Monday, 30 January 2012

Documentary: Britain's gay footballers

Britain's gay footballers? That's a misleading title, because there aren't any. Well, there was one, once. He killed himself.
BBC3! OK, it's not renowned for it's hard-hitting documentaries, but it's interesting subject matter, so let's give it a whirl. Football, football, football. The beautiful game. With a dead gay footballer as their spokesperson for equality. As a side note, I wonder how many women get beaten up every Saturday when their partner's team doesn't win? I bet it's more than 100. I bet it's more than 1,000.
So yeah. 5,000 professional footballers, and not one of them gay. Don't make me laugh. John Fashanu's daughter Amal is making this documentary. Her uncle was Justin Fashanu who killed himself. Black - and gay - and a footballer. He was a brave man.
'How comes in a team of 25 there's no gay people?' There are a couple of things wrong with that sentence, Amal. I HATE John Fashanu. He always comes across pretty camp, I think. He's wearing a pink shirt, too, so quite bold.
Let's not beat around the bush here: football is ugly. Football is sexist, racist, homophobic, violent, cruel and money-grabbing. Football and footballers are allowed to get away with murder. Take for example tube stations closed on match days, or trains full of men chanting, singing and swearing. Now imagine those same tube stations being shut down for a feminist conference, or a big women-only party each week. Imagine women shouting and swearing on the tube like that, intimidating people. Girls will be girls? NO. Men are allowed to get away with murder in the name of football, which lets not forget, is just kicking a ball around (Charlie Brooker and Adam and Joe have both dismissed football more eloquently than I ever could).
I thought it was interesting that Fashanu said even the straight players won't speak out about homophobia in football. Because if there are no gay people to demonise, let's demonise the next best thing; people supporting gay people.
Homophobic chanting on the terraces is not 'just banter', it's fucking bullying. They 'wouldn't go home and do it'? So those same men don't go home and shout homophobic abuse at the TV, or worse, at any poor gay couple who happen to be passing them? Racist, homophobic and sexist views aren't contained to a terrace. Those views lurk deep within hearts - the terrace is just the platform for them.
Imagine a gay male couple, holding hands on that train carriage filled with football-loving numpties? It would all be cool, presumably? Yeah, I'm sure. I've read Irvine Welsh! It's quite funny really, that men are allowed to behave like that, like a pack of thick, intimidating animals, yet men in love with men are still not about to walk down the street holding hands without fear of abuse? Weird country we live in.
I didn't think Matt Lucas's comments were particularly helpful; let's not forget he's talking to the mentally deficient here, we're talking little better than apes. He's enabling abuse, basically. Mind you, he's hardly an advocate for gay rights; just look at Little Britain.
Amal isn't exactly getting to the crux of the matter. But to be honest, I'm just glad the subject is being discussed and not swept under the carpet as it normally is. It's brave to even discuss this, especially on BBC3.
Who is this dude that she's talking to that says 'poof' is acceptable? Why isn't she challenging him more? What a dismissive man. What a stupid dinosaur.
Wow, the documentary she watched where John Fashnu said: 'he has to suffer the consequences' about his brother. That's really shocking. I'm surprised he can show his face on this show.
That suicide note was really heartbreaking. What a horrible injustice. It is a hard world: and it shouldn't be that way, especially not in 2012. Fucking speak up! If you're a football fan, or a footballer, and you care about equal rights, speak the fuck up. If you're not a scumbag, speak the fuck up. Because as far as I'm concerned, football creates a culture of us vs them, men vs women, rich vs poor, it's just divisive and hateful, I actually believe it's hateful. I couldn't go out with a man who liked football, because by supporting football you're saying it's OK to sideline women, it's OK to force gay people back into the closet, and it's OK to call black people monkeys. Because that is the only shit I ever hear about football. And as a football fan, you're supporting it. I feel that strongly. The only other thing I ever see about football (apart from the complete disrespect of women: from the WAGS to the spitroasts) are those men chanting on the tube, when I'm trying to take a scared cat to the vet, or just go about my business, and I just think, this is the patriarchy. This is it live and in technicolour. So fuck football.
That basketball player she spoke to was spot on: football can change, but do they want to change? Football fans and players could make the change happen and earn a bit of respect, but they can't be bothered because they're too fucking thick, or selfish.
John Fashnu IS homophobic, and is potentially a closet case, and that's probably the reason he was so jealous of his brother, because his brother was brave and he isn't. He's so unrepentant, too! Your brother took his own fucking life! Can't you back down all these years later? How dare Justin come out and 'told the world he was gay at a time when the world was so hostile?' Wow, you're a real fucking trailblazer, John. Not exactly Rosa Parks on the back of that bus are you, you absolute cunt? Your brother killed himself: isn't that enough? Didn't you win that round? I'm agog.
The Swedish openly gay footballer she went to meet was cute. He seemed way too intelligent to be a footballer. He was like the gay David Beckham after some clever pills.
Oh well done, a professional footballer finally spoke to her. Excuse me if I don't burst with excitement. He said, 'In the next 10 years we will have an openly gay footballer.' TEN YEARS. Fucking hell man, I thought in 2022 we'd have fucking hoverboards, not a bit of basic tolerance in the workplace. Egads!
The very deliberately black female equalities manager for the FA said things were changing. I'll believe it when I see it. Football does lag behind society. So excuse me if I don't 'know the score' or care 'who's playing.' And don't even get me started on women's football, our token little 'you go play over there, ladies, where no one's watching' sweetener.
I've said it once, and I'll say it again, fuck football. Now over to you to prove me wrong.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

The Jeremy Kyle Show USA

I've been trying to watch this for ages! We thought it might be a myth. But no, here he is, and they're showing this at 4am. Primetimez.
First things first, they've jazzed up the them tune like when they do the Eastenders theme tune on BBC three spin-off shows and put a bit of a drum machine behind it. You know, like when Blue Peter tried to go a bit cool.
Second things second, Jezza's got a wig on. His hair is exactly twice as thick as it normally is. Either he just stepped out of a salon, or he just stepped out of the clinic. How can he keep a straight face? Well, for starters, I think he's also had some fillers, as his skin looks suspiciously plump.
I'm placing my bets now that he goes 'where I come from...' Bonus points if he says 'sidewalk or cellphone'.
They've made the set look on a par with the UK version for cheapiness. What channel did this go out on in the US? It looks rather cheap and nasty. If any Americans are reading, can you let us know the channel and the viewing figures as unless we hear different we're going to assume it only went out on the elevator news network.
Are these the best guests he could get? Where's the lie detector? Where's the Genius?
There's some dude on called 'Millage'. Jeremy Kyle just said something about someone's 'bird'. Is he bringing a new breed of sexism to America? This storyline is whack. I hate the long lost kids ones. Bring on the violent boyfriends and jobless junkies with tattooed faces. I'm sure they have some in the US.
Jeremy Kyle just said 'called the cops'. COPS! Come and try and steal my crops etc.
The second story is a mother/daughter row. Zzzz. LIE DETECTOR! Fights! The Genius. How are the Americans going to get better without Graham's kind-hearted warmth, empathy and expertise?
Ah, this woman is a racist. Jeremy Kyle is talking about 'disrespect'. I can't take him seriously with those luscious locks. I'm not sure if he has had botox or if it's just the Home and Away style lighting. His suits look as cheap as ever. They're straight outta Burton.
The backstage area looks like an abortion clinic, all shiny brown sofas and McDonalds style art.
The daughter waiting for an abor- sorry, waiting to go onstage - is called Berkeley. Isn't that a brand of fags? Classy. It's not good when the shortened version of your name is 'Berk' is it?
This show needs a shake-up. They should be casting their guests from more of the Maury end of the spectrum, ie. who's the father out of seven men, my 99-year-old toddler, or my teenager is sleeping with half the neighbourhood (or neighborhood, if you will.)
Jeremy Kyle just said 'pin back these' instead of 'pin back your lugholes.' Guess they don't have lugholes in America.
This racist woman just called Jeremy Kyle 'condescending and belittling'. No, he just sounds that way because he's English. Well, ish.
Oh, it's over.
PS, America: Can you keep him? We'll take Montel as a replacement. I miss his salmony, mustachioed misogynistic charms.

Friday, 27 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Picture the scene. 2018. Denise's liver packs up. It's your fault.

Ok I basically just snuck out of the seminar I was in 15 mins early so I'm in time for the first eviction! I'm going to get the fucking sack! But all I was thinking about was Big Brother, anyway. Fucking hell, man. My career is going down the toilet. And for what?
A lot of things are wrong with this situation. I can't turn the telly up loud enough in this hotel room. The telly is really tiny. The contrast is buggered. I can't move my netbook because there's no wireless connection and the cable is too short. Oh, and twins just got evicted. I'm going to get the sack and it's just to see my winners evicted NOW. Not happy.
This is because I didn't vote today, isn't it? I was the only one keeping them alive! This is total turkey monkey. I'm all on edge and sad. WHY! Whhhhhhhhhhyyyyy?
Jesus, look at three of your final four! Denise, Frankie, Gareth... are you proud of yourselves? I hate it when Big Brother doesn't go my way. Generally, it goes my way. My hopes went up big time when Kirk and Natalie were shown the door, which is why I think this hurts so much.
Has Brian got loads of make up on or is the contrast on my TV completely fugged? Someone please shoot the morons shouting 'off'. It's making me REALLY angry. I am ashamed of my country.
I'm surprised the twins are cool with them showing pantsgate. I hate the way they're being interviewed. I love the fact they're not backing down. This is depressing viewing because of the crowd. Brian needs a cattle prod. I like the fact the twins said they became closer. They don't need anyone else. When you share the same womb, and the same bed with Hef, some idiots in tracksuits calling you slag don't really matter. You're determined!
Please, please, public pile your money on Michael. I don't think I can watch this otherwise. Oh God. I feel like crying. Is this normal? I like that split screen but this result is whack. Michael is OUT!
I can't stand Denise, Frankie or Gareth. There's never EVER been a final three I hated. Never.
I'm really glad I didn't leave my seminar just now (ie when I was supposed to) and come out to Michael and the twins being gone or I would probably have slit my wrists in the bath.
Honestly, I have had such a stressful day. Am I out of touch? I'm out of touch, aren't I? I'm GLADLY out of touch, though.
I've never felt so depressed about a final ever. This is so rubbish. I've got an en-suite bath. I'm going to have a bath during Gareth's non-interview. I honestly don't care who wins. Denise wins: vindication for being an alcoholic mess. Frankie wins: vindication for being a sexist div. Gareth wins: a victory for fencesitting. Seriously, how to choose between them? OK, I'm going to. FRANKIE TO WIN. There. I'd rather a sexist idiot won it than a drunken old mess or a boring nothingy non-celebrity.
Michael's interview was criminally short. He's a funny man, a real character, the closest thing to a celebrity we had in there, and they chose DENISE over him.
I have a 12 hour day tomorrow. I've not had a drink. There's nothing for me to eat here, like not one thing. The LEAST you could have done is thrown me a BB crumb.
I'm THRILLED Gareth is out next. At least a 'controversial' character will win now, rather than someone's ugly dad.
I bet ratings dropped dramatically after Michael's interview. My only friends on Facebook still watching it turned over.
Well done, Gareth. The most interesting thing you did in the house was dress up as a bit of sushi. Aw, he loves his mum. They could use Gareth's 'best bits' as an insomnia cure.
Normally at this point in a BB final my hearts pounding and I'm getting to jump around the room. As it is, I'm planning what I'm going to have for breakfast tomorrow.
Digital Spy's BB forum has also been down pretty much all night! So I don't even have anyone to complain to!
I'm probably less pleased about the prospect of Denise winning than I was about Ulrika winning. At least Ulrika didn't sexually assault or persistently harrass someone.
Does Denise get a trowel instead of a sponge with her foundation? She looks like she's come as a ventriloquist's dummy. I don't think Frankie should be allowed to wear sunglasses on eviction night.
I feel nothing about Denise winning. Nothing! I don't feel sad, angry, happy, any emotion I want to feel about my Big Brother winner.
I can't hear Frankie, is his mic fucked? Along with Digital Spy, and the general public's collective brain? Oh well, nevermind, I doubt if he has anything of interest to say. I've seen it all before anyway: birds, shagging, Danny Dyer. That's the lump sum of his personality.
And so people I actually like on Twitter are going 'yesssssss' about Denise winning, and I'm thinking, why? She's 50 odd, acts like she's 17, gets her boobs out, oversteps personal boundaries, hounds people trying to have five minutes on their own, gets annoyed when people aren't endlessly fascinated with her showbiz tales, and then cries for sympathy. Wow, what a winner. I'm really proud right now.
My friend JOTV just said 'Denise is a laugh' but in my opinion Denise is a laugh like David Brent is a laugh, she's someone to be laughed AT, not with. I find her quite tragic. I thought she'd come out of the house and take a good hard look at her behaviour. Instead, she's been REWARDED for being an old soak. It's topsy-turvy! Normally at the end of a series, you get some sort of vindication or sense of satisfaction. This just feels like a punch in the face.
Yeah go have a drink, Denise. And when Denise dies of liver cancer in five years time, let's just remember those laughs. You could have stopped that. You could have put her in rehab. You could have saved her!
I think the thing that offends me most about Denise is really, she's just someone's mum, which is fine, but surely our reality TV winners should be something more than that. She's just like someone you work with who gets on your nerves a bit. What has she done to win? Really? She's just everything I don't like in a person; lewd, contrived, desperate for people to like her. It's just the exact opposite of what I want in a winner.
Maybe I just outgrew Big Brother? I read Just 17 for about five years longer than I should have. I read NME for about five years longer than I should have. Maybe it's time to pack those childish things away and start watching Strictly.
Ha! No, it's just time for the British public to go read a book or go on a course and stop worshipping MORONS.
Night, and thanks for reading. Love you really.

Thursday, 26 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: I bet they don't have peas in America

Rather a sad end to Big Brother for me as I'm watching this episode alone and I'm going on a three day conference starting tomorrow, so I don't know if I'm even going to SEE Big Brother, let alone get to blog it. It's really bad timing. I'm taking my netbook with me, so I'll do my best to hook it up somehow, and watch it, even if it's the dead of night. But if there's no Belkin I'm screwed. And if I don't see it, it's HARD trying to avoid the result all weekend, even when you're stranded in a conference centre in the West Midlands. I remember trying to avoid finding out Pete had won that year, and having to close my eyes all the way home on the tube from Reading Festival. Should have just stayed home and watched BB. Plus, if I don't see it on Friday in the early hours, by the time I write my blog on Sunday, no one will give a damn! I've got to wrap it up though. It's my duty. I'll do my best, OK? Wish me luck.
Anyway, let's get onto Denise's persecution complex. Nah, even I can't be bothered.
Is Frankie deliberately not getting the joke about 'doing lines'? Poor lamb. Does everyone love Frankie now? I don't. I still think he's a sexist little turd. But he's 18. Even I was an idiot at 18. Even you were! I don't think my hair was quite that bad, though.
All Nicola's dresses look the same. But every single one she tried on was nicer than the one she did choose! I don't mind Nicola, though. I like her just cos everyone else hates her.
I love this game they're playing, it's like Outburst. We always play that round my friend Adam's house but he's played it about 7 billion times and knows all the answers. The housemates seem to be spectacularly bad at this task. See, this is why Adam needs to go in the Big Brother house instead. Michael: 'Imagine! A night without trout.' He's always got the one-liners. Nicola's mad with Frankie. Whoops, I forgot to care, each side is so morally corrupt.
Frankie and Michael comparing the twins' looks in the hot tub. Chivalrous!
Denise is feeling old! Yeah, have a calculated cry in the Diary Room, that might get a few votes. Hey, why not get your boobs out, that might cheer no one up?
I like Romeo saying 'it was all on top' because my boyfriend says that. He also says, 'under the cosh', which I enjoy.
Michael was a little mean when he was saying he'd rather have sex with Gareth than Denise. Fair comment, though. Personally, I'd rather have sex with Michael than either of them.
The myth of Denise's 'own talkshow' in the UK continues! Please show them an episode of Loose Women and burst that bubble! I bet Michael will Youtube it in the hotel tomorrow night. He's going to get a surprise.
Michael and the twins are obsessed with winning, but that's just the way Americans are made, you can't resent them for it.
Interesting to see the twins scared when Nicola got booed. If they showed their vulnerability, it might do them a favour, although I prefer them emotionless. I liked them reassuring themselves that 'Frankie got booed, too'.
I thought it was interesting on BOTS when Romeo said he wanted people to see him how he really is, not how he was in So Solid Crew, and I think he achieved that. Who could have a bad word to say about him? Except that guy he stabbed, obv. Luckily, if you're a man and you stab someone (allegedly) or rape them (Tyson) or punch them (Brown, Gazza, et al) you get a second chance (let's laugh at that hilarious rapist in The Hangover 2!). If you're a woman, you barely get a first chance. If you're a good looking woman, a woman with a brain, a woman with an opinion, a woman who's funny, a woman who has sex (!) or a woman who likes a bit of an argument... God help you, we will stamp on you and we will boo our little lungs out to put you back in your place! But hey, that's the patriarchy. We're used to it.
LOL to Michael and the twins saying they don't care about winning! Hilarious. Denise's 'die hard fans'... who ARE they?! Who has actually clicked on her face and voted for her? I doubt if even Carol McGiffin has stopped shagging her toyboy for two seconds to bother (and why would she?!)
Denise stunned by the twins confidence/ arrogance. Gareth: 'I'm upset the twins want to win.' I thought you were a SPORTSMAN? Oooh, Denise and Gareth really want to win, too, don't they? Interesting. They've got the knives out, they're just less obvious, an unfortunately, it fools people.
Michael's roots are showing! Time for a touch up. I feel like Frankie's had that same jumper on for about a week now.
I'm loving the twins calling themselves 'humble'. What's the opposite of humble? It's true what they said about people dismissing them as blonde bimbos at first though, because even I, feminist nag extraordinaire, did the same. Because 99% of the time the glamour models in the house have been people like Orlaith, Imogen, Georgia; empty vessels with perky boobs and a lobotomy. So I apologise for judging the twins on that previous bad experience. But blame the Big Brother producers.
OMG - Frankie, naked! Do people really find him sexy? He looks like he's already got a beer belly to me. Aren't indie boys meant to be all cheekbones and ribs? That's how I like my indie boys.
Anyway, I'll miss this lot tomorrow. And I'll miss you lot, too. People actually seem to be reading my blog at the moment - weird. I'll try and fill the gap until we meet to slag off strangers again.
Good luck for the final. Save the Yanks! Vote for the twins and give that baying, thick, sexist, ugly mob something to really boo about. I'm counting on you!

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Romeo done

Was just perusing the National Television Awards and Big Brother did not even get a MENTION in the reality category. Big Brother INVENTED reality TV! Yet another injustice. It annoys me so much when people say BB is past it's sell-by-date. No, BB is just in the right hands. BB needs it's own network, with separate channels for live feed, psychology, and other spin-off shows. THAT'S what should have happened.
It makes me laugh that the crowd is cheering for soon-to-be-registered sex pests Denise and Frankie and booing the feisty but with non-two dimensional personalities twins and Michael. I'd hate to accuse my own country of xenophobia (which my boyfriend just taught me how to spell), but it's either that or racists, so take yer pick.
They're either giving Michael and Frankie a good edit, or nothing happened yesterday. How's Frankie going to afford a place in Hollywood? I doubt if he could afford dinner in Planet Hollywood.
Interesting to see Michael's melted wife. I don't know why Nicola is getting booed so much. I feel largely indifferent to her. I find Denise a million times more objectionable because she plays the poor-little-me card and behaves appallingly. At least Nicola has some semblance of principles.
BTW I saw Denise's husband in the audience of the NTA awards so he's not in America making a movie. Funny, that. He's also not supporting his wife, is he?!
Gareth's oblique reference to rimming is probably the most interesting thing he's ever said in the house. Brian's comment was quite funny.
It's weird that all American men are circumcised. Why would you cut off a bit of your child's body willy-nilly? Doesn't it reduce sensitivity? Nicola is a tricky one asking is Hef is circumcised! Naughty.
I have no idea who's going to go! Oh, it's Nicola! I guess that figures. Her boobs look like watermelons in a net. I totally agree with what Nicola said that Denise changes when she has a drink in a bad way. That's an undeniable truth. I thought Nicola's interview was a little bit cruel. She wasn't that bad. She didn't deserve people shouting 'off' especially in relation to Denise's neurosis. I think the interviews have gone downhill badly this year. They're too short and not enough decent questions asked. Another thing I'd sort out if I was in charge.
Now Nicola wants the twins evicted?! Turncoat. Denise 'a wonderful old woman'. Lol - that's damning praise.
I'm not going to do two blogs because I feel like nothing's happened! Maybe something interesting will kick off on the live feed. But I doubt it as it's just waiting time.
I've just realised why I like the twins. It's because they're obnoxious and I'm obnoxious. That live feed is sooo pointless for half an hour. Just caught a bit of Jodie Marsh's bullying show. Having Jodie Marsh tell you everything's going to be alright is a bit like having Jordan telling you to embrace your natural beauty. I like Jodie Marsh, but she's one of the most fucked up people on the planet.
I really hope the twins don't go now and get bayed at by that mob. Ooh it's between Romeo and the twins! I had an inkling Romeo would go. Thank God, I don't think I could stand a full night of misogyny. The others looked visibly disappointed when the twins stayed.
Romeo is a lovely bloke, but he did nothing in the house. I think he suffered from the Denise vs twins row, but he's no worse a fencesitter than Gareth, and he's sexier. I can see why people couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone. But it angers me that people have picked up the phone for Denise. She's an absolute train wreck.
So were twins bottom two or not? That's what I want to know! I'm perplexed that interesting, polarising ex-housemates like Rodrigo and Luke Marsden are slagging off the twins and supporting Denise on Twitter! I don't get it.
Romeo: 'people forgot to pick up the phone'. You didn't give anyone a reason to. Peacemaker? No, fencesitter. There's a difference. Tonight has made me mad. I used to think C4 was biased, but C5 is a fucking joke.
You think pervert Richard Desmond would be lapping up the twins and supporting them to win so he can plaster them all over his smutty papers. I guess it's a bit inconvenient that they have personalities, too.
Brian is getting to the bottom of all the issues: 'how did you like wearing Michael's pajamas?' Romeo's interview has been twice as long as Nicola's. Mind you, she probably had to go and get dunked like a witch judging by the sound of that crowd. Have they shut the door on the mob? They should set fire to that lot, do the gene pool a favour.
Brian was being quite saucy with Romeo: 'Romeo you beat off Gareth.' Goodness me.
Romeo is smooth and cool and chilled out, which would be great if he were a milkshake. But he isn't, he's a housemate. Was.
Nearly there. The twins (or Michael) can win it if you really want them to. Or you can vote for an old drunk, a randy teenager, or a boring Welshman. UP TO YOU.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: We're not housemates, we're fucking hostages

Sorry I'm late I've been asleep for hours as I'm feeling peaky. But had to get up and do my duty.
Glad Denise got a warning! She was lucky not to be booted out. Note to self: don't go on a night out with Denise. Her idea of a 'jokey party' is probably getting felt up at the end of it.
Why is Frankie siding with the nerd herd? Thought he was rock n' roll? It's just revenge cos they think he's a little creep, isn't it?
Michael is lapping it up! Now he's all chummy with Nicola. Hilarity. Do they give them booze EVERY night? Surely Denise isn't going to drink again? Riiiiiiiiight?
The truth is, BOTH sides are wrong, a bit. But I PERSONALLY would be aggrieved by someone pulling my pajama bottoms down. It is unacceptable.
Was Natalie the the peacekeeper in that house? Is that where it all fell apart. Nicola is an emotional wreckage. I know that house is amplifying things, but she really needs to get a hold of herself.
Michael is so happy the focus is off him, he's concentrating on coming out with some pithy one liners. It WOULD be good if they put a new celeb in now, but I don't think they will. It's too late.
Denise IS toxic. But she already DID apologise! Those twins need to lighten up a bit. Just a bit.
LOL my boyfriend just said he read that Denise's husband is going to 'come knock Michael Madsen out'! I'd like to see him try, he's about three foot, isn't he?
Nicola's been 'intimidated by the twins'. Oh, boo hoo. She's used to being chief shit-stirrer in the nest, isn't she?
UGH did they just say Robbie Williams is a legend?! Fucking namedroppers. He's a toad-faced egotistical ginormous prick. He's the biggest cunt on the planet, and he's got some SERIOUS competition. I can imagine Denise being friends with Beverley Callard. They're both clinging onto their youth harder so hard they've smothered it.
It's quite telling that Nicola has had botox and looks older than me, even those she's younger than me. What a brilliant product that must be. Not being able to move your face is very sad. Your lines tell the story of your life.
Frankie, you DID fuck it. That's all you do is fuck it.
Karissa: 'I was still calculating how I was going to react.' You don't calculate how to react to something, you just react!
Michael: 'everyone is being phoney as the can be right now. Haven't you reached your high point of humiliation?' LOL. I love his summary of the tasks.
I want to read one of Michael's poems. I just can't be arsed to look one up. 'Pussy and money'? I can see how he won that award. He's really enjoying this task. Shit, I really need to update my poetry blog.
Why does Gareth keep digging out Andrew? Andrew was ten million times the housemate he is.
LOVE Michael and Denise discussing if the girls really slept with Hef. I do wonder if it's all for show, if the whole thing is smoke and mirrors.
It's the end of the twins now, which is a shame. They took it a bit too far, which is a pity as their game was really good up til now, but I can see how their arrogance could be a bit unpalatable now. However, I'm still voting for them. I also thought Aaron had 'pushed it too far' too many times, and he still walked it, probably because of the BOTS bias.
If not the twins, then Michael. If not Michael, go fuck yourselves. Night!

Monday, 23 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Girls just want to kick off

Ooooh looks like a good 'un tonight. Don't let me down, BB!
Spelling task... this should be fun.Electric shock task... original. At least they've changed the outfits. Well done, Frankie, you can spell the word 'sting'.
Denise is showing her TRUE colours now, and it's not just Michael in her sights, is it? What a sad, curmudgeonly old woman.
The way Denise said, 'are you going to go to bed?' to Michael was soooooo shitty, and then she says he started on her. NO! You're a control freak. Just let the man go about his business!
Papa bear is mad about Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Who can blame him? What Denise did was NOT OK. I think whichever that twin is has got something to hide (butt scars?)
I'd go MAD if someone pulled my pajama bottoms down. It is NOT fun. You should never encroach on someone else's space or body like that. Denise is bang out of order.
Michael will be LOVING this. Fight, fight, fight, fight!
Good on Karissa for saying she's done with the sexual harrassment. 'I'm going to sue you guys!' I suppose because she's a Playboy model Denise thinks she's fair game. But she has a right to her own privacy, FFS. Denise is out of control.
I love Kristina fighting like a lion for her sister. I knew someone was going to bring up the 'she gets her tits out for a living' thing. And you just get your manky old tits out for attention. At least the twins get paid for it.
Letters from home gate! It's all coming now. Nicola: 'go have another drink, babe.' Echos of 'pour me, pour me, pour me another drink.' This is shaping up to be a classic.
Gareth must be getting fucking piles from sitting on that fence for so long, and Romeo's right there by his side. There's NOTHING worse than a fence sitter. You don't have an opinion? You can't tell right from wrong?
Michael's digging the grave for Denise with 'I guess she's crossed the line'. Not sure why Frankie is siding with Denise. Although Denise was joking the second time.
Nicola literally just jumped out of BED to continue the argument! That's commitment. I'm glad we're getting to see her teeth at last, that's what she was put in there for, after all.
What movie is Denise's husband doing in America? Is it Aufweidesen Pet goes to Hollywood? Now Denise is making me think of Jimmy Nail because she keeps going 'she's lying!'
I love seeing the Nerd Herd torn apart! Just open the door and chuck Nicola out in her pajamas.
Nicola sounded like Nikki Graham when she was having her two-year old tantrum. Get a grip!
'You guys are going to have a huge lawsuit on your hands I want a signed statement from the producer saying you're not going to show it'. I guess Big Brother was scared enough to not show it up close. This twins kick are in-fucking-domitable.
The most delicious thing about this whole situation is the twins don't even like Nicola, they just befriended her for a vote.
Stop going on about being called a liar, Denise! You've got a lot worse problems on your hands than that. Nicola's children are called 'Striker' and 'Rocky'?! LOL.
What an atmosphere! I love a party with a happy atmosphere.
Frankie's dropped a few little hate bombs tonight, some I've agreed with, some I haven't.
Nicola to Denise: 'you'll be embarrassed when you watch it back.' So will you! Ooh, if Gareth has lost it with Denise, she's really fucked.
The way those twins love each other is so cute. I wish I had a twin! I want someone to back me up as ferociously as that at all times.
Frankie moaning about being called a sex pest: you said 'come and put a condom on with your butt cheeks' which is actually worse than 'come give us a blowjob.' He's another one who needs to take a look at the footage in the cold light of day.
The only thing that could have made that better is someone getting punched in the face. Maybe tomorrow? Fingers crossed!

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Thick in Japan

Sorry I was MIA yesterday but it just appeared to be a big Gareth fest anyway. Densie: 'how can people keep MM in and vote Kirk out? Very easily!
Is anyone really buying this Japanese BS task? Loving the twins wanting to check with their agents before they deliver an interview. Kerching!
Michael is building up the lie well. Denise likes it when someone's asking her questions so she sould be in her element. This Japanese task is a trip.
Gareth actually seems to be letting his hair down a bit at last, I'm warming to him a bit now. He seems like quite a compassionate person too. But he's still zzzz. I'd hate to see him win it.
I liked the twins on that Japanese show. I enjoyed the twins coversation about boring down into the sea. Is there nothing they can't put their minds to? They are fucking baddass. They all took the task things quite well.
Karaoke brings people together! Even the most miserable and grumpy. I'd have liked to see more of that.
Tonight's show was so fluffy and confrontation free that there was NOTHING to write about! I don't think you even got one joke out of me. Soz.

Friday, 20 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: How to lose 12 and half stone in 30 minutes

Things I don't like hearing on the live feed. 'Celebrity wedding planner's on next.' 'We're on a 15 minute delay.' Kind of takes the 'reality' out of reality TV, doesn't it?
The crowd's cheers used to mean something. But not any more. The crowd can barely be trusted to hold a poster up straight. Love them chanting for the twins just as they get saved. In your face, morons! Wot way is Americas againz?
It's between Michael and Sonia! Sheeeeeeeeet! I was really worried Michael was going to go home then. Hilarious! Out of all those people Sonia got LEAST votes. Less than Romeo. Less than Nicola. Not so caring after all, hey? Honestly, the way she was acting it was like she was going to be able to pick and choose who was in the final five with her. Pride comes before a fall!
Ad break: I seem to remember Muse suing someone for putting that song on an advert about five years ago. Times must be hard.
The twins and Michael must be pleased that they got booed as the crowd is completely off. It's actually quite embarrassing for C5 how out of touch they are with the real viewers, ie. the viewers who care enough to vote, ie. the people who have been watching this show for over ten years, not some dribbling dickhead who can't even retain enough information to remember a simple name (hence the names on screen - although the people who need the names on the screen can't actually read anyway). Nearly a million people watched the live feed on Weds: need we say more?
She's STILL DOING IT in her interview, peddling the 'I'm down to earth' myth, calling the twins out on their 9,000 dollar shoes, and saying she shops at Dorothy Perkins. I don't give a FUCK where you buy your fucking knickers from, I don't LIKE YOU. And I'm not alone: more people picked up the phone for DENISE than you. You're full of it!
The biggest lie, that BOTS will be re-inforcing shortly, is that some kind of miscarriage of justice was served tonight. Actually, justice WAS served tonight. Kirk was the most horrible person in the house, and probably the most horrible person in Essex, although I believe Jack 'she's a CUNT' Tweed still lives there.
Natalie was considered 'nice' because she constantly kept going on about how 'nice' she was. When was the last time you told a group of people how 'nice' you were? It's not for YOU to say how nice you are. But some idiots will still fall for it. I like my housemates with a little more 4realz.
Natalie STILL going on at the twins. WELL JEL. You don't need to be able to boil a kettle when you can get mugs like you to do it for them.
Sonia virtually turned on Nicola at the end with no evidence. What a CARING person. Then she says Gareth to win. Spare me! What has he actually done except talk in an unbearable accent?
Love Brian fucking up at the end and saying 'Natalie wants Nicola out next.' Sweet. I hope she heard that!
Wow, that double eviction on Weds is going to be a big surprise, isn't it? SHOCKER!
Bye Sonia. And you aint even going to get Peggy's theme! Boo hoo. See you in Closer.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Push the button. Don't push the button.

Twins getting booed! Hilarious. And a cheer for Kirk. Well done, pygmies. Now watch and learn, just like you had to with Aaron. I can't work out why they're booing them? Is it because they're attractive? It must be. I completely misjudged them when they walked in. They're sound!
I bet you a MILLION quid Denise will rent Reservoir Dogs when she gets out. A MILLION!
All this gagging! What must Nicola be like when she gives a blowjob?
I hate Natalie and nicola playing the children card. I hate it sooooo much.
Brian: 'stop shouting.' LOL. Keep 'em under control, Brian.
Romeo doesn't approve of misogyny but doesn't mind a good stabbing (alleg).
Frankie 'come put this condom on with your teeth/ bum cheeks.' How old is he?! What a revolting pig.
Michael seems to like Natalie, God knows why. Surely he's not fooled by her crap?
Letters from home! Nicola's doing controller's leg. If the letters are going to get shredded anyway then someone should press the button.
I'm sure they'd tell you if your kids weren't alright, Nicola. 'Dear Nicola. Sorry, your kids are dead. Please send flowers.' Fred the shred! Fake crying time! Fake shaking! Only the controller's leg is real. That leg jiggle gives away your true intentions.
Nicola didn't need 21 seconds to shred those letters did she? Tut tut!
Here's Kirk's letter: 'Dear pitbull-face, you've disgraced yourself on TV. You're a sexist pig and ignorant. We've booked you in for some geography lessons. Toodles, Daddy.'
Who's Sonia's letter from, Carol Jackson? How can Carol still sit on that plastic sofa where Billie died? Every time I see her on it, I think of him choking on his own vom. I mean, if you wanted to pick a dispensible Jackson child, Sonia or Robbie would be the obvious choice.
What's gwan on with Nicola's hair? It looks like she just put a labrador through that letter shredder. Ooh, who's first out!
That crowd is JOKES. So, so, so out of touch as usual. Michael and the twins must be thinking 'what'? KIRK! YES! Fuck yes. I just stood up and cheered so loud my cat bolted from the room. This must be what it feels like when your team scores a goal at the foorball. Kirk looked shocked! Haha, after he got cheered just before. Delicious!
Brian better dig into him now.
Kirk: 'is my number working?' I guess the game starts now! LOL! Why the shock? He's a sexist cunt. Public don't like it. Quite simple, really. When will Brian and BOTS get it into their skulls that WE DECIDE not THEM. How can people not see what we see?
It's so gross the way he persists with this 'Georgia was only put in for me' thing, like she's just an object that his daddy bought him.
I'm thrilled he went out on the basis of one vote, and it was the twins wot did it! Brian is soft-soaping him as usual. I'm actually quite disgusted with Brian in general at the moment. It wasn't a conversation in a boat that did for Kirk. It's because he was a grotesque, grubby little gargoyle. Comprende?
The twins don't need to 'do one', Kirk. Because you've already DONE ONE. Ta-ra you fucking thick prick. Now go read a map.
I aint blogging this live feed. Well I might blog a teeny bit. I'm going to post another mini blog for the eviction show! Stay tooned.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: And we're all wondering if the cheque cleared

Denise is wearing a uniquely unflattering jumper and a really stupid hat. Yes it's all about you, Denise, that's why we kept Michael in, to piss you off. You kind of think someone who's 53 might 'know herself' (t.m Aisleyne) a bit better, but it just goes to show that some people never grow up. And some people are stupid forever.
Twins: 'I know for a fact you're not going' to Georgia. Michael seems to be going a bit postal, too. Why is he having a go at Georgia? Sterling editing there, as ever, BB. Clear as shit. I truly believe the more maverick you go, the better the chance you have of winning. He reminds me of when Leonardo went nuts in The Beach.
'Will the four best actors come to the Diary Room.' Love the fact Michael didn't even bother getting up.
Michael: 'I have dignity and it's not for sale.' But I thought he was wondering if the cheque's cleared? This resoooomaay don't add up! I don't blame Michael for not wanting to wear a leotard, though. Not with those 170 pictures under his belt. It would get a bit lumpy.
Michael and Denise are like an old married couple. I hope she goes on Friday because I'm sick of it.
A cliche game... they should be good at this.
Loved Michael talking about dead people and whether you really can feel their presence or not. It's an interesting philosophical question and you don't get many of those in the Big Brother house.
Why are they all hugging Michael like they like him now?!
I'm not going to reblog this nominations bit but I'll comment if they show us something we haven't seen before, like a crafty roll-eyes.
Denise and Nicola both look on the edge. I liked the comment I read on Digital Spy today that said everyone might as well have just said 'we nominate the Americans'.
Is Nicola retching again? You wouldn't want to go on an aeroplane with her, would you?
I understand why everyone (except Gareth) is up now, it's because it's a double eviction, so two up wasn't enough. Gareth is so useless. He's a waste of a housemate in my opinion and his accept drives me nuts.
What Michael said about Denise was true. Natalie can like it or lump it. It doesn't matter if Denise has got mental health problems, she IS emotionally disturbed. I think she forgot her meds.
Micheal did NOT snap at Natalie. He just told her the truth. Natalie: 'I don't like false people.' FUCKING RICH! You are purely for show! Your whole life is a fucking production. Every word that comes out of your mouth is contrived, transparent cowshit.
Those twins are fucking amazing. They did a take down of everyone in the house. They're really pissed off that Denise nominated them. I love the fact they think Loose Women is a popular show. I swear Michael and the twins think Loose Women is like our flagship current affairs programme. So who WILL go? Save the twins! I still don't know their names or which one's which. But save them!

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Eviction and live feed (my hands hurt)

Brian looks like he's got his old Easyjet uniform on tonight. Why would voting be neck and neck? What reason is there to keep Georgia around? If you really like her, do her a favour and save her from the Kirk flames.
Frankie looks worse than Denise first thing in the morning. Good to see they're treating Frankie well on his birthday. Maybe they'll give him a coke float later.
Georgia: 'I've made lots of friends.' I don't think that feeling is mutual. Michael: 'I like to be there at the finish.' Really? I like to slip off unnoticed about 1am.
'Affectionate' is not the word I'd use to describe Frankie and Kirk. Potential rape statistics is more like it.
I can't work out what is going on between Denise and Michael. If you have any clues, let me know.
I like them forcing Kirk to admit who he nominated. The boat of betrayal. Kirk 'Big Brother begins now!' I've heard him say that about 50 times already. The way he deals with people is some passive aggressive bullshit. He's in the wrong, so he starts on everyone.
Nicola: 'it's not worth it!' I bet she's said that many times outside nightclubs.
I HATE the way Kirk talks to people, he's a proper scumbag. Sonia's like his fucking moll. Does she really like men who behave like that? I love the twins barking at him. I want them on my side in an argument.
Twins going on about being gorgeous: check!
How old is Frankie anyway, 15? His ice sculpture was quite cool. Kings of Leon! There goes your cool points. Sex is on Fire always makes me think of having cystitis. Big Brother doesn't do alternative culture well, does it? It's much safer with The Saturdays.
Uh oh, ding dong! Denise vs Michael again. How much has she had to drink? Uh oh, she's talking to herself. Has she been on the spirits? Denise is like someone crying on the stairs at a party. Michael didn't DO ANYTHING! She's actually unhinged. I think she's in love with him.
Check out those leopard print trousers Gareth's got on!
Denise: 'Michael changes with a drink.' Fucking hell. The hypocrisy. The twins know the score. They've summed it up perfectly.
Denise stripping off! I hate it when women feel they have to take their top off to have a good time. It's worse when they're middle aged. Oh my god, you proper saw everything! Worse is Nicola pretending to be a friend. She isn't.
Michael: 'it's horrifying.' At least Frankie got to be in the hot tub with a topless girl on his birthday. Just not the way he imagined.
Georgia's out! She looks really good, if a little orange. Nice dress. Yeah Georgia go and get your nose fixed, you're hideous. Fucking hell, I'd swap. She's not just a pretty face, she's got a good body, too.
I'm not surprised Georgia is relieved to be out. Everyone hated her or was jealous of her in that house. Conversate-gate. Even Romeo didn't like Georgia, even though he's equally as boring as her.
Questions! Georgia is pointless. Beautiful, but pointless. I'd hate it if people said there was nothing about me. But the truth is, when you look like that, you don't need a personality.
I really want Georgia to say something really nasty about Kirk! Go on, say he's an impotent little shit. Say he stinks. Say he's got a face like a Boglin.
I think they interviewed Georgia for about ten seconds. Never mind. Yay, she backed the twins FTW. I'd like to see them win it. But can they?
Ooh, face to face nominations on the live feed! I'd better keep blogging, then! Fucking hell, is my work here never done? The twins: 'you're lying right now!' I love their turn of phrase.
Nicola looked nervous hearing about the live noms. Hasn't got the balls to nominate the twins to their faces, that's why. It's good because people will go for the easy option in this voting.
The twins demanding champagne before they nominate. Nice. I'd nominate Kirk and Nicola I think, but it's hard because I hate Natalie so much.
Oh no, Michael putting himself up as the stooge. I knew that would happen. Gareth's slightly aggressive pep talk! I'd nominate him, see how he likes that.
Nicola's biting her nails! But who's doing controller's leg? Why have they got to write it on blackboards? This is some good live feed. I hope Big Brother eliminates the soft voting and makes them give real reasons.
Nicola started writing IMMEDIATELY. She's obviously gunning for someone.
Frankie stop breaking the rules! Put him up. LOL he nommed Sonia.
Oh god, I hope it's not the twins vs Michael. That would be awful. I'm really worried that's going to happen.
Yay, the twins nominated Kirk and Natalie. Perfect.
Michael: 'I cannot stand another minute in this house with Denise, she's emotionally disturbed.' True.
Romeo voted for 'Franky' for being rude about women. Bless.
They said they have to take your first nomination, and Frankie's crossed his out! Put him up. Michael vs the twins is not an acceptable scenario. We know you wanted Natalie out!
Nicola is doing a noms cry. This sucks, it's going to be all 'baddies' if the twins or Michael go.
Now we wait whilst the BB producers try and fix it. They'd better, anyway. The twins didn't 'isolate themselves with Georgia'. They just liked Georgia.
Yay, they have fixed it. I wish it was a vote to evict. I'd evict Kirk. Vote to save the twins! And Michael! it's almost impossible to say who would would get the least votes in vote to save amongst that shower. I HATE that Gareth. He's so sanctimonious, and I don't really think he's got a leg to stand on.
Is Frankie going to have a fag now? Is he going to get kicked out of BB, too? It's illegal to smoke indoors in a workplace and he got caught out on the live feed! They'll get fined for that.
Maybe Denise would go in a vote to save? Would anyone bother with her. Why doesn't she go somewhere private and cry? Oh, cos she wants everyone to watch her.
Can't wait an hour for a fag... you never been on a plane before, Frankie?
Kirk: 'open the door so I can get my jumper or I'll boot it through.' Charmed, I'm sure.
Yay, Michael's getting pissy with Natalie on the live feed about being 'diplomatic'. Natalie doesn't like to be 'two-faced'.
I still don't get why everyone takes pity on Denise. She's brought the whole situation on herself. Natalie and Denise are like mother and daughter, they're such a self-rightous pair of arseholes.
The trouble with Romeo is he's SUCH a fence-sitter. He's a nice guy, but he's so fucking boring I could cry.
God I'm really bored now, I need something to eat. And just as they're digging into the wine, too. I hope you waited up for me. Save the Americans. The UK celebs aint worth shit. Night!

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: I can't help being a caring person, can I?

That argument between the twins is so blatantly flim flam. We're not fooled, BB.
Memory task? They're ripping off BBUSA again, methinks. I like it when one renegade refuses to do a task, there's always one.
MM is taking part! Let's see how long it lasts. Frankie and Kirk belong in the wheelie bin with the trash. Was that bin really dirty? Groo.
Oh Natalie, save your pious piddle for someone who cares. At least Michael is honest. You couldn't spell the word. Negative! Positive! If you cared about Michael, why didn't you vote out someone else? There's plenty to choose from. You can't have it both ways.
You never see those twins interact with Romeo, do you? Mind you, we don't see much, do we.
Oh, Kirk, you're such a creep. What a complete gimp. He's basically sexually assaulting Georgia in the garden to 'lighten' the situation. So Kirk split up with his girlfriend to get off with girls in the Big Brother house. And he's going to propose to his her when he gets out. What a pathetic little joke. And then he tries to kiss Georgia again. Talk about mixed messages. Revolting, revolting, revolting pervert. He's trying to bully her into kissing him. Is he 12? That's not flirting, it's aggression. Big Brother, please save Georgia from that situation. Awkward isn't the word.
The most interesting thing Romeo has done in that house is sit in that chest. That and wear Michael's pimp pyjamas.
The twins need to take acting classes. Michael was enjoying the show! 'Get your fucking punk ass out of here, you dumb bitch!' is a good insult.
That was real like RE-AL Madrid. Not real in the slightest. Fargument. Frankie can smell the bullshit.
My boyfriend is accusing Romeo of smoking a cigarette 'like a spliff'. What is he suggesting?
Michael is being a sport and sitting in the wheelie bin. Well, he is Oscar the grouch. He likes wearing other people's jackets.
All the idiots in the garden stirring the pot, whilst all the normal people are in the kitchen minding their own business.
Please make Frankie dance to I Gotta Feeling! Justin Bieber, almost as good. I quite liked his dancing, he's got the mooooooooooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
Those twins are 22! That's pretty young. I thought they were nearer my age.
Nicola is plotting her 'next few nominations'. Confident? And she's touting Romeo as a possible?! WTF. What's he done?! And why did we never see it?
Sonia: 'I like chaos. I like noise.' That explains the trumpet.
Denise's snoring is grim. They need to push her onto her side. Oh no, that didn't work. Unless they dubbed that snoring on like they do with nature programmes.
Those twins are SO cocky. Somehow it's not offensive when Americans are like that.
60 seconds to get in Michael's bed is the lols. Singing Happy Birthday in it was a touch, too. I thought that task was alright, actually. Save Michael!

Monday, 16 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother: Cackle bladdered

Denise vs Michael is actually becoming a bit uncomfortable now. He can't stand her cackle. I can't believe anyone in the house could be siding with Denise. 'Imagine if it was me and Michael locked in the room...' Yes, that's what she's imagining. She's becoming quite the bunny boiler. Just LEAVE HIM ALONE, FFS. Even Nicola admits Denise is being unreasonable.
The twins to Georgia: 'we got your back.' I love all that US speak. I hope they start talking about 'backdooring' someone soon.
Every single thing that comes out of Sonia's mouth is laced with 'what will the public think? I must quantify this statement so the public likes me.' I can't STAND it. It's so transparent.
I think Denise is actually unhinged. 'I expect people to get me.' I get you, I just don't like what I see: a desperate middle-aged lady who drinks too much.
Ah, it was Nicola who was immune, not Georgia! Rubbish.
Noms! Frankie nominated the twins for calling him a 'rude annoying pervert after two days of knowing me.' I'd say that's generous, if anything (t.m. Amy Childs)
Everyone is being a coward and voting for Michael instead of Denise. Denise is DEFFO gonna crack first and speak to Michael. I'd bet my blog on it.
Georgia: 'Kirk is a bellend.' We've not seen much of that. I'd like to see more of him being an arse so I could hate him more. I hate him a LOT already.
God, the only reason for nominating anyone in this house is 'they don't ask me questions.' It's not an interview with Heat magazine! They'd love Jamie East in there, he's got all the questions and that stripy t-shirt. They all just expect the world to be grovelling to know every detail of their sad little lives. Do you expect people to ask you questions constantly? I'd think it was weird if they did.
What the fuck is this music they're playing over nominations? It's freaking my boyfriend out. Wow, I think everyone in the house nominated Georgia! Nerd herd. I wish they couldn't talk about it as I used to like them getting in trouble for nominating, plus it was less of a fix. I'd be gutted if everyone had nominated me for being boring.
I hate too many people in that house. It's not healthy.
Michael's off as Denise sits down. It's like Aaron's strops all over again. Now there was a man who knew how to hold a grudge.
Michael and Georgia are up! SURELY no one is going to make the mistake of saving Georgia again?
They should lock Michael in a room and force him to watch Loose Women for hours like when they forced Lady Sovereign to sit in a drawer listening to Basshunter on repeat. Do it, do it, do it, do it! I like Michael, I hope he stays.
Frankie: 'let's go fuck some birds.' Which ones?
Nicola to Georgia: 'I think your nose could look better.' Is she KIDDING? Georgia is as close to perfection as you can get. That is completely disturbing and damaging. She judges Natasha Giggs, but what she's doing is as much of a crime against humanity, because if perfect Disney princess Georgia needs a nose job, what hope a plain-looking girl from down the road? Disgraceful.
Michael suits Denise's coat.
Nicola and Denise justifying their alcohol abuse. 'Sometimes I just go to bed with a novel.' Only someone with a drink problem justifies their drinking like that. A normal person wouldn't even mention it or give it a second's thought.
Nicola's 30? It said she was 28 when she went house. Stop going on about how much your husband loves you. He's probably enjoying the break.
What a weird an uneasy truce at the end with Denise and Michael: 'you're an abomination.' 'You look shit in that coat'. I give it ten minutes before they're going at it again - and not in that way.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother: That fucking broad, man

Sup! My netbook is back, as I restored it to factory settings. Luckily I got all my good stuff saved on my other computer. Still, thanks for doing that to me, virus makers. I really appreciate those four hours you stole from my Saturday night.
Nicola did NOT snog Frankie, jokingly or otherwise. How DO you 'jokingly' snog someone, though? At least Frankie admitted that Nicola didn't do it, he stuck up for her quite well, I thought. Imagine being so drunk you didn't know whether you'd snogged someone or not? I've never been that drunk. It's almost as bad as actually doing it, thinking you were capable of doing it! I love the fact Nicola stayed in and made a twonk herself. The twins: 'you didn't embarrass yourself.' You started that rumour! Little stirrers.
Pots and pans wake up call! I've seen that in BBUSA. It's all good fun.
Aw bless, Gareth wants to go see his mummy and daddy. How old is he?! He gave Nicola quite a nice pep talk, really. I like her flamingo jumper.
Uh oh, looks like the twins might be on the shitlist for lying. Denise judging people for being 'pre-alcohol/post-alcohol'! RICH. 'He's become a situation.' No, you're the instigator of that situation. You ARE the situation.
Wow, they've all got the knives out for each other today. Michael is slagging Denise off, too.
I hope Denise watches this show when she gets out and takes a good look at herself. I watched myself drunk on camera once and I was horrified, I was so shrill and annoying, but at least I wasn't berating anyone. And at least it wasn't in front of... however many viewers BB gets these days.
Oh Denise, stop going on about people not asking you questions! No one is that interested in what it's like to work with Kate Thornton, or to fuck that little dude from Auf Weidersen Pet.
I've seen them do this task on BBUSA and it was funny when they got stuck in the treacle.
Denise stuck in the treacle crying was the lols. So Frankie and Georgia are immune from eviction. I don't think either of them would have been up anyway.
Natalie: 'I hate being on my own.' I hate people who hate their own company, there's nothing sadder. It's the hallmark of a really shallow person.
Watching Natalie, Denise and Nicola in full flow brings back memories of the unholy trinity of Jade Goody, Jo O Meara and Danielle Lloyd. It kind of IS psychological warfare.
I am literally agog that Georgia would even contemplate breathing the same oxygen as Kirk Bulldog-Face Norcross. Really? How disappointing.
Oh Denise is sooooo desperate for Michael to like her. She's coming across quite tragic now. No one wants to see your saggy old boobs. I'd go as far as to say they're bullying him now. Why can't they just leave him be?
MM is making a mistake telling Nicola he's going to nominate Denise because that's going to go straight back to her. I swear BB has set up this task just to get Denise out of Michael's hair. If a Hollywood star walks because of a Loose Woman then the producers are going to be really pissed off.
I wouldn't mind spooning with Romeo for a punishment. She's actually obsessed with Michael. She's still going on about him! Ha, they're torturing Denise with Michael's snoring.
Who died and made those twins the arbiter of morals? These are women famous off the back of sleeping with an octegenarian - which I'm not judging, merely pointing out that they're in no position to judge. Twins on Nicola: 'If she's going to walk, let her walk at her weakest point.' That's not the sort of rhetoric you normally hear on UK Big Brother. It's cutthroat and I like it.
I feel like we've missed this 'rift' between Georgia and Kirk. Those twins screw you HARD when they've got you cornered, I'd be doing whatever they said, especially if I was as weak a character as Georgia. Here's a thought: imagine if they won it! Let's make that happen.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: You've not seen my body of work

Hashtag #killmenow. Please stop them saying fucking 'hashtag'. Twitter has already fallen out of fashion in my opinion: this is just rubbing salt in the wound. All these no-marks going 'hashtag this' and 'hashtag that' is the worst bit of advertising since John McCruick became the poster-pig for Diet Coke.
Sonia to Michael: 'you've not seen my body of work.' Yes, Michael, check her out her giving birth noisily (is there any other way?) and mourning Jamie Mitchell on UK Gold - actually, I don't think this channel even exists anymore.
Why is Nicola retching at Frankie's wank story? She should go see a doctor, I think she's got something stuck in her throat.
Why is Michael shaving Frankie? Ha, is his face all cut up now.
The way Denise talks to Michael is so rude! Why is she being so blunt with him? I feel sorry for her husband if she's talking to a stranger like that. I liked his pisstake of her afterwards.
Nicola going on about Giggs-gate again? Never! What a 'friend' she is.
Michael: 'is Denise an actress?' How long has he been in there? Loose Women is not QUITE like The View. And he's asking what's she doing in there: what's HE doing in there? He's a movie star! He cut off that ear and everything.
I don't get this date thing, is Frankie deliberately being an idiot? Is it that he's got to do it bad the first time and then improve? Ah, yes. They're not very well dressed for this date, they both look like they've got their pyjamas on.
Where's Kirk? I've not seen him all episode. He's probably gone back to TOWIE for the day.
Frankie's got Michael's pyjamas on for the second date. Better already!
Romeo has a very sexy voice. I'd much rather be on the date with him. Kristina seems much nicer than the other one. Mind you, Frankie seems more bearable this time. WTF is 'squim'?
Frankie went from zero on one date to ten on the other!
They should show more of the photo of Romeo smouldering, too! I'd give him 21 seconds to go.
Nicola is soooooo pious! Honestly, you'd think she was Mother Teresa the way she goes on, and not some 2-bit reality show bint with a Deirdre Barlow neck.
I can see why men go for Natasha. I think she's got a sexy vibe about her. She's got a magnetism that Nicola would kill for.
The twins are doing some alliance play. Nicola STFU about Natasha! We KNOW what you think about it already. Put a sock in it.
Is Denise trying to drive MM out of the house? She's like a dog with a fucking Bonio. Can you imagine trying to argue with that? She's a complete psycho! I'd hide under the covers until she'd gone away.
It is literally hot with embarrassment in that hot tub. Things are getting rather... desperate! It's like watching your mum getting amorous. I wish Romeo would come carry me to bed.
MM is putting hairspray on before bed. Very weird.
Sadly I lost the end of this blog as my computer got a virus, told me I'd been downloading child porn (I hadn't!) but if I paid £75 the police would say no more about it! Amazing. Imagine if this system were true. Actually, with our courts, it probably is.
My netbook is still infected and I've been trying to fix it for two hours. I am very, very, very STRESSED. I can't even remember what happened at the end of BB! This is not exactly how I envisaged my Saturday night.
I might get a Mac. I think I might be done with PCs.

Friday, 13 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: WAGs on, WAGs off

I shant be voting tonight because I'm not bothered who goes. I'd prefer Natasha to stay but I'm not going to actually bother to vote for her. Let the misogynists go at it instead. Bet they didn't make much money on the phones tonight, either way as there's nothing in it.
They're playing Bloc Party over the wake up bit! Bloc Party must have sold every song off their first album a hundred times over.
Michael, Denise is going to be your friend whether you like it or not. Unlucky.
Not more fucking Jedward, FFS. I LIKE Jedward, and even I want to knock their tiny skulls together.
I'm sooo sick of hearing about the 'perception' of Natasha. So if she goes at least we won't have to suffer through that anymore.
Natasha's brother was a charismatic kind of guy. Nicola's husband has fashioned a scarf out of a bathmat. 'Nicola's like Ronseal...' What, astringent and orange? And what does it say on her tin, 'bitchy nonentity'?
Nicola is such a nosy cow. Why doesn't she mind her own fucking business, I swear she's getting off on the whole Ryan Giggs thing. She wants to know every single thing detail, which surely must be prolonging Natasha's husbands agony, which is what I thought Nicola cared about in the first place. Apparently not if there's a good bit of gossip in it.
I agree with Natasha: there's no point being with someone just to argue about that. Some things are not 'get over-able'. Just make the break.
Twins giving Frankie's clothes a bath: whatevs.
More gratuitous semi-nudity as they make them all dress as Playboy bunnies for the night. You could see Natasha's nipple in that bed! Racy. Kirk has moved on, clearly, to whoever's available.
NATALIE. I hate you so much. 'You think she'd learn, the girl.' You judgemental twonk. Seriously, who would take relationship advice from you? What business is it of yours how Natasha acts, who she gets into bed with? NONE! Nicola: 'I want to help you as a friend.' With friends like you, I'd rather go live in the woods, starving and feral. I REALLY hope Nicola goes now! Damn, should have voted. I'd love to know the percentage in it.
I can't BELIEVE Natasha went. She had the potential to be much more interesting, especially the dynamic between her and Michael and the other girls all being like pious little vipers armed against her. Nicola is going to rule that roost now. Is that what you want? Is it? My boyfriend just said, 'she's going to be like Stalin.'
Natasha actually got a few cheers! I like what she's wearing, I think she looks nice. I like the fact she doesn't grovel to the martyrdom that people try and impose on her. Brian seemed to really like her as well.
Not a good eviction, and not a good show highlights show tonight so sorry my blog was a bit lacklustre. If it's going to be a series where the votes go the opposite way to what I want each time, it could get nasty!

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: We've got an extra bottle of wine *high five*

Say what you like about Andrew Stone (and you have), at least he had a heart. How many more people can you say that about in there?
Recap times! I thought they'd been rather too kind with the recaps. Perhaps they're building up to another half an hour one again.
I quite like the dynamic of Denise and the evil twin in the DR. They're quite an incongruous pairing. I don't think Karissa would know what a 'fried Mars bar' is, do you?
Her reaction to eating the cow piss was a bit like how I imagine a blowjob with Hugh Hefner ends: 'you lied - I'll fucking kill you!' and then running round retching.
Denise drinking cow's urine out of a bowl! Hardcore. That twin is hilarious. She's completely psycho. I love brash Americans. Denise must be pissed off she drank the wee wee for nothing.
Sonia saying the twins aren't that pretty. Oh dear. Not a wise conversation to have. even Nicola knew to steer clear.
I love these tasks where they just shit-stir by reading out nasty comments they said. It's delicious. 'I'm quite happy to say it.' Yeah right. That's why you said things behind backs.
Nicola is looking dead ratty today. I think she's turning feral.
Natasha: 'I can't imagine anyone thinking Denise is annoying'. Really? Have you seen Loose Women?
There's a lot of smokers in that BB house. These 'celebs' must be under a lot of pressure. Nicola is 'upset' with what Georgia said. That's rich. You can't stand her! Nicola looks like a giant rodent in that BB chair. Call the exterminator.
Oh, Andrew, I will miss your delusions.
Apparently Nicola will NOT say it to her face after all. Anyone who says the word 'banter' needs to have their loved ones lined up and shot. Georgia is being pissy about this 'apology', I love it. FROSTY.
I don't care about this Georgia/Kirk thing. If she fancies him I have zero respect for her. He's a disgusting little pig. I'm even more annoyed that she's there and Andrew's not, cos she has zero game.
I HATE people who say 'marshMELLOWS.' Kirk is so on my shit list. I'm not surprised he does that misogynistic dancing either. Who'd have thought you could misogynistically dance? It seems like an oxymoron. Andrew would never do it!
I heard Denise say on live feed that her disgusting pink tracksuit was from Florence and Fred (ie. Tescos own brand). Seriously, how much are they paying her on Loose Women?
The most touching tribute to a departed housemate ever comes from the twins: 'Andrew drunk wine so we've got an extra bottle!' and then gave each other a high five! They are a piece of work! Brilliant stuff. Even if you thought it, you wouldn't say it out loud!
Nicola: 'I'm a married mother of two, I don't care if a 25 year old likes me.' This bitch is 28. What a tosspot.
Denise is a fucking piss artist. I bet she's clucking for some charlie as well.
I think Michael has little cocktail glasses on his pyjamas. LOL. He's got some good nightwear. Michael is OBSESSED with Natasha. I think he wants her to be his bit on the side.
Denise is being confrontational. Uh oh, she's a nutso drunk. Idea: if you're a mad drunk, don't go on TV and then drink. Unless they cut that so badly you can't tell what's what. Which I wouldn't be surprised about. But I suspect she's just a mad drunk.
PS: Live feed! It doesn't work as an hour show. It's background, like Deal or No Deal or the tennis. It's for late nights and early mornings, not for concentrating on in a chunk. Just give us four hours or something each night, you tight cunts. Cheerz. It WAS nice to see the unedited BB. But come on now. Give us a Bonio. PS: I don't thing they mentioned Andrew once on that live feed. That's showbusiness!

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: (Andrew) Stones taught me to fly

Sorry I'm late, I had to wait for my boyfriend to get home to watch it. I wouldn't normally bother, but he actually voted for the first time ever (to keep Andrew Stone!) so I thought I'd better do the right thing.
Apparently word on the street is he's not the only one to vote for the first time in ages, and honestly, could anyone really expend the energy to dial for Georgia? Yes, you're gorgeous. I'm delighted for you. Now go home.
Brian is struggling to read the autocue. He accidentally said something about Kirk being a cunt. Fair enough, say what you see.
Frankie's bedhead is extraordinary. Oh, shopping list times! 500 bananas, please. Hold the food colouring.
I like Karissa picking her sister as the most beautiful in the task. Narcissistic, much? LOL to Nicola being called the Big Bad Wolf. OMG Andrew Stone as the beast: talk about kicking him when he's down.
Fucking hell, Sonia looks rough today. I'm sure I'd slap a bit of mascara on if I was somewhere with wall to wall breast implants: it's worse that an NHS waiting room in there.
Andrew actually looks quite decent in the wolf costume. Hold on, I thought Nicola was the wolf?
Gareth is the LEAST good looking person in that house in my book, well, a tie with Towie. I'd rather shag Andrew Stone. *insert your own homo/heterophobic joke here*
Andrew's mum: 'He's got 30 years in showbusiness.' Has he? Has he really? 30 years bullshitting, more like.
Georgia's friend confirms she is 'human' before admitting he's seen her boobs. Fab. Brian: 'I like it.' Obv.
Kirk suits that pig's outfit. I read on DS he's rich. He neither looks like or talks like he's rich. And what school did he go to? Romeo's not go much swag in that pig outfit, innit. Andrew ordering Romeo not to nominate him again if he stays.
WTF is this Big Bad Wolf song? Sounds like something my boyfriend puts on at 3am on Friday night right before he goes to 'lie down for ten minutes' then passes out.
It's hard to tell if Frankie's got the pig nose on or not, oink oink.
That haystack/ wind machine thing was ridiculous, but it did make me laugh.
It's cruel making Andrew do this task. He IS more attractive than Gareth. I hate Natalie's passive aggressive shit towards Andrew, she's an utter cunt.
Andrew's hair is looking super frazzled. His hair is spelling out his mood.
MM to Andrew: 'you really are useful!' Cruel. The music they played over the foot massage was silly. I like to finish a foot massage by doing the splits, don't you?
Shit, I really hope Andrew isn't going to go. Natalie: 'I don't want Andrew to go.' Bullshit! You've instigated the whole thing. I hate her faux sincerity.
Andrew is out! What a croc. Great, I can't wait to see days of Kirk and Frankie talking about masturbating. This series is turning out to be a bit of a damp squib.
Andrew is leaving via horse and carriage. It's like a flashback to Jordan's wedding. At least the pumpkin is shielding him from the worst of the boos. I'm really disappointed. I feel like sending him out in that outfit is a pisstake, too.
Honestly, I don't feel like I like anyone in that house now. I don't even feel like watching the little crumb of live feed they're serving us up in a thimble.
Frankie, call yourself a rock and roller: nominating someone for being 'out there'?! Idiot.
Aren't you thrilled that we get to watch Gareth and a Loose Woman now, instead of Andrew? I mean, it would be more bearable if it was Carol McGiffin.
Andrew: 'the best relationship you can have is with yourself.' That's a sad statement!
Put your index fingers in the air and say goodbye to Andrew. I thought it was crap when they put him in, I was wrong. He was ace.
I'm holding Sonia personally responsible for this, saying she was scared of a little camp dude. Get a grip, you plate-faced prick.
Come on Georgia, nominate someone decent and redeem yourself. Nominate Nicola! The knives will be out. LOL Nicola and Natasha. Perfect. Oh, Georgia, your life is going to be HELL. Nicola is grim-faced. There's so much bile for both of those that it's hard to choose between them. Nicola is the obvious one to boot; look at her twitching.
I watched five mins of live feed and apparently 'it's all good'. We give it 30 mins until it kicks off. Night!

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Reservoir horndogs

Oh shut up Natalie Cassidy: frightened of Andrew? That's like being frightened of a puppy with a leg missing. Yeah, he's going to handstand you to death. She's said a few shit-stirry things now that I haven't thought were that cool. She's coming across quite hard, I think. I know it must be hard for her, living an entire life with that face, but don't take it out on the rest of us.
What Andrew said would have pissed me off too, though, opinions are subjective, even on Frankie's voice (!)
Andrew is doing himself no favours by being so abrasive with everyone. Natalie is going on about being petrified again! If she is 'petrified', which I don't believe she is, it's because of her recent unfortunate experience, not anything to do with Andrew. No need to beat Andrew with that proverbial slipper.
Jedward alert! Adjust your volume accordingly. I'm not too fussed about them bringing previous celebs back. I'd prefer to find out what the new ones are like: I mean, have you seen Romeo lately? I don't think he's had a line in four days, he's worse scripted than Tracy from Eastenders.
Apparently Georgia has got a boyfriend and there was a video of her telling Kirk as much. Funny they've not shown it on the highlights.
My boyfriend has declared the Towie pillock Rudy off Misfits. Even Rudy has more charm.
The Frankie diet of cigs and crisp sandwiches sounds good. Except the cigs.
Frankie is wearing green jeggings and espadrilles. For fuck's sake! This is a man who think George Lamb is a style icon. That means dude who hosts Cheaters is a style icon. He isn't.
OMG Towie dude is RUBBING HIS WILLY. He's so disgusting. Please throw him out soon, he's more sexually offensive than Jay Mccrae.
This Jedward task is boring. Come back Tree of Temptation, all is forgiven.
I'm surprised those blowjob twins even eat sandwiches. Love Denise ordering MM to make her a cup of coffee, and him not knowing how to do it. I never know either; coffee is groo.
Yegads, Frankie Cocozza is such a little prick. I want to stamp on his fingers. He could really have turned round public opinion on him. But he is exactly what everyone thought. Gary Barlow: I hope you're pleased with yourself. Are you still 'just a phonecall away' for him? Can BB make that call happen in the Diary Room? Come on, it'll be a laugh.
Good to see nutty Andrew up and dancing again. But it's ambiguous if it was a task or just one of Andrew's wise ideas.
I liked Denise's reaction to eating in the DR room. I wouldn't want to eat with that camera looming over me, either.
Do they ever stop taking about 'tits' in that house?! I wouldn't even speak to a bloke who said 'tits'.
MM has a soft spot for Natasha. He wants to do a life swap with Ryan Giggs. He's going in deep! This is quite a worrying daydream he's having. Michael is right; he does overthink. Worryingly so! I think he does fancy Natasha, but it's just the Big Brother Brain (t.m. the Dark Horse). It wears off about three days after you leave the compound.
Women talking about shoes. Could there be anything more disappointing? Yes. If Andrew gets evicted tomorrow. Do the right thing.

Monday, 9 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Tugboat ninny

Do they normally have a gym, or is it only on the celeb version? No wonder Nicola McCow never let her husband see her without her make up on, she's a total Boglin. Keep trowling it on!
Nom noms! I know who's up which takes the joy out of it a bit but it's hard to avoid it each time.
Frankie: 'I need to have a tug, especially looking at those twins.' Er... sex pest? Objectifying? Gross!
So the twins are allowed to talk about noms cos they're as one housemate, right?
Denise is nominating Georgia. Georgia is just the female Bobby Sable. Didn't we learn our lesson from him? Denise is upset that Michael hasn't asked her any questions about herself. Could it be that he doesn't care? Could it?
Nicola coughs like a pig oinking. Keep them twins in! They've seen through Nicola's crap. They're complete arseholes, but I kind of like their robotic cruelty.
Frankie's vote for Andrew was homophobic whether Andrew's gay or not. Frankie is nominating the twins in case he accidentally rapes them, by the sounds of things. Lovely.
MM seems to only be happy when he's talking about himself and his wonderful career. Denise is right, he does take no interest in anyone else. He's funny sometimes, but I don't like him much.
Frankie moaning about people asking to get their photo taken with him. That truly is reality TV eating itself.
How can Nicola not be up? She's rotten.
Georgia: 'there's something false about Andrew.' Hmm, what could it be?
Romeo is doing 'mum nominations': nominating one woman for not washing up and one for being a slag (I'm paraphrasing). They're not showing nearly enough of him lately.
It's interesting that a lot of people have said Andrew makes them feel uneasy. Bless him, he's got no self-awareness.
Missing your kids, Nicola? Well, you know you can always shut the front door after you. *laboured*
Are they allowed to talk nominations? They must be. I don't really admire Georgia's gameplay because what's the point of going in there and not talking to anyone? It's not good viewing. It's not entertaining. It's cheating us, the three viewers.
I really hope MM doesn't nominate Andrew. Oh no, he did. Sad face. Same reason as everyone else. He's hiding something. What if he's not? What if he is just a bit insecure and attention seeking - and straight? What then?!!
Andrew: 'when Natasha has a few drinks she gets quite loud and opinionated.' Heaven forbid. Frankie and Kirk the Crazy Frog do both objectify women. It's like they did work experience at Nuts magazine and never left.
I feel sorry for Andrew. But I think no matter how many times you tell him he's this and that, he'd never listen. I feel like the 'baddies' have teamed up against Andrew due to the lax nomination talk rules.
Didn't like Sonia dissing Andrew. There's nothing wrong with being ambitious. Where will you be next year, back with your trumpet going back out with a wife beater?
Of all the annoying, self-obsessed arsehole people in that house why is Georgia up? It doesn't make sense.
Ha, just noticed the twins have two-tone hair. Is that still fashionable in America? It hasn't been seen in the UK since the late nineties. Except on Andrew Stone.
Georgia's body! I'd swap. She's got proper cartoon character proportions. She might be a hologram.
Andrew Stone (have you noticed he's one of those people you can't refer to by first name alone? It has to be Andrew Stone, never Andrew) looks miffy-ied. He's having a little sulk, I think. 'It is what it is. What will be will be.' Oh dear, he's completely mentalz. I like this 'Video Games' song! This is the most mainstream thing I've liked since Coldplay.
Michael is a backstabber! I'll never forgive him for this. Never! Andrew's (OK I'm breaking my own rule) profile picture is super, especially when he's going down a shame spiral.
Romeo's coat looks like he's sticking his head out of a flower. Disturbing. I hate it when girls on these programmes show each other their plastic or otherwise boobs. Girls DONT DO THAT. OK, a friend of mine showed me her pierced nipples once. But I didn't ask her to.
Andrew is taking this nomination REALLY well, isn't he? He's absolutely fine with it. Really. It's all good. I don't give a fuck.
Andrew: 'I've been very giving, very loving and very funny.' WTF! Who talks about themselves like that? Lock away the knives, please.
Nicola can take the piss out of Andrew all she likes, but I'd like to see her reaction when she gets put up.
Andrew: talking about himself in the third person. Check. Referring to himself as 'Andrew Stone'. Check. Making a complete knob of himself: check. Him to stay, then! Save him. It'll really piss off the others, too. Win/win!

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Listen here, Justin Beiber

Yay! The day they all start fighting. Knew it wouldn't take too long after the 'we all get along so well - everyone in here is so nice' conversation.
Two days in a row now I've heard people say 'shut the front door' instead of 'shut the fuck up.' I prefer 'shut the fuck up.'
I don't think Kirk and Frankie are going to bring out the best in each other. It's like Aden and Anton again: two silly boys pretending to be the big man. Do people really say 'hashtag something'? It's cringier than 'OK.com'. #notdownwiththekids
Where did Jodie Marsh spring from? I think she looks quite cool. I like her hair. I have a soft spot for the Marsh. The bile she brings out in people is inexplicable. She's mad, but she's not bad.
This task is just an excuse for the cameramen to letch over all the bodies, isn't it?
Have you seen Andrew do the splits yet? I haven't!
Jodie Marsh looks tiny! Her face looks alright again now, she doesn't look so botoxed and weird as recentlyand her boobs look more natural, too.
I couldn't eat a raw egg for a million quid. I don't do eggs. I can barely even watch. Why is Nicola McAnnoying retching?
The pose off is going on too long. Zzzz. Should have got Jodie Marsh to have given a powerpoint lecture on animal rights instead.
Aw to them bitching about Andrew being his back! Nicola seems like the instigator. Is he going to become the underdog? The people's champ? He's not going to take it well if they put him up. He's going to have a meltdown.
There's not much to write about these sporty tasks. I prefer the twins moaning about the boys putting their hands down their pants? 'It's disrespectful in front of girls, especially women like us.' Like what?! Joyless slightly melted Barbie dolls?
MM: 'I think people are running out of friendliness.' Nicely put. That's a feeling I know only too well.
I liked it when that twin dissed Kirk and then looked all pleased with herself.
And now a chef is it the house. Remember when Big Brother involved 'no contact with the outside world'? Me neither. Yeah thanks for the food, Aldo, just get us a KFC next time, yeah?
Andrew on the twins: 'I can't work out which one's which.' MM: 'does it matter?' Quite. The Reservoir dog and the dance teacher are a bit of an unlikely friendship. I like Andrew Stone's OTT laugh.
Twinbots: 'we're hot and fit and smart.' And modest, and likeable.
Ah, they're mainlining lager. Let the fighting commence. Those twins are getting loud and sweary because they're drunk. Frankie is going to cry in the DR because they called him Justin Bieber. Oh and no one will shag him.
MM is not appreciating the twap. Who can blame him?
I can't wait to see Nicola hang herself. Georgia doesn't need 'anything about her' when she's got those boobies, you idiot. The way Kirk retold that story about one of the twins telling them to shut up was a complete whitewash. Him and Nicola can both fuck off. The only way is eviction.

Saturday, 7 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: That's Al for you

Oh, they are still putting the names up on the screens! I take it back. We are still being patronised.
I've gone off Natasha Giggs already. She's quite blasé about everything. I liked MM digging her out. He was asking some very personal questions. 'My sister wouldn't do that'. Well, that's what we'd all like to think, isn't it?
Andrew: 'When I perform, I completely forgot I have a profile.' Yeah, right. This is a dude that probably masturbates into a mirror. I've decided he's quite good entertainment, though. He's so ludicrous you just have to go with it. Plus he's going to give me all my blog titles. Oh, he's from Kettering. I used to know a nutter from Kettering (I'm from Northampton). It figures. 'I was born in 1972...' Who talks like this about themselves? Only someone who's making up their age.
Michael Madsen's skin looks like old leather today. I can relate to Romeo feeling upset about wearing silk pyjamas. Silk sheets are gross, you slide all over the place. I bought silk sheets once thinking they'd be romantic and knocked my drink flying three nights in a row. Binned them after that.
I feel sorry for Frankie begging for an invite to the Playboy mansion. What a narrow, sad little world view he has and what a low opinion of women. I watched Jamie East's show and those twins seemed like absolute horrors. Yeah right, they never slept with Hugh Hefner. 'We always had to be smiling.' Yeah, through gritted teeth, right before they sucked the Twiglet of Doom.
What have those twins been arrested for?! Bet it was drunk driving, lol. Denise took so many class A's she thought she'd made an award winning film.
Those twins are wrong 'uns. Hit someone with a beer bottle? They're soulless! This IS like the Priory. LOL to Andrew's X factor story. They should have kept Romeo's suitcase longer.
Andrew Stone's delusions of grandeur are a joy to behold. He truly is a one-off. Argued with his girlfriend indeed! Was he reading her a fairy story at the time?
This task is quite smart as it's encouraging people continue to to dish the dirt on themselves after it finished. Cunning.
It is cowardly writing a letter to tell your husband that you're cheating. But I don't really want to pass judgement too much as that makes me the same as all the misogynists queuing up to lynch her.
The conversation: 'Were they really expensive, your boobs?' 'Ten grand.' makes me weep.
I've been informed the evil twins have bum implants. They should have had personality implants at the same time.
This geography thing makes me ashamed to be human. The fact that he doesn't know where America in is actually disturbing and embarrassing, and a matter for national humiliation. I can't stand this kid. American's are known for their geographical ignorance; we shouldn't be. What a dimlo. If there's one thing I can't stand it's people who are proud of being thick, and that's this Towie lot's currency. That Kirk is so fucking ugly. If he honestly believes that Georgia is going to get off with him, then his next career is teaching geography.
Natalie: the principle characteristic of being a gay guy is sleeping with men, so if he says he's not, then I guess we have to take his word for it, if it makes him happy. Maybe he's gay but he's never had a gay experience. Who knows?
MM's name dropping was legendary. He's so stand-offish and then he just needles secrets out of people or has a brag-fest. Nice.
What is with Nicola digging the dirt on Natasha? I thought she was appalled by the morality, seems like she wants to know every single detail like some sort of pervert.
Kirk: 'are your eyelashes fake, are your boobs fake?' What a way to chat someone up! My boyfriend says whenever he sees someone called Kirk he thinks of Kirk from Corrie. So just think of Kirk from Corrie every time you set eyes on Towie Kirk. Except Kirk from Corrie is more handsome. He's making SUCH a dick of himself. Does he HONESTLY believe she'd get off with him? When he looks in the mirror, what does he see? Because I see a pasty-faced little Crazy Frog lookalike. Bit duff tonight. More booze for the housemates, please.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: You look at things very three dimensionally

Fuck man, someone ticked the box that says 'blah' under my blog. Better up my game! Shall I just go 'I like it! I like it! I like it!' instead? OK I promise, I'll be nice tonight. Hahahaha!
Natalie probably takes her shoes off at home in case someone gets mad and beats her with it. No sharp objects in the Cassidy household. Flip flops only. Bless her though, I still think she did ace. Is she 'the chosen one' now?
I didn't even realise MM was in Free Willy, I thought she was (well, BB was) taking the piss.
What a massive honour to be on BB, Andrew Stone. Yes, that's why Posh and Angelina are sitting in there right now chatting to Cruise and JLo. The celebs are breaking down the proverbial door.
I've decided I don't think I like this rugby dude. He seems like a boring git. I'm basing that on not very much, admittedly, but also my boyfriend read an interview with him and said he came across like an arse.
I read today Nicola Mccuntrag is 28! Is she buggery. I love the twins sitting there stony-faced, like two grumpy plastic book-ends.
I hope the Noirin/Kardashian hybrid has got some character. Please don't let all the pretty girls be vacuous. It's bad for the woman brand.
Natasha: 'ex footballer's wife'. Shouldn't that be 'footballers ex-wife'? I like the way she dealt with Nicola, like she couldn't give two fucks. She might be alright, who knows? Who's going to hold their mealy-mouths shut until we find out?
When Natalie said 'plus size' to the porno twins they looked baffled, like they'd never heard of such a thing. Plus sized? Is that above a size 2? We don't have that on our planet.
Romeo schmoozing Denise Welch. Nice. They're actually doing this 're-cap' bit quite well, they're not labouring it too badly. At least they're giving us little crumbs we hadn't seen before. Have you noticed they're not doing the patronising names on the screen? How will I know who's who? Might have to pay attention! No, mammy!
And these words might come back to haunt me, but I have a feeling I'm going to like Frankie. There: I said it!
I bet Andrew is regretting applying that blusher in Adam Ant style when he's trying to chat up Georgia. 'I'm 39. I'm an old man.' No reaction.
Romeo: I love it when boys call people 'boss' it's really cute. He seems like a decent guy so far.
Andrew is 39, has he mentioned it? He's also 'very straight.' Do straight people need to qualify their straightness by saying 'very' straight? They very don't.
'You look at things three dimensionally.' What the fuck does that mean? Do you need special glasses for that? Andrew truly is the prince of poppycock.
Apparently Gareth's friends with Ryan Giggs. I like Natasha already, she just seems down to earth, which I suppose she would, as she's notorious, not famous.
This task got even worse for poor Natalie! Poor thing.
Loving MM's condom talk. That DR chair is alright, innit. I never got a proper look at it last night.
That's the first time I've seen the twins look animated when they said they might not get their suitcase. I don't think Natalie deserved to fail. She couldn't have done more. Is Romeo too good to be true? Can anyone be that charming and affable? I thought So Solid were all bwad bwoys?
Love Denise flirting with Romeo. Can't wait to see him in Nicola's dressing gown. Wow, MM's pyjamas are amazing. Where would you buy those buggers?
The bedroom looks good. I like the furry throws. I like it, I like it! Etc.
Frankie first in the hot tub! I should think so, my son. Banged any birds yet?
Romeo: 'my swag's gonna be a mess.' Love him commenting on the pyjamas. I like his turn of phrase.
Andrew's 15-year marriage clap for MM was the cringe. Is MM hinting that Andrew should put his clothes away for him? I certainly hope so. Andrew should be MM's bitch. Make yourself useful.
Twin 1 got bored in the Playboy mansion. She's going to get bored in the BB house, then. Moaning about all night parties. Yeah, it's a trial, isn't it? Well, it is when you have to suck that rotten old cock at the end of it, right?
Those sausages look absolutely vile. MM wants paper plates. Does he want someone to squeeze his toothpaste out for him like Prince Charles, too?
I don't think Natasha should over-egg this 'the way I've been portrayed in the media' thing. What you did was shitty, media or no but no one could really give that much of a fuck. I don;t wake up in a cold sweat thinking about Imogen Thomas, let alone Natasha Giggs. Glynn, if anything. Now, just don't mention it and let people get to know you.
I like Denise's pyjamas. Her family were probably worried about her making a twat of herself. They're probably going to be proved right. Actually, I don't mind her thus far. And we all know she gets the party started... sniff! Hey, she can sort Frankie out, they both like a bit of the naughties.
Nicola: 'I tend to act a personality.' What?! Can you imagine saying such a thing? Her whole persona is an act. She's a façade in the shape of a humanoid.
LOL to Romeo in MM's pyjamas. They are proper pimp stylee. So not impressed with this Kirk dude, either. He's not doing it for me in any way shape or form. Especially not when they zoom in on him scratching his nuts.
Liking the series very much so far. From this episode I think Romeo could EASILY win it. Easily. Now, don't do anything to prove me wrong!

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: Launch show

Warning! This blog is homophobic, then sexist, then racist. But as it's all bases covered, I think it cancels itself out. If not, arrest me for hate crimes. I'll go quietly.
Why, Big Brother, back so soon? Thank God, my blog's been deader than the Brand nuptials. Brian is looking quite chic in his leather gloves.
They're getting on with it quick, I love it! No turgid trawls around the house. Davina, you're a dim and distant memory. The house looks good from the little they've shown.
First up: Natalie Cassidy. Trumpet times. I hope they're putting her ex in as well, restraining order permitting. I used to think she was alright but then I watched a show with her in and she was insufferable. What weight is she now, as that's the only currency she sells magazines in. Do you think she's as famous as it's going to get? I do.
They've called her to the Diary Room (DR secret task at the ready!) I hope they're going to give her a trumpet and force her to say she takes it everywhere with her. Oh they've given her an ear piece and they're going to embarrass her. Well she's an actress, she should be able to handle it.
JLO is advertising Fiat now? Ok.
Is Michael Madsen a big druggie, or is that the other one who's dead? Tom Sizemore would have been good. Is he the dead one? I saw him on Celeb Rehab a while back. This guy should be good, looks like he's going to take some names. Loving his blond highlights! Super.
Brian seems to be stuck in an 'I like it' loop. Quick, replace his batteries, or failing that, pull his string.
Lovely shirt Michael's got on. I think Sonia is ingratiating himself with him. I've decided to just call her Sonia, it's easier. Welcome pack times! Michael: 'it's a good gig'. He's here for the cash, obv. Friends with Vinnie Jones? I hope he's not going to commandeer the kitchen and get beaten by a snowman-destroying orange bonehead like the V man. Actually, that was ace.
OMG Andrew (gall) Stone! Really? I can't stand this twonk. That really is beyond the pale. He's already said about fifteen cliches in a row. A tenner on MM to knock his block off. Do you mind if I call Michael Madsen MM because I always have to think how to spell Michael, it's like a mental hole in my brain. Let's do nicknames for everyone, that won't be confusing, will it? Looks like they've been using the same Sun-In as him, too. Andrew actually looks better than I've ever seen him look before. He is a total bender though, I don't care what anyone says. I just ran the phrase 'total bender' past a member of the LGBT community and apparently it's completely unacceptable, even when you use it about a closet case. I take it back. I actually feel like Andrew's a bit low rent for Big Brother. Low rent for Big Brother! Can you imagine?
Brian: 'I like that!' Is he nervous or what? I hope someone's told him off in the break.
Next up are some siblings who have both sucked Hugh Hefner's grisly old cock. Their noses look a bit peculiar, too. I'm sure they're lovely girls, though. Great personalities.
Hold on, why didn't BB make Sonia have a go at Andrew Stone? Too easy?
I bet those twins have never seen someone as ugly as Natalie Cassidy. They normally have to get paid to hang around people that disgusting. Well they're getting paid, but at least they're not having to fuck someone for it.
Frankie is going to wind me up something chronic but he's going to be an entertaining housemate because of that. Tonight's going to be a good, good night! Shagging birds! Phwoar! Skinny jeans! Boooooooo! I think he might even be too much of a caricature for me to get annoyed with him. It's like getting annoyed at Rugrats.
Frankie: 'I'm not fussy.' LOL. That must be a comfort to all the 'birds' he's 'shagged'.
Michael to Frankie: 'that's quite a hairdo you've got there.' Indeed.
Andrew Stone smarming up to Frankie Cocozza must be a new low on NATIONAL television. Desperation!
Natalie is actually being a good sport. OK, I'll call her Natalie whilst she's being cool, when she's being a dick again, it's back to Sonia, and back on the naughty step with the trumpet. Kissing Frankie! Well, he said he wasn't fussy.
The two Barbies look stiff as a board. You probably have to stick some money in a slot at the back of their necks every half an hour to reanimate them.
Well, so far in this blog I've been homophobic and sexist. Hopefully they'll put a black person in in a minute so I can do the full Diane Abbott.
The line up is actually looking quite good so far.
Ah, the first outwardly gay rugby player. He can give Andrew a talking to about coming out of the closet. Sportspeople aren't very interesting though, are they? It's all about eating raw eggs and having to win everything. I can't be bothered with it. Him and Michael to chum up as the alpha males.
I think Brian is on a secret host task to say he loves everything, bless him. He's cracking under the pressure.
I HATE Nicola Mclean. Anorexic, thick, bitchy, acrylic hair, she's just a waste of what little space she's still taking up. I can't STAND people who don't let their husbands see them without their make-up on, crazy Stepford wife behaviour. I like the fact Nicola called Natalie 'Sonia from Eastenders', though. The ultimate diss. Still, at least 'Sonia from Eastenders' is a real job that requires talent. I don't like the impression that Nicola made already coming in and 'fuming' about not being given booze. What a harridan.
They should have made Natalie say something nasty to Nicola like 'your tan is streaky' or 'your boob job is really good.' I think Natalie really hates her. And who wouldn't? Is Sonia going to end up becoming my hero?
You could tell MM liked Frankie as soon as he came in. You know when you just see someone and know they're a bit of rough like you? I think it was like that.
I don't know who people off TOWIE are because if I want to watch bad acting, I just stick Eastenders on and wait for a Moon to come on the screen. I hate the fact these Towie people are on everything because they're thick and uninteresting. It was bad enough when we had to suffer through Jack Tweed and his magnetic armpit of a personality.
Next up is the Bobby Sable of the group, Kim Kardashian lookalike 'swimwear model' someone something or other. Did Brian Dowling just call her 'it'? He's on fire tonight, he's more offensive than I am! My boyfriend just said Brian 'looks like a murderer from the 1800s in that outfit.'
Too many dolly 'birds' in that house. Where are the intellectuals?! Failing that, where's the male totty? (My principles are reasonably flexible)
They've changed the bath. It's not 'the shape of an egg t.m' anymore!
It's going to be like Heathers in there with all the Barbie's teaming up against Natalie's natural grotbagsness. Fight the plastics!
A few Big Brother topics are finally trending on Twitter! It's a miracle.
Next up: Natasha Giggs. Is she a celebrity? Booooooo, burn the witch! Slut! Etc. It IS wrong that someone is 'famous' for sleeping with someone. But it's BB who's put her in there. And what's wronger will be the outpouring of anti-female hate we'll have to hear for the next three weeks. At least she looks like a real person. LOL her mum has to tape it and censor it before her babies see it 'because they don't need to know about Uncle Ryan' says my boyfriend. The hate is beginning right on this sofa!
LOL to Nicola going 'I shouldn't have made judgements'. Her feet must be getting tired from all that back-peddling.
I thought Romeo from So Solid Crew was Alesha Dixon's ex. But that's Harvey. Harvey is a hottie. This guy, not so much. OK here's my final offensive thing for the full house: how come black people can say 'tasks' but not 'ask'? Have I taken it too far now? I will issue a full Twitter apology tomorrow. No I'll issue it right now. I'm not a racist!
Romeo's real name is Marvin Dawkins. Ace. I will endeavour to call him that from time to time. He seems very charming. 21 seconds to go, etc.
What did MM just whisper to Romeo? 'There's a lot of chickens in here...' Romeo: 'say no more'. The plot thickens! I loved that exchange.
That's mean of Big Brother to say to Natalie 'tell them you do a lot of modelling'. She looked really embarrassed. I don't like them humiliating her like that, it's unnecessary as she probably feels self-conscious in that house full of dollies anyway. Slapped wrist, BB. I love the blank looks from the Americans about Eastenders. Sonia: 'Eastenders is like Dallas.'
Denise Welch! I know for a FACT she's still a massive cokehead. Don't ask me how I know, but I know someone who knows. *taps nose* Allegedly, in case she sues me. I hope that's not real fur. It doesn't really look like it as it's a bit ratty, hardly Kelly Rowland-esque (I'm still joking, I don' t support animal cruelty, or racism, or oppression in any form. Except against Towie cast members.)
They should make Natalie say something mean about Denise's coat. Aw, holding hands is too cute. Let the chickens cluck! I'm surprised no one has twigged she's on a task. I think Natalie did brilliant. She's earned her keep. Crying is not that weird in the Big Brother house. Rebeckah (remember her?) cried when she first walked in. I can see Natalie and Denise being mates. They're both common as muck.
This flashback at the end is weird. It's been so good this season! Nah, the line up is alright, but could have done with one handsome indie boy. Now where is that crumb of live feed they've promised us?