Wednesday, 31 October 2007

Corrie: Sarah's Wedding/ David's Dunking

I LOVED the revival of the Wannadies You and Me song as David drove his car into the canal. Ahhh- it takes me back to the good old Richard Hillman days. Do you think David kept that tape after Richard drove it into the canal last time? Do you think it was dredged back up with Hillman's body?
I also LOVED also Sarah's determination to marry at whatever cost! As the owner of several wayward family members, I can fully understand her ripping up David's suicide note and getting on with things! You go, girl! Don't let the bastards drag you down. Love will find a way.
I thought Sarah had on slightly too much eyeliner for a white wedding; I know it's halloween but it was a bit goth. Her hair looked awful too. Maria looked miles better.
Jason was well out of order not doing a speech! Fuck David! He's the spawn of Satan.
Gail's spaced out crying was terrifying. She is part human, part ET. What sick womb could produce Sneddon-faced David and the doll-pretty Sarah? Oh I forgot, it's not real.
Oh my God, I can't believe Gail's reaction when David turned up! Sarah was right to go mental! I'd fucking kick the shit out of that rat-faced little cunt. I'd disown the fucking lot of them if I was Sarah.
Satan is back in the fold! Gullible fools!

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

6ixth Sense with Colin Fry

It is offensive to the eye and mind to even write 'sixth' like that, but what can you do? I'm only copying it!
Having recently read Derren Brown's Trick of the Mind, I thought I'd take a quick peek at this show which I haven't watched in years. First off, the theme music makes me want to vomit. Secondly, Colin Fry talks in a little baby voice to you. He should just wear a badge saying 'trust me!' as he makes his sweeping generalisations until someone gullible bites.
There is something enduringly creepy about Colin Fry, his little weaselly face silently pleads to be punched. He looks like he's about to sell you a cut-and-shut car. And in many ways, he is. Except it's a lie about your dead child, which is probably worse.
I used to go out with a avid fan of Most Haunted and I have read up on my Fortean Times (oh, how I miss it), so I am also aware of Colin Fry's dubious history (see: the floating trumpet incident where he was caught waving it round in his hand whilst pretending it was moving paranormally in the dark). Apparently you can't get struck off from being a psychic though. Shame.
There is something grotesque about watching him grope for information, and when the grieving relative has to confirm how accurate it is at the end, it looks as if they may have a gun to their head. It is also offensive when the person says 'there is no way he could have known that' because they actually believe that, and Derren has proved again and again that it can be faked.
I wish people would research their wishy-washy theories a bit more, not because I want to kill magic (I totally believe in aliens) but just because their arguments for the defense are so crap and i get frustrated arguing with them.
I love the disclaimer at the end of the show: this is an entertainment programme and the content should not be construed as advice, counselling, suggestions, or fact. But moments before I heard Colin Fry's psychic buddy saying 'tell her not to go to the graveyard when it's cold or raining.' That sounds like a suggestion to me. Perhaps the disclaimer would be more truthful if it said, 'this is fiction'.

Sunday, 28 October 2007

Pushing Daisies

Another download off the internet: this American TV show about a guy who can bring people back to life, but if he touches them again, he kills them. I normally avoid American TV shows like the plague (except Medium and Curb) but thought this one had a Medium style feel about it.
The sets were really cool on this programme, it looked like a cross between a Dr. Seuss/ Tim Burton film and was shot beautifully. No expense was spared. The characters were good fun, and I was surprised to see Anna Friel turn up in it. I normally can't be doing with her, but she looked stunning in this and her American accent wasn't half bad (her teeth were a bit too white for my liking though). The main guy in it was a bit like a young George Clooney (if you like that sort of thing) and he had a comedy black sidekick (how unusual!)
The storyline was cute and a bit different, with the main dude (the pie man) saving his childhood friend Anna Friel from death, but as a result he can't kiss or hug her ever or he will kill her again. It's quite an unusual twist. Some of the dialogue was a bit clunky, but on the whole, it's worth a look, as it's bound to come on TV over here eventually.
The weirdest part of the whole shebang was the story seemed to be narrated by that E4/ Little Britain voiceover guy. I swear he's everywhere at the moment. I half expect him to pop up and narrate my journey to work.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

X Factor- 2nd Week

The Sharon drama wasn't worth acknowledging, as if anyone seriously thought she wouldn't be back. Dermot appeared to have had his eyebrows shaved off. Dannii looked quite nice except from her melted nose.
First up was Hope, whom Simon had decreed would destroy feminism via their underwear for the sake of cheap entertainment. Why? Their voices are alright. Why make a 16 year old cavort around in her undies on telly? Of course, I know why. Still: lowest common denominator. Plus, a couple of them are dead ropey.
Leon looked wooden and scared stiff. Still, I love his manky teeth and little legs and I thought his voice was strong (which no one even commented on). He just needs a confidence boost. Louis acted like a little toad, shamelessly plugging Cuntlife.
Beverley had her make-up done by Barbie but sang well. Alisha said she came as 'the black Minnie Mouse' (is the usual Minnie Mouse white?) She was still uninspiring, bring back Mingberley!
The creepy gurning siblings were holding hands! Yuck! She is a worse singer than him. They are like a couple of nodding dogs waiting for a bone. Louis was cruel to them though: he doesn't like camp? Could have fooled me.
Rhydian was world class: a world class cunt.
Emily was lucky to escape the chop again, and had clearly been styled by the person who used to be let loose on Kate Thornton. They are trying to make her look like a child with all the stupid badges and that but she just ends up looking fugging stupid. Get rid!
Futureproof: good voices, strange faces. Andy- not exactly John Travolta. He's too stoned-looking to do that crazy dancing. He just looked like he'd been in a minor electrocution incident.
Dead Dad was good, and as she didn't mention her dead dad for the first time EVER, I will call her Niki again. Only on a trial basis, mind.
Daniel DeNickyClarke was pretty awful, but his song was utterly shit. Still, I don't feel sorry for him. He was up his own arse. Still think Alisha should have gone; oh well, there's always next week. I'm feeling bored already.

Kristeen Young kicked off Morrissey Tour

I was very disappointed to read about Kristeen Young being kicked off the Moz tour for saying 'Morrissey gives good head... I mean, cunnilingus.' For fucks sake! So what?
I haven't read any of the comments on Morrissey Solo because I know they will aggravate me. Because everyone has hated her for the entire tour, but they've hated her mainly because Morrissey loved her (and because she's a woman).
I didn't like her music, but I liked her style and I liked the way Morrissey was so passionate about her, and I liked the fact she was different. For him to fire her for a flippant comment makes me feel simultaneously let down yet unsurprised with him. I know he protects him privacy fiercely but can't he take a joke? He dishes it out left right and centre (beautifully, of course, see his comment about Judy Finnigan being Richard Madeley's mum, for example). If she had said something deliberately hurtful or rude I'd say fine, but it sounds to me like it was just a glib comment.
It's not just that either. If she had been just some band that Morrissey had as a support, then it would seem less unkind. But he has bigged Kristeen up so much. I have heard him talk about her in the most gushing terms, as if he absolutely adored her. Is he so unforgiving? Of course I know he is unforgiving, but usually with good reason.
Also, check out how stiffly the NME reported this: 'Although she does not confirm what she said onstage, internet reports say that it directly relates to Morrissey in a sexual manner.' That's a little coy isn't it? Don't pussyfoot around for fuck's sake, you nearly ran him out of the country a while back. She mentioned SEX! And?
I wonder which part Morrissey was most offended by: the head or the cunnilingus? He really needs to lighten up. It hurts me to challenge him, because he truly is my idol, but he is SO flawed. I love his flaws but this is just ridiculous.
Doubting Morrissey makes me doubt myself. And I don't like it. But I'm not one of these Morrissey fans who will blindly defend him: I know what he is like. I still love him.
Kristeen: at least you had a good run with him. Don't forget the good stuff. He is a fucked-up bunny. But he's brilliant. Brilliant but a little bit evil.

Friday, 26 October 2007

Panorama- Kidnapped: The Alan Johnston Story

Another wild Friday night for me watching this interview, not even on TV, but on the BBC website. Alan Johnston is an incredibly calm, strong and intelligent man. He is to be admired.
He was kidnapped for 114 days with just a plastic chair for company. It was the little details about his story that made it interesting: the fact he was kidnapped with no glasses on, for example; that would be my worst nightmare. But maybe it would be more bearable for such horrific things to be blurry, fuzzy round the edges.
The kidnappers did allow him out of the room occasionally. Hearing he was dead on the radio, seeing his dad appealing for him on TV; watching a football match; what were the chances that he would get the chance to see or hear these things? They must have been life affirming experiences.
The moment when he was released was incredibly moving: just that word 'free' had such resonance. How must he have felt with those cameras flashing in his face, surrounded by guns? What an amazing sight. How wonderful to have some good news for once.
I hope he means it when he says he won't put himself in danger again!
Right. Now I'm gonna go watch Jordan and Peter.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Eastenders: Once you start lying, keep lying

After the recent excitement of Ian's beard Eastenders hit a new low last week, followed by tonight's half hour of torture (lessened by my trusty Sky Plus).
Last week over-actors anonymous failed to sign up Roxy (and her nylon hair), Billy and the new post-obsessed family leaving us to cringe through a lot of interminable dialogue about nothing. This new asian family really are dreadful, not one personality between four of them. I mean, why? She's a nagging harpy. Plus she looks old enough to be his mum.
Bradley's (new, so I'm told) mum seems to have one eyebrow permanently stapled into the surprised position. She is also unpleasant to watch, as is chav child's dad (what happened to Bert? please don't come back). His storyline (whatever it is) is uninteresting. So uninteresting I fast forwarded it all.
Where the hell has Phil gone??? Come back! Sort it aht! Where's Ben? Did they lock him in a cupboard? Hopefully he'll come back hot.
Patrick- don't care. Fat girl- don't care. Call that a cliff-hanger??? Fuck me. Dig up Dennis. Please!
One good thing: I liked Sean Slaters advice to Peggy: 'Once you start lying, keep lying.' You don't get that sort of insight from a fortune-cookie.

Monday, 22 October 2007

Stereophonics: Pull the Pin

In the name of journalism (well, bloggerism) I just listened to the new Stereophonics album so you don't have to. Well, I listened to the first 30 seconds of each song, does that count? Don't be fooled by the cliched but quite jaunty cover: you aren't going to get a big lipsticky kiss, you're gonna get your soul sapped.
It still makes me sad, just because I LOVED their debut album so much. Local Boy In a Photograph can still make me cry if it's a bad day. A Thousand Trees was an amazing, singalong debut single. Performance and Cocktails was also a great pop album. I wish Kelly Jones had died shortly after that, and then I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed if the Stereophonics show up on my I recall one heady night with my flatmate smashing up the JEEP CD with a hammer. Oh, the days before downloading. We meant to post it back to them, but it wasn't really worth the stamp.
It makes me genuinely sad that Kelly Jones is such a cunt. He has the best eyebrows. It also makes me sad that he used to have such a cool voice but now he just sounds like a whiny, petulant, droney numbskull over some horrible guitars. Worse: he's now going all 'political' (i.e. sweeping statements that any Sun reader could put more eloquently).
The songs range from dirgy rock to dirgy tuneless ballad-y one. That's your lot. There is so little to differentiate them. I tried, honest. Oh, OK, 'I could lose ya' included the words 'you could go down on me in a theatre' last used by Alanis Morissette, another famous cunt. Absolutely awful.
I cannot believe this band still has fans, I really can't. It doesn't deserve them. Now I have to go listen to something else, quick. It's the aural equivalent of getting touched up on the tube.

Sunday, 21 October 2007

Film Review: Premonition

Being away for the weekend you end up watching films you wouldn't normally watch and so I found myself with my mum and her partner watching Premonition with Sandra Bullock. I've always quite liked Sandra Bullock but lets face it, she's not exactly in very exciting films and she's not exactly an Oscar-winning talent either. But hey ho. Apparently the trailer looked good.
The plot was basically that Sandra Bullock and Dannii Monogue's ex-husband lived out in the woods, eating squirrels. She dreamt that her husband was going to die and had to decide whether to let him or not (as he was a bit of an arse). For a schlocky thriller it sure was a confusing film for the first 45 minutes. It was kind of like Groundhog Day mixed with Memento. When it finally fell into place, it did make sense but until then it was like 'oh is she going to wake up and it's all a dream' as in all the very worst stories you wrote when you were a kid.
Sandra Bullock's acting ranged from slightly frowning to really frowning. The story was kind of ridiculous, but I guess it's good they didn't go for the obvious ending.
All in all not the worst way to kill a Saturday afternoon, but it added nothing to my life.
(They liked it though)

Saturday, 20 October 2007

X Factor: First Live Show- 'Like Eating Water for Dinner'

And so the X Factor finals begin. Dermot looked quite hot, even with a slightly Hitler-esque side parting. First on was Kimberley, looking like Marylin Monroe after 10 pints. Simon appeared to be having a hot flush for the first quarter of an hour of the show; either that or he'd hoovered up a sackful of cocaine before the opening credits. Next was Andy, who had clearly been practising smouldering in front of a mirror, but was let down by his comedy eyebrow movements and helmet hair. Futureproof had on their future-proof jackets, but failed to dazzle. Beverley had on a wig. Leon was absoloutely dreadful, like a manic puppet but still looked hot as hell. Emily looked like she'd been dressed in the dark by Kelly Osbourne. Also, cheer the fuck up!
Same Difference: does the world need another Steps? This is a rhetorical question. They're a pair of gonks, aren't they? Dead-dad surprised me by being the best of the night but still managed to shoehorn her dead dad into conversation three times in one thirty second intro clip. Alisha was dullsville, but I didn't think Daniel aka Clicky Nark was as bad as they said, despite having the cold dead eyes of a fish.
I was hoping people had left the thorns in the roses they chucked at Rhydian.
(No) Hope were alright vocally, except they look like a bunch of town centre bacardi-breezer swilling hussies.
Sharon is still the best of the judges, Louis is a weasel, Dannii is pointless, and Simon rocks, coke-binge or not.
It was a travesty Kimberley went, she was fun if nothing else. Alisha is kinda boring. I enjoyed Kimberley going 'oh fuck' after her performance and Sharon stomping off in a huff. Bring on the drama!

Friday, 19 October 2007

Trisha Goddard: Owls are ruining my life!

I'm going away this weekend (to me ma's!) so I had today off, and oh, what a treat daytime TV is. Trisha has given up talking to rabid chavs and now takes on more 'serious issues'. A woman who is scared of owls! She can't go outside at night because of it! Seriously, when was the last time you saw an owl? I went to London Zoo and I still never fucking saw one.
People give her owl ornaments to frighten her. I love owls! Send them to me!
Then that sadistic bitch Trisha played an owl hooting into the studio which made the poor woman cry.
The woman also apparently 'lived in the woods'. Who lives in the woods (except Moon Face)? No one does! This is pure stupidness.
Then after a few minutes of 'brain re-wiring' (i.e. bullshit) Bob's your uncle, and by the end of the show she was fellating an owl on stage.
Trisha, you truly are an angel from heaven.

Thursday, 18 October 2007

Dispatches- Abortion: What we need to Know

Well, this programme nailed it's colours to the mast pretty early on with it's opening statement. It was an extremely biased piece of programming from start to finish.
Who is the 'we' that needs to know? Women? Or just people who want to tell women what to do?
It was gross even having a woman narrating it, women don't normally get to narrate serious documentaries, of course. It's just a piece of emotive trickery.
Foetal pain, spine and skulls being crushed all sounds horrific. But what is the Ialternative? Really, what is it? Do we put unborn children before sentient women? Is a woman's biological ability to breed more important than their mental health? Is this the dark ages?
I felt sick with anger the shots of the digital images of the foetus in the womb because that is something amazing and beautiful being used as propaganda against women. The whole 'pain' aspect is completely irrelevant to me: the same people who oppose abortion don't care about killing a cow to make a burger, they feel pain too. But the right of the HUMAN is seen as priority. Why not in this case? The foetus is UNBORN. The woman is the human. Can't we show her compassion?
The fact is, women only have very late abortions for the most horrific of reasons. It's not done casually at this stage, and it's only 1% of the abortion statistics. These women shouldn't be demonised, or made to feel guilty. Those women must go through hell.
They don't need some squirrel-faced Christian do-gooder MAN judging them. It's 'barbaric' (to use his words) to force women to give birth to babies they don't want. Who's going to bring the baby up? The woman will be written off as a single mother and therefore scum. Or if she gives it to the state, then god help it. But they don't think up to this point do they? It's all just dogmatically focused on this foetus.
The documentary stopped even pretending to be scientific halfway though and just went for full on emotive claptrap. I'd like to punch those people outside the Marie Stopes clinic, telling me what the 'bottom line' is. No, here's the bottom line:
If I was pregnant, and there was no abortion (which is where all this is heading, make no mistake, this is using science by stealth to erode women's rights) I wouldn't go get a backstreet abortion, I'd jump off a cliff. There. I get the final say. It's my body. I'm not an incubator. End of story. Bottom line. My life. My body.
interviewing a 16 year old who decided to keep her baby: well good for her! When her baby is 16, she'll be 32. What education will she have? How many books has she read, places has she seen? What does a 16 year old have to teach a child? Which is the greater tragedy?
Worse than that was the footage they showed of abortions which made me feel physically sick. Proper horror movie stuff. Was that supposed to sway me? It just made me feel more certain that I'm right that the pro-life side has to be so vulgar.
One in three women will have an abortion at some point. There will always be stupid kids who take it lightly, but most women don't, and most do not need to be made to feel any guiltier than they already do.
I really hate it too when they speak to women who've had abortions and regretted it. Because there are many, many more who don't look back. And how dare you try and take away our rights, something that you made use of? It was your decision.
I think I only heard the word 'woman' mentioned about twice in this whole programme.
PS. I implore you all to read this article for what we REALLY need to know about abortion; it's so well written, and really admirable, I just found it to be a revelation:

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe

I write about enough dross so I might as well write about something to be treasured. Criminally squirrelled away on BBC4 Charlie Brooker's Screenwipe is probably the best thing on telly. I love everything about Charlie Brooker: Nathan Barley, his columns, his scrabulous addiction, and the fact he replied to my message on myspace (OK, I'm not stalking him, honest). Charlie Brooker says almost everything I think except for about 100 times funnier, more intelligent and angry.
In the mildly crappily-named Screenwipe Charlie rants over clips and attempts to tell us something we don't know about the TV industry, so as well as having a laugh, you also learn something. Last week I learnt that American news is FUCKING TERRIFYING. It really had to be seen to be believed. I can't get over what I saw, the newsreader basically saying all Iraqis were terrorists and when his guest tried to disagree he was like 'cut his mike'. Freedom of speech! Not on that channel.
He also seems to watch a LOT of TV that I watch. My Super Sweet 16! A girl crying because her mum had bought her a Lexus but gave it to her before her actual birthday!
Charlie even almost ruined America's Next Top Model for me tonight! I enjoyed his dressing up as Jay at the end, too.
On a completely unrelated note, what is going on with Charlie and Ashleeeeeen? I like their unlikely friendship. I want to form an unlikely friendship with someone. Perhaps an evangelical Christian.
if you don't have BBC4, watch clips on You Tube or read Charlie's columns (see my links). You're lucky I have such good taste and can pass it your way, really.

Monday, 15 October 2007

Corrie/ Enders: Tank-tops and Beards

It's Monday night again, a night filled with America's Next top Model, downloaded Curb Your Enthusiasm and of course, a soap triple whammy. No need to turn your brain on whatsoever. Hurrah.
I was quite looking forward to Todd and his rosy cheeks returning, but unfortunately he'd put on about three stone and turned up shoehorned into a tank top, looking like a bloated Will Young. But then he took his top off and didn't look as fat as his face suggested. He's one of those fat face/ thin body people. I'm the other way round, as you know.
He also appeared to have had a complete personality change. I preferred him moody. Moody and skinny, like all the best men.
Hmm. I liked the bit at the end where Sarah went outside and screamed. I feel like doing that a lot.
So onto Enders, where Jane got shot. Her just-got-shot acting was enough to put you off your dinner. Shot or the rest of your life with Ian? Hmm, it's a close one. I liked Ian's beard though. It was an improvement. Is that wrong?
I can't work out which is the more satanic of the Beale offspring: Lucy, Stephen, Peter or Bobby. I think maybe Bobby, he looks a bit like Liz Hurley's giant devil child. Does Lucy not care about Jane at all? She is one hard bitch. I wouldn't cross her. She's keeping it gangsta!
I liked Ian's use of the word 'socking' instead of fucking. I might start slipping that into conversation. I thought Ian's acting was quite good, or maybe it was just that Stephen's was godawful. Stephen would be out-acted by Max's guinea-pig hugging, spontaneously-singing daughter any day of the week.
'She could have been in Harrods or Pound Stretcher, she still would have died.' said Ian of Cindy. They have funny names for hospitals in New Zealand, don't they?
The end was quite touching with Ian crying because he'd run out of sweets in the glove box. Is Jane gonna die? I don't read the soap spoiler so I don't know these things.
Oh and that Pat/ Wizard of Oz subplot was fucking dreadful. I'd rather have seen a subplot involving Peggy looking out the window at two cats fighting, or Phil having a dream about a killer squirrel.
They deffo need more dream sequences in Eastenders ala Bouncer in Neighbours. Sort it!
And then back to Corrie. I love it when they have a fight in the street! Class. I want Gail and Eileen to have a proper bitch fight again. I liked Eileen smirking at Sarah-Lou's misfortune and I liked Sarah calling David Donnie Darko. I loved the end with Sarah freaking out, proper funny, and Todd in that ridiculous cardigan.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Film Review: Superbad

We watched Superbad tonight which was not my first choice (my first choice would have been the new vampire film with Josh Hartnett- drool!). As a general rule of thumb I'm not keen on American comedies but I always give them another chance, hoping they might be as good as Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies. Yet they never are.
I found the main character in this physically repulsive, which you were probably meant to, but it was just too much; he looked like Humpty Dumpty with an afro. I found the first part of the film very slow, childish, and quite offensive at times. And I'm not easily offended. But the word 'pussy' really offends me for some reason and I'm not going to apologise for it. I know it's meant to be about teenage boys and all that stuff, but there is still something unsettling at girls laughing at women being objectified (I know, I really need to lighten up).
There was also a scene where he got period blood on his trousers and it was completely the wrong colour. Did they not have any female producers? (I'm guessing not, actually)
Apart from these minor niggles, I quite enjoyed the film. I liked both of the other characters, especially McLovin and his adventure with the two cops, which was extremely funny. I liked the geeky best friend, who really reminded me of someone but I can't think who. It was quite touching at the end and I'm sure teenage virgins will love it. I'm just not the right demographic, i.e. a female with a brain.
Can i watch something intellectual next time?

Monday, 8 October 2007

Louis Theroux: Under the Knife

It's always good to see Louis Theroux back on our screens, and I heartily enjoyed last night's subject matter, especially since I used to work for a plastic surgeons, as a bookings co-ordinator/ receptionist. We had a surgeon who could put breast implants in in 20 minutes, and like the practice Louis went to, the main receptionist had taken FULL advantage of all the procedures. I was never tempted. If I'd stayed there for years, though, who knows? Working in that environment does normalise surgery, and vanity. And it does take some of the fear away... although less when you see how many re-dos of bodge jobs are carried out on a weekly basis.
The receptionist at the surgery that Louis visited had a tummy tuck which left her with a bloody great scar that looked like she'd been cut in half and a deformed belly button. And she was happy with that. She was mutilated!
Like many other people, I initially half saw this show as an excuse for Louis to get liposuction. I mean, he didn't have to go the whole hog, did he? The surgeon decided Louis had flabby flanks (he didn't) and that he was disproportionate and it couldn't be solved by diet and exercise (it could have in about two weeks).
But you have to give him credit for asking the surgeon why he'd chosen plastic surgery as a career over saving lives whilst the surgeon was operating on him. However, he did rather dance round asking them the obvious question: do you do it just for the money? But he did get the surgeons to admit that they were feeding a superficial lifestyle, designed to make normal people feel insecure about their appearance.
Then there was a woman who's boyfriend had left her, she had plastic surgery and he came back to her! Wow, how romantic. Then when they were marking her up like a cow at the butchers Louis said, 'dont you feel objectified?' That's what offends me most about plastic surgery, that you just become a piece of meat, to be cut and prodded.
Louis also met two men who had pec implants and both ended up looking like they had boobs! And bicep implants! It's just cheating. I really feel it's cheating. (Oh and they had plastic death-masks)
Ultimately I think surgery, like tattoos is a slippery slope and people can get hooked. But unlike tattoos, you can actually die from surgery. So will we see Louis with a perfect little button nose on the future? How freaky would that be?

X Factor: The Final Twelve

The X Factor last night was a big old weep fest. I was soooo happy that Dannii put the cut-price Josh Hartnett through (Leon) even though he can't sing that well. He's my favourite (cos I fancy him). I like Andy as well, but Rhydian? It should have been the cute little black kid who Louis liked.
Sharon cocked up too in my opinion. She definitely should have put in the little girl with the braces though. I was glad she put her with the afro and technicolour eyeshadow through, though. I like her (not enough to remember her name, obviously).
I was surprised by Simon's choices. I really wanted the geeks to go through and thought that Ghostt (their spelling error, not mine) had good voices. Instead he puts through the sinister Steps siblings and two groups of mangled together rejects (although the girls have half decent voices).
Louis had a barrel to scrape from and scrape it he did with the fair choices of the Nicky Clarke orphan,and the nice teacher woman, and then Mrs. Dead Dad (mentions of the dead dad so far... 60 billion).
But despite the constant hammering of these common-or-garden sob stories, the real joy and sorrow comes from the emotion displayed when they come through the doors and tell their assorted relatives that they have or have not made it. It's proper tearjerker territory.
And then! The errant Sisi got kicked out of the girl band for having a criminal conviction. They didn't tell us what it was, but I guessed assault, and sure enough, she beat up a McDonlads worker and failed to do her community service. Class!
So there's one very happy person dishing out Big Macs tonight. That's just the way it goes. But sometimes it goes the other way too.
Leon to win!

Saturday, 6 October 2007

Morrissey Assaulted by Fan

Well the pictures tell the story better than I could, and this whole event has sparked off a lot of discussion on Morrissey Solo. I have really mixed feelings on this. Comments ranging from 'good on her' to 'I'm jealous' I can relate to, but we also have to keep in mind that it IS a sexual assault.
Morrissey does have a long standing tradition of being groped and clung to by stage invaders, but he's getting on now, she can't fight them off fast enough! Joking aside, if it was a woman on stage and a male fan did that, there would be an uproar, so why should it be any different? Getting to tongue Morrissey is not part of your ticket price. Getting snogged by a complete stranger must make you feel pretty horrible, especially if you don't even fancy people of that sex. The pictures are amusing, and fascinating in a way (I've never seen Morrissey locking lips with anyone) but morally it is wrong. She has crossed the line.
A few people also commented that Morrissey 'looked like he enjoyed it' which is also beside the point and a dangerous argument, as it legitimises invading people's personal space, as they might like it. Equally, the might not. They still deserve a say in the matter.
So she got her five minutes of fame, but Morrissey had the last word, stating the person that she tasted like they'd been siphoning jet fuel from a 747.
But it STILL would have been worth it (but it's still wrong).

Jonathan Ross: Plastic Fantastic

Wow, what was going on with Jro's guests this week? Had the make-up artists gone botox crazy? Michelle Pfeiffer looked pretty stapled but still pretty. Chris Moyles appeared to have no wrinkles on his fat, cunty forehead. But the biggest Mickey Rourke impersonator had to be Ewan Mcgregor, not even 40 (surely) and looking more plastic than his Star Wars action figure. Like not even slightly: this was full on melting territory. He looked like Eddie Izzard's dad. Oh and he was on with that other boring geezer who he rides motorbikes with. Bothered. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Michelle: boring. Chris Moyles: obnoxious fat prick. Saviour of fuck bloody all. Ewan McGregor (plus his bitch): no one gives a fuck about your latest motorcycle ride.
The best thing on Jro is always Mr Pickles, his pug dog and his little woolly balaclava. Wrinkles rock.

Friday, 5 October 2007

Celebrity Wife Swap: the Aftermath

OK I'm watching this almost a week late cos I'm drunk and there's nothing on. Do you think there's scope for a 'Wife Swap: the Aftermath' Aftermath, where they watch the Aftermath show and comment on it?
I was really revolted by whatsherface referring to herself as 'a bird'. I know she does Page 3, but I credited her with a smidgen of intelligence. There is something really revolting about that mentality (of making women less than human) which should be stamped upon by women. Any woman referring to herself as a 'bird' is culpable in all forms of women being treated as second-rate citizens.
On the other side of the fence was Pete Burns back in Pete Burns cunty mode, calling Leah 'a silly bitch' and taking control of his boyfriend again. Sigh. I'd hoped he'd learnt something. Then when face to face with Razor and his 'bird' he backed right down. Pathetic.
Then when Leah saw the footage of Razor reading her a poem, she went 'what you being all girlie for?' as if 'girlie' was weak, and a bad thing. What a fucked-up anti-feminist mentality. Then she goes 'what's an alpha male?' I mean, they even explain what an alpha male is on Big Brother. Does she not read the paper?
For anyone who thinks the battle is won: it isn't. And here's the proof.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Film Review: The Hottest State

I'd been looking forward to this film, an adaptation of Ethan Hawke's first novel for quite some time. Put it this way, I'm glad I didn't read the book or I would have given up after ten minutes. Largely plotless, it focussed on the relationship between Micheal (supposedly a young Ethan I guess, but he looked way too much like Paul Kaye for my liking) and Sarah, his girlfriend. Although similar in style to the amazing Richard Linklater movies Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, it lacked a lot of the charm, and I found the characters pretty much unlikable. Throw in a bunch of pretentious supporting characters, a plodding plot, and some slightly ropey dialogue and you get mildly bored.
There were some good points to the film, namely Ethan being in it, and some very spot on observations about the nature of heartbreak, the pain of someone you love turning into a different person, and absent fathers/ drunk mothers. There were certainly many parts you could relate to, and some touching moments. I think the main problem was it felt about half an hour too long. Also, WHY did she fall out of love with him? But maybe that was the point, sometimes you just don't know. And there's fuck all you can do about it.
If anyone has read the book and found it a rip-roaring read, do let me know.

Wednesday, 3 October 2007

Jean Charles de Menezes

I remember the day Jean Charles de Menezes was killed surprisingly well for someone who can't remember what she did last weekend half the time. I remember people saying 'good' when the news trickled through that the police had shot a terrorist. I remember the stories of how he ran from the police, vaulted the barrier, and was wearing a bulky, padded jacket.
Except, as we later discovered, it was all a load of bollocks. This is a part of the story that really needs to be remembered; stories were leaked to smear Jean Charles whilst his brains were still lying on the floor of that tube train. The mentality of that tells you all you need to know.
But of course, there are other wider issues at stake, issues of the rights and responsibilities of the police. Our trust in the police to protect us. But also, the incompetence and sheer stupidity of the police, and the lack of cohesion in the entire operation.
Today in the paper was a picture of half of Jean Charles De Menezes face and half of the real terrorist, Hussain Osman. This is meant to illustrate that the two looked similar. True, they are both men, with short hair. I would have though the main giveaway though, would have been the fact Jean Charles was Brazilian, and an entirely different nationality and colour to Osman. Does that not ring alarm bells? if not, it bloody well should have. If you're considered responsible enough to be put in charge of a firearm, you should at least be able to tell the difference between two varying enthnicities.
If you're a Muslim and feel afraid people are looking at your rucksack warily on the tube, I don't blame you. And this goes even further. If you've even got dark hair, or a tan, you are equally a target. And don't think it stops there. It goes further. That's the whole point of this, and a terrorist could not have planned it more beautifully, because it must be their dream to make innocent people random targets. A police state where you are gunned down without so much as being arrested, that is true terror. That makes Guantanemo look tame.
The fact is this, we do not have the death penalty in this country. We are a civillised society. And it is unacceptable for an innocent man to be shot dead by the police. There should have been rioting on the street because of this. Yes still you will hear people roll out excuses. What if that was your partner, your son? What then?
The whole thing would be farcical if it wasn't so horrific. The police turning up late, then going for a wee, then not spotting the 'suspect' because the policeman was urinating. Why didn't they stop him before he got on the tube? They had ages. They really did. They put the public at risk by not stopping him sooner, if they believed he was a bomber. But hold on. There was no bulky jacket. So why exactly did they shoot him?
Then only yesterday we discover that an undercover policeman was almost shot by these trigger-happy fucking morons. And then the tube driver. For fuck's sake. Did they think they were playing a computer game? We pay money for these people to look out for us. They were virtually picking us off that day.
And what punishment do they get? None. They shoot a man seven times in the head in front of a bunch of people (can you IMAGINE? Just try and imagine even witnessing such a thing, I'd never recover) and no one has even said sorry as far as I know. No one has resigned. This is now a health and safety enquiry. Is that all? They offered his family £15,000. What an insult.
The image that sticks in my mind (apart from that one, above) is Jean Charles de Menezes picking up the Metro as he walked into Stockwell tube. Just like we do every day. Just minding his own business. It is murder, as far as I'm concerned. What's the difference? He was pursued and shot dead like an animal. No right to reply.
I will leave you with Commander John McDowell, who arrogantly said today 'I remain of the view that I and we did our best that morning to mitigate what was clearly a threat to the public in very difficult circumstances.'
It seems to me the only threat to the public that day were the police and their bungled, unforgivable operation.
Oh, and please remember, they shot him seven times. In the head. Just to make sure.

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

Ricky Gervais: Fame (at the Royal Albert Hall)

think I bought tickets to this show back in March, so it has certainly been a long wait for it to come around. The first thing that struck me was the proliferation of incredibly posh people at the Royal Albert Hall, I felt like I was at Wimbledon or something. The last time I went to the Royal Albert Hall was the Morrissey comeback shows, before You Are The Quarry had even come out. This crowd was VERY different. But it's Ricky Gervais! he's not posh! Why do all these posh people like him? Needless to say, we felt a bit dressed down in hoodies and jeans.
The Royal Albert Hall is a spectacular venue, but I don't think the acoustics are that great, it was a bit echoey at times. Where we were sitting also gave you vertigo as we were in the peasants area.
The support act Robert Ince was somewhat hampered by the fact that he wasn't actually funny. He cut a slightly folorn figure on stage with the spotlight blaring in his face, and was only saved by a quite passable Morrissey impression towards the end.
Then there was Ricky. He came on stage in front of his name in giant lights (although still not as cool as Morrissey's ones) and had a giant plinth in the shap of an Emmy. Apparently, I don't know what an Emmy looks like, to be honest. I quite like all his faux bragging about the awards he's won, although I can see how it can wind people up if they think he's serious.
I really enjoyed the show, although on the whole I thought it was less funny than Politics and Animals. There was no point where I was crying with laughter. I think I wanted to hear more about other famous people he knew and the pitfalls of fame, and I think it wasn't as tight as it could have been at times, as he kept verging off topic (toilets, famine, God). However, there were moments of extreme funnyness. I liked him saying he was being nice to his neighbours until they approved planning for his new swimming pool, then they could fuck off. I enjoyed the story of the angry fan coming to confront Ricky and the encore where he told the story of Sharon Osbourne vs Chris Tarrant was very funny, although I'd read about it a little in the press.
All in all I think Ricky is incredibly lovable, and the funniest stand up around at the moment. I think he just couldn't live up to Morrissey (well, who could?) I left feeling the show was quite short, which obviously means I was left wanting more. I don't know what the posh people made of it.