Monday, 31 December 2012

Top of the Pops New Years Eve

I've written that title just as they have on the TV listing; no need for commas, dashes, or any other punctuation when you have offcuts from the dried old turkey you served us up on Christmas day to try and stuff down our neck again. It's all new stuff? Don't kid a kidder.
Oh yeah, here's Girls Aloud. At least they're doing the one with a tune this time. I mean, it has a tune compared to the other one, not to something actually with a tune.
So, I have to tell you, I'm not going out tonight. My boyfriend is working, my best friend is pregnant, and other offers haven't exactly been flying in (can't think why). So here's what I'm gonna do: get up at 7am when my boyfriend gets in and celebrate New Year then. We'll probably have midnight about midday. So I'll be tucked up before any fireworks go off tonight. I'll tape all the rubbish TV, shut the curtains and just watch it all tomorrow. It could be a LONG day. Or a short, messy one.
Anyway, less about my personal life, here's Ellie Goulding. Was she on the Xmas day show? I don't remember seeing her enormous face there. An undercut does not a popstar make. Oh, she's forgotten to put her trousers on like Arg in the live TOWIE (disclaimer: I do not watch TOWIE, just watched 5 minutes to see what the hoo ha was about). ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! sings Ellie. Except for the BBC being called into account for aiding and abetting a paedophile for a few decades. And a decent song coming on this TOTP. Apart from those two things, anything could happen.
I'm drinking and eating chocolate now, so I guess NYE has begun, even if it's my stunted little gnarled version of it. Just spoke to my best friend on the phone and she's going to bed now because she's got to get up at 4am to go to work, so things could be worse. Her boyfriend is staying in too. We're a useless lot!
LOL, Script dude who looks like Peter Andre is talking in an American accent. This song made me bellow with laughter the first and only time I heard it before this. You can be an astronaut... it's like this prick and are your primary school careers advisor. Go work in a call centre instead. Is Willy going to beam in? Hologram? Or just a sick note? YOU CAN BE A CHAMPION. 'Be truth seekers' is my favourite line. Has William been going on about UFOs again? Don't go to McDonalds with him, he nearly did a Brian Harvey on Cheryl Cole last time. If you like this song, go to the doctors. Your marbles have fallen out.
They are mentioning some singers who died this year. Don't suppose I should make a joke about that. Jubilee; blah, lizard queen, blah. Next. I want to say something funny about Reggie and Fearne but there's nothing to say. They're so bland they make my humour chip dry up.
Oh Christ, it's pop's sourest female talent judge, Tulisa. Who is writing her tweets? She's completely illiterate. Is it OK for her to make death threats etc on there? Good example! That and the bag snatching. Great choice of the new 'nations sweetheart', Simon. This song is equally catchy and annoying like Saturday Night by Whigfield. This isn't her sort of music. Where's the URBAN? Louis Walsh is going to turn on, think that's urban, and get all confused and unnecessary. I went to Ibiza this year and playing in the clubs were Tulisa, Kaiser Chiefs and Sting. And here ends that sentence.
Next up, the Macabees. These do seem to be different bands to who were on the Xmas day show, well except Girls Aloud. Who are the Macabees? Have I even spelt that right? The Macabees, The Vaccines, Ed Sheeran, it's all just music for people who don't like music, not like that good stuff we used to have, like Marion and Mansun and Menswear. Not sure this guy's hair is naturally jet black. His barnet is like Nick Cave meets Steve McDonald. Now there's a collision Street Cars aren't insured for. Maca-blees. Imagine going to their gig? I'd rather go to Tulisa's. NEXT!
Now for Taylor Swift, who's not really there. This song is catchy, catchier than a zombie virus. I put in the same box as that Call Me Maybe bullshit. You'll be singing it later, but you'll want to stab yourself in the eye for it. I can never quite get over her teeth. She looks like Bugs Bunny. I know they've got dentists in America, because they did Brandon's veneers, right? Does anyone REALLY believe she's fucking Harry Styles? That kid's got more beards than a Father Christmas convention. It makes me sick the way magazines sexualise One Direction. THEY ARE CHILDREN. They might be barely legal but it's still fucking sick. The talking bit in this song makes me cringe, too. 'I was like, whatever.' Yeah, whatever, Taylor, stop sleeping around, who do you think you are, Rhianna? Of course, it's alright for Harry Styles, because he's a man, and he's gay anyway, so it's not really happening. Come back Jonas Brothers, all is forgiven. I do like the Breaking Bad parody of this song, though, and it makes me go 'ooh, Heisenberg' whenever I hear it, so it's not all nuclear war and famine.
Who the fuck are Stooshy? Stooshe?! Is that Emile Sande again, smuggling herself back in under false pretences. 'Daddy, I'm falling for a monster, he's scaring me to death, he's big and he's bad, he's the best I've ever had'. Please tell me I just hallucinated those lyrics. Fuck, I'm going to have to pause and go and get a vodka. Is this like a doo wop song about domestic violence? These lyrics are creepier than 'He hit me and it felt like a kiss'. Plus, why would you tell your parents 'he's the best I ever had'? TMI! Need to know basis! One just screeched at the end 'he got a dirty black heart'. There's probably an explicit version of this song. This is fucked in the head. Agog.
Next up, Tiny 'he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house' Tempah and Calvin 'boring' Harris. This is dance music for people too thick to work out how to find where any proper dance music resides online. 'Tonight we're drinking from the bottle!' Yeah, probably other people's. At least Tiny seems to have a sense of humour, what with those clothes and everything. Calvin (worst popstar name ever) just seems to have got lost on his way to accounts. What a knob twiddler. This song is making me SO GLAD I'm not going out tonight. People. Tubes. Music. Urgh. Just pass the valium and let's sleep through the lot of it.
Next up is Arlissa, or Shakira with no trousers on, if you prefer. I don't.
Oh fucking hell, it's Robbie Williams again. Thanks for making the last part of 2012 unbearable, you fat odious fuckface. He also ruined the first few seconds of the new Millennium for me, as the club I was in (Passion!) played a dance version of, you guessed it, Millennium. Motherfuckers. Oh well, his lyrics are always a good laugh. He looks jaundiced. Hopefully he's dying. I know it sounds harsh, but if it was him or Gary hanging off a cliff, you know who you'd save. You know!
What has he got in his hand? Is he conducting? Imagine being in Robbie Williams' backing band. You'd honestly be better off working in an abattoir, wouldn't you? It would be less morally abhorrent.
This song doesn't even have any funny lyrics, it's just blahblahblahblah. Go fish those bodies out of the Bodhi tree, you fucking tortoise.
Ah, finally. I like this Rita Ora song. I never used to admit I liked any pop music, this year I've actually confessed to a few guilty pleasures. My boyfriend likes Diamonds by Rhianna but only the 'shine bright like a diamond' backing bit. Rita's looking a bit more presentable tonight, but still a bit like she's wearing a 6-year-old's quilt cover. Rita. It's not exactly a rock and roll name, is it? Next up, it's Mavis with Deathsticks!
Next up are the Rizzle Kicks. I've got a bad feeling about this. I thought Rizzle Kicks was a person, like Dizzie Rascal. Oh Lord, there's a onesie, and a Burberry scarf. Mama do the hump? Fuck off.
And now James Arthur is back again, reanimated. Have they fixed his teeth yet? No, it's just the same performance they showed on Christmas Day. Oh, so he did finally get to number one. Knocked those poor dead children off the top spot did you, hey, Cowell? I hope you're pleased with yourself. Happy New Year, you bastard.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Top of the Pops Christmas 2012

Well here we are with Exitainment's inaugural Christmas TOTP blog and I hope Fearne and Reggie are going to give a full apology at the start of the show. No not for Jimmy Savile, but for the appalling music coming up.
Oh Christ, I hate it when they tell me what's next, it makes me despair. First up, Robbie Williams. My boyfriend insists this song is Ring of Roses. Oh, he even says it. This is entirely tuneless. This fat cunt can't sing a note. Has he been smoking crack? I'd rather watch Gary Barlow duet with Christopher Maloney again. My boyfriend said Gary co-wrote this as 'industrial sabotage'. The audience looks like a bad hen do, it's like they've made sure everyone's over 40 in case of any misunderstandings. I can safely say that's the worst Robbie Williams song ever released. It makes Rudebox sound like Everyday is like Sunday.
So, Call Me Maybe is rubbish except for the chorus. Did anyone order a female Justin Beiber? Take it back, then. The audience are too old to have heard of this song, but at least no one will get molested, except maybe Carly Rae thingybob.
Conor Maynard is like an uglier Justin Beiber, if that was possible. I don't know who this little prick is, but he's got a very punchable face. He looks like Toby Maguire pre-plastic surgery. This is completely TUNELESS. FUCK OFF. This has gone on about 5 minutes longer than it should have.
My boyfriend is shocked they've not changed the logo or renamed it TOTPv2 or something. They truly are shameless. Fearne: apologise immediately. On your knees. Reggie, keep your hands in your pockets.
Paloma Faith is just a walking car boot sale on legs. Why is she dragging Michael Hutchence's dead body out of the closet for Christmas? Let Peaches and Astile enjoy Christmas in peace. I didn't know Paloma thing even sang, I thought she just made a career out of getting on 'worst dressed' lists. That personality is completely put on, too. I've seen more authentic Ray-Bien sunglasses.
My boyfriend: 'Is Fearne pregnant?' No, she's just gobbled up a passing baby.
Sam and the Womp? Have I missed something? Has Bjork fallen on hard times? Ali G has turned up in his Jim'll fix it tracksuit, that's in poor taste. I have never heard this song before in my life. Hopefully I'll never hear it again. You have to respect a fringe that short, though. Please get that trumpet off my screen. Come back 2 Unlimited, all is forgiven.
Oh fuck, someone's reanimated Florence. She isn't dead? Why does she look like that, then? I'd rather be locked in a room and forced to listen to Enya for three weeks than listen to this bullshit. Where's the machine? Probably keeping an old lady alive over Christmas. Anyone who likes this kind of music will be first against the wall in my new world order. How old is Florence now? 26? In dog years, maybe.
Coldplay are being beamed in from a nuclear bunker. Apple's gone a bit mad with the magic markers. There's an elephant in the room: it ain't the only one! This song is shit. My boyfriend has just hid his head under a blanket.
Next up: Girls Aloud. Watch them not show Sarah Harding's face once cos its too busted. Kimberley is my favourite. This song is boring. The other one they've got out is better. There's a lot of ombré on that stage. 'I'm beautiful cos you love me'. You're dumped. What now? Girl power!
Has Rita Ora sorted out her fashion sense since X Factor? She's going 'huh!' like Jessie J. She's got foil pyjamas on. Also unflattering. Stick her in the oven. I like one of her songs. Not this one, though. Still, now we've got her, can we drown Jessie J?
What is 'rudimental feat John Newman'? What sort of music is this? He looks like some prick off Towie. He sounds like he's got a frog in his throat. Now someone in a Christmas jumper is playing a trumpet. Makes you pine for the lizard Queen's speech. There's a lot of people on that stage. All arseholes.
Reggie Yates: 'the power of love... ask your mum.' Patronising prick. You don't know when I was born! This is another song off a fucking advert. Why is there a guitar/bass-player there? The power of sludge. Fuck you po-faced snowmen and insipid girl. This is making me sleepy. My boyfriend's verdict: 'this makes me want to go in John Lewis and smash some shit up'.
Payphone! I think Payphone is my song of the year. I'm not even joking. Script dude and, not so much.
Has James Arthur had his teeth fixed? Nah, not yet. At least he's growing his hair out a bit now. I like this song! I think it's quite catchy.
I did enjoy The Killers Runaways song this year, too. I like Brandon when the vein in his neck is throbbing like he's just had words with Richard Dawkins. No sign of him here, though.
Argh, what is it with this Emily Sande agenda? Who are her fans? What sort of music is this? I feel oppressed by its averageness.
So James Arthur didnt even get Christmas number one? Haven't the people of Hillsborough suffered enough? Bland Aid. Ugh, what was the criteria for getting people to sing this song, Northern and a prick? And then pops up Fab Macca. Enough said. I'm pleased about the justice. No need to inflict this on us, too, though.
My mum's boyfriend has got some morphine patches. I think it might be time to slap on 17 of them. Merry Christmas.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

X Factor: The final - James Arthur wins

So here we are, friends. We've made it. The dragon has been slayed. Now both boys are really winners. We just have to see what awful single they're gonna inflict on them.
Nice to see Dame Gary Barlow has had a haircut and a shave tonight. Perhaps he'll crack a smile, too.
I don't wish it could be Christmas every day, imagine the hangover and the indigestion. This Christmas medley is going on about five minutes too long. Where's Christopher Maloney? Probably in rehab.
I don't think James Arthur's haircut is helping his new chubby face. Jahmene Jugless? I don't think they should do songs again we've already heard. Why can't James sing his own song?
Jahmene is doing Angels, so I'm quite concerned that the fat frog-faced fuckwit is going to come out and start shouting over it. Ah, he didn't. Phew.
I can't believe James Arthur is doing 'Let's get it on' again. He should have done the one with the wub wubs. This was his worst performance, in my opinion. It it involved none of his shouting or emotion, it's just sleazy and gross. Rubbish.
That was nice of Louis to say Nicole was the best mentor ever on the X Factor. Tulisa did a delayed clap. Gary said nothing. He's right though, she seemed to go that extra mile to take care of them and support them.
I'm glad they're acknowledging Cher Lloyd, they never mention her, and she's bigger in America than Cheryl now, and that makes me laugh heartily. I like her cheeky little ways.
One Direction make me feel physically sick, except the one I deem acceptable to fancy. Harry Styles is nothing but a dirty little slag, and adult magazines drooling over them are creepy. Every single one of their 'songs' sounds EXACTLY THE SAME.
I just did some investigative research on the Chris Maloney no-show and turns out he stormed off because he was only given one line in the medley. Imagine if this cunt had won it? What a bastard. I hope he disappears back down the drain, and fast.
Emily Sande is the dreariest person ever. Dull as fuck.
So Jahmene's winning single is going to be Let it be? FFS. Is it a different song for James Arthur? I really hope so. Let's hope Fab Macca doesn't come out. I can play Let it be in the keyboard. I can also play Oh, when the saints. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus than this bullshit. Why is Louis supporting Jahmene so hard? What about James?
I miss James Arthur's glasses! His song is better than Jahmene's. I recognise it but I don't know what it is. Was nice what Tulisa said to James. I love James's deadpan replies to everything. He's just so understated. I like people who don't play the game and are just surly on TV.
My boyfriend is so bored he's fallen asleep and I can't really blame him. I just set up a direct debit to Refuge, ironically when Rhianna was singing her dull song, quite flat. Oh now she's 'reimagining' We Found Love in a Hopeless Place. Oh, at least it kicked in at the end. Uh oh, she's making the crowd go 'ooh ooh'. I thought that went out of fashion in about 1989. I'm getting quite bored now.
Dermot: 'The results is in.' Is they? About time. And the winner is... 'Ja.......'
JAMES! Was so nice when him and Jahmene hugged for so long. There's genuine love between them. James was literally speechless.
Nicole looks kind of sad, I think she's sad for Jahmene. Anyway, I hope they don't fuck up James's career. I hope he gets to do his own songs. And he's got to give the proceeds of the song to charity? How's he going to get out of his bedsit at that rate? Jibbed!
That was nice when they all ran on and James was just cuddling Jahmene and didn't even notice Nicole run up. Loved Rylan hugging Nicole at the end.
A feel good ending, and one we could have had in about 30 minutes. Thanks for sending my boyfriend into a coma, Simon. Now I need to stun him awake somehow for Peep Show.
Congratulations, James. A worthy winner. Enjoy. 

Saturday, 8 December 2012

X Factor: The final

Manchester, so much to answer for. Well, that was a jolly little intro to the show. I watched a bit of  programme about N Dubz last night (entirely by accident, of course) and all their songs were about nicking people's handbags! That's not right, is it?
Eh heh - Rylan has arrived! That's how to get the party started. Union J are on scooters. Spraggan! I'm surprised they've let her back in. Urgh, the Afghan. I'd forgotten about her. If only Ella (or Union J) were in the final rather than Mr 'Thanks for your support, it's been amazing' zzzz.
Jahmene looks like a little midget next to James and Chris. I never realised he was a little hobbit. I don't think Chris can open his mouth without 'thank you for support' coming out. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian and her 'emotional/ phenomenal' double bill of inanity.
My boyfriend just demanded I that I don't vote for James Arthur as I'll ruin his career. But I can't sit back and let Chris win. Not on my watch.
Nicole looks nice in red. Not sure Tulisa's dress fits her. Gary needs a shave. She described Jahmene as a 'man child'. This is the best publicity Asda has ever had. Let's hope Jahmene doesn't end up with an 'Oops' sticker on him. Nicole has obviously never eaten Asda meat or she wouldn't be so excited.
Ugh, now he tells us he's religious. How depressing. Nicole: 'Pray and vote for Jahmene.' But mostly 'vote'.
Jahmene has rented out Big Ben for the night. It's a big old venue, isn't it? He looks like he's got one of Hugh Heffner's jackets on. Falsetto times. I think that song quite suited him, actually.
I'll be interested to see what single they've picked to suit these three. A gospel, wub-wub cruise-ship combo. More likely it will be something completely unsuitable like Cannonball for Little Mix last year.
'THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT. ME NAN. EXCITED.' Argh! Shutupshutupshutupshutup. Nice cake. Maloney cupcakes. Creepy. Bloody Liverpool, first The Beatles, now this.
'He's as good as Nat King Cole.' That's a bit of a strange comparison. Gary, don't pretend you're ever going back to Christopher's nan's house again to eat her Iceland cream cakes. 'No one's stopping you.' Chris: 'except James and Jahmene.' Ha.
Chris is in the ghetto (blaster). What's this dated old trot he's singing? I feel like I'm at a musical and I hate musicals. Why is Nicole smiling? This man is standing in the way of her boys. Yay, Harry Hill ending. Christopher is a fan of the Harry Hill ending, and the rubbish songs he sings lend themselves to them. Louis: 'you're not going back to Liverpool.' Does he know something we don't? No one actually commented on his performance, it was all just sympathetic flim-flam.
Where's Olly Murs? I read this week that in a One Direction magazine they described Caroline as 'grandma Caroline' and said she 'looked like a goat'. Harsh! I think she's brilliant and pretty. She has come dressed as a Victorian nanny tonight.
'Christopher's another Tom Jones.' Oh God, one was enough. He's definitely using the same shade of fake tan.
I like Kevin Bacon talking about Jedward and Hollyoaks. I think that's the only advert I've liked all year.
Are they going to let James sing one of his own songs... nooooo, of course they're not. James channelling Dorothy: 'there's no place like home.' James Arthur has a nan, too. Nicole's horror at a bedsit. Yes, that's how people live, Nicole, you patronising cow. Welcome to Britain. I've lived in a bedsit smaller than that. Is Nicole his backing dancer now?
James is walking on stage like he needs the loo. He's doing Nina Simone, the Muse version. He's got pyramids behind him, so the Illuminati are on side, at least. He's got his jacket on, but it does look cold in there. He does look a bit Phil Mitchell in it, though. I watched his first audition last week and he looked like he'd put on about three stone. I still fancy him, though.
Don't worry, Tulisa, they'll know James is British from the teeth. And they will run away, crying. But we'll have him back. We embrace the bad tooth. Not nice of Nicole to call him 'mahoosive.', lol.
What's this song Kelly Clarkson is singing? Doesn't she have a couple of catchy ones? Why do they always do their dreary new single? Is this country music? It's awful. I don't think they've showed her face once. Has she got a massive spot or something? It's like Brandon Flowers behind those blinds all over again.
Do you think Nicole will ever speak to Jahmene again after this? Or will it be like the Pussycat Dolls all over again, and she'll change her number?
Oh Christ, Jahmene's singing Whitney. Has Nicole's mic broken? She's professional, isn't she? She's fixing that situation seamlessly! She coached him through that well. She doesn't sound bad, actually. I thought it improved it, if anything. It was added drama.
She looks MAD now. Someone's head is going to roll! That's the real Nicole right there! Jahmene handled that situation well, too. The term 'mic runner' is never going to be truer than in this moment. It'll be like someone who's done a failed lie detector test exiting the Jeremy Kyle studios.
Aw, Chris giving Gary the frame for his OBE was cute. My boyfriend just said, 'One day Chris Maloney could be OBE.' Hmm.
Gary and Chris are singing Rule the World. Ella sang this one better! My boyfriend says Chris is singing better than Gary. I despise them both equally. Chris looks so happy, bless him, in his Butlins jacket. How is Gary playing piano with one hand?
OMG Gary's as short as Dermot, and I've seen Dermot in Waitrose on Holloway Road, and he was short.
Ugh, what is this dreary song James and Nicole are singing? Awful song choice. They look like they're sat on the loo. I preferred 'Rule the world'. Nicole still looks miffed, and is giving James a weird look. Is she short-circuiting?
I like Rita Ora, she looks cool (usually) and I like that VIP song. What's up with her legs? Has she got clown pants on? Probably the most unflattering trousers I've ever seen. MEDLEY. I reckon she's going to rip those trousers off. She's got a Virgin Mary tattoo, cool. This second song is rubbish. Her hair is a bit Hilary Clinton tonight, but I still find her interesting. She looks like she needs to put a bra on, too. I think her stylist hates her. No trouser rip off, either.
Is Kylie going to do her reimagined version of Locomotion? I certainly hope not. She looks good, I think that dress is giving her fake curves. I like her hair colour and her eyebrow doesn't look like it's stapled halfway up her forehead either. I wouldn't mind looking like that in my mid forties. LOL Dermot is barely taller than Kylie, the smallest person in pop.
Ooh I was really worried when Jahmene went through that it was the end of James. But they did it. Yay! Happy times. Chris was a good sport, too. It was nice seeing Nicole hugging Dermot. Her boys made it!
LOL to the cameraman hitting the deck there! There's been a few rewind moments tonight.
Jahmene is carrying James! He must have the strength of ten men. Must be lugging all those tins in Asda.
That was good! It didn't drag too much either and I watched it with the adverts. James FTW! Maloney has been defeated. We can all sleep at night again. See you tomorrow.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

X Factor: the results

I wish I could be as happy and in love as Tulisa; her miserable face is such a good advert for going out with some footballing philanderer. I certainly hope they live happily ever after so Tulisa's unbridled joy can continue to shine out of her like she's R-Pattz hanging around in a badly CGI-ed forest.
Just when you think things can't get shitter, out comes Rod Stewart with some Merry Christmas/ Happy New Year bullshit, and a lyric about getting 'a Kanye West CD' unless I misheard.
Tulisa's clips package shows she looks better blonde; except for for when she went straw yellow and forgot to put a toner on. Isn't Tulisa aways having a go at Union J for standing on boxes? She's so cold and unfriendly and the shit she writes in Twitter shows she's a complete imbecile, too. I don't think Simon Cowell should put us with her calling people out and starting fights, it's not appropriate for a judge who's essentially on a children's show. I just can't even stand to look at her anymore.
Her song is insipid. I hope the others give her some critique at the end and tell her it's a bag of shit. I will give her something, she CAN sing, but she sounds croaky. At least she cracked a smile at the end, she's actually giving Gary Barlow a run for her money in the sourpuss Olympics for the past two weeks. But what happened to her 'urban roots'? This crap just sound like sub-standard Taylor Swift. Dappy must be agog. 
Some good product placement in the adverts then; an advert for Tulisa's album, and then an advert with 'The power of love' on it. No wonder Frankie was ringing up James to give him his best wishes, he probably raked in a few grand over that.
Why is Simon Cowell always pushing these good causes on us in the middle of an entertainment show? He does exactly the same thing on X Factor US and it's excruciating.
Dermot, the word is DETERIORATE not DETERIATE. Sort yourself out. This is getting on my nerves. If I want to help a charity, I will, one of my choosing. I work for a charity. Simon could fund 50 charities with his millions. I just want to find out if James Arthur is going through or not. Get off my back with the emotional blackmail, already.
I like Pink, not her music, but her attitude. And she does have a few toe-tappers, you must admit.
This song's a bit dirgy, I preferred the one she did on Alan Carr recently. Is she pregnant? Looks like she's trying to cover something up in that dress. Her voice doesn't sound so good tonight. That guitar part was unnaceptable.
It's crunch time! We're down to the wire, etc. I'm sure it will be Union J who go, as much as I want it to be the Halloween pumpkin.
James and Christopher through. It's gotta be Union J to go. It is. Aw, that was so cute the way James and Jahmene hugged. I'm sad to see Union J go, especially with Christopher still there, ugh. I thought they went out very classy. I like the fact they're singing 'you'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.' Say no to pronoun changing. One Direction never won it, anyway, and Union J are better than One Direction. They should have sung this song last night, it's better than both the songs they sang.
It seems so unfair they're gone and Christopher 'I'm so grateful for the support' 'I love me nan' is still there. He's worse than Khloe Kardashian on X Factor US for just repeating the same meaningless .
Who on earth is going to want to do a duet with him next week? Probably Gary Barlow will have to step in and do it. Bad luck, GBa. Still, at least James got through. And we only have to watch it for one more week.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

X Factor: Semi final

Someone ticked 'blah' for my last blog so I'd better up my game. BLAH was it! Blah? Well thanks for your thoughts, Christopher Maloney/ Christopher Maloney's nan. Thanks very much indeed. Dermot didn't even do his dance tonight!
Gary Barlow keeps introducing Christopher like he's a nuclear war. In other news, Christopher claims to be 34 and straight. Don't get me wrong, he did sing that song well, but it's just such a cheesy song. He was shaking like a leaf. So are the judges all being told to be nice to him in a change of strategy this week to stop him getting sympathy votes? Tulisa begrudgingly said he was good, like she was announcing a cancer diagnosis. Louis trying to shift some Westlife units. Give it up, FFS. That dog is dead. He's right though, Christopher would be good on stage... then I never have to see him again. The only judge I like is Nicole, and a year ago I never thought I'd say that. Tulisa is now so dour she's making James Arthur look charasmatic. 
How long before I miss Rylan? I miss him every second! I notice that pug-faced prick Kirk Norcross was slagging Rylan off this week. 'Karma' for Kirk would be being devoured by a pack of sexist dogs. Rylan has more charm, humour and heart in his eyebrow than Kirk has in his entire ancestry. 
Aw, sad about Jahmene's brother who killed himself because of his mum's abusive relationship. Those must have been some seriously hairy times. Come on Jahmene, start crying. He sounded a bit flat, but I think it's because he's emotional. I do feel very, very sad for what happened to him; and sad for every woman and child being terrorised at a man's hands right now. If you can support domestic violence charities, please do, because the Tories are taking away women's refuges with all the heartlessness of the empathy-chip missing lizard bastards they are. Was sweet when Nicole and Gary were crying and very genuine. Aw, that was heartbreaking when he said, 'I feel like I let go of something.' No child should ever have to go through that. And any woman who is staying with a man right now 'for the sake of the kids' - look at what it does. Just look.
Union J haven't even got a sob story. I don't know what this song is. I found that one of their most boring performances so far. They are very vulnerable this week, what with the Maloney juggernaught, Jahmene's genuine sob story, and James Arthur and his magical teeth. It could be a all boys final.
Why is James Arthur sneering backstage? Perhaps he's just had his new dentures put in. James loving his siblings isn't a very good sob story.
James is doing U2. I hope it's a medley and he's gonna bust out a bit of Lemon in the middle. I don't like what he's wearing either. I'm not sure what he's doing with this, it's like a gospel version but it sounds all over the place. 
Louis's comment: 'this time next year you're going to have three or four albums out.' They're not going to be very well-written, are they? Nicole is trying to steal Christopher's northern vote. Good tactics.
Nicole's first audition looked dreadful! I don't think Jahmene should do the song he sang at the first audition - it's cheating! I wish they'd let James Arthur sing his own song. Nicole's comments... 'dot dot dot... get out of here.' WTF? Can we get subtitles when she's on? I can't help liking her though; argh!
Christopher is doing a song from this millennium! Clocks everywhere... is it Chico time? (we wish) Clocked off. I wouldn't call Michael Buble 'modern'. He's not singing this very well, I think it only works when he's belting things out. My boyfriend thinks this is part of Gary's strategy to get sympathy again. He should have done Moves Like Jagger or Bruno Mars or some of that old trot that thickos like.
Westlife again! Fuck me. The last person I saw from Westlife was on This Morning and called Simon Cowell a 'music mongrel.' Fuck Westlife. Then I read another one of them saying Breaking Bad and Homeland 'weren't really girls programmes.' Go fuck yourself, twat. Also I know for a fact Westlife are dicks because they came into a place my friend worked and were drunk and abusive.
That song was too cheesy for Union J. Why didn't they do a Take That song, or some other modern song? That performance WAS too safe.
Nicole to Louis: 'you are a bomb diggity mentor.' Why is Dermot saying 'we all miss our families'. Where are his - have they been kidnapped?
James is doing The Power of Love. It needed to to kick off in the middle and it did. I think he should have done a rap in it, or brought out the wub wubs, because now he's in trub trubs. It was good, I just think it was a bit random. Gary said it was the performance of the series. I have liked at least six or seven of the others he's done better than that. But I want him to win so much. Vote for James! Let's make those gnashers big in America and give them a fright!