, you'll bear with anything, so I've got the right audience here.
LOL to Lauren accusing Abz of nominating her when he didn't! Passive aggressive, much? Has she got him confused with Mario? Abz laughing as she walked away. Why DIDN'T he nominate her, more to the point?! Ha, she also accused Louie. God, I'm glad I'm not inside her head.
How come Lauren gets to go into a secret task room again? She was already in the cult! Well, we thought Chris Fountain was going in, and it looks like The Phantom is in there as 'Mr Big' (isn't that some dude from Sex and the City)?
The housemates giving up their food... yawn. Who cares if Screech hid peanut butter? I'd gladly give up Alpen. Ugh, Alpen. Why is Mario moaning about him? Competition? Why are Carol and Mario getting so upset about the peanut butter with the way they go on all the time? It's peanut butter, it's not champagne.
Lauren's mum is more diplomatic than Carol? That wouldn't be hard. Mr Big is my new favourite housemate. I hope he slaughters the lot of them, starting with Bruce, then Carol, then Louis.
Chicken feet for dinner. Sophie's been in the jungle, she must have eaten a testicle or two there! I can't watch people eating normal food, let alone this crap. This episode has BLOWN so far.
Ha, Courtney has to give up her bunny and her clothes to see her husband. Sounds fair enough. I think they've done this to make Courtney shut up about wanting to go home. Bet she still doesn't shut up. Courtney doesn't look that bad in her boiler suit. They make them wear a humilitard on BBUS. She is shallow. Aw, that was kind of sweet when she saw her husband, even though I thought she was a bit frosty towards him. He seemed pleased to see her at least.
I don't remember Saved by the Bell. Am I missing much?
I think I want Abz to win now?! WTF. I did like Mario but he's been quite snippy tonight. Courtney is too shrill. Lauren is too Misery. I don't like floaters but I hate everyone so much, it's really hard to champion the 'characters'. This is the closest I've ever come to just giving up watching.
Janice is right - watching live feed is a torture. Is Carol really spinning the 'there's starving people in the world' line? Dear me. This is one of the worst episodes of CBB I've ever seen, and that's saying something. I'd like to headbutt that 'broken glass' right now.
Courtney to Abz: 'What part of me made you feel like I was superficial?' Where shall we start? She's being really annoying tonight, which is a shame, as I rather liked her before. But she does think the sum of her parts is a pair of boobs. It's sad.
Why on earth isn't Lauren flushing the toilet after her? Gross. This is the most depressing series of CBB ever. It's like watching Banged up Abroad. Except I enjoy Banged Up Abroad.
I'm this close to throwing in the towel.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Les Miserables

Sorry I haven't blogged for a couple of days, I've not been well and I'm still feeling rough so it's probably going to be a bitchy one. But thought I'd better pull my finger out as this will all be over soon (oh well). I've watched a bit of live feed on Daily Motion and all I see is every single celebrity moaning that they want to go home. First thing I'd do if I was the producer would be to ban people from saying that. It's so boring to listen to. A formal warning for every time you ask to leave, three strikes and you're out with no fee paid. Sophie's moaning on the LF recently was particularly annoying. You're earning thousands to be in there. At least Mario, Charlotte and Lauren want to be there.
I liked the party they had last night, there were some quite good props and Courtney cage dancing and drinking out of her shoe were memorable Big Brother moments. Although she's another culprit for moaning about going home, at least she does have some fun. I think she must win an award for the most scantily clad housemate ever.
Good on Charlotte for confronting the grumpy monster that is Les. 'Foul mouthed little cow' - well, she might be, but at least she's not moaning about wanting to leave all the time. Shut up, Janice, defending his behaviour. Who cares how old he his, he's a horrible, angry man and doesn't deserve respect. They're ALL adults, they all deserve equal respect. Well, mostly.
Mario is one of the only people making me laugh in there at the moment; going 'your boyfriend wants to go clubbing without you' to Carol was a great line.
LOL to Charlotte screaming in the DR and everyone can hear it. Janice basically has to tell Les to check himself. God knows what he'd be like if she wasn't in there - no doubt the red mist would be descending.
Nominations! They're frequent aren't they. Charlotte put up Bruce and Abz cos neither of them can stand her, ha.
Carol nommed Sophie and Bruce. I don't believe Carol is scared of Bruce. I don't think she's scared of anyone.
Why is Abz nominating Courtney for always having her arse out? You would have thought that was a bonus. Courtney's arse is less offensive than Carol's face. He also nominated Sophie for being me, me, me. Can't really argue with that.
Bruce nominated Lauren for being messy! I thought she's been cleaning up?! She's not gonna be happy.
Sophie nommed Courtney and Bruce for 'shouting at a woman.' Is shouting at a man OK?
Lauren nominated Louie and Mario! She fancies him and he won't talk to her. Aw.
Janice: 'There's no one I dislike in here.' REALLY? I have never hated a bunch of housemates for. When two you can just about bear are from TOWIE and Geordie Shore, you're in big trouble. I don't mind Screech but he was mithering bad on the LF about wanting to go home. You're getting paid! It's three weeks. Deal with it.
Dustin nominated Louie and Lauren. I'm surprised he didn't do Courtney and Carol for being so drunk and noisy.
Courtney nominated Carol for farting and not using air freshner! And Charlotte for farting, too! It's 'not classy.' Nor's walking round in a thong. Still, I'd rather deal with her arse cheeks than Carol's.
Courtney got married in that bikini?! LOL.
Bruce is bitterly letting Courtney sit next to him 'until Vicky comes back.'
Mario nommed Bruce - no surprise there, you can tell he's come from an abusive family, he's got that look in his eye and Lauren for spilling her drink!
Janice nommed Courtney for having her arse hanging out and Charlotte for standing up to Bruce.
Louie nominated Bruce for being angry and Sophie for having botox and lying about it, ha.
So, Bruce, Sophie, Courtney, Lauren and Louie are up. I really hope Bruce goes, but I bet it will be Sophie.
They showed the nominations, haha. I hate them all going 'yes' when they're up. It's so fake! Bruce's rigid grin when they showed the noms says it all. I don't think him or Lauren are going to take this lying down.
How can Sophie not KNOW she's bossy?! She's SO bossy.
God, they give them SO much booze in that house. They're proper lushes.
Lauren is 'doing a Mikey' in the bedroom, crying over her family photos. Stop actressing, Lauren! You''re not Miss Haversham, despite the wardrobe.
Sophie doesn't mind people who are hypocrites, even though she is one. Why are the housemates weighing themselves and measuring themselves? It's not the Biggest Loser.
Why isn't Carol up for eviction?! She's so vile! I just don't get it. I really hope her boyfriend leaves her. She's absolutely disgusting in every way.
Louie and Sophie are both as odious as each other. There's no one to champion in that house.
I saw this conversation with Vicky and Sophie on the LF and I thought Vicky was quite patient with her. She IS so me, me, me. But I still like Sophie more than Carol, Bruce and Louie.
Mario is quite patient with Sophie, really. She does whine a lot. But I do sympathise about people squealing in the bedroom. It would drive you mad. I'd scream. I can't even watch the live feed because it's just screeching and wailing. The normal housemates this year were so much more civillised, this lot are animals.
The thing with vote to save is it's not as clear cut who will go. If it was vote to evict it would be pretty tight between Sophie and Bruce, but vote to save? It's anyone's! Personally, I want Bruce and his tomato face out. Right, I'm off to bed. Night night!